The Best Blog Post...EVER!!!

Not really, but have you noticed that everything is the best thing ever? Or how every little occurrence is historic? Or how people make up meaningless records when writing about insignificant things. I hate that. Hyperbole gets on my nerves. As a former English major, I understand the purpose of it, but the overuse of exaggeration is so annoying. In fact it's the most annoying thing EVER!!! (see what I did there? That's hyperbole!) It's my own fault for having Yahoo!! as my homepage. Their so called news headlines are nothing but sensationalism. I just happen to like their search engine better than Google. (Since Google owns Blogger, do you think they will try to edit this post? LOL) But their news and entertainment, even their sports headlines reek of misleading, overblown headlines. I mean, really do I really care if the NFL has never had an 11-10 game? No, but even if I did, it's a stretch to call it historic. I'm sure there's never been a game that ended 300 - 2 either. Now, that would be historic. And to say that the latest James Bond movie had a record breaking box office performance... for Bond films: that is not a real record. There is no entry in the Guiness Book of Records for this category. If there was, then I'm sure that Breakin 2 would hold the record for best box office for a movie featuring a bunch of ghey looking dudes spinning on their heads while pretending to be hip hop. (See what I did there? I made up a fake record! LOL) And to say that Samuel Jackson is the biggest box office draw... EVER is patently ridiculous. Dude was barely in Star Wars. And he is in every other movie ever made. (See, more hyperbole!) How you gonna count that for his total? Stop exaggerating. When is the last time you went to see a movie because Samuel L was in it? Deep Blue Sea? Unbreakable? (Yes, I know you are gonna say Soul Man, but for the purposes of this joke, just forget about that one. LOL)

So, in conclusion... STOP WITH THE HYPERBOLE! It's not the best week ever! It's not the most historic non event ever! Those are not real statistics and records! You are getting on my nerves with all that and that's no exaggeration. You know what? If you can't beat em, join them. I'm gonna start making stuff up too. Here goes nothing...

This is the first time in my blog that I've linked to Wiki Answers! That's historic.

This post marks the 511th consecutive blog post that I've used the word "the." That's a record for bloggers named Rashan that live in the Atlanta Metro area and have a birthdate of 11/25/1974! (don't really click. I just linked right back to myself - LOL)

Ellipses are the best... form... of... punctuation...ever!

THIS IS THE BEST BLOG POST...EVER!!!

Masterpiece Theatre - NOT!!!

This is another one of those satirical joints. It's a fake commercial for one of those Chitlin Circuit, gospel plays that always star washed up pseudo celebrities from the past. I probably should have waited until the holiday was over so more people would read it, but I didn't have anything else to post about. Enjoy and tell me how crazy you think I am in the comments. LOL

Coming to a city near you... It's the inspirational story of a young man trying to do the right thing while facing temptation from all angles.

Female Voice: "Heeeey, Shaquan! When you coming over boo?

A man who seemingly has it all...

Male Voice: I am a strong buh-lack man. I have my own house, my own car, no kids and a fine black woman. I'm living the American Dream.

A man harboring a secret that could shatter his perfect world. Shaquan is in love!

Male Voice: "I don't know why you keep trippin', Quan! You are gay!

...With a man!

America's pre eminent African American writers, David E Talbert and Tyler Perry finally collaborate on this emotional tale of love, life and redemption:

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From the Down Low?

Starring: Kristoff St John from "Young and the Restless" as Shaquan.

Shaquan: "I do like women...but there's just something about a man that makes me sweat. I don't see why I should have to choose"

Lark Voorhies as Jerinica,his girlfriend too blinded by love to realize the truth. And "Different World's Charnele Brown as her best friend Sherica who tries to school her.

Sharica: Girl, I saw your man at the gym hugged up with some fione brotha. Why are the good looking ones always gay?

Jerinica: "Quan is NOT gay. He was just working out and pumping iron"

Thea Vidale as Miss Lula Belle.

Miss Lula Belle: "Girrrl, he was pumping something all right. Something's getting worked out."
Female Voices: OOOOOOH CHILE!!!! I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!!!

Also starring, recording artist Play from Kid N Play reunited with Full Force's Bow Legged Lou for the first time since House Party.

Play (dancing and spinning): Do you think Shaquan is gay? I hear that brother is on the DL

BL Lou: What do you think? That brother gets his eyebrows waxed, his nails done and when was the last time you've seen a straight guy know that much about drapes?

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? is the touching story of a confused man that wants to get right with the Lord. Comedian Reynaldo Rey gives a gripping performance as The Good Reverend Doctor Cleophus Jackson

Shaquan: Preacher, why can't I love a man and still get into heaven?

