A Letter to the Crazy Lady(ies)

7/6/2009

Dear Crazy Lady(ies),

Please don’t murder-suicide me. I know in the past I’ve taken your craziness lightly. I thought if anything, you would hurt yourself, but you wouldn’t do anything to me. When people told me to look out for your crazy behavior, I dismissed it like I was invincible. But believe, I get the point. You can, and will kill a brother if you feel like it. I don’t want to end up like Steve McNair. I don’t want to end up like Phil Hartman (yes, I took back like 10 years.) To put it simply, I just don’t want to die.

So, let’s do this. And this is hard for me to do. Let me apologize. I’d like to apologize for not answering the phone when you call. I’d like to apologize for not liking you like that. I’d like to apologize for NOT telling you that I love you when I don’t. I’d like to apologize for calling you a stalker to your face. I’d like to apologize for just being mean. I didn’t mean it. In retrospect, I should have done a better job of keeping you on your rocker. I should have realized that it’s my responsibility to make you un-crazy. It’s not your fault. You can’t help it that I put homicidal thoughts in your head by ignoring you. It’s all me.. My bad, crazy ladies…

In conclusion, crazy lady(ies), I don’t want to die. Please do not murder-suicide me. That won’t accomplish anything. We are not going to meet in the next lifetime. And if we do, I’m going to be pissed that you murder-suicided me. Call me stubborn, but that will have a negative effect on our fake relationship. If you just must do something drastic, can we switch this thing around and do a suicide-murder? You go first, and I’ll meet you there after a long long life with my wife and kids.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal

P.S. – I really don’t want to die. Put those murder-suicide thoughts out of your head please.

The Reason It Took So Long For Me To Join Facebook

Help me out with something. I need your input about something. Read the following facebook message and tell me how I should respond.

I can't believe how you have changed

May 6 at 10:59am

You have changed drastically. When you first contacted me you seemed to be enthusiastic about it. Now I ask you to call and you won't even pick up the phone. I am confused. I thought we were going to reunite and have a tight friendship again. I guess some things and some people really do change.
Please call
904-XXX XXXX

This Girl I Went To College With And Haven't Seen Since 1997

Response #1.

I'm sorry that I haven't responded immediately to your request. I thought that since I haven't seen you since college graduation, and have talked to you once in 12 years, that there was no sense of urgency. Obviously, I was mistaken. I'll be sure to contact you as soon as I wake up. Perhaps we can stay on the phone all day too. Or maybe I'll just take off of work and come to ____ and visit you. Also, thanks for reminding me that I contacted you. I was under the mistaken impression that you were the one that was looking for me for 12 years, and you were the one that found me on facebook, and that you were the one that called me 7 times in 2 days.

Response #2

Ummm... did you just send me a message about how horrible I am, and then tell me to call you? Why exactly would you want to talk to me? Why exactly would I want to talk to you if you think I'm such a cad?

Response # 3

Yeah, I changed. I hope you changed too. If you are the same person you were 12 years ago, then I think something is wrong.

Response # 4

Just so you aren't confused anymore, repeat after me: Rashan (Rashan) does NOT (does NOT) call people (call people.) If he did (If he did), you can stop repeating after me now... If he did, he would not call you. He has not talked to you in years, you and he have not been friends in years. One conversation of catching up is one conversation of catching up. It's not an invitation to be a part of Rashan's life. Facebook friends doesn't mean real life friends...

Response #5

LEAVE ME ALONE, YOU CRAZY ARIES WOMAN!!! SERIOUSLY, ARE ALL ARIES OUT OF THEIR MINDS!!!!! AND DO YOU ALL HAVE TO KNOW ME???

Response #6 (the one I'm most likely to do)

*CRICKETS*
*SILENCE*
*NO RESPONSE*

Delete message, delete as facebook friend, don't ever speak to again.

Response # 7 - A Picture is worth a thousands rejections




What do you think? Which one response should I give? Or go ahead and make one up in the comments.

Segregation

I'm here to tell you that segregation is alive and well. At least it is at my job. I guess it always has been, but I took break at a different time yesterday, with people I don't know, and realized how much birds of a feather truly flocked together. And its not just race, although that is a big factor as well. Here are some of the cliques I noticed...

The Black Group - You'll conversations about For The Love of Ray J, Beyonce and 'em.

The White Group - Usually talking in hushed tones about Obama or Bill O'Reilly. They are out numbered, so they usually huddle together when the topic is controversial.

The Asians - Talking about computers or something.

The Latinos- Don't really know what they are talking about because they alternate between English and Spanish.

Samoans - Do the Humpty Hump.. Do the Humpty Hump... (Just kidding, their aren't any Samoans, but do you remember in that song when randomly bust out with Samoans? Ridiculous..)

Then it breaks down even further....

The Black Hot Girls - These are the ones wearing the tight jeans and heels in the summer, or the tight jeans and furry boots in the winter. They always got their hair done and are talking on the phone or to each other about going out to some club where a celebrity is gonna be.

The Dominican Hot Girls - Always seem angry. Always for some reason sound like they are from New York. Can be heard cursing some one out in English and Spanish loudly. Quick to call the person they are talking to on the phone "stoooopid."

The Black Gay Guys - They sound like a walking stereotype. Many "giirrrrls" and lispy talking about American Idol.

The Black Straight Guys - Sports, Women, Music all day, every day.

The Seth Rogan White Guys - They look like the guy from Knocked Up with the scruffy beard, slacker look. Talking about electronics and World of Warcraft. They are sarcastically funny and never cease to crack me up with their strange sense of humor.

The Mom Jeans group -Talk about their mini vans, or home improvement shows or something that their kid did at school.

The Real Lesbians - look like a guy, talk like a guy, dress like a guy. talk about girls booties.

The Fake Lesbians - look like a girl, talk like a girl, dress like a girl. like girls (most of the time).

The Big Girls - for some reason they all hang out together.

The Storytellers - doesn't matter what race they are, they all hang out together. In the course of 15 minutes you can hear them competing to see who has the most outrageous story. I don't think they even listen to each other, just waiting for a lull to start talking.

The Black White Girls - always talking about how fly Rashan is. How can they get Rashan? Why wont Rashan talk to me? LOL

The Rashan - always by himself. Either on the phone or got the iPod playing. People from all groups talk to him, especially when he doesn't want to hear what they have to say allowing him to notice and document the many different segregated groups at work. Wants to be segregated, but they wont let him. LOL


Is your workplace segregated? What are some of the groups you see at your job?

Kids and Cars

I need to have some kids. If I do, then my mom will give me a car. I know that sounds like a terrible reason for procreating, but it's true. In my family, if you have children, you'll get a car. My mom loves her grandchildren, and will do anything for them. But those of us without kids....

It started with my sister. Maybe about 5 years ago, something or other happened to her car. What happens? My mom and her husband gave her one of their cars. A couple of years ago, my brother and his wife needed another car. What happens? They give them one of their cars. One of my mom's husbands daughters is driving their old (well, used, but not old) van. She got kids too. Last week, My mom's husbands ex son in law, who has custody of his kids, gets another one of their extra cars after the funeral. (Not to mention, the 300Z that he was restoring for their 8 year old that's in storage now.) I know it seems like they have cars for days. It seems like that to me too. I just can't get one of them, because I don't have any seeds.

