Masterpiece Theatre - NOT!!!

This is another one of those satirical joints. It's a fake commercial for one of those Chitlin Circuit, gospel plays that always star washed up pseudo celebrities from the past. I probably should have waited until the holiday was over so more people would read it, but I didn't have anything else to post about. Enjoy and tell me how crazy you think I am in the comments. LOL

Coming to a city near you... It's the inspirational story of a young man trying to do the right thing while facing temptation from all angles.

Female Voice: "Heeeey, Shaquan! When you coming over boo?

A man who seemingly has it all...

Male Voice: I am a strong buh-lack man. I have my own house, my own car, no kids and a fine black woman. I'm living the American Dream.

A man harboring a secret that could shatter his perfect world. Shaquan is in love!

Male Voice: "I don't know why you keep trippin', Quan! You are gay!

...With a man!

America's pre eminent African American writers, David E Talbert and Tyler Perry finally collaborate on this emotional tale of love, life and redemption:

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From the Down Low?

Starring: Kristoff St John from "Young and the Restless" as Shaquan.

Shaquan: "I do like women...but there's just something about a man that makes me sweat. I don't see why I should have to choose"

Lark Voorhies as Jerinica,his girlfriend too blinded by love to realize the truth. And "Different World's Charnele Brown as her best friend Sherica who tries to school her.

Sharica: Girl, I saw your man at the gym hugged up with some fione brotha. Why are the good looking ones always gay?

Jerinica: "Quan is NOT gay. He was just working out and pumping iron"

Thea Vidale as Miss Lula Belle.

Miss Lula Belle: "Girrrl, he was pumping something all right. Something's getting worked out."
Female Voices: OOOOOOH CHILE!!!! I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!!!

Also starring, recording artist Play from Kid N Play reunited with Full Force's Bow Legged Lou for the first time since House Party.

Play (dancing and spinning): Do you think Shaquan is gay? I hear that brother is on the DL

BL Lou: What do you think? That brother gets his eyebrows waxed, his nails done and when was the last time you've seen a straight guy know that much about drapes?

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? is the touching story of a confused man that wants to get right with the Lord. Comedian Reynaldo Rey gives a gripping performance as The Good Reverend Doctor Cleophus Jackson

Shaquan: Preacher, why can't I love a man and still get into heaven?

Cleophus Jackson: Shaquan, the Lord says to love your brothers... not LOVE your brothers.

Watch as Shaquan's inner demons drive him to drink.

Shaquan (drunkingly): I don't know what to do. The Bible says one thing, but my heart says another.

Also starring Calvin from 227, Curtis Baldwin as Junebug:

Junebug (also drunk): What you need to do is stop playing for the other team, and find your strong black queen. And I'm not talking about a drag queen.

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow? also stars the black guy from Color Me Badd and from TV's Designing Women, Meshach Taylor.

Black Guy From Color Me Badd: It's not so bad being gay, Quan. Look at me. I have a condo in Midtown, a cute little Mini Cooper and look at my cute little man bag. No straight man could ever pull this off.

Meshach: You ain't exactly pulling that off either, honey! You look like Little Richard and Liberace's love child. But for real, Quan. That downlow stuff is for the birds. Embrace the rainbow, brother!

Also comic relief from 2 Big MC and Poetic Justice's Joe Torre

2 Big MC: I blame his mama. She shoulda known he was gonna be gay when she put that Q in his name!

Joe Torry: I'm saying his mama might as well named him Twan and put him in dresses.

And fresh off her command performance at the Pearly Gates, in the role that she was born to play, What's Happening!!'s Mabel King as Big Mama!

Big Mama: Now, Quan... ain't nothing in your life so bad, that Jesus can't forgive.

Shaquan: I hear you Big Mama. But, how can I stop this lust in my heart?

Big Mama: Baby, you gots to let go and Let God! That's the only way you'll get by in this crazy world.

(Gospel Music plays in the background)

Big Mama has the answers, but will Shaquan listen? Come find out when Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow comes to your city!!!

Big Mama, Can Jesus Save Me From The Downlow coming to a civic center, convention hall or state fair near you this fall. Discounts offered for church groups, packs of bitter woman, and DL guys that think we can't tell they are gay.

Thursday Thirteen: Things Me and My Brother Say!

Me and my brother have our own language sometimes. Most of it is from TV shows or movies that we watched together over the years. Here are 13 of our favorite sayings that most people wont get:

Thursday Thirteen: 13 Things Me and My Brother Say!

