.jpg)
New Post at 1 PM EST...
Nikki: Mom wants you to write something for her birthday party.
Me: Okay...
Nikki: She says none of your biting satire or anything that'll make her feel bad.
Me: Word? How about if I'm sarcastic to someone else?
Nikki: I brought that up. She says none. Also don't mention the word "Sixty" in it.
Me: Well, what am I supposed to write? She's kinda handcuffing me. You can't put restrictions on my genius.
Nikki: (laughs) I don't know. Figure it out.
Me: There will be absolutely no poetry. What does she want me to write a short story or something?
Nikki: I don't know.
That was an excerpt from a conversation I had last night with my sister. On June 13th, my moms is turning the big 6 Oh. See, I didn't mention the verboten word. She's having a party in Savannah, and of course I will be going. I was hoping to just be the cameraman, but now I have a role to play. She wants all of her children and grandchildren to do something at the party, but umm I'm at a loss. See, the problem is I don't do sentimental very well. I sometimes wonder how I could actually be related to this woman that cries at commercials and gets weepy at the drop of a dime. I must really take after my father in that realm. I don't have a clue of what I can write about. Sure, I can do like I do on my blog and tell stories, but I can't really think of any right now. All of my stories are filled with debauchery, or embarrassment, or frustration. I've been wracking my brain to come up with an appropriate make my mom cry story. Or maybe I can do a fiction story, but all of those are ironic or not necessarily appropriate for telling in front of moms and grandma, not to mention the myriad of friends and family that will be in attendance. I simply DO NOT DO INSPIRATIONAL!!! I don't even like inspirational movies. But that's a post for another day. I don't know. I'll figure something out I guess.
Also, what do you get the woman that has everything and/or refuses to tell you what she wants. I've been thinking about this for months, but I haven't come up with anything. Well, that's not exactly true. She did hint around that she wanted to go to the Tina Turner concert in November. Unfortunately, by the time my sister dragged this info out of her, of course the tickets were sold out. I checked some of the scalper websites and tickets are going for like $600 each. I love my mother, but I'm not sure I'm trying to pay $1200 for her birthday. I mean, she know I'm broke. LOL. Plus, I know ain't no way my brother is gonna kick in anything substantial. And my sister ain't got no job except homeschool teacher right now. We'll see what I can come up with, but I'm open for any suggestions. No really, tell me what to buy. Okay, have a good day, and I'll holla at you all later.
It was pointed out to me yesterday that May 25th was my half birthday. 6 months until my 34th. I know that some people are gonna say that's mad old, son... but you know what? It is what it is. Old is a state of mind, and I don't feel old, so let's have no more discussions of that. LOL. I still look youthful enough to get carded, gray strands of hair on my beard not withstanding. So, I'm 33 and a half today. 12236 days old (factoring the 8 leap years that have occurred since the world was blessed by my presence my birth.) 1742 weeks. 402 months. That's cause for celebration, don't you think? Even if you don't, indulge me, cuz that's kinda the point of the post.
Usually my birthdays are wack. I don't hardly receive any presents which is partially my fault because I don't want to put people out, so I tell them not to spend too much money on me. It also has to do with my birthday being a month before Christmas. People tend to combine birthday and Christmas. One more thing, I sometimes alienate people with my anti social behavior. I know shocking right? I mean just because I can't be bothered to hang out with you every week, is no reason you can't spend all of your hard on funds to commemorate the day I escaped from my mothers uterus was born, right? And the celebrations? For the most part they are understated affairs. Stuff I could have done on any Friday or Saturday. For example, my last birthday? Read about it here, but it was supposed to be so much more. My people allegedly planned a party for me, but since I was still in Savannah post Thanksgiving, the whole thing fell through. But I don't think it was really too much of a party anyway. For one thing, the guest list was the same old people that I see all the time. Not that I don't like them, but to me, a party indicates that its gonna be more than just 4-6 people drinking. Where were the women, the new work friends, the people that I like that you don't necessarily know? I'm just saying, if its a party, then at least let me have some input on the guest list.
Okay, I'm done ranting. I know I have 6 months before my actual birthday arrives, but I wanna do it differently this year. It'd be nice for once to actually to get stuff or have a party. So, I'm gonna plan my own joint this year. This is my birthday wish list. Some of the stuff is serious, other stuff is tongue in cheek. Again, just indulge me...
A GPS system: Yo, for real. I need this like a Flavor of Love contestant need penicillin. I get lost in so many different ways its ridiculous. Even when I have the directions, stuff still goes wrong. For example Saturday, I was headed to the Blue Room for some grown and sexy clubbing. I had the directions, followed them to a tee, but when I got to Old Peachtree Rd... there was a cement wall in the street and a sign that said "Road Closed." Try as I might I couldn't find another way on to the street, so I basically drove around lost for awhile. When I finally found the spot, it was nowhere near the where the online directions led me. Just another example of why I need a GPS in my life.
A Vacation: Anybody want me to come visit them? LOL I need to get outta of Georgia for a minute. I haven't really been anywhere in the last couple of years with the exception of Savannah. The last time I think was when I went to Dallas for my cousin's wedding. I always find a reason not to go. Someone's sick or needs to borrow some money or I don't wanna go by myself or I don't have anymore vacation time or whatever other excuse I can think of. Forget all of that. I need to be out.
