A Letter to the Crazy Lady(ies)

7/6/2009

Dear Crazy Lady(ies),

Please don’t murder-suicide me. I know in the past I’ve taken your craziness lightly. I thought if anything, you would hurt yourself, but you wouldn’t do anything to me. When people told me to look out for your crazy behavior, I dismissed it like I was invincible. But believe, I get the point. You can, and will kill a brother if you feel like it. I don’t want to end up like Steve McNair. I don’t want to end up like Phil Hartman (yes, I took back like 10 years.) To put it simply, I just don’t want to die.

So, let’s do this. And this is hard for me to do. Let me apologize. I’d like to apologize for not answering the phone when you call. I’d like to apologize for not liking you like that. I’d like to apologize for NOT telling you that I love you when I don’t. I’d like to apologize for calling you a stalker to your face. I’d like to apologize for just being mean. I didn’t mean it. In retrospect, I should have done a better job of keeping you on your rocker. I should have realized that it’s my responsibility to make you un-crazy. It’s not your fault. You can’t help it that I put homicidal thoughts in your head by ignoring you. It’s all me.. My bad, crazy ladies…

In conclusion, crazy lady(ies), I don’t want to die. Please do not murder-suicide me. That won’t accomplish anything. We are not going to meet in the next lifetime. And if we do, I’m going to be pissed that you murder-suicided me. Call me stubborn, but that will have a negative effect on our fake relationship. If you just must do something drastic, can we switch this thing around and do a suicide-murder? You go first, and I’ll meet you there after a long long life with my wife and kids.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal

P.S. – I really don’t want to die. Put those murder-suicide thoughts out of your head please.

Open Letter To President-Elect Obama

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm back now. I'm blog inspired again. I think this is a good one, which means that everybody else will think it sucks and I'll get like 3 comments. LOL

Dear Mr. Obama,

I don’t usually do this. I’m not the type that asks for help from his government, but in light of recent events, I feel compelled to intervene on behalf of those that do not have a voice. We’ve all seen what the government has done with recent bailout of the financial sector, most notably AIG (who I used to work for.) We’ve heard the requests of the Big Three automakers for federal assistance. I know that you are probably reticent to provide additional bailouts with the criticism levied your way about being a Socialist, but this group needs help. And if the government doesn’t do it, I don’t know who will.

Let me give you a little background. I’ve been noticing that the declining economy has been affecting this industry for awhile. Parking lots that once were full languish half empty. People that once would spend their hard earned paycheck in these establishments, now only indulge on special occasions. There just has not been as much disposable income to stimulate the economy in these tough times. But Thursday really drove the point home. As much as one hears about Black Friday, there’s another big day that drives spending… at least in Atlanta. It is affectionately known as Booty Shaking Thursday!

Booty Shaking Thursday is the fourth Thursday in November. It’s a tradition that after all the football, after all the food and after all the family time, men (and lesbians) from all over the city descend on their favorite strip club to give thanks for what God has given…to the strippers (or if you would prefer me to be more politically correct, we can call them dancers.) What’s more American than leaving your family and indulging in hedonistic behavior? Well, this Thursday I saw the unthinkable: There were virtually no patrons at the club as I drove by. Quelle Horror! It’s often been posited that stripping was a recession proof occupation. People will always pay to see women in various states of undress. Well, I’m here to tell you, Mr. President-Elect. The old ways of thinking are wrong. We need fresh ideas in order to stimulate our economy. We need our government to bail out some strippers (and not in the normal way of bailing out because she got a little too “friendly” with an undercover or her cocaine fell out of her boot.)

The ramifications of BST are far reaching. Imagine if there were no strip clubs. It wouldn’t just affect the owners and employees. It would damage our economy. Sales of Coronas and Patron would plummet. Who would buy those clear heeled shoes? The local beauty shop’s business would dry up because no strippers = no lace front weaves and no hideous blonde wigs. Glitter would be used only by kindergartners with school projects. What about that guy in the bathroom that hands you a paper towel after you wash your hands? He would have to get his crack by robbing people instead of the tips of drunken patrons. What about babysitters? If these dancers don’t have to work until 4 in the morning, then they can take care of their own kids. And the big meaty looking bodyguards and bouncers? The NFL ain’t hiring them, so where will they work? They can’t fit in a cubicle! Where else can you find a pack of Blacks for $7, everywhere else they are 3 dollars! That’s $4 dollars a pack stimulating our economy. Think about the economy, Mr President-Elect.