I'd like a free vehicle. Do I have to impregnate somebody in order to get one? I mean shouldn't I be rewarded for not adding to the overpopulation of the world? Just because I didn't borrow somebody's uterus for about 9 and a half months, does that mean that I have to pay for my own car? I mean, I always wanted to be married before I had kids, but for the right car I can have a bastard or two. LOL

Operation: Outdo My Mom*

Yo, my moms is 60 years old. She got all kind of stuff I don't have. She got a blackberry. She got a Wii. She got GPS. She got kids. She got just about every modern thing that you can think of. But one thing I will NOT let her have is more Facebook friends than me.

Right now, it's close. I only got her by 5. Now, I could do the thing where I just ask anybody to be my friend, but I'm not gonna do that. Or I could look up old girlfriends and people that I went to school with, but I'm not gonna do that either. My anti social tendencies, however, are making me dangerously close to losing to my mom on the facebook joint. My nephew already has way more friends than me, but I can take that. He's from the internet generation. But my mom? For real? (Can I just tell you how much I was trippin when she sent me a friend invite? I was like, great, guess I have to watch what I say now. Good thing she don't know about my blog. LOL.) I admit, I only joined the book so I could look at people's pictures and make snarky comments about them, but now I kinda like it. But what's important right now, is that I have more Facebook friends than my mother....

So, if any of you bloggers are on the book and are looking to boost your numbers, look me up visionz74@yahoo.com. Or just search Rashan Jamal and I'll be the first choice to pop up. You'll see my picture. I promise *fingers crossed* not to make snarky comments about your pictures. Also, don't be alarmed if I don't respond right away. I may not recognize you and will have to make sure you ain't one of my old stalkers trying to rekindle a friendship that existed only in their minds. LOL

Come on, help me outdo my mother... Please?!?!?*

*this post is intended to be tongue in cheek, but in all actuality, I do wanna have more friends than my mother. LOL*

Ballin'

Recession? What recession? I'm ballin', son!!! I just got a promotion at work!!! My hard work (he he he) has paid off. They finally recognized that I am the man and decided to compensate me for it. It was unexpected because I thought that all raises were frozen. But there was no way that they could deny that I am worth every last penny they could throw my way. I'm indispensable, yo! A new job title, a bump up in job grade, more responsibilities. The world is my oyster! I'm just so happy!!! Guess how much my salary increased? Nah, I shouldn't tell you. It's indelicate to talk about money in times like these when people are losing jobs right and left. Especially when you are talking about the type of money I just got. It'll just seem like bragging. Wait. You are my blog family. You wanna share in my joy, don't you? Maybe just this once I'll make an exception. I can't contain my excitement. I got a whopping raise of...


$648. Meet me at the bar. Drinks on me!!! I hope this raise doesn't move me to a higher tax bracket. LOL. Any suggestions on what I should get with my new found wealth?

Hire Me?

Amidst all the talk about my company being "in a position of strength" and "poised for the future" comes the reality that we are just like everybody else. People will be getting laid off, bonuses are being cut, belts are being tightened. I can see the writing on the wall. I'm not saying I'm gonna be without a job, but I need to prepare for the possibility. Okay, I know that sounds depressing on Christmas Eve, but we had a meeting yesterday that pretty much sealed what I already knew. Times are tough. It's a recession, and I need to find a new job. I've been looking, but there really aren't too many jobs out there. Especially, ones that fit my unique skill set. Instead of sulking or stressig myself out, I'll deal with this the same way I deal with just about everything. By mocking it...

The following is a tongue in cheek list of my qualifications just in case any of you wanna hire me:

I can belittle people with my above average intelligence: I may not be able to do the job the way you want me to do it, but I'll come up with a better way to do it, all the while making my peers and superiors feel stupid. At every job I've had, I've always been the go to person, even when managers and/or people that have worked at the company for 10 years are around. It gives me a dual reputation of an uppity negro and savior. Every company needs that dude you love to hate. You need that in your company? Then, hire me.

I can effectively manage all my sick and vacation time: You know those people that have 10 days of vacation left at the end of the year, or never use any of their alloted sick days? That's not me. I can guarantee you that I will schedule all my vacation in advance and that I will not work the week of Thanksgiving. You don't have to worry about scrambling trying to find days to give me off at the end of the year. Also, that pesky sick time? You wont have to worry about paying me for that (if your company does that.) I'll use it effectively throughout the year. I won't be sick, but I'll use those days anyway.

I can figure out ways to beat the system: You know how some people have problems adapting to changes? That's not me. If you change our goals, then I'll figure out a way to manipulate said goal for my benefit. Things that most people complain about, well let's just say, instead of complaining, I'm figuring out a loophole. Ask my last job. They've changed our goals 7 times in 12 months. But I've always managed to find a way to avoid the pitfalls that other employees fall in. I'm still standing!

You don't have to feed me: Office parties, potlucks, bringing donuts to the office. That can get expensive. Well, let me tell you that I won't be participating in those. That's one less greedy person that you have to spend money on. That can add up. I'm helping your company's bottom line.

Overtime? Are you serious: Yeah, I won't be doing overtime. You don't have to pay me no time and a half. I'm all about 8 hours and going home. I've had jobs previously where I worked 12 hours a day, and I'm not down for that anymore. So, yeah, don't have to worry about me taking all your loot.

I can attract work stalkers like nobody's business: You may wonder how this is a good thing. Well, you can guarantee that these work stalkers will be at work early and every day to see me. It doesn't matter if I don't pay them any attention, they'll be there. That has to be good for your productivity!

I won't ever leave: When I get a job, I'm way too lazy to find another one. I've worked a place for 5 years, one for 6 years, 2 for 2 years. I'm what you may call loyal. You don't have to worry about me running to the competition. I'm a be there until you kick me out.

Okay, that's enough being silly. Merry Christmas Eve! I'll be posting tomorrow on Christmas: 13 Things I Love About Jameil... a kind of follow up to last weeks Thursday Thirteen. If you are around, check it out. If not, Merry Christmas, and I hope you get all the presents you wanted. ONE!

Open Letter To President-Elect Obama

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm back now. I'm blog inspired again. I think this is a good one, which means that everybody else will think it sucks and I'll get like 3 comments. LOL

Dear Mr. Obama,

I don’t usually do this. I’m not the type that asks for help from his government, but in light of recent events, I feel compelled to intervene on behalf of those that do not have a voice. We’ve all seen what the government has done with recent bailout of the financial sector, most notably AIG (who I used to work for.) We’ve heard the requests of the Big Three automakers for federal assistance. I know that you are probably reticent to provide additional bailouts with the criticism levied your way about being a Socialist, but this group needs help. And if the government doesn’t do it, I don’t know who will.

Let me give you a little background. I’ve been noticing that the declining economy has been affecting this industry for awhile. Parking lots that once were full languish half empty. People that once would spend their hard earned paycheck in these establishments, now only indulge on special occasions. There just has not been as much disposable income to stimulate the economy in these tough times. But Thursday really drove the point home. As much as one hears about Black Friday, there’s another big day that drives spending… at least in Atlanta. It is affectionately known as Booty Shaking Thursday!

