Kids and Cars

I need to have some kids. If I do, then my mom will give me a car. I know that sounds like a terrible reason for procreating, but it's true. In my family, if you have children, you'll get a car. My mom loves her grandchildren, and will do anything for them. But those of us without kids....

It started with my sister. Maybe about 5 years ago, something or other happened to her car. What happens? My mom and her husband gave her one of their cars. A couple of years ago, my brother and his wife needed another car. What happens? They give them one of their cars. One of my mom's husbands daughters is driving their old (well, used, but not old) van. She got kids too. Last week, My mom's husbands ex son in law, who has custody of his kids, gets another one of their extra cars after the funeral. (Not to mention, the 300Z that he was restoring for their 8 year old that's in storage now.) I know it seems like they have cars for days. It seems like that to me too. I just can't get one of them, because I don't have any seeds.

I'd like a free vehicle. Do I have to impregnate somebody in order to get one? I mean shouldn't I be rewarded for not adding to the overpopulation of the world? Just because I didn't borrow somebody's uterus for about 9 and a half months, does that mean that I have to pay for my own car? I mean, I always wanted to be married before I had kids, but for the right car I can have a bastard or two. LOL

Letter To My Children

11/05/08

My Dear Beautiful Children,

I'm writing this letter on November 5th, 2008, years before God blessed me with your birth. Last night, history was made when America elected it's first African-American president. Hopefully by the time you are old enough to read this and fully grasp the monumental importance of this day, you'll think that your old man is overstating and exaggerating. My dream for my children is a world in which distinctions of race are no longer common place in politics and employment. I pray the phrase "the first black" will not be necessary words in your lexicon. Maybe in your lifetime, African Americans will be considered just plain American, like other ethnic groups. I long for the day these barriers are no longer applicable.

I don't know if that day will come, but I have to tell you..America took a major step last night. We elected Barack Obama as our 44th president. An African-American with a funny name like your Daddy, was elevated to the highest office in the land. I never thought that I would see this in my lifetime. It wasn't too long ago that race was a prohibitive factor in our lives. The Civil Rights Movement was just a few years before I was born. I want go into too much detail, because I know your mother and I have instilled these roots deeply in you. Suffice it to say, the pride that I feel today is a direct result of the struggles our people have endured. But the thing that's so beautiful about this election is that it was not and could not have been done without other races. White people, Latinos and other races came together to support this candidate. History will tell you the facts, but what it can't tell you is how it feels. It's difficult to express the emotions that I feel today. Believe me, I tried in vain for hours to find the right words. I can only hope that the raw emotion I feel reverberates in this letter.

As proud as I am of Obama, don't mistake that for naivete. I'm fully aware that racism is alive and well. I know that a significant portion of this country would rather see him dead than as their president. I don't yet know if his administration will be a success. In spite of this, what the Obama victory represents for me and countless others is hope. Hope that people will look at my child and see a person, not solely a black person. Hope that in our country, a little black child can dream big and achieve even bigger. Hope that you will believe me when I tell you that you can do whatever you set your mind to, including become president. And hope that you never let your hope die. If Barack could do it, so can you! I'll see you in a few years.

Love Always,

Rashan Jamal - oops, I mean Daddy.

G.ood Luc.k Chu.ck

NEW POST SCHEDULED FOR 2 PM

Hey ladies! Missing something in your life? Need a little bambino to make your life complete? Or maybe you already have one, but just want another one? Come see Rashan. He can help you out with that. No, he won't be the one to impregnate you. But immediately after you deal with him, you will find yourself knocked up, withchild, in the family way. That next dude you sleep with after you date Rashan will be able to guide his swimmers up your fallopian tubes to fertilize your eggs. In no time, you will have that little bundle of joy you so want.

Okay, enough being silly, but this is some true stuff. I don't know what it's about, but the last 3 ladies I've dealt with have found themselves pregnant with their next partner. It's crazy. Today, I got a text message confirming this phenomenon. She ended her celibacy streak and found herself pregnant. I'm mad happy for her, cuz I know she wanted a kid, but its just strange that this keeps happening. I mean, I want a kid. Somebody wanna get pregnant for me? Wait, don't answer that. I'm not to that point where I'm ready to solicit for random baby mama's yet. I still have a sliver of hope that I'll get a wife first. I should be proud that I'm as old as I am, and don't have any bastard children running around. But for real? I'm like that movie Goo.d Lu.ck C.huck, except instead of bring marriage, I bring babies.

