Friday, June 29, 2007

Love Hater

I always talk about what I don't like or what annoys me. So today in the interest of being fair and balanced like my most favorite tv station, Fox News (please read the sarcasm) I'm not only going to talk about what I hate, but what I love. I stole the title from a song by Andre 3000 from Outkast. Totally Unrelated Hip Hop Side Note: I went to middle school with Big Boi from Outkast in Savannah, but I didn't know him and didn't realize it until I was looking at my 8th grade yearbook many years later.


I love feminine women, girly girls or whatever you want to call them. I hate when women try too hard to be sexy by wearing clothes that don't fit or wearing excessive make up.

I love driving around with no particular place to go. I hate being stuck in traffic.

I hate Isaiah Thomas for making the Knicks bad for the last 4 years. I love the trade that Isaiah Thomas made last night bringing Zack Randolph to New York and getting rid of Steve Francis.

I love learning new things that challenge my established way of thinking. I hate admitting that my established way of thinking may have been wrong.

I love being a smart ass and making sarcastic jokes. I hate when my sarcasm alienates people that I don't want to alienate yet.

I love freedom of speech. I hate freedom of speech for idiots.

I love that I am about halfway through my screenplay. I hate that I have been halfway through my screenplay since Monday and haven't written anything since.

I love discovering new or new to me music. I hate hearing the same 10 songs over and over again.

I love when people aren't afraid to express their opinions. I hate when people state their opinions as fact with no understanding of other peoples points of view.

I love that today is payday, and I just realized it. I hate that I have to spend $214 for new tires this afternoon.

I love that people like me enough to call and check on me. I hate that nobody answers when I really need them.

I love getting a new DVD in the mail every other day. I hate that I don't have a life and can watch a new DVD every other day.

I love sleeping. I hate the fact that I usually only get 3 or 4 hours of sleep.

I love Fridays and Saturdays because I don't have to work. I hate Fridays and Saturdays because they go by too quick and before I know it I have to work again.

Aiight, that's enough love and hate for one morning. Feel free to drop your current loves and hates in the comment section. I'll check you all out on Monday. I'll be going to Savannah this weekend, so just maybe I'll have something interesting to write about next week. Have a good weekend and don't do anything I wouldn't do!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

I Shall...Proceed

Today's Random Thought: Is something wrong with Japanese filmmakers? They make the most imaginative, sick, twisted movies. Is something wrong with me because I keep adding them to my rental queue?

"Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?"

This line from The Root's "Proceed" has been stuck in my head for the last couple of days. I'm not too sure why since I haven't heard it in a minute, but it kind of fits where I am mentally right now. I want to blink myself away to another space and time, where I don't have to deal with all this stress. I mean, if someone else told me that all that has happened in my life happened to them, my cynical ass would think that they were making it up. But since its me, I know it's true. Sometimes I feel like Nas said in "The World is Yours": "I need a new nigga, for this black cloud to follow/cuz while it's over me its too dark to see tomorrow." Totally Unrelated Hip Hop Sidenote. That was my second favorite song on Illmatic. The first was "Represent." The combination of DJ Premier flipping the beat to the Nutcracker Suite and Nas' brash, yet smooth lyrical delivery was untouchable. But back to my point, this one line has been heavy on my mind all weekend as I thought about where I am in my life.

As I sat in the whip after another tire debacle, (this time two tires in the middle of the night) the lyric reverberated in my head.... "Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?" As I sat in front of the computer working on my latest attempt of literary genius, (this time in screenplay format) I thought, "Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away." As I futilely tried to fall asleep Saturday afternoon, (this time I was up until 4pm), I bobbed my head to the imaginary sound of Black Thought positing "Just think, what if you could just, just blink yourself away?"

I know it sounds like the rantings of a crazy person, but some good actually came out of my moment of madness. I came to a sort of epiphany. For the first time, in a long time, I know what I want to do with my life. I admit, it was born out of insomnia based delirium, but after giving it considerable thought, I have decided to change my career path. I'm not going to tell you all about it, just in case, I pull a Rashan and flake on it, but I actually got to the point of doing research on furthering my education and training in preparation for my new career. I think that although it wont make me rich, it will be fulfilling. I've told a few people about my potential plans, and they all have provided positive feedback, which makes me feel good. So wish me luck as I proceed with the next phase of my life.

So what if I could just blink myself away? Where do I see myself going? Hopefully, having a career instead of a job. Hopefully having a lasting bond rather than a series of intense, albeit temporary connections. Hopefully in a place where I am no longer confined by my own cynicism, which sometimes amazes and shocks even me. Hopefully, at the conclusion of a literary project instead of at the beginning of yet another promising idea. If I could blink myself away, like a masculine, sepia toned I Dream of Jeannie, I would get out of this rut that I've found myself in for the last few months. As nice as it sounds, it's not as simple as obstructing and opening ones oculars; there is hard work involved. I am, however, fully committed to taking on the task.

