Wanna Get Away?

You know those Southwest Airline commercials where people do something utterly embarrassing and then want to get away? I witnessed one of those moments the other day...

Characters:
Kenyan Like Obama (KLO)
Yes, I'm A Lesbian (YIAL)
Rashan

KLO: Hey, YIAL! Who is that man?
YIAL: What are talking about?
KLO: That picture on your desk?
YIAL: (looks as if she doesn't know what picture is on her desk): Girrrl, that ain't a man. That's my wife.
KLO: Oh, she looks like a man from here.
Rashan: (whispering) Stop talking!
YIAL: Oh.
KLO: I mean she has manly facial features.
Rashan: (whispering) I implore you to stop talking right now!
YIAL: No that's my honey bunny.
KLO: I couldn't really tell. I thought it was a man with dreadlocks.
Rashan: (whispering) For real, stop talking right now.
KLO: (to me) You can understand how I could make that mistake, can't you?
Rashan: ...
YIAL: Yeah, that's my husband.
KLO: So, she's the man and you're the woman? I woulda thought...
Rashan: KLO, shut up!

It was this point that I imagined the announcer saying: Wanna Get Away? I work with the most tactless people in the world. LOL

Rashan's Uncomfortable Interaction Of The Week

Okay, this is getting to be a regular occurrence and I wish it would stop... The Date: Saturday 9/13. The time: around 2:00 AM. The place: Pilot Gas Station in Tifton Georgia.

I'm on my way down to Florida for the weekend. I already got gas before the prices shot up to $5. That's a whole nother post. I actually saw gas for $5 Friday night. Crazy! Anyway, I'm mad thirsty so I pull off on an exit that has light and looks like it would be free of the Klan. I go inside to get me a soda and a honey bun. As I'm wandering the aisles (cuz that's just what I do) I see these two young ladies doing the same. One of them speaks, so I return the pleasantries. One of them looks like a regular old female. She had a scarf over her permed hair, some jeans and an entirely too small t-shirt. But that's neither here nor there. The other one was wearing one of those women's wife beaters and some green soccer type shorts. She had some Poetic Justice type braids on and she looked kinda familiar. About a minute later as I'm picking up my caffeine free root beer, it hits me. This chick looks like Miss J from Top Model. It wasn't a very pretty sight.

Okay, so I go to the register and I get there at the same time as the two young ladies. I let them go in front of me. Miss J says to me..

"Ooooh, you such a gentleman."

It's at this moment that I realize that this is not a woman at all. IT'S A MAN!!! So, I'm trying to hide my shock, cuz my face shows everything. I'm staring down at my shoes as to not make eye contact. They are, however, taking forever at the register. This other guy comes into the gas station. Apparently he was waiting for his friends in the car.

"What is taking you bytches so long?"

Yep, he was sugary sweet too. The Twan twins start cackling and Small T Shirt is just standing there looking embarrassed.

"This guy behind us let us go in front of him. Ain't he a gentleman?" That was Miss J.

"Oooh, how sweet." This was the guy in the car. He continued. "You going to the club?"

"Nah" I said tersely as to not encourage any further conversation.

"You should come to the club with us. Our homegirl need a boyfriend."

"Nah, I'm good" I pull out my phone and pretend to take a call.

"You guys are so embarrassing!" Small T shirt says and then turns to me. "I'm sorry, I can't take them nowhere."

"Whatever, bytch. We trying to find you a man."

I heard Car guy say this as I got out of the line and pretended to get some potato chips. They left, so I went back to the cashier and paid for my stuff and left. Why do people insist on talking to me?

Masterpiece Theatre - NOT!!!

This is another one of those satirical joints. It's a fake commercial for one of those Chitlin Circuit, gospel plays that always star washed up pseudo celebrities from the past. I probably should have waited until the holiday was over so more people would read it, but I didn't have anything else to post about. Enjoy and tell me how crazy you think I am in the comments. LOL

Coming to a city near you... It's the inspirational story of a young man trying to do the right thing while facing temptation from all angles.

