Therapy

I had a breakthrough earlier this week. I finally understand why I am the way that I am. I get it from my mama…and my father. I learned this during my therapy session (sleep therapy that is)…

Perhaps, if I felt that something was wrong with me, I could have realized this earlier, but darn it, I like me. I feel like if you have a problem with me, that’s your problem. So, no… therapy is not an option for me. That’s what my blog is for. Or that’s what my amazing coping abilities are for. Or my avoidance… wait, that’s probably not a healthy response. But as I was saying, my breakthrough came to me in a dream. The details of the dream escape me. I don’t even remember my parents making a guest appearance, but the general theme was blaring in its clarity: I am my parents’ child. Physically, there’s no doubting that. You can see elements of both my mother and my father in my visage, my mannerisms, my thought process. This is a little deeper than chromosomal traits. The way that I am is like they way they were. Let me give you a couple examples.

I love my family. Really, I do. But I’m not the call all the time type of person. I easily can go a month without calling and checking on people. It’s not that I don’t I want to know what they are up to, it’s just I feel like if they have something to tell me they will. Consequently, I play the black sheep role. I’m not complaining, its only temporary and it’s of my own doing, but I realized that may just be a learned behavior. My father used to do this same thing. We would go months without hearing a word from him, then when we visited him in the summer, it was like Father’s Knows Best up in there. I always wondered how a man could virtually forget about his children when they weren’t around, and be a loving parental unit when they were around. I vowed to myself that when I became a father I wouldn’t be like that. My convictions about that are very strong, so no worries about me failing that way. I guess, however, I failed to see how I do that with other people though and how it relates to him. Here’s another example…

When I get in a relationship, I give it my all, sometimes to the detriment of other previously established relationships. I know this about myself: my girl will take precedence over my friends. On its own, that’s a good thing. A real friend should understand that. During my previous long periods of singletude, I’ve warned friends, when I get a girlfriend, I’m gonna disappear for a minute. However, I tend to take things to the extreme. For example, I hung out with a friend last night that I hadn’t seen in 4 months. Now, not all of that was because I’m boo’ed up, but I haven’t even wanted to hang out with anyone else since me and Jam started dating. I got a call last week from my mom. The message went something like this… “Just because you all in love, don’t forget about your mother, and grandmother etc.” That brought certain memories back because my mother did the same thing back in the day. I remember when I was in high school, my mom was engaged to a man that had a daughter that was about a year older than me. She spent way more time with her fiancé and his daughter that she did with me and my siblings. She once forgot to come home to take me somewhere, because she was with them. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t care cuz I got to do whatever I wanted without interference, but I have to wonder: Is that where I get it from? I’m sure if my mother would vehemently disagree were she ever to come across my blog, but I think that’s where I subconsciously learned it.

Another thing I learned from my parents was avoidance. Or maybe a better word is repression. We don’t talk about stuff like hurt feelings and disappointments. Why confront when you can pretend it didn’t happen? Why bring up an issue when you can wait for it to disappear on its own? Jameil can’t stand this. I can’t say that I blame her, but that’s the way we were raised. Talk about good things, ignore the bad things. It works for us. I personally would rather be the family that is civil to each other than the family that screams, yells and feuds with each other. Don’t get me wrong, I know there’s a happy medium in between these two polar opposite positions. Maybe I’ll find it one day. I realize that I take this tactic with my friends too. I honestly can say that I don’t always tell my friend what I’m thinking. Scratch that, I never tell them what I’m feeling unless I cushion it in my trademark sarcasm. Is it any wonder that when I have something to say, it doesn’t get taken seriously?

So, with this in mind, over drinks at Eclipse Di Luna last night, I broke from my normal pattern. I laid out my issues with my friend. I told her why I haven’t been calling or answering. I confronted the possible hurt feelings; I unburdened myself for the betterment of our relationship. (Lest you think I’m being dramatic, it really only was like 3 sentences and matter of fact. I’m not an emotional type) I guess that dream affected me more than I initially thought. Let’s see if I can modify some of my other learned behaviors. Probably not! I like who I am. Thanks Mom and Dad!!! You guys are awesome!!!

