The Smirk

I got this little thing I do with my mouth... wait that sounds dirty, lemme rephrase. Bring it back selectah...

It's no secret that I often find myself incredulous at the stuff that goes on around me. When that happens, I usually break out into a smirk. That facial expression usually belies my true feelings about a situation or a person, no matter how much I try to hide it. I've tried to hold back the smirk, but it just doesn't work. Like a reflex, my head tilts a little, my brow furrows and a half smile comes over the left side of my face as if to say, "Really? You really just said that?" I can't help it. It's been known to lead to hurt feelings, misunderstandings or uncomfortable conversations, but there's nothing I can do about it. It's involuntary. Lately, The Smirk has been in full effect.

I was leaving work the other night when The Work Stalker stopped me. Its been about a month since we conversed, partially because I embarrassed the crap outta her and partially because I make an effort to stay far, far away from her. This night I was talking to my friend on my way out the building when she approached. "I heard they have some openings in your department. Can you tell me what kind of questions they ask in the interview?" Enter The Smirk. You really think I'm gonna help you get close to me again? After you blew up my phone, my IM, my email box? Really? I tried to keep an even face, but The Smirk wouldn't let me. It was obvious that I wanted no part of the conversation. "Oh, I'll just come find you later" Nah, don't do that.

I made it 33 years without being hit on by a guy. That's pretty impressive, especially since I live in Atlanta, home of the mythical down low brothas. But anyway, this guy was sitting with me because his computer was broken. At first, his questions just seemed like regular old questions. But as the conversation went on, I found myself fighting The Smirk. Did you really just ask me where the pictures of wifey and the kids are? Did you really say that 1 AM is your "hoeing time?" Did you really just ask me if I wanted to go to the club with you and your boys. Nah, bruh! I'm smirking now. You just tried me a little. Let me make this plain so there are no misunderstandings. "I don't really go to clubs, unless you talking about Strokers. (I don't have to link it for you to know thats a strip club, do I?)" His response..."oooohhhhh." Sorry buddy, me and you are on different teams. The Smirk was in full effect at that conversation.

I was reading this blog. I can't even give details because I don't want any blog beef. Well, I kinda do, but we'll refrain for now. The people I talk to regularly probably know who I'm talking about. Really, it's not so much a blog, as a plea for attention, and that's coming from a known narcissist. LOL. I can't even comment because I'm pretty sure anything I say would be considered mean. So, I'm reading (I have a sense of morbid curiosity) and something catches my eye. Immediately, The Smirk takes over. Luckily, nobody can see me, because if they did then they would know that I'm just a jerk a not a nice guy (at least not all the time) I'm like is it really that serious that you have to solicit comments? Really, The Smirk wants to know. The Smirk would also like to know what all these readers see in you, cuz we don't get it. Other than unintentional comic relief, the blog serves no purpose to me. *Smirk*

I'm pulling into the parking lot in front of my apartment. It's 3:30 in the morning and 35 degrees. A few feet away from me, 2 guys sans coats, jackets, hats or any other warming implementation are huddled together. At first I'm thinking, "oh, they smoking a blunt" only the familiar smell of marijuana is not wafting in the wind. Instead I see A FUCKING CRACK PIPE. The Smirk is coming out full blast. J's that close to my crib? I can't believe what I'm seeing. I know someone got merked at my complex before, but it ain't that hood to be having crackheads within my vicinity. I stood there with The Smirk on blast until they moved the hell away from my parking space. Am I gonna have to start locking my doors?

I was sitting at my computer writing a blog post. I got about halfway done and decided I didn't like it. Instead of trying to edit it, I just scrapped it and decided to write about something else. Enter The Smirk!!! Did I really put Making The Blog to the side to talk about the masculine version of the side eye? If anyone deserves The Smirk, it's me. Sorry about that. I'll try to resume the MTB series tomorrow. One!

Blogger Ate My Post...Now What?