1. Chato will take you to the Airstrip: From this tv show called Kingpin about Mexican drug kingpins. Chato was a viscious killer. That phrase right there meant you were about to meet Jesus, and I’m not talking about the Mexican bodyguard either.

2. Ow, my liver!!! Came from Beavis and Butthead. We used to watch that all the time. That episode stuck with us for some reason.

3. I gots to find Mecca ! – Mecca was a guy. The movie was called Thug Life and it starred Nephew Tommy from the Steve Harvey show before anybody knew who he was. The Lady of Rage (remember Afro Puffs) was in it too. This movie was horrible, or should I say horribly entertaining. It was such a bad movie, that me and my brother couldn’t stop laughing at it. There was also a gang scene in which the gang members chanted… KILL KILL KILL –REVENGE!!!!. I recommend if you ever have about 84 minutes to waste to check this movie out. But only if it comes on cable. Hilarious.

4. Brother’s don’t shake hands, brother’s gotta hug! – Chris Farley in Tommy Boy. What’s so funny is that my brother and neither hug nor shake hands. We adhere to a very strict no touching policy unless violence is involved. LOL. We also like "Fat Guy in a Little Coat"

5. Hello, QVC? This one requires a video companion. Brian Fellow off Saturday Night Live is hilarious. It’s nothing for me to call my brother and when he answers say “Hello, QVC…It’s Brian Fellow. I want to buy a birdcage with solid gold bars." Forgive me, I’m having a moment. I'M BRIAN FELLOW!!!

6. Hey son… wanna see my missles? Followed by “No I never want to.” Okay, let me explain. When my brother was like 6 or 7, he drew this picture of a big monster talking to a little monster. That was the caption. I verbalized the characters for him. The first guy had a gruff abrasive voice. The little one had a innocent baby voice. It still cracks me up and right now I’m realizing that you are just blinking at your computer screen like this dude has lost it.

7. Can I borrow your… The object of this one is to think of the most obscure or unlikely thing for the other to have. For example, Can I borrow your.. Celine Dion boxset? Or can I borrow your first edition of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice? Try it, its fun...

8. Man, ain’t no eagle! Read this post for a greater explanation. But the eagle was some money that was supposed to be coming our way.

9. You don’t have the largest arms in wrestling cuz I have the largest arms in wrestling. We used to watch WWE all the time and there are tons of hilarious sayings. This was one of the most ridiculous. Scott Steiner vs Triple H. Another favorite is TAKER... You haven't broke me.. I'm still standing...

10. Can it be babies? - From Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There was a guy that got turned into a troll. He liked to eat babies. I'm aware how strange this sounds, but it's really funny. I know in real life, baby eating is frowned upon, but its just a tv show. It's funnier if you actually see the clip, but here's the surrounding dialogue. Its a line that we always repeat when one of us says he's gonna get something to eat.

11. You gonna help me sell these guns? - Another horrible hood movie called 5th Ward. I can't even remember why dude was selling guns, but he really needed his friend to help him. Cracks me up!

12. But I’m the one holding the box - This was from the TV show Alias. Quentin Tarentino was guest starring as a guy that was torturing people. He used this phrase to mock his victim...

13. Men and women are different - Our way of mocking the mediocre to terrible Comic view comedians that all seem to tell the same joke about how men and women are different.

I'm Not Feeling Work Right Now

I obviously don’t want to be here today. Every little thing is getting on my nerves. Here are a few, um errr, several:


Why do people think that work is the club? I love music as much as the next person, but really I’m listening to Gucci Mane in back of me. Lil Wayne on my left, Jill Scott on my right and George Benson at my manager’s desk? Can you please turn this stuff down a little bit? Or get some earbuds? I got good music on my ipod. But that don’t mean that I’m gonna subject you to my tastes.

Dude, for real… The begging has got to stop. While I’m grateful you aren’t asking me for a ride anymore, the whole “I’m hungry, what you got to eat stuff?” is just annoying. You work the same as we work. You been here longer so you more than likely are getting paid more than we are. Can you just take your broke behind down to the café and get what you want instead of hovering over peoples meals like you ain’t never had a salad before? Greedy bast…

Do you have to touch me every time you walk by? Quit rubbing on my back. I have never invited you to touch me nor have I ever touched you, so what is this about. There are actually 2 of them and they have one thing in common. They are dark skinned white girls. Well two if you count their size.

Can you please stop trying to make it impossible to make bonus? I’m just saying, how you gonna change stuff 8 months into the year? I like my extra money. Can I please keep it, sir? No? Okay, so then at least be subtle about it. Don’t just come out the box with unrealistic goals and expect us to be happy about it. And by the way, you suck at trying to communicate this positively. I can see in your eyes that you know this is some bull.