A Blogger Hookup: I know lots of people probably think that its unhealthy to talk to bloggers offline as much as i do, but I disagree. . You bloggers are some interesting, intelligent, cool people. I don't mind at all talking to, emailing, IM'ng (although I haven't logged in awhile) to bloggers. The same thing goes for meeting you guys. I'm all for it. My birthday would be a great time for someone to coordinate a trip to ATL. There's plenty of other stuff to do here, so if you have to tell yourself that you are not coming just for me, that'll help you out too. LOL
A Watch: I need a watch, but I'll never buy it for myself, thus the reason for putting it on my birthday list. The last one I had was given to me by my last ex girlfriend. That was mad years ago. The battery died, then I lost it the last time I moved. I'm not even talking about an expensive watch, and I know I could buy one at anytime, but I won't. I'm tired of having to look at my phone every time I want to know what time it is.
Clean out my closet: I can already hear someone getting excited at this prospect. But there's a catch. Said person would not only have to get rid of all the stuff that needs to go, but they would have to replace it for me. I don't mean that they would have to pay for the new clothes, but they would be responsible for telling me what to buy. I'll be your own personal blank slate. Just don't have me looking crazy in a Gordon Gartrelle. LOL
Gift Cards, Gift Cards, Gift Cards: I know these are the lazy man's gift, but I love them. I can get what I want when I want it. Bes.t Bu.y, I Tun.es, hell, just go to Am.az.on so I can just get what I want without going to the store. The only thing that sucks about gift cards is when you get them from different stores. Like I got $25 to Wal.m.art and $25 to Ta.rg.et. Then I gotta go to 2 different stores, and you know how much I hate that. The moral of the story? Coordinate gift card purchases. LOL.
Music: Don't get me your homeboy's new CD. Repeat: DO NOT GET ME YOUR HOMEBOY'S NEW CD! I'm a bit of a music snob, which is just a fancy way of saying, I don't like wack shit. I'm allergic to wackness - c - Talib Kweli 2007. But you know what I would like? Some classic music box sets. You know like B.ob M.arley, Cur.tis M.ayfield, Mar.vin Ga.ye.. stuff like that. But not just black music. I'll take some Sina.tra or To.ny Benn.ett. Stuff I like, but would never buy for myself.
A Flask: Just cuz I think they are cool. I don't really drink like that (although my head would disagree with me after last night) but I still want one.
Electronics: I need an upgrade on just about every piece of electronic equipment I have: the ipod, the PS2 (which I haven't used in about a year. Wii, anyone?) I never replaced my TV that was murdered by lightning, I need a new video card for my CPU, the digital camera is a few years old... you get the point. Anybody wanna hook me up some electronical (I'm aware that's not a real word) goodness?
A Real Party: I already complained about this earlier, but I don't wanna go to a club, or hang out with a few friends, I want an all out bash. A roomful of people there just for my entertainment. Maybe I'll wait for my 35th for this one.
Go ahead and tell me I'm ridiculous. I don't care. LOL. I know I have 6 months before my birthday, but I'm the worlds biggest procrastinator. If I don't put this out here now, next thing I know it'll be November 23 and I'll have just 2 days to beg for gifts until my birthday. And for the record, I'm not so deluded that I actually think you are gonna get me stuff. "I'm just kidding like Jason...unless you gonna do it." Wow, I just quoted Nelly, so I know its time to get off this blog and go to sleep. Have a good Memorial Day. I'm a be at work doing nothing, so I'll check all your blogs then. One!
PS... I forgot to tell this, but it didn't fit in with any of my posts. Thursday I'm at work, about to go to lunch. I look down at my feet and realize that I have on 2 different shoes. On my left was my brown loafer type shoe, on my right, a black lace up more casual shoe. I don't know how I managed to do that. I actually thought I was looking good that day until I saw that. Why didn't anybody tell me? LOL
When someone asks you if you want another shot, and you know that you shouldn't, please take my advice: Trust Yourself.
I was doing just fine, remaining in that tipsy zone, on the edge of drunk, when the waitress asked if I wanted another shot. Actually, she peer pressured me into it. Said "It's your birthday, you gotta get twisted." Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I can usually withstand it, but something about the combination of bouncing booties and trying to have a great time, made me change my mind. I made that fatal mistake that many club goers make. I ordered another shot...
"Lemme get a double shot of Patron"
Why I do that? I was doing just fine, being judicious with my funds. Being selective with the table dances. But after that shot, I was just gone. Any dancer that whispered seductively in my ear got a dance, even that snaggled tooth girl who ordinarily just sits down because nobody wants her to dance for them. Don't get me wrong, I already had a strip club budget for my birthday; I didn't take in more money than I could afford to spend, but I could have kept even more. I still walked out with money in my pocket, but that easily could have been doubled if not for that last shot.
I didn't like what I was feeling. I was keeping a mental tally of my loot, but was unable to stop myself from spending it. I was even oblivious to the fights that happened right behind me. Or when the DJ stopped the music, I didn't even notice. The worst part was that I had to stay in the club longer than I intended to, just to make sure that Patron wore off. It would have really sucked to get a DUI on my birthday. Today, my actual birthday, I'm dragging. I didn't have to be at work until 4:30, but I was still late. I wouldn't call it a hangover, but I definitely was feeling some kind of way today. I didn't want to see any food, especially not birthday cake. Now, I'm better. Ready to respond to all the birthday text messages and calls that I ignored this morning and afternoon. Ready to start being 33. Don't get me wrong, I had a helluva good time, but I really shouldn't have had that last shot.
