Segregation

I'm here to tell you that segregation is alive and well. At least it is at my job. I guess it always has been, but I took break at a different time yesterday, with people I don't know, and realized how much birds of a feather truly flocked together. And its not just race, although that is a big factor as well. Here are some of the cliques I noticed...

The Black Group - You'll conversations about For The Love of Ray J, Beyonce and 'em.

The White Group - Usually talking in hushed tones about Obama or Bill O'Reilly. They are out numbered, so they usually huddle together when the topic is controversial.

The Asians - Talking about computers or something.

The Latinos- Don't really know what they are talking about because they alternate between English and Spanish.

Samoans - Do the Humpty Hump.. Do the Humpty Hump... (Just kidding, their aren't any Samoans, but do you remember in that song when randomly bust out with Samoans? Ridiculous..)

Then it breaks down even further....

The Black Hot Girls - These are the ones wearing the tight jeans and heels in the summer, or the tight jeans and furry boots in the winter. They always got their hair done and are talking on the phone or to each other about going out to some club where a celebrity is gonna be.

The Dominican Hot Girls - Always seem angry. Always for some reason sound like they are from New York. Can be heard cursing some one out in English and Spanish loudly. Quick to call the person they are talking to on the phone "stoooopid."

The Black Gay Guys - They sound like a walking stereotype. Many "giirrrrls" and lispy talking about American Idol.

The Black Straight Guys - Sports, Women, Music all day, every day.

The Seth Rogan White Guys - They look like the guy from Knocked Up with the scruffy beard, slacker look. Talking about electronics and World of Warcraft. They are sarcastically funny and never cease to crack me up with their strange sense of humor.

The Mom Jeans group -Talk about their mini vans, or home improvement shows or something that their kid did at school.

The Real Lesbians - look like a guy, talk like a guy, dress like a guy. talk about girls booties.

The Fake Lesbians - look like a girl, talk like a girl, dress like a girl. like girls (most of the time).

The Big Girls - for some reason they all hang out together.

The Storytellers - doesn't matter what race they are, they all hang out together. In the course of 15 minutes you can hear them competing to see who has the most outrageous story. I don't think they even listen to each other, just waiting for a lull to start talking.

The Black White Girls - always talking about how fly Rashan is. How can they get Rashan? Why wont Rashan talk to me? LOL

The Rashan - always by himself. Either on the phone or got the iPod playing. People from all groups talk to him, especially when he doesn't want to hear what they have to say allowing him to notice and document the many different segregated groups at work. Wants to be segregated, but they wont let him. LOL


Is your workplace segregated? What are some of the groups you see at your job?

Overheard While Checking The Mail

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Open up! I know you in there"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Stop playing, I see your car out here"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Why you got me out here looking like a fool? Just open the door. Let's talk about this."

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Who is she? Why you picking her over me?"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"I'm a beat that bitch ass when I find her."

*Door Opens - It's another woman*

"Why you making a scene out here. Go on home, you knew what this was"

"But baby..."

*Door Slams*

Saturday Night In Pictures

Monie didn't think I was gonna do it, but ha ha, the jokes on you. I accomplished 75% of my going out plans. Where's my $15??? Here is Saturday night at Kristin's birthday get together. I don't really know her, but she is my friend's fiancee's little sister, and they asked me to come along, so I obliged.

I got there before everybody else. So not like me. For example, I was 2 hours late on Friday because of traffic and the obsessive compulsive barber who wanted to make sure every strand of hair was appropriately sheared with scissors. But anyway, as I waited for the rest of the party to arrive, I did what I do best: Camera whoring. These are some flicks I took whilst waiting in the car.







I actually took a bunch more, but you know I had to weed out the ones where I looked crazy. After the rest of the folks arrived, we drank and ate and I talked to the people that were on my side of the table. There wound up being like 12 of us, but I don't remember anybody's name, so there will be no labeling. The first one is me and my best friend/lil sister Kristie and her fiancee's hand.

There were other guys there, but how I look taking a picture of some dude? LOL. This last picture was me preparing for the drive home. If you notice my eyes are a little more closed, but I still look the same. Good looking out, Desy for getting me home safely. Remember, you can't make fun of me for anything I said while in that state. LOL

And just because these pictures were on my camera when I uploaded the rest, here a couple of my nephews. The first one is Carlin and Justin. The second one is Justin at his dedication a few weeks back. That's my finger he's holding.