Thinking When I Should Be Sleeping

I used to think I was pretty secretive. I was known for listening to other people's stories and not telling any of mine. Then I started blogging. I realize now I tell relative strangers way more than I tell people in real life. Well, let me backtrack, because I don't think of my blog fam as strangers, especially those that I've spent hours and hours emailing and calling. But for some reason, its a whole lot easier to tell you guys things. And it's pretty much no holds barred. I don't care that people know my every move. I don't care if it makes me look bad. I keeps it real, son!

I just can't be that secretive blogging dude. There's no mystery about me. You know what I look like, where I live, where I like to hang out, my drink of choice, and so on and so on. There's no wondering about what Rashan is like. Although there are a few glossed over areas, you pretty much know the real me from reading the blog. And if there is something that you don't know that you want to know, then ask me. Diva, I would hope, can tell you that I'm pretty much an open book, except of course when I'm self deluding. Then all bets are off, but I don't deliberately try to hide stuff like I used to.

What was the point of what I was saying? I'm not sure anymore, other than to just tell you that I'm pretty transparent now a days. I thank blogging for making me this way. Although it used to be second nature for me to be less than forthcoming, I think I'm over that now. You never will have to worry about hearing stories of my hidden wife and kids, or that my blog persona is totally different from who I really am, or that I hold an embarrassing, mysterious secret that I don't want anyone to know. I pretty much tell it all, flaws and all, so you get a true sense of who I'm is. I'm just Rashan. That sarcastic, nerdy, intermittently cocky, eclectic, anti social, charming, loyal, narcissistic, realistic, (I'm tired of coming up with adjectives) hip hop head that thinks he is cooler than everybody else, even if nobody else believes it.

"As a matter of fact..f*ck being anything else!" (name that song...)

The Faucet

I walked into the bathroom to wash my face. I turned the hot water knob and the water streamed out of the faucet. I splashed my face with the hot water washing the remnants of another day out of my pores. It felt great! Water continued to flow from the faucet. Eventually the flowing water decreased, with only droplets trickling out. The hot water still felt good, but the anemic water flow was nothing like it was when it was on full blast. I turned the knob clockwise trying to recapture the feeling of the free flowing water, but inexplicably it turned completely off. Such is the story of my life.

I started to just leave this post as is, sans explanation, but decided against it. As much as I like to make you guys think I am weird, its been pointed out to me that I am not really as abnormal as I present myself. So, let me go ahead and explain that metaphor.

When I find myself getting to know someone new, the possibilities are endless. I dive in headfirst and don't think about the logistics of it. And it feels great. The getting to know you and initial infatuation phases are the best. Every waking moment is spent either with or thinking about that special someone. Inevitably, that honeymoon phase wears off, and although I still may like the person, reality creeps in. I start to see that perhaps the person I was feeling so much, may not be the right one from me. Things that I may have ignored in the beginning start to become glaring. Spending time becomes more of a chore than an adventure. Obstacles arise out of nothing. Disagreements are not worked out as easily. I will have moments where the possibilities still exist but they become fewer and more far between.

Then it happens. The feelings shut off completely. Through no fault of hers, I just don't feel it anymore. I stop initiating phone calls. I stop trying to see her. When we are together, we don't talk or do other things like we used to. To borrow a phrase from BoyzIIMen, the water runs dry. My mind wanders to other possibilities, or even worse, to ways to isolate myself from her. I turn my feelings off like that metaphorical faucet. The worst part about it is, I don't know why this continues to happen.

I've had people belie my uncanny ability to turn it on and turn it off. I've hurt people that I cared about, although that has never been my intention. I wish I could explain it. It would make life a lot easier if the water continued to flow. It would make things a lot easier if there was a discernible reason for me losing interest as I do. I hope that I can break this pattern when I finally meet her. I can only think of one time in my dating history that my interest was maintained unfettered. And that wasn't such a good thing. When the relationship ended, I found myself still feeling the effects of that hot water, so much so that I was not able to give my all to any other possibilities for an unhealthy amount of time. But that's once out of all the years, and I'm mad old. Too old to still be following this same pattern of throwing myself into the deep end, only to quickly swim back to more shallow water.

I have issues I guess. I know this post is pretty much a polar opposite of my post on Friday. Honestly, I think I'm just writing this post because all I did this weekend was sleep and think. I should have known better than to sit around with no TV and no music. Whenever I do that, I get to thinking too much. And that's never a good thing. I need a distraction. Or I need therapy. Or both. I'll settle for some more sleep now. Have a great Monday.