I Shall...Proceed!!!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Forgiveness and What Not

Today's Random Thought: Next time I decide to go to a strip club, I'm gonna call ahead and make sure that PacMan Jones isn't there. People have a tendency to get shot around him.

Consider this my public apology. I know this is gonna be cryptic, but hopefully, the people know who they are. If not, then I guess I really didn't owe them an apology.

I'm sorry that I just stopped returning your calls. Life was getting hectic and I had to take a break for my own mental health. It's nothing that you did, the walls were closing in on me for a minute and I didn't know how to handle it. I want to call you now, but what can I say at this point. Maybe the Lord will bless me with some courage for what I know is going to be a difficult conversation.

I'm sorry that we couldn't get our timing right. I really do feel you, but I couldn't wait forever. And now that everything is different, I hope you can realize that its actually the same. Ya dig?

I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be. I think under the circumstances you would be able to understand my hesitancy. It doesn't mean what you think it means, it just means that I am living my life. You gotta respect that and not jump to dramatic conclusions all the time.

I'm sorry that I hold so much animosity in my heart towards you. I can't seem to shake it. I'm pretty good at forgiveness, but for some reason, I can't do it with you. You probably don't even care, but I thought I would throw this out there for you anyway.

I'm sorry that I had to leave. I keep telling you all that you will be just fine without me, and I hope that you really are. I know times are rough and there is nobody like me, but you are gonna make it. Change is constant in business, so you have to adapt. It's a struggle, but I'm doing it, so you have to as well.

I'm sorry I haven't called you yet. To be honest, half of me thinks you aren't serious. The other half is intrigued, but not ready to put you through my mess. Give me a little more time to get my mind right, and I'm there.

I'm sorry that I don't comment on everybody's blog like I used to. It's a combination of not being on the computer as much as I was before and not having anything intelligent to say. Rest assured that I do read most of the time, and I know that I should comment, but I haven't gotten back into the swing of things. I guess that excuse is getting old, since I have had this new blog for 6 months, but this is one of those "it is what it is" moments.

I'm sorry that we can't talk like we used to. I know with my work schedule and your home life, it's pretty impossible. But shoot me an email or a text message to let me know if you are cool. I have to admit that I was pretty worried with our last conversation a couple of weeks ago. I hope all is well.

I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch. I know it didn't seem like it, but I really am a loner at heart. You may have thought I was outgoing from the persona that you met, but that's not the real me. The real me is boring, a hermit, an introvert. I'm not going to insult your intelligence with false promises of doing better either.

I'm sorry that my sorrys are chock full of excuses. I hate apologies coupled with excuses, but it seems like I did it. I just want you all to know that I don't say sorry unless I mean it. If you have any doubt about whether or not I am being sincere, think back to your interactions with me. Have I ever apologized for anything? If I think I'm right, do I ever back down to keep the peace? And if by some fluke, I did apologize, wasn't it like pulling teeth to get me to do it? So, just know I'm so sincere.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Is It Still Called Hump Day If You Are Not Working?

Today's Random Thought: There really is not too much someone can say that will offend me. I mean, you can try to offend me, but it won't work.They are just words to me. I don't get all righteously indignant over words. Go ahead call me the n word, I might bust you upside the head for appearances sake, but I won't be offended.

My cell phone is broken. Whenever I push a button, or even hold it the wrong way, it turns off and turns back on. To make matters worse, sometimes when it reboots, it just keeps turning on and off automatically. I was supposed to go to the Sprint store and get it checked out but Monday, I was babysitting and I didn't have the car seat and Tuesday, well let's just say that I slept until 5:00 in the afternoon. So now it's Wednesday. I am up at 7 AM and common sense would tell me to either take my ass to sleep or stay up until the store opens. I've never been one to obey common's sense, so I'll probably have a broken cell phone for at least another day.

Insomnia isn't that bad when you are on vacation. Since I don't have to work, there is no pressure for me to actually get some sleep. I can just let it happen naturally. Like the other day, I was up until Noon before I got sleepy. Normally, my mind would have been racing trying to figure out what I could do to fall asleep, but it was all good. I just kept doing my regular thing until I fell out, which is probably what I will do today. All in all, it fits my weird personality. I couldn't be normal even if I had the inclination to do so, which I don't.

Speaking of quirky behavior, when I get bored, I go for a drive. It doesn't matter when or where, I'll just hop in the whip and wander around aimlessly. Probably not such a good idea for someone who is as directionally challenged as I am, but hey, getting lost is half the fun, right? What do you mean, its not? LOL. Last night, I got tired of sitting around and thinking so I went for a drive to clear my head. I somehow wound up in some hood in Atlanta at like 4 in the morning. There were people hanging out on the corner and I just know they thought I was coming to buy some crack or whatever the popular drug is now a days. When one cat in a white tee approached the car, I decided to take my non-from-the-streets-ass home.