While some people may oppose this plan, I urge you to look at it objectively. It wont cost nearly as much as bailing out GM, and unlike American cars, people actually like strippers. Can you imagine a world where there are more dancers than customers? I, for one, don’t want to live in a world like that. I know you are anti-lobbyist, but if it would help, I can send Persuasion, Peaches and Chocolate Tiger to Washington to plead our case. And don’t worry, I won’t tell Michelle.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal

Letter To My Children

11/05/08

My Dear Beautiful Children,

I'm writing this letter on November 5th, 2008, years before God blessed me with your birth. Last night, history was made when America elected it's first African-American president. Hopefully by the time you are old enough to read this and fully grasp the monumental importance of this day, you'll think that your old man is overstating and exaggerating. My dream for my children is a world in which distinctions of race are no longer common place in politics and employment. I pray the phrase "the first black" will not be necessary words in your lexicon. Maybe in your lifetime, African Americans will be considered just plain American, like other ethnic groups. I long for the day these barriers are no longer applicable.

I don't know if that day will come, but I have to tell you..America took a major step last night. We elected Barack Obama as our 44th president. An African-American with a funny name like your Daddy, was elevated to the highest office in the land. I never thought that I would see this in my lifetime. It wasn't too long ago that race was a prohibitive factor in our lives. The Civil Rights Movement was just a few years before I was born. I want go into too much detail, because I know your mother and I have instilled these roots deeply in you. Suffice it to say, the pride that I feel today is a direct result of the struggles our people have endured. But the thing that's so beautiful about this election is that it was not and could not have been done without other races. White people, Latinos and other races came together to support this candidate. History will tell you the facts, but what it can't tell you is how it feels. It's difficult to express the emotions that I feel today. Believe me, I tried in vain for hours to find the right words. I can only hope that the raw emotion I feel reverberates in this letter.

As proud as I am of Obama, don't mistake that for naivete. I'm fully aware that racism is alive and well. I know that a significant portion of this country would rather see him dead than as their president. I don't yet know if his administration will be a success. In spite of this, what the Obama victory represents for me and countless others is hope. Hope that people will look at my child and see a person, not solely a black person. Hope that in our country, a little black child can dream big and achieve even bigger. Hope that you will believe me when I tell you that you can do whatever you set your mind to, including become president. And hope that you never let your hope die. If Barack could do it, so can you! I'll see you in a few years.

Love Always,

Rashan Jamal - oops, I mean Daddy.

The Epidemic

Ladies, I don’t want to be that dude. The one that tells you how to be a better woman, but I have to this time. There’s an epidemic spreading that needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets out of control. Maybe I’m too late. Maybe the situation is already too untenable to be managed. I don’t know. But I do know that I in good conscience cannot sit idly by and watch you continue to do this to yourselves and our community. It’s just really, really unacceptable.

You pride yourselves on your appearance. I mean, you are some of the most stylish people on the planet. You come to work immaculate, or as Al .Re.yn.olds would say…“clea.ner than the boa.rd of he.alth.” Fresh to death in your stilettos, and tight skirts, with the tops displaying just the right amount of cleavage. You keep your hair done in the latest fashions, accessorized to the nines. Physically, you are what every man dreams about and lusts for. To have a woman like you on his arm would every man’s fantasy.

So, what’s the problem? Behind this physical attractiveness lies a huge problem. I really don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but I feel that it’s my duty. As fine as you are, you cannot expect to keep a man if you don’t stop doing this. No man, in his right mind, will claim you as his woman as long as you keep up this behavior. If you want to know why you don’t have a man, as fine as you are, allow me to enlighten you. Ladies, here’s the problem…

STOP SPITTING!!!! That is some gross ish right there. How you gonna just be all fresh, but then spit on the sidewalk? Cut that mess out. It’s bad enough when a man does it, but it is so unladylike. You may be thinking, “Oh Rashan is just the only one that cares”, but no, it’s not just me. I was talking to my homeboy the other day. He was clocking this tall, mahogany honey. Just as he was about to approach, she hawked one back and let it loose on the concrete. Dude was disgusted, as was I. That just ain’t cool. I mean who wants to romance a woman that is reminiscent of a baseball player with some chew. Nasty!!! Please, ladies. I need you to stop with the spitting. Come on, if you won’t do it for yourselves, then please do it for me!!! Please!!!!