Awww, ain't they cute!!! Funny story. My gas tank was on E on the way home, but I didn't feel like stopping to get gas in my inebriated state. I went home and just crashed out. So early this morning, after being awakened by another blogger's phone call, I decided to hit the gas station. Why did I run out of gas? LOL I can be so stupid sometimes. Luckily there's a gas station directly outside the gate of my complex, so no big deal, but man imagine if that woulda happened while I was driving home. Okay, its now like 8:30 and I'm gonna go back to sleep. Have a great day!

Concert Recap

By now, you are either tired of waiting for me to write about the concert, or tired of hearing about it. I'm in the latter category, but I'll write it up anyway....

I left work on Friday and rather than trying to fight traffic to get home, I met my friend Kristie at her house. Its closer to my job, so I brought my clothes with me and got dressed there. After procrastinating for a while, I finally ironed and got ready. Once I was looking appropriately fly (LOL) we headed to the train station in separate cars. Since we live on opposite sides of the metro area, we took separate cars, so that when the night was over, I didn't have to go all the way back up there. To say that I didn't know where I was, would be an understatement, but I followed her down all those desolate roads and eventually wound up in civilization. We got on the train and headed to downtown Atlanta to the Fox theater.

When we got there, there was a crush of Black people in the atrium. Usually when I go to concerts, even hip hop concerts, the crowd is at least half white. Not for this one... it was all colored. LOL. We get in and they didn't check us for cameras or anything, so I could have brought mine. Oh well, the usher took us to the seats and they were great seats. I had seen the seating chart online, but I didn't realize I was gonna be that close. I wasn't front row or anything but I had a good view of everything. Raheem DeVaughn came on first and ran through some of his singles. He was high energy and gave a good show. He had on a suit with a bow tie and some sneakers, looking like as Stace said, "a hip hop hippie." Very Andre 3000-esque. He only performed for about 30 minutes, which was disappointing but totally understandable once Jill came on. After his performance he was taking pictures for $20 in the lobby. My homegirl got one, wait... remind me to get my $20 from her. She didn't have cash on her, so technically, I paid for it.

Next up, after a long intermission, Jill came on. I'm not gonna go down the list of all the songs she did, but lets just say she was amazing. I'm a Jill Scott groupie now. I always liked her, but even more now. The band was ridiculous. Her voice was flawless, she was getting down on the stage. Some of my favorites... when she did "Long Walk" and mixed it with Roy Ayer's "Sunshine", the bluesy version of "He Loves Me", "How it Make you feel"... Really all of it was just great. She did a good mix of the old and the new. Before I knew it 2 hours of straight performing with no breaks went by. At that point she left the stage, but no one in the audience left, so she came out and did a couple more songs. Then she really left, they turned up the lights and people started to leave. Jill then came back and said the show was officially over, but she wanted to share a new song with us. It started out with just Jill onstage, beatboxing and then singing. Then the entire band came back and joined her, then it morphed into an audience participation thing. It was mad cool. All told, Jill put on a 2 and half hour show by herself.

After the show, Kristie and I walked back to the train station (I remember one year at Freaknik, I asked a cop "where's the train station, yo?" He responded by saying "we don't have trains. We have MARTA" Not sure why I inserted that sidebar in...) and saw some interesting characters while waiting. Like the guy that had on a suit and some crocs. I didn't know they made those things for grown men. Or the guy that was playing a sitar on the train... but not asking for money. Or the guy that we thought was a woman at first that decided that he wanted to stretch on the train, and was about *thisclose* from putting his leg behind his neck. It was a character fest, and me without my camera. By the time we got back to the cars, it was too late to go get some food, so we just headed home. All in all, a great night.

Who Needs Sleep?

Apparently, I don't. It's now 1 pm and I haven't been to sleep yet. It's been a bit of a strange day. I came home from work last night and watched a bunch of TV on the internet. Next thing I knew it was 7 in the morning. I figured why go to sleep, I had some errands to run anyway. You know how crazy stuff tends to follow me? Well, today was no exception.

First thing, I went to get some gas this morning. It was mad cold as I pumped my $49.67 worth of gas. I finished when a lady in a BMW truck pulled up at the pump next to mine. I was about to get in my car when she spoke. She asked me to watch her kid while she went in the store. How exactly am I supposed to react to that? A perfect stranger asks me to watch her kid. I couldn't exactly say no, could I? I mean I could have, but then the cute little 3 year old in the backseat would have been left unattended. It was strange but I obliged. The lady went in the store. I figured she was just going to pay in advance for her gas, but she was in the store for what seemed like an eternity. Did I mention it was cold? I mean, it was 'frost on windows' cold and I was standing there making sure nobody kidnapped this child. When the mother finally came back to the car with coffee, and a breakfast bagel, my hands were numb. But as much as I wanted to say something mean to her, and/or call DFACS on her, I refrained and kept it moving.