My friend Jessica is coming to town today. At least that's what she told me last Friday before my cell phone inexplicably broke. Its been a good 6 or 7 months since I have seen her, so it will be good to hang out. Shit, I just remembered, my phone only rings about half the time, so I won't know when she gets here. Dammit, I guess I could call her from someone else's phone, but if she is anything like me, she is not going to answer an unknown number. I'll figure it out somehow. She can't just pop up, because she doesn't know where I live. When I moved, I got real incognegro, and didn't tell anybody where I was. I mean, they know I'm on the eastside, but they have never been to the crib. Really, only two people know exactly where I stay, and only one has been inside. I promise, it wasn't by design, it just worked out that way. But I have to say that it's cool not worrying about who is going to come to the crib uninvited and drink up all my liquor. It was kind of ridiculous at the old spot. Everybody and their mama used to come by unannounced, sending me scurrying to throw on some pants and answer the door. Maybe one day, I'll actually tell somebody where I live.

So that's what's going on in my world on this Hump Day. Perhaps if it really was hump day, I could actually fall asleep. But even though it rained last night, I'm still in a drought, so there is no regular sleep in the forecast for me. Did you catch the metaphor? LOL. Okay, now I know it's time to stop writing, because the silliness is taking over. Everybody have a good Wednesday!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Why I Don't Trust Women! or The Imaginary Player

Today's random thought: I finally took my contacts out and started wearing my glasses. I think they look pretty good. Someone told me I "don't look like such a jerk with my glasses" I didn't really know how to take that, but I guess it was a compliment.

I got some serious trust issues. I just don't believe anyone is genuine until they prove it to me. It's like guilty until proven innocent. People tell me all the time that I'm too cynical, but I don't think I am. I think I am just realistic. People lie all the time, and I kind of just expect it at this point. I mean, it is what it is. I try not to worry about things I can't change. But before anyone thinks I'm being too harsh, let me tell you a little story about this girl I met Saturday night.

I saw her across the bar. She was sitting with her girl, looking a little disinterested. But then our eyes locked. I was deep into the Jack and didn't have my normal reflex of averting my gaze. I was looking and I wanted her to know. The thing is she was looking back. Staring actually. My self conscious side wondered if I had something on my face so I subconsciously started wiping my cheek. But that wasn't the case. I was straight. She was actually just looking at me.

I zoned out of the conversation I was having with my friends. I mean, how many times are they going to bring up my mistake from a couple of years ago. Everybody has one or two on their list that they regret, so why can't I? But I digress. Anyway, I glanced back over and the girl was still looking. Even someone as dense as I am couldn't ignore that hint. It was time for me to go talk to her. I got up and made my to other side of the bar.

I won't waste time with a long stalkery description of her appearance, but suffice it to say she was attractive. Her name was Desiree and she was drinking Grey Goose and cranberry. I motioned for the bartender to get her another one, by this time I was sipping on a Grand Marnier. I was just about done drinking, since I had the hookup all night. 4 Jacks and Amaretto Di Serrano on the rocks and now the Grand Marnier for $8.50 and a hefty tip and I was straight. I sat next to her and made conversation, at first pedestrian as I felt her out to see what level she was on. I soon learned all the basics, like she was 28, single, no kids and worked as a social worker for the city. I could tell that she had a brain on her, so we soon started talking about deeper topics.

Two drinks, a stimulating conversation and 30 minutes later, her friend was ready to go, so it was time to say goodbye. Desiree grabbed my cell and put her number in, then called her phone so she would have mine. I walked her out to her car, her friend looking increasing irritated by my presence, but I didn't care. It had been a long time since I met someone that piqued my interests, so I was going to milk it for all it was worth. She gave me a quick hug and told me that I should call her sooner rather than later.

Now, if you have ever read my blog before, you know that was a made up story. Okay, now what really happened. I was sipping on a Grand Marnier and she was drinking that Goose. I was checking her out and she was looking back. But here's where the truth diverges from my imaginary player story. I was feeling a little uninhibited from all the drinking I was doing, so I had every intention of going to talk to her. I even got up of the bar stool and walked in her direction. The only problem was by the time I got to that side, her man walked in. I mean, I think it was her man, he sure acted like it with his grabbing the ass and all. I felt a little foolish, so I played it off by pretending I was going to the bathroom. After waiting an appropriate time frame, I went back to the bar where my friends were still talking about that damn girl from a couple years ago.

And now the real ill part. As I was leaving I saw her again. I was outside waiting for my friends and she was leaving with the guy but making eye contact with me again. Her friend discreetly came over to me and handed me a slip of paper with a name and number on it. She said, "my friend wants you to call her." The story of my life... Every chick that's interested in me already got a man. They say there's a shortage of men in Atlanta, but I don't believe that mess because every woman I meet seems to be attached. Just thought I would share my embarrassing moment with you guys. It's just further reason for me not trusting people. BTW, you all will be very proud of me, I threw the number away without ever calling it. Now that's progress.

Friday, June 15, 2007

My Week In Review

Thank God It's Friday!!! I don't have to work and I don't have any obligations. I can just relax and do whatever the hell I wanna do this weekend. If I wanna go out, I can go out. If I wanna just chill, and let's be honest, thats probably what I will be doing, I can chill and do nothing. I have to work on Sunday but then I have the rest of the week off for vacation. Because I am trying to get back into regular blogging, I think I have to write something today. So, I guess I will give you my week in review.