Mobile post sent by Rashan Jamal using Utterz. Replies. mp3

For all of you utterz challenged folks... Blogger ate my post. I wrote Part 5 of Making The Blog last night, went to publish it and then got a crazy error message. I went back to my drafts to republish it and that joint was nowhere to be found. I'm about to hop on the leaving Blogger bandwagon. It's always down when I go to lunch at work, the only time I really can read and comment during the day. That's why you always see me commenting in the wee hours of the morning. I get home and wind down and then I comment. Since my real post is gone, I'm just typing on the fly in hopes that I can come up with something interesting to write about. I don't have the energy to recreate the madness that went into Making The Blog right now. Oooh, here's something interesting...

How many bloggers phone number's do you have? How many have yours? Do you talk to them outside of the blog world on a (semi) regular basis? How do you know when its okay to talk offline? Is there a blogger that you think it would be cool to talk to, but dont want to initiate it because they might get the wrong idea? Do you just keep the blog world and real world completely separate? Let me be the first to answer those questions...

I currently have 3 bloggers phone numbers. One I talk to regularly, the other I talk to from time to time, and the other I've only talked to once or twice. These are the current bloggers I mess with it. If we go back to the old blog when I was Mr. Popularity, I think it would have been another 7 or 8. Since they don't like me anymore, I don't know if they still have my number and I know I have deleted quite a few numbers from my phone. I've had the same phone number for damn near 8 years, so they can still reach me if they want to. As far as how I knew it was okay to talk to them offline, it varied. One just didn't strike me as the crazy type, so I knew it would be okay. I had to tell her a story that couldn't fully be encapsulated in an email, so I called and gave her the details. The other, I was a little nervous about when I gave her my number because I didn't know what to expect. It turned out to be cool though. There is a blogger that I think I could be friends with, but I haven't exchanged phone numbers with her because I don't want her to think I'm trying to holla at her and start giving me the side eye. LOL As far as keeping the two worlds separate, I did that for the last year, but now I'm cool with sharing the real me with my blog family again.

What do you know? I somehow managed to make a real post out of nothing, but this doesn't work unless I get feedback from you. Go head and answer them questions for me and satiate my unnatural nosiness curiosity. If you are braver than me, go ahead and name names too. Check back on Saturday for Part 5 of MTB. Peace!

Making The Blog Pt 4

I wrote this one at work too, so there maybe some errors... Look past them please...

When we last left off, R. Jizzy was trying to think up ways to shake up the competition... Lets see what he came up with...


Rashan: I now it’s only been a couple of days, but I need to do something to shake things up. R. Jizzy don’t stand pat for no one. We keeps it real round here. I already got cats talking back, being apathetic, acting like Making the blog aint the most important opportunity of their writing lives. I can’t stand for that, so I’m gonna make some changes round here. First I need to tell my captains what’s about to go down….

Rashan is sitting in a studio playing with the equalizer boards. Sam Cooke’s “A Change Gonna Come” plays in the background. Enter Jameil and Diva…

Rashan: Thanks for joining me ladies. I gotta make some tough decisions and I’m hoping you can help

Jameil: What’s going on?

Rashan: I need something to shake up the troops. I think they are getting happy just being here and not willing to put in the work. They procrastinating and I can’t have that.

Dvia: It’s only been 2 assignments, Are you sure you are ready to get rid of them yet? Some of these bloggers have lots of potential.

Rashan: I gots to.

Diva: I’m just saying, I don’t want you to do anything rash and lose one of the better bloggers here.

Rashan: I understand, but I’ve made up my mind. What I need you to do is to help me make my decision. You read the first two assignments. I unfortunately have busy elsewhere with my Blogger duties and haven’t seen the work. I need to know based on what you know about me, who do you think should go home?

Jameil: Can’t you read them yourself? Why you trying to make us the bad guys.

Rashan: Don’t worry, nobody will know that you made the decision, besides, that’s what being the captain is all about. You gotta be able to make the tough decisions.

Jameil: How many are you cutting?

Rashan: I got too many here… lets take 2 from each team.

Diva: 4?