I should find a way to market this talent. I should just hang out at the fertility clinics and hook up with desperate wanna be mothers. It's a win-win situation. I get the carnal pleasure, and they get the kid they want. I could save them lots of money on in vitro and stuff. Maybe I'll take out an ad on Crai.g's Li.st. That has to be worth some money. Yo!! Imagine the number of women I can help trap N.BA players or rappers. Hang out with me for awhile, then go to your baller and next thing you know, you can give birth to a check. 18 years of child support and alimony/palimony. I mean, its just my civic duty to help them out, right?

Before anybody gets upset with me. I'm joking. I wouldn't do anything like that. Contrary to some people's beliefs, I'm not a manwhore. I only use my super powers for good, not evil. I'm like Sp.ider-ma.n, yo! Action is my reward. LOL

Conversation With The Kids

"Uncle, we need your help"

"Okay, Dominique. What's up?"

"We need you to use your credit card for Mommy's gift."

"What are trying to get her?"

We want to get her a trip to Costa Rica."

"??????" (The actual sound was the Scooby Doo confused sound)



Let me explain. Dominique is 10 and her brother Tarik is 11. My sister sometimes talks about trips she wants to take. Costa Rica is one of them. Somehow, these beautiful and talented and intelligent kids got it into their head that they would provide the means for her to take this vacation. I just couldn't crush their dreams so I had to operate delicately and trick them out of this sweet, yet insane idea.



"Have you researched how much that would cost?"

"We found a ticket for $684 (or something like that)"

"Do you have $684?"

"No"

"Then how exactly do you propose to pay for this trip? I'm sure your mommy doesn't want you to spend all your money on her."

"We are gonna email Grandma and Uncle J and you to see if they can help."



Sigh... so industrious. Let me try this from another angle.



"Who is gonna watch you guys while she is gone?"

"You can watch us."

"You know that I would love to do that, but what about school?

"We can take our Spring Break whenever we want, since we are home schooled."

"Yeah, but I have to work, too. I can't have you guys by yourselves all night while I'm at work."

"We can stay with Uncle J or stay with Daddy that week."

"Yeah, maybe."



I see that tactic isn't working either. I'm about out of ideas... Wait here's one.



"You know that if your mom goes out to Costa Rica, she'll have to get a passport. Then it won't be a surprise."



Silence... I think that worked.



Wow, these kids are special... and I mean that in as good a way as possible. I made a suggestion that was more in line with their economic status. They are gonna send my sister to a spa. I told them whatever amount they put in I would match it. I love them doggone kids. Let's just hope they don't have hundreds of dollars in their piggy banks. I told my sister about what they were trying to do, but I didn't tell her what the final gift was. Of course she would rather just have them make her something, but I couldn't convince them to take that route. I'm not sure if she still reads my blog. If so, sorry for ruining your surprise. LOL

I Gotta Get Up Out Of Here!!!

I'm starting to get that feeling. You know that one where you go from happy in your job, to complacent? That's where I am right now. I need to make some moves because this thing is getting ridiculous. I don't understand how some people ask you to take on extra responsibility then get mad when you do it. Feeling underappreciated is not good for me. It always causes me to not give a fuck and do some dumb stuff. The whole purpose of me doing this job was to take a break from being in charge and just collect a paycheck for awhile. Little did I know that regardless of my intentions, I would be right back in the same place, only this time not being compensated for it.

I guess I can tell you now what I alluded to awhile back. I found what I want to do for a career. I deliberately didn't talk about it, because I know how things happen to change plans and I didn't want to have people sending me good luck wishes and then I punk out. I kinda already did, but not altogether. I, Rashan Jamal, would like to change careers and go into the social work field. I did some research on some jobs in that field that I could get with my Bachelors degree but then decided that if I'm gonna do it, I might as well do it right. That's when I decided that I would go back to school and get my Master's degree. That's where the punking out came. I could have started in January but I didn't want to be broke and I refused to put myself back under the thumb of Sallie Mae and them and get more loans. So, I decided to just pay for it straight up and that led me to delay my matriculation til the next semester.

Now, I know. Anything worth doing is worth the sacrifice, but to quote my favorite profane and belligerant rapper, Willie D. from the Geto Boys: "I AINT WIT BEING BROKE!!!" That fear is sometimes a good thing, but other times an excuse. I promise this time it is not an excuse. Events from last year have really made me think about saving money, because you just never know. I never woulda thought I woulda been so broke last year that I would have to... well never mind. It's not important what I had to do, but it is important what I have to do. I gotta get my ish together and try to maintain this or another comparable job for another 6 months at least until I can get into my career of choice.