About an hour later, I went to the Sprint store to get a new phone. My old one had stopped doing the basics that phones are supposed to do, like ring or dial numbers. It was my fault because I was continuously getting it wet and I may have dropped it in a cup of water when I was half sleep the other day. Anyway, I had already picked out the cheap phone I wanted, but they just kept trying to upsell me to one of those expensive phones that does everything. They almost got me too, but I remembered that I hardly ever use my phone, so all the extras would just be a waste of money. That wasn't the strange part. The strange part was another customer who was waiting while I was getting rung up. He was extra familiar with me. He starting asking me all kind of questions about where I lived, and where I worked, and what church I went to. I guess he was being friendly, but I wasn't really feeling the whole interrogation thing so early in the morning. Then he told me about his church and pastor. I felt like he was trying to get me to join a cult or something, but its already been established that I don't do cults.

Next up was the haircut. Luckily, there was no wait, so I got right in the chair. As I'm getting my haircut, a lady comes in with some kids and a dog. Mind you, I have my glasses off so I can't see anything beyond their basic shapes, but I think it was she was one of the barbers girlfriend or something. I hear the dog jumping around and barking, but I didn't see it coming up to me. I hate dogs with a passion, because of this, and today did nothing to alleviate my disdain for them. This dog started licking my shoe and I may have "accidentally" kicked him in the nose to get rid of him. That was not the right move, because he took a bite out of my shoe. Fortunately, he missed my toe, but I was just blowed at that occurrence.

Finally, I went to renew my car tag. After getting my emissions test, I went to the Tag office, since the deadline is my birthday next Sunday and I didn't trust DeKalb County to mail it to me in time. There wasn't much of a wait, but I sat in the lobby until they called my number. Now you know me, so you know I sat away from everybody else in my own little world. I had my iPod on and had the entire row to myself. Would you believe that someone came and sat down right next to me? I mean, there were empty seats all over, but he chose to come sit where I was. Now, it wouldn't have been a big deal if he would have sat down at the other end of the bench, but he sat literally in the next seat on the empty row. Anyone who saw us would have thought we came together. I was so glad when they called my number and I could get out of there. I just don't understand people.

The time is now 1:12 and I guess I'll go to sleep now. I'm supposed to be going out tonight. I'm actually double booked, so whoever calls me to confirm first wins the prize of hanging out with Rashan. Or perhaps, I'll just forget to charge my new phone and stay home tonight. I hope you all have a great weekend, and I'll be back with another fresh post tomorrow. One!

The St.evie Wo.nder Concert

I'm sitting at work doing nothing, so I might as well get my post out of the way. Friday was the St.evie Won.der concert that I have been talking about all week. It was (insert superlative phrase here.) The man has more hits than a Mik.e Ty.son fight. It was a real cool scene. It almost didn't happen though...

I think I told you it was an outdoors concert. Well, all day Friday the rain was coming down in apocalyptic proportions. I mean the sky looked like it was going to literally drop down and smother the earth. It wasn't a good look. I was cool with sitting in the rain, especially since I paid for the tickets, but Phd was kinda gloomy about the whole thing, having just gotten her hair done and all. Truth be told, somebody was going to the concert with me. Ain't no way in hell them tickets were going to waste. Anyway, after me commanding Mother Nature to comply, it finally stopped raining about 90 minutes before the show. The sky still looked ominous, but once we got there not one more drop of rain fell and by the time we hit the highway, PhD was excited again about the concert.

So, we get to the Chas.tain Pa.rk Am.pit.h.eatre (I had already done a dry run to make sure I wouldn't get lost) and parked in the parking lot. To my surprise, it was really close to the gate. t only took like 2 minutes to walk to the venue. The gates opened at 6:30 and the show didnt start until 8, so we were some of the first people there. Our tickets were on the lawn, which at first seemed like some bad tickets, but actually turned out to be the best seats in the house, except for the tables directly in front of the stage. PhD picked a good spot for us, we had plenty of room to stretch out the blanket and picnic basket (we did the grown up wine and cheese thing, or as I called it, the bougie experience.) We also were up higher than everybody else so we got to see everything, well as much as can be seen there. It was a cozy little spot, not like one of those huge stadiums where there are no good seats anywhere.