Booty Shaking Thursday is the fourth Thursday in November. It’s a tradition that after all the football, after all the food and after all the family time, men (and lesbians) from all over the city descend on their favorite strip club to give thanks for what God has given…to the strippers (or if you would prefer me to be more politically correct, we can call them dancers.) What’s more American than leaving your family and indulging in hedonistic behavior? Well, this Thursday I saw the unthinkable: There were virtually no patrons at the club as I drove by. Quelle Horror! It’s often been posited that stripping was a recession proof occupation. People will always pay to see women in various states of undress. Well, I’m here to tell you, Mr. President-Elect. The old ways of thinking are wrong. We need fresh ideas in order to stimulate our economy. We need our government to bail out some strippers (and not in the normal way of bailing out because she got a little too “friendly” with an undercover or her cocaine fell out of her boot.)

The ramifications of BST are far reaching. Imagine if there were no strip clubs. It wouldn’t just affect the owners and employees. It would damage our economy. Sales of Coronas and Patron would plummet. Who would buy those clear heeled shoes? The local beauty shop’s business would dry up because no strippers = no lace front weaves and no hideous blonde wigs. Glitter would be used only by kindergartners with school projects. What about that guy in the bathroom that hands you a paper towel after you wash your hands? He would have to get his crack by robbing people instead of the tips of drunken patrons. What about babysitters? If these dancers don’t have to work until 4 in the morning, then they can take care of their own kids. And the big meaty looking bodyguards and bouncers? The NFL ain’t hiring them, so where will they work? They can’t fit in a cubicle! Where else can you find a pack of Blacks for $7, everywhere else they are 3 dollars! That’s $4 dollars a pack stimulating our economy. Think about the economy, Mr President-Elect.

While some people may oppose this plan, I urge you to look at it objectively. It wont cost nearly as much as bailing out GM, and unlike American cars, people actually like strippers. Can you imagine a world where there are more dancers than customers? I, for one, don’t want to live in a world like that. I know you are anti-lobbyist, but if it would help, I can send Persuasion, Peaches and Chocolate Tiger to Washington to plead our case. And don’t worry, I won’t tell Michelle.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal

The Best Blog Post...EVER!!!

Not really, but have you noticed that everything is the best thing ever? Or how every little occurrence is historic? Or how people make up meaningless records when writing about insignificant things. I hate that. Hyperbole gets on my nerves. As a former English major, I understand the purpose of it, but the overuse of exaggeration is so annoying. In fact it's the most annoying thing EVER!!! (see what I did there? That's hyperbole!) It's my own fault for having Yahoo!! as my homepage. Their so called news headlines are nothing but sensationalism. I just happen to like their search engine better than Google. (Since Google owns Blogger, do you think they will try to edit this post? LOL) But their news and entertainment, even their sports headlines reek of misleading, overblown headlines. I mean, really do I really care if the NFL has never had an 11-10 game? No, but even if I did, it's a stretch to call it historic. I'm sure there's never been a game that ended 300 - 2 either. Now, that would be historic. And to say that the latest James Bond movie had a record breaking box office performance... for Bond films: that is not a real record. There is no entry in the Guiness Book of Records for this category. If there was, then I'm sure that Breakin 2 would hold the record for best box office for a movie featuring a bunch of ghey looking dudes spinning on their heads while pretending to be hip hop. (See what I did there? I made up a fake record! LOL) And to say that Samuel Jackson is the biggest box office draw... EVER is patently ridiculous. Dude was barely in Star Wars. And he is in every other movie ever made. (See, more hyperbole!) How you gonna count that for his total? Stop exaggerating. When is the last time you went to see a movie because Samuel L was in it? Deep Blue Sea? Unbreakable? (Yes, I know you are gonna say Soul Man, but for the purposes of this joke, just forget about that one. LOL)

So, in conclusion... STOP WITH THE HYPERBOLE! It's not the best week ever! It's not the most historic non event ever! Those are not real statistics and records! You are getting on my nerves with all that and that's no exaggeration. You know what? If you can't beat em, join them. I'm gonna start making stuff up too. Here goes nothing...

This is the first time in my blog that I've linked to Wiki Answers! That's historic.

This post marks the 511th consecutive blog post that I've used the word "the." That's a record for bloggers named Rashan that live in the Atlanta Metro area and have a birthdate of 11/25/1974! (don't really click. I just linked right back to myself - LOL)

Ellipses are the best... form... of... punctuation...ever!

THIS IS THE BEST BLOG POST...EVER!!!

Thursday Thirteen: 13 Areas In Which Blacks and Whites Can Find Common Ground

Its been well documented (by comedians) that black people and white people are different. While on the surface, this is true, there are certain areas in which we can find common ground. Here are thirteen of those. *disclaimer* - These are in no way meant to apply to all black people and all white people. I am fully aware that people have many divergent opinions*

1. Keeping up with the Joneses - Both whites and blacks have a problem with this one. Whether its buying a house that you can't afford, or driving the newest, biggest, gas guzzlingest SUV, both groups often spend beyond their means. You don't believe me? What do you think this Fed bailout is about? People make unwise financial decisions is not exclusive to one race.

2. Smoking - You might hate white people but if you go to smoke and you don't have a lighter, you gonna ask the redneck with the confederate flag on his hat for some fire. Or you may be scared of the big imposing black man, but you'll get over that fear if it means a nicotine fix.

3. Throwbacks/Vintage - Black people call it throwbacks. White people call it vintage. But either way, its an old style and both of us like to bring back the retro vibe. Everything goes in cycles.

4. Baby Got Back - This song speaks to both black and white people. Throw it on at a function and you'll see the dance floor become integrated like Congress just passed a resolution.

5. Scantily clad women - This is one is for men, mostly. We give each other that look when one of them passes by. Race doesn't matter when it comes to perving out.

6. Drinking - You want to improve race relations in this country? Get a bottle and some shot glasses. People don't discriminate when they are drunk. White people love to buy Negros drinks and we love to accept them. LOL

7. Oprah - Just look at her audience. It's like MLK's dream up in there. Whether or not they maintain that when her show is over is irrelevant. Oprah is the poster child for inclusiveness.

8. Reality TV - We do watch different kinds of shows. They like The Bachelor and we (not me) like Flavor of Love, but the premise is pretty much the same. And I think American Idol is pretty much watched by all.

9. Weed - See drinking above. People can get high with anyone. And they like to compete to see who has the best stuff.

10. Mexicans - Or should I say not liking Mexicans. Some people think that black people can't be racist. Yeah, right!!! You should hear how some of us talk about Mexicans. It's eerily similar to the Jim Crow vibe from back in the day. Neither black people or white people want to live around them. And we both want them to speak English!

11. Sporting Events - For 3 hours on Sundays, there is no black or white. Just (insert team colors here.) We will hoot and holler and cheer with complete strangers of another race like we've been best friends for years. Just watch out in the parking lot. Old rules apply as soon as you leave the stadium.

12. The Wire - I have never seen a so called "black" show, that so many white people love. The show simultaneously appealed to both races by showing complex characters, not just racial stereotypes and the writing was top notch.

13. Barack Obama - November 4th proved this one. LOL

YES, WE CAN!!!

Can We Get On Your Nerves… Yes, We Can!!!

