Thursday, May 29, 2008

Say You Say Me (editted to include the whole story)

Okay, I edited the post to include the entire story. I added some links and stuff too.

May 1st 1988 – Savannah, Georgia

I woke up for school like any other day. The Today Show played in the background as I ate breakfast. For most of my fellow 8th graders, it was set to be a good day. We had our chorus field trip to Downtown Savannah this day. That meant that there would be very little schooling and a whole lot of playing around. It was the annual May Day celebration. May Day was a real corny thing where kids would run around the May Pole with ribbons and stuff (this isn't Savannah, but this is the basic idea) and just generally look a fool. I suppose it was cute if you were of another persuasion. I was going because I was a member of the DeRenne Middle School Chorus. In addition to the elementary aged kids frolicking, all the choruses from the school district would be singing throughout the day. The previous year, I went and found it a very good way to hang out with kids from other schools, which is something I never did. In the preceding months, I anticipated May Day like a kid waiting on Santa. It was, after all, the only day of the school year that I could legally slack off.

But something was in the air this May Day morning. As I put on my freshly ironed baby blue chorus shirt, a feeling of dread took over. I didn’t want to go. I violently did not want to go. Why, you ask? My trepidation was a result of what I had to do when I got there: Sing a solo. Now this may not seem like a big deal to some of you, but since my move to Savannah 2 years previous, I had been affected by a crippling shyness. People didn’t get me, and rather than over power them with my personality, I retreated. I was able to speak to classmates and people I knew, but getting to know new people was not on the agenda. For the past few weeks during rehearsals, I belted out the song like nobody’s business. Say You, Say Me by Lionel Richie. We were doing it as a duet and it probably would have made more sense to sing Endless Love if we just had to sing some Li-o-nel stuff. It was me and De.dr.a Wr.ight. (pause for drooling.) She was the prettiest girl in class. Dedra had this long black hair and a shy smile that could light up a room. (I’ll see if I can find a picture when I get home.) For some reason I wasn’t shy when we were practicing in the chorus room, located in a trailer towards the back of the school. I hit my notes, I nailed our hand choreography, I mastered the “oh so sincere” R&B cat look. I was ready. Me and Dedra were gonna turn some heads down in Johnson Square…

I sat silently on the bus as we rode across town to school. I mentally rehearsed the song which by now I knew like the back of my hand. My stomach started hurting at the prospect of standing up in front of all those strangers and singing. The pain didn't stop as I went to Mr. Aliffi's homeroom class. I remember that people were talking to me, but I was paying them any attention. I went to first period, I don't remember what class that was, and then it was time for our field trip. I headed to the chorus room where we were all meeting up. My homeboys Chavon and Derrick were waiting for me there. They were far better singers than I, but they didn't hold that against me. They were encouraging about my solo. We sat and talked in our matching baby blue chorus shirts.

"You ready, Rashan?"
"I think so. I know the song, I'm just nervous."
"No need to be nervous. All them honeys from the other schools are gonna be watching. Just sing to one of them."

That wasn't really helping. In fact that made me even more nervous. I had resigned myself to the fact that parents and politicians would be watching, but cute girls? Did I mention how painfully shy I was? It really was quite pathetic. I didn't know if I could go through with it. The chorus got on the bus and headed to downtown Savannah, practicing our songs. The chorus teacher, whose first name was Robin, but whose last name I can't remember directed us. Some of the songs we were singing were "The Rose", "Fifty Nifty" (Fifty Nifty United States from thirteen original colonies,Shout 'em, scout 'em, Tell all about 'em, One by one,til we've given a day to every state in the USA in the USA in the USA - I remembered these lyrics before I looked them up. LOL) and Body Electric. Oh, yeah... and my solo that I so did not want to do.

The sun was beaming down that late Savannah morning. I don't know the temperature, but I do know I was sweating. We watched the kids running around the may pole and eye stalked the girls from the other middle school chorus. Then it was time for our performance. We got into place on the risers and waited for our introduction. The mayor introduced us, so it was mad crowded with onlookers. As we did our first few songs, my mind was wandering in anticipation of my solo. My choreography was off. I was pretty much lip synching because I just couldn't concentrate on anything but that damn Lionel Richie song. How did I let them talk me into this? I'm a background singer. I'm not the star. Then it came time for me and Dedra's song.

We were supposed to walk to the two microphone stands that stood in front of the rest of the chorus. I say supposed to because, although Dedra walked down, I froze. I was literally paralyzed by stage fright. I tried, but I couldn't move. Chavon and Derrick kept nudging me, but I couldn't move. It was mad uncomfortable. *crickets chirping* The chorus teacher Robin ??? mouthed at me to come on, I shook my head no. That's all I could manage. Luckily, Chavon knew the song and took my place. It was probably for the best. He was way better than me anyway. After the song was over, I was just fine. I did the rest of our chorus performance like nothing happened. The little gay choreography was on point, I hit all the harmony like I was supposed to, I even "sang with a smile" like Robin used to always tell us to do.

On the ride home, I got teased a little, but not relentlessly. Everybody was too busy praising Chavon and Dedra for their performance. I was just relieved that it was over. That's right, ol scary Rashan punked out. Did I mention how much I hate that damn song? If I don't ever hear "Say You, Say Me" again in my life, it'll be just fine.

Okay, I'm off to try to repress this memory. Talk to you later. LOL!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

I Could Never Run For Office

This was sparked by an incident that just happened. It's strange how my brain goes from one simple thought, to this monstrosity of a blog post.

I was at the local QT filling up the Buick with $58.87 of regular unleaded. I'm cleaning out the car while the gas pumps when this SUV pulls up next to me. At first I'm looking like, who is this rolling up on me and go for my gun...I be lying. I don't have a gun. I'm just kidding. Anyway, I was like why is this truck so close to me? The window rolls down and these two middle aged white women start looking at me. I ignore them and continue to gather up all the little scraps of gum wrappers that seem to magically accumulate under the passenger seat, when I accidentally make eye contact...

"Sir, can you help us out on gas?"
"Nah, I ain't got it."
"You sure you can't spare a few gallons?"
"A few gallons? Most people beg for change. How you gonna ask a complete stranger for a few gallons? That's 12 dollars." I know, I'm a jerk!
"Come on, sir!"
"Sorry, I ain't got it."

As they drove away, the first thought in my head was this: what has the world come to when white people are asking me for money and calling me sir? Yeah, I could never run for office. I think I'm kind of racist cuz that ish made me feel good. Like I had overcome. I know that's not right, but that's the real. I got racist tendencies, I think we all do. I'm not racist like I hate other races, but I damn sure don't downplay the differences between us. As much as people like to homogenize our so called melting pot, Black people are different than White people are different than Asians are different than Latinos. Politicians have to pretend that's not the case. Well, except for Hillary. You know she is the White America's candidate. (perhaps she misspoke again. LOL) As much as I admire Barack Obama, it couldn't be me. I would be calling cats out for their racism. Consequently, I wouldn't get elected. But that's not the only reason I couldn't run for office.

The whole character issue in politics would preclude me from seeking public office. While I'm living legally now, there was a time when I would just as easily take your stuff as talk to you. Matter of fact, don't cross me, cuz I may not be fully rehabilitated yet. LOL. I fashioned myself as a modern day Robin Hood. I would rob from the rich and give to the poor. The poor in most cases just so happened to be me. There were just certain items back in the day that I couldn't fathom paying for. For examples, batteries. Why should I pay for batteries when it is so easy to just open the package and slide them in my pocket? And condoms. I'm the reason that Kroger has them things locked up now a days. Them joints were expensive to a poor college student and who wanted to spend all day in the clinic getting those cheap unlubricated Li.festyles in the grey packages that they gave out. That's not to say that other politicians don't steal, but they did/do it on a totally different scale. When I did my dirt my hands actually got dirty.