The show was great. Stev.ie did his thing for about 2.5 hours with no opening act. I knew most of the songs but there were a couple I didn't recognize. He brought Ind.ia.Ari.e out for a 20 minute rendition of "Ri.bbo.n in the Sk.y", which just so happens to be my favorite song of all time. They did an audience participation sing along thing that was fun too. Stev.ie sounded like he was a CD, his singing was flawless, the band was phenomenal, and the back up singers including his daughter were on point. The only thing that was a little strange was when Stevie decided to talk to the audience. He seemed to channel Ja.mes Bro.wn, cuz I couldn't understand a word he was saying (except when he went on a diatribe about how White people and Black people say the word "ridiculous" differently.) I was thinking "yeah, S.tevie! Shut up and sing." But it was a mad cool scene.

Now the people there were funny as hell. I found out that PhD is also a fan of one of my favorite pasttimes: talking about people. Let me give you a few examples of the tomfoolery I saw at the concert. First of all, who smokes weed at a Ste.vie W.onder concert? Apparently, the girl with the dreads (I know a stereotype, but is true) sitting next to me, and the stoner looking White guy with the hemp shirt and the hackysack ball. They were getting blazed at the concert. Then we have the middle age couple who were heavy into a Seagra.m's bottle, and were stumbling around. They had a mini bar in their cooler, and I swear they drank the whole damn thing. When St.evie sang "D.o I D.o", they decided to start stepping and they were getting the hell down. I tried to get a picture of them, but security was consficating cameras out there, so I kept it on the low. And my personal (least) favorite was a couple, who had to be in their late 50's, who were getting down to St.evie. It was refreshing watching them, until towards the end, they decided to have an unfortunate display of PDA that sickened me. I mean the kissing was enough, but then the butt grabbing and finger popping (yes you read that right) was fucking ridickalus (that's how Black people say it.) We were disgusted and yet couldn't look away. I mean, they were standing there in full view of everyone. And this member of the AARP had his hands in the front of his wife's shorts, while she writhed in ecstasy. Shit was nasty!

I had a really great time at the concert Friday, nastiness aside. To quote, E.ddie Mu.rphy "Stev.ie Wond.er is a musical genius!" It didn't rain at all and PhD and I had another great date. What can I do to top this one? I have no idea what's next. I wasn't able to get any pictures or video of the show, since cameras were banned, but I did get a few before the show started. If I can find my USB cord I'll upload a few, so you can see how I looked all cleaned up and maybe I'll put up a pic of me and ol girl, but probably not. LOL! Did I mention that she met my sister on Friday? That was a little weird too. Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful start to the week, and I'll get at ya later. One!

I Typed A Text To A Girl I Used To See...

Completely random title, but I just can't get Andre 3000's verse from "International Player's Anthem" out of my head. In addition to proving to me that Hip Hop may still be alive, he actually has me listening to a UGK song. They may be the most overrated rappers in my opinion next to Tupac. Regardless of that, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent about that. I just couldn't think of an appropriate title, and that verse is stuck in my head, so there you have it.

It's Monday, therefore once again, its time for the obligatory tell you what I did this weekend post. What did I do? Well Friday, I did a whole lot of nothing. In between naps and phone calls, I slept and talked on the phone. I also drove around like gas doesn't cost $2.62 a gallon, but that's how I clear my head. I wound up on the other side of town.. you know what? I doesn't matter, Friday was boring lets just skip ahead to Saturday.

Saturday was PHD day. I spent the day with her in Athens. She got me a ticket and someone's student ID and we went to the Georgia-South Carolina football game. Before the game, PHD ignored my self diagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder and took me to hang out with some of her fellow doctorate students. I did okay, I didn't run off and hide in the corner like I wanted to, and they were actually pretty cool. I've now met 6 of her friends, not counting our mutual friend who hooked us up. We then walked up to the stadium for the game. Man, this trip reminded me that I need to always have my camera with me at all times. It was an experience.