Being the jerk that I am, I’ve taken to subtly annoying those around me that did not join the Obama movement; Those that thought “No we can’t”. Yeah, you guys were wrong. For the first time in 8 years, its my turn to gloat. Certainly, we can’t be so jerky as to rub the victory in the non believer’s faces.. Wait… YES, WE CAN!!! It’s fun and the best part about it is that, I just work it into regular conversation so they know I’m being sarcastic, but they can’t prove it. Here’s some examples:

Someone at works asks me about a company policy. She say we cant do such and such… YES, WE CAN!!!

Talking to a client manager who asks me if I can do such and such… YES, WE CAN!!! (okay, I don’t know if he was on the team or not, but he was a Red Stater – LOL)

The unit manager that asks "Can we all commit to coming to work on time?" YES, WE CAN!!!! (except for today, I needed a haircut. LOL)

See, it’s fun. You all should try it out when you get a chance. The looks on their faces or the pauses in their voices are priceless. You wont have long to gloat, might as well get it out before the Inauguration!!! Let me know how that works out for you.

The All Black Cabinet

I'm getting pretty tired of all the political talk on blogs lately. It has more to do with the fact that I already know who I'm voting for and just wish the election would hurry up. I don't really need to read anybody else's opinion on the matter. Besides pretty much everyone I read thinks the same as I do. Obama is the man, McCain is not the man, and Palin is an idiot. I don't really need to read that same post every day. Never the less, I know its important to people, so I'll just deal with it for the next 3 weeks.

That being said, today's post is about politics. LOL.

Don't worry, this ain't one of those serious posts that decry Republican attacks, or talk about how good Barack is. This is some of that good old fashioned sarcasm that you've come to expect from Rashan.

White people are funny to me. I don't if they actually believe half of the negative things they say or not, but it's ridiculous to me when they talk about how Barack is possibly anti-white, possibly Muslim (like being Muslim is a crime) or anti American. They act like he is some big time militant hell bent on destroying America. Whether you agree or not with the man's politics, it's seems pretty clear that voting for him is NOT going to bring about some revolution. But that got me to thinking... Do these people actually think that Obama will go out of his way to appoint unqualified people to his cabinet in an attempt to bring down the country just because they are Black? Which led me to come up with some totally fake cabinet appointments that made me laugh. And yes, I often laugh at my own jokes even if other people think they aren't funny. LOL

Secretary of State - Louis Farrakhan - He'll be in charge of changing America into a Black state. Plus he got something going for him if he's still alive with all the stuff he's said over the years.

Secretary of the Treasury -50 Cent. Who got more money than this guy?

Secretary of Defense - TI - You know he knows where to find the guns.

Attorney General - OJ Simpson - Don't nobody know more about the court system than this guy.

Secretary of the Interior - Little Richard. Mainly because I have no idea what this department does, but it sounds like interior design, which I think Little Richard would have a knack for.

Secretary of Agriculture - Freeway Ricky Ross. No, not the rapper, but the drug kingpin. You know this dude knows how to plan a crop and sell it.

Secretary of Commerce - George Foreman. If he can get rich of some cheap ass grills, then he definitely can get our trade going.

Secretary of Labor - Robert Johnson formerly of BET. If he can keep horrible Black comedians and horrible Black musicians working for all these years, he may just be the answer to unemployment.

Secretary of Health and Human Services - Dr Dre. Come on, he's a doctor for Pete's sake!

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Tiger Woods - I know what you are saying. Tiger ain't Black. LOL But follow me on this one. He got so much money and so many houses, that he could easily turn some of them into projects or subdivisions or little townships, villages or incorporated cities.

Secretary of Transportation - The dude that came up with the Expedition. Cuz niggas love big trucks. LOL

Secretary of Energy - Flavor Flav - you need energy, you call a hypeman.

Secretary of Education - KRS ONE - Who better to lead the way on education than The Teacher? Even if he sounds ridiculous and would be better served to just rap than to try to inform us.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs -Barry Bonds. Just cause white people hate him. A 20 year veteran who couldn't find a job last year. I'm sure he'll fix that when he gets this job.

Director of National Drug Control Policy - Marion Barry. Need I say more?

I know, I'm crazy. You got any to add?

One Man Poll*

Breaking Poll Results…. 100% of members of Rashan Jamal’s household are tired of polls.

Further Polling reveals the wide gap between those that want more polls and those that wish they would just stop. 98% of participants say that polling is unreliable while 2% remain undecided.

Another Gallup Poll of 1 registered voter in Dekalb County, Georgia presents some shocking results. 97% of those surveyed say that polls can be manipulated to suit any point of view. One poll participant added, “depending on what newspaper or tv station you watch, either Obama’s gonna win or McCain is gonna win. Guess what? I did not know that. Thanks for explaining 50/50 to me.”

Pollsters continued to survey voters in an effort to paint the true picture of how people feel about polls. A recent
CNN/USA TODAY poll reveals that some voters (99%) believe that polls should only be conducted by people you’ve heard of. This serves as a bad sign for the Beauxdreaux Aloyishus Polling Academy which has been training annoying people to poll since 2006.

And in a surprising turn of events, a whopping 99.9% of sarcastic bloggers that have nothing else to write about reveal the truth about polling. The numbers mean nothing in most cases. They only serve as false security for dummies or false hope for the deluded. The campaign is never over based on what 750 people or some other ridiculously small cross section of society that answers unknown phone numbers think. Also, people lie. They’ll say one thing but vote another. Bradley Effect anyone? (I should really link that.) Or how about the 2000 election when people went to bed thinking Gore won and woke up finding out that nobody won. Then finding out that Bush’s brother stole Florida for him… Wait, that’s not what I was talking about. The point is anyone can do a poll and get any answer they want. I’m just tired of it.

*all polls have a margin of error of +/- 4%.

The People's Court

This message is for "Frustrated Blog Reader" (frustratedblogreader@lycos.com) ... or whatever your real name is. This post is for you. You inspired it. You feel better now that you've sent that email and gotten all that off your chest? You feel better now that you took the time to try to tell me what's wrong with my blog? You think that by sending me an anonymous email, you are going to make me do what you want me to do? Let's get one thing straight: I'm Rashan!!! I write what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't do what you want me to... Except this once. This post is for you. Hope you don't embarrass easily, but if so, you kinda brought it on yourself. I hope in reading this post you see how utterly ridiculous you are. And no, I don't care if you EVER come back to read my blog after this. Prepare to get ethered!!! But take pride in the fact that you have just inspired another moment of lunacy from Rashan Jamal.

EDIT: EMAIL TEXT ADDED AT BOTTOM OF POST

The People's Court

"Everybody's talking about the honorable Marilyn Milian, the hottest judge on television. Real cases, real litigants. Here, in our forum: The People's Court."

Introducing the plaintiff: Anonymous Lurker… 30 years old from Washington, D.C. She claims that the defendant led her on with promises of great and consistent blogging, but hasn’t delivered. She’s suing the defendant for damages and 5 blog posts a week.

Introducing the defendant: Rashan Jamal…33 years old from Atlanta , Georgia . He claims that he can blog whenever he feels like it. There was no contract with the plaintiff and that she should get a life. He’s counter suing her for being a punk and sending him unsolicited emails.

Judge Marilyn Mirian: Welcome to the People’s Court. Today’s case is set in the wonderful world of blogging. Let’s start with the plaintiff… Ms. Lurker, please state your case.