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the good folks at Beats, Rhymes and Life…

PS – If you are a spitter, please don’t tell me in the comments. I don’t wanna taint my image of you. Just stop with the spitting please!!! LOL

Dear Summer

Dear Summer,

It's your dude, Rah! You ready to get it in? I know I'm a few days late, but I want to take this time to touch bases with you. Summer, you know what I need, so let's make it happen. Just in case you don't know, let me delineate for you. I NEED FUN!!!

That's what I need you to provide for me, nah mean? I'm talking about forgetting that I'm anti social. I'm talking about parties and cookouts. I'm talking about dancing and drinking (well other way around). I'm talking about road trips! Last year, what did I do with you summer? Don't think too hard on it. It was nothing. I mean I went to work. I came home. I went to work. I came home. Lather, rinse, repeat! At least that's how it was in June and July. You waited until August to provide me with some entertainment. Is that any way to do your boy? After all these years we rode together, you gonna give me 33% effort? That's wack, summer!

Remember the old days when we used to roll thick in the summer? Remember the riding the bike far beyond where my mom thought I was. Or how good it was to see the ice cream man after a long hot day of playing outside? The hanging out with friends from the early morning until the street lights came on? I know I got a job now, so that's not possible. But I just wanted to remind you of whence we came. How about trips to the beach, and 4th of July cookouts? Hell, the cookouts just because we wanted to hang with our people? Remember that? Or hitting up Chicago for the Taste, road trips to Dallas, or weekends out of town just for the heck of it? That's what I'm talking about, Summer. Let's get back to the fun.

So, what you got for me? I'll be anxiously awaiting your entertainment. You do your part and I'll do mine. If you build it, I will come. We missed about a week of fun, so I'll expect you to double up on it post haste. Don't front on me, kid! You know my favorite season is coming up in just a few months. Why don't you see if you can give Autumn a run for her money?

Thanks in Advance,

Rashan Jamal

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,

What up homey? When last we spoke we had some beef. I'm not even talking about the allergies or how you left your pollen all over the ride. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 2007. You had me on some depression stuff, but I'm here to let you know, its not going down like that this year. I know I've always been partial to Autumn, but you and me have to ride together for 3 months, so we need to come to an understanding. There will be no more messing with my life like you did last year. I can hear you now saying its not entirely your fault, and you're right. Winter played a big part in it, but we since have made up and are old friends once again. I can't say the same for you just yet.

Last year about this time, I was going through some things. Nah, that ain't strong enough. I was going through some shit. Between the broke down cars (plural), and the job making significantly less than I was used to, to the females messing with my head, it just was not a good time for us. I mean really, it pains me to read the garbage I was writing. Or rather not writing because I only posted a total of 11 times in February, March and April. Some of the stuff was completely nuts, some of it just revealed that I was depressed or something. The drafts that I didn't post are even worse. I was truly on some Oscar the Grouch stuff. That's your fault, my dude! Spring is supposed to be the time of new beginnings, but you had me dwelling on hurtful days gone by instead of getting past the pain.

I think about that time last year, and I just was not myself, Spring. See, I'm the guy that rolls with the punches, the one that doesn't let stuff bother him, the one that laughs in the face of adversity. I'm so glad that I'm beyond the mess that my life was in last year. Remember that post I did about Spring Cleaning? On the surface it seemed to be about getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore, but it was really about cleaning out my life of all the negative energy I felt was surrounding me. It took a minute, but like George Bush in a flight suit: Mission Accomplished! You didn't help much, luckily Summer had my back.

Even though I still have all the stuff I mentioned in that post, like the FUBU hoodie and jersey, more MP3's than I will ever get around to listening to and I've added to my old no longer used remote control drawer, the important things have changed. I've cleaned out my soul so to speak. I'm really good. You know how when you ask someone how they are doing, they always respond with "I'm fine" or "I'm good?" That's my reality right now. I am really amazed how much differently I feel now than I did last year. We need to keep this momentum going. Spring, no matter how much you and I argued last year, we have to put that behind us and work on the future.

The Real Rashan is back. Not that complaining, self loathing bitchassnigga you turned me into last year. This year, I'm a beast! Spring, I'm taking you by storm. (Speaking of storm, can I get a few days without rain or snow? Thanks.) This is my season. And for real, its not about going to the park, or cookouts with friends, and the emergence of the girls with the short shorts, although I thank you for all of those things. Spring, what I'm talking about is my piece of mind. I've not had anything to really complain about since last Summer, and I expect that you and I are gonna keep that streak going.