For one, I saw a group of about 10 drunk White frat brothers cranking that Soulja Boy dance thing. You know..Supaman'n that ho? That was some funny ish. Damn you YouTube for spreading our buffoonery to other races. LOL. Secondly, the people were just dressed crazy. Most of the girls were wearing dresses to the football game. Some of them looked like they were going to the prom instead of a football stadium with 94,000 fans. It was weird. On top of that, along with the cocktail dresses (complete with sashes), they were wearing flip flops. The men weren't that much better. They went all out with the University of Georgia gear. A bunch of them had on pants that had one black leg and one red leg. It looked like the old Cross Colours jeans if they were uninspired and only had 2 colors. Others had pants with pictures of the UGA mascot all over them. Oh and everyone but me was drunk. It smelled like a distillery in that stadium, and from what I was told, it was pretty tame compared to some of the other games. This one guy directly in front of me was teetering the whole game, I kept expecting him to pass out drunk. Somehow he maintained, but a couple of people fell down the bleachers. It was pretty funny. By the way, Georgia lost 16-12, but it was still fun.

After the game, we walked back to PHD's friends house and got the car. ALL of the streets in the area were blocked off because of the game traffic, so we couldn't get back to PHD's crib. Instead, we went back to the bookstore, because she is determined to get me to start reading again, something about how since I have an English degree, I should use it. We, well mostly she, picked out a book that we will read together, I'm already scheming on the Cliff Notes (if they still make those) or some online review, because the first chapter put me to sleep. Maybe it was the not sleeping for 24 hours thing, but I choose to blame it on the book, I.nfi.del by A.yaa.n Hir.si A.li. If anyone has read it, give me some talking points so I can pretend like I read it when I talk to PHD. I'm kidding...unless you gonna do it. After some more interesting and enlightening conversations (for example, she told her mom about me. WTF?) we were finally able to make it past the roadblocks and get back home.

So, that was my weekend. It was the perfect mix of doing nothing and doing something. I meant to add pictures, but I only had my crappy camera phone, and the pictures looked pretty dark. I'll try to get some pictures with my digital next week when I take PHD to see the Stevie Wonder concert at Chas.tain A.mpi.thea.ter. It's an outdoor show, so it better not rain. I'm actually excited about the concert. Just gotta make it through the week first. Have a productive start to your work week, and I'll get at you in a coupla days.

Fresh.. for '07, you suckas!!!! ( I bet you thought I ran out of old school goodbyes. Nope, not yet! LOL)

Any More Room For Me In Those Jeans?

I'm sitting down at my computer not knowing what I'm gonna write so excuse me if I go astray. I don't even know why I'm writing because I had a nice little every other day thing going on. I think I just feel like I need to write more often so the 20 or so people that visit me err'day will have something to read.

Today at work we had a jeans day. Most companies have a casual day on Fridays, but we got one on Tuesday this week. Every weekend is casual, but today's jeans day was...lets call it resplendent. On Saturdays and Sundays, you usually have the easy going jeans days. Plus there aren't nearly as many people in the office on the weekend and they aren't trying to impress any one. But today, jeans day turned into a virtual fashion show. And I was loving every minute of it.

I think I already told you all about all the eye candy at work. The women at my job are something serious even in the business gear. But come "Jeans Day" the eye candy meter went from "wow" to "daaaaaaaaamn!!!" (said in Chris Tucker from Friday voice). I mean, women were just showing out today rocking their designer jeans and their "I just came from the club" outfits with the stilettos. It was enough to make a man lose his mind. Every type of woman represented today. From fat to thick to thin to Nicole Richie sick looking skinny, the jeans were out of control. And since it was 100 degrees again today, they were showing as much skin as possible. Its funny, dudes that have never met were giving each other the "hey look at that" head nod. And the women were eating up the attention. I think the sexual harassment laws were suspended for one day.

Funny true story: I was outside politicking with an coworker from my old job who works in a different department. Somehow, after watching the ladies walk by for awhile, we decided to count the number of visible lower back tattoos we saw. I saw 22 in 4 hours in my department, he saw 17 in his. That's at least 39 women who had on shirts that were intentionally too small at work. And I guess we weren't supposed to look, but shit, I had no choice. I can't wait for the next "jeans day!" They making it hard to keep up my whole no dating at the job thing.

Ladies, as much as it sounds like it, I'm really not a pervert. I just greatly appreciate the female form. And if the women at my job want to show it, who am I to not look? That would be disrespectful right? I wouldn't want to hurt any one's self esteem by not ogling them. It would be wrong to not sneak and take pictures with my camera phone, right? Right? Oh, whatever. If you think I'm a perv, I'll be that. (Disclaimer: For the record, most of this took place in my imagination. I played it cool and wasn't obviously lusting after women at work. That wouldn't be right.)

