A Letter to the Crazy Lady(ies)

7/6/2009

Dear Crazy Lady(ies),

Please don’t murder-suicide me. I know in the past I’ve taken your craziness lightly. I thought if anything, you would hurt yourself, but you wouldn’t do anything to me. When people told me to look out for your crazy behavior, I dismissed it like I was invincible. But believe, I get the point. You can, and will kill a brother if you feel like it. I don’t want to end up like Steve McNair. I don’t want to end up like Phil Hartman (yes, I took back like 10 years.) To put it simply, I just don’t want to die.

So, let’s do this. And this is hard for me to do. Let me apologize. I’d like to apologize for not answering the phone when you call. I’d like to apologize for not liking you like that. I’d like to apologize for NOT telling you that I love you when I don’t. I’d like to apologize for calling you a stalker to your face. I’d like to apologize for just being mean. I didn’t mean it. In retrospect, I should have done a better job of keeping you on your rocker. I should have realized that it’s my responsibility to make you un-crazy. It’s not your fault. You can’t help it that I put homicidal thoughts in your head by ignoring you. It’s all me.. My bad, crazy ladies…

In conclusion, crazy lady(ies), I don’t want to die. Please do not murder-suicide me. That won’t accomplish anything. We are not going to meet in the next lifetime. And if we do, I’m going to be pissed that you murder-suicided me. Call me stubborn, but that will have a negative effect on our fake relationship. If you just must do something drastic, can we switch this thing around and do a suicide-murder? You go first, and I’ll meet you there after a long long life with my wife and kids.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal

P.S. – I really don’t want to die. Put those murder-suicide thoughts out of your head please.

My Newest Stalker

For real, I think I got a new stalker. She's hot, yo! I can't even front. Okay, lemme stop before I get myself in trouble. LOL. I'm being stalked by fire...

Last night, on my way home from Florida, just as I crossed over the border with Georgia, I noticed that traffic started slowing down. I was in the slow lane, about to get off the exit to get gas. *sidenote* Why is gas a quarter cheaper in Georgia than Florida? I paid $1.74 right over the border and it was $2.01 no more than 5 miles down the road. *sidenote over* There's usually no traffic on the way home especially when I leave at night. I looked over to my left and I saw a truck, fully engulfed in flames. It was crazy. Then I started to feel the heat from the fire even though I was 3 lanes over with the windows up. I thought it was gonna be like CHiPs when the cars blow up. I was so happy to get off the highway. People were stopping on the highway to take pictures of the fire. Maybe I woulda done that too if I ever got around to buying batteries for my camera, but since I didn't I just kept it moving and watched from the gas station off the exit. I got home around 2:45 to see fire trucks in my apartment complex. Luckily, it doesn't look like anything got burned too badly, but it wasn't exactly a warm (pun intended) welcome home. Then today on my way home from work, there was another vehicle fire, this time on 285.

I think fire is out to get me. One man shouldn't have this many run ins with fire. From burning down Kareem's house, to the fire across the street from my apartment, to another fire in my complex I don't think I wrote about, I'm getting sick of the flames. I need to put my smoke alarm back up.

I ALREADY GAVE!!!

The biggest pimp I know? The Un.i.t.ed W.ay. Now before you get all up in arms and think I'm disparaging one of the countries biggest and most well known charities, just hear me out. The UW is ubiquitous. Not only do you see their commercials during every NFL game, chances are the company you work for is working with them. I know every job I've ever worked has had some kind of fund raising effort for the U.ni..te.d Way. Don't get me wrong, I think its a very good cause, its just... too much.

Look, I'm all for working for the community. Charity is a good thing. But I personally feel that if you give me a choice and I don't want to donate, then that should be the end of it. Every year it's the same thing, no matter what company I work for. There's an introduction to the UW followed by a request to pledge a donation. They take checks and credit cards, but to make it easier, just let them take it directly out of your paycheck. If you don't wanna give, then that's fine too. HOWEVER, you still need to go online and say that you aren't gonna give any money. I guess that's so some people will feel guilty saying no. That's easy enough. It takes 5 minutes to make your pledge or to say you aren't gonna give. Like I do every year, I made my little pledge to the UW. But wait, there's more...