The highlight of my week was on Wednesday. It was Uncle Rashan Day!!! My nephew and neice decided to make my week. They cooked me dinner, decorated the living room and even washed and dried my clothes. I don't know what I did to deserve such incredible kids in my life, but I am really happy to have them. Then again perhaps they were just telling me that I'm a dirty slob who needs to stop eating fast food all the time. LOL

I came to the stark realization this week that I'm not very good at my job. I used to think that everything would eventually fall in to place, but now I think its not going to happen. It's not so much that I can't do the job, its that I don't want to. Or more accurately, I don't want to do the job the way they want me to do it. Time to dust off and update the old resume.

This week's song that makes me wish I had a woman is "Bed" by J. Holiday. I think that's what his name is. I hear it just about every night on the Quiet Storm on my way home from work. I'm probably late, but I've never heard of him before this week, but the song is bangin. It sounds like some stuff I would have put on my slow tapes back in the day. I'll have to check to see if he has any other good songs.

Sports is over for me until August when football starts again. The NBA Finals just frustrated the hell out of me. I can't stand San Antonio and now I have to hear about this next time I hang out with E. After the Spurs won game two, I just knew the sweep was on. I need someone to remind Lebron James that he is 6 10 and strong. WTF is up with all the fadeaway jumpshots? Take it to the hole, man!

Went to the grocery story tonight and bought a bunch of food. I was starving when I went in, but when I got home, I had too many choices, so I didn't eat. I know, it makes no sense, but thats the way Rashan's brain works. My indecisiveness is a problem.

Heard about two upcoming concerts that I will probably not be going to. Raheem Devaughn is coming on the 23rd, I think? And Little Brother is coming on the 27th for the free. I saw them last year and it was great, but I have to work that night.

Watched some more movies this week. "Death of A President" was excellent. If you haven't heard about it, its about the fictional murder of President Bush in October 2007. I also watched one of the weirdest movies I have ever seen in my life called "Ichi The Killer". It's a Japanese movie about this dude name Ichi. And he's a killer. LOL. It was like part gangster flick, part horror movie and all demented. Plus it was in Japanese, so that just increased the weirdness quotient. I don't know what to think about it yet. It was very stylish, but it was kind of sick with lots of strange killing and torture scenes. And tonight, I'm about halfway through "Superman Returns" and so far so good.

Here are some of my aborted blog topics of the week: "R. Kelly's Funniest Lyrics", (No# 1 was I Like That Crotch On You repeat 3x), "Excuses for Not Going Out" ( I was going to write about some of the real and imaginary excuses I give people) and "My Voicemail" (where I wrote about some of the strange messages I have on my phone like the one that said "too bad you didnt answer, I was going to give you some" when she knew full well I was at work. LOL) I ultimately decided against posting these, mainly because I was lazy, but also because I think I use the list format too much. I feel like a blog David Letterman.

Had an interesting conversation with a female friend about what goes on in a strip club. She was surprised that there are a lot of women who go to the strip club and was utterly embarrased by the fact that the dancers are fully nude. I thought that was common knowledge but apparently not.

And that's about it. I lead such an exciting life, don't I? Maybe I'll fall into something this weekend and have some gregarious tales of urban adventure to share next week. But don't be surprised if I just stay home and watch movies. Have a great weekend, errbody!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I Feel Like Slapping Somebody Today

Today's recipients of an open handed slap to the mouf are:

David Chase, creator of "The Sopranos". WTF was that ending about? I know I'm late, but I dont have HBO anymore and I had to download it.

That dude at work who called me Re-shawn. Ain't no e in my name anywhere. It's RA shan, like Rakim or you can call me Ruh-shan. I'm okay with that. But Re-shawn? Come on, bruh!

The San Antonio Spurs... no scratch that, The Cleveland Cavaliers. I really don't want San Antonio to sweep the series.

The creepy guy that lives above me. I'm supposed to be the only one outside at 4 in the morning. If I had a gun, you woulda been accidentally shot for walking up on me like that.

The next person who mentions Paris Hilton and jail in the same sentence.

Who ever came up with the incentive plan at my job. Just when I think I figured it out, its changed again.

The guy at the gas station, who paid for his drink and then walked out and left his girlfriend in line, looking embarrassed to buy her bag of potato chips.

The person that told Tank, Tyrese and Ginuwine to form a so called "supergroup." If I were naming them they would be called the B-Team.

Tyler Perry, for putting that horrible "House of Payne" show on TV.

Whoever that is that keeps calling me from an 847 area code and not leaving a message.

Those three truckers who thought it would be a good idea to block me in for a good 5 miles when I was tryna get home at 1 AM.

Myself, for being a big azz hater. LOL

Who you wanna slap?