I'm out of the office for the rest of the week, Mom and nephew/brother are coming in to town to do the whole zoo, aquarium, Coke Museum tourist thing. I'll probably hang out with them for the inside activities, I don't know about the outdoors activities. It's too hot to be walking around looking at a damn panda. I'll probably be posting again on Thursday, but if I don't talk to ya, have a good rest of the week and I'll holla!

No Matter Where I Go Crazy Will Find Me

I've been told that I attract so much crazy because I am crazy myself. I admit that I am a little eccentric, but the craziness that I see on a day to day basis is just ridiculous. Here are just a few from the last week.

Thursday: It's 2 in the morning. I'm in the drive through of a local fast food establishment after getting off work. This guy skips the 2 cars in front of me and comes up to my car. "Hey brotha! Let me get a dolla out you." I'm like huh? You beggin in the fast food drive thru? I took a look at his new timberlands and declined. "I ain't got it." I expected that to be the end of it. Crazy Beggar Man decides to give me a lecture about how Christ would be ashamed of me and that Moses would curse me for not giving him a dollar. I say... "Aiight, dawg. Have a good night" and hit the power windows. When I get to the window to get my food, he comes back to the car. "Hey, brotha. I just want to give you another chance to do the right thing. Let me get a dollar, I ain't on drugs man. I just want to get a hamburger." So, I call his bluff. I say "Okay, I'll order you something." He says. "Come on nigga. I don't want no damn food. Just give me the money." I shook my head and drove off.

Friday: I take my nephew to the barbershop to get his haircut. I'm getting mine cut too. It's literally 102 degrees outside. No hyperbole, no exaggeration. I was sweating from the walk from the parking lot to the shop. Later, I'm leaving the spot and I see a young dude walking in a hoodie. Huh? Are you trying to die? Later, I took my nephew and niece out to eat at Chili's about 2 miles down the street. I see the same dude, still got the hoodie on and still alive somehow.

Saturday: Went to the gas station to get some... lets just say Power-ade. LOL. The Pakistani behind the bulletproof glass decides he should talk to me. First of all, he called me brother, which rubbed me the wrong way. Then he decides to tell me about how he got his head shaved like "you guys" and how he sold a winning lottery ticket to a girl with "much junk in the trunk." I really needed that um...Power-ade and I had slid my money under the glass already so I couldn't just up and leave, but he was holding my $20 and talking me to death. I kept looking at my phone, but he didn't get the hint. Finally, I was like, "lemme get my change, man" as he finished up a story about some strippers that come in the store.

Sunday: I'm at work. We have a little down time so I'm talking to a female co worker about nothing. All of a sudden, this dude walks up on me and says. "Hey Man! Don't be talking to my woman." I'm thinking he is joking, but he is not smiling. I go back to my conversation, intentionally disregarding this dude. I see him giving me the mean mug for the rest of the night. I asked the girl, "are y'all dating or something?" She tells me no but he has been trying to holla. My sarcastic ass has to mess with him now cuz she is paying more attention to me than him, not in a romantic way, but just in conversation. He gets more and more heated as the night goes on, and later tells me: "Ay dawg. I called dibs on that one." I said, "how you gonna call dibs on a person?" He says "I'm just saying... don't throw no salt on my game" I laughed in his face, and said "it ain't even like that, but you may wanna check with the girl before you start claiming her." Crazy ass (word that was buried.)

Monday: I was on the phone with an old jump-off. Hadn't talked to or seen her in a good while. Catching up and shit, but not really paying too much attention because I was getting ready for work. I'm like let me call you back, I need to brush my teeth and stuff. Well, I forgot to call her back. Okay, truthfully, PHD called and I was talking to her on the way to work. So, I'm at work, and I don't get service inside the building. When I go on break, I check my messages and see I have 4 new ones. It was the girl I "forgot" to call back. The first one started out, "see, muhfucka...." I skip to the next one. The next one starts, "that's why we ain't together now" the next one "when your trifling ass says you gonna call...". The last one is just "Call me back, bye!", as sweet as she could be. I remembered why I stopped talking to her ass and why I don't answer my phone. I wish I could post those messages on here. It would be hilarious.

Anyway, like I said, no matter where I go, crazy will find me. Shit, maybe it is me.