Next, the companies have to supplement the donations. Just having everybody in the major corporation donate is not enough. It's like UW says, "Get back on that corner and get me some more dough." So, like a good hoe, the companies go back on the stroll. They have to get creative to create more cash flow. Some of the things I've personally seen at my jobs have been bake sales, silent auctions, car washes, golf tournaments, raffles to sporting events, and my personal favorite meetings with pseudo celebrities. You too can meet the third string offensive tackle from Atlanta's Arena Football team for a nominal donation to the UW. Yeah, how about no! I ALREADY GAVE MY DONATION. Can you back off me with the crappy contests? But wait, there's more...

Then come the emails. The emails that tell you how far away from our donation goal we are. The emails that tell you that you can always increase your pledge. The emails that tell you about the next fundraiser. The emails that come from an over exuberant coordinator that try to guilt you into giving more money. The excessive sometimes 2-3 times a day emails that flood your work email box. The emails that I actually no longer read because they just get on my nerves. When I was out of the office for a week, I returned to 23 emails about the UW. I was only gone for 7 days! There can not be that much information to provide. If I'm gonna give, I'm gonna give. If not, you aren't gonna change my mind. The worst part about is that I ALREADY GAVE!!! I don't need the constant reminders. But wait, there's more...

Now, it's the last week of the donation period. It's time to have a representative from UW come pimp us, I mean talk to us. As if we hadn't heard enough about them over the last 2 months, now we get to hear personal anecdotes about UW and see inspirational and uplifting videos about them. Like I said, I'm all for charity, but one thing I can't abide is someone trying to manipulate my emotions. Don't show me pictures of snotty nosed kids, or old infirm people in wheelchairs, or welfare mothers who couldn't comb their hair before getting on camera. I'm not drinking the UW Kool-Aid. Like I said...I ALREADY GAVE!!! I mean for real, all this harassment makes me want to rescind my pledge and just give it to the first homeless person I see.

Like I said, I know the U.ni.ted W.ay is a good organization. They work with all kinds of community groups and provide help to a lot of people. I support them. But something has to be done about the browbeating and constant haranguing for donations. There has to be a more dignified way to do this. Am I the only one that notices and gets annoyed by this? Also, I don't know if you heard, but we are in a recession. People can't just be giving to charity, when they can't afford their mortgages or food for their kids. Wait a minute, scratch that... I guess they can donate to the Un.it.ed W.ay, and then the Un.it.ed W.ay can use that same money to help them out.

PS - I was gonna call this post "Rashan Gets All Worked Up Over Nothing!" LOL

Thursday Thirteen: Stalkers!!! *NOW WITH LINKS!!!*

My favorite subject. LOL. Today's Thursday Thirteen is all about my stalkers. These are people that have for one reason or another chosen to fixate on me, give me unwanted attention and generally harass me. I'm also aware that this post is on some epic Tolstoy length stuff, so get over it and get ready to laugh. Or don't. See if I care. LOL

EDIT - I finally added the links... If you read them already, just skip 'em. If not, feel free to peruse at your will. Also, something is wrong with my comments again. I have to refresh like 3 times to see them. If you don't see your comment, it probably got saved, but it's just not showing. Refresh and it should come up.

1 . Nigerian Stalker – gave her my phone number to help her with an interview. She got the job and to show her undying thanks, she decided that she would become my woman, whether I wanted it or not. She started calling incessantly, coming by my office at work, offering to take me out. (Here's a link from when it was actually happening. I had forgotten about some of this.)I got out of that situation by being a Rashan… I mean being a jerk. I was so mean to her and it was funny to me. I couldn’t be overtly hostile to her since we worked together, but I found ways to psychologically injure her. The final straw was when she got her hair cut and was so proud of it. I just looked at her with the stank face and said:” You cut your hair. Hmm.” It really did look good, but she wasn’t getting no encouragement from me. She started crying and left me alone for about 3 months.

2. Michaela – She was a friend of a friend. I knew her in high school, but I guess I didn’t become a catch to her until after I graduated. I used to give my other friend a ride home, and without fail, Michaela used to be outside her house when we got there. I was still green, so I thought it was a coincidence until one day the three of us were talking. She went on for about 5 minutes about my lips and gave me her phone number despite my protestations that I had a girlfriend. After that, she would show up at my friends crib at 8:00 every night. I wonder how long she waited out there on the days I didn’t give her a ride home.

