20 Ways To Ensure That Rashan WILL Try To Holla

I thought about doing a jokey joke post about what I like about women. It was hilarious in my brain, but when I went to write it, it didn't translate well. Maybe I'll do that later, but this one is less tongue in cheek than the one I wrote yesterday. These are the things that make me want to (I say want to because I'm not normally the one that initiates) holla at a woman. Again, in no particular order and this list is by no means comprehensive...

1. Smell like strawberries or some other sweet smelling fragrance.
2. Be a little sarcastic and know how to take my sarcasm.
3. Smile like you are laughing at an inside joke.
4. Say my name right. Doesn't it feel good in your mouth?
5. Have some cool ish on your ipod. Not necessarily stuff I already know and like, but something you can turn me onto.
6. Have your own signature verbiage.
7. Be a little mysterious.
8. Have a fresh hairstyle (again, don't care what style as long as it's fresh)
9. Be soft.
10. Display great conversational skills.
11. Make me look up a word that I didn't previously know.
12. Tell me I'm wrong when you (mistakenly) think I'm wrong.
13. Be a little quirky (not to be confused with being crazy)
14. Get some of my obscure references. I'm not asking for all of them, just some.
15. Have big wet looking lips (lip gloss, not lipstick)
16. Make me laugh.
17. Be a little (just a little) mean. You know, when the situation calls for it.
18. Be conservatively sexy in your dress.
19. Have a passion for something, anything.
20. Exhibit an artistic nature.

What you think? Too much to ask for? I don't need all of them, but these are some of the things that I like. It's not a deal breaker if she doesn't have these qualities. Anybody know somebody like this for me? LOL

20 Ways To Ensure That Rashan Will Not Try To Holla

In No Particular Order... Explanations Provided Upon Request... Also these are just jokes, don't take them too seriously... or do. I'ont care. LOL

1. Wear a bad wig, bad weave, or don't do anything to your hair at all.
2. Not know the difference between the general and primary elections
3. Talk to me about your period in detail.
4. Fix your lips to tell me that Tupac is better than Biggie. (exemption granted for women from California, but only the Bay Area)
5. Agree with everything I say.
6. Have a cliche tattoo. (exemption granted if said tattoo was in place before 21st birthday)
7. Wear a shirt too small or a skirt too tight.
8. Be afraid to speak your mind.
9. Complain all the time.
10. Be too muscular. (6 packs are acceptable if the booty is still intact.)
11. Ignore your kids.
12. Have no sense of humor.
13. Have standards for your mate that you are not willing to hold yourself up to.
14. Be bisexual (exemption granted if said bisexuality occurred during an experimental phase in college.)
15. Know the words to any Lil Wayne, DipSet, or chopped and screwed song that appears only on a mixtape.
16.Have no lips
17. Talk too loudly and/or too ignorantly.
18.Talk about sex too early in our interaction. (exemption granted if I bring it up, which won't happen or if alcohol is involved.)
19.Call me more than 3 times before I call you back.
20. Be normal.

Any questions? Some of these are real things that have happened, others are just made up.

Fellas, Don't Do This Stuff Anymore, Yo!

And this is coming from the same dude that admitted earlier today that he used to watch Felicity and that he has a Febreze scented oil warmer that smells like cookies... For real, my man, don't do this stuff, yo! It makes you look suspect. All drawn from real life experiences. I don't expect you to agree with all of them. This is a Rashan moment.

Don't ride around in your whip, leaned back in the seat, pimpin playing female empowerment songs. It's not cool to have Chrissette Michelle pumping out your Blaupunkt. You can't look manly doing the "pat yo weave, ladies" dance in your whip. I like Anita Baker too. But "Body and Soul" bumpin from your ride? Might wanna check that.

Don't use Victoria Secret's lotion in public. I don't care how much you like the vanilla joints, its not made for a man. Nothing against you getting your moisturizer on, but when you pull out the Vicky from your man purse, you look a little suspect.

Don't talk about your manicure. No, scratch that... Don't talk about your manicurist... in glowing terms. I'm not hating on you taking care of your hands. I probably should get that done too. But for real, being on a first name basis with her and saying "I don't let no one else touch these nails" is taking it a little too far. Again, get your manicure, I don't care, but for real don't call your manicurist "my nail girl."

Don't be dancing around with your homeboys. All up in the club doing choreographed steps and shit. Shaking your dreads in a synchronized fashion. Not dancing with any of the girls in the spot, but popping, locking and dropping at the same time as your boys. Cut that stuff out, yo! The only time you should be doing the exact same step as your homeboy is if you got on matching outfits and are performing ON STAGE. Not the dance floor, ON STAGE with thousands of teenyboppers screaming the name of your R&B group. The only excuse for male choreography is if you A. in a boy band or B) trying to start a boy band or C) in a dance competetion presented by Randy Jackson. or D) in the sequel to You Got Served. (speaking of which, anyone else find that You Got Served episode of South Park utterly hilarious?)

