Thursday Thirteen: 13 Ways I Am NOT Hip Hop

Everybody who knows me, knows that I am hip hop. Yeah, except for when I'm not. Here are 13 ways I am NOT hip hop:


1 Buffy Gilmore in the OC – I be watching some of the whitest shows in the history of television. It doesn’t matter to me. I just enjoy good writing, compelling plots, acting ability. At the same time, I don’t watch a lot of the black shows. It’s not a self hating thing, it’s a them hating thing. I hate wackness and I won’t settle for it just because we are the same race.

2 French Club President – How hip hop is that? I was French Club president in high school. I wish I could still speak French, but I can’t. I remember my French teacher, Mrs. Lebos found me a French rapper’s cd. His name was MC Solaar. I would link stuff, but I’m at work and lazy. He was okay, but I didn’t understand much of what he was saying.

3 Can’t Take That Away From Me – yeah, I know way too many songs from musicals. I don’t even know how I know them, cuz I don’t be watching musicals. But invariably at some point of a conversation, one of Gilbert and Sullivan’s greatest hits may pop in my head. Not very hip hop I know, but if Jigga can sample Hard Knock Life and get a hit, then I can randomly tell people that once you’re a jet you’re a jet to your last cigarette…

4 DJ Overrated On The Wheels of Steel – I really think the DJ gets too much credit. It’s not like back in the day when they would actually produce and scratch. Why do you get props for playing already made music? I can do that. I can put my ipod on shuffle and achieve that. And the talking over the beat? Just mad annoying!

5 Scared of guns – Can I be part of the hip hop culture without owning or ever firing a gun? I guess its even worse that I’m deathly afraid of guns. I have good reasons (almost getting shot 3 times) but I guess that ain’t really hip hop.

6 Radio Ethics – Okay, follow me on this one. Rappers are all about saying whatever they want. I don’t have a problem with that. But I do have a problem with the radio playing all kinds of lewd, profane, and drug promoting music when kids can hear it. The obvious “Lollipop” should by no means be played when kids can hear it. That’s why you got lil 4 year olds talking about giving head and not even knowing it. Or even worse, they do know what they are talking about. If you gonna make a radio edit, then edit it right. If you say mother fu.. its very obvious that the next part is cker. I don’t believe in censorship, but I do believe that there is a time and place for everything.

7 Hate jewelry – Yeah, no bling for me. Even back in the day with the truck jewelry like Slick Rick, I wasn’t interested. Now cats are finding new places to encrust with jewels. It’s ridiculous to me. I really don’t need to see platinum eyelashes with diamond teardrops. You are men, so how about not overdoing it with “Girls Best Friend”

8 No homeboys – I ain’t got no posse, no clique, no crew, no mob, no thugs, no wack dudes that I want to sign to my record label. In fact, all my friends are women. Is that hip hop?

9 Sneaker Pimp – I’m not so much into sneakers. I’ve only owned one pair of Jordans – the first ones Red and Black, but I’ve just never been into them. I know that’s a big part of the hip hop culture. We love our kicks, but that’s just not my steez.

10 Dancing Machine – I can’t dance. Phil Collins 1992. How can I be hip hop when all them cats do is make songs telling me to dance? You know what I’m talking about. I can 2 step, but I’m not about to be walking it out to the left and dip baby dipping while doing the butterfly, uh uh that’s old..lemme see you tootsie roll…

11 Chorus – Harmonizing, sight reading, tuxedo shirt, bowtie, cummerbund, singing Christmas Carols. I did manage to keep it hip hop though. I rocked my box and my pants sagged a little and I pimp walked on the stage. LOL

12 N.E.R.D. – I’m a big fat nerd. I know this, and I don’t accept it, I embrace it. I like being the smartest guy in the room. I like knowing about stuff I’m not supposed to know about. I like being weird, odd, whatever you wanna call it. I’m a proud nerd, but a cool one!

13 Start Snitchin’ – Yeah, I know you ain’t supposed to snitch, but there are some times where dropping a dime is necessary. I’m not saying I would snitch on the weedman, but the crack man? Shooooooot! You kill somebody and confess to me? You better hope that I wanted that person dead too… and there’s no reward… and I don’t think that I could possibly be next. I’m a tell. You my co defendant and it comes down to either you or me going to jail? I’m straight snitchin on you! I’m a be just like Mike Vicks homeboys. I’m a be like OJ’s co –ds? I’m too pretty for jail, dawg!!! LMAO!

Life's A Bitch

Life's a bitch and then you die; that's why we get high/Cause you never know when you're gonna go/ Life's a bitch and then you die; that's why we puff lye/Cause you never know when you're gonna go

Track 3: Life's a Bitch

Okay, I don't know how I feel about this one. I wrote it out and deleted it like 5 times before I just decided fuck it. Either you feel it or you don't. I freestyled this into my phone on the way home from work. The beat in my head was "Roc Boys" off that new Jay-Z album. I listened to it when I got home and made some tweaks so it could be 16 bars, but for the most part its off the top of the dome. It's been awhile since I actually had a coherent freestyle when I was sober, so here it is. If you think its wack, I can respect that, but if you feeling it, go on and hit me up in the comments.