3. Janelle – not her real name, but some people that know her may be reading this blog. Anyway, she was this real dumb girl I used to work with. Let me not call her dumb, cuz I found out that she was in a car accident and wasn’t that way before. Anyway, she used to follow me around the building all the time, despite the fact that she had a live in baby daddy and was getting steadily knocked down by this lame dude in the office. When I used to walk by her desk, she would always try to smell me. “Rashan, you smell so good. Come closer.” Then she would try to molest me. LOL. She also was found of touching my tie and gazing lovingly in my eyes as she spoke. I wrote about her on my old blog. It’s called No-Doz Girl. That was a wild story.

4. Sallie – She was a little different. She didn’t have any romantic notions about me. She just wanted my money. Well, technically it was her money since I borrowed it from her, but apparently I wasn’t coming fast enough with it. Son, when I tell you she used to track me down. I mean, from my crib, to my grandma’s crib, to the job, Sallie was always around or always calling. I eventually gave her the money so she would stop harassing me. Darn student loans. Sorry, it took so long Sallie Mae.

5. Rosilyn – When I wrote about this one before, I called her my first stalker. I now realize she wasn’t. But she definitely the creepiest at the time. I was 19 working in the kitchen area of a hospital. It started out with secret admirer notes and progressed to crappy gifts. I was flattered at first, but by the time she revealed herself I was getting really annoyed. I had a girlfriend and these anonymous letters and promises to show herself were wack. I wish she woulda stayed secret though. Ol girl was 41.. Had a daughter 2 years younger than I, and looked like Biggie Smalls. After I rebuffed her, she followed me home one day, and I used to see her driving down the cul de sac peering out the window. Creepy.

6. Raquel – this one was kinda sweet. She lived down the street from me. She was a freshman when I was a senior. She had liked-ed me in a sweet innocent type of way. The thing is she used to come to my door to hang out after school, while I was trying to watch Rap City. Or knock on my door to escort me to the bus stop. Or show up outside my classes. She wasn’t so much a stalker as had a school girl crush, but I need 13 of these things so I’m stretching. LOL

7. Colonel Whatever-his-name-was – Yeah, so in high school they made us take the ASVAB (I think that’s what it’s called) Apparently my scores were phenomenal, cuz this dude kept calling my crib trying to get me to join the army as an officer. If you knew me in high school, you know the LAST thing I was gonna do was join the military. First of all, I had issues with being told what to do. Secondly, I didn’t even say the Pledge for Pete’s sake so I’m sure not gonna go fight for America. Thirdly, I don’t know if you remember a little conflict called Operation Desert Storm? Yeah, that was around this time. So, no, I’m not going into the army. But the colonel kept calling, coming up to the school and even was waiting at the crib one Saturday afternoon, while I was out playing football with the boys. Crazy military stalker!

8. Brian – Back when I was a budding rapper (LOL!!!) I was always trying to find someone to give me some beats that I could flow to. Brian was a producer from out of Atlanta. He said he had some beats for me to rhyme to. So, I took the tape home and listened and that mess SUCKED!!! I mean, the beats all sounded like they were made on a home Casio, all generic drums and synthesized melodies. I told him it wasn’t my style and thought that was the end of it. Every week, Brian kept coming back with wack Maxell tapes of wack beats. I couldn’t escape this dude. I started varying my patterns around the school, but he always found me. I wonder where he is now. He’s probably making beats for Jim Jones or somebody.

9. Blog Stalker – Yeah, this can be one of three, so if you are one of them and you think I’m bringing up old stuff by talking about you, I’m not. I’m talking about the other one. LOL

10. Nailah – Go head Diva. Tell me told you so. A chick I knew from back in the day who tryna hard to get at me. I mean, walking around my crib buck naked trying to entice me. I wrote about it here. I had a girl. I chose my girl over her. We were friends so she didn’t get labeled as a stalker at the time. Fast forward 9 years, I see her again. We get cool for a minute, but then she tries that same old stuff. This time she was staying with me and was supposed to be in the spare bedroom. I go to turn off all the lights and stuff and next thing I know, she’s buck naked in my bed. When that didn’t work, a couple of days later she sends me text messages offering herself up and just in case I thought she was joking, she called and made it clear. I was like nope, I’m good. So then, I’m meeting Jameil. I told Nailah I was out of town with Jameil, but she kept calling and texting. One text said “Do you have a hairy back.” I was done. I was like no more nice guy for me. I’m just not gonna have any contact with her at all. So, I ignored emails, calls, texts and myspace messages for about a month and she slowed up. I just hope she don’t show up at my crib.