Back to the music… cuz these cats are killing me! Beyonce is getting bodied… Mary is feeling just fine. Tell me why these cats are dancing like some coons. Okay, that’s a little harsh, but I swore I saw Chicken George hopping up and down on one leg and chewing on a straw. Dawg, this is work, not the old folks club.

Why are you cursing and scowling so much? I mean is life that bad that nothing makes you happy? Do you have to curse about doing your job? I can see when they make us do stuff that is not in your job description, but just regular client management? That’s what you are supposed to do. Stop being so doggone surly all the time. I know I sound hypocritical because I’m complaining about them, but at least I’m not dropping f bombs every 2 minutes when the phone rings.

I need for you to stop trying to tell me what to do when you just been working here for a month. For real, you gonna make me snap at you like I did last week. When you were loud and wrong, I let I it slide once, maybe twice, but then your sense of entitlement was just too much I didn’t want to do it, but I had to tell her in the meeting. “Do you mind if somebody who actually knows something talks?” It was hilarious. Its fun being a jerk, especially when the target deserves my jerkiness.

Okay, I’m done for awhile, but I reserve the right to rant when some ever I feel like it. LOL

Junkie

He woke up in the morning thinking "Hmm.. this aint so bad. I can do this." One hour went by and he was okay. He went for a ride to clear his head, to get his mind off his addiction. When he got back to the crib, he felt the itch again. "I'll just take a shower. I won't think about it." After the shower, he was still looking for his fix. "Sleep will take this off my mind, he thought" but woke up feenin' again. This cold turkey stuff is hard...

Ladies and gentleman, he is I and I am him! I'm a junkie. For real, Saturday and Sunday I was fine, but Monday I was going crazy. My addiction? The Internet.. I was in Gainesville for Jameil's birthday with her and Stace this weekend. We were always doing something Saturday and Sunday, so I didn't really notice. Plus there was a little wifi action at the school and outside the restaurant, but today when Jam was in class? Yo, I just about lost my mind. I was sitting there with no computer and no tv. I was going stir crazy. I was wondering what you all were posting about. I was wondering who sent me an email. I was wondering what the web was saying about Barack and Biden. I would have settled for TV, but that would been like a cokehead smoking weed. I wanted that hard stuff. That interweb...I needed it in my life. It be calling me. My phone internet hasn't been working for months, so I turned the service off. I started to find a library in the area, but I needed the internet to give me directions. My desire got so bad that I did something that I'm ashamed of. Don't tell nobody but... I started to read... a book!!! I know. Rashan don't read. I couldn't help it. It's the only thing that took my mind off that internet!

Okay, I'm being silly. I just got back in town about 4 this morning, so I'm gonna call it a night. Here are a few pictures from the weekend. I have to get my editor to approve the rest before I post them, but I know she likes these. Maybe stories too. Oh yeah, you should ask Stace about the dudes in the women's pants and the documentary that she'll be starring in. I'll be around to check your blogs out soon. Have a good day!

I've Been Concussed

So, I'm on my way to work yesterday when I see the highway sign that says "I-75 8.5 miles. Travel time 16-19 minutes" Usually the sign says 8-9 minutes, so I figure there's an accident up ahead. Traffic starts to slow down right before New Northside Drive, so I decide to take the surface streets pass this accident and hop back on the interstate on Windy Hill Road. Things are going smoothly, as I'm passing through my old hood in Smyrna. I know exactly where I am and how to get back to where I need to be. The windows are up, the ac is blasting and Median's Path to Relief is bumping through my weak speakers. I'm busting a left turn off Power's Ferry when I hear a boom. The rest happened in slow motion. All of a sudden, my car that was turning left is now turning right. My head hits the window and my neck snaps back the other direction. I spin a little bit and wind up with my car on the sidewalk. I look around and see the culprit. It was a non descript white truck, with a Hispanic man with a porn star mustache and dirty painter's clothes. This mutha mutha just hit me. Wait, is he driving off? Lemme get that plate number. But it was too late. He was gone before I could get his information. I ease off the sidewalk and park at the BP down the street. There's a Cobb County police officer chilling in the parking lot. I tell him what happened. He fills out some forms, tells me to wait while he does something in his car. He asked me if I got the plate or if I saw who hit me. I tell him the description of the truck and driver. He says something to the effect of "Good luck trying to catch him." I think but don't say "I'm sorry, next time somebody hits me, I'll have my video camera on to make your job easier." I leave and go to work after calling them to let them know why I'm late.

