I Just Might Be Crazy

Crazy

That’s me… Why am I crazy this time, you ask? Go ahead and ask...
…
…
…
I’m glad you asked. I’ll tell you. I’m crazy because I was up until well after the sun came up this morning. What in the world was I doing awake until 8:09 AM, you ask? Again, go ahead and ask…
…
…
…

Thanks for asking! I was up until 8:09 AM playing around with ITunes. This is what happened. I’ve had the same 806 songs on my iPod for ummm, about 3 months. When Jameil was here the 1st time, she accidentally took my iPod charger with her. She brought it back Thanksgiving, but I’ve been too lazy to go through my thousands of songs and pick new ones to put on there. I only have the 4 gig joint, which is more than enough, but that means I have to switch my music out. Anyway, last night, I decided to give Kanye another chance (I actually like it now that it’s been mastered properly. The bootleg joints I was listening to were pretty annoying), so I downloaded his CD. THEN… I decided to add some more old music from my cd collection. I found my Faith CD that I’ve been looking for for awhile. The Mary J My Life was all scratched up, but then I found my old favorite group from high school: Gang Starr. THEN… as I was importing these, I noticed that a lot of my bootleg mp3s didn’t have the correct information on them. Like they would be missing an artist name, or the wrong album was listed, or the name of the song was just totally wrong. That’s what you get when you don’t actually pay for the songs. Well, I started editing the information. THEN.. I saw that I had duplicates of some songs, so I figured I should go through and delete those to free up more space on my computer… THEN…I noticed I had some stuff in my iTunes that I would never ever listen to, so I deleted those too.

Next thing I know, its 7:30 and I still haven’t picked what songs I was gonna put on my iPod. Since I had to get up in 3 hours, the prudent thing to do would have been to just go to sleep and deal with that tomorrow, but I’ve never been one to be a slave to prudence… In the words of Eric Cartman: Whatever I Do What I Want!!! (That would have been more effective I wasn’t at work, and could link it. I’ll just go ahead scratch out this whole sentence. LOL I really need to go to sleep!) I went through my library and picked about 400 songs, and then couldn’t take it anymore, so I crashed. I knew if I went to my bed, I would never in a million years actually wake up, so I curled up on my loveseat, turned my Netflix instant viewing to a PBS documentary about the Statue of Liberty and fell asleep. Two hours later, my phone started yelling at me to wake up and I somehow managed to wake up and make it to work on time. Crazy, huh?

You may ask why I would do something like this. You know how this works by now… ASK ME!!!
…
…
…

Well, I’ll tell you. Refer to the title of the post. I’m crazy! Not all the time, but sometimes, I just can’t control the way my brain works. It’s almost like OCD, except I don’t have to go in 5s or 3s. I just can’t stop a task until I’m finished. Anyway, I’ve written enough in this sleep deprived diatribe. I guess I should do some work now. Peace!

Sleepy Time

I'm back in town after 5 days in Gainesville with Jameil. It's been 3 months as of the 18th. Wow, who da thunk I could actually make it that long? LOL. Anyway, I've officially burned through all my sick time at work for the rest of the year, but it was totally worth it. I had a great time and I have vacation days in November and December, so I'll be all right. The only problem is the same problem I have every time I get back from out of town. I can't get to sleep.

Knowing I have to get up for work in about 5 hours, you would think that I should be sleep, but it doesn't seem to work that way for me. First, I had to take all my stuff out the car. I brought one of my TVs with me this time so Jam could watch 8 hours of Project Runway. Then I had to check my email. Read some blogs that I hadn't read for the last 5 days. Catch up on the sports highlights. Procrastinate a whole bunch.. and I'm still not sleepy. I guess I'm just wired from the 5 hour ride (which I completed in a little more than 4 hours this time. It's amazing how much time I can waste wandering around gas stations.) Anyway, the point is that I should be sleeping now. Its not that big of a deal. I only have to work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday this week. I guess I can catch up on sleep on Wednesday (which I have off because I was supposed to work on Saturday, before my *cough cough* sick time. Let's see what else is going on with me...

I came up with my preliminary plan to bring R Jizzy back to the blog world. I hope it works out. I'm gonna start that in November. The plan is to post every day next month. I did that last year and that's how me and Jam got cool. Speaking of Jam.. she's coming to Atlanta in a couple of weeks as Joy already knows from the text messages Jam sent from my phone. I promise none of those messages came from me, Joy! Any inappropriate comments were all her. My mom is having elbow surgery tomorrow, so think happy thoughts for her. She's funny. She called me tonight and told me to tell "my friend" she said hi. LOL. I'll be 34 in 34 days, so get your money together to buy me stuff. Okay, let me stop putting all my random thoughts in this one post and force myself to get some sleep. I'll be around your neck of the blog woods later today. Peace!!!

