Phone Boning*

*phone boning - the act of talking sweet or making love on the phone... also known as caking. That's not what this post is about. This is about my phone boning me. LOL

Spring strikes again… I’m saying, I think there’s a conspiracy to detach my money from my bank account. I blame Spring. I bet you are getting tired of hearing about it, but its so sincere. I already told you about last year when I was going through 4 cars in a 3 month span. Or this year, when I just last week paid a grip to fix some obscure car problem that could only happen to me or a member of my family. Now, today, I had to buy a new phone. I just got a new one in November, but that one is a wrap. And because of the way that the damage was inflicted on the phone, it was not covered by the warranty.

My phone was already kinda bootleg to begin with; You kinda expect that when you only get the free upgrade phone, instead of spending any loot on it. Ask anyone that’s talked to me on the phone, and they will tell you that my phone would turn off at least once during any extended conversation. I’m not talking about dropping calls, I’m talking completely powering down, then recycling and turning back on. Plus my beard rubbing against the phone sounded like ashy hands rubbing sandpaper in a blender. It was all part of the package deal. You get what you pay for. No biggie. Well, Friday morning, I realized that the phone was not charging at all. I plugged it in, but no charge. I even thought it might be the phone charger, so I bought a car charger, since I couldn’t get to the Sprint Store before they closed. Tried that, and that didn’t work either. I talked sparingly on the phone last night trying to preserve a little bit of battery life until I could get to the store to see if they could fix it, or possibly get a new phone. When I woke up this morning after a long insomnia filled night, I realized that I forgot to turn the phone off before I went to sleep. There goes that extra battery life. Plus I woke up mad late and didn’t have time to make it to the store.

So, I went to work. Did I mention this is the one Saturday a month that I have to work. So, yeah, I was at work. Finally on my lunch break I went to the Sprint Store and had them check out my phone. Apparently, the charging connectors were shorted out, and would no longer charge the phone. Guess what’s not covered by warranty: electrical damage. My punk ass apartment has hella electrical problems. Like when my dryer blew the electrical socket or when my TV and VCR got struck by lightning, even though they were in a surge protector. Or when the microwave just randomly decides to turn on and off. You get the point? It’s messed up. Anyway, enough complaining about that, lets move on. I decided to go ahead and actually pay for a phone for the first time in my life. The damage to my phone may be covered under my renter's insurance, but I'm not sure yet. Gotta check the policy details to see if it would even be worth it to file a claim.

Cool! I have a phone now. It’s nothing special but its not the free free wack joint that I always get. But of course, there’s another problem. My old phone died and all my numbers are trapped in the purgatory of the unchargeable phone. Sure, I can get some of the numbers from my phone bill, or from my voice mail, but the numbers that I haven’t called in a while are all gone. So much for trying to reconnect with the ghosts of my past (like I would really do it anyway.) If any of you have my number and I act like I don’t know who you are, now you know why. I’m a be screening like a mug for a few days. LOL Aiight, so, I know I owe you a MTB amongst other posts, but you’ll just have to deal with it until I get back right. Spring just keeps trying me... but I’m cool. Bout to go get some drinks, if I can remember my people’s phone number so I can meet up with them. Dammit, man! This is getting annoying. One!

The Swagger ®

Courtesy of a conversation I had with Kareeem and his buddies Friday. It was just an funny idea, but you know me, I had to expand it into a blog post.

"Niggas would buy the swagger phone in epic numbers..."

Introducing The Swagger ® by Motorola

Do you want to get that swagger back? Are you tired of the same old boring cell phone. Well, Motorola is proud to present the phone just for you... The Swagger ®.

Preloaded with 1000's of the latest hood anthem ringtones, The Swagger ® is the hottest thing on the streets.* From its custom made blinged out carry case, to its Bathing Apes sponsored numbered buttons, The Swagger ® has just what you need to impress that trifling nigga or gold digging female. Dazzle your crew by being the first to download the Pimp Chalice screen saver. Be the king of your block by using our patented T-9 Ebonics text messaging technology.* This function turns your average ordinary text message into a swagtastic conversation. Check out this example read by our paid spokesman, Samuel L Jackson.

Ordinary Text: What time is the party?
Ebonic T-9 Text: Hey, muhfucka. When dem shawties comin' thru

Ladies: Don't think we forgot about you. You need to get your swagger back too. Our special pink phone is ready to go with all your favorite anthems. Act now and you can get the Mary J Blige female empowerment Swagger® phone, which comes with a complimentary weave-holding pouch and a dynamic shoe sale guide right there on your display screen. Plus on your phone, the numbers are actually sponsored by Louis Vuitton. Guaranteed to show your swagger.