Rashan: Objection, Your Honor!

Judge Marilyn: The plaintiff hasn’t even said anything yet. What could you possibly be objecting to?

Rashan: Why she get to go first? What’s up with that? Besides, I don’t even know this chick. How she gonna be anonymous like that?

Judge: She goes first because I said so. And I’ll thank you to stay quiet until its your turn.

Rashan: My bad, Judge Judy. Go head, Lurker!

Ms. Lurker: Well, Your Honor. I’m suing Rashan because he be frontin’. He get me all excited for a blog post, then I click on his page and he ain’t even update.

Rashan: That’s a lie, your honor.

Judge: Mr. Jamal. You need to be quiet until it’s your turn.

Rashan: But I’m saying, Judge Mablean.. that ain’t even the real. I posted like 4 times last week.

Judge: Do I need to get the bailiff to restrain you? Continue, Ms. Lurker.

Ms. Lurker: As I was saying… I don’t appreciate his lack of posting. He don’t even respond to his comments no mo’. Its unconscionable.

Judge: So are you saying that Mr. Jamal has been derelict in his duties?

Ms. Lurker: You got it, your honor! He been slacking on his blogging. I don’t know what is wrong with him but he owes me. He owes me blog posts. How am I supposed to get through work without him posting? And sometimes, he even be posting like at 5 PM. My workday is over. He needs to get back to having his posts ready when I get to work.

Rashan: Judge Hatchett, Can I say something?

Judge: That’s not my name, but go ahead.

Rashan: Well, see it’s like this, Judge Cristina… I don’t even know this lady. And she gonna send me an email telling me that I don’t post enough. Can you at least comment once before you take such liberties? And who is this anyway? An anonymous email? That’s a punk move if I ever saw one.

Judge: Are you saying that you do in fact post enough?

Rashan: Word up, Judge Alex!!!

Judge: That’s not even a woman!!!

Rashan: My bad, you know I don’t be watching these wack court shows like that. I can’t even believe y’all got me in this courtroom. I believe I was promised some chicken wings in exchange for appearing on this show???? Hint Hint!!!

Judge: Lets get back to the case. Ms. Lurker, did you have a contract with the defendant that stated he would post 5 times a week?

Ms. Lurker: Well, your honor…

Rashan: That means no!!!

Ms Lurker: Whatever, Rashan… You need to shut up and let me speak.

Rashan: Word? You just gonna let her talk to me like that, Judge Rachel?

Judge: Ms Lurker, Direct your response to me. And Mr. Jamal, you are about 2 seconds from being in contempt!

Rashan: You do realize this ain’t no real courtroom, right? This is a tv set, dawg! You ain’t got no real power. And where’s my teriyaki wings, yo! You know I only eat once a day. It's about that time,

Ms. Lurker: I’m saying, your honor. I don’t have it on paper, but there was implied consent on his blog. If you look at the post dated 11/30, he clearly stated that he would post everyday.

Rashan: A brotha can’t change his mind? What’s the deal? And plus, I didn’t put any numbers on my posting. I think I post enough anyway. It’s not like I’m getting paid for this. You wanna pay me, I’ll post everyday, including Jewish Holidays. What you think this is?

Ms. Lurker: Blogger is free!

Rashan: But my time isn’t. In the immortal words of that dude from Jay-Z’s first album.. Beep you, pay me!

Judge: MR. JAMAL!!!! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!!!!

Rashan: I’m saying??? I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole damn court is out of order!!!

Judge: Bailiff.. restrain Mr. Jamal!

Rashan: Son, for real.. touch me and we gonna see the inside of a real courtroom, not this soundstage!!! You don’t know me like that, son.. I’m crazy! Have your read my blog? Did you know I have a list of ways to kill someone? It’s all theoretical now, but don’t test me…

Bailiff: You know, Judge Marilyn.. he’s right. I’m gonna just sit back and watch.

Ms. Lurker: What about me? Rashan has breached his contract with his readers. I need remediation!

Rashan: Remediate these! Don’t you ever in your life send me another email like that. I’ll post when I want to post. I’ll misspell whatever word I misspell. This is my blog! You think you can do better, then how about you get your own blog instead of hassling me about mine.

Ms. Lurker: Well, I never…

Rashan: Yeah, you never… you never commented. You never wrote a post, You never introduced yourself. You don’t have the right to say nothing to me.

Ms. Lurker: Wha—

Rashan: Objection, Judge Wapner!!!

Judge: I give up. I find for the plaintiff. Rashan, you are hereby ordered to post more often. In addition, you have to respond to your comments in a timely manner and be more interesting.

Rashan: Ordered? Word? I don’t do what I’m supposed to do. I’m a rebel, son! Black Power!!!

Judge: You will do what you were ordered to do. Otherwise, I’ll place you in contempt!

Rashan: Old fake judge and her toy cop! You ain’t gonna do nothing to me. What’s the worse that can happen? This old lurker stops coming to my blog? I’m all for that! Go away if you don’t like it. "I don’t need you, let welfare feed you."

Judge: Did you just recite a lyric in my courtroom?

Rashan: Sure did! That’s what I do. I bet you can’t identify it!

Bailiff: Jay Z “Stick to the Script”

Rashan: Aiight, brother. There maybe some hope for you yet. Now if you could just lay off the make up and stop showing out for the Man!!!

Bailiff: Word Up!!!

Ms. Lurker: I’m not coming back to your stupid little blog anymore. I'll just go read Raw Dawg's blog. He appreciates his readers.

Rashan: You’ll be back. They always come back. I'm sure I’ll be seeing your IP address on my site meter quite frequently, reading this post over and over again. How does it feel to inspire such madness?

Ms. Lurker: (blushing) I kind of like it. You so clever.

Judge: Hello, I’m the judge! Both of you need to listen to me.

Rashan: I'm done, son! I'm not gonna sit here and be berated by some old lurking ass lurker and some fake judge.

Judge: Get Out Of My Courtroom!!!

Rashan: Aiight, I'm outta here. But I'm finna take you to Judge Joe Brown. I still ain't get them waings you promised me. I'm suing for breach of contract!!!


(Theme Music Plays)

Yes, I know I took this to the extreme. And no, I'm not mad. I just think it's ridiculous for anyone to try to tell me what to do on my blog. Who does she think she is? Better yet, who does she think I am? Doesn't everybody realize how much of a jerk I can be? LOL

HERE IS THE EMAIL TEXT

Sunday, September 21, 2008 3:27 AM
From:
"Frustrated Blogreader" Add sender to Contacts
To:
visionz74@yahoo.com

Hi, you don't know me, but I've been reading your blogs for a couple of years. I have to say that lately you haven't been delivering like you used to. I don't know if you heart isnt in it anymore, but I don't like your blog like i used to. I only tell you this because I want to give you a chance to to keep me as a reader. Rashan, I think you need to post more often. I used to be able to look forward to reading you blogs every morning at work, but now you only post sporadically. Sometimes you don't even post until I'm already gone from work. You need to post more consistently if your want to keep your readers. I'm sure you noticed that you don't get as many comments as you used to. Mabye if you kept a schedule or managed your time better, people would read more. Also, you ! dont seem to Be trying to entertain us. You used to talk about all kinds of interesting things, now you only bitch about work. Nobody wants to read about that. You supposed to entertain us, but you not doing that. Well, sometimes, but not all the time. You act like you don't appreciate your readers. Without us, you are nothing. I hope you will think about this and start to blog better like you used to when you first started on your other blog. I want to keep reading, but if you don't get it together, I'll just have to find new people to read. Thanks for reading this email.