So Spring, let's make 2008 infinitely better than 2007 was. Nobody wants to see a return of last year's Rashan, especially me. Isn't it much better when I can just be the man that I want to be? None of those married women in my life, none of that being broke stuff, none of that retreating from everyone and everything I hold dear. My people need me and I need them. What better time to expand our relationship that with you, Spring! Let's get this thing rolling. You do your part, and I'll do mine and together we can be a force. You know no matter how dysfunctional our relationship was last year, Spring is a time to start anew. Just think about it, please?

Peace and Blessings,

Rashan Jamal

The World Is Yours

Whose world is this?/The world is yours, the world is yours/ It's mine, it's mine, it's mine/ Whose world is this?/ "It's yours!"/ It's mine, it's mine, it's mine /Whose world is this?

Track #4: The World Is Yours

I started to hold this one until Monday, since nobody really reads blogs on the weekend, but then I remembered that Monday is a holiday, so they won't be reading anyway. Long story short, here's today's post.

Dear God,

I know the world is Yours. I wholeheartedly respect that. And I don't want to seem disrespectful in any way, but I have some questions. Why is the world like this? Why are we always going to war or killing our kids or just generally hating each other? I like to think that because You gave us free will, all of the problems of the world are because of us. But Your representatives always rebuff this thought. They say that You work in mysterious ways and that I shouldn't question. They give You the glory for the good and blame the d'evil for the bad. They tell me that everything happens for a reason, and I while I get what they are saying, I'm not too sure I agree.

For instance, why would it be in Your will to have Your people suffer through over 400 years of slavery and even after the evil institution is over, still suffer merely because of the color of their skin. Or how could You intend for 6 million people to die in a holocaust perpetuated by evil men using Your name. Or even on a smaller scale, what part of Your plan makes a man take a perverted sexual interest in an innocent child? Things like this I don't understand. Again, I mean no disrespect at all, but if what the church says is true, You created me to be inquisitive, so I'm sure You understand.

Here's what I think. I think You gave man dominion over the earth and quite simply, we are messing up. We have been for generations and we will for generations to come. I think man's capacity for destruction is a choice that You have allowed us to make. You have told us how to please You, but whether or not we do is up to us. To me that makes more sense than to think that tragedy is a part of Your plan. I know it makes it easier for the families of victims to cope, but in reality, God, it is mankind that is responsible for the ills of the world.

Am I off base? I pray that You would let me know if I'm on the wrong track. I pray that You will correct my path if I'm going astray. I know I haven't always lived up to Your Commandments, but I'm trying to be a good man. You already know this, but my disdain for the church, has nothing at all to do with You, and everything to do with the people who claim to be Your representatives' hypocrisy. You know my heart, and I just ask these questions to become closer to You. The world is Yours and I'm just trying to find my place.

Your Loving Son,

Rashan Jamal


P.S. - Two more questions for You? If a soldier dies in combat right after killing an enemy, does he go to hell? And how do You feel about these preachers using Your name and word to get rich? Thanks, God. I look forward to Your response.

Next Up: Track 5: Halftime

Dear Autumn

Dear Autumn,

I know we still technically have a couple of days before you arrive, but I just wanted to let you know that I am really looking forward to you. Your cousin Spring and I just didn't get along, and your sister Summer and I have been having an up and down relationship. I'm counting on you, Autumn, to keep me happy. I'm in a really good place right now. I don't have a thing to complain about and I need your help to maintain that. Me and you, Autumn, we gonna ride the next few months. I see you already coming through with the lower temperatures and I appreciate that. What's better than a cool Autumn afternoon with some football and some friends? That's what I need. What's better than taking a walk amongst the changing foliage with a pretty lady? What's better than frolicking in the leaves with your nephews and nieces? I need you to do your part, Autumn. I promise if you do, I will do my best to maintain this good mood I've been in lately. You have always been my favorite of the seasons. Don't let me down this year.

Remember, back in the day when we used to be inseparable? We made quite a team. When I was young in New York, we would go apple picking every year you came around. I recall riding my bike all over Spring Valley in my school clothes and then rushing home to change before my mother got home. When I was a teenager, we would hit the Coastal Empire Fair each fall. I'll never forget those teenage days of high school football games and Godfather's Pizza. When I was a little bit older, Autumn, you always brought a new feminine distraction my way. It's like you knew when it was time for me to stop being a loner. You always brought on the good times. Let's get back to what we used to be. This year hasn't gone quite the way I thought it would, but Autumn, together we can be formidable. I'll see you in a couple of days.