Rashan: yes, you have mastered math! Now lets make this decision…

Rashan, Jameil and Diva continue their conversation, but it is inaudible. There again, lots of hand movements and animated discussion…

Confessional Cam:

Diva: I thought Jizzy was going a little overboard with the cuts, but I think we might have actually helped out the team I should be able to work more closely with this new team.

Jameil: If I had my choice, I know who would be leaving, but it ain’t about me. It’s all about what Jizzy wants. So let’s see how it works out.

New Scene:

The bloggers are standing on a raised platform…ala Flavor of Love. Jizzy is standing in front of them, with Jameil and Diva flanking him.

Rashan: I know you are probably wondering why you are all here. Let’s not waste anymore time…. I’m making some cuts. It’s not a reflection upon you personally, but what I need in order to make my blog the best I can. I hope that you will all take this in the spirit in which it’s given…I’m not saying you aren’t good enough, I’m just saying that you aren’t a fit for the blog I’m trying to make.

Confessional:

Desy: Word? So soon. I didn’t think it would go down this quick.

Monie: I’m not really worried. I can tell from his comments to me that he likes my style. I know I’m gonna continue on in this competition.

Resume Scene:

Rashan: If I call your name, I want you to come up here. Caesar, come up here…

(Caesar steps up)

Rashan: I heard we have a little issue with the use of profanity in your writing.

Caesar: Da @#$% are you talking about? I don’t curse that much…

Rashan: Understand, I don’t have a problem with it. I just want you to make sure that all of your colorful language doesn’t detract from the point you are trying to get across.

Caesar: So, I’m cut???

Rashan: Slow down, playa! La, get up here!

La walks up and stands next to Caesar…

Rashan: Did you two get a chance to get to know each other?

La: Not yet.

(They shake hands)

Rashan: Caesar, I want you to read La’s page… She’s a curser too, but things are a little different. Her cursing adds to the post, rather than distracts from it. It’s a subtle thing, but I think you could benefit from learning the difference.

Caesar: So, I’m cut?

Rashan: Hold on, playa! I’m not done…La, you and Diva had some problems earlier?

La: No, we didn’t. I was just playing with her. I have a sense of humor that takes some time to get used to.

Rashan: That sense of humor was one of the reasons I invited you here. It’s very similar to mine. Plus you have some great writing skills.

La: Thanks Jizzy!

Rashan: Don’t thank me yet. Did I make a mistake putting you on the same team as Joy and X actor. I know that you are close. Are you gonna be able to focus on making the blog?

La: I’m all about the blog, Jizzy!

Caesar: I don’t mean to interrupt… but am I cut?

Rashan: Damn Caesar, you got somewhere else to be? No, you aren’t cut. Get out of here and take La with you.

Caesar and La leave

Confessional Cam:

La: I’m still here. Jizzy is dead wrong for tryna make me think I was going home. Although, I do miss my Honey!

Resume Scene:

Rashan: Minerva are you here?

(Everybody looks around, but can’t find her)

Rashan: Anybody seen Minerva during the whole time we been here? Anybody see a comment or a new post from her? I didn’t think so… I think I have to cut her. If anyone sees her anywhere, go head and tell her.

Rashan: Who’s next… Stace and X Factor… Come on up….

The 2 come upstage…

Rashan: I’m not gonna even drag this out. You all are in. X, I wanna thank you fr your 3 part post. That was really touchingt.
Stace, you’ve been writing very consistently. I look forward to seeing wahts next….

Stace and X Factor leave…

Confessional Cam:

X Factor: Whew… lets go get some sushi and some dranks… Anybody know anything about that Nuvo?

Stace: Let’s do it…

Resume Scene:

Rashan: DJ Diva…come on up… I dig your blog. I really do, it’s just not the format of mine. I’ll be sure to come check out your Mixtape Mondays. I rock out to it, but there are too many copyright issues, and with all my haters, the last one I need on my back is the RIAA. I’m gonna have to put you on hiatus…

Confessional Cam:

Jameil: Is Jizzy just gonna keep cutting my team.. We are fabulous.. didn’t you see our shirts?