Female Voice: "Heeeey, Shaquan! When you coming over boo?

A man who seemingly has it all...

Male Voice: I am a strong buh-lack man. I have my own house, my own car, no kids and a fine black woman. I'm living the American Dream.

A man harboring a secret that could shatter his perfect world. Shaquan is in love!

Male Voice: "I don't know why you keep trippin', Quan! You are gay!

...With a man!

America's pre eminent African American writers, David E Talbert and Tyler Perry finally collaborate on this emotional tale of love, life and redemption:

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From the Down Low?

Starring: Kristoff St John from "Young and the Restless" as Shaquan.

Shaquan: "I do like women...but there's just something about a man that makes me sweat. I don't see why I should have to choose"

Lark Voorhies as Jerinica,his girlfriend too blinded by love to realize the truth. And "Different World's Charnele Brown as her best friend Sherica who tries to school her.

Sharica: Girl, I saw your man at the gym hugged up with some fione brotha. Why are the good looking ones always gay?

Jerinica: "Quan is NOT gay. He was just working out and pumping iron"

Thea Vidale as Miss Lula Belle.

Miss Lula Belle: "Girrrl, he was pumping something all right. Something's getting worked out."
Female Voices: OOOOOOH CHILE!!!! I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!!!

Also starring, recording artist Play from Kid N Play reunited with Full Force's Bow Legged Lou for the first time since House Party.

Play (dancing and spinning): Do you think Shaquan is gay? I hear that brother is on the DL

BL Lou: What do you think? That brother gets his eyebrows waxed, his nails done and when was the last time you've seen a straight guy know that much about drapes?

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? is the touching story of a confused man that wants to get right with the Lord. Comedian Reynaldo Rey gives a gripping performance as The Good Reverend Doctor Cleophus Jackson

Shaquan: Preacher, why can't I love a man and still get into heaven?

Cleophus Jackson: Shaquan, the Lord says to love your brothers... not LOVE your brothers.

Watch as Shaquan's inner demons drive him to drink.

Shaquan (drunkingly): I don't know what to do. The Bible says one thing, but my heart says another.

Also starring Calvin from 227, Curtis Baldwin as Junebug:

Junebug (also drunk): What you need to do is stop playing for the other team, and find your strong black queen. And I'm not talking about a drag queen.

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? also stars the black guy from Color Me Badd and from TV's Designing Women, Meshach Taylor.

Black Guy From Color Me Badd: It's not so bad being gay, Quan. Look at me. I have a condo in Midtown, a cute little Mini Cooper and look at my cute little man bag. No straight man could ever pull this off.

Meshach: You ain't exactly pulling that off either, honey! You look like Little Richard and Liberace's love child. But for real, Quan. That downlow stuff is for the birds. Embrace the rainbow, brother!

Also comic relief from 2 Big MC and Poetic Justice's Joe Torre

2 Big MC: I blame his mama. She shoulda known he was gonna be gay when she put that Q in his name!

Joe Torry: I'm saying his mama might as well named him Twan and put him in dresses.

And fresh off her command performance at the Pearly Gates, in the role that she was born to play, What's Happening!!'s Mabel King as Big Mama!

Big Mama: Now, Quan... ain't nothing in your life so bad, that Jesus can't forgive.

Shaquan: I hear you Big Mama. But, how can I stop this lust in my heart?

Big Mama: Baby, you gots to let go and Let God! That's the only way you'll get by in this crazy world.

(Gospel Music plays in the background)

Big Mama has the answers, but will Shaquan listen? Come find out when Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow comes to your city!!!

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow coming to a civic center, convention hall or state fair near you this fall. Discounts offered for church groups, packs of bitter woman, and DL guys that think we can't tell they are gay.