Cleophus Jackson: Shaquan, the Lord says to love your brothers... not LOVE your brothers.

Watch as Shaquan's inner demons drive him to drink.

Shaquan (drunkingly): I don't know what to do. The Bible says one thing, but my heart says another.

Also starring Calvin from 227, Curtis Baldwin as Junebug:

Junebug (also drunk): What you need to do is stop playing for the other team, and find your strong black queen. And I'm not talking about a drag queen.

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? also stars the black guy from Color Me Badd and from TV's Designing Women, Meshach Taylor.

Black Guy From Color Me Badd: It's not so bad being gay, Quan. Look at me. I have a condo in Midtown, a cute little Mini Cooper and look at my cute little man bag. No straight man could ever pull this off.

Meshach: You ain't exactly pulling that off either, honey! You look like Little Richard and Liberace's love child. But for real, Quan. That downlow stuff is for the birds. Embrace the rainbow, brother!

Also comic relief from 2 Big MC and Poetic Justice's Joe Torre

2 Big MC: I blame his mama. She shoulda known he was gonna be gay when she put that Q in his name!

Joe Torry: I'm saying his mama might as well named him Twan and put him in dresses.

And fresh off her command performance at the Pearly Gates, in the role that she was born to play, What's Happening!!'s Mabel King as Big Mama!

Big Mama: Now, Quan... ain't nothing in your life so bad, that Jesus can't forgive.

Shaquan: I hear you Big Mama. But, how can I stop this lust in my heart?

Big Mama: Baby, you gots to let go and Let God! That's the only way you'll get by in this crazy world.

(Gospel Music plays in the background)

Big Mama has the answers, but will Shaquan listen? Come find out when Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow comes to your city!!!

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow coming to a civic center, convention hall or state fair near you this fall. Discounts offered for church groups, packs of bitter woman, and DL guys that think we can't tell they are gay.

Dawg? You Like Forty!

I so wanted to call this post "Nigga, You Forty!", but since everybody got that preview blog roll thing, I didn't want to offend any passers by. I mean, if you come to my blog, then I don't really care about offending you, cuz you know what you are in for. I'm a be mean or make a sarcastic comment. I might even make an insensitive joke or two. But anyway, that's not what I was gonna post about... What I was gonna post about was this nonsense I heard over the weekend. It made me exclaim "Nigga, you Forty!!!"

Master P says he's gonna change his name to P. Miller. I really could care less. The obvious P. Diddy reference doesn't bother me. If you are prone to knob slobbery, then slob that knob. I 'ont care. It ain't like you haven't been biting your entire career, with your Pac-esque flow and your Hootie Hoo 7 years after Outkast did it and your lifting entire lyrics from other artists. Wait, again, that wasn't my point. My point was this... P gonna come out his mouth and say this nonsense:

"I'm changing my name because Master P is who I used to be. I call it my childhood and P. Miller marks my manhood."

NIGGA, YOU FORTY!!! Your childhood lasted until you were like 38? Until nobody wanted to buy your records anymore? Until you got that job on Nickelodeon? Childhood, my swollen big toe! You do realize that nobody would know who you were if you didn't make God awful catchy music, right? I'm glad that you decided to finally become a man. By the way, during this time when you were supposedly a child, didn't you have kids? Are your kids more grown than you? When you turn 73 will you then become middle aged? At 101, will you just start to collect Social Security? Seems like you growth was a little stunted? I'm just asking!

You may be wondering why I'm reacting so strongly to this. It's more funny than anything to me. It may be that I don't like when people try to turn their back on what made them famous to begin with. I know I know, people can change, but it still bothers me. It also annoys me when grown ass men talk about growing up. Son, you shoulda been grown! I'm not saying you have all the answers when you are in 20s, believe me, I'm 33 and I know precious little more than I did when I was 16. But come on, dawg! 40 is a little late to be talking about finally becoming a man. Oh well, at the very least I got to entertain myself by saying "Nigga, YOU FORTY!!!" all weekend. Try it...It's catchy!!! LOL

Full Disclosure: I never liked P's lyrics, rhyme scheme, subject matter, etc...except when I was in the club! I used to get crunk of some Master P joints back in the day. Throwing 'bows and mean muggin while holding my Alize!!! This was one of my favorites.... HUSTLA! BALLA! GANGSTA! CAP PEELA! Who I be, your neighborhood drug dealer!!!!" I know... coontastic, but I loved it!

Respect

Just a couple of random thoughts thrown together into a post...

I wish I liked Alicia Keys. I tried, but for some reason I just cant get into her. I mean, I like what she stands for as far as real talent and musicianship, if thats a word. I even like a few of her singles, but invariably when I listen to her albums, i just find myself underwhelmed. Bored, even. It bothers me because I know she is very talented, but I guess I just don't like what she likes. I respect the hell outta Ms. Keys, but I dont think I like her.