I'll Sleep When You're Dead

I'm just typing out thoughts. Totally random. I was told that if you look up random in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me. Hopefully, I'm giving the "bathe her and bring her to me" (face #2) look. LOL


Nights like this I wonder what's wrong with me. I mean, I'm used to staying up late. But then we have nights like this when I just don't fall asleep at all. Want to, but I can't bring myself to do so. I stayed up til..well I'm still up at 9:00 in the morning. I was keeping Jameil company at work, but she left me like 3 hours ago. You would think I would take this opportunity to catch up on the sleep I've been missing all week, but nope. I'm up...for no reason.

I just been downloading music all night. Dont tell the industry people, but so far I've gotten 14 entire albums this morning. Don't know when I'm gonna listen to all these, but I got them. I've listened to a few so far. Pretty sure my neighbors hate me for bumping the N.E.R.D all loud at 0 dark thirty, but you know what?: it is what is. I can't sleep, so why should they? I'm kidding, sorta. For the most part the volume was at a manageable decible, but I may have cranked up Sooner or Later and geeked out at the guitar at the end 6-7 times around 4 AM. But other than that, I've been respectful. I probably could have blogged, or read a bo... LOL I can't even finish that. I don't read. I know that is not something that most intelligent people say, but I don't. Hell, I barely read your blogs. I just be skimming til I find something that I can comment on. I'm kidding again, but you all know there are bloggers that do that mess. I need them to cut that out. Them cats that got like 196 bloggers on their blog rolls? You know they are NOT really reading your posts, right? First of all, I don't care how unemployed you are, who has time to follow that many people? And then look at their comments. You talking about apples, they commenting about papayas or something. Is it so important to be popular that you have to post nonsensical comments on everybody's blog and add them all to your blog roll?

I guess its not for me, because I've never been the popular type. I mean at work and for awhile on blogger, I was that popular dude, but for the most part, popularity escapes me. I don't have the tolerance to be dealing with that many people. Especially when popularity depends on being nice to people. Yeah, I'm not a nice person. I mean, I am nice sometimes, but I'm also a big jerk!!! You should hear some of the stuff that I say or read some of the emails I sent to Jameil tonight. It's just ridiculous sometimes how much I make fun of people. But it's fun and I can make fun of myself too, so hopefully God gives me a pass on Judgement Day. I can see it now "Come on, Lord and Savior, you know that stuff was funny. Let me in!!! Quit Playing, Jehovah! You made me this way!!!"

Okay, so maybe I'm not tired, but my brain is. I start talking and thinking crazy when I'm sleepy. I'm pretty sure I was hallucinating the other night while I was fighting sleep. I had a myriad of strange images pop up in front of my face. I can't remember them all, but it involved Nelson Mandela, an afro and a purple leather jacket like Eddie Murphy wore in Raw. Yeah, it doesnt make sense to me either. Lucky for me, I embrace being strange, cuz sometimes I am. I can already tell I'm gonna reread this after a few hours of sleep and not remember half the stuff I wrote. Its almost like being drunk, but I didn't partake at all. Still got that bottle of Patron though. Maybe I'll get on that tonight.

Wanna know one of my pet peeves? People that say I don't tell them anything and then when I try, they start talking. I had a conversation that went something like this at work.

Me: Guess what? I'm dating someone.
Her: Really? You?
Me: Yeah, when I was outta town last week, I was meeting her.
Her: We are going out of town Labor Day.
Me: ....

That's all the time I get to talk? I get 2 lines? Don't ever, ever, ever complain about me not telling you stuff again in your life. This is the same friend that for some reason thinks I'm a pimp, despite the fact that I'm always 3rd wheel when we go out and have never brought any woman around. I love you like an annoying step-sister, but you don't really know me at all, do you? That just furthers my resolve to keep stuff to myself. Well, myself and my blog, cuz you know I can't stop talking on here. That would make for a pretty boring blog if I didn't write about anything remotely personal.

Wait... this rapper Chaundon just said. "We never got next, cuz we alway got now/forever connected like Al B's eyebrow. Sorry, that may not excite anybody else, but that was a hot line. I love hip hop. I love the beats and word play. I actually like a Nas album too. The last few joints I've had to talk myself into liking, but I heard his joint tonight and I really dig it. I still call it Nigger. I don't care if he changed the title. It's still Nigger to me. I wonder how many people are gonna google the word Nigger and find my blog. Hi, dirty racists! Welcome to Beats, Rhymes and Life. I hate y'all punk asses, dirty racist bastards. Now, kindly click the X at the top of the page and go back to planning the Republican convention and watching The O Re.illy Fa.ctor. Everybody say goodbye to the racists... "Bye Racists!!! I'll Holla!!!"