Life's A Bitch (freestyle)

They say that Life is a bitch, and then you die
Have you ever taken a second to ask yourself why?
Why niggas always struggling succumbing to stress
Anesthetize with liquor, Newports and sess
We do what we do in a quest to get high
Escape from our reality, just to get by
While some try to hustle, some just give up
Consider suicide when the rainbow's enuf
Well, if you ask me I gotta let you know
If Life is a bitch, then that bitch's my hoe
I'm a put her on the stroll, she'll be sweeter than honey
Hollerin' bout "Bitch better have my money."
and if Life is a bitch, I'm a pimp her out
Doesn't matter what you and I lament about
See, Life is what you make it, it is what is
For some it's their job, for other's it's their kids
For some it's their God, for others it's their family
Whatever gets you through it, maintain your sanity.
Do what you gotta do to live your life
Cuz you really gonna miss that bitch when you die
I know life can be hard when the stress starts attacking
And you wonder why life is such a bitch when your Black and
Your pockets on a diet and you need to get paid
These girls steady tripping and you need to get laid
And you might be afraid of what's next to come
And the negativity be straight vexing some
What you really oughta do is just look her in her eyes
And say "Bitch, you can't break me. I'm running this life"
Be surprised how your outlook can change in a second, B
Control your own life, and make your own destiny.
They say that life is a bitch and then you die
Well stop calling her a bitch, cuz that bitch is my life.


Next Up: Track 4: The World Is Yours

HipHopCrisy

I'm well past the stage of believing that rapper's personas are actually real; I understand that the tough guy, drug dealing, womanizing, gun toting image is all an act. But I remember when I was 15, listening to the gangsta themed hip hop of the day and thinking that those guys actually were thugs. I didn't realize back then, when I was walking to summer school in the 100 degree heat listening to NWA, The Geto Boys and Too Short on my Walkman that they were really like professional wrestlers: portraying a role for my entertainment. That's why I was weirded out when rap became mainstream and other sides of these artists came out. Even though I know that rappers are real people too, its still bugs the hell out of me when I see them acting contrary to their rap image. For example, "the nigga you love to hate" Ice Cube is doing family movies now. This is the same dude that made an art form of gangsta storytelling. And Ice-T plays a cop on TV. It was bad enough in New Jack City, but at least then he was still edgy. Am I the only one who remembers he made that song "Cop Killer" back in the 90's? Now he makes his living portraying one. It's like hiphopcricy. Rap one thing, do another. This is not a dis; I'm not knocking them for doing whatever they have to further their careers, but it's still a little strange. It also got me to thinking. What will other hip hop artists do that is contrary to their public image?

Will we one day see Mr. Baller, P. Diddy doing commercials for Charles Schwab? I can see it now. He's dancing around on the TV, talking about "save that, save that" and "I thought I told you that my 401k wont stop"

Will Snoop one day eschew his weed smoking ways and do a public service announcement for D.A.R.E?

Will Cam'Ron, who recently said he wouldn't call the police even if he knew a serial killer was living next door to him, one day perform at the Policeman's Ball?

Will Biz Markie show up on Sesame Street teaching kids how to read? Even though they probably already read at a higher grade level than him?

Will Lil Kim team up with Foxy Brown to do commercials for Maybelline? Ignoring the fact that they made their marks in their careers by looking like harlots.

Are we going to see Luke performing his new hit, "Hey, We Want Some Gender Equality!!!" at Spelman?

Will posthumous ads featuring Biggie Smalls and Big Pun run for Slim Fast?

Since Master P is already doing a show on Nickelodeon, so will we soon see Lil Wayne and Baby guest starring on the Disney's "That's So Raven"?

Will the WuTang Clan, after all these years of rapping about the hood, decide to do a commercial for the New York Board of Tourism.

Three words: Kanye West - Senator.

Is Eminem going to be the new spokesperson for Prozac and then set up a domestic violence shelter?

How long before the new Bushwick Bill life sized doll comes out?

Will Fifty Cent do a benefit concert for the Bronx Zoo? Well, that one actually works seeing how kinda looks like a gorilla. LOL

And finally, how long before President Bush decides to use Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" as the theme song for the war on terror? "We got to fight the power that be, whether in Iraq or Afghanistan, or any other Muslim country"

This is ignoring the obvious rapper tie ins like LL doing chapstick commercials or Jay-Z as the new mascot for Camel cigarettes, or Slick Rick as the new spokesperson for Jared's (You crumbs, I got my truck jewelry at Jared's.) I just wonder how many of my flights of fancy will actually come to fruition. You got any to add? Hit me up in the comments.