11. Lawrence J. Silvers – Back when I was managing at another bank, I rarely took phone calls from customers. It had to be an extenuating circumstance to get me on the phone. This guy was one of them. He had been calling and harassing my employees for 2 days over nothing. I personally thought he was just a nut who wanted someone to talk to and berate. After the 5th rep spoke to him, I told her to send me the call. I started off with my spiel like always, but this dude was not having it. I swear he kept me on the phone for an hour. An hour that I could have used to blog or do payroll whichever was more pressing at the time. Anyway, we weren’t talking about a thing, so I ended the call. He called back and someone gave him my direct number. I told him what his options were. We can talk about business or we can NOT talk. That was my show stopping line. That usually kept things moving, but not with this guy. He called me a “young aggressive arrogant punk” and vowed that he would get me fired. I wasn’t scared, but I was done talking to him. Remember when I said someone gave him my direct number? Well, one morning I checked my voicemails from home (which I often did b/c I was often not in the office when I was supposed to be) and had 17 messages from him. This cat was cursing me out, threatening me, all kinds of buffoonery. I contacted our Office of the President and told them what was up. They closed his account and told him not to call anymore, but yeah, he wasn’t hearing it. He started calling from pay phones and blocked numbers. This kept up for a good 3 months. Oh and get this… he said he was a lawyer, but he lived in various seedy hotels and picked his mail up from the post office, so nobody could trace his whereabouts.

12. The (most recent) Work Stalker – She got my number b/c a group of us were supposed to go out one day. She used it for her own personal gratification. I talked to her once and then she started calling like 3 times a day. I told her to cool out. She did. I should have seen the signs but I forgave her thinking, she doesn’t know I don’t like people calling me that much. We IM’d at work, were pretty cool at work. She invited me to her birthday party. Turned out to be just me and her. She tried to put the moves on me, which I rebuffed. (different link) She sent me an email basically fed exing the drawers to me. I posted it on my blog. She said she was 35, she was really 42. She phone stalked, IM stalked, eye stalked at work. After I called her a stalker to her face, she said that I’m not really this mean and she was gonna get to know the real me. Sorry, this is the real me. LOL Finally got rid of her by changing departments at work.

13. Veronica – No, not the blogger. You’re cool with me. But this crazy girl did and does so much crazy I don’t know where to start. Let’s see… I should start with the burying chicken bones in my yards trying to put roots on me. Or should I start at the brewing weed in my iced tea so I wouldn’t go home. Or perhaps, the telling people that I was the father of her kids that were conceived well before I met her. Or perhaps, how she threatened to beat up my girlfriend and my female friends. Or how she threatened to kill herself when I broke up with her. Or how she found my grandma’s house (she had never been there) and went looking for her there. Or how she got my mom’s phone number out my phone and called her and told her that we were getting married (she had no idea who Veronica was.) Or how she still sends me a MySpace message every month even though its clear I will not be responding to anything she has to say. Or… okay, let me stop before this post gets even longer. LOL I always tell people, if I’m inexplicably murdered or kidnapped, start with Veronica, Queen of the Stalkers!!!

Confessions: The Stalkee Becomes The Stalker

You asked for it. By an overwhelming margin, people wanted to hear the story of how I became a stalker. Well, how can I deny my blog fam? If you've ever read my blog, then you know I have a tendency to meet crazy people that don't like to go away no matter how much I tell them to. Well, one time I found myself doing something similar. Here goes nothing. The Stalkee Becomes The Stalker...


She stood silently, mouth slightly agape, her visage flickering in the candlelight. A slight hint of her hazel eyes flashed through her trademark squint. As she leaned in closer to me, I felt compelled to maneuver my hands under the edges of her shirt which fell an inch short of her waistline. Tenderly caressing the smooth skin of her back, I gently moved her a little closer to me. Our eyes locked first, followed closely by our lips. A first kiss to remember for a lifetime...