---A Frustrated Blog Reader

Isn't It Ironic, Don't Cha Think?

You know how I think I'm smarter than everyone else? Maybe you didn't know that, but I do. It's not because I'm cocky. I mean, I am, but that's not why I think I'm smarter. On a side note, even my girlfriend thought I was obnoxious when she first started reading my blog. But anyway, back to the point. I think I'm smarter than everyone else because of the preponderance of evidence that proves it. Work yesterday provided more fuel to that fire...

So, I'm walking in the office actually on time for once and I see there's a table by the front door filled with cookies, cakes, brownies and other confectionery goodies. I see a sign explaining what it's for....

Bake Sale For The American Diabetes Association

I'll let that sink in....

...

...

Now, I know all of my readers are much smarter than the people I work with. You immediately got the irony of that sign, right? If not, just nod your head and pretend. I wont tell anyone that you are dumber than a box of rocks didn't get it. A bake sale??? To benefit diabetes research??? I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure that diabetics aren't exactly clamoring for sugar products. I found it funny. I pointed it out to one of the managers. She failed to find the humor in it. Not that she didn't think it was funny, she just didn't get it. She gave me the blank face followed by the blink blink look. I was like, never mind don't even worry about it you big dummy.

But on the real, I shouldn't really complain about my job. At least they are trying to be charitable. In fact, later this week they are having a fish fry to support the Georgia Aquarium. Ribs for Ramadan is sure to be a big hit in the office. And I can't wait until the wine auction to support Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm so glad that I work for company that believes in giving back. LOL

Masterpiece Theatre - NOT!!!

This is another one of those satirical joints. It's a fake commercial for one of those Chitlin Circuit, gospel plays that always star washed up pseudo celebrities from the past. I probably should have waited until the holiday was over so more people would read it, but I didn't have anything else to post about. Enjoy and tell me how crazy you think I am in the comments. LOL

Coming to a city near you... It's the inspirational story of a young man trying to do the right thing while facing temptation from all angles.

Female Voice: "Heeeey, Shaquan! When you coming over boo?

A man who seemingly has it all...

Male Voice: I am a strong buh-lack man. I have my own house, my own car, no kids and a fine black woman. I'm living the American Dream.

A man harboring a secret that could shatter his perfect world. Shaquan is in love!

Male Voice: "I don't know why you keep trippin', Quan! You are gay!

...With a man!

America's pre eminent African American writers, David E Talbert and Tyler Perry finally collaborate on this emotional tale of love, life and redemption:

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From the Down Low?

Starring: Kristoff St John from "Young and the Restless" as Shaquan.

Shaquan: "I do like women...but there's just something about a man that makes me sweat. I don't see why I should have to choose"

Lark Voorhies as Jerinica,his girlfriend too blinded by love to realize the truth. And "Different World's Charnele Brown as her best friend Sherica who tries to school her.

Sharica: Girl, I saw your man at the gym hugged up with some fione brotha. Why are the good looking ones always gay?

Jerinica: "Quan is NOT gay. He was just working out and pumping iron"

Thea Vidale as Miss Lula Belle.

Miss Lula Belle: "Girrrl, he was pumping something all right. Something's getting worked out."
Female Voices: OOOOOOH CHILE!!!! I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!!!

Also starring, recording artist Play from Kid N Play reunited with Full Force's Bow Legged Lou for the first time since House Party.

Play (dancing and spinning): Do you think Shaquan is gay? I hear that brother is on the DL

BL Lou: What do you think? That brother gets his eyebrows waxed, his nails done and when was the last time you've seen a straight guy know that much about drapes?

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? is the touching story of a confused man that wants to get right with the Lord. Comedian Reynaldo Rey gives a gripping performance as The Good Reverend Doctor Cleophus Jackson

Shaquan: Preacher, why can't I love a man and still get into heaven?

Cleophus Jackson: Shaquan, the Lord says to love your brothers... not LOVE your brothers.

Watch as Shaquan's inner demons drive him to drink.

Shaquan (drunkingly): I don't know what to do. The Bible says one thing, but my heart says another.

Also starring Calvin from 227, Curtis Baldwin as Junebug:

Junebug (also drunk): What you need to do is stop playing for the other team, and find your strong black queen. And I'm not talking about a drag queen.

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? also stars the black guy from Color Me Badd and from TV's Designing Women, Meshach Taylor.

Black Guy From Color Me Badd: It's not so bad being gay, Quan. Look at me. I have a condo in Midtown, a cute little Mini Cooper and look at my cute little man bag. No straight man could ever pull this off.

Meshach: You ain't exactly pulling that off either, honey! You look like Little Richard and Liberace's love child. But for real, Quan. That downlow stuff is for the birds. Embrace the rainbow, brother!

Also comic relief from 2 Big MC and Poetic Justice's Joe Torre

2 Big MC: I blame his mama. She shoulda known he was gonna be gay when she put that Q in his name!

Joe Torry: I'm saying his mama might as well named him Twan and put him in dresses.

And fresh off her command performance at the Pearly Gates, in the role that she was born to play, What's Happening!!'s Mabel King as Big Mama!

Big Mama: Now, Quan... ain't nothing in your life so bad, that Jesus can't forgive.

Shaquan: I hear you Big Mama. But, how can I stop this lust in my heart?

Big Mama: Baby, you gots to let go and Let God! That's the only way you'll get by in this crazy world.

(Gospel Music plays in the background)

Big Mama has the answers, but will Shaquan listen? Come find out when Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow comes to your city!!!

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow coming to a civic center, convention hall or state fair near you this fall. Discounts offered for church groups, packs of bitter woman, and DL guys that think we can't tell they are gay.

I Killed Plies

Charlotte, North Carolina August 10, 2008

I was hanging out with Jameil and some of her friends. The topic of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes’s deaths came up. Somebody, I can’t remember which somebody it was, made the comment that death often comes in threes. I’d heard that before. It was one of the old ladies I worked with at St Joseph’s hospital favorite phrases. Granted, she would know. She often perused the obituaries looking for people she grew up to be dead. In fact, I don’t think she ever read the paper other than to find out about somebody passing. Digression, I know, but that’s what I do. Anyway, it was at this point that I became a potential murderer. I don’t know why I said it, but I did.

“Can number 3 be Plies?” (click here if you don't know who Plies is..)

The room fell silent for a few awkward moments before erupting into laughter. Maybe it really didn’t, and that’s my overactive imagination, but that’s what it seemed like to me. Oh my God, I killed Plies…

Why Plies of all people? I don’t know. I guess he was just in my head from my ride up to Charlotte. It seemed like if it wasn’t Lil Wayne on the radio, it was Plies. He’s pretty ignorant, but I’m not particularly hating on him. To me he’s amusing. I laugh when I hear his inane, profane and mundane lyrics. I chuckle at how since he did Buss it Baby, he now samples other late 80’s music in an attempt to recapture the magic of that hit. It’s mad obvious to me that he’s trying to find his niche amongst the millions of other wack rappers out there. But I don’t hate him. I don’t really want him dead. God, I hope I don’t really have the power of life and death in my tongue. I would hate to be responsible for someone’s death by one of my insensitive jokes.