What about the drugs? Some politicians will admit that they smoked a little weed, but they always do in regretful tones. I can't bring myself to apologize for doing something that most people try in their younger years. I don't think weed was a mistake. Nobody got hurt from me burning a few blunts. I never had to perform illicit sexual acts to get high, so what's the big deal? Weed, in my opinion shouldn't even be illegal. If I can get drunk legally, why can't I get high legally? (thats another post for another time.) And though I haven't actively smoked the wacky tobacky since April 24th, 1999, I'd be lying if I said that I never wanted to do it again. Weed is from the earth...God put this here for me and you...take advantage man...take advantage. If I ran for office, they probably would find my blog and read about all my high adventures. Let me itemize some of them for you just to make it easier for my opponents... There's this story.... and this one... and can't forget about this one... You want more just go through my archives. Go ahead and disqualify me from the race right now. LOL

You know how I said I be lying? Well, I don't be lying when it comes to saving peoples feelings. I've been accused of being insensitive. I know that's not the ideal quality for someone in public office, but I can't help it. I call stupid by its name: STUPID!!! I don't have the gene that tells me to sugarcoat stuff. If you do something dumb, why am I the wrong one for telling you it's dumb? Empathetic? Not so much, but that's me. Yet another reason I couldn't run for office. (Along these same lines, I think that once you reach a certain threshold, certain rights should be taken away. If you have 7 kids and none of your baby daddies are taking care of their children, you should lose the right to have sex with whoever you choose. I think the government should pick your next coitus partner and your tubes should be forcibly tied. Just an example. LOL)

Finally, this one is not a joke at all. I can try to make it funny, but it wont work. I believe that the inherent design of capitalism is flawed. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer. In order to keep the system going, exploitation of the working class is tolerated, if not encouraged. That's why you have the majority of the country's wealth residing in a disproportionately small elite group. I'm no economist and I don't have any facts or figures to back this up, although a quick Google search may yield some answers. But this I know in my heart, supply and demand without checks or regulation will never completely work. Without some sort of intervention, what you will have will be an aristocracy profiting from the labor of the working class until the working class finally revolts against their oppressors. I'm not saying its gonna happen anytime soon, and America does have certain checks that prevent it from being as bad as it could be, but I personally think we need more. We need things like Universal Health Care, and educational standards. It's not as radical an idea as it may sound. I'm not a communist, although I did think I wanted to be one as a teenager, but I do believe that we can't solely allow the doctrine of supply and demand dictate our country.

Take it back to the anecdote I presented to start this post. Gas is $3.88 per gallon. It's not because there isn't enough oil in the world. It's because the oil producing nations are limiting their production of said oil. Supply and demand is dictating the prices. It seems that the rest of the world is now following America's capitalist lead. Can we really blame them for wanting to make money? After all, that's what America stands for, right? Bet you didn't think I could get deep. I'm not all jokes and sarcasm...

But lets get back to the sarcasm. I couldn't be an elected official. It just wouldn't work for me. Telling people what they want to hear has never been my strong point. I'm not gonna apologize and pretend that I didn't mean to to do the bad stuff that I did for the sake of an election. That's not me. I'd rather present the real me, flaws and all. I know that will never win me a popularity contest of an election, but I'm okay with that. We got enough unqualified people holding public office. Why should I throw my hat into the ring?

Monday, May 26, 2008

My Half Birthday Wishlist

It was pointed out to me yesterday that May 25th was my half birthday. 6 months until my 34th. I know that some people are gonna say that's mad old, son... but you know what? It is what it is. Old is a state of mind, and I don't feel old, so let's have no more discussions of that. LOL. I still look youthful enough to get carded, gray strands of hair on my beard not withstanding. So, I'm 33 and a half today. 12236 days old (factoring the 8 leap years that have occurred since the world was blessed by my presence my birth.) 1742 weeks. 402 months. That's cause for celebration, don't you think? Even if you don't, indulge me, cuz that's kinda the point of the post.

Usually my birthdays are wack. I don't hardly receive any presents which is partially my fault because I don't want to put people out, so I tell them not to spend too much money on me. It also has to do with my birthday being a month before Christmas. People tend to combine birthday and Christmas. One more thing, I sometimes alienate people with my anti social behavior. I know shocking right? I mean just because I can't be bothered to hang out with you every week, is no reason you can't spend all of your hard on funds to commemorate the day I escaped from my mothers uterus was born, right? And the celebrations? For the most part they are understated affairs. Stuff I could have done on any Friday or Saturday. For example, my last birthday? Read about it here, but it was supposed to be so much more. My people allegedly planned a party for me, but since I was still in Savannah post Thanksgiving, the whole thing fell through. But I don't think it was really too much of a party anyway. For one thing, the guest list was the same old people that I see all the time. Not that I don't like them, but to me, a party indicates that its gonna be more than just 4-6 people drinking. Where were the women, the new work friends, the people that I like that you don't necessarily know? I'm just saying, if its a party, then at least let me have some input on the guest list.

Okay, I'm done ranting. I know I have 6 months before my actual birthday arrives, but I wanna do it differently this year. It'd be nice for once to actually to get stuff or have a party. So, I'm gonna plan my own joint this year. This is my birthday wish list. Some of the stuff is serious, other stuff is tongue in cheek. Again, just indulge me...

A GPS system: Yo, for real. I need this like a Flavor of Love contestant need penicillin. I get lost in so many different ways its ridiculous. Even when I have the directions, stuff still goes wrong. For example Saturday, I was headed to the Blue Room for some grown and sexy clubbing. I had the directions, followed them to a tee, but when I got to Old Peachtree Rd... there was a cement wall in the street and a sign that said "Road Closed." Try as I might I couldn't find another way on to the street, so I basically drove around lost for awhile. When I finally found the spot, it was nowhere near the where the online directions led me. Just another example of why I need a GPS in my life.

A Vacation: Anybody want me to come visit them? LOL I need to get outta of Georgia for a minute. I haven't really been anywhere in the last couple of years with the exception of Savannah. The last time I think was when I went to Dallas for my cousin's wedding. I always find a reason not to go. Someone's sick or needs to borrow some money or I don't wanna go by myself or I don't have anymore vacation time or whatever other excuse I can think of. Forget all of that. I need to be out.

A Blogger Hookup: I know lots of people probably think that its unhealthy to talk to bloggers offline as much as i do, but I disagree. . You bloggers are some interesting, intelligent, cool people. I don't mind at all talking to, emailing, IM'ng (although I haven't logged in awhile) to bloggers. The same thing goes for meeting you guys. I'm all for it. My birthday would be a great time for someone to coordinate a trip to ATL. There's plenty of other stuff to do here, so if you have to tell yourself that you are not coming just for me, that'll help you out too. LOL

A Watch: I need a watch, but I'll never buy it for myself, thus the reason for putting it on my birthday list. The last one I had was given to me by my last ex girlfriend. That was mad years ago. The battery died, then I lost it the last time I moved. I'm not even talking about an expensive watch, and I know I could buy one at anytime, but I won't. I'm tired of having to look at my phone every time I want to know what time it is.

Clean out my closet: I can already hear someone getting excited at this prospect. But there's a catch. Said person would not only have to get rid of all the stuff that needs to go, but they would have to replace it for me. I don't mean that they would have to pay for the new clothes, but they would be responsible for telling me what to buy. I'll be your own personal blank slate. Just don't have me
looking crazy in a Gordon Gartrelle. LOL

Gift Cards, Gift Cards, Gift Cards: I know these are the lazy man's gift, but I love them. I can get what I want when I want it. Bes.t Bu.y, I, hell, just go to so I can just get what I want without going to the store. The only thing that sucks about gift cards is when you get them from different stores. Like I got $25 to and $25 to Then I gotta go to 2 different stores, and you know how much I hate that. The moral of the story? Coordinate gift card purchases. LOL.

Music: Don't get me your homeboy's new CD. Repeat: DO NOT GET ME YOUR HOMEBOY'S NEW CD! I'm a bit of a music snob, which is just a fancy way of saying, I don't like wack shit.
I'm allergic to wackness - c - Talib Kweli 2007. But you know what I would like? Some classic music box sets. You know like B.ob M.arley, Cur.tis M.ayfield, stuff like that. But not just black music. I'll take some Sina.tra or To.ny Benn.ett. Stuff I like, but would never buy for myself.

A Flask: Just cuz I think they are cool. I don't really drink like that (although my head would disagree with me after last night) but I still want one.

Electronics: I need an upgrade on just about every piece of electronic equipment I have: the ipod, the PS2 (which I haven't used in about a year. Wii, anyone?) I never replaced my TV that was murdered by lightning, I need a new video card for my CPU, the digital camera is a few years old... you get the point. Anybody wanna hook me up some electronical (I'm aware that's not a real word) goodness?

A Real Party: I already complained about this earlier, but I don't wanna go to a club, or hang out with a few friends, I want an all out bash. A roomful of people there just for my entertainment. Maybe I'll wait for my 35th for this one.

Go ahead and tell me I'm ridiculous. I don't care. LOL. I know I have 6 months before my birthday, but I'm the worlds biggest procrastinator. If I don't put this out here now, next thing I know it'll be November 23 and I'll have just 2 days to beg for gifts until my birthday. And for the record, I'm not so deluded that I actually think you are gonna get me stuff. "I'm just kidding like Jason...unless you gonna do it." Wow, I just quoted Nelly, so I know its time to get off this blog and go to sleep. Have a good Memorial Day. I'm a be at work doing nothing, so I'll check all your blogs then. One!

PS... I forgot to tell this, but it didn't fit in with any of my posts. Thursday I'm at work, about to go to lunch. I look down at my feet and realize that I have on 2 different shoes. On my left was my brown loafer type shoe, on my right, a black lace up more casual shoe. I don't know how I managed to do that. I actually thought I was looking good that day until I saw that. Why didn't anybody tell me? LOL

Saturday, May 24, 2008

I Shoulda Rolled Solo

Please forgive the tense changes...I was sleepy when I wrote this and don't feel like going back to change past tense to present tense or vice versa....