One Love,

Rashan Jamal

To My First Born Son On Your 16th Birthday

April 25th, 2024


My Firstborn Son,

You are turning 16 today, and there are some things you need to know now that you are a man. I'm sure that if you are anything like I was at this age, you are completely dreading this conversation, but I think it's necessary. There are some things that I have learned that in my years that can benefit you. Don't worry, this isn't one of those inspirational, sentimental letters like your mother writes; I just wanted to give you some practical advice. So just hear your old man out.

Let's talk about money. I know I raised you not to be a slave to material things, but the truth is, I want you to be better off than I am. I think all parents want a better life for their children and we don't want our children to have to struggle like we did. So the first thing that you need to learn is how to handle your money. I want you to learn the importance of saving and spending wisely. You need to know how to manage your credit. Your father didn't learn about this until it was too late and as result struggled for many years. I don't want that for you. Life comes at you quickly, and if you are not prepared for it, it can be hard. So, whether you like it or not, we are going to work on this together.

Next up is education. I want you to always feel like you are the smartest one in the room. I know you aren't very organized. You get that from me, but you also get your intelligence from me. I know it's hard when you feel that school is not a challenge, but I need you to apply yourself academically. You may not always be able to skate through life just on your brain power. Sometimes, you have to prove that you are willing to put in the hard work to get all A's. Plus, I'm not trying to pay for your college, boy. You better get a scholarship. Seriously though, just know that I place a high emphasis on academics, not only because it can help you get the career of your choice, but because Rashan don't raise no dummies.

Speaking of careers, I want you do to whatever makes you happy. If you are passionate about a job, it will make it that much more palatable. I'm not going to lie to you. You have many years of hard work ahead of you. There will be days, when you just want to say "fuck it" (don't tell your mother that I cursed) and just quit, but you can't do it. You have a responsibility to be a man, and a man works no matter how much he hates his job. It doesn't matter to me if you have a high paying job or a noble albeit low paying profession. Man makes the money, money doesn't make the man. I just want you to do something that will provide you with a modicum of satisfaction, a sense of self worth and the feeling of self respect in your work ethic. Start thinking about what you want to do for the rest of your life now. Before you know it, the time to choose a career will come and you don't want to be unprepared.

Women. What can I say about women? We've already had the birds and bees conversation, but I feel you are old enough that I can speak more freely about this subject. I don't know if you have started having sex yet. There are some things a son doesn't tell his father. But I want you to know that if you ever have any questions, no matter how embarrassing, I am here for you. I'm not going to tell you not to have sex, but what I will tell you is to always protect yourself. There are all kinds of diseases out there. I won't go into detail because I know you get this in Health class at school, but I just want to reiterate that you have to be careful. What I do want to elaborate on is this: What happens with you and a young lady is between you two. You probably hear a lot of locker room talk and braggadocio about sexual conquests at school. I'm an old man now and I still hear it. That's just not the right way to handle it. I want you to treat women with the respect they deserve.

As you get older, you are going to meet lots of women that you are attracted to. I want you to know that it's okay to date around. Just be upfront about your intentions. If you don't want to be tied down to one women, just say that, in a tactful way of course. Not every woman you date is going to be potential wifey material. Sometimes, it just is what it is. As long as you are honest with each other, you can still have a good time together. When you are dishonest or duplicitous, that's when feelings get hurt, and you run into trouble. It all comes back to being respectful.

Sex is an important part of a man's life. You're a good looking young man. Hell, you look just like your father. You are going to have sex with some of the women you date. I want to warn you about something that pretty much all men have gone through. It's called "the hoochie phase." It's similar to how women like bad boys, there are some women who will temporarily make you insane. How do they do it? Sex! There's going to be one or two women in your life that you don't necessarily want to take home to Mama. You may even find yourself becoming infatuated with these women and doing things that you wouldn't admit to your closest friend. I'm talking about getting her hair done, paying her rent, or buying diapers for her three kids that she had before she turned 18. I just want you to know that there may be a "hoochie" or two in your life, but that's okay. When that phase is over, I don't want you to feel bad because just about all of us have gone through that. Good sex will make us do crazy things. I wish I could tell you how to control that urge, but that would be an exercise in futility.

I have so much more to tell you, but right now your mother is bugging me to work on my "honey-do" list. Look out for my next letter.

Your Loving Father,

Rashan Jamal