Some may ask, why I wanna do social work. It's the kids, man. Rashan love the kids. And it seems like every where you look people are mistreating and abusing the kids. I know it will be tough, but I;d like to feel that I could make a difference in the world at least to one person. Don't go wishing me luck, because I didnt really do anything yet. I'll keep you posted over the next 6 months and let you know what's up!

Me and My Shadow

I couldn't let Jameil outdo me. If she's gonna keep posting, then so will I.

Right now as I type this, my nephew is sleep in my arms. I'm watching while my sister takes a well deserved night out. I did go out on Friday, just in case you were wondering.

Little man is like my shadow. Whatever I do, he does. I was brushing my teeth, and he says "I want teet." I was brushing my hair, and he grabbed another brush and started brushing his. I put on my shoes, he put on another pair of my shoes and started walking around. It's so cute.
We play this little game where he hits me and I say "Ouch" in an animated manner. Then he cracks the hell up. I'll probably have to stop that one soon, since he's getting older and I don't want to encourage him to be a bully, but for now if it makes him happy, it makes me happy.

Now, he did one thing that wasn't cute. He grabbed my cheeks and dug in with his fingernails. He scratched me on my pretty, pretty face. I mean, it was so bad that I actually had blood on my face. Wanna see? You can barely see it in the 1st picture, but he tore the skin off my face. Here are Uncle Rashan and his shadow.

Babies, Burgers, Stalkers, Strippers, Dreams

Well, if you read the title, then you know what the post is all about. I wanted to post last Friday, so I could actually go a week straight writing in my blog, but some other stuff came up. Maybe this week, I can do it. Anyway, here is my weekend recap in true Rashan random fashion.

First of all, I'm an uncle again!!! My brother and his wife welcomed their child into the world early Friday morning. A healthy 8 lb 2 oz boy. He is too freakin cute. You know I love the kids right? He didn't open his eyes the whole time I was visiting in the hospital, but I got to hold him. Babies are amazing to me. They went home yesterday and mom and baby are doing fine. Got me thinking about my re-instituting my 90 day rule for knocking up the next woman I can put up with for 3 months. My male biological clock is ticking kinda loud right now.

I had the best burger I have ever had in my life on Saturday. Okay, maybe that's a hyperbole, but the mushroom and bleu cheese joint from Burger Joes in Decatur was ridiculous. I don't usually get excited over food, but I was just sitting there like DAMN!!! It was a good freakin' burger. Not sure why I wrote about this.

This is being my fourth time being an uncle, of course I had to go and celebrate the best way I know how: The strip club. LOL I'm kidding. I mean I did go to the strip club, but it was totally unrelated. I was bored Saturday, so I went to shoot some pool with the maybe-weds. I can't play to save my life, so I just watched and talked some shit about this and that. By 11, they were on their way home and I was not quite ready to call it a night, so I decided to hit up Pin Ups, home of the $5 dance. Here's a rhetorical question for you? Why do strippers insist on talking to me? Do I really have to hear your (often intoxicated) thoughts? Does it really matter if I'm married? Do you really have to tell me that I'm cute? I'm already paying you, save the flattery for the next man. Do I have really have to explain that the reason why I don't want you to dance for me (that horrid blond wig you are wearing)? Do I really look like an undercover cop? Okay, so that was more than one rhetorical question. I had a good time, but it really just reminded me that I'm not getting none in real life. LOL

I've become convinced that the more I'm mean to people, the more they are attracted. I don't know how to get rid of people. Even the whole honesty policy doesn't work. Whoever said that's the best policy never had to deal with a persistent suitor. When honesty didn't work, I decided to just be the biggest jerk in the world, something with which I have had practice. The one word answers, veiled insults and straight ignoring isn't working either. In fact it seems to make her want me more. In her words "you are a tough nut to crack, but I'm gonna do it." WTF? Short of pretending to be gay, I don't know how I'm gonna get rid of this one.

I've been having some really vivid and lucid dreams lately. I don't know what its about, but I actually look forward to sleeping. My R.E.M. stage has me going on some strange adventures. I can't remember them all, but in one of them I was dating Marion Jones after the steroids (except in my dream she was a disgraced swimmer instead of a disgraced track and field star.) In another one, me and Common were freedom fighters against a totalitarian government. We were being chased across the country and kept getting into adventures and free-styling along the way. In yet another, I was running from zombies who turned people into Republicans if they bit you. The zombie boss was Bill O Reilly. Shit is just weird, but I am actually looking forward to going to sleep to see what's next. I need to start writing in my dream blog again.