Wait a minute.. Let me not start in the middle, I should back it up a bit. I don't think anyone was reading my old blog when I first wrote about her. I made the mistake of using her real name (which I wont do this time), and rather than edit the post, I deleted it. Of course back then I wasn't willing to admit that I was in fact displaying stalking tendencies. To me it was a potential love story. Enough hemming and hawing, I guess I should tell the story.


I had known Renee since I was a senior in high school and she was a freshman. We lived around the corner from each other and rode the same bus to school each morning. We were friendly, I guess, but she was a little girl to me. Not that I was so grown up, as a 16 year old at the start of the school year, but she was 3 grades behind. Renee had a little bit of a crush on me, which I encouraged seeing as how I wasn't exactly beating the girls off of me in high school. But all in all, it was completely innocent. We would talk on the way to school and in Chorus class. Now that I think about it, she was my dance partner in one of our choral concerts. I remember how good she smelled. See, I'm talking like a stalker already and I haven't even gotten to that part of the story yet. Let's get out of high school and move on to college.


A couple of years went by and I was starting my second junior year at Savannah State University. I saw Renee standing in front of Payne Hall. I didn't really forget about her, because I passed her house everyday, but I wasn't thinking about her. College had been good to me. Apparently what passes for nerdiness in high school translates into a sort of intellectual coolness in college. As a result, I had loads of fun Freshman and Sophomore years. My first Junior year was all about Lisa, my first real serious girlfriend. So, no, I wasn't really thinking about Renee. Until I saw her that day. She was all grown up. No longer the little girl that used to follow me around school, she had transformed into a beauty.


I was attracted instantly to this older version of Renee. Physically, she was just gorgeous without making an effort. You know the type that can wear jeans and a t-shirt and throw their hair in a ponytail and still be dead fine? That was Renee. (Here is gonna be some extra crazy stalking stuff... but here's her picture. This is what she looks like now. If you know her, don't let her know that I used to stalk her. LOL) It was her beguiling smile and the way she would laugh like her life depended on it that drew me in. The fact that I had a girlfriend that I'd been with for a year, pulled me back. The reality was that as cool as she was, I wasn't the type to type to stray and who knows what Renee was thinking. So I kept it cool with her. Talking and flirting when we would see each other, but never pushing up on her. We stayed friendly throughout the rest of my college days, but of course I did my thing and she did hers so we didn't see each other that often.

Renee and my paths crossed again towards the end of 1997. It was a real interesting time in my life. I had met some eclectic people that joined my circle, one of which was Lesbian Roommate. By sheer coincidence, Renee and Lesbian Roommate were friends. So, Renee started hanging out with us at our place on 40th and Paulsen. I was girlfriend-less at the time for the first time in 3 years, and Renee was looking good to me. Even better than that, I loved the way her mind worked. It was often put on display during some of our all night hangout sessions. Those were crazy. My friends and I would light incense and candles, sit on the floor and talk about anything and everything for hours on end. Most nights, Lesbian Roommate and I would have people crashing at the spot, just because they fell asleep while talking about infinity or something faux deep like that. And for the most part, we weren't high or drunk. Just stimulating, intellectual conversations with friends. My favorite sessions were the ones that included Renee.

One night after all the rest of the crew had long since fallen asleep, Renee and I remained awake talking the night away. As she got up to leave, something, perhaps the candlelight, perhaps the Maxwell playing in the background, came over us. We kissed for the first time that night. You already read about that. Now I should tell you what happened next.

"You aren't ready for me, Rashan."

I remember that phrase like it was yesterday. I knew what she meant since we had talked about it during one of our marathon conversations. Truth be told, it had only been a few months since me and Lisa broke up, and I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship. And Renee was not the type that you give less than 100% to. She wasn't rebound girl, she was wifey material and she knew it. I was taken aback that she cut it off before it really even got started. I still remember the dimple on her left cheek as she smiled and kissed me goodbye that night. I thought if only this happened a little later, everything would be cool. Renee and I could be together if only the timing was right.