Get to work, my neck hurts. But it was hurting the other day too. I'm getting old. I'm grumpy, cranky, annoyed, insert adjective here, but I'm alright. My car only has a little scratch on the bumper. The neck thing should go away in a few. I actually forgot that I hit my head on the window. I don't even call my insurance company, because I don't want them raising my rates over some accident that did no damage and will never result in finding the other driver. I work, I send Diva and Jameil some emails for awhile and then I work. Towards the end of the day, it got mad busy and I started feeling worse. My head was now killing me. I just wanted to be home. Got home and took some headache medicine and laid it down and talked on the phone. I felt better for a while after throwing up, but then started thinking what if I have a concussion. I've had a concussion before and it was much worse than what I was feeling, but I checked the webMD joint anyway. Headache - check, nausea - check, feeling groggy - check... OH, NO!!! I'VE BEEN CONCUSSED!!! (that makes a whole lot more sense if you watch WWE wrestling) Then I kept reading, forgetting stuff - not so much. Confusion - nope, repeating stuff over and over - nah, shawty! Okay, so maybe I'm not concussed, but my head hurts again and I'm annoyed. Lemme find this dude and it's gonna be war!!!

On another note, check out my haircut... I'm on the fence on this one. It looks aiight, but I think he messed up my tape... At least I don't look like my head hurts. I don't know, just an excuse to post a picture of myself. LOL

Thursday Thirteen: Rashan's Favorite Hip Hop Albums

I don't feel like doing a long preamble to the post. This is what it is.... My 13 Favorite Hip Hop Albums (and some extras at the end).

1. NAS - ILLMATIC
A perfect album. The beats are on point. The lyrics are amazing. It's just an enrapturing album that keeps me drawn in from the beginning to the end. It's kinda of short, but that keeps it from having a bunch of unnecessary filler tracks. I still listen to this at least once a month.

2. RAEKWON - ONLY BUILT 4 CUBAN LINX
Another perfect album. Call this one 1B. Rza's beats were top notch. The wordplay between Raekwon and Ghostface (and all the other members of WuTang to a lesser degree) seems like the most natural thing ever. It's a cinematic album. The story telling makes it seem like a movie on CD. Another at least once a month joint.






3. THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G. - READY TO DIE

I remember when I first copped this joint. I wasn't really a fan of the first single, "Juicy." I took a chance and boy was I rewarded. Biggie was the illest. I often wonder how ill he could have been if he wasn't killed. I'm pretty sure I can recite every lyric on this with or without a beat.




4. OUTKAST - AQUEMINI
I had a hard time deciding which Outkast album to put on this list. Between Aquemini and Atliens, you can't go wrong. I chose this one mostly because it has "Liberation" on it. 'Kast is so much more than just the Southern perspective, although they do that too. These brothers have something to say, even when dealing with familiar topics. Pure lyricism.

5. A TRIBE CALLED QUEST - MIDNIGHT MARAUDERS

Another hard choice for me.. I like all the Tribe albums, especially the first 3. I chose this one mostly because of where I was when it came out. I remember bumping this joint almost daily in my VW Fox while riding around Savannah State's campus. The beats are melodic and diverse. The lyrics are dopeness personified. And they just give off a vibe of being cool cats. I love Tribe. I even named my blog after one of their albums (even if it's not as good as this album.)

6. MOBB DEEP - THE INFAMOUS
This joint came out of nowhere. I don't even remember how I first heard this. It probably was from "Shook Ones." But Havoc and Prodigy were spitting that thug stuff without mercy on this album. The production was surprisingly tight especially considering how young they were when this came out. Even though I'm far from a thug, I still like to get my tough guy on and rhyme along with this joint. Don't believe me? Check out this video from a couple of years ago! (excuse the shoddy camera work I was driving. Also don't listen while at work.)




7. JAY Z -REASONABLE DOUBT

I remember being in Best Buy one day and trying to find a new cd to cop. I saw this joint and was a little torn. I had only heard one song, and though I liked it, I had recently been burned by buying an album off the strength of one song. Something told me to go for it. I took it home and gave it a quick listen and liked it. Then I listened to the lyrical ability of this cat I had never really heard of before. Sure the topics were the same, but the metaphors and similes were so much better than most. Never woulda thought he would have ever became a big star. I figured Jay would be one of those cats that I liked, but nobody else gave any shine. Glad I was wrong.

8. SNOOP DOGGY DOGG - DOGGYSTYLE
My west coast pick. This is another classic. Dre's production was crisp and Snoop's delivery was the best it's ever been. Heavy rotation for like 2 years. I'll still pull it out from time to time when I need a fix. So many classic and popular songs on this one.