Monday, June 11, 2007


I'm well past the stage of believing that rapper's personas are actually real; I understand that the tough guy, drug dealing, womanizing, gun toting image is all an act. But I remember when I was 15, listening to the gangsta themed hip hop of the day and thinking that those guys actually were thugs. I didn't realize back then, when I was walking to summer school in the 100 degree heat listening to NWA, The Geto Boys and Too Short on my Walkman that they were really like professional wrestlers: portraying a role for my entertainment. That's why I was weirded out when rap became mainstream and other sides of these artists came out. Even though I know that rappers are real people too, its still bugs the hell out of me when I see them acting contrary to their rap image. For example, "the nigga you love to hate" Ice Cube is doing family movies now. This is the same dude that made an art form of gangsta storytelling. And Ice-T plays a cop on TV. It was bad enough in New Jack City, but at least then he was still edgy. Am I the only one who remembers he made that song "Cop Killer" back in the 90's? Now he makes his living portraying one. It's like hiphopcricy. Rap one thing, do another. This is not a dis; I'm not knocking them for doing whatever they have to further their careers, but it's still a little strange. It also got me to thinking. What will other hip hop artists do that is contrary to their public image?

Will we one day see Mr. Baller, P. Diddy doing commercials for Charles Schwab? I can see it now. He's dancing around on the TV, talking about "save that, save that" and "I thought I told you that my 401k wont stop"

Will Snoop one day eschew his weed smoking ways and do a public service announcement for D.A.R.E?

Will Cam'Ron, who recently said he wouldn't call the police even if he knew a serial killer was living next door to him, one day perform at the Policeman's Ball?

Will Biz Markie show up on Sesame Street teaching kids how to read? Even though they probably already read at a higher grade level than him?

Will Lil Kim team up with Foxy Brown to do commercials for Maybelline? Ignoring the fact that they made their marks in their careers by looking like harlots.

Are we going to see Luke performing his new hit, "Hey, We Want Some Gender Equality!!!" at Spelman?

Will posthumous ads featuring Biggie Smalls and Big Pun run for Slim Fast?

Since Master P is already doing a show on Nickelodeon, so will we soon see Lil Wayne and Baby guest starring on the Disney's "That's So Raven"?

Will the WuTang Clan, after all these years of rapping about the hood, decide to do a commercial for the New York Board of Tourism.

Three words: Kanye West - Senator.

Is Eminem going to be the new spokesperson for Prozac and then set up a domestic violence shelter?

How long before the new Bushwick Bill life sized doll comes out?

Will Fifty Cent do a benefit concert for the Bronx Zoo? Well, that one actually works seeing how kinda looks like a gorilla. LOL

And finally, how long before President Bush decides to use Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" as the theme song for the war on terror? "We got to fight the power that be, whether in Iraq or Afghanistan, or any other Muslim country"

This is ignoring the obvious rapper tie ins like LL doing chapstick commercials or Jay-Z as the new mascot for Camel cigarettes, or Slick Rick as the new spokesperson for Jared's (You crumbs, I got my truck jewelry at Jared's.) I just wonder how many of my flights of fancy will actually come to fruition. You got any to add? Hit me up in the comments.

Friday, June 8, 2007

An Oldie But Goodie

Random Thought of The Day: I don't trust people who smile too much. It's okay to smile when someone makes a joke, but for a grown man to just be walking around with a smile on his face makes me nervous.

I was reading my old blog this morning just to see what I was writing about this time last year. I came accross this post from the same week a year ago. It was pretty good if I do say so myself. And since I am lazy, I decided to repost it. Sort of a Greatest Hits kind of thing. If you have already read it, then I will see you on Monday, if not, I hope you enjoy it. BTW, my old blog was really good. I'm on my own jock about some of the posts. I need to get my blog swagger back like I had last year.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STALK?!?! (recycled from June 5th, 2006 on IT WAS WRITTEN)

This joint comes courtesy of an IM conversation with Tenacious the other day. I can't remember how we got on the topic of stalkers, but I thought it would be funny if stalkers had a rule book, sort of a crash course in Stalking 101. They always tend to do the same things, so I was wondering where they learned this from. Not to mention that I have an overactive imagination. Allow me to present to you a little post I like to call So You Think You Can Stalk?

Good Afternoon class and welcome to Stalking 101. My name is Professor I.M. Watchinu. If you haven't taken the required prerequisite classes of Obsession 202 and Inappropriate Displays of Affection 215, please leave the class now. This is a high level course and is not suitable for amateurs or people in love. Feel free to reenroll once that relationship goes sour. For those of you that remain, please take a look at the required media located on your syllabus. You must purchase "Fatal Attraction" and "Single White Female." In addition, "A Thin Line Between Love and Hate" will be a prominent part of the class discussion.

I want to start you out with an overview of what we will be covering this semester. In the first week, we will be teaching various methods of watching someone without being detected. This includes but is not limited to, subtle glances, dark sunglasses, hiding in the library and my personal favorite, the drive by. Are there any questions so far? Yes, you in the corner in the black hoodie.