So, the Ery.kah B.adu and Ro.ots concert was tonight. I went with an old acquaintance named Marina. She was my last minute companion as my other plans fell through. Let me back up for a minute.

Originally, when I bought the tickets, I had no idea who I was gonna go with. I wasn't dating anybody at the time, but I figured that in the month span, someone would pop up on my radar. As it became obvious to me that wasn't going to happen, I came up with my back up plan. I was gonna go with my sister. She was the one that introduced me to The Ro.ots back in the '90s and I know she hardly ever goes out without her kids. I figured it would be cool. We used to do stuff like that a lot. We've been to a couple of Pri.nce concerts together, taken a couple of trips to Chicago together (my brother came too once), so I figured that it would be cool to hang with my big sis before she moves next month. Unfortunately, her kid's grandmother died this week, so she had to go out of town to take them to be with her ex husbands family in the country somewhere. So, I was back to square one. I found out about this on Tuesday night.

That left me 3 days to find someone to go with. Well, really 2 because I forgot for most of Wednesday. I thought about who I wouldn't mind hanging out with for 3 hours and came up with a short list. My work crush couldn't get the day off of work (she works until 10 like me.) My other work homey was going out of town. Kristie had stuff to do. I went to bed Thursday night/Friday morning not knowing who I was gonna roll with. I wasn't really stressing it, but I probably should have had a greater sense of urgency. Woke up Friday afternoon, like 6 hours before the show and remembered that Marina really liked Badu. I sent her a text, which she promptly returned saying she wanted to go. Now, to be honest, I hadn't talked to Marina for like 4, 5, 10 months. I only had her number still because it was written on a book of matches that I haven't used from like 2 years ago. Anyway, she was down, so my search was over.

I went to get my haircut, (pictures when I feel like uploading them) and while I was in the chair, Marina called me to confirm. I told her it was on and that I would call her when I got out the barbershop (this is not the actual barber that cut my hair, but he works in the same shop.) She called 2 more times before I was done. The first time I answered and told her I was still getting my line up, the next I was like "what have I gotten myself into?" I remembered why I had stopped calling her. Marina is one of those people that need instant gratification. She will keep calling until you pick up. While if the nature of our relationship was different, I could possibly give her a pass, we weren't that kind of friends. Eventually, I just stopped answering altogether and she stopped trying. But dumb Rashan just had to rekindle the friendship fires.

Leaving the barbershop, I called her. We came up with a place to meet. I wasn't planning on driving to the Fox, I was gonna take the train. She lives out in Cobb County, I'm out in DeKalb, so it didn't make sense for one of us to drive across town to pick the other up. We made plans to meet at the Marta station at 7:30. I went home to print out the tickets, (yes, I know I should have done that way before now), and my printer is not working. I switch it out with my old cheap printer, and that one is out of ink. Not knowing anyone nearby with a computer, I went to Fe.d.ex/Ki.nk.os to print the tickets. Marina calls me again. She asks if we can meet somewhere else. I'm like whatever. Just get there. Tickets are printed, and all of a sudden the skies open up and monsoon like rainshowers fall. I treacherously drive home, iron my clothes, jump in the shower and I'm ready to go. Marina calls yet again: This time she's telling me that it'll be 8 before she gets there. That's what time the show started, but I understood. The rain made traffic a little worse than usually, and when you throw in the Memorial Day traffic, its just that much worse. So, I drive to the Avondale train station. Park my joint, find the right train and get there like 7:45. By then the rain had stopped falling, so that was good.

Marina calls again. She is supposedly looking for a parking lot that isn't full (there are no trains out in Marietta). I see the line in front of the Fox and know that I'm already gonna miss some of the show. Marina finds a spot and calls me and tells me where she is. I walk down to her to meet her halfway... we hug hello and I usher her as quickly as possible to the door. It's now 8:15....and we aren't even inside yet. (This is getting too long, so the rest of the post will be on fast forward)

I see some people I know in line... Say what's up, give dap and hugs... Didn't introduce Marina... Marina introduces herself as "Shawn's date."... Resist urge to ask what that was about... get inside... Marina talks me to death... "I don't know this song"... "What'd she say?"... "Is that incense?"... no its weed...Thinking to myself, "shut up and listen" or "I know I can't hear you, but that's no reason to grab my shoulder and yell in my ear."... See some more people I know...give them the head nod...Marina sits closer to me...damn near on my lap... wonder how she managed to get that close with the armrest being there...Marina asks me more questions that I can't's over...get ready to leave...someone steps on her shoe...exaggerated limping...wish she would suck it up and stop making a spectacle of herself...walk her to her car...tells me she had a great time...she misses her friend...I should call her more often...I'm thinking see you in another 4, 5, 10 months you annoying annoying woman...feel like a big loser for having to reach waaaaaaay back in the archives to find someone to go with...get over it quickly...get a text from work crush asking me about the concert... find out that the coworkers are going to Ve.lvet for the after party...hop on the train back to Decatur...Get to the car...Marina called to tell me she was home...decide to pass on the club for the evening...come some movies...have some conversations...write a long ass blog post....the end....

Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention this: The concert was great!!! More on the actual show later, or not. We'll see.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

I Be Lying

Something's wrong with my comments. I have to hit refresh a few times before they come up. If that happens, go ahead and leave your comment please, but don't be yelling out First, because you may actually be 6th.

Random Rap Lyric That Has Nothing To Do With The Post But Is Stuck In My Head:

I'm packin weight like Nina Simone, Piano flow/It's like a Michaelangelo/ painted a portrait of Maya Angelou/And gave it to a sick poet for they antidote/If music gets you choked up this is the tree and a rope

Kanye West "Get By (Remix)"

You wanna know something about me? I be lying. Like all the time. I make stuff up constantly. Then I say it to get a reaction. Once the desired reaction is achieved, then I tell you that I be lying. You don't believe me? Ask Jameil. She knows I be lying. I've lost count of the many lies I've told and then recanted in the the last couple of weeks. Like the one where I told her I was gonna go see another blogger. Got her to believe me, then I was like, "sike (or is it psyche?)" I be lying. Or the lie I told my people at work. They were asking me where such and such was. I told them she quit. They believed me. The next minute, I told them the truth. I had no idea where the girl was. See, I be lying.

I love to lie on my blog too. I remember the first time I really told a whopper on my blog. It was this post. Had people believing me that I fell in love with some girl I just met in the club. Then I flipped it on them. That was some fun stuff. It may be wrong but I enjoy manipulating people's emotions. Dance puppet, dance! But I'm not malicious with it. I could probably drag out in perpetuity, but my intentions are never to mislead you for a long time. I just want to see how many people I can fool. I pledge to you, if I ever write a post that isn't the 100% gospel truth, you'll know it before you get to the comments. I did it here... and here... and here. Oh yeah, and here Okay, not all of these were lies, per se, but they definitely were designed to fool you. But in all of these posts, I let you know it was made up.

The problem with me lying so much is that people never know what to believe. I get that. 17 times bitten, 18 times shy. I guess because some of the stuff that happens in my life is so unbelievable, that in conjunction with my proclivity for temporary falsehoods, it makes some people think that all of my ish is made up. But for real, son? I couldn't make this stuff up. If I could, then maybe I could actually finish one of those damn novels/screenplays I've been working on my entire adult life. (Anybody else watch Family Guy? If so, remember this scene about the novel? Hilarious, but so descriptive of me.) I know I be lying, but believe me when I tell you that no matter where I go, crazy will follow me. I don't be lying about that. That's one of life's truisms. If there is crazy to be found, Rashan will find it. Someone asked me how I can even function with all the craziness surrounding me. Really, at this point, I hardly even notice it. Wait, now that's a lie. I do notice it, but it doesn't bother me. It's just expected. This is totally not what I intended to write. Let me get back on track.

The ultimate point of this post was that I be lying. Lying to myself even. I live in denial. There are lots of things that I know in my heart that I deny with my mouth. It's like if I don't speak about it, it doesn't exist. No matter how many times people try to get me to admit what I already know, I won't do it. Lying to myself is much easier than dealing with the ramifications of the truth. I've decided that I'm gonna stop that. No more self delusions for me. I'll admit to myself, just as an example, that maybe I am doing something to make people act nutty towards me. I don't know what it is, but it can't just be a coincidence. Or I'll be truthful with myself and admit that maybe I do say something to get people to form unhealthy attachments to me. Again, I don't know what it is, but that also can't be a coincidence. I don't know. I be lying so much that I don't even know what's true anymore. LOL. I'm gonna work on that.

Or not.. You know I be lying!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Confessions: I Hit A Girl

The rage boiled in my throbbing brain and before I knew it, I was grabbing her. Fists balled up, I let loose with a left hand that landed squarely on her temple. I knew I was not supposed to put my hands on a female, but I had to assert myself as a man. No more would I tolerate her disrespect...

I'm getting ahead of myself. If you read my comments on Diva's post yesterday, then you already know what I'm writing about. This isn't some domestic violence story; its the story of how me and my sister became cool. I guess I should start at the beginning...