… Insert picture when I get home from work…

Rashan: We gonna make 2 more cuts… And lemme just say that none of these decisions came easy. But you know yo boy Jizzy got a huge ego… There are a few cats that haven’t been showing me love. I don’t know if they just busy or what, but for real… I need to see some comments to know that you still roll with your boy.

Confessional:

Eps: I knew he was talking bout me. I got a new girlfriend, and am busy with school, I hope he takes that into account. Not everyone has time to read everyday.

Resume Scene:

Rashan: Eps, Joy and 2nd 68 come on up…

(they come up)

What’s the deal… you volunteered for this Making the blog thing, but you ain’t ever coming around. Spreading the comment love…

2nd 68 – You haven’t commented on my blog in months…

Rashan: This ain’t about me.. I’m Jizzy… I’m making this blog…

2nd 68 – I only stopped by cuz Diva’s my homegirl and for some reason she seems to like your arrogant ass…

Rashan: Hold on, dawg!

2nd 68: You ain’t got to worry about cutting me… I’m leaving on my own. You are terrible.

Rashan: Wait… I’m supposed to..

(2nd 68 storms off, Diva starts laughing…)

Rashan: Something funny, Jasmin?

Diva: Huh? I mean, nah. I’m okay….

Rashan: I guess I just got one more cut to make now, since somebody, just dipped out on me… Eps, I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, cuz I know how it is with a new girl. I mean I roll out on my friends all the time when I meet a new young lady. Matter of fact, the blog world is damn lucky, that I haven’t had a real girlfriend in ages… cuz ain’t no way I woulda posted this much…. Joy, I haven’t seen you by here in ages, and I know I come read yours… My ego can’t take that… I’m gonna have to put you on hiatus….

Confessional:

Joy: It’s all right. I was too busy trying to find a real job anyway. I still got love for Making The Blog….

Resume Scene:

Rashan: The rest of you are safe for now. I’m gonna be on top of things now. There are 12 of you left. This is gonna be a straight competition for here on out. You work with your teams, but you work for yourselves… Impress me with your posts.. and you stay. Come with the slackassness, and you gonna go home. Go relax, cuz we start up again first thing in the morning…

Confessional Cam:

Rashan: Aiight, I trimmed some of the fat…Got rid of some cats that I wasn’t quite sure really wanted to be here. It’s crunch time now. I’m gonna go think of some more adventures for the teams. More exciting posts, More drama… Let’s really make this blog!

End of Episode….

WHAT?!?!?!

I know I wrote a post last night and published it, so where did it go? It's not in my drafts and I can't find it. Did anyone read it? I'm not going crazy am I?

Okay, well, I was half sleep when I wrote it, so I can't remember what I said, the gist of it was that I need to listen to the voice in my head. I think I did some split personality stuff and gave my alter ego a name. Since I can't find it anymore, I'll just have to do a new post.

This weekend, I actually got out a little bit. It started on Friday afternoon when I picked up my niece and nephew from school to hang out. I took them out for lunch. I had a great time with the kids just talking and laughing. The whole time the waitress was giving me that "awww, he likes kids" look. She was pretty, a little young, but pretty. When she brought the check, she put her phone number on the bill. It was cute... however, she neglected to include her name, so if I ever decide to call her I'll have to be like, can I speak to the waitress from Chili's on Northlake? LOL

After hanging out with the kids for most of the afternoon, I got a call to go out to dinner and drinking with my bougie friend (what up K! Don't get mad, you know I'm bougie too) and some others. We met up at Apres Midi in midtown. I had a couple of overpriced Grey goose and cranberry's and a Grand Marnier and some strange salmon pasta concoction that was good. Our waitress looked like Nelly Furtado, so that's what I called her. Like "Nelly, let me get another drink." She didn't like that very much, LOL. When we left the restaurant, it was only 12, so I wanted to find something else to do, but it didn't work out, so I just went home and read a book. I don't usually read, because I think I read too much in college, but I reread Plan B by Chester Himes ( I read it about 10 years ago, I think) in one sitting. That was my Friday.

Saturday and Sunday will have to wait, because I need to get back to work. You do anything exciting this weekend?