fear of punctuation

if you actually read this whole thing you are better than me cuz if i went to someones blog and saw a mass of words with no punctuation i would just be like next this idea just hit me while i was driving home from work and since i dont post anything else i thought i would try this stream of consciousness thing ive been thinking a lot about fears i have my fears just like the next man my current fear is my old fear well kinda i used to be afraid that i would end up like my father addicted to drugs but now my fear is that i will not live up to my full potential like him i sometimes dont know what i was thinking when i do stuff hindsight is indeed 20 20 anyway my father was a brilliant man and id like to think that i am brilliant man too maybe our brainpower just doesnt translate into marketable skills cuz he used to do all kinds of odd jobs when he was smart enough to run a company or be a professor or write the great american novel i feel like i am following the same path although i do like my job its not a career at least not yet and i was doing so much more in my last job but i fall into this trap of becoming comfortable and staying in situations that are not the best for me when i really have the potential to do so much more but i dont know what i want to do can you get paid for making sarcastic comments cuz if you can i would be a freakin millionaire i would never get tired of that job i would do overtime without any qualms but that wasnt the point the point was that i dont know what i want to do with my life which is kinda bad since i am 32 years old and to the point where i should know these things or at least be planning for the future nevertheless i was talking about my fears and i am afraid of other things besides generational curses i am also afraid that i wont be able to have kids for a couple of reasons i think i must be sterile cuz everyone i have sex with seems to get pregnant after we no longer are kickin it i mean when is it going to be my turn to accidentally on purpose knock somebody up i told my last friend that now that we arent kicking it prepare to be pregnant in about 3 months its what they call a happy coincidence i guess just like how every one of my ex girlfriends gained weight while dating me i think i have some sort of gene that makes women not get pregnant and gain weight and stalk er umm i mean be persistent with me i changed that because someone told me that i was flattering myself by saying that i had a bunch of stalkers which i wish was the case but alas it isnt true for instance a girl i used to date 10 years ago found me on myspace and keeps emailing me even after i denied her friend request you know what since i have my real name on this blog she probably is reading this now so let me just say go away veronica we will never be friends and i will not be responding to your emails i dont have no beef but we are not going to be friends or anything else that is my choice and stop trying to change my mind i wonder if i could ever be a stalker i dont think i have the energy for it plus all you have to do is tell me you dont want me and then im gone i dont have a high tolerance for rejection you ever notice how people say one thing but mean another like when someone is like dont call me and then calls you the next day mad cuz you didnt call them like it was all some sort of mind control game that you failed i dont respond well to ultimatums especially in a relationship i have a fear of being controlled i have to be my own man which is why it kills me to ask for help and i will only do it under extreme circumstances like if i owe my bookie or something i dont know why i typed that cuz i dont gamble im too cheap to spend money on something that i have no control over like if lebron sprains his ankle im out of 100 dollars its too risky but wait i was saying something else i guess that kind of applies cuz i was talking about control but im done with that so lets move on im afraid of something else midgets there is a midget at my job and every time i see him i jump a little i know it isnt politically correct but that is my natural reaction i am also afraid that i might have an ice box where my heart used to be i'm so cold i cant believe i just included an omarian song in my post but its true let me say it another way i got that i dont give a fuck in me its stuck in me thats mobb deep have i earned my hip hop pass back anyway i dont see myself opening up to anybody any time soon and i actually am cutting myself off from people left and right i dont really feel like dealing with no one elses bs i got enough of my own thats not like me cuz i was always down to listen to some drama as long as it didnt involve me now im like fuck that shit i dont have the energy maybe thats why i dont read blogs that much anymore cuz im not in the place to offer supportive words or invest caring into what i read its all superfluous to me i dont know if i used that word correctly thats bothering me cuz i am a word nerd and i should really look it up but that would defeat the purpose of my stream of consciousness post so i will just have to let it ride and obsess over it later speaking of obsession i think i am obsessed with moving out of atlanta for some reason i want to move to baltimore even though i never been there well once but i was so drunk/high that i dont remember anything except some big ass club called hammerjacks i think the wire makes me want to live in bmore but if i did aint no way i could live in the hood like that i just need a fresh start i think a couple weeks ago i was really about 5 minutes from just hopping on a greyhound cuz my whip was broken and starting the hell over where nobody knew me i think i was actually depressed i think people use that as an excuse sometimes but for the first time in my 32 years i actually was depressed dont get me wrong ive been sad but i never felt like i wanted to just give up im not talking about suicide cuz i can always find something to live for but i wanted to quit the job, pack my stuff and try again i know since i dont blog much about my personal life or anything anymore that this probably doesnt make sense but shit aint been right since the beginning of november and then when it gets to the point where it is all right some other shit comes and messes it up im due for a break the last week everything has been cool so fingers crossed it will stay that way cuz i cant take much more scratch that thats not true i can take what ever comes my way cuz because what other choice do i have by now if you are still reading you probably think i have finally lost my mind but this is just a creative exercise i'm really no crazier now than i was a few months ago i promise peace everybody have a good day week month until i post again