My sister had terrorized me for as long as I can remember. She is two years older than me and always asserted her role as the oldest. My role as the younger brother meant that she could antagonize me whenever the mood struck. It could be something as simple as turning off the Atari when I was about to beat her high score or something as violent as throwing a can of soup at my head. I remember once when we still lived in New York, she tore my Whodini poster off the wall for no good reason (that I can remember.) When I had the nerve to talk back about it, she ripped it to shreds, laughing at me with her friend Sherri. That's what I lived with for many years. I seem to remember her also banging my head on a coffee table, but the physical pain was nothing compared to the hurt I felt at being humiliated by my sister.

All my life, I was told not to hit girls. Matter of fact, I don't know if it was something that had to be told to me more than once. For the most part, I was a good kid and never overtly disobeyed my mother's life lessons. So, instead of fighting back when my sister slapped both my ears and yelled "Stereo!", I just took it. For 13 long years, I was her punching bag. Until this Wednesday night in Savannah, Georgia.

I remember it was a Wednesday because Magnum PI was on. That was my favorite show at the time. It came on at the same time as Dynasty, her favorite show. By this time, we had escaped from New York and were living in the Dirrrty at my grandmother's house. The house was full of 4 generations of women: Grandma Cleo (my great grandmother), my grandmother, my mother and my sister. Throw in me and my little brother, and we had a packed 3 bedroom house. We didn't have our own bedrooms. My sister slept in the living room, I slept in the family room, Lord knows where my brother slept: I think in the room with my mother. Over the years, we had many different sleeping arrangements, from couches, to sofa beds, to cots, to palettes on the floor. I guess that's why I can sleep anywhere now. I don't need a bed to fall asleep, I didn't really have my own until I was in my 20's. But I digress, although its not a total digression, because I needed you all to get the picture of how the house was laid out. There was no privacy, no retreating to your bedroom when you got an attitude. I suppose we could have gone to the garage to sulk, but with the flying roaches and the Savannah humidity, that was really a last option. Let me move on...

At the time, the only color tv that we had access to was in the family room. My sister and I used to fight to get control of the TV after Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy went off and my grandmother retreated to her room (which by the way had a TV with cable.) We had to be pretty sneaky to be the first in the room. Whoever finished their homework first, was more than likely gonna be handed the remote after Alex Trebek dipped. This Wednesday night, I was the victor. I watched Unsolved Mysteries at 8 o clock, but was really just waiting for Magnum to come on at 9. I had control of the TV, the night was mine. At 8:57, my sister came in the room and grabbed the remote from me. She turned to channel 4 like she was gonna watch Dynasty.

Normally when this would happen, I would just go to the other room and watch Magnum on the cheap black and white TV with the rabbit ears. But this night, something came over me. I didn't want to acquiesce to my sister. I wanted to watch Magnum on the big TV. I earned it. I sat through the local news with that annoying Dou.g We.athers as well as Wheel and Jeopardy and darnit, I was in control of the TV (that was the phrase we used.) Why should my big sister just waltz in here and take what I rightfully earned? She's been doing this my whole life, but enough is enough.

At first I told her to give me the remote. Not surprisingly she refused. This went on for a few minutes. "Gimme the remote" "No" "Nikki, Gimme the remote" "No." Then I decided to take it by force. At 13, I was bigger than she was at 15 and I figured I could just snatch it from her. How bout she had a death grip on that remote. It took far more effort than I thought to get it from her, but I finally did. I turned to channel 9 and just caught the opening credits of my show. Thinking it was over, I sat back on the sofa and relished my small victory. That's when Nik walked up to the tv, and unplugged it. Word? You gonna do it like that? I was getting mad. I went and plugged the tv back in, leaving the remote in the spot that I was just sitting. She picked it up and turned right back to Dynasty. Another struggle ensued; Her gripping the remote, me trying to pry it out of her hands. And then she did it... My loving sister swung the remote control at me. This was like 1988 and it wasn't one of those small ones that are out now. It was a huge, industrial strength remote. And it hit me right upside my head.

The rage boiled in my throbbing brain and before I knew it, I was grabbing her. Fists balled up, I let loose with a left hand that landed squarely on her temple. I knew I was not supposed to put my hands on a female, but I had to assert myself as a man. No more would I tolerate her disrespect. I threw punches like a madman, some landed, others missed. I wasn't really hitting Nikki, I was punching away the years of torture I experienced at her hands. When it was over (and I can't remember who broke it up) I felt relieved. I didn't get to watch Magnum that night, but I got something that much better: my dignity!

From that point on, my sister and I have been mad cool. I can't recall a single argument after that day. We actually became friends. I remember when I went to high school, she was a junior. There was a tradition at my high school that the upper classmen would take the freshmen's drawers. It was kinda like a wedgie, except they would pull them so hard that the elastic band would break. It always seemed kinda gay to me, but that was what they did. I didn't have to worry about anybody trying me, because my sister had her friends look out for me (well, that and the fact that I dressed in all black and kept a mean mug like Cube and 'em for my entire freshman year.) When she went to college at Spelman, I used come to Atlanta to hang with her and her cool college friends. When I was a broke college kid, her and her boyfriend at the time drove to Savannah, to pick me up for a Prince concert and then drove me back the same night so I could take my finals. When I moved to Atlanta, she let me and my girl stay with her until we got on our feet. The list can go on and on. We really have been nothing but cool since that night.

Although we have our Don't ask, Don't tell policy, I know that if I ever need anything, Nikki has my back. And that goes both ways. Whatever she needs, she got it. I wonder if we would have been this cool if I never fought back and let her run over me for my entire life. And that's the story of how one night changed my relationship with my sister forever.

BTW, I know I went a little link crazy with all the YouTube joints...

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

SFLAT*: The Love Joint

...if you're too young, with the hypest body/I just don't go to a Similac party/So all those of age, we can get intimate/Bumper to bumper, so you can get your fender bent/I treat girls just like pastry/Mmmmmmmmm *smacks lips* Tasty!

Big Daddy Kane - "Cause I Can Do It Right" 1990

That has nothing do with the post, it just popped in my head...

*SFLAT=Sucka For Love Ass Trick....

I refuse to be a SFLAT again. I've been there, done that, got the scar tissue around my heart to prove it. What's love good for anyway? Everybody wants to be in love. "I love you." "You're the love of my life." Well I say forget all that. Love don't really love me no matter how much I love love. I mean, love makes you do stuff you said you would never do. It compromises your principles, it makes you weak and vulnerable, it replaces rational thought with emotional babble.

I can make people fall in love with me. That's not a problem. Just a couple of years ago, no less than 4 different bloggers people told me they loved me. But what does that mean anyway? Love, like time is fleeting. The one that loves you today will show you no love the next. They love to profess their love when things are good, but when the shit hits the fan, it's "I don't love them hoes." I'd rather you not even tell me that you love me, cuz the mere mention of the word changes everything. Just think it, you don't have to tell me. Because once it's out there, I'm gonna expect you to act accordingly. And if you don't, I'm be a little heated. That's right, I'm a sucka for love ass trick. When love talks, I prick up my ears and listen.

I'm in love with the idea of being in love. So why the disdain for love? It's cuz I don't wanna be a SFLAT. I don't wanna think about our future, our dreams, our kids, our old age, our.. well just our possibilities. I know that's the best part: the possibilities. But forget all that. Love doesn't always last, and the more excited I get about it, the harder I'll fall when/if it fails. Please don't take it personally. It's not you, its me. I just can't do it. I'm not the kind that can just be in love and then be out of love without it affecting me. Who says its better to have loved and lost, yadda yadda yadda? Forget all that. This love shit is for the birds.

Until that hypothetical time comes when I get over myself and let myself be a SFLAT again, we can still be cool. I'll still be that guy that will talk to you for hours, show you affection, take you out, lay you down (although that ain't been happening lately), share your dreams, be your rock, be your shoulder, be anything that you need me to be...except your soul mate. I can't do that without being a SFLAT. Besides, I've already had one or two of those. How's it look for to me to tell you "'re the three?" or how about "Three is the magic number" or "Third time's a charm." Okay, I'm being facetious, but you feel me, right? Love is love, yo! But it ain't for me right now. I'm done being a SFLAT!

I'm so full of crap! Nobody reading this was actually buying this were you? I wish I believed my own words, but on the real, that's not me. I'm gonna always be a SFLAT for the right one. I just hope that I can control it when the situation comes up again.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Wait A Minute, I'm A Liar

All of a sudden I'm attractive, I'm handsome, I'm gorgeous/But back in the day you used to say you can't afford this/I wreck shops and got props from New York to Cali/I'm Big Willie, you silly Sally from the valley/Ain't nuttin changed... wait a minute, I'm a liar/The crib is definitely doper and the girls a lot flyer/(Here is something you can't understand)/So tell me y'all, who's the man?