And that's about it. I hope everyone has a good start to your week. I'll get back with ya tomorrow. One!

You Are NOT The Father

My biggest fear in life, besides midgets and conjoined twins, is to one day have a child and then find out its not really mine. I'd like to think it couldn't happen to me, but I realize that most people cheat, so it's always a possibility. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I was unsure if my child was really mine. The reason I'm writing about this today is a conversation I was having at work yesterday. This woman is pregnant and has no idea who the father is. What's worse, is there are 3 possibilities. I'm all for free love and all but with that comes responsibility. You would think that if there are going to be multiple partners there should at least be some sort of safe sex going on. Call me old fashioned, but I think that cheating should only be done with one person at a time. How dare you cheat on the dude that you are cheating with? It's just not right.

I'm making jokes about it, but it really bothered me when she was talking about it. I don't really know her like that and she was just volunteering all her business to a bunch of strangers. It's like we were on a talk show. I was trying to stay out of the conversation, because I know my smart ass would have said something inappropriate, like "were you trying to win a Guinness World Record for Most Guys did in a 24 hour period?" But then she asked me straight up what I thought about it. I started to be diplomatic, then I thought better of it and kept it real with the woman. I told her that I thought she was being irresponsible and that as soon as the child is born she needs to have a blood test to determine paternity. (I know they have those tests you can get while the child is still in the womb, but I doubt she would pay for one of those.) I feel strongly that she shouldn't allow her boyfriend to get all attached to the child if there is a possibility its not his. Of course, she's not going to do that. Whether the child is his or not, his name will be on the birth certificate because he has no idea about her extra curricular activities.

What happens when they break up? Does she continue to have him claim a kid that may not be his? Do they go on Maury Povich and have paternity tests? I don't know what's the deal with her. Or maybe I'm just not being realistic. Maybe there are too many men out there that don't take care of their children and she feels like she needs to keep the one that will, even if its not his child. And to confess to infidelity would probably ruin their relationship, although its probably already ruined if she needs to sleep with two other dudes. I don't have the answers. What do you think? You ever known someone in that situation? What advice did you or would you give them? I know I'm looking at it from a man's perspective and I know I would be devastated if it happened to me. I'm interested to know what everyone else thinks.

If You're Looking For Me Baby You Can Find Me

Damn, did I just quote "Ay Bay Bay?" That ain't right, but let's move on. "Operation: Get Yo Ass Outta the House, Rashan!" continues. I got another packed weekend coming up. That's two in a row. That surely has to be a sign of the apocalypse. Rashan going out two weeks in a row?

But it's true. If you're looking for me Friday you can find me running the streets. I gotta get up and get a haircut. It's been a couple of weeks and my hair is doing some crazy fuzzy sticking up thing. Gotta get that tight. After that, I'm gonna hit the mall for a minute before those young punks get outta school, provided I wake my ass up. Might take my niece with me, since she has been wanting to go to the mall for a couple weeks. I'll let her pick something out for her birthday next week.

Later that night, you can find me at Atlantic Station with PHD and the maybe-weds. (They would kill me if they knew I called them that. I'll be sure to tell them about it when I see them. LOL) It's PHD's birthday weekend so we are gonna take her out to Strip (which despite the name and my penchant for nudie bars has nothing to do with naked dancers) and maybe chill here after dinner. PHD made me plan the night, even though I don't really know too much about what she likes yet. I think she's testing me to see if I got good taste. It should be cool, I haven't been to Atlantic Station in a while, and there's always something interesting to crack jokes about out there. I would take pictures, but my brother has my camera. If you are in the area stop by and say what's up. (Don't really do that cuz I will act like I don't know you.)

Let's see... Saturday, I have not one but two baby showers to go to, as if I needed another reminder that everybody has kids but me. I'm probably only gonna make it to one. My brother and his wife are expecting soon, so if you're looking for me, you can find me way out in the sticks of Newnan, Ga bright and early for that one. One of my ex co-workers is also having a baby shower, but I more than likely won't be able to make that one, plus I didn't get a gift yet, so I'll hit them up later. I imagine alot of my former team will be there and I don't want it to seem like I'm ducking them, but er umm, I'm ducking them. I can only take them in small doses, like no more than 2 ex co workers at a time.

Saturday night, I'm gonna try to find a way to infringe on PHD's second birthday celebration with her girls, without seeming stalkery and desperate. But if not, I have an invitation to go hang out with some Africans at a house party in Smyrna. I'm hesitant to go to that one because I think the girl that invited me is scheming on me, and I'm not feeling her like that. Plus I don't like being places where I don't speak the language. I'd be all paranoid that they were plotting to merk a nigga or steal my identity or something. If you looking for me Saturday night, I don't know where I'll be, but I'll be around.