Okay, on that incredibly odd note, I know that I need to stop typing and lay my butt down somewhere. I'm looking forward to my requisite Saturday afternoon phone session, so I should probably try to get a few z's before that. I'll get at you all later. One!

Who Needs Sleep?

For real, y'all. My sleep pattern is all jacked up. I don't know if I'm coming or going this week. It's because I've been working this crazy (for me) schedule. I usually work 1-10. That's a little earlier than I like, but I've become adjusted to it. Waking up at 11 is now common place for me. That's what I'm now used to. But this week, I had to go into training yet again. This time for a job that's not really a promotion, not really even a position, but better than what I do on a daily basis. So, Monday after driving back from Savannah and being mad wired off a liter of Pepsi, I had to go to work at 11. Which meant I had to wake up around 9, which sucked because I couldn't fall asleep until 7:30 because of the aforementioned Pepsi. To make it worse, Tuesday - Thursday, I worked 9-6, which meant I had to get up at 7ish, which is closer to when I go to sleep than when I wake up.

But really, who needs sleep? I caught a few zzz's here and there. All I wanted to do on Monday was go home and crash on my bed, but I was hanging out with my friend from yesterday's post. No, that is not a complaint. I'm happy to do it. Happy that someone considers me a good enough friend to call me when she needs me. I'm just saying, I was so dead tired that may have nodded off a couple times sitting at the bar. I hate when people can tell that I'm sleepy. That was the first thing my friend said to me when she saw me at the restaurant. "Damn, you look sleepy." Yeah, I was. When I got home, I crashed out on my bed, but I left my phone in the living room, so I missed my nightly post midnight phone call. I woke up around 4:30 and tired as I was, I couldn't get back to sleep. That sucked... Went to work Tuesday yawning and stretching with teary eyes all day.

You would think that I would immediately go to sleep when I got home from work, but nope. I had to watch the game. And then Senita called me to chat... and then next thing I knew it was 2 in the morning again. And I had to get up in 5 hours. And I was still awake. Wednesday was much of the same thing, except I did do a little sleeping on the loveseat which is still in front of my computer. LOL This time I got to sleep around 3 and got a good 4 hours of sleep before work, but I'm still sleepy. I've been too sleepy to think about exciting blog topics, or to watch my Netflix DVD's (I got season 3 of Weeds just waiting for me, but I can't focus on it.) I'm so sleepy that I should just go to bed now. I don't have to go to work until 1pm so I could technically sleep 12 hours without any problem. But I wont do that. I have funny phone conversations to have and blogs to read, and inappropriate emails to sift through. Who needs sleep anyway???

Thinking When I Should Be Sleeping

I used to think I was pretty secretive. I was known for listening to other people's stories and not telling any of mine. Then I started blogging. I realize now I tell relative strangers way more than I tell people in real life. Well, let me backtrack, because I don't think of my blog fam as strangers, especially those that I've spent hours and hours emailing and calling. But for some reason, its a whole lot easier to tell you guys things. And it's pretty much no holds barred. I don't care that people know my every move. I don't care if it makes me look bad. I keeps it real, son!

I just can't be that secretive blogging dude. There's no mystery about me. You know what I look like, where I live, where I like to hang out, my drink of choice, and so on and so on. There's no wondering about what Rashan is like. Although there are a few glossed over areas, you pretty much know the real me from reading the blog. And if there is something that you don't know that you want to know, then ask me. Diva, I would hope, can tell you that I'm pretty much an open book, except of course when I'm self deluding. Then all bets are off, but I don't deliberately try to hide stuff like I used to.

What was the point of what I was saying? I'm not sure anymore, other than to just tell you that I'm pretty transparent now a days. I thank blogging for making me this way. Although it used to be second nature for me to be less than forthcoming, I think I'm over that now. You never will have to worry about hearing stories of my hidden wife and kids, or that my blog persona is totally different from who I really am, or that I hold an embarrassing, mysterious secret that I don't want anyone to know. I pretty much tell it all, flaws and all, so you get a true sense of who I'm is. I'm just Rashan. That sarcastic, nerdy, intermittently cocky, eclectic, anti social, charming, loyal, narcissistic, realistic, (I'm tired of coming up with adjectives) hip hop head that thinks he is cooler than everybody else, even if nobody else believes it.

