Ballin'

Recession? What recession? I'm ballin', son!!! I just got a promotion at work!!! My hard work (he he he) has paid off. They finally recognized that I am the man and decided to compensate me for it. It was unexpected because I thought that all raises were frozen. But there was no way that they could deny that I am worth every last penny they could throw my way. I'm indispensable, yo! A new job title, a bump up in job grade, more responsibilities. The world is my oyster! I'm just so happy!!! Guess how much my salary increased? Nah, I shouldn't tell you. It's indelicate to talk about money in times like these when people are losing jobs right and left. Especially when you are talking about the type of money I just got. It'll just seem like bragging. Wait. You are my blog family. You wanna share in my joy, don't you? Maybe just this once I'll make an exception. I can't contain my excitement. I got a whopping raise of...


$648. Meet me at the bar. Drinks on me!!! I hope this raise doesn't move me to a higher tax bracket. LOL. Any suggestions on what I should get with my new found wealth?

The Barber Chronicles

I could make this a semi regular series. It's really difficult to find a barber that I like. Either they are just mediocre, or they don't show up on time, or they have you sit in the chair forever while they argue about whose booty is fattest or which wack rapper is the best. I miss the good old days in Savannah, when I had a standing Tuesday appointment with Duane at Holmes Barbershop on Montgomery Ave. He used to not show up on time, but at least his apartment was close enough that I didn't have to wait for him to drive across town to cut my hair. Plus, he knew how to cut my hair, and once he finally showed up, he was efficient.

Anyway, its been a while since I got my haircut, so on Saturday, I went to get that handled. I stopped at an ATM to get some cash, and as I was driving back to the spot where I normally go, I saw a barber shop that I never saw before. I've been looking for a new spot, because the last couple of times I went to my usual shop, had new barbers that did not do a very good job. One guy's clippers were too sharp and cut my face, the other one just seemed to have no clue what he was doing. Add to that the other barbers that are competent weren't there, and I was about through with them. Back to the point... I decided to give this shop a chance.

I walked in and there were only two barber chairs, and three women stylists in another room. I saw the two barbers. One was an older gentleman, conservatively in his mid 50's. He had someone in his chair. The other was a younger guy, maybe in his late 20's. I was glad that the younger guy was available. No offense, but from my experience, older barbers tend to do what they want with your hair, as opposed to what you want. I sat down, and told the guy what I wanted. I was gonna keep some of the hair on top that had been growing over the last month. He repeated what I wanted, but didn't get it right. I lost confidence that he would do what I wanted him to do. With my texture of hair, its pretty much a hit or miss thing, so I decided I would play it safe and just have him cut it low. He seemed to understand that pretty well, so I sat back and let him get to work. I heard the older barber talking..

"Take the one blade all the way back."

I didn't pay it any attention. I figured he was talking to himself. But it soon hit me that he was actually telling the other barber what to do. I was like why is the old man being so nosy? Cut your own customer's hair. All that was in my mind of course. After all my locks were on the floor, I heard him talking again.

"Tape up the front."

Wait... Am I getting my hair cut by an amateur? Does this guy not know what the bleep he is doing? All I wanted to do was look at my hair, but since I am blind with out my glasses, I couldn't see what it looked like in the mirror. I nervously sat there as he shaped up the goatee and sideburns. I already worked it out in my head. If he messes up the facial hair, I can fix that, but he better not mess up my hair. All the while, the older barber is giving him instructions. I was like please hurry up and let me out of where. Did I mention that it was taking forever. Finally, he was finished. Or so I thought. I put on my glasses and looked in the mirror and noticed that my tape was not even close to being right.

"Can you tighten up that tape?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna do that in just a minute with the razor."

Dammit, man! This neophyte is actually gonna come at me with a sharp razor? I don't really want him to do that, but I still got too many loose hairs on my face and hairline. I guess I'll let him do it. He puts some shaving gel on my face and then starts looking around. The old guy speaks again...

"You need to have your hot towel ready before you do that."

"Oh, okay..."