Twan-o-phobia*

I started not to tell this story because I was afraid that people would think I was being anti gay. That's not the case though. If it was a woman in the story I wouldn't hesitate to tell it, so why should I hold back? Anyway, sorry Diva. I know you've already heard the story, but I can't think of anything else to write...

There's this gay dude at the job that has been subtly trying to get at me. I think he was trying to figure out if I played for his or the other team. It started like a month ago. I was new in the department and apparently he had been out of work on some disability thing for awhile. When he came back to work, his computer access hadn't been granted, so he was sitting with me as I did my work. He introduces himself and over the course of the day, we make small talk related to the job and its functions. Later in the day, he decides to get a little more personal.

"I see you don't have any pictures of your wife and kids up."
"Nah, I'm not married."
"Hmmm..."

I went back to working. I didn't think anything of it. So what the gay dude was asking me if I was married. That's no big deal. Later in the conversation....

"So where do you live?"
"I'm out in Stone Mountain" I'm not really in Stone Mountain, but I've been so trained to hide where I live, that's always the automatic answer. I'm close to Stone Mountain. LOL.
"Do you live alone or do you have a roommate?"
"Nah, its just me. I got some family with me right now, but no roommate."
"I have a roommate, but I'm bouts to kick him out."

Okay, now I'm thinking, do we really have to keep talking? Again, at this point I'm not even putting 2 and 2 together, I'm just generally anti social and don't like talking to strangers.

"Word? Why what's wrong?"
"That bytch is getting on my nerves taking me for granted all the time."

OOOOHHHH!!! That kind of roommate. Anyway, I finally figured out where he was going with all the questions when he said..

"You should come to the club with me and my boyz" l'm imagining he spelled it with a z. LOL.

I had to shut that one down...

"Nah, I'm good. I only go to clubs where I can make it rain. Thanks though"

A couple of days later, he came back and was asking the same questions over and over again. I guess he didn't believe me.

"You said that you aren't married, right?"
"I'm not."
"And you have no kids"
"Not yet"
"Hmm.. So you must spend all your time with your girl when you get off work." You have to had been there to hear how he said girl. Girl meant boy, I think.
"I mean, I don't really have a girl. I got a few that I hang out with but nothing serious."
"Oh, so you a pimp. Rashan is a playa."
"I don't think I said that. But if that's what you wanna call me, I've heard worse."
"MmmHmm. Well why don't you bring your pimpin ass out with us this weekend. We'll show you how its really done"
"I told you, I only go to strip clubs. You wanna hit up Body Tap and I'm there."
"I know some people that'll strip for you..."

For real, this was getting a little weird. I pretended to get a phone call to dead that conversation real quick. As the night was coming to an end, he came up to me again.

"Do you take 75 to get home?"
Remembering my lie... "Nah, I take 285. Why?"
"I was gonna ask if you could drop me home. My ride is being a real bytch."
"I guess so. I don't get off until 10. Let me know if you don't find anyone else."
"Okay."

At 10, I tried to sneak out the building through one of the side doors, but my homegirl stopped me to talk before I could complete the ditch move. As we were talking, here comes GD. Apparently he didn't find a ride. I hugged my friend goodbye and we bounced to the parking lot. He told me what exit to get off on, and I sat there in the car making small talk, hoping someone would call me. They didn't, so I got to hear all about how much he pays for rent, how he can spend an entire paycheck in Ikea, how he was mad because his "roommate" was driving his car, how 1 in the morning is his "hoeing time", etc etc etc. I got off on his exit and then I realized something. I was in Midtown. Now for you non ATLiens... Midtown is homosexual central in Atlanta. Where the gay come to live and play. Where you see almost as many rainbow flags as American flags. Okay you get the point..oh wait... one more...It's a gayborhood. Okay, now I'm really done. LOL

"You can drop me off right here.."
"Aiight, I'll see you tomorrow." I'm ready to bounce, right.
"Oh there's my car right there. I'm gonna cut that bytch."

Why does the car have a bumper sticker that states "2Cute2BStr8"? I was like oookay. I found the highway again and rolled out.