"As a matter of fact..f*ck being anything else!" (name that song...)

See This Face, Hear This Voice

Apparently, I'm not supposed to sleep on Thursdays. It's another one of those nights when I can't sleep, and I can't focus on writing anything. So, what did I do? I copied Jameil and signed up for Utterz. You can hear a rambling nonsensical voice post by clicking the player above. Also, I took more sleep deprived pictures of myself. Why? Not sure, other than sheer vanity and narcississm. Hopefully, I'll be inspired to write a real post later this afternoon. I don't have to work. I scheduled the day off a few months ago, when I was working Sunday - Thursday. I was gonna have me a 3 day weekend. Now, I have to work Friday, so this is just basically a wasted vacation day. At least I'll have the opportunity to talk to Youngster more today. Oh that's right, I haven't blogged about her yet. Perhaps that'll be my post for this afternoon. Happy Valentine's Day to those that are gonna get something, and if you are like me and un-boo'd up, I hope your day is cool too. Aiight, then. I'm out. Oh yeah, excuse the bright ass yellow hoodie. It's like 20 degrees here and this 10 year old Fubu joint is the most comfortable thing to keep me warm. I've conveniently made sure the logo wasn't showing, but I guess I just defeated the purpose of hiding it, by telling you what it is. Please know that the hoodie is a functional choice and not a fashion choice.

Look Diva, I cut my nails. LOL Otherwise, no reason to post that picture


I don't know why I can't keep my left eye open

A carbon monoxide inspired smile.

Can you see the beard/goatee thing? My barber hooked that up on Monday. He took a picture of me for the shops myspace page. Got me modeling and stuff. LOL

Half asleep in the car. It didn't last. As soon as the cold air hit me, I woke up.

See This Face?

See this face? This is the face of a man who has slept approximately 12 minutes in the last 24 hours. Justifiably, he is out of his damn mind a little silly right now. (I finally looked up how to do the strike through!!!) He knows he should be sleeping, but he can't. He's done just about everything shy of taking a sleeping pill (I didn't think about it until it was too late) to fall asleep. Chamomile tea? Didn't work. Exercise? Didn't work. The History Channel? Didn't work. Hot shower? Didn't work. (That other thing that you are gonna tell me to do was not a possibility right now.) Here he sits knowing fully well he has to get ready for work in a couple of hours, but can't fall asleep. He also knows that he is speaking in the third person and he is enjoying that very much. His sleep clock is all out of whack and nothing except staying up all night and trying again tomorrow is going to help. Just in case you couldn't tell how sleep deprived I am right now, here's another picture.

For some reason, I decided to start playing with the camera. I know that once I publish this post, I will probably regret posting these unflattering pictures of myself, but I don't care right now. I am doing stuff I probably wouldn't do if I had my normal 5-6 hours of sleep. I also know that I am now talking in the first person. I would like to share another picture with you. I call this one the Dre face:

This one is a throwback to like 1994. An obscure moment in Dr. Dr.e's Le.t Me R.ide video, when Dr.e looks disgusted with a young lady that gets in his car. I should probably find the yo.u.tube video. Hold on, I'll be right back...(jeopardy theme plays) Okay, I'm back. Here it is. Fast forward to 4:20. It's just after the girl gets in the car. Okay, this looks nothing like I remembered but Kareem and I used to do that face all the time to express "blowedness." We also used to have the NWA mean mug face. It went a little like this.

After taking these crazy pictures, I tried to balance it out by taking a normal smiling picture. It didn't really work. This is the closest I could muster to a full smile. My eyes wouldn't open all the way either. But don't I look so sincere? LOL

Forget it, let me just go to sleep for 1 hour. Go on and tell me how crazy I am. I'm ready for it. Diva, I'm a need your help staying awake at work, so get prepared for some emails. LOL. The rest of you better write some interesting posts today. I need that in my life to survive training. Did I mention how pretty my trainer is? Man, I hope I don't stare. I have a tendency to fixate when I'm sleepy. One final picture before I go. This is the arthouse picture. It conveys my fragile emotional state how tired I actually am. And all you blog stalkers, don't be saving my pictures to your computer and telling your friends that I'm your man. You know who you are. LOL. That was a total joke. Don't go reading anything into that statement. Okay, I'm out for real now. Enough craziness for one early morning.

Yours Truly,

The Insomniac Camera Whore: Rashan Jamal.

