ATT - Manager's Phone

*Beep* Hey, this is the manager's phone. Manager doesn't have ATT, so he didn't get the call from the boss telling him NOT to tell everybody that the company is suspending merit raises. Because he has zero bars, he didn't know that it was not supposed to be common knowledge. Call and text all you want. The manager won't be answering, he'll be trying to come up with responses to a bunch of questions he isn't prepared to answer.

Wanna Get Away?

You know those Southwest Airline commercials where people do something utterly embarrassing and then want to get away? I witnessed one of those moments the other day...

Characters:
Kenyan Like Obama (KLO)
Yes, I'm A Lesbian (YIAL)
Rashan

KLO: Hey, YIAL! Who is that man?
YIAL: What are talking about?
KLO: That picture on your desk?
YIAL: (looks as if she doesn't know what picture is on her desk): Girrrl, that ain't a man. That's my wife.
KLO: Oh, she looks like a man from here.
Rashan: (whispering) Stop talking!
YIAL: Oh.
KLO: I mean she has manly facial features.
Rashan: (whispering) I implore you to stop talking right now!
YIAL: No that's my honey bunny.
KLO: I couldn't really tell. I thought it was a man with dreadlocks.
Rashan: (whispering) For real, stop talking right now.
KLO: (to me) You can understand how I could make that mistake, can't you?
Rashan: ...
YIAL: Yeah, that's my husband.
KLO: So, she's the man and you're the woman? I woulda thought...
Rashan: KLO, shut up!

It was this point that I imagined the announcer saying: Wanna Get Away? I work with the most tactless people in the world. LOL

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(If you have no idea what I’m talking about… check the side link and read Making The Blog.)

Masterpiece Theatre - NOT!!!

This is another one of those satirical joints. It's a fake commercial for one of those Chitlin Circuit, gospel plays that always star washed up pseudo celebrities from the past. I probably should have waited until the holiday was over so more people would read it, but I didn't have anything else to post about. Enjoy and tell me how crazy you think I am in the comments. LOL

Coming to a city near you... It's the inspirational story of a young man trying to do the right thing while facing temptation from all angles.

Female Voice: "Heeeey, Shaquan! When you coming over boo?

A man who seemingly has it all...

Male Voice: I am a strong buh-lack man. I have my own house, my own car, no kids and a fine black woman. I'm living the American Dream.

A man harboring a secret that could shatter his perfect world. Shaquan is in love!

Male Voice: "I don't know why you keep trippin', Quan! You are gay!

...With a man!

America's pre eminent African American writers, David E Talbert and Tyler Perry finally collaborate on this emotional tale of love, life and redemption:

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From the Down Low?

Starring: Kristoff St John from "Young and the Restless" as Shaquan.

Shaquan: "I do like women...but there's just something about a man that makes me sweat. I don't see why I should have to choose"

Lark Voorhies as Jerinica,his girlfriend too blinded by love to realize the truth. And "Different World's Charnele Brown as her best friend Sherica who tries to school her.

Sharica: Girl, I saw your man at the gym hugged up with some fione brotha. Why are the good looking ones always gay?

Jerinica: "Quan is NOT gay. He was just working out and pumping iron"

Thea Vidale as Miss Lula Belle.

Miss Lula Belle: "Girrrl, he was pumping something all right. Something's getting worked out."
Female Voices: OOOOOOH CHILE!!!! I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!!!

Also starring, recording artist Play from Kid N Play reunited with Full Force's Bow Legged Lou for the first time since House Party.

Play (dancing and spinning): Do you think Shaquan is gay? I hear that brother is on the DL

BL Lou: What do you think? That brother gets his eyebrows waxed, his nails done and when was the last time you've seen a straight guy know that much about drapes?

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? is the touching story of a confused man that wants to get right with the Lord. Comedian Reynaldo Rey gives a gripping performance as The Good Reverend Doctor Cleophus Jackson

Shaquan: Preacher, why can't I love a man and still get into heaven?

Cleophus Jackson: Shaquan, the Lord says to love your brothers... not LOVE your brothers.

Watch as Shaquan's inner demons drive him to drink.

Shaquan (drunkingly): I don't know what to do. The Bible says one thing, but my heart says another.

Also starring Calvin from 227, Curtis Baldwin as Junebug:

Junebug (also drunk): What you need to do is stop playing for the other team, and find your strong black queen. And I'm not talking about a drag queen.

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? also stars the black guy from Color Me Badd and from TV's Designing Women, Meshach Taylor.

Black Guy From Color Me Badd: It's not so bad being gay, Quan. Look at me. I have a condo in Midtown, a cute little Mini Cooper and look at my cute little man bag. No straight man could ever pull this off.

Meshach: You ain't exactly pulling that off either, honey! You look like Little Richard and Liberace's love child. But for real, Quan. That downlow stuff is for the birds. Embrace the rainbow, brother!

Also comic relief from 2 Big MC and Poetic Justice's Joe Torre

2 Big MC: I blame his mama. She shoulda known he was gonna be gay when she put that Q in his name!

Joe Torry: I'm saying his mama might as well named him Twan and put him in dresses.