Heavy D - "Who's The Man" 1992

I know I said I wasn't gonna do anything this weekend, but I'm a liar. Well, liar is a little strong, but I did change my mind. Or rather, my mind was changed for me. I had full intentions of just going home and watching on, but I got a phone call from my co worker homey, telling me that they were going to get some chicken and waffles. She's really cute, so of course I went. LOL. It was cool. They don't close until 4 in the morning and for once I didn't get lost going downtown. I guess that counts as going to dinner. I wouldn't quite call it a date, but I did hang out with the girl from last week. No extracurriculars this time though. Got home around 5 and watched my TV shows. I forgot that I was supposed to be babysitting my nephew while my sister went to brunch.

Around 9:30, after like 2 hours of sleep, I was up with Carlin. Luckily, I was able to pop in a DVD to keep him occupied while I half slept. When my sister got home, I went to do another thing on my list: Find a new chair. As much I hate going to WalMart, I did it. I found my chair, but of course it wasn't in stock. Went to another, same thing. Not in stock. It was crazy. I started to give up, but then I checked out Of.fice Dep.ot and Tar.get and they had some chairs, but them joints were like double the price. So, obviously I'm still in my broke up chair right now. I'll check the by my job on Monday. That'll give me something to do on lunch. Got home and washed some clothes, but they are all sitting waiting to be folded and hung. I told you that's the part I hate the most.

I was out of the house for much of the day, but when I got home I still had a little cabin fever. I just didn't feel like sitting around. I started to go spend some unnecessary money at Pin Ups, but there were cop cars in the parking lot when I rolled by. I guess Pac.Ma.n was in town or something. LOL. Anyway, it worked out for the best. I rode around for a bit and then came back home with all my money still in my pocket. I can use that for something else. *sidenote* Why are the co workers going to a strip club next Friday after work? I can't go cuz I'll be at the Eryk.ah Bad.u concert. I'm a have to see if they are still there once the show is over. I would kill to see how some of these women act in the strip club. I should print out my Strip Club Commandments for them. *sidenote over* Maybe I'll do nothing today. I know I gotta watch Game 7 of the Boston-Cleveland series, but that's about it.

Hold up, I just heard 2 gunshots. At least I think they were gunshots. I don't know where they were coming from, but it sounded mad close. I wonder if the creepy guy upstairs has finally snapped. Lemme turn off these lights and peep out the window to see what's going on. I hear sirens, but I don't see any flashing lights, so maybe it wasn't as close as I thought it was. Anyway, I'm gonna go be nosy and check this out. Have a good Sunday!

Friday, May 16, 2008

Things I'm Not Gonna Do This Weekend

It's Friday, yo! Time to celebrate, hit the town, maybe meet some nice eligible women. At the very least, sip on something with my friends. Yeah, I'm not gonna do any of that this weekend. I could come up with some good plans, but chances are I'm gonna be sitting at home this weekend twiddling my thumbs in between sporadic phone call ducking and Internet TV watching. I know, pathetic, but I kinda like it. Last weekend was my go out time, this weekend, Umma do me nothing. But if I wasn't feeling withdrawn, these are some of the things I might do.

Go out to dinner. There's nothing like hanging out with good friends with good food and good drink. I wanna go back to this spot. I haven't been there since I hung out with some bloggers almost a year and a half ago. It doesn't have to be there, just somewhere a little more upscale and different than the same old spots I frequent with my people. It's already on the itinerary to go back here in a couple weeks, but you know, that's a couple weeks away.

Go out on a date. I could combine the dinner thing with the date thing. Maybe take a nice young lady out and have shut down the restaurant conversations, my favorite. I wanna check this place out. I think the whole rotating thing is cool. I went to one when I was in Kansas City, but not in my own city. I think that would be a nice setting for a date. Maybe check out the High Museum for some art and jazz. I know, I'm all about hip hop, but I can be diverse. It just looks cool. Or check out a show at the Alliance, although I think its closed right now with all that construction going on downtown. Do something grown up for a change.

Take my nephew and niece to a Braves games. I see they are in town this weekend. I haven't been to a game in a couple years. Last time was a playoff game. Me and Tarik had a good time. I could have a last hurrah before they blow this city and I see them once in a blue moon like the rest of my family. I should have thought about this earlier. I don't even know if they are with my sister or her ex husband this weekend.

Go to a movie. I'm embarrassed to say the last time I went to a movie was like in July or August. I went to see the Bourne Supremacy with PHD. I didn't realize how long it's been since I did that. I'm definitely a DVD guy, but going to a movie is a quick simple way to get out of the house. Plus I can do it by myself. No searching around for someone to accompany me. What's even playing though?

Hit up a strip club. I know good and well I'm not going to any of those clubs that constantly advertise on the radio. You know those free until 11, ballers are here, type clubs. I'm also not trying to hit up those old playa up in the club spots either. (Diva, Jameil, Desy...shut it up. I can already hear your brains working. LOL) But this guy at work was telling me about a hip hop spot, only he couldn't remember the name. I should see if he remembers what it is. I could get with that.

Go see Duran Duran. Word bond, son! (Like the way, I talked hip hop to cover up my inner white guy?) They gonna be at the Chastain Ampitheatre on Saturday. I know I might be the only Black guy there, but I grew up on them cats. Don't get me started on how I would rock out to their music back in New York. Let "The Reflex" or "Hungry Like A Wolf" come on and watch how quickly I abandon my hip hop demeanor and transform into that 10 year old that was geeked out watching those videos in New York (mostly because at the time you couldn't find hip hop and R&B videos on regular TV.) Yeah, I know I'm not gonna actually do that, but its a thought.

Go buy a new office chair for my computer. I gots to do this one. I niggarigged the loveseat up to the computer last night. Had the keyboard and the mouse next to me so I could get comfortable. Guess who fell straight asleep and woke up with qwerty on his forehead? Okay, not literally, but I did wake up on top of the keyboard like it was my pillow. You saw how broke up the chair is. I'm gonna have to go get one soon.

Wash clothes. Yeah, right. As long as I have clean drawers and t shirts, that laundry is gonna continue to pile up. It really hasn't been that long, but there's no excuse when all I have to do is walk towards the back of the apt to wash clothes. It would be different if I had to lug them to a laundromat. To be honest, its not even the washing that bothers me, its the folding and hanging up that gets on my nerves.

Yeah, that's what I'm not gonna do this weekend. I'm gonna more than likely just veg out and be a bum. I know I should be getting out, but I don't feel like being around people right now. I just want to relax and do nothing. Is that so bad? If it is, then too bad. It is what it is. What aren't you gonna do this weekend?

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Sabre Tooth Tiger*

Disclaimer: Like anybody cares about my disclaimer.. but I'm gonna put it out there anyway. This entire post is a joke. It's not to be taken seriously. I just am saying/writing the craziest thing possible. That's what I do. Okay, disclaimer over.

I've always had that kind of face. You know the one that says "old ladies talk to me." I don't mean any harm, but for once can I get someone that is not 20 years older than me to wanna get with me? I mean, I'm a reasonably attractive, reasonably young man. Aren't there any women not old enough to be my matriarch that want to get with me? (That wasn't a rhetorical question, LOL!) From my first stalker to Grape Ape to the other lady at work that loves me to death, older women seem to flock towards Rashan. I don't know what it is. Maybe its cuz I'm outwardly respectful, or maybe its cuz I don't wear my pants hanging off my ass, or maybe its just cause I have an old soul, but these cougars dig me. Matter fact, I don't even want to call them cougars. These women are more seasoned than your average older woman trying to get with a younger man. These women are less cougars, and more sabre tooth tigers. Get it??? Cuz they are extinct. That's mad old, kid. I crack myself up!

It happened again this weekend. I attended yet another function with Kristie and 'em where there were no women in my age range. We ate, and drank and played cards and had a general good time, but for real I had no one to spit my (lack of) game to. But the older women enjoyed my company. I ain't gonna call nobody's mama out... but yeah, I was introduced thusly: " I wanna introduce you to Shawn. He's my baby's best friend and I have a huuuge crush on him. He knows it, everybody knows it." I did my best to not visibly squirm at these words, but its true. I do know it. I remember one time on her birthday, we were at this restaurant in College Park. She damn near pitched a fit to get me to dance with her. I don't dance, especially not in an area where there is light and people can see me. But I had to acquiesce to the tiger's roar. For the record, I don't know how old she is for real, but my homey turns 30 this year. Just doing the math...

So what does one do when constantly surrounded by cougars sabre tooth tigers? I don't know, but imagine what it would be like. It wouldn't be all bad I guess. Here are some pros to dating a sabre tooth.

1. I could use her senior discount to get into movies for the cheap. I'm sure I can get a discount at the local Golden Corral or IHOP. Just flash the AARP card, and get 20% on those Rockports I had my eye on.

2. All the prescription drugs I could ever want. Free cholesterol medicine. High blood pressure? No problem, my sabre baby got them pills on lock. Do you know how much percoset goes for on the streets? I'm a be rich, son!