I know you are wondering when the stalking is gonna start and here it comes. This confession isn't easy to make, ya know! The rest of the week, my only thoughts were those of Renee. I laid awake at night daydreaming about her soft lips upon mine, the sweet smell at the nape of her neck, her baby smooth skin. I ain't gonna front, I had it bad. Any bad cliche you can think of, I was doing it. Staring at the picture that we took together at my Memorial Day BBQ - check. Listening to her voice on my answering machine - check. Writing horrendous poetry - check. I thought of strategies to win her over, to make her forget that I was just getting out of a relationship, to show her that I was ready to make her mine. I thought of ways to see her without making it seem creepy. But the manifestation of these desires was just that: creepy.

On several occasions, I went to see her at the mall where she worked part time under the guise that I was buying CDs. I would conveniently stop by when I knew she was working. She always greeted me kindly and had conversation with me, but there is no way that she didn't know that I was only there to see her. Ain't that much good music in the world. One afternoon, I actually sat in the parking lot until I saw her pull up and then walked up on her like it was a coincidence. I know, that's some stalker stuff right there. I also just happened to be riding through campus at the time when I knew she would be walking from the library to the student center. As a graduate, I had no business being on campus, but just the chance of seeing Renee was enough for me. At the time, I knew what I was doing, but somehow didn't realize that she could (probably) see right through me. To her credit, she never called me out on my stalkerish behavior, but she had to know. This went on for about 3 weeks.

One day it all hit the fan. I went to visit my grandmother, whose house I grew up in around the corner from Renee. As I was driving past Renee's house, I found myself looking in the driveway for her familiar car. Tres stalkeresque!!! All of a sudden it hit me. Rashan, you are losing your cool. You are on the verge of being a full out stalker. You hated when your stalker did that to you. What are you doing? Are you really gonna be one of those sucka-for-love-ass-tricks that you make fun of all the time? Get a grip, homey!

So, I did. It was like an epiphany. I turned off the creepy and got back to being Rashan. I found my rebound girl and although she turned out to be even creepier and stalkerish than I ever could conceive of, I realized that Renee was right. I wasn't ready for her. I needed time to not be serious. I needed to keep it light for awhile before I was ready to dive back into a relationship. Hell, I needed a damn intervention for all the crazy stuff I was doing.

I saw Renee again a couple of years ago. Like most refugees from Savannah, she's living in the Atlanta area. As we conversed at dinner I thought about the crazy things I did back then and said a silent prayer of thanks that I got my mind right. Renee is still the type of woman I'd like to end up with one day, but I'm glad that I know no matter how stimulating the conversation, or how attracted I am, there is no excuse for crazy stalkerish behavior. This was just my time to slip up, I guess.

And that my friends is the story of how the stalkee became the stalker. These are my confessions...

My Funny Valentine

I been chillin all day. Listening to my newest obsession Pan.dora radio, watching movies, lurking (that's right I said it) on blogs and stuff, and exchanging messages with some bloggers. I took my day off to do pretty much nothing. Until about 20 minutes ago. I went to go to gas station to get an orange powerade. Not sure why, but I really wanted one. I get to my car and what do I see?

There was a Valentine's Day card and some balloons on my car from a secret admirer. WTF? I got a couple of issues with this. My first thought was this seems like something my friends would do just to mess with me, but I doubt it. See, nobody knows where I live. Even my closest friends have ever been out here. It's a combination of me just not inviting them, and also living on the other side of town. All my peoples are in Cobb County and I'm in Dekalb. They don't come out this way, and I'm always out that way, so it just works out that I hang out on that side of town. They aren't above a practical joke, but they aren't gonna brave traffic to do it. It can't be them, can it?

My second thought was this was the stalker at work again. But I know for damn sure that she don't know where I live. I would have noticed her following me, cuz I'm paranoid like that. I don't have a home phone, so I'm not listed. It's not possible that she could find me, is it? I checked the stalker's website, Zabasearch, and they have my address from 8 years ago, not my updated one. So that's out. Besides if it was her, she would want me to know. I would have gotten a long diatribe detailing the reasons she chose to give me a gift. I also think she would have knocked on the door. It can't be her, can it?

My last thought was that it wasn't really for me. My name wasn't anywhere on the card. It just said, Dear Handsome. I mean, that could be me, cuz, well you know I am handsome. LOL. But there was no reference to Rashan, Jamal, or any of the other fake names I use when I'm avoiding people. And the balloons were really the stuff that youngsters would give each other. The stereotypical red heart balloons. Hell I don't know.