So, if any of you know Plies, I need you to do me a favor. Be a bodyguard for him. If you see some goons threatening him, get his back. If you see him bout to drink and drive, tell that friends don’t let friends do that. If you see him about to eat a baconator from Wendy’s, educate him on the dangers of trans fat and heart disease. I know thugs don’t really get down with the bungee jumping too tough, but if he does, check his straps. Make sure them platinum teeth are set properly, I don’t want him choking. Okay, maybe that would be a little funny, but for God’s sake, give him the Heimlich!!! I’m saying…don’t let Plies die. I can’t deal with that on my conscience. LOL

PS – What’s the statute of limitations on me speaking death on somebody? Like if he dies in a year, am I still responsible? 5 years? What about 7 years? That sounds like a good legal number! Do I have to carry the weight of my reckless words for the rest of my life? Somebody, please… anybody help me out here! Heaven, I Need A Hug (Gratuitous excuse to post a video. LOL)

Dawg? You Like Forty!

I so wanted to call this post "Nigga, You Forty!", but since everybody got that preview blog roll thing, I didn't want to offend any passers by. I mean, if you come to my blog, then I don't really care about offending you, cuz you know what you are in for. I'm a be mean or make a sarcastic comment. I might even make an insensitive joke or two. But anyway, that's not what I was gonna post about... What I was gonna post about was this nonsense I heard over the weekend. It made me exclaim "Nigga, you Forty!!!"

Master P says he's gonna change his name to P. Miller. I really could care less. The obvious P. Diddy reference doesn't bother me. If you are prone to knob slobbery, then slob that knob. I 'ont care. It ain't like you haven't been biting your entire career, with your Pac-esque flow and your Hootie Hoo 7 years after Outkast did it and your lifting entire lyrics from other artists. Wait, again, that wasn't my point. My point was this... P gonna come out his mouth and say this nonsense:

"I'm changing my name because Master P is who I used to be. I call it my childhood and P. Miller marks my manhood."

NIGGA, YOU FORTY!!! Your childhood lasted until you were like 38? Until nobody wanted to buy your records anymore? Until you got that job on Nickelodeon? Childhood, my swollen big toe! You do realize that nobody would know who you were if you didn't make God awful catchy music, right? I'm glad that you decided to finally become a man. By the way, during this time when you were supposedly a child, didn't you have kids? Are your kids more grown than you? When you turn 73 will you then become middle aged? At 101, will you just start to collect Social Security? Seems like you growth was a little stunted? I'm just asking!

You may be wondering why I'm reacting so strongly to this. It's more funny than anything to me. It may be that I don't like when people try to turn their back on what made them famous to begin with. I know I know, people can change, but it still bothers me. It also annoys me when grown ass men talk about growing up. Son, you shoulda been grown! I'm not saying you have all the answers when you are in 20s, believe me, I'm 33 and I know precious little more than I did when I was 16. But come on, dawg! 40 is a little late to be talking about finally becoming a man. Oh well, at the very least I got to entertain myself by saying "Nigga, YOU FORTY!!!" all weekend. Try it...It's catchy!!! LOL

Full Disclosure: I never liked P's lyrics, rhyme scheme, subject matter, etc...except when I was in the club! I used to get crunk of some Master P joints back in the day. Throwing 'bows and mean muggin while holding my Alize!!! This was one of my favorites.... HUSTLA! BALLA! GANGSTA! CAP PEELA! Who I be, your neighborhood drug dealer!!!!" I know... coontastic, but I loved it!

Our First Argument

"Rashan, you've changed"

Three little words. Quite simple words, in fact. But these eighteen letters had the potential to mess up a good thing. My first reaction was to become defensive. When I'm on the defense, it usually goes one of two ways: bad or worse. Either I just shut down and disregard what she's telling me, which on its own is bad enough. But I was feeling worse coming on. When worse comes to worse, the jerk comes out. Previously, I would have called it something else, a word that starts with a and ends with hole, but I've been making a conscious effort not to curse as much around her. When I think back no longer than a year ago, I had a potty mouth. I still do to an extent, but not around her. See, I respect her, but word is bond, she's getting on my last nerve. I fought the urge to be "that guy" and simply asked for an explanation.

"What do you mean, baby? How have I changed?"

She spoke in a muted tone, eyes cast downward to avoid my inquisitive glare.

"I mean, you used to think of only me. Now I'm not so sure that you still feel the same."

"What do you mean? We talk daily. If not daily, then at least most days."

"Yeah, but even you have to admit it's not the same."

As usual, she was right. I hate when she does that. Disarms me with proof that I don't always have all the answers. I like to think that I'm always right, even when I'm left, but since I've been dealing with her, I've had to admit far too often to my liking that her way is the right way. This was yet another time where I would have to swallow my pride and acquiesce.

"You're right, baby. Things are different. I don't know how we got here, but I know I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rekindle our relationship."

"It's not that simple. You can't just wave a magic wand and fix this. I've been thinking..."

"No, baby. Hold that thought. Once you put that out there, there is no turning back."

The fear wrapped around me like a blanket on an invalid's legs. I didn't want her to utter those words. There was no way that I was gonna let her go without a fight. We've been through too much in a relatively short period of time to just give up now. I needed her in my life.

"No, Rashan. Relax. I'm not going there. I just think some things have to change. I'm not as happy as I used to be."

"So we are having our first argument, huh? Should I mark the date?"

"That's what I'm talking about right there. You never take me seriously. Here I am trying to pour my heart out to you and you make jokes."

"You used to love my jokes. I remember you told me that was one of the first things that attracted you to me."

"I still love them. I cracked up at your post the other day. But there's a time and place for jocularity. This is not it."

"Okay, baby. Go ahead. I'm listening."

"I feel..."

Here we go. Feelings and stuff. I mean I should have expected it. Its normal in these situations for emotions to get involved. But, I honestly did not ever intend to hurt her feelings or make her feel neglected. I guess like most men, sometimes I do things without thinking about the consequences. By no means do I think I am perfect, but I do think I am perfect for her. Me and her together are unmesswitable, nah mean? Look at that. A year ago, that phrase would have been much more vulgar, but I'm trying. I'm trying to be the man she wants me to be.

"What do you feel, babe?"

"I feel that you need to pay more attention to me."

The defensiveness is bubbling up in me. I want nothing more than to state my argument, but from the tone of this conversation, I realize that is probably not the best tactic. I slump down on the love seat and continue listening.

"You used to be all about me. Along with your sense of humor, that was another thing that attracted me. You were so attentive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you don't still feel the same way about me, but I need you to show it."

"Yeah, you're right."

"I don't want to be an afterthought in your life. It's like everything else comes first now and then you think of me."

"Yeah, but...

I couldn't help it. I had to say something. I felt like she was maligning my character. I just wanted her to know that she is still an integral part of my life.

"But what? You just got finished admitting that things are different. Were you just saying that? I don't need your platitudes. I don't need you patronizing me."