Insomnia Again

It's back. After a couple of months of sleeping somewhat normally, the last 2 days have seen me revert to that old insomnia again. The last couple of days, I haven't made it to sleep before 9:30 in the morning. Although, I work late, I still have to get up and drive across town, so I have been averaging about 4 hours of sleep. Why am I up all the time? I can't even call it. I just don't get tired. There's no stress to speak of keeping me up at night. My thoughts aren't coming at a rapid pace like they sometimes do. I'm definitely not fighting sleep, in fact I just don't get tired until the sun has been up for a couple of hours.


As a result, I'm dragging today. I just have to make it through 5 more hours and then it's a wrap. I just hope people don't get on my nerves today. I know I'm cranky like a 5 year old today. I'll be back with a more substantial post tomorrow. I don't wanna take a pill, but I don't know if I have a choice. NEED SLEEP!!!

Who Needs Sleep?

Apparently, I don't. It's now 1 pm and I haven't been to sleep yet. It's been a bit of a strange day. I came home from work last night and watched a bunch of TV on the internet. Next thing I knew it was 7 in the morning. I figured why go to sleep, I had some errands to run anyway. You know how crazy stuff tends to follow me? Well, today was no exception.

First thing, I went to get some gas this morning. It was mad cold as I pumped my $49.67 worth of gas. I finished when a lady in a BMW truck pulled up at the pump next to mine. I was about to get in my car when she spoke. She asked me to watch her kid while she went in the store. How exactly am I supposed to react to that? A perfect stranger asks me to watch her kid. I couldn't exactly say no, could I? I mean I could have, but then the cute little 3 year old in the backseat would have been left unattended. It was strange but I obliged. The lady went in the store. I figured she was just going to pay in advance for her gas, but she was in the store for what seemed like an eternity. Did I mention it was cold? I mean, it was 'frost on windows' cold and I was standing there making sure nobody kidnapped this child. When the mother finally came back to the car with coffee, and a breakfast bagel, my hands were numb. But as much as I wanted to say something mean to her, and/or call DFACS on her, I refrained and kept it moving.

About an hour later, I went to the Sprint store to get a new phone. My old one had stopped doing the basics that phones are supposed to do, like ring or dial numbers. It was my fault because I was continuously getting it wet and I may have dropped it in a cup of water when I was half sleep the other day. Anyway, I had already picked out the cheap phone I wanted, but they just kept trying to upsell me to one of those expensive phones that does everything. They almost got me too, but I remembered that I hardly ever use my phone, so all the extras would just be a waste of money. That wasn't the strange part. The strange part was another customer who was waiting while I was getting rung up. He was extra familiar with me. He starting asking me all kind of questions about where I lived, and where I worked, and what church I went to. I guess he was being friendly, but I wasn't really feeling the whole interrogation thing so early in the morning. Then he told me about his church and pastor. I felt like he was trying to get me to join a cult or something, but its already been established that I don't do cults.

Next up was the haircut. Luckily, there was no wait, so I got right in the chair. As I'm getting my haircut, a lady comes in with some kids and a dog. Mind you, I have my glasses off so I can't see anything beyond their basic shapes, but I think it was she was one of the barbers girlfriend or something. I hear the dog jumping around and barking, but I didn't see it coming up to me. I hate dogs with a passion, because of this, and today did nothing to alleviate my disdain for them. This dog started licking my shoe and I may have "accidentally" kicked him in the nose to get rid of him. That was not the right move, because he took a bite out of my shoe. Fortunately, he missed my toe, but I was just blowed at that occurrence.

Finally, I went to renew my car tag. After getting my emissions test, I went to the Tag office, since the deadline is my birthday next Sunday and I didn't trust DeKalb County to mail it to me in time. There wasn't much of a wait, but I sat in the lobby until they called my number. Now you know me, so you know I sat away from everybody else in my own little world. I had my iPod on and had the entire row to myself. Would you believe that someone came and sat down right next to me? I mean, there were empty seats all over, but he chose to come sit where I was. Now, it wouldn't have been a big deal if he would have sat down at the other end of the bench, but he sat literally in the next seat on the empty row. Anyone who saw us would have thought we came together. I was so glad when they called my number and I could get out of there. I just don't understand people.

The time is now 1:12 and I guess I'll go to sleep now. I'm supposed to be going out tonight. I'm actually double booked, so whoever calls me to confirm first wins the prize of hanging out with Rashan. Or perhaps, I'll just forget to charge my new phone and stay home tonight. I hope you all have a great weekend, and I'll be back with another fresh post tomorrow. One!