I hate not knowing stuff. This is gonna bother me until I finally forget about it like 3 weeks from now. Maybe I'll just move. LOL Okay back to the music and emails now. I'll holla in the morning.

My Stalker's Stalker

I don't know how I forgot to tell you about this one. Thursday was funny as hell. I told you a while back about my "work stalker." Well, I'm not so sure I would still call her that, but it makes the title funnier, so for the sake of this post, she is still a stalker.



Anyway, she got a work stalker too. This dude is conservatively 45 years old, but probably much older. He dresses like them old playas in the club with the linen pants and crazy print shirts, and gator type shoes. He's tried several times to get old girl's phone number, which she (according to her) politely declined. She told me about him before, but I never paid him no mind. One day last week, she IM'd me to tell me that he was staring at her. I looked and sure enough, he was. He had a creepy look on his face, and really wasn't trying to play it off. I was like wow, you gotta stalker! Fast forward to Thursday. I was at my work stalker's desk going over something or other, and I looked up and guess who was watching: My work stalker's work stalker. Me, never being one to let things go easy, said "You need something, my man?" He sat down and didn't respond. I cracked up. It was funny to me until...



I went on break and there he was. He didn't say anything to me, but I had never seen him outside with the smokers before. When I got done, I went to the restroom to wash my hands and face. I had my glasses off, so when I heard someone else come in the restroom, I didn't know who it was. After cleaning my glasses, and putting them back on, who do I see two sinks down from me: that dude. I'm like WTF? Is this dude following me? I leave the restroom and go back upstairs to my desk. Why is this dude looking at me or in my general direction for the remainder of the night?

Uggghhh... I'm being stalked by my work stalker's work stalker! This is something that could only happen to me.

An Oldie But Goodie

Random Thought of The Day: I don't trust people who smile too much. It's okay to smile when someone makes a joke, but for a grown man to just be walking around with a smile on his face makes me nervous.

I was reading my old blog this morning just to see what I was writing about this time last year. I came accross this post from the same week a year ago. It was pretty good if I do say so myself. And since I am lazy, I decided to repost it. Sort of a Greatest Hits kind of thing. If you have already read it, then I will see you on Monday, if not, I hope you enjoy it. BTW, my old blog was really good. I'm on my own jock about some of the posts. I need to get my blog swagger back like I had last year.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STALK?!?! (recycled from June 5th, 2006 on IT WAS WRITTEN)

This joint comes courtesy of an IM conversation with Tenacious the other day. I can't remember how we got on the topic of stalkers, but I thought it would be funny if stalkers had a rule book, sort of a crash course in Stalking 101. They always tend to do the same things, so I was wondering where they learned this from. Not to mention that I have an overactive imagination. Allow me to present to you a little post I like to call So You Think You Can Stalk?

Good Afternoon class and welcome to Stalking 101. My name is Professor I.M. Watchinu. If you haven't taken the required prerequisite classes of Obsession 202 and Inappropriate Displays of Affection 215, please leave the class now. This is a high level course and is not suitable for amateurs or people in love. Feel free to reenroll once that relationship goes sour. For those of you that remain, please take a look at the required media located on your syllabus. You must purchase "Fatal Attraction" and "Single White Female." In addition, "A Thin Line Between Love and Hate" will be a prominent part of the class discussion.

I want to start you out with an overview of what we will be covering this semester. In the first week, we will be teaching various methods of watching someone without being detected. This includes but is not limited to, subtle glances, dark sunglasses, hiding in the library and my personal favorite, the drive by. Are there any questions so far? Yes, you in the corner in the black hoodie.

Stalker #1: What's the driveby?

Well, I'm glad you asked. A driveby is when you slowly ride by your stalkee's house or job in hopes of catching a glance of them. They can not realize you are watching, so you have to come up with a legitimate reason for being in the neighborhood in case you are confronted. For instance, if your subject works in the mall, you have to pretend you are going to buy his or her favorite artist's CD. This also gives the illusion that you have something in common with your subject.

Stalker # 1 : But what if you don't know their favorite artist?

You get out of my class right now!!! You obviously haven't taken Obsession 101. Finding that tidbit of info is fundamental to being a stalker. If you don't know at least that much then you simply like the subject, and you are not ready to stalk. Now, where was I?