Intoxicated Ruminations

February 2nd, 2007 - 3:00 Am - IHOP - Stone Mountain, GA

I was hungry after a late night at work so I stopped to get a Big Bacon Omelette from IHOP before heading home. I'm used to being the only one out and about at this time, so I was surprised when I saw the parking lot was full of people who had just left the club on a Thursday night. I think they were partying at The Atrium or possibly Strokers. As I waited for the 7 foot tall African hostess to bring my to-go order, I noticed that everyone seemed to be having much more fun than me and realized that I'm getting old. But that's neither here nor there. I was reading a text message on my phone when she walked in... in fact I smelled her before I saw her as she reeked of old liquor and Newports. She was about 5'5, although that could have been a result of the gold stilettos she wore. She had on a white low cut shirt and some camouflage capri pants that defied the 30 degree Atlanta weather. She sported a baseball cap that was slightly askew on her head and covered long straight blond hair. I glanced at her, noticing her alabaster skin, and then she spoke:

Black-White Girl: "For reals, yo! That bitch just threw up in my car"

I was taken aback for a second and then responded...

Me: "You talking to me?"

Black-White Girl: "Yeah, dawg! She threw up all over my window, and my jacket, and I'm out here and I'm mad cold yo!"

Me: "Who are we talking about?"

Black-White Girl: "Tina, man! She's out in the car laying in her own throw up. I need a fucking cigarette."

Me: "Word? That's messed up, Ma!" I replied and went back to pretending I was sending a text message.

I noticed her fidgeting and muttering to herself and immediately recognized the signs. The Black-White girl was drunk as hell. I can remember the days when that would have been me, minus the excessive forced Ebonics. It's been so long since I've been sloppy drunk in public, but seeing her made me flashback to those days.

November 25th, 1997 Savannah, GA

It was my 23rd birthday. Normally, 23 is not one of the big ones, but I was determined to have some fun. I was a recent college graduate with not much thought of the future besides what I was going to drink and where I was gonna get the weed from. I decided that I wasn't gonna hang with my girlfriend of three years who was home from graduate school for Thanksgiving break. (Coincidentally, that relationship didn't make it to the new year.) Instead, I met up with the fellas at Jimmy Boatwright's crib to get started on my long night of drinking and debauchery. When I got there, my two best friends, Kareem and Tori were there along with Jimmy and his brother Rashad, and some other cat, whose name escapes me. They pulled out the cheap ass Barton's gin, which was all our broke asses could afford at the time, and we started taking shots. Before I knew it, I was already tipsy. Then someone had the bright idea to mix the gin with with Sunny D. I drank cup after cup of this nasty concoction, until I was inebriated beyond belief. Then it was time to go to the club...

I don't really remember who was driving, but I know they were driving my mom's black Geo Metro towards Downtown Savannah. As was customary, blunts were rolled, we drank out of red plastic cups and freestyle raps were recited. When we finally arrived down on Broughton Street, I was so gone, that I was staggering and didn't care who knew I was drunk. In fact, I even announced my drunkenness to strangers, including a SPD officer who laughed it off. My homeboys, however, didn't see the humor in the situation and quickly shuttled me into the first club with a chance of being decent. We went to The Zoo. Wednesday nights were hip hop nights, they called it the Soul Kitchen. It was one of the only places in Savannah, a Northern ex-patriate like myself, could go to party to some East Coast music, without hearing the obligatory Master P or Mystical set. I had high hopes for the evening, as I just knew I was gonna have some fun.

As soon as I got in the club, however, I started feeling sick. The Barton's Gin started catching up with me and I had to sit down. I found a seat and lit up a Black and Mild, while waiting for the club to stop spinning. I watched the ladies dancing to Biggie and Wu Tang, but was too drunk to make my way to the floor. The next thing I know, Kareem is slapping me on my shoulder telling me to wake up. I had a beer bottle in one hand, which had spilled on my Polo jeans, and the burnt remnants of the plastic Black and Mild tip in the other hand. Who knows how long I was sleep, or for that matter, how I got the beer in first place? I just knew that getting up was not an option. I was drunk in public and I didn't care who knew.

Eventually, we left the club, although I don't remember when or how I made it to the car. I was sitting in the backseat drifting in and out of consciousness. This was the first and last time I drank to the point of passing out. I remember throwing up out the window of the car and I remember getting pulled over by the police on the highway, but it only came in flashes, like I was sitting in the dark and someone kept turning the light switch on and off. I woke up at Kareem's mother's house upstairs and with no recollection of how I got in the house, much less up the treacherous stairs. It was now Thanksgiving day, and I was still feeling the effects of the alcohol as I drove home the next morning/afternoon. I pulled up to my grandmother's house and then I noticed a bright orange streak on the side of the car. I looked a little closer and then it hit me: That was my Gin and Sunny D brightly contrasting against the black paint on the passenger side door. I scurried back to the whip and went to a car wash before anyone could see the mess I made in my mother's car. To top it off, I drank so much that my hands were shaking and I couldn't even hold a fork to eat Thanksgiving dinner. (That caused a bit of a problem at my girl's house, cuz apparently they thought I was being bougie by not eating their food. I blamed it on the flu. LOL) I think I really had alcohol poisoning that day.