He goes into another room, and the older barber follows him, presumably to give him some direction. I thought about getting up and leaving right then, but my car was parked in the back of the building and there would be no way of leaving without them getting my license plate number. I then thought about throwing down some money and jetting, but I needed change. Ain't no way I was paying $20 for this half assed haircut. So, I sat there, shaving gel marinating on my face for about 3 minutes, while he got his stuff together. They finally came back, and he put the not quite hot towel on my face. Well, it started on my face, but soon slid down. The older barber said, let me show you. He slid the barber chair back and rewrapped my face correctly. When my pores were sufficiently opened, he let the young guy take back over. I felt the scraping against my face, and although I didn't know exactly what he was doing, I knew it wasn't right. The old guy recognized this too..

"Use your reverse backhand. Go with the grain. Pull the skin tight."

The young guy, bless his heart, tried to follow all the directions, but it just wasn't working. Luckily, the older guy took over again.

"I'll get you through this one. You watch me and I'll show you how it's done."

When he was finally finished, the young guy came back and touched it up, and I was finally ready to go. After an hour sitting in the chair with a barber school reject, they had the nerve to charge me regular price. I was not in the mood to argue, (or as Jameil says I'm too nice), so I paid and jetted. My customary nice tip however was not included. The hair cut is not bad, but its not good. I know a lot of people can't tell the difference, but I can already see that it's not going to grow in the right way. I expect that in about 4 days, my hair will be sticking up and not laying right. I guess it goes without saying that I will not be returning to this barbershop. Here's what it looks like one day later...

Notice the uneven hairline and the unfinished looking goatee. Stay tuned in two weeks when I try yet another barber...

Late Thursday Thirteen: Things I Don't Understand

1. Dow Jones – I guess since I work in the financial services industry, I should have a better grasp on this thing, but to me, it just seems like legalized gambling. Its like you aren’t really buying anything tangible with your money. You are betting on the future performance of a company. I also know that my 401k is taking a horrendous beating b/c of the stock market. Can I invest in something that is gonna always pay dividends…like cocaine? LOL

2. Obama makes you better – You don’t know how many times I’ve heard since the election that people feel better about themselves because Obama won. So basically what you are saying is that before the election, you felt like a nigger, but now you don’t? Look, I’m mad inspired as well, but I always had a (some would say inflated) high opinion of myself. He can’t make me be something I wasn’t already, nah mean?

3. Gone With The Wind – I made it through an hour of this 4 hour movie, and if I wasn’t black, I could see myself enjoying it. I just don’t know how in good conscience I can ignore the horrific racial undertones and root for these characters that are happily going to war to keep their slaves. I’m trying to just look at the movie on its merits, but I can’t separate reality from the fiction.

4. Weave - Let me start by saying, I have no problem at all with weave. If you wanna rock it, and it looks good, its all good with me. In fact, I don’t care what you do with your hair, as long as it looks good. Howsomever, I’ve recently noticed, that weave is getting out of control again. Where as it got to the point, where it was looking more realistic, lately it seems like we are going back to the old school days of just adding a whole bunch of weave that looks majorly synthetic. Its like an Al B Sure video with the video girls flinging their yarn-y hair all over the place. You can’t think that looks good, can you?

5. Good Hair - People are still talking about good hair? Why yes, they are! I've been letting my hair grow out, partially because I like it, and partially, because I'm too lazy to go to the barbershop. The other day at work, I got told that I had good hair. I must be mixed. I got some of what Obama got in him. I was like, what is this 1964 or something?

6. This thing on my shoulder – Yeah, I thought it was a pimple. Then it started growing and then I thought it was a boil, thanks to WebMd. Now, I don’t know what it is. I won’t go into anymore disgusting detail, but its annoying me.

7. Reality TV – Am I the only one that realizes that most of these shows follow the exact same format? How many different types of competitions can you have? How many terse, dramatic, heavily edited shows can there be? How many crybabies are there in this country? The way they cry at the drop of a hat is just annoying. Full Disclosure: Jameil got me liking Project Runway and True Beauty, but the rest I can’t get with, including Top Chef.

8. Why I was paying for anti virus… when I get free anti virus protection from Comcast? I feel like a chump for that one.

9. My President is Black - I like the song, but when I actually listened to the lyrics, I had to scratch my head. Its full of drug references like most Jeezy song's, but you woulda thought that on an ode to the president, he could have laid off the dreams of being Pablo Escobar. Just for one song, Jeezy? Please???