PS - Myo - email or text me your address. Sorry, I didn't make it out this weekend, but I got something for you and your little girl. Hope you guys had a good time. One!

That Itch

I'm what you might call a serial monogamist. I'm that guy that's always in a relationship. I've had 3 year, 2 year and 1 year girlfriends. I'm no good at the whole dating just to be dating thing. I've tried it over the last couple of years, and it just doesn't work for me. Inevitably, I get bored as soon as I can tell its going nowhere. It's not so much that I want to get married, as I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm not that easy to put up with, so that's a long shot. But it's more that I like to form connections with people. Once you are in my life, its very hard to extract yourself from my circle. Even if it's not in a romantic way, I usually stay friendly with the people that I've been intimate with.

Why am I thinking about this now? I don't know, I think I'm starting to get that itch. The ice that formed around my heart is melting away now and I think I want a girlfriend again. Calm down, it's just a theory. Real life may dictate differently, but I kind of miss having someone to spend all my time with. But at the same time, I've gotten used to retreating to the solitude of my crib and not having to completely share my world. It's oxymoronic (or just moronic), I'm aware. What kind of guy wants a girlfriend, but also wants to be left alone? Rashan, that's who.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for a woman to take away my loneliness. I don't think I have that emotion. I'm (some would say way too) comfortable being by myself. But at the same time, going out on the town, or even staying in, running my fingers through her hair while she lays on my lap sounds appealing as well. And my reasons for not having a girlfriend now have nothing to do with sowing oats. It's been quite some time since I had some oatmeal. I chalk it up to bad timing, bad luck and just a general lack of trying. Most of all, its all about not settling. I refuse to be in a situation that doesn't live up to my meager expectations. I'm not that picky, but I do have certain dealbreakers. Dumb girls, no matter how hot they are, will not capture my attention. Women with poor attitudes (i.e. complaining about everything or hateful) won't last with me. People with no real sense of humor will be shown the door expeditiously. I love to laugh and make people laugh, and if we can't agree on that, it just wont work out. (Did I ever tell you that PHD had never seen an episode of Chappelle's Show? I shoulda known then, that ish wasn't gonna last. LOL)You'll notice that none of my requirements refer to the physical. I'm not saying that's not important, but for me those other qualities trump that one. I'm saying, ugly people need love too. LOL

I think I've gotten off track, but that's nothing new on this blog. I often start off one place and end up somewhere totally different. But let me get back to the point. I was talking about that itch. I'll probably change my mind about this by next week and decide that in fact I don't want a woman. I'll meet someone that sparks my interests and like the fickle man I am, revert to that guy that wants a girl when he wants a girl, and when he don't want a girl, wants a girl that understands that. (fast forward to 2:30). Or maybe I wont. Maybe I'll get my brain to align with my heart and remember that feeling I have when I'm in a relationship. Remember how much I like making those connections and stuff. Okay, I'm officially rambling now. Lemme stop writing and catch some ZZZZ's. Have a good day.

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,

What up homey? When last we spoke we had some beef. I'm not even talking about the allergies or how you left your pollen all over the ride. You know what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 2007. You had me on some depression stuff, but I'm here to let you know, its not going down like that this year. I know I've always been partial to Autumn, but you and me have to ride together for 3 months, so we need to come to an understanding. There will be no more messing with my life like you did last year. I can hear you now saying its not entirely your fault, and you're right. Winter played a big part in it, but we since have made up and are old friends once again. I can't say the same for you just yet.

Last year about this time, I was going through some things. Nah, that ain't strong enough. I was going through some shit. Between the broke down cars (plural), and the job making significantly less than I was used to, to the females messing with my head, it just was not a good time for us. I mean really, it pains me to read the garbage I was writing. Or rather not writing because I only posted a total of 11 times in February, March and April. Some of the stuff was completely nuts, some of it just revealed that I was depressed or something. The drafts that I didn't post are even worse. I was truly on some Oscar the Grouch stuff. That's your fault, my dude! Spring is supposed to be the time of new beginnings, but you had me dwelling on hurtful days gone by instead of getting past the pain.