February 2nd, 2007 IHOP - Stone Mountain, GA 3:15 AM

Finally, Hakeem Olajuawon's sister brought my food and I could go home. I looked up at Black-White girl and saw she was dead asleep, and drooling. I laughed to myself because I remember the days when that could have been me. Well, I wouldn't have had a grill in my mouth, but you get the point. I used to be the cat to hit the club every Wednesday - Saturday. Or do a dine and dash at the same IHOP at least once a month. Or smoke weed in the Marta station during Freaknik like it was legal. It was stupid, but I used to have fun. Am I smarter now, or just more boring? That's a rhetorical question... I'm afraid to see how some of you would answer. LOL

People Watching

I should have made my New Year's Resolution to stop talking about people. I have a bad habit of watching people and then laughing about their quirkiness. Case in point, the other day I had to go to an orientation thing at work and the comedy was in abundance. Here are some of the people I saw at work along with some visual aids to let you see what I was seeing in my head.

Animal from the Muppets - I can't take credit for this one. I was actually being good and not verbalizing any of the thoughts I had in my head until my co worker Tanya passed me a note that said "look straight ahead it's Animal from the Muppets." I just about cracked up when I saw this girl. Her hair was intentionally wild and she had white stuff in the corners of her mouth, like she was rabid. She looked a little like this:


Bruce Bruce - Dude had on the oversized suit with about 74 buttons. His hair was processed and he looked like he was half preacher and half pimp with his rings on every finger. Even when he was sitting down, he was breathing hard out of his mouth. I can't even imagine what's gonna happen when he has to walk up all the stairs we got in our building. He looked like this:

k.d. lang - k.d lang introduced itself as John. Come to find out her last name was Johnson and the first name was Carol or something. We really couldn't tell if she was male or female for the first couple of hours. She had on a button up shirt with a blazer and kept touching her crotch, like she was adjusting her testicles. It really was bizarre.



The Gay Thurston Howell III - I don't wanna sound like Isaiah Washington or anything, but this dude was the funniest. He was wearing an nautical jacket with a white button up shirt... and an ascot. I have never really seen anyone wear an ascot in real life. I thought that was only in old black and white movies. He of course had all the stereotypical gay movements down like neck rolling and snapping. The outfit in the picture is almost exactly what he was wearing.



Here are some more observations I made:

Makeup Man - This guy I work with has a bald head and I think he puts makeup on his dome and face. I thought I was the only one who noticed, but Tanya asked me about today. If I wasn't such a punk, I would ask him about it.



Spandex in the Workplace??? - My work environment is business casual, but some people take the casual part to the extreme. I swear this is 100% true...This woman was wearing spandex pants today. I don't even need to say anything else about that.

The Potential Serial Killer - This guy just gives off a vibe that screams I have 13 bodies in the cellar. He is nebbish, and mousy and can't make eye contact to save his or your life. I overheard him talking about his antique knife collection and how well it can take the skin off of anything. He didn't necessarily say people, but of course in my mind that's what he was talking about.

The guy who talks me to death on break - This guy is always telling me ridiculous stories about his sexual conquests as if I gave half a damn. I usually pretend that I'm on the phone when i see him coming but every now and then he will sneak up before I can make my call. His latest story is about how some girl in the office (anonymous girl of course) dissed him at work, but then started stalking him when she saw him in VIP at a club. Now he allegedly made her buy him gifts before he would go out with her. I wanna call him out so bad, but I just let it go because it's not worth the energy. He also told me that I should start pushing up on some of the women in the office because "he has no competition for the bitches and its getting too easy." Clown ass nigga!



So, I know I am clowning the people I work with, but really its all in fun. Not everybody there has issues. There is lots of Eye Candy (Is that a term of degradation? I was told that was disrespectful. I certainly don't mean it to be.) and cool people. But they aren't as entertaining as the weirdos, so that's who I wrote about. I can only imagine what they think of me.