3. I can use all of her ex husbands stuff. I don't care if that watch is inscribed To My Loving Husband, don't nobody need to look at the back. I'm a rock that Rolex, son. Besides, he's dead now, ain't no sense in letting them golf clubs go to waste. And don't even get me started on the flat screen plasma joint.

4. I'm a ride out in a Caddy or a Lincoln. You know how smooth them things ride? Its like you driving on air. Air, son! And them leather seats? Me and my sabre tooth tiger got that Corinthian.

5. While we riding in that luxury automobile, we are gonna get the best parking spots. I'm sure my Sabre Tooth is gonna have one of those handy handicap placards after one of her many surgeries. No more parking way in the middle of the parking lot. We up front baby.

6. Three words: Fruit and Tea. I like both, but I never buy them. She's gonna keep me laced with my daily dose of Vitamin C. I'm talking oranges, grapefruits, tangerines, scuppernongs, whatever. And the tea? I'm gonna be relaxing sipping on some Earl Grey Orange Pekoe with just a drop of honey. Talk about the good life.

7. I get to catch up on those seasons of Law and Order and CSI: Miami that I missed. Ain't nothing like some formulaic tv. It's familiar and non threatening. Don't let Murder She Wrote come out on DVD, that's almost as good as watching Jag. Why go out when me and Sabre can veg out in front of the TV until almost 10 PM.

8. If I ever want to wash that grey right out of my beard, I can just borrow her hair dye. I kinda like the grey that adorns my chin, but I don't wanna look too old for my Sabre Tooth. She picked me cuz she likes them young, the least I can do is play the part.

9. Two More Words: Hard Candy. I'm saying, you ever just want a Wurther's Original but don't wanna buy a whole bag? No? Me either...but you know them cinnamon disks are the shit. Butterscotch? Not sure if anybody actually likes those, but if I want one, all I gotta do is go in her purse, and I got one.

10. Finally, and most importantly, I'll get a chance to plunder through her classic vinyl collection. I love old music. Lemme get some Isley's or Marvin Gaye, perhaps she'll have Isaac Hayes Hot Buttered Soul. At the very least, Curtis Mayfield will be up in the collection. Picture me sitting up in her green lazy boy, glass of prune juice, reading the obituaries, Sam Cooke playing in the background, wearing a smoking jacket, slippers on my feet, cigar ablaze, yelling at kids to get out of her yard. If that ain't good times, please tell me what is.

I'm bugging out. None of these reasons are good enough for me to actually start dating a Sabre Tooth Tiger. Well, maybe the music collection, but I guess I can find that old music on I'm actually just fulfilling my stated goal of saying/writing the craziest thing possible. It's all jokes though. Don't think I'm gonna try to get with your mama or something. LOL. Aiight, I'm out.

* "Sabre Tooth Tiger" is a registered trademark of Rashan Jamal - 2008. Any commercial usage of said term on Best Week Ever, Extra, or Entertainment Tonight must mention Term may be used in perpetuity by not for profit bloggers and other cats that dig my style without charge. You can stop reading now because I have nothing else to say. One!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Excuse Me, Miss!

I’m gonna get to everyone’s comments and pages as soon as I get a chance. Funny how I get mad comments just when I was looking for new bloggers. Thanks for not making me do the work. LOL I know I’m tardy with today’s post, but I have a good reason/excuse: I had the headache from Hades last night. I know when it’s gonna happen. It’s usually when I don’t eat or don’t sleep, both of which happened Sunday night. Also, caffeine is a trigger, but I haven’t had any in a while, unless you count that one little bitty piece of brownie I had almost a week ago. Anyway, it wasn’t that bad to begin with. I was able to comment on some blogs, but then as I started to write mine, it felt like a small alien was trying to burrow his way out of my head. Sure, I could have taken some medicine, but I think I’m about 4.7 pills away from being an addict. I be popping allergy medicine like its pez. I had to pull myself back from that, because although I was getting the best sleep of my life, I’m not trying to get my Heath Ledger on. So, I take 1 instead of 2, and only when necessary. The point is I don’t like medicine. With my father’s DNA, I’m always scared of becoming dependent on drugs of any kind. I’ve always done my best not to pop pills, so instead of breaking open the Aleve bottle, I just went to sleep.

9 hours and a 35 minute shower later, I was good. Headache gone and going to work. If you called me last night, ummm my bad! I was knocked out and just didn’t hear the phone. It didn’t help that I may have left the cell in the bathroom either. Whatever, that’s my excuse, you either like it or you don’t. LOL

I have like 27 different topics to write about in my head, but since I’m at work right now, I’ll hold off. Who says, I have to post everyday? Oh that’s right, Jameil. LOL – Sorry, homey. Here are some random post ideas in my head. They may or may not see the light of day.

Sabre Tooth Tigers – when you are too old to be a cougar…

I Don’t Have A Clever Title Yet – about people that constantly complain about gas prices and drive Expeditions and people that complain about their mortgages but live waaaay out with the caucs when they know they can’t afford it.

CheckMate – A chess match between my brain and, well you know. I saw it on this British Tv Show called Coupling… hilarious and I’m a biter.

Twanophobia pt 2. – Although, I’ve already told a few people this story, so I may not write it.

Say You, Say Me – story about how I was supposed to sing this song in 7th grade chorus with my first girlfriend.

I got more, but I’ll stop there. I’m gonna go ahead and go to lunch and not eat. Check back tomorrow for a real post.


Monday, May 12, 2008

Prove It

Somebody told me the other day that I need to comment on more peoples pages because my comments have been slacking. She said that its all about reciprocity. I know that. I been in the game for a minute and I just don't care to follow 40 bloggers everyday like I used to. I'm good with my core group. That being said...

I was on the hunt this weekend for a new blogger. You know, someone that nobody else reads that I could shape and mold into the type of blogger I want them to be. I know that's arrogant and I failed. First of all, its hard to find new bloggers that haven't already been tainted by that blogger that I can't stand. He/she be commenting on everybody's joints. As many new blogs as I read this weekend, no one stood out. I actually found myself reading these blogs with The Smirk. There were certain things that just annoyed me. Most of it was because people were making claims without offering any evidence.

For example, bloggers with names like Pretty Girl, Cutey Pie or Sexxydiva. Those aren't real names, but they are representative of what I saw. How can you sit here and brag about how fly you are without providing any evidence of it? Let me judge your pretty. Post a picture of yourself or something if you are that confident in the way you look. I'm not saying you are lying, but prove it. I'm supposed to believe you are extra fly, but you don't even have a profile picture? Not gonna happen. For all I know you can look like Shabba and Biggies love child.

People that say they are writers were annoying me too. It's like "I'm a writer. Check out my links for information about my novel." Really? Then why is your blog riddled with horrible subject matter with spelling and grammar errors. And I'm not talking about slang or stuff like that. I mean stuff like saying "there" instead of "their." Or consistently switching tenses or perspectives in the same post. And I'm supposed to buy your (self published) novel? You haven't shown me anything that would make me want to spend my loot on your garbage hood fiction novel. Come on with that. You say you are a writer, then prove it.

How about these cats that give out relationship advice? This is both men and women. They tell you how to handle your relationship, give you rules to follow, situations to avoid. But are they married? Are they in a successful relationship? What exactly qualifies you to be giving advice? I need to see "married for 10 years" next to your name before I would even think about accepting your advice. I can mess up my relationship all by myself, thankyouverymuch! And then, half the time, the advice that's given is just basic common sense like "Dont go out with a guy you think is gay" or "don't stay with a woman that slept with your best friend." Where's the insight? You got something profound to say that'll help your readers, then by all means prove it. But until then go ahead and keep your horrible advice.

Man, the gossip blogs. Maybe my heterosexuality prevents me from liking these. Maybe it's my disdain for celebrity worship. Whatever it is, whenever I read some gossip site, I always have the same reaction. "How do you know?" I don't care what they say.. I could make something up right now and have people believing it. Can I get a documented source or something? And why do they have to be so mean about it? I swear if these celebrities didn't exist, then what would your crappy blog be about? Its okay not to like a celebrity, but come on, don't act like you know what goes on in's house, or claim to know that Eddi.e Murph.y is boonkie buddies (that's old school Savannah slang for gay dudes. I didn't know how to spell it. LOL) with Joh.nny Gi.ll. You don't know that. You haven't seen it. You are just going by what you read somewhere else. If you do know it, and feel the need to tell everybody about it, then go ahead and prove it. Let me just tell you in advance, unnamed sources are not proof. They are rumors.

Finally, those new bloggers that claim to have so much to say in their first few posts, but then go on an extended hiatus need to prove to me that they can write consistently before I drop a comment on their page. They say they have so much drama to write about, but then don't write for a month. I need them to either delete their pages, or come with a post. I know, they are neophytes and don't know the blog rules yet, but how can they expect me to keep up with them if they only post twice a month. I'll be damned if I cyberstalk their pages everyday while seeing the same old post everyday. Prove to me that you have something to say, and I'll be there. Otherwise, stick to MySpace blogging, cuz nobody reads that crap anyway.