9. KANYE WEST - LATE REGISTRATION

One of the newest albums on the list. I've always been a Kanye fan. Even when he was just producing. The beats he picked for this album were perfect for his flows. The lyrics were clever and the braggadocio to me hearkened back to that old school hip hop, with an updated feel.




10. LITTLE BROTHER - THE MINSTREL SHOW
"Dope beats, dope rhymes. This hip hop really ain't that hard." - That's what this album is to me. Dope beats, dope rhymes. LB is one of my favorite current groups. Phonte is one of the illest lyricists in the game now.



11. PUBLIC ENEMY - IT TAKES A NATION OF MILLIONS TO HOLD US BACK
This was Rashan X's favorite album. It was revolutionary. It was inciting. The beats were frenetic and banging. Chuck D. didn't have the best flow in the world, but it works over the frenetic and banging beats. This was the soundtrack to my discover of my racial identity. (I always knew I was black, but then I realized I was Black! capital B)




12. BOOGIE DOWN PRODUCTIONS - CRIMINAL MINDED
This was 86. It changed the whole rap game. It made rap more lyrical than it used to be. A whole lot more words and more being coherent than rap songs used to have. A little bit of everything on this one. Battle raps, gangster rap, social commentary... whatever you wanted. It was just so different than anything I had heard before.



13. PETE ROCK AND CL SMOOTH - THE MAIN INGREDIENT
I love the production on this joint. The music is very melodic, but still with the elements of hip hop: boom bap beats, scratching. And Cl was never better lyrically than on this album. I had to put this on the list because the album is just so consistent. It just flows right. You never get that track that you want to skip or that sounds out of place. One of my favorites to chill out to when I still want to listen to hip hop, but don't want cats berating me in their lyrics.

Honorable Mention:



ICE CUBE - DEATH CERTIFICATE


N.W.A. -STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON



ERIC B. AND RAKIM - PAID IN FULL




GANGSTARR - STEP IN THE ARENA



DIAMOND D. - STUNTS BLUNTS AND HIP HOP

I Killed Plies

Charlotte, North Carolina August 10, 2008

I was hanging out with Jameil and some of her friends. The topic of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes’s deaths came up. Somebody, I can’t remember which somebody it was, made the comment that death often comes in threes. I’d heard that before. It was one of the old ladies I worked with at St Joseph’s hospital favorite phrases. Granted, she would know. She often perused the obituaries looking for people she grew up to be dead. In fact, I don’t think she ever read the paper other than to find out about somebody passing. Digression, I know, but that’s what I do. Anyway, it was at this point that I became a potential murderer. I don’t know why I said it, but I did.

“Can number 3 be Plies?” (click here if you don't know who Plies is..)

The room fell silent for a few awkward moments before erupting into laughter. Maybe it really didn’t, and that’s my overactive imagination, but that’s what it seemed like to me. Oh my God, I killed Plies…

Why Plies of all people? I don’t know. I guess he was just in my head from my ride up to Charlotte. It seemed like if it wasn’t Lil Wayne on the radio, it was Plies. He’s pretty ignorant, but I’m not particularly hating on him. To me he’s amusing. I laugh when I hear his inane, profane and mundane lyrics. I chuckle at how since he did Buss it Baby, he now samples other late 80’s music in an attempt to recapture the magic of that hit. It’s mad obvious to me that he’s trying to find his niche amongst the millions of other wack rappers out there. But I don’t hate him. I don’t really want him dead. God, I hope I don’t really have the power of life and death in my tongue. I would hate to be responsible for someone’s death by one of my insensitive jokes.

So, if any of you know Plies, I need you to do me a favor. Be a bodyguard for him. If you see some goons threatening him, get his back. If you see him bout to drink and drive, tell that friends don’t let friends do that. If you see him about to eat a baconator from Wendy’s, educate him on the dangers of trans fat and heart disease. I know thugs don’t really get down with the bungee jumping too tough, but if he does, check his straps. Make sure them platinum teeth are set properly, I don’t want him choking. Okay, maybe that would be a little funny, but for God’s sake, give him the Heimlich!!! I’m saying…don’t let Plies die. I can’t deal with that on my conscience. LOL

PS – What’s the statute of limitations on me speaking death on somebody? Like if he dies in a year, am I still responsible? 5 years? What about 7 years? That sounds like a good legal number! Do I have to carry the weight of my reckless words for the rest of my life? Somebody, please… anybody help me out here! Heaven, I Need A Hug (Gratuitous excuse to post a video. LOL)