I think about that time last year, and I just was not myself, Spring. See, I'm the guy that rolls with the punches, the one that doesn't let stuff bother him, the one that laughs in the face of adversity. I'm so glad that I'm beyond the mess that my life was in last year. Remember that post I did about Spring Cleaning? On the surface it seemed to be about getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore, but it was really about cleaning out my life of all the negative energy I felt was surrounding me. It took a minute, but like George Bush in a flight suit: Mission Accomplished! You didn't help much, luckily Summer had my back.

Even though I still have all the stuff I mentioned in that post, like the FUBU hoodie and jersey, more MP3's than I will ever get around to listening to and I've added to my old no longer used remote control drawer, the important things have changed. I've cleaned out my soul so to speak. I'm really good. You know how when you ask someone how they are doing, they always respond with "I'm fine" or "I'm good?" That's my reality right now. I am really amazed how much differently I feel now than I did last year. We need to keep this momentum going. Spring, no matter how much you and I argued last year, we have to put that behind us and work on the future.

The Real Rashan is back. Not that complaining, self loathing bitchassnigga you turned me into last year. This year, I'm a beast! Spring, I'm taking you by storm. (Speaking of storm, can I get a few days without rain or snow? Thanks.) This is my season. And for real, its not about going to the park, or cookouts with friends, and the emergence of the girls with the short shorts, although I thank you for all of those things. Spring, what I'm talking about is my piece of mind. I've not had anything to really complain about since last Summer, and I expect that you and I are gonna keep that streak going.

So Spring, let's make 2008 infinitely better than 2007 was. Nobody wants to see a return of last year's Rashan, especially me. Isn't it much better when I can just be the man that I want to be? None of those married women in my life, none of that being broke stuff, none of that retreating from everyone and everything I hold dear. My people need me and I need them. What better time to expand our relationship that with you, Spring! Let's get this thing rolling. You do your part, and I'll do mine and together we can be a force. You know no matter how dysfunctional our relationship was last year, Spring is a time to start anew. Just think about it, please?

Peace and Blessings,

Rashan Jamal

Let's Keep It Real...What's Wrong With You?

Note: Spell check is not working for some reason, so if you notice more errors than usual, I apologize.

"Let's keep it real...What's wrong with you?"



Now, I know that sounds like something I would say, but for once the smartassedness was coming from someone else. Blind Date (I really need to think of a cool blog name for her) asked me that tonight, a little after I posted that sorry excuse for a post yesterday. I talked to her during my lunch trying to get a feel for her. Imagine my surprise when she skipped all the small talk and went for the jugular. I know what's wrong with me, but I don't know if its such a good idea to let her know yet. Lemme at least see her first before I start in on my own personal therapy session. No need for getting all pyromaniac with the bridges before I even meet her.



Let me correct what I just said. I think I know what's wrong with me, but there could be a whole lot more that I don't see. Because I usually remain on good terms with my exes, I've been able to find out some things that I did wrong in the past, so I can correct them in the future. Here are some of the mistakes I've learned about in the course of my relationship postmortems.



I don't give compliments: I've come to realize that this one is true and tried to rectify it One girlfriend told me that every woman likes to hear that they are beautiful. Yep, my bad. As I think back on my past relationships, I can see that I had been neglectful in this area. On the bright side, now that I know, I make a conscious effort to be complimentary.



I'm not affectionate: This is old news. The old Rashan wasn't one for PDA. I was retiscent of being one of those lovey dovey types that make everybody sick. I didn't realize that I could just hold her hand and accomplish the affection goal. I dont have to be extra with it. Now I take the cue from the woman. If she is into it, then I'm down. If she is one of those private types, I'm all for that.



I don't respond well to ultimatums: True again. I don't respond well to ultimatums. I feel that is the single most ridiculous thing that women do. Either I do ____ or you will do ____. You can't force someone to do what you want them to do. They should either do it because they want to, or because they realize that it will make you happy. Either way, the decision must be theirs, or to be more accurate, mine. Ultimatums will often backfire with me. I'll usually choose to do the opposite of what is requested of me. It's not done intentionally, but it's done nonetheless. I can't be forced into anything. I know all about compromise, and I can do that in a relationship, but it needs to be my choice to compromise, otherwise it cant truly be considered to be a compromise, rather bowing down to threats.