"I'm not. I swear to you I'm not. I honestly see where you are coming from, but I just think you are making way too big a deal out of this."

"So, now what I feel is not important. Way to be sensitive there, Rashan!"

"You know that's not what I meant."

I'm so not an arguer. I really am all about the solution, rather than the rehashing of the problem. Me and her have never really argued before though, so I'm still learning her rules of engagement. From what I can tell, we have totally different styles of communication. I had no choice but to follow hers.

"What did you mean then? Cuz it sure sounded like you were discounting my feelings and I have to tell you I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!!!"

"You don't have to yell. I'm right here. Can't we discuss this like two rational adults?"

"OH, SO NOW I'M A CHILD!!!!"

"Come on, relax. I'm just saying we've identified the issue, now lets see what we can do to rectify it. What is it that I can do to make you realize that I still care for you the same way?"

"I have to come up with all the answers? You are supposed to be this brilliant guy. That's what you said in your little wack post the other day. You need to find a way to fix this. Use that brain you are always bragging about."

At this point, I felt an unfamiliar twinge in my gut. I don't get mad, but I'm pretty sure that the feeling I was experiencing was anger. I've felt it a few times in my life, like when I swung on Earl at Freaknik 94. But generally, in my 33 years of living, I've found anger to be the easiest emotion to suppress. It doesn't accomplish anything in my opinion. People say I will snap if I don't let it out, but this was not the right time to let it out. I was trying to keep her around; anger would push her away. Let me take a deep breath. No, that's not working. Count to ten. That didn't do it either. "Nam-Myhoho-Renge-Kyo" - Okay, I'm cool!

"Okay, baby. I understand you are upset. I completely get that. Here's what I'm going to do."

"This should be good," she stated sarcastically. I taught her that. Her sarcasm was a direct by product of her being around me.

"I pledge this to you. Starting right now, I'm gonna make you feel like you are important to me again. I can't tell you how, honestly I don't really know that yet, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to make you feel special"

"I've heard that one before."

"Look at this face. Do you see my resolve face?"

"Wait, did you just quote Buffy The Vampire Slayer? You are so odd."

"See, the mere fact that you knew where that quote came from is proof that we are meant to be together. You like what I like, I like what you like. We are one. We can't lose sight of that."

"I guess you are right. I can't believe you got me interested in all your strange interests. How did I get hooked up with someone so incredibly weird?"

"Just lucky, I guess!"

She let out a light chuckle. She tried to hold it in, but I could see that smile, no matter how hard she tried to obscure it. I sensed that we had turned the corner. She was back on my side. I know that I have to do better though. Consider this my wake up call. I don't want to lose her because of laziness. I don't want to lose her because I have new interests. I don't ever want her to feel neglected. I'm trying to keep her around for the long haul, if she'll have me. I dodged a bullet this time, but I guess I have to show and prove.

I can't believe that I just had an argument with my blog. She sure is high maintenance!!! What, did you think I was talking about a person? LMAO!!! I dare you to tell me that was not brilliant! Don't be lying, you know you liked it! Have a good weekend, folks!

Delusion World

Welcome to Delusion World!!! Your number 1 vacation destination for those that like to lie to themselves. My name is Rashan Jamal and I'm your host for today's tour. Is real life not good enough for you? Do you want to fool yourself into thinking things are better than they are? Then come to Delusion World! Our resort features luxury suites for almost every delusion you can think of. Here are several of our delusion themed rooms.

I'm Gonna Make It In The Music Business!

Popular with the 30 something crowd. This room is designed for people that want to live their dreams of being a star, but have no actual talent. Typical clientele have their own record labels without any artists, or entertainment companies that get shouted out on low quality demo tapes, but never promote anything. This room is also for all the producers that don't have their own equipment, singers trying to relive their talent show win 10 years ago, and rappers that rhyme about drugs and guns but really have white collar jobs.

"He's Gonna Leave His Wife"

Perfect for all of the mistresses out there. You can even bring that married guy with you. Features of this suite include lots of Kleenex to wipe away your tears when he stands you up to be with his wife, earplugs for when your friends try to tell you that he's no good, and a untraceable cell phone so you can call the wife and hang up on her. Men, be sure to check out our "She's Gonna Leave That Dude" suite.


I'm Not Really A Smoker

The only smoking room in our resort. This room is for all them cats that smoke Black N Milds or Djarums and think its okay because they aren't cigarettes. Rooms are stocked with incense and gum and Egyptian musk oil to mask that familiar smoke smell. This suite is also perfect for that special weed head in your life.


She Don't Really Like Me

You know that girl that you keep around because you like the attention or you don't want to hurt her feelings? She's not really a stalker is she? Her declarations of love not withstanding, you can totally stay in this room with her without her trying any funny business. Amenities include separate beds, flannel pajamas, and the complete lack of anything that can put her in the mood. She gets too close to you? Push the red button on the night stand and a noxious fume will kill the vibe instantly. She'll think the smell is coming from you, but its really ours!


I Am The Father

When you want to pretend that your wife is NOT sleeping with your best friend, check into this suite. You can play Nintendo Wii with those kids that may or may not be yours, while she spends your child support money on gifts for that other guy. Special mirrors in the room make that kid actually look like you. DNA kits are also available, but we've yet to have any requests.


I'm Super Sexxxy

Our slimming mirrors and on site make up consultant can make you look as good as you think you do. We also have a closet full of clothes which are too tight or too loose (depending on your size) and preserve your sexy. A highly skilled group of staff sycophants will tell you exactly what you want to hear. "No, those jeans don't make you look fat." "Whoever told you that you look like Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask, was just joking." "I'd totally do you if I wasn't gay!" These are just a few of the delusion feeding amenities of this suite.


That Rash Will Go Away On Its Own

A completely sterile environment, this suite features all sorts of distractions to make you forget that rash, burning sensation, or lesion. You won't even entertain the possibility that you have an STD in this room. Check out our WebMd manuals for alternate explanations. Even better, our minibar is stocked with Old Wives Tale Home Remedies. Who needs a doctor when you have us?


You Say She's Just A Friend

You want to trust his female friend. You don't want to believe everybody that tells you to watch out for that trick. So what do you do? Get this suite featuring adjoining rooms and bring her on vacation with you guys. You can get to know her and maybe even befriend her on this trip. Use our suggested passive aggressive hints that she needs to back off, conveniently located under the Gideon Bible. Make her listen to you and your man's "sexy time" through our patented extra thin walls. Before you know it, she'll lose all interest in your man.

He Actually Wants To Get Married

That man really wants to marry you. He's just scared. This room can help you help him get over that fear. Our TVs only show Bridezilla, or Wedding Story. In conjunction with the bridal magazines strategically placed in this suite, your man will have no choice but to get in the matrimonial spirit. Before you leave, you'll have that promise to get engaged... one day in the future...when he gets his money right...and he can see himself sleeping only with one woman for the rest of his life...etc, etc, etc.



See what I mean? Here at Delusion World we have just what you need to keep on lying to yourself. Our resort is always packed with self deluders and megalomaniacs, so plan your trip now! What do we charge for our services? Whatever you believe it costs, that's what it costs. So call us at 1 800 Delusion or check us out on the Web at www.delusionworld.net/.

Delusion World - When the truth is just not good enough for you.