Dont use the phrase "no homo." Where the hell did this come from? I first saw it on the internet, but now people in real life are saying this mess too. Is it really that deep that you can't give another man props without saying "no homo?" Do you really think that saying that makes us think you are not gay, or if you forgot to say it, we would think you are? Example. I like Jay-Z (no homo.) Just crazy to me. Nobody was even thinking you were gay until you decided to clarify stuff.

That's all I got. I'm going back to sleep now. What you think men shouldn't do?

Note To Self AKA My Random Post

Sometimes when the silence becomes deafening, I have an internal dialogue with myself. I remind myself about what I need to do. Here is today's conversation.

NOTE TO SELF:

Don't forget that you have a blog. You haven't written in a week.

Gas is damn near three dollars a gallon, stop driving around aimlessly.

Just because other people think you are a pimp, doesn't make it true.

It's probably not a good idea to let your 9 year old niece shave your head. The Mohawk was not such a good look. (Y'all don't wanna see a picture of that do you?)

No matter how bored you are, don't under any circumstances make that phone call. That can only lead to disaster.

Bread, milk, eggs, cheese, etc...

Stop being lazy and do some overtime before it's not available anymore.

Find a backup NFL team to cheer for because Mike Vick is on the verge of messing up the Falcons with all his off the field problems.

Amazing follow through. See what you can do if you put your mind to it?

Suck it up and go to Savannah. Your family needs you.

If you would iron your clothes on Sunday, you wouldn't have to rush out of the house every day.

Umm...when are you going to finally get your CD player for the whip. You hate the radio, so what are you waiting for?

I thought the idea of spending $129 in the grocery store was so you would stop buying fast food. Cook once in awhile.

I know you said you weren't gonna date anybody from the job, but look at her. She is practically begging you to take her out. You can't be that blind, can you?

All work and no play makes Rashan a dull boy. All work and no play makes Rashan a dull boy. All work and no play makes Rashan a dull boy.....

Don't forget to download The Sopranos. Even though it is boring as hell, it is still entertaining.

Hip Hop without hoes is like R&B without begging. It can work, but it'll never happen. Remember to find out what Russell Simmons really said and by all means avoid this topic when you see Mom.

You should be packing for the Savannah trip right about now instead of writing this bullshit post. What? I know I was the one who said not to forget your blog, but now you're done, so get off the computer.

Oh yeah, and stop talking to yourself before people think you have lost your mind.

Happy Valentine's Day

Apparently I forgot I had a blog, but here I am back again. It's Valentine's Day, the most irrelevant of the so called holidays for people like me: the perpetually unattached. I haven't celebrated for the last few years, but I know for many people this is a very important day. Valentine's Day can make or break a relationship. Here are a few dos and don'ts for having a Happy Valentine's Day from personal experience.

Don't be afraid to be original. A dozen red roses are nice, but something a little more creative will go a long way in impressing your date. Anyone can go to 1800Flowers.com and order a bouquet. Different and unique will keep your woman the envy of her friends

Make reservations. As a procrastinator, I've seen in the past that trying to find a restaurant at the last minute on Valentine's Day doesn't work. You don't wanna wind up taking her to the Waffle House.

Don't expect too much too soon. If you just met that man a month ago, don't assume that he will be getting you jewelry. And fellas, if you haven't had sex with her yet, don't assume that because you take her to Red Lobster that you are guaranteed to get some for the first time.

Fellas, if your woman says that she doesn't care about Valentine's Day, don't believe her. More than likely, she is gonna be sitting at work mad that the co worker she hates got flowers and she didn't.

Ladies, don't get your man flowers and teddy bears and stuff like that. He doesn't want them, and it will only embarrass him. A man only needs two things for V day. Food and sex. Pick one or pick both, but please don't give him the girly stuff that you want.

If you don't have a significant other, please do not fake it. I've seen people send themselves flowers from a so called secret admirer. We can see through that mess. Ain't nothing wrong with being single... you might even be able to hook up with another single person and have a good time.

Don't be surprised if you get the relationship talk over dinner. You may just be dating, but there's something about Valentine's Day that brings out the romantic in women. You may wanna be careful about inviting random girls out on this day. Next thing you know, your booty call is now your girlfriend.

Don't have 2 dates on Valentine's Day... Oh, wait maybe that was just me. I'll have to tell that story one day. LOL

I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Valentine's Day. Maybe next year, I'll be one of you romantic saps spending all my money for a Hallmark holiday. I don't sound bitter, do I? LOL Seriously, have a good day/week/month cuz who knows when I will post again.