Operation: GYAOTH, R! is going well. I should be able to keep it up, unless I break down and buy Madden '08, in which case, its a wrap. I'll be stuck to the PlayStation night and day, only leaving to go to work, and get some late night Krystals. Hell, I might not even go to work. I already got my bonus for the month. I can take a few days off to play a season of Madden with Mike Vick and the Falcons, since his punk ass won't be playing for the real team. If I sound bitter about that, it's because I am. Anyway, it's late, I'm rambling and I got shit to do tomorrow, so I'm gonna try to force myself to get some sleep. I hope you all have a good weekend.

Audi 5000!!! (I'm bringing the old slang back, whether you like or not!)

My Week In Review

Thank God It's Friday!!! I don't have to work and I don't have any obligations. I can just relax and do whatever the hell I wanna do this weekend. If I wanna go out, I can go out. If I wanna just chill, and let's be honest, thats probably what I will be doing, I can chill and do nothing. I have to work on Sunday but then I have the rest of the week off for vacation. Because I am trying to get back into regular blogging, I think I have to write something today. So, I guess I will give you my week in review.

The highlight of my week was on Wednesday. It was Uncle Rashan Day!!! My nephew and neice decided to make my week. They cooked me dinner, decorated the living room and even washed and dried my clothes. I don't know what I did to deserve such incredible kids in my life, but I am really happy to have them. Then again perhaps they were just telling me that I'm a dirty slob who needs to stop eating fast food all the time. LOL

I came to the stark realization this week that I'm not very good at my job. I used to think that everything would eventually fall in to place, but now I think its not going to happen. It's not so much that I can't do the job, its that I don't want to. Or more accurately, I don't want to do the job the way they want me to do it. Time to dust off and update the old resume.

This week's song that makes me wish I had a woman is "Bed" by J. Holiday. I think that's what his name is. I hear it just about every night on the Quiet Storm on my way home from work. I'm probably late, but I've never heard of him before this week, but the song is bangin. It sounds like some stuff I would have put on my slow tapes back in the day. I'll have to check to see if he has any other good songs.

Sports is over for me until August when football starts again. The NBA Finals just frustrated the hell out of me. I can't stand San Antonio and now I have to hear about this next time I hang out with E. After the Spurs won game two, I just knew the sweep was on. I need someone to remind Lebron James that he is 6 10 and strong. WTF is up with all the fadeaway jumpshots? Take it to the hole, man!

Went to the grocery story tonight and bought a bunch of food. I was starving when I went in, but when I got home, I had too many choices, so I didn't eat. I know, it makes no sense, but thats the way Rashan's brain works. My indecisiveness is a problem.

Heard about two upcoming concerts that I will probably not be going to. Raheem Devaughn is coming on the 23rd, I think? And Little Brother is coming on the 27th for the free. I saw them last year and it was great, but I have to work that night.

Watched some more movies this week. "Death of A President" was excellent. If you haven't heard about it, its about the fictional murder of President Bush in October 2007. I also watched one of the weirdest movies I have ever seen in my life called "Ichi The Killer". It's a Japanese movie about this dude name Ichi. And he's a killer. LOL. It was like part gangster flick, part horror movie and all demented. Plus it was in Japanese, so that just increased the weirdness quotient. I don't know what to think about it yet. It was very stylish, but it was kind of sick with lots of strange killing and torture scenes. And tonight, I'm about halfway through "Superman Returns" and so far so good.

Here are some of my aborted blog topics of the week: "R. Kelly's Funniest Lyrics", (No# 1 was I Like That Crotch On You repeat 3x), "Excuses for Not Going Out" ( I was going to write about some of the real and imaginary excuses I give people) and "My Voicemail" (where I wrote about some of the strange messages I have on my phone like the one that said "too bad you didnt answer, I was going to give you some" when she knew full well I was at work. LOL) I ultimately decided against posting these, mainly because I was lazy, but also because I think I use the list format too much. I feel like a blog David Letterman.

Had an interesting conversation with a female friend about what goes on in a strip club. She was surprised that there are a lot of women who go to the strip club and was utterly embarrased by the fact that the dancers are fully nude. I thought that was common knowledge but apparently not.

And that's about it. I lead such an exciting life, don't I? Maybe I'll fall into something this weekend and have some gregarious tales of urban adventure to share next week. But don't be surprised if I just stay home and watch movies. Have a great weekend, errbody!