Reflection Eternal

I apologize in advance for the cryptic and rambling nature of this post. Insomnia is kicking my ass tonight. I promise I'll be back to normal tomorrow. It's damn near daybreak and I'm up for no reason, just reflecting on my life. I do this every now and then when I can't sleep. That's why I always have the TV on or some music to distract me. Today, I'm watching the History Channel (with the close captioning on), and got the Erykah Badu blasting, but I can't shake the feeling. I gotta reflect.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, because half the shit going through my brain, I can't even talk about. Or more accurately, I choose not to talk about. I've become more selective about the pieces of me that I share on the blog. You know the basic personality, you know the motivations, you know some of the major events, but there is so much I don't say. When I get like this, I sometimes wish I had the guts to just say what was on my mind, damn the consequences. If you could see some of the posts I have in my drafts, you may have an entirely different perception of me. I wrote about some of the ill shit that I have done, some of the mistakes I have made, some of the ill shit that has been done to me. I just can't bring myself to post them. Part of me thinks that I should just let it all out, cuz it makes for some damn good reading, if I say so myself. But the other part of me worries about the effect of what my words would cause. Would you see me differently? Probably. Would you see some of your favorite bloggers (intentionally plural) differently? Undoubtedly, you would.

I reflect on the last couple of years and I see it like a movie. Maybe it's because I did nothing this weekend but watch DVD's, but my thoughts are real cinematic right now. I think I could pass off some of my experiences as fiction and sell them to Hollywood. I guess everybody's life is like that. Maybe it only seems dramatic to me, but the last two years would make a pretty good rising action in a plot. There is one big story that I have been itching to tell, but for the sake of keeping the peace, I've kept to myself. I mean, nobody, blog world or otherwise knows this story. Bits and pieces may have slipped out after a couple shots of Jack, but the whole story is locked up in my vault. People may think they know, but they have no idea. I'll take the blame for that. I've refused to talk about it, I've lied about it, I intentionally planted misinformation to avoid talking about it. I've been trying to psyche myself up to tell the whole story, but every time I get to the point where I wanna let it out, I self censor myself. And if you been reading me for awhile, its not the story you think I'm talking about, although it is somewhat related.

I guess the reason I've kept quiet is that I really don't like confrontation. I try my best to avoid conflict with people, to the point that I let them get away with their slanderous words and misperceptions of who I really am. And that's my justification for keeping quiet. It really wouldn't do any good to talk about it, except for the cathartic possibilities. I may feel better talking about it, but after that momentary feeling of relief, nothing will change. Drama would be all stirred up for no reason other than me wanting to get some shit off my chest. And is that really worth it? Once again, a rhetorical question. I've already decided that it's not worth it. Except on nights like this when I can't get my brain to stop working no matter how many times I put "Mama's Gun" on repeat.

I know I'm not the only one that keeps stuff to himself. I can always tell when I'm reading blogs where information has been intentionally omitted. I just decided (like as I'm typing this sentence) this week I'm going to try to tell you guys something that I have been holding in. Not necessarily the aforementioned story, but something that I have intentionally kept secret. I have to decide what it's gonna be. I think it will be good for me to unburden myself, as long as nobody else gets hurt. Check back tomorrow and I'll hopefully will have come up with something from my drafts that I was hesitant to post. This is gonna be my week of full fledged, unbridled honesty, whether it paints me in a bad light or not. Bear with me, it may not be pretty, but it should be interesting.

I Shall...Proceed

Today's Random Thought: Is something wrong with Japanese filmmakers? They make the most imaginative, sick, twisted movies. Is something wrong with me because I keep adding them to my rental queue?

"Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?"

This line from The Root's "Proceed" has been stuck in my head for the last couple of days. I'm not too sure why since I haven't heard it in a minute, but it kind of fits where I am mentally right now. I want to blink myself away to another space and time, where I don't have to deal with all this stress. I mean, if someone else told me that all that has happened in my life happened to them, my cynical ass would think that they were making it up. But since its me, I know it's true. Sometimes I feel like Nas said in "The World is Yours": "I need a new nigga, for this black cloud to follow/cuz while it's over me its too dark to see tomorrow." Totally Unrelated Hip Hop Sidenote. That was my second favorite song on Illmatic. The first was "Represent." The combination of DJ Premier flipping the beat to the Nutcracker Suite and Nas' brash, yet smooth lyrical delivery was untouchable. But back to my point, this one line has been heavy on my mind all weekend as I thought about where I am in my life.

As I sat in the whip after another tire debacle, (this time two tires in the middle of the night) the lyric reverberated in my head.... "Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?" As I sat in front of the computer working on my latest attempt of literary genius, (this time in screenplay format) I thought, "Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away." As I futilely tried to fall asleep Saturday afternoon, (this time I was up until 4pm), I bobbed my head to the imaginary sound of Black Thought positing "Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?"