Let's fast forward to Friday. You may remember my day of swagger where everything was going Rashan's way. I told you about the girl that came to my desk and was playing in my hair. GD was giving her the side eye, (yes, the side eye) as she was leaving. Lips were all contorted in a "who is that bytch" kinda way. Then when the girl did the model walk for me... that sealed it for him. He realized that I don't play for his team and was a little salty about it.

"Oh, you like that?"
"What you talking about?" I played dumb, but I knew what he was talking about.
"Mmm, so you feeling ____ now?" I don't feel like thinking up a blog name right now, although in the time it took me to write this sentence, I could have already came up with one.
"Man, I keep business and personal separate." At least I've been trying to.
"Whatever, I seen you looking at that. She looked-ed a hot mess"
"Okay, GD."

Now every day this week, GD got another sarcastic, catty remark to make. What'd I ever do to him?

"Rashan is just a big pimp. You should see these trifling heifas that come visit him."

or the line from Monday...

"You hittin' that too?"

or my favorite from today...

"Can you tell your girls to fix their weave before they bring they stank asses over here?"

Shit is just hilarious, yo!. GD is really hating on these women. This is the first time I've been approached albeit subtly by a man in my 33 years. That's my story and I'm sticking to it, Diva! Man, I wonder what tomorrow's comedy will be.

* I hate how everything is labeled homophobia. Just because that lifestyle isn't for me, doesn't mean I hate gay people. And I'm definitely not afraid of gayness. Just another one of my pet peeves. I guess.

American Idol Is So Gay...

I don't watch American Idol, but I like many others am bombarded by the coverage of the show. If it's not on the internet, its on TV. If its not on TV, its coworkers and random people talking about it. I actually know some of the Idol wannabes' names even though I have never sat down and watched it. For me, I don't find the embarrassing auditions entertaining, rather they are painful to watch. Most of the finalists aren't too much better either from the clips that I've seen. They all seem to be trying too hard and over sing in my opinion... Anyway, this post wasn't designed to criticize the show, cuz it is what it is and obviously a lot of people love it. This is just one more example of how I am different from other people. My point was this... American Idol is so gay.(How gay is it?)

Are there any real male singers in the world? From watching American Idol, you wouldn't think so. The guys they have on that show have about as much testosterone as a sorority house. That dude Sanjaya??? That dude looks gay as hell. I don't know if he is gay in real life, but the image he is portraying on the show is. From his girl pants to the blouses he wears and the mohawk, ain't nothing manly about him. And he's not the only one. Some of the other contestants are way too effeminate, like the last guy to get voted off. I don't know his name, but he had spiral curls like one of my ex's used to get. Apparently it isn't just this year either, I read an article about one of last years contestants Mario Vazquez getting sued for allegedly sexually harassing another man. And lets not forget Clay Aiken, the gayest of them all. It's like being gay is a requirement for being on that show.

While we are on the topic of gay stuff, I want to talk about Grey's Anatomy. I remember when i first saw the show, I was thinking that O'Malley character was gay. If you ask people who know me, they will tell you that I think everyone is gay, but seriously, I thought that from the beginning. But now that he has come out of the closet, when I watch the show and I see him hooking up with women, it just seems really, really wrong. My inner intolerant voice is saying "yeah, right!" Is it just me? Can you watch an openly gay man play straight without at least thinking about it? I know I can't. I'm not saying gay people shouldn't play straight characters, but I know I'm going to notice it. It's like if a white actor was playing a black character or vice versa, I would notice it.

Well, this post has gone in a totally different direction than I thought it would when I started writing it, but oh well. It was supposed to be funny, but I went off course somewhere. I should really change the title, but I don't feel like coming up with something new. I just noticed that there have been a lot of gay related stories on the news lately. I hope I didn't offend any of you, if so, there's a flag for objectionable content at the top of the page. Do ya thing. Have a good weekend, and I'll get at you soon!