The most impressive feature of The Swagger ® is the dial a date function. Whenever you need an ego boost, dial #69 and the Swagger ® will hook you up with an eager and willing mate.*** This feature is also available via IM for you computer lovers out there. The Swagger ® phone will break you out of that dry spell you're going through and help you feel like the Man (or the Woman) again.

So, ditch that old boring cell phone and get your Swagger ® back. For a limited time only, get a set of detachable rims for your Swagger. ® ****

The Swagger ® available at bodegas, cornerstores and barbershops everywhere... just what you need to get yo' swagger back.

The Swagger ® is a registered trademark of Rashan Jamal. 2007. All rights reserved.

* Hottest in the streets claim made from scientific survey of 4000 drug dealers, playas, and hustlers. Results in Oct 2007 issue of Vibe Magazine.

** Standard text messaging rates apply. Not responsible for misunderstandings, hurt feelings, or translation errors.

*** Dial a date feature an extra $99.99/month. Available only in the 48 contiguous states. Offer not valid in Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico and where prostitution is illegal.

**** For a limited time only, while supplies last. Mobile phone rims are for entertainment purposes only and should not be used on automobiles.

Is It Still Called Hump Day If You Are Not Working?

Today's Random Thought: There really is not too much someone can say that will offend me. I mean, you can try to offend me, but it won't work.They are just words to me. I don't get all righteously indignant over words. Go ahead call me the n word, I might bust you upside the head for appearances sake, but I won't be offended.

My cell phone is broken. Whenever I push a button, or even hold it the wrong way, it turns off and turns back on. To make matters worse, sometimes when it reboots, it just keeps turning on and off automatically. I was supposed to go to the Sprint store and get it checked out but Monday, I was babysitting and I didn't have the car seat and Tuesday, well let's just say that I slept until 5:00 in the afternoon. So now it's Wednesday. I am up at 7 AM and common sense would tell me to either take my ass to sleep or stay up until the store opens. I've never been one to obey common's sense, so I'll probably have a broken cell phone for at least another day.

Insomnia isn't that bad when you are on vacation. Since I don't have to work, there is no pressure for me to actually get some sleep. I can just let it happen naturally. Like the other day, I was up until Noon before I got sleepy. Normally, my mind would have been racing trying to figure out what I could do to fall asleep, but it was all good. I just kept doing my regular thing until I fell out, which is probably what I will do today. All in all, it fits my weird personality. I couldn't be normal even if I had the inclination to do so, which I don't.

Speaking of quirky behavior, when I get bored, I go for a drive. It doesn't matter when or where, I'll just hop in the whip and wander around aimlessly. Probably not such a good idea for someone who is as directionally challenged as I am, but hey, getting lost is half the fun, right? What do you mean, its not? LOL. Last night, I got tired of sitting around and thinking so I went for a drive to clear my head. I somehow wound up in some hood in Atlanta at like 4 in the morning. There were people hanging out on the corner and I just know they thought I was coming to buy some crack or whatever the popular drug is now a days. When one cat in a white tee approached the car, I decided to take my non-from-the-streets-ass home.

My friend Jessica is coming to town today. At least that's what she told me last Friday before my cell phone inexplicably broke. Its been a good 6 or 7 months since I have seen her, so it will be good to hang out. Shit, I just remembered, my phone only rings about half the time, so I won't know when she gets here. Dammit, I guess I could call her from someone else's phone, but if she is anything like me, she is not going to answer an unknown number. I'll figure it out somehow. She can't just pop up, because she doesn't know where I live. When I moved, I got real incognegro, and didn't tell anybody where I was. I mean, they know I'm on the eastside, but they have never been to the crib. Really, only two people know exactly where I stay, and only one has been inside. I promise, it wasn't by design, it just worked out that way. But I have to say that it's cool not worrying about who is going to come to the crib uninvited and drink up all my liquor. It was kind of ridiculous at the old spot. Everybody and their mama used to come by unannounced, sending me scurrying to throw on some pants and answer the door. Maybe one day, I'll actually tell somebody where I live.

So that's what's going on in my world on this Hump Day. Perhaps if it really was hump day, I could actually fall asleep. But even though it rained last night, I'm still in a drought, so there is no regular sleep in the forecast for me. Did you catch the metaphor? LOL. Okay, now I know it's time to stop writing, because the silliness is taking over. Everybody have a good Wednesday!