The first person to get offended or try to explain why they do these things in my comments will lose 10 cool points*. I'm so obviously talking about new bloggers. If I've ever left a comment on your page, or you on mine, I'm totally not talking to you. This applies only to the bloggers I am just getting around to read. The ones that will not be reading this post. I'm not out to change the blog world, but just to explain why it was so hard to find a new blogger out there. Are we clear about that? I'm not talking about you (to your face), oh gentle readers. LOL

* Cool Points are a registered trademark of Rashan Jamal and are allocated solely at his discretion. Cool Points are only valid on Beats Rhymes and Life and are non transferable to other blogs. Cool Points can be redeemed for comments, blog luv and shout outs. Cool Kids status contigent on regular posting and commenting. Rashan Jamal reserves the right to revoke cool kids status without further notice. For complete program rules, please refer to previous posts about blogging located on the sidebar.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Day 1 of 3

I'm typing this fresh off of some drank, so forgive me if I start rambling. I'm not drunk by any means, but I can still feel it just a tad...

So, I'm in the midst of a 3 day weekend. I'm off Friday, Saturday and Sunday and I couldn't be happier. Although work is not really stressing me and there are some cool people that I've gotten to know at work over the last couple of weeks, I would much rather be NOT working. I'll take that R and R any day. Today, wasn't exactly what I would call relaxing, but it was cool nonetheless. The first thing I did today was to watch Lost and Grey's Anatomy on the computer. Lost was good, but not as good as the last few episodes. Re: Greys...Jam, you were right, I didn't like that crap. I mean, I get what they were going for, but the whole episode seemed wack, not just the part with Private Twan. The whole subplot with the dating disclosures was far fetched too.

Oh yeah, the whole point of talking about watching these shows was so I could tell you about what had happened the other night. So, I've had the same chair at my desk for 3 years. It was a cheap little leather computer chair I copped from Walmart and put together. BTW, I completely have no aptitude for putting stuff together. I can't follow those instructions for anything. Okay, so Thursday morning, I'm sitting at computer trying and failing to finish my Questions post. It's 4 AM and I'm a little sleepy. I'm not comfortable in my chair, so I lean over to the right. In doing so, I completely flipped over the chair and fell on my ass. I just sat there for a few minutes, like did this really happen? I swear it was the funniest thing and if I had video, I would definitely share it. In the course of my fall, I broke the chair handle. Pictures below.... So, my chair is broken, so what do I do? I turned my love seat around and pushed it in front of the computer. LOL. It doesn't look good, but it sure is comfortable. LOL

The chair was old, but I'm cheap. I don't want to buy another one. We'll see how long I can roll with the love seat thing...

Okay, so after the computer tv watching thing, I go to get a haircut. The guy that cut my hair last time was leaving to get lunch so I went to this other cat. He did an all right job, but not like last time. Last time's cut was extra fresh, this one was more run of the mill. He also cut too much off the top. I'm trying to get my curly afro game popping and he set me back a couple of weeks. I left the barbershop and went to my least favorite place on earth: the mall. I went to Northlake cuz it's close and they have a Macy's there. Usually I can go in Macy's, find what I want and jet without stepping foot into the rest of that godforsaken place. Today was no exception. Copped a few summer shirts, some replacement work pants, and some smell good and bounced within 25 minutes. I realized I forgot to get shoes after I left, but that will have to wait until I feel like darkening the malls doorstep again. Here are pictures of my post haircut camera whoring...

Ignore the off brand lotion in the forefront. You probably didn't even notice until I said something. I think this is the only picture I've posted that features more than just my head and shoulders.

My head and shoulders...

Later that afternoon, I hung out with my family. All of my nephews and my niece were there. My brother came through with the little one. We played and watched Elmo in Grouchland on HBO On Demand and the big kids played on my computer. Nothing special, but just real cool to be able to have them all together. Might be the last time I see them all together before they move to Savannah... Maybe not... Regardless...Here are more and more pictures...

Me and all the kids...

Carlin, Dominique and Justin. This a temporary tattoo on Carlin's arm. It's not a horrible burn caused by a neglectful uncle. LOL

Me, Carlin and Just Blaze... This was take 47, I think. Kids wouldn't look at the camera.

That leads to the nighttime maneuvers. I went out. I hung out with Kristie for awhile. Her fiancee was there too for a minute, but he was with his coworkers and they left before we did. Got nice and buzzed. Had some good laughs, had some real talk, hurt some feelings... you know a typical Friday night. Then a little later, I hit up another spot for a little while to hang out with some co workers. Interesting developments there. You know how people sometimes act differently in public than they do at work? For the most part, everyone maintained their personalities which was cool. No crazy belligerent, can't handle their liquor tirades... at least while I was there. Those could have happened before I arrived since I was mad tardy. Anyway, I hung out with my young homegirl from work and another cool girl for most of the time I was there. Had some more drinks, talked a little trash, got a little flirty, broke one of my rules... Good times... We'll see if things are still all good when I go back to work on Monday.

I may have been feeling the drink when I first started, but I'm good now. Hopefully tomorrow will be another day filled with good stuff. Have a great weekend!!!

Thursday, May 8, 2008

The Questions...Part 2

Let's get part 2 of the questions started. Scroll down for part one if you haven't read it yet.

Ladynay asked...

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

I'm sleeping on the couch now a days, but when I do sleep in a bed, I don't really have a side I have to sleep on. Whatever side gives me the best view of the TV is where I will be. Mostly because I have to fall asleep with the TV on to avoid thinking too much. When I do that, there's no hope at all for sleeping.

How many times have you been in love?

I honestly don't know the answer to this one. I know one for sure. Then there are a couple of other ones where I thought I was, but may not have been because I turned the love faucet off mad quickly.

When is your birthday (shoot me if you mention it alot)

November 25th, 1974. Sagittarius. Currently accepting tardy presents from last year and early presents from this year. Give me some gifts, yo!

Who do you consider your best friend and why?

Kristie is my bestest friend. I think its a consistency thing. No matter who comes and goes from my life, she's been there for the last 7, 8 years. Plus, she cooks for me and lets me have my way with her female friends. LOL I'm (half) kidding.

Where would you rather be right now?

I'd like to be somewhere where it's 70 degrees with a light breeze. I got nothing to do except sit outside and enjoy the weather. No particular destination though.

If you could slap one musician or group for making some TRASH in your opinion, who or what group would it be?

The music snob in me can't pick just one. I'd like to slap a gang of music industry cats. If I had to pick one, it would be T. Pain. Here's the logic behind it... I know T. Pain sucks. I know his music is bad, so please explain to me how them songs stay stuck in my head. I'd slap him for making horrible music so palatable.

Do you have a favorite group of all time?

Does Prince and the Revolution count as a group, if so I'll pick them. Other than that, A Tribe Called Quest, GangStarr, Jodeci are some of the many. I realize I didn't technically answer the question, but you get the point.

Have you blogged about the most out there chick you've been with?

Sure did. That would be Veronica the stalker. The one that is soon to be having twins, but is still trying to get at me on MySpace ten years after we broke up. The one that told people that I was the father of her kids, the one that brewed marijuana in my sweet tea to get me high so I wouldn't leave. The one that took a picture of me from when I was 4 and blew it up and had it hanging on her wall. The one that said she was gonna kill herself if I left. The one that tried to put roots on me. The one that... I wrote about it here. LOL

What's your favorite sweet?

I don't really do sweets too much, but I love brownies. Unfortunately, they don't love me back. Anything with caffeine in it, like chocolate, I have to be careful about. Caffeine is my migraine trigger. If I have too much, or on some days, even if I have just a little then I'll get a monster sized headache. Other than that, I love Milkshakes and banana pudding.

If the future Mrs. Jamal could fix you your favorite meal what would it be?

Her.. I mean, I pretty much eat anything except cantaloupe and sushi. I'm far from being particular about my meals. For the sake of the answer, I'll go with a breakfast feast. Pancakes, grits, bacon, eggs, all of that. I love breakfast foods, but I never eat it in the morning. I did a tag about my favorite foods once. Like to read it? Here it go!

If you could go anywhere, money not an option, where would it be and if anyone, who would you take?

Let’s go to sleep in Paris,
And wake up in Tokyo.
Have a dream in New Orleans,
Fall in love in Chicago,

Then we can land in the motherland,
Camelback across the desert sand.
Take a train, to Rome, or home,
Brasil, forreal.
Wherever I go she goes.
Wherever I go she goes.

Lupe Fiasco - "Paris Tokyo"

If you had one superhero ability what would it be?

I'd want to be invisible. After my trip to the women's locker room, LOL, I could sneak up on people and do jerky stuff like knock the hat off their head, or tie their shoelaces together, or steal their ATM pin code. LOL. What I meant to say was "I'd like to use my invisibility to help bring about world peace."

Favorite movie of all time?