I know it sounds like the rantings of a crazy person, but some good actually came out of my moment of madness. I came to a sort of epiphany. For the first time, in a long time, I know what I want to do with my life. I admit, it was born out of insomnia based delirium, but after giving it considerable thought, I have decided to change my career path. I'm not going to tell you all about it, just in case, I pull a Rashan and flake on it, but I actually got to the point of doing research on furthering my education and training in preparation for my new career. I think that although it wont make me rich, it will be fulfilling. I've told a few people about my potential plans, and they all have provided positive feedback, which makes me feel good. So wish me luck as I proceed with the next phase of my life.

So what if I could just blink myself away? Where do I see myself going? Hopefully, having a career instead of a job. Hopefully having a lasting bond rather than a series of intense, albeit temporary connections. Hopefully in a place where I am no longer confined by my own cynicism, which sometimes amazes and shocks even me. Hopefully, at the conclusion of a literary project instead of at the beginning of yet another promising idea. If I could blink myself away, like a masculine, sepia toned I Dream of Jeannie, I would get out of this rut that I've found myself in for the last few months. As nice as it sounds, it's not as simple as obstructing and opening ones oculars; there is hard work involved. I am, however, fully committed to taking on the task.

I Shall...Proceed!!!

Is It Still Called Hump Day If You Are Not Working?

Today's Random Thought: There really is not too much someone can say that will offend me. I mean, you can try to offend me, but it won't work.They are just words to me. I don't get all righteously indignant over words. Go ahead call me the n word, I might bust you upside the head for appearances sake, but I won't be offended.

My cell phone is broken. Whenever I push a button, or even hold it the wrong way, it turns off and turns back on. To make matters worse, sometimes when it reboots, it just keeps turning on and off automatically. I was supposed to go to the Sprint store and get it checked out but Monday, I was babysitting and I didn't have the car seat and Tuesday, well let's just say that I slept until 5:00 in the afternoon. So now it's Wednesday. I am up at 7 AM and common sense would tell me to either take my ass to sleep or stay up until the store opens. I've never been one to obey common's sense, so I'll probably have a broken cell phone for at least another day.

Insomnia isn't that bad when you are on vacation. Since I don't have to work, there is no pressure for me to actually get some sleep. I can just let it happen naturally. Like the other day, I was up until Noon before I got sleepy. Normally, my mind would have been racing trying to figure out what I could do to fall asleep, but it was all good. I just kept doing my regular thing until I fell out, which is probably what I will do today. All in all, it fits my weird personality. I couldn't be normal even if I had the inclination to do so, which I don't.

Speaking of quirky behavior, when I get bored, I go for a drive. It doesn't matter when or where, I'll just hop in the whip and wander around aimlessly. Probably not such a good idea for someone who is as directionally challenged as I am, but hey, getting lost is half the fun, right? What do you mean, its not? LOL. Last night, I got tired of sitting around and thinking so I went for a drive to clear my head. I somehow wound up in some hood in Atlanta at like 4 in the morning. There were people hanging out on the corner and I just know they thought I was coming to buy some crack or whatever the popular drug is now a days. When one cat in a white tee approached the car, I decided to take my non-from-the-streets-ass home.

My friend Jessica is coming to town today. At least that's what she told me last Friday before my cell phone inexplicably broke. Its been a good 6 or 7 months since I have seen her, so it will be good to hang out. Shit, I just remembered, my phone only rings about half the time, so I won't know when she gets here. Dammit, I guess I could call her from someone else's phone, but if she is anything like me, she is not going to answer an unknown number. I'll figure it out somehow. She can't just pop up, because she doesn't know where I live. When I moved, I got real incognegro, and didn't tell anybody where I was. I mean, they know I'm on the eastside, but they have never been to the crib. Really, only two people know exactly where I stay, and only one has been inside. I promise, it wasn't by design, it just worked out that way. But I have to say that it's cool not worrying about who is going to come to the crib uninvited and drink up all my liquor. It was kind of ridiculous at the old spot. Everybody and their mama used to come by unannounced, sending me scurrying to throw on some pants and answer the door. Maybe one day, I'll actually tell somebody where I live.

So that's what's going on in my world on this Hump Day. Perhaps if it really was hump day, I could actually fall asleep. But even though it rained last night, I'm still in a drought, so there is no regular sleep in the forecast for me. Did you catch the metaphor? LOL. Okay, now I know it's time to stop writing, because the silliness is taking over. Everybody have a good Wednesday!

Attention Deficit Dis... Hey look a shiny nickel!!!