And fresh off her command performance at the Pearly Gates, in the role that she was born to play, What's Happening!!'s Mabel King as Big Mama!

Big Mama: Now, Quan... ain't nothing in your life so bad, that Jesus can't forgive.

Shaquan: I hear you Big Mama. But, how can I stop this lust in my heart?

Big Mama: Baby, you gots to let go and Let God! That's the only way you'll get by in this crazy world.

(Gospel Music plays in the background)

Big Mama has the answers, but will Shaquan listen? Come find out when Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow comes to your city!!!

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow coming to a civic center, convention hall or state fair near you this fall. Discounts offered for church groups, packs of bitter woman, and DL guys that think we can't tell they are gay.

Delusion World

Welcome to Delusion World!!! Your number 1 vacation destination for those that like to lie to themselves. My name is Rashan Jamal and I'm your host for today's tour. Is real life not good enough for you? Do you want to fool yourself into thinking things are better than they are? Then come to Delusion World! Our resort features luxury suites for almost every delusion you can think of. Here are several of our delusion themed rooms.

I'm Gonna Make It In The Music Business!

Popular with the 30 something crowd. This room is designed for people that want to live their dreams of being a star, but have no actual talent. Typical clientele have their own record labels without any artists, or entertainment companies that get shouted out on low quality demo tapes, but never promote anything. This room is also for all the producers that don't have their own equipment, singers trying to relive their talent show win 10 years ago, and rappers that rhyme about drugs and guns but really have white collar jobs.

"He's Gonna Leave His Wife"

Perfect for all of the mistresses out there. You can even bring that married guy with you. Features of this suite include lots of Kleenex to wipe away your tears when he stands you up to be with his wife, earplugs for when your friends try to tell you that he's no good, and a untraceable cell phone so you can call the wife and hang up on her. Men, be sure to check out our "She's Gonna Leave That Dude" suite.


I'm Not Really A Smoker

The only smoking room in our resort. This room is for all them cats that smoke Black N Milds or Djarums and think its okay because they aren't cigarettes. Rooms are stocked with incense and gum and Egyptian musk oil to mask that familiar smoke smell. This suite is also perfect for that special weed head in your life.


She Don't Really Like Me

You know that girl that you keep around because you like the attention or you don't want to hurt her feelings? She's not really a stalker is she? Her declarations of love not withstanding, you can totally stay in this room with her without her trying any funny business. Amenities include separate beds, flannel pajamas, and the complete lack of anything that can put her in the mood. She gets too close to you? Push the red button on the night stand and a noxious fume will kill the vibe instantly. She'll think the smell is coming from you, but its really ours!


I Am The Father

When you want to pretend that your wife is NOT sleeping with your best friend, check into this suite. You can play Nintendo Wii with those kids that may or may not be yours, while she spends your child support money on gifts for that other guy. Special mirrors in the room make that kid actually look like you. DNA kits are also available, but we've yet to have any requests.


I'm Super Sexxxy

Our slimming mirrors and on site make up consultant can make you look as good as you think you do. We also have a closet full of clothes which are too tight or too loose (depending on your size) and preserve your sexy. A highly skilled group of staff sycophants will tell you exactly what you want to hear. "No, those jeans don't make you look fat." "Whoever told you that you look like Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask, was just joking." "I'd totally do you if I wasn't gay!" These are just a few of the delusion feeding amenities of this suite.


That Rash Will Go Away On Its Own

A completely sterile environment, this suite features all sorts of distractions to make you forget that rash, burning sensation, or lesion. You won't even entertain the possibility that you have an STD in this room. Check out our WebMd manuals for alternate explanations. Even better, our minibar is stocked with Old Wives Tale Home Remedies. Who needs a doctor when you have us?


You Say She's Just A Friend

You want to trust his female friend. You don't want to believe everybody that tells you to watch out for that trick. So what do you do? Get this suite featuring adjoining rooms and bring her on vacation with you guys. You can get to know her and maybe even befriend her on this trip. Use our suggested passive aggressive hints that she needs to back off, conveniently located under the Gideon Bible. Make her listen to you and your man's "sexy time" through our patented extra thin walls. Before you know it, she'll lose all interest in your man.

He Actually Wants To Get Married

That man really wants to marry you. He's just scared. This room can help you help him get over that fear. Our TVs only show Bridezilla, or Wedding Story. In conjunction with the bridal magazines strategically placed in this suite, your man will have no choice but to get in the matrimonial spirit. Before you leave, you'll have that promise to get engaged... one day in the future...when he gets his money right...and he can see himself sleeping only with one woman for the rest of his life...etc, etc, etc.



See what I mean? Here at Delusion World we have just what you need to keep on lying to yourself. Our resort is always packed with self deluders and megalomaniacs, so plan your trip now! What do we charge for our services? Whatever you believe it costs, that's what it costs. So call us at 1 800 Delusion or check us out on the Web at www.delusionworld.net/.

Delusion World - When the truth is just not good enough for you.