Stalker #1: What's the driveby?

Well, I'm glad you asked. A driveby is when you slowly ride by your stalkee's house or job in hopes of catching a glance of them. They can not realize you are watching, so you have to come up with a legitimate reason for being in the neighborhood in case you are confronted. For instance, if your subject works in the mall, you have to pretend you are going to buy his or her favorite artist's CD. This also gives the illusion that you have something in common with your subject.

Stalker # 1 : But what if you don't know their favorite artist?

You get out of my class right now!!! You obviously haven't taken Obsession 101. Finding that tidbit of info is fundamental to being a stalker. If you don't know at least that much then you simply like the subject, and you are not ready to stalk. Now, where was I?

Yes, the next step is the stakeout. In this course you will learn techniques on where to place yourself to acheive maximum stalkerness. You may want to sit in your car and watch the subject. This is not as easy as it sounds. You must find a poorly lit section of the parking lot to blend in with the darkness. Also with the rising gas prices, its not feasible anymore to leave your car running while you spy. For this reason, you must learn how to maximize your fluid intake and control your sweating. This is only for advanced stalkers, the amateurs will find themselves running back and forth to the restroom thus missing several observation opportunities.

Next up is the phone call. You must learn what time is best to place stalking phone calls. If your subject is a night owl, give him/her a call in the morning when they are just waking up. If they are an early riser, then call late at night. This is when your stalkee is most vulnerable and subject to make decisions that they may not normally make. Once you have established contact, you have to know what to say. In this course, we will teach you the correct verbaige to make your subject uncomfortable. Lines like "I feel like I've known you my whole life" or "You looked really good in that green dress 17 days ago." I know this is the first day of class, but I want to hear some of your best stalker lines, so I know what I'm working with. Any volunteers?

Stalker #2 - "How about, girl, I've been watching you since the 3rd grade"

Stalker # 3 - "I have one. I can't wait until you make me pregnant"

Very good, class!!! I see you have experience. I would caution you though to be a little more subtle. You don't wanna give away the fact that you're a stalker right away. Remember stalking is a marathon, not a sprint. Hopefully by the time midterms come around, you'll see the difference. Okay, lets continue with our stalking syllabus.

Next up is the inappropriate gift. This one trips up many potential stalkers. You have two schools of thought here and I will teach them both. First, you have the practical gift givers. These stalkers like to give gifts that their subject can actually use. Gifts like off brand cologne, ties, scarves, lingerie, and the list goes on and on. Then you have the sentimental gift givers. These people like to give handmade cards, flowers, jewelry, and my personal favorite, poetry.

Stalker #4: Which school of thought are you in, Professor Watchinu?

Well, I like to mix things up and pick from both types. For instance, for my Senior Stalking Thesis, I made my stalkee a mixtape of her favorite Luther Vandross songs. I also got her some perfume from Target and topped it off with 12 dozen yellow roses. I sent it to her office building on a day that she had an important meeting. I don't expect any of you to be this advanced yet, but hopefully I can teach you to think outside of the box.

Stalker #4 - That was amazing! I hope I can be just as big of a stalker as you are!

Stalker #5 - What other tips do you have for us aspiring stalkers?

Well, if you look on your syllabus, the last section is entitled Miscellaneous. The last 2 weeks of class are going to be intense. You will learn things like how to be a non romantic stalker, you know when you just stalk your friends. Also, I'll teach you how to react to your first restraining order. Here's a preview of that one: It's just a piece of paper. Finally, I'll tell you what to do if your stalkee actually gives in.

Stalker #4 - I've heard about that happening, but I've never experienced it. What do you do in a case like that?

Stalker # 5 - I usually come down with some sort of erectile dysfunction. Is that an acceptable approach to getting the girl of your dreams?

You are on the right track. ED is a common reaction, but there are other things to consider as well, such as going crazy, locking hin/her up in your basement, or ruining their lives because they are actually human, and not worthy of being on a pedestal. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. You aren't gonna learn to be a stalker overnight.

This course is going to teach what you need to know, but a lot of it comes from you. For this reason, class participation is a must. I want everyone to start a stalking journal and fill it with the details of your obsession. Extra credit if you come up with something I haven't seen. Let me just say, I think I've seen it all from writing in blood, to writing in iambic pentameter, to sketchbooks. It will take a lot to surprise me, but I believe you have the potential to do it. Since its the first day of class, I'll let you leave early. But before I do, are there any questions? Remember there's no such thing as a stupid question, just stupid people.

Stalker # 6 - Professor Watchinu, why must we stalk people?

Great question! Stalkers fill a very important role in our society It is our duty to stalk because people need to feel wanted. Without us, the normal and well adjusted would not know what true passion is. Everyone needs to be stalked at least once to feel that rush of life. Its the sheer fear that we cause- that lets them know that they are truly alive. All right class, if there are no further questions, I'll see you next week. Make sure you bring a candid picture of subject preferably taken with a cell phone camera or a long lens camera. And if you can find a baby picture, that's even more extra credit. Class dismissed.