I know I left you hanging with the whole fire post, but in light of what happened, I didn't feel like posting the story I wrote. It was about how me and my homeboy Kareem burned down his mother's crib on New Year's Eve 95. Turns out that my apartment was okay, but a nine year old boy died in the fire supposedly because he went back in the burning building to get a video game. It was too sad at the time for me to write a trivial post. When bad stuff happens to kids it really fucks with me. Anyway, if you want to read about the fire, here is the news link. Maybe one day, I'll pull my brush with fire story out of the drafts (it was pretty funny) and post it, but for now lets get back to my regularly scheduled nonsense.

Today's Random Thought: I really can't stand Rihanna. I don't have anything against her, but I just really do not like her music. I don't get why people like that "Umbrella" song. It seems like it was written by a 12 year old and features what may well be the worse Jay Z verse ever. He's not even on beat with his verse.

Let me start off today's post by giving a shout out to umm, what should I call you? Probably don't want me using the gov't name. I can't remember your blogger/myspace name, and I'm too lazy to look it up... Oh, I got it. What's up Mya Luv!!! It was cool hanging out with you Friday. What's that twice in a month? We keep this up, you might actually forgive me for not returning phone calls. LOL.

Speaking of Friday, I took notes cuz I was hearing some funny shit. Here are some of the highlights all by the "Drunk Lesbian." DISCLAIMER: All uses of the word "bitch" are quotes. I don't call women bitches, just suspect dudes. LOL

"Bitch, I will stab you in the liver so you can't drink no more"

Or the 5 minute diatribe about how she "beats her bitches"

Or when her girlfriend didn't answer the phone, "This bitch is avoiding me, she even take her phone with her to the bathroom. I mean she don't miss a call even when she's shitting"

Then she said she likes Asian men because (and this is a quote) "their penis is almost like a vagina."

And even later she ran dude out of the bar by drunkenly asking this dude who was tryna holla "Bitch, why you rubbing your man titties?" (He really was, it was hilarious) He was so shocked, he just left the whole bar.

Oh the comedy was in full effect. I only wish I was tipsy at the time.

Insomnia Update: I was off for 4 days last week. My insomnia has reached epic proportions.
Tuesday Night: I didn't sleep until 10:30 the next morning.
Wednesday Night: I fell asleep around 7:30 AM
Thursday Night: I fell asleep at 8AM
Friday Night: I fell asleep at midnight, then woke up at 2AM and didn't go back to sleep until 9AM
Saturday Night: I fell asleep at 7:30 AM.

The only good thing about not sleeping is that I have been catching up on some movies that I was late on. My favorite movie I saw this week, was "Talledega Nights", with Will Farrell. That was the funniest movie I've seen since "The 40 Year Old Virgin" I also watched "The Number 23" (it was aiight) and as I type this I'm half watching "Rocky Balboa." I think if this lack of sleeping persists, I'm gonna pick up one of my goals from last year. I was going to watch all of the movies on the AFI Greatest Movies list. So far I have seen 48 out of the 100. I know it's nerdy, but I gotta be what I am right? I used to want to make movies, and no, I'm not talking about R. Kelly type movies.

Speaking of Kels, have you heard his album? Just when I thought he couldn't get any more ridiculously raunchy, he puts out this album. I like it though. And don't tell no one, but I actually like Ne-Yo's album too. I wouldn't buy it, but I like it.

Can you tell I'm multi tasking right now? This post is on some ADD stuff, but that's okay. At least I'm finally posting semi regularly. They can't all be winners.

I think I'm an ass man now. I used to be more into the total package thing, but now I think I'm in Sir Mix A Lot's camp now. I like big butts... No real story there, just my A.D.D. kicking in.

I was told that I don't have Social Anxiety Disorder which I have self diagnosed myself with. If that's true, then I am just a lame. I think I like my excuse/defense mechanism better!

You wanna know the coolest thing in the world? My nephew calls my nuncle. Or nunka, something like that. But he recognizes me as his uncle. Kids are cool. Oh yeah, I don't have any kids. I think I confused some people when I did that letter to my son. That was all imaginary, a creative writing thing.

I like the idea of doing a "things that annoy me" post regularly, but I would probably sound like a real hater. I mean I am a hater, but I don't wanna come off that way.

Maybe it's just me, but I can't separate Eddie Murphy from Donkey anymore. Even when he gives interviews, I still think of the Shrek movies.

Why did I include a random thought, when the whole post turned out to be pretty damn random?

Anyway, it's that time again, boys and girls. Time for me to pretend that I'm gonna go to sleep when in actuality, I'm going to pop in the DVD of "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane" and stay up for a couple of more hours. Blockbuster Online is the shit even if they did copy Netflix. Have a great Monday!