That's not unlike Mos Def. I want to like him too. When he was with BlackStar and rapping I did. When he first started acting I was like he's doing a good job repping hip hop. When he would speak at colleges and stuff, he seemed reasonably intelligent. Then I bought his solo album. I tried to like it for a while, before I realized it was pretty darn horrible. I gave him another chance with his next album, but I downloaded it. I wasnt about to make that same mistake again. That one was pretty horrible too. And his acting? It just rubs me the wrong way now. I don't what happened. I respect him, but I don't like him as an artist.

I respect what Will Smith does as an entertainer. He's good natured, talented, but I just find his brand of humor to be off putting. It's nothing personal about him, but I just would rather sit through a kindergarten play than watch one of his movies. But I do respect what he does.

See, I'm not always a hater. I just like what I like. I can at least respect what these people do, even if I not entertained by it.

I Do My Dirt All By My Lonely

I do my dirt all by my lonely "Hey!" Find the phony
Past the mass, one deep, yeah the only
Do or die, with slugs for the Ruger
Rollin patrollin in a stolen black Cougar
I do my dirt all by my lonely

"Dirt All By My Lonely" Naughty By Nature 1999

Naughty by Nature told you how to do it years ago: I do my dirt all by my lonely. However grammatically incorrect that statement is, it is nevertheless good advice. Nowadays, you can't trust other people with your secrets. People will snitch on you in a minute. I'm far from a thug, but even I know you there's no honor amongst thieves and no G code anymore.

Somebody should have told Michael Vick about that. The people you think are your boys will rat you out in a minute to save their own asses. It don't matter if they getting all their money off of you. They'll runteldat to prevent their own jail time. I know he's sitting somewhere under house arrest cursing the day he decided to trust his homeboys. I bet he really expected them to take the charge for him, but we all know how that turned out. (I really hate Vick and his boys. Not so much about the dogs, but what they did to the Falcons. 1-5? Shit is just not right.)

OJ should have know better too. He knows good and damn well he's hated as much as Osama Bin Laden. What possessed him to run a caper with other people? When the shit hit the fan, his co -defendants are running to tell on him. They are gonna leave OJ holding the bag while they get a book deal about how they brought Amerikka's Most Wanted down. I mean, they have been looking for a way to bring Othello down for over a decade. It turns out his friends are gonna be the ammunition that they needed. (By the way, I always thought OJ was guilty, I just couldn't bring myself to admit it during the trial. It seemed like I would have been less Black if I admitted that.)

Britney should have thought twice before doing her dirt in front of other cats. She should have just got high and naked by herself. Doing stuff like that in front of people you are supposed to be able to trust, like her bodyguard made her lose custody of her children. You just can't let other people know about all your dirt because it will eventually come to light. (Am I the only one who thinks that child custody hearings should be private? This is gonna scar those kids when they grow up and hear about all the rancor and acrimony. And yes, I am using my SAT words)

And now, T.I. is in trouble again. How you gonna have your bodyguard buy machine guns and silencers for you? You got to know that if it comes down to him and you, he's gonna look out for himself. You gotta do your dirt all by your lonely. All trust goes out the window when you looking at fed time. All loyalty goes by the wayside when faced with the prospect of prison. I just don't know what these people are thinking sometimes. (I used to like T.I., but I think he really tries to dumb down his lyrics. I've heard some stuff where he really spits, but now its mostly just the same old gangsta, drug lyrics. It's disappointing to me, but I'm sure he cares more about his money than some dude who wouldn't buy his album anyway.)

Like I said, I know nothing of the streets, but I have done my share of dirt. One of the things I always kept in mind was to keep that shit to myself. I learned that lesson a long time ago. Everybody don't need to know what you are up to. Stop Snitchin' ain't nothing but a catchy slogan for a T-Shirt. It's easy to say that you won't do it, but when the chips fall, most people are gonna look out for number 1. I don't blame them at all for it; that's basic human nature. I do however blame these cats who get other people involved in their dirt and expect them to take the fall for them. It's just not realistic. If Sammy the Bull can rat out the Mafia, then what chance do you really think you have of maintaining loyalty? Son, do your dirt all by your lonely.

Shocking Blogger Update!!! T. Cas to Rehab?!?!

Random Thought: "It's like Jurassic Park and I'm your sexasaurus" R. Kelly "Zoo" This dude is out of his mind... kinda like me. This post is all about being sarcastic, and parodying the pop culture world and those entertainment shows. And for those that didn't read my old blog, T. Cas was my old blogger name.