It was written...

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Shocking Blogger Update!!! T. Cas to Rehab?!?!

Random Thought: "It's like Jurassic Park and I'm your sexasaurus" R. Kelly "Zoo" This dude is out of his mind... kinda like me. This post is all about being sarcastic, and parodying the pop culture world and those entertainment shows. And for those that didn't read my old blog, T. Cas was my old blogger name.

Welcome to Blogger Entertainment Tonight, I'm your host: Maria Meddle. On tonight's show, which blogger is really a nice guy even though he pretends to be a jerk? And which female blogger has a secret family life? Details on these shocking stories to come, but first our top story.

T. Cas goes to rehab??? Our special correspondent, Nathan Inquisidor has the story.

Nathan: Thanks Maria. Shocking news in the blog world today as T. Cas, who in recent months has been using his real name, Rashan Jamal, is headed to rehab. Only Blogger Entertainment Tonight has the story.

It's been a long time coming, but T. Cas has finally decided to enter rehab. Sources close to the reclusive blogger tell us that Rashan will be entering the Promises Residential Treatment center tomorrow. As you may recall, Promises is the same facility that helped Lindsey Lohan and Britney Spears kick their addictions. While our sources were able to confirm that Rashan is en route to the center, they can't tell us exactly why he is seeking rehab.

Speculation is rife amongst the blogger community that T. Cas is addicted to drugs. They point to his sporadic posting and meandering random posts as a sign that he is in trouble. Others believe that T. Cas is seeking treatment for an alcohol problem. While other unnamed sources tell us mental illness is the culprit. We asked addiction specialist Danny Bonaduce for his take.

Danny: How the f*** should I know? I don't even know him.

While Danny Bonaduce refused to comment, we do have an interview with one of T. Cas' closest friends. We have blurred his image to protect his privacy.

Nathan: Why do you think T. Cas is going to rehab?

Mr X: It could be for a number of reasons. I mean, he has an addictive personality for sure. Just last week, I saw him eat an entire box of Girl Scout cookies in one sitting. If that doesn't show that he has a problem, what does?

Nathan: We have heard about his eating disorder, but we were under the impression that he didn't eat enough. Doesn't he only eat once a day?

Mr. X: Yes, but that one meal is big enough to make up for missing breakfast and lunch. I'm just saying, don't get in between him and some chicken wings. Especially if they are teriyaki.


Shocking interview there. It could be drugs, alcohol, or food. No one really knows what led to the decision to go to rehab. But I promise you we will stay on this story until we find out.

Maria: Thanks, Nathan. We may just be a little closer to finding out. Only Blogger ET can bring you the exclusive interview with T. Cas coming up after the break.

(Theme Music plays)

Maria: And we're back. Blog world was thrown for a loop today, when news broke that noted blogger, T. Cas also known as Rashan Jamal would be going to rehab. Our investigative reporter, Fiona Fallacy caught up with T. Cas outside a local strip club. Here is her shocking report:

Fiona: Thanks Maria. Exclusive footage of a stumbling, T. Cas just hours after the rehab story broke. Here is my revealing interview with a broken man.

Fiona: T. Cas! Fiona Fallacy for Blogger ET. By now we have all heard that you are going to rehab.

T. Cas: What?!? Who told you that?

Fiona: Several close sources have informed us that you will be leaving tomorrow for an intensive treatment program. Now that your secrets out, why don't you tell us all about it? Why are you going to rehab?

T. Cas: Ummm... your guess is as good as mine. Rehab is a badge of honor now a days. You have to do it if your famous.

Fiona: Is it alcohol? Is that your problem? You look pretty drunk right now.

T. Cas: Nah, I'm good, I haven't been drunk in a minute. I just had a few beers in there, but I'm not even tipsy.

Fiona: How about drugs? You have tended to ramble on in some of your latest posts.

T. Cas: I mean, I haven't taken drugs this millennium. And even when I did, it was just weed. No hard stuff for me. Family history, ya know?

Fiona: But your eyes are so red?

T. Cas: Yeah, I got what you call sleepy eyes. But no drugs in my system. This craziness is natural

Fiona: So can you tell our viewers why you are going to rehab?

T. Cas: Well if you must know, I'm going to kick my addiction to sarcasm! It's become a real problem.

Fiona: Can you really go to rehab for that?

T. Cas: If Isaiah Washington can go to rehab for being homophobic and Eric Benet can go for sex addiction, then I can go for sarcasm. That is my biggest problem. I've hit rock bottom and there's nowhere to go but up.

Fiona: What prompted this decision? You've been sarcastic for as long as you have been blogging?

T. Cas: Well, I had one of those so called moments of clarity. I realized that nobody likes a smartass and if I'm ever going to fool some unsuspecting hot chick into carrying my baby, then I need to change my ways. Besides, I just dont feel like going to work, and it's covered by my insurance.

Fiona: Back to Maria in the studio

Maria: Shocking Stuff!!! We'll be sure to stay on top this breaking story as T. Cas. Goes to Rehab continues on Blogger Entertainment News.