I am too nonchalant: I've been told that I don't show enough emotions. That I sometimes seem like I don't care. That I can turn my emotions on and off on cue. I don't know how to fix this one. I have an icebox where my heart used to be. I'm guarded. I'm defensive. I refuse to get hurt anymore. So, maybe that does make me nonchalant. If I do care, for the most part, I'm not gonna show it until its shown to me. That dreaded L word shall nary cross my lips again, until I'm sure that its mutual. No putting me in a submissive position. But given my history, I know when the right one comes around, I'll go at it full blast in hopeless romantic mode again.



I don't remember the little things: I got this one covered. I used to be the guy that would only give flowers on birthdays, or cards on Valentines day. I got the message loud and clear from one of my exes. She told me that it doesn't have to be anything extravagant, just let me know that you are thinking of me, every now and again. I'm all good with this one now, but I guess it's easy to say it when I don't have to put it to practice now, what with the perpetual singleness and all, but I figured out that this is a necessary tool for keeping women happy.



I don't let people in: I vehemently disagree with this one. Anytime I'm in a relationship, the woman knows everything there is to know about me. In fact I sometimes feel self conscious about sharing so much. I can listen to you all day long, but when it comes to talking about me, I am uncomfortable. I don't know what I think she is gonna do with the information, but the vulnerability factor perplexes me. That being said, I still think I let people in, but if in fact I dont, that would be the reason.



I don't make decisions: I guess I have in the past not stepped up and made decisions in the relationship. There's that compromise thing again. Put me anywhere and I'm gonna be good. I have deferred to the woman in many cases, just because I'm not that particular, and they are. Apparently, I should put my foot down every now and then. But I just want to keep the peace. For example, if we are going out to eat, and she asks where I wanna go, I'll come up with something. But if she doesn't want to go there, it wont be a pleasant experience. So why not just skip the part where she pretends to go along with me, while complaining about every aspect of the dinner. Let's just go where you want to go. I'll be fine either way. I can get a steak or some pasta anywhere. Why should we even go through the charade? To me this is a catch 22 situation. Either be decisive and risk having a terrible time or do what she wants and risk being considered a pushover.



I'm just a smart ass: If you've read the blog more than once you know that is never going to change. I just have to find someone who isn't so sensitive. I will not change this, as its an integral part of who I am. If you like Rashan, you have to be prepared for a smart comment now and again. I'm not trying to be mean. It's just a joke, baby! Calm down! Matter fact, fire a joke back at me. That's sexy as hell to me. I woman who can shrug off my smart mouth and then throw it back at me? Sign me up for one of those!



I have too many female friends: Yeah, so what? I like women, they like me. Just because we are friends doesn't mean anything else is popping off. "No reason to be insecure/or immature/baby girl see the world is yours" - "Big Girl" - Nas- 1999. I do have female friends, but they always know who comes first. My girl will always come before my friends. There's no debate about that. In fact whenever I start dating/talking to someone new, I'm gonna go MIA for a minute. I've told my friends as much. Don't expect to see me for a while. I'll get at you when the honeymoon phase wears off. The female friends will not be a problem for me...anymore.



I keep things inside: I don't think so. I just have a Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy. I'm not one for just complaining about things that I can't change. Therefore, I keep little problems to myself. It's not intentionally keeping things from the woman, it just doesn't seem worth the effort of telling her every time someone gets on my nerves at work, or every time some new girl tries to holla at me. What does it accomplish for you to know all that? She'll end up stressing worse than me, which by proxy makes me stress about something that I wasn't really stressing in the first place. Nah mean? I promise anything major in my life, she will know about it. But the little things are not worth the hassle. I'm not being secretive, I'm just not sweating the smal stuff.



Those are some of the things that are or were wrong with me. I think I've learned a great deal, and will do things differently if/when given a chance. I may have a lot of other things wrong with me that my exes didn't identify. Who knows, but I thank them that they gave me some things to work on. I didn't return the favor though. Don't ask, Don't tell: that's my policy! Remember? If they don't ask me what they could do better, I'm sure not gonna volunteer it. As far as Blind Date is concerned, my answer was a little elusive, a little mysterious, but 100% Rashan.



"Wouldn't it be more fun for to discover that yourself?"

It Is What It Is!