10. My lateness – I was doing so well. I had started getting to work on time, even early. Now, for the last month, I’ve been arriving at 11:59 or 12:02. If there was some traffic, I could see the problem. The problem is me. I’ve back slided into procrastination. Waking up at the last minute, taking too long in the shower, watching TV instead of getting ready for work. It sucks, I need to fix it. (Step One – Fix, Step Two – It, Step Three – Fix It!!) (fast forward to 6 minutes.)

11. People like me – I don’t get why people still call and text me. I can tell you if I got ignored as many times as I ignore other people, it would be a wrap. I know I suck for this, but I am who I am. I just don't get why people still try.

12 . Smoke detector – Why my smoke detector was beeping all night is a mystery to me. It could be that it needs a new battery if I didn’t replace it just last month. Also, once I took the battery out, why come is it still beeping? And why does it use a 9 volt battery? When was the last time you bought a 9 volt battery? I can answer for me… I had a hand held electronic football game in 8th grade. That was the last thing I had that used one of those, except for my smoke detector.

13. Why my girlfriend made me watch porn - LOL - I can see her jumping up and gesticulating at the computer right now, so I guess I should explain. We've been watching movies together on the phone. I made a list of some movies that were in the UF library and I have on Netflix Instant Viewing. One such movie was a Spanish movie called "Sex and Lucia." While that title should have clued us in that it was a little risque, the description of the movie didn't tell us that there would be like 10 minutes of almost real sex and constant nudity. I can't believe she made me watch that. I feel so violated. LOL

Predictability

I've been known to be a creature of habit. I find myself doing the same things all the time. Its not so much of an obsession, but just what I'm used to. I eat wheat bread because that's what I was raised on. I always drive in the 4th lane on 285 on the way to work. When I log on to my computer, I always start at the same sites, in the same order. Why? I don't know, but I that's what just how I do. I guess it's just comfortable...However, something happened the other day that made me wonder if I need to switch things up a little.

After the ride home from work Monday (in which I drove in the 4th lane for as long as possible), I stopped by my local Subway to get dinner. I usually go there at least once a week, unless I'm on one of my "I'm gonna cook" phases. I got in line and the East African girl that always waits on me says:

"Footlong Tuna Sub on Italian Herbs and Cheese. Lettuce, Tomatoes, and Pickles"

She was right. How did she know? LOL - Maybe it's cuz I go there all the time and always order the same thing. I felt like switching up the order just to prove her wrong, but I really wanted that tuna sub. I'm so predictable sometimes.

ATT - Manager's Phone

*Beep* Hey, this is the manager's phone. Manager doesn't have ATT, so he didn't get the call from the boss telling him NOT to tell everybody that the company is suspending merit raises. Because he has zero bars, he didn't know that it was not supposed to be common knowledge. Call and text all you want. The manager won't be answering, he'll be trying to come up with responses to a bunch of questions he isn't prepared to answer.

Wanna Get Away?

You know those Southwest Airline commercials where people do something utterly embarrassing and then want to get away? I witnessed one of those moments the other day...

Characters:
Kenyan Like Obama (KLO)
Yes, I'm A Lesbian (YIAL)
Rashan

KLO: Hey, YIAL! Who is that man?
YIAL: What are talking about?
KLO: That picture on your desk?
YIAL: (looks as if she doesn't know what picture is on her desk): Girrrl, that ain't a man. That's my wife.
KLO: Oh, she looks like a man from here.
Rashan: (whispering) Stop talking!
YIAL: Oh.
KLO: I mean she has manly facial features.
Rashan: (whispering) I implore you to stop talking right now!
YIAL: No that's my honey bunny.
KLO: I couldn't really tell. I thought it was a man with dreadlocks.
Rashan: (whispering) For real, stop talking right now.
KLO: (to me) You can understand how I could make that mistake, can't you?
Rashan: ...
YIAL: Yeah, that's my husband.
KLO: So, she's the man and you're the woman? I woulda thought...
Rashan: KLO, shut up!

It was this point that I imagined the announcer saying: Wanna Get Away? I work with the most tactless people in the world. LOL

Semi Wordless Wednesday

When I went to work yesterday, people were trying to figure out was different about me. You should have seen them racking their brains trying to come up with it. Can you tell what it is? I thought it would be obvious, especially for people that see me 5 days out of the week.