Pulp Fiction... no, Fight Club.. no Pulp Fiction!

Do you need more questions, cuz I can go on?

Thank you for hooking me up. I think I'll be okay. LOL

Minerva asked...

Have you dated/slept with a woman significantly older?

I have not dated/slept with anyone older than me. It just hasn't worked out that way. Lisa was about 7 months younger. PHD might have been a year younger. Other than that, everybody has been at least 3 years younger than I. I tell myself that I have a 5 year rule. 5 years older, 5 years younger, but that rule often gets broken. I have no backbone when it comes to the fairer sex. Anything that I put on the list will be ignored for the right one.

Have you been to a Braves game?

I've been to a few Braves games. The last time I went was a couple of years ago. I took my nephew to a playoff game against Houston. You didn't ask, but I also took him and his sister to a Hawks game this year, and I used to go see the Falcons before Mike Vick's homeboys decided to snitch on him and ruined the team for me. You wanna come to a game with me?

Would you leave Atlanta?

Yeah, I have nothing holding me here. It will be easier to leave now, since my sister and her kids are moving back to the Seaport City. Yeah, my brother and his wife are in the area, but I rarely see them as is. So, to answer your question, yeah, I would leave Atlanta, but it would have to be for another metropolis. I'm not cut out for country life.

Do you ever go to SSU's homecoming?

I went the year after I graduated and that was it. We're talking like 10 years ago. I just don't like going to Savannah, and when I do, I tend to avoid places that have the potential for me bumping into an ex. So, homecoming is out. The mall is out. Frozen Paradise.. I know its closed, but its still out. LOL

Have you burned the electric yellow hoodie yet?

I have not and will not burn the electric yellow hoodie. You don't understand how comfortable that thing is. And besides, I have another FUBU shirt for you guys to hate on for the spring/summer. This one is a blue and black baseball type jersey that I got back in 1998. That joint has been with me through the thick and thin, and the colors are still vibrant. I'll be sure to post pictures to make you laugh at that instead of the hoodie.

La asked...

1. You get to design your own headstone. What does it say?

Rashan is still alive, check back in a few years. LOL Okay, I guess its just simple, my name, date of birth and date of death. If you must have more words, then Loving son, brother and uncle, but I don't like to think about death, since I'm currently a filthy heathen.

2. You're married. You have problems conceiving. Do you let another man (non-sexually) father your child?

Wow, good question. Since we are talking sperm donor and not doing my wiz... I'd say go for it, but only if all other avenues have been exhausted. I'd probably want to adopt before going this route, but I can understand if my wife would want to have a kid with similar DNA.

3. Name 1 moment that's changed your life. Explain why.

Leaving my last job involuntarily. I don't wanna use the F word, but that's what happened after 6 years. And the circumstances surrounding it were so messed up, that it took me some time to recover financially, my confidence, my good spirits. I really went through a rough patch. I'm not gonna say that I'm happy that I got that pink slip, but I'm happy that I was able to make it through it without completely losing my brain. I'm back in a good place again. You really learn to appreciate what you have when it's taken (or in this case thrown) away. No, I'm not gonna tell you what I did to get fired. I still have some of the old co workers reading from time to time, so I don't want to get them involved. If you just must know, send me an email and I'll think about telling you.

4. We always here about the RJ "charm" and how no one can resist and yadda yadda. So who's the one that got away?

I don't know where you hear about the charm from. I mean, I am pretty damn charming, but I don't brag on it. If I was so charming, I probably wouldn't be celibate for as long as I have been. Yes, I've had opportunities that I passed up, but anyone with half a brain would have avoided those situations. (for example, the work stalker.) But that wasn't your question, you asked about the one that got away. Well, since I already told you about my stalking situation, I'll pull out another of those stories from the archives of my mind. There are so many. Again, I'm charming, but not always. Matter of fact, can I get away with making this a Flashback Friday post? It'll give me more time and space to answer this question. BTW, that may have sounded like a question, but it was really me telling you what I am going to do.

5. Let's say you meet a blogger. You guys talk offline, REALLY hit it off. She's dope, every thing you listed on your list. After a few months you decide to meet in person. You roll up...She's a Barbie. What do you do?

Obviously, you didn't read the old blog (and no those posts aren't still up.) Been there, done that. Refuse to talk about it. That was the one thing that I said I wouldn't answer. I know that just intrigues you more, and I'm sorry for that, but I made a decision not to blog about that quite some time ago, and I'm sticking to it. The few people that know the ENTIRE story, not just the half way correct version posted on Nikki's blog would probably agree with my decision to hold this story in. Sorry again.

Magnolia Peach asked...

1. You're in the bathroom and have ran out of tissue completely, what do you do?

Take a shower. Then disinfect the bathtub. LOL

2. If you could say one thing to one person that you never got to say, who and what would it be?

To Senita, Andria, Terri, LaTarsha, Charita, et al... I'm sorry I disappeared on you. In retrospect I should not have devalued our friendship for my relationship. When I moved to Atlanta, I should have made a better effort to keep in touch. Hell, before I moved I should have kept in touch better. I regret that I took the easy way out and cut you guys off instead of standing firm in our friendship. I hope that you all have been leading prosperous lives.

3. Did I see you on Ponce for Cinco De Mayo?!

I was on Ponce, but not for Cinco De Mayo. It depends what part of Ponce you talking about. I'm quite often on East Ponce, but if I'm on Ponce in the city then I'm just riding through.

4. You meet a woman, y'all start dating, next thing you know you are in love. She is everything you could have wanted and are hoped for. You decide to take her to a family reunion and are informed that she is your third cousin. Do you continue to date her?

I've stopped talking to people for far less than that. I'm gonna have to call that relationship a day.

5. "You know third and fourth relation don't count" - What movie is that from?!

I have no earthly idea, although it does sound vaguely familiar.

Canon or is it Cannon asked...

Is your life really this interesting or do you embellish? sometimes? no disrespect meant, but you be having the wildest stories I ever read.

On the contrary, my life is pretty damn boring. I don't do much, and I don't have many current experiences to write about. Howsomever... I meet the craziest, most out there, awe inspiring people. All my stories are about 98% true. I leave the 2% margin to account for false memories, intoxicated memory lapses and dialogue discrepancies. I never intentionally have made anything up on the blog, except when I was trying to trick you guys, in which case I always let you know by the end of the post. Crazy tends to follow me, and as long as it does, I'll keep writing about it.

If you were a rapper, what would be your stage name? what would you rap about?

Wow, I'ont know. I used to be called BME (Black Man Extraordinaire) then changed it to BMX (same thing, just capitalizing on the ex prefix) then I was the Lyrical Assassin. This was back in the days like 89 -90. As I got older, my rap name was my real name: Rashan Jamal. I can't write or freestyle like I used to. Son, for real I was nice and I'm not just saying that because of my ego, but because that's the way it was. I completely suck at it now. If I were a rapper, I'd be on some Talib Kweli stuff. Conscious, without being preachy. Raps about everything, from girls, to parties to politics to just straight up boasting. That's the formula I would follow.

If you were a contemporary country singer, with a splash of new wave/funk, what would be your stage name?

Bubba McExtraterrestial... I don't know. That question threw me for a loop.

low paying job (like 15,000/yr) with creative freedom or 6-figure job (like 650,000/yr) with very little room to do what you like? you can't save up from the high paying job to retire and do what you want, because you'll be blacklisted and you can't get pension until you've been in the company for 25 yrs.

I can't live off of 15K, so no matter how much creative freedom I have, rent gotta get paid. Blogger gotta eat, yo. I'm have to go with the 6 figures joint.

good music or no-strings-attached, no risk of virus sex? you can only have ONE for the rest of your life.

I know I can live without sex. I've been doing it for a minute now. I don't know that I can live without music. That being said, I'm a have to get my procreation on. Wait, can I still listen to mediocre music?

Cherry's Kid asked...

I got a question...why so many relationships in the past and no one now?

I didn't have a lot of relationships to begin with. I just had long ones. But why no one now? I could give my old standby excuse that women in the ATL don't dig me like women from other places, but the truth is that I have little or no patience in developing relationships now a days. At the first sign of discomfort, I'm out, son! This causes me to sacrifice possibilities far too often. I'm working on it. I'm trying to do better, but then we have the next reason. I made a decision not to date women that I work with, which severely limits my dating pool. I don't go out that often, and when I do, I don't apply myself like I should. I take the lazy way out of dating friends of friends instead of looking for new exciting, interesting prospects. I wish I could say that I'm working on this one too, but my self diagnosed social anxiety disorder makes that one a difficult road to travel. I don't know, I think I just have issues with opening up on a real personal level when it comes to a romantic relationship. I can tell all you anonymous bloggers every little embarrassing detail of my life, but I for some reason don;t allow for that same vulnerability in my real life. I know this sounds like excuses, and maybe they are, but as I'm known to is what it is.

Okay, now I'm done. If anybody has any other questions let me know. Or send me an email: I'm out, yo!