(It wont really continue and yes, I am aware that I have serious problems. Blame it on the lack of sleep. LOL)

Monday, June 4, 2007

Attention Deficit Dis... Hey look a shiny nickel!!!

I know I left you hanging with the whole fire post, but in light of what happened, I didn't feel like posting the story I wrote. It was about how me and my homeboy Kareem burned down his mother's crib on New Year's Eve 95. Turns out that my apartment was okay, but a nine year old boy died in the fire supposedly because he went back in the burning building to get a video game. It was too sad at the time for me to write a trivial post. When bad stuff happens to kids it really fucks with me. Anyway, if you want to read about the fire, here is the news link. Maybe one day, I'll pull my brush with fire story out of the drafts (it was pretty funny) and post it, but for now lets get back to my regularly scheduled nonsense.

Today's Random Thought: I really can't stand Rihanna. I don't have anything against her, but I just really do not like her music. I don't get why people like that "Umbrella" song. It seems like it was written by a 12 year old and features what may well be the worse Jay Z verse ever. He's not even on beat with his verse.

Let me start off today's post by giving a shout out to umm, what should I call you? Probably don't want me using the gov't name. I can't remember your blogger/myspace name, and I'm too lazy to look it up... Oh, I got it. What's up Mya Luv!!! It was cool hanging out with you Friday. What's that twice in a month? We keep this up, you might actually forgive me for not returning phone calls. LOL.

Speaking of Friday, I took notes cuz I was hearing some funny shit. Here are some of the highlights all by the "Drunk Lesbian." DISCLAIMER: All uses of the word "bitch" are quotes. I don't call women bitches, just suspect dudes. LOL

"Bitch, I will stab you in the liver so you can't drink no more"

Or the 5 minute diatribe about how she "beats her bitches"

Or when her girlfriend didn't answer the phone, "This bitch is avoiding me, she even take her phone with her to the bathroom. I mean she don't miss a call even when she's shitting"

Then she said she likes Asian men because (and this is a quote) "their penis is almost like a vagina."

And even later she ran dude out of the bar by drunkenly asking this dude who was tryna holla "Bitch, why you rubbing your man titties?" (He really was, it was hilarious) He was so shocked, he just left the whole bar.

Oh the comedy was in full effect. I only wish I was tipsy at the time.

Insomnia Update: I was off for 4 days last week. My insomnia has reached epic proportions.
Tuesday Night: I didn't sleep until 10:30 the next morning.
Wednesday Night: I fell asleep around 7:30 AM
Thursday Night: I fell asleep at 8AM
Friday Night: I fell asleep at midnight, then woke up at 2AM and didn't go back to sleep until 9AM
Saturday Night: I fell asleep at 7:30 AM.

The only good thing about not sleeping is that I have been catching up on some movies that I was late on. My favorite movie I saw this week, was "Talledega Nights", with Will Farrell. That was the funniest movie I've seen since "The 40 Year Old Virgin" I also watched "The Number 23" (it was aiight) and as I type this I'm half watching "Rocky Balboa." I think if this lack of sleeping persists, I'm gonna pick up one of my goals from last year. I was going to watch all of the movies on the AFI Greatest Movies list. So far I have seen 48 out of the 100. I know it's nerdy, but I gotta be what I am right? I used to want to make movies, and no, I'm not talking about R. Kelly type movies.

Speaking of Kels, have you heard his album? Just when I thought he couldn't get any more ridiculously raunchy, he puts out this album. I like it though. And don't tell no one, but I actually like Ne-Yo's album too. I wouldn't buy it, but I like it.

Can you tell I'm multi tasking right now? This post is on some ADD stuff, but that's okay. At least I'm finally posting semi regularly. They can't all be winners.

I think I'm an ass man now. I used to be more into the total package thing, but now I think I'm in Sir Mix A Lot's camp now. I like big butts... No real story there, just my A.D.D. kicking in.

I was told that I don't have Social Anxiety Disorder which I have self diagnosed myself with. If that's true, then I am just a lame. I think I like my excuse/defense mechanism better!

You wanna know the coolest thing in the world? My nephew calls my nuncle. Or nunka, something like that. But he recognizes me as his uncle. Kids are cool. Oh yeah, I don't have any kids. I think I confused some people when I did that letter to my son. That was all imaginary, a creative writing thing.

I like the idea of doing a "things that annoy me" post regularly, but I would probably sound like a real hater. I mean I am a hater, but I don't wanna come off that way.

Maybe it's just me, but I can't separate Eddie Murphy from Donkey anymore. Even when he gives interviews, I still think of the Shrek movies.

Why did I include a random thought, when the whole post turned out to be pretty damn random?

Anyway, it's that time again, boys and girls. Time for me to pretend that I'm gonna go to sleep when in actuality, I'm going to pop in the DVD of "What Ever Happened To Baby Jane" and stay up for a couple of more hours. Blockbuster Online is the shit even if they did copy Netflix. Have a great Monday!