Yes, the next step is the stakeout. In this course you will learn techniques on where to place yourself to acheive maximum stalkerness. You may want to sit in your car and watch the subject. This is not as easy as it sounds. You must find a poorly lit section of the parking lot to blend in with the darkness. Also with the rising gas prices, its not feasible anymore to leave your car running while you spy. For this reason, you must learn how to maximize your fluid intake and control your sweating. This is only for advanced stalkers, the amateurs will find themselves running back and forth to the restroom thus missing several observation opportunities.

Next up is the phone call. You must learn what time is best to place stalking phone calls. If your subject is a night owl, give him/her a call in the morning when they are just waking up. If they are an early riser, then call late at night. This is when your stalkee is most vulnerable and subject to make decisions that they may not normally make. Once you have established contact, you have to know what to say. In this course, we will teach you the correct verbaige to make your subject uncomfortable. Lines like "I feel like I've known you my whole life" or "You looked really good in that green dress 17 days ago." I know this is the first day of class, but I want to hear some of your best stalker lines, so I know what I'm working with. Any volunteers?

Stalker #2 - "How about, girl, I've been watching you since the 3rd grade"

Stalker # 3 - "I have one. I can't wait until you make me pregnant"

Very good, class!!! I see you have experience. I would caution you though to be a little more subtle. You don't wanna give away the fact that you're a stalker right away. Remember stalking is a marathon, not a sprint. Hopefully by the time midterms come around, you'll see the difference. Okay, lets continue with our stalking syllabus.

Next up is the inappropriate gift. This one trips up many potential stalkers. You have two schools of thought here and I will teach them both. First, you have the practical gift givers. These stalkers like to give gifts that their subject can actually use. Gifts like off brand cologne, ties, scarves, lingerie, and the list goes on and on. Then you have the sentimental gift givers. These people like to give handmade cards, flowers, jewelry, and my personal favorite, poetry.

Stalker #4: Which school of thought are you in, Professor Watchinu?

Well, I like to mix things up and pick from both types. For instance, for my Senior Stalking Thesis, I made my stalkee a mixtape of her favorite Luther Vandross songs. I also got her some perfume from Target and topped it off with 12 dozen yellow roses. I sent it to her office building on a day that she had an important meeting. I don't expect any of you to be this advanced yet, but hopefully I can teach you to think outside of the box.

Stalker #4 - That was amazing! I hope I can be just as big of a stalker as you are!

Stalker #5 - What other tips do you have for us aspiring stalkers?

Well, if you look on your syllabus, the last section is entitled Miscellaneous. The last 2 weeks of class are going to be intense. You will learn things like how to be a non romantic stalker, you know when you just stalk your friends. Also, I'll teach you how to react to your first restraining order. Here's a preview of that one: It's just a piece of paper. Finally, I'll tell you what to do if your stalkee actually gives in.

Stalker #4 - I've heard about that happening, but I've never experienced it. What do you do in a case like that?

Stalker # 5 - I usually come down with some sort of erectile dysfunction. Is that an acceptable approach to getting the girl of your dreams?

You are on the right track. ED is a common reaction, but there are other things to consider as well, such as going crazy, locking hin/her up in your basement, or ruining their lives because they are actually human, and not worthy of being on a pedestal. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. You aren't gonna learn to be a stalker overnight.

This course is going to teach what you need to know, but a lot of it comes from you. For this reason, class participation is a must. I want everyone to start a stalking journal and fill it with the details of your obsession. Extra credit if you come up with something I haven't seen. Let me just say, I think I've seen it all from writing in blood, to writing in iambic pentameter, to sketchbooks. It will take a lot to surprise me, but I believe you have the potential to do it. Since its the first day of class, I'll let you leave early. But before I do, are there any questions? Remember there's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.

Stalker # 6 - Professor Watchinu, why must we stalk people?

Great question! Stalkers fill a very important role in our society It is our duty to stalk because people need to feel wanted. Without us, the normal and well adjusted would not know what true passion is. Everyone needs to be stalked at least once to feel that rush of life. Its the sheer fear that we cause- that lets them know that they are truly alive. All right class, if there are no further questions, I'll see you next week. Make sure you bring a candid picture of subject preferably taken with a cell phone camera or a long lens camera. And if you can find a baby picture, that's even more extra credit. Class dismissed.

It was written...