Welcome to Blogger Entertainment Tonight, I'm your host: Maria Meddle. On tonight's show, which blogger is really a nice guy even though he pretends to be a jerk? And which female blogger has a secret family life? Details on these shocking stories to come, but first our top story.



T. Cas goes to rehab??? Our special correspondent, Nathan Inquisidor has the story.



Nathan: Thanks Maria. Shocking news in the blog world today as T. Cas, who in recent months has been using his real name, Rashan Jamal, is headed to rehab. Only Blogger Entertainment Tonight has the story.

It's been a long time coming, but T. Cas has finally decided to enter rehab. Sources close to the reclusive blogger tell us that Rashan will be entering the Promises Residential Treatment center tomorrow. As you may recall, Promises is the same facility that helped Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears kick their addictions. While our sources were able to confirm that Rashan is en route to the center, they can't tell us exactly why he is seeking rehab.



Speculation is rife amongst the blogger community that T. Cas is addicted to drugs. They point to his sporadic posting and meandering random posts as a sign that he is in trouble. Others believe that T. Cas is seeking treatment for an alcohol problem. While other unnamed sources tell us mental illness is the culprit. We asked addiction specialist Danny Bonaduce for his take.



Danny: How the f*** should I know? I don't even know him.



While Danny Bonaduce refused to comment, we do have an interview with one of T. Cas' closest friends. We have blurred his image to protect his privacy.



Nathan: Why do you think T. Cas is going to rehab?


Mr X: It could be for a number of reasons. I mean, he has an addictive personality for sure. Just last week, I saw him eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting. If that doesn't show that he has a problem, what does?

Nathan: We have heard about his eating disorder, but we were under the impression that he didn't eat enough. Doesn't he only eat once a day?


Mr. X: Yes, but that one meal is big enough to make up for missing breakfast and lunch. I'm just saying, don't get in between him and some chicken wings. Especially if they are teriyaki.


Nathan:

Shocking interview there. It could be drugs, alcohol, or food. No one really knows what led to the decision to go to rehab. But I promise you we will stay on this story until we find out.



Maria: Thanks, Nathan. We may just be a little closer to finding out. Only Blogger ET can bring you the exclusive interview with T. Cas coming up after the break.

(Theme Music plays)


Maria: And we're back. Blog world was thrown for a loop today, when news broke that noted blogger, T. Cas also known as Rashan Jamal would be going to rehab. Our investigative reporter, Fiona Fallacy caught up with T. Cas outside a local strip club. Here is her shocking report:



Fiona: Thanks Maria. Exclusive footage of a stumbling, T. Cas just hours after the rehab story broke. Here is my revealing interview with a broken man.



Fiona: T. Cas! Fiona Fallacy for Blogger ET. By now we have all heard that you are going to rehab.


T. Cas: What?!? Who told you that?


Fiona: Several close sources have informed us that you will be leaving tomorrow for an intensive treatment program. Now that your secrets out, why don't you tell us all about it? Why are you going to rehab?


T. Cas: Ummm... your guess is as good as mine. Rehab is a badge of honor now a days. You have to do it if your famous.


Fiona: Is it alcohol? Is that your problem? You look pretty drunk right now.


T. Cas: Nah, I'm good, I haven't been drunk in a minute. I just had a few beers in there, but I'm not even tipsy.


Fiona: How about drugs? You have tended to ramble on in some of your latest posts.


T. Cas: I mean, I haven't taken drugs this millennium. And even when I did, it was just weed. No hard stuff for me. Family history, ya know?


Fiona: But your eyes are so red?


T. Cas: Yeah, I got what you call sleepy eyes. But no drugs in my system. This craziness is natural

Fiona: So can you tell our viewers why you are going to rehab?

T. Cas: Well if you must know, I'm going to kick my addiction to sarcasm! It's become a real problem.

Fiona: Can you really go to rehab for that?

T. Cas: If Isaiah Washington can go to rehab for being homophobic and Eric Benet can go for sex addiction, then I can go for sarcasm. That is my biggest problem. I've hit rock bottom and there's nowhere to go but up.

Fiona: What prompted this decision? You've been sarcastic for as long as you have been blogging?

T. Cas: Well, I had one of those so called moments of clarity. I realized that nobody likes a smartass and if I'm ever going to fool some unsuspecting hot chick into carrying my baby, then I need to change my ways. Besides, I just dont feel like going to work, and it's covered by my insurance.

Fiona: Back to Maria in the studio

Maria: Shocking Stuff!!! We'll be sure to stay on top this breaking story as T. Cas. Goes to Rehab continues on Blogger Entertainment News.

(It wont really continue and yes, I am aware that I have serious problems. Blame it on the lack of sleep. LOL)