If any of you are (un)lucky enough to hold a conversation with me, you'll notice a few things about me. #1. I'm stubborn. #2 I have a tendency to quote random rap lyrics and/or movie quotes to punctuate my point and #3 One of my favorite phrases is "it is what it is." That's my go to phrase when I'm tired of belaboring a point or if I don't care to expound any further. That's my way of shutting things down. People hate it, not so much because of the phrase itself, although that's enough to drive them batty. But mostly because they know that "it is what it is" signifies the end of my participation in the conversations. Sure, they will try to keep it going, but once I reach that juncture, they might as well be talking to themselves.

For such a simple combination of words, "it is what it is" works in so many different circumstances. You want to convince me to change my mind... it is what it is. You think I'm being unreasonable... it is what it is. I should express my feelings more... it is what it is. I know that it doesn't really mean anything, other than stating the obvious, but that's how I often feel. Once I get a thought stuck in my head, my stubbornness is legendary. It's damn near impossible to change my mind. Someone asked me tonight if there was anything she could do to change my mind. My answer was a resounding NO! Right or wrong, when my mind is made up, it's a wrap. I don't waver unless I convince myself that I was mistaken. Nothing you say is gonna make me vacillate. You think that's wrong? Oh well, it is what it is.

Why am I like that? Why do I always feel that my point of view is the right one? I'm not sure I have an answer for that query? It just is what it is. I know that's not the best way to win friends and influence people, but it works for me now. Maybe one day, I'll learn the fine art of compromise, but until then I'll just continue to piss people off by uttering that most annoying of phrases: it is what it is, yo! You either hate it or love it. I can't control what other people think any more than they can shape my ideas. Everyone is different. I've come to accept and embrace that each persons individuality makes the world go round. Maybe that leads to conflict at times, but you know what? It is what it is!

I Wasn't Always This Way

You know I think too much. Sometimes my brain is overactive, and it makes me contemplate that which need not be contemplated. I've always been this way. I am prone to zone out and retreat into my thoughts without regard to what surrounds me. The best way to describe it would be a state of oblivion. I had another one of those moments tonight. I got so wrapped up in my own neurons firing that I drove straight past my exit and wound up 10 miles off course. That's not to say that I was a danger to my fellow drivers, but rather to acknowledge that my multi tasking took me off course. Today's topic of thought was my so called anti social behavior. I realized that I wasn't always this way.



I claim that I'm anti social, but I'm not sure if that's even accurate. I still go out from time to time. If I'm being honest with myself, I think its purely a matter of not wanting to be bothered. I'm never one to turn down an invitation when I think there will be fun involved. Its just those situations where I might have to do something I may not derive pleasure from that I avoid. Situations that might lead to someone not being able to handle their liquor, or where there is the potential for conflict are the ones I avoid. Situations where control freaks try to maneuver every aspect of the evening, rather than just going with flow are also on my list. I think I'm just selfish, but in a good way. I know what I like and I'm no longer going to put myself in environments that don't meet those requirements.



I wasn't always this way. Hell, before I moved to Atlanta I was the king of socializing. If I wasn't out at the club, then people were over my crib. And not just the usual suspects like Kareem, although he did basically bogard his way into every apartment I ever had. I didn't mind. I liked my alone time, but he was pretty much just like me. We could chill in the same spot, and not say a word until it got time to play some Madden. But there were others as I remembered tonight. My homeboy Lorenzo and his wifey Angela would come over and get lit on any given night. Boo Trotter could have had a key to my place and I wouldn't have minded. Senita would spend the night after a long night of spades playing and liquor. Tasha and Charita, Marcia and Andria, even the 2 white boy junkies. I would hang out with anyone at anytime. Even though there wasn't much to do in the S-A-V, I always found something to get into. My circle of friends was immense, whether they were close or not.



So how did I turn into the hermit I am today? I thought about it as I circled I-285 tonight. I think a lot of my anti social behavior stemmed from trying to get away from the drama. Cuz even though I was cool with all kinds of people, they always had a problem with each other. Boo and Senita could never get along. When Kareem and Tasha started dating and had a kid, it wasn't all fun and games anymore. My girl didn't trust me around Andria and overcompensated by trying to befriend her. (I'll never forget the time I came home and my girl was doing Andria's hair in my crib. Talk about awkward.) The two white boy junkies were always trying to break some shit after they smoked out. Et cetera and all that. See there was always some mess going on. I got to the point where I just couldn't take all that anymore.



Somehow I got stuck there. Stuck in the place where I would rather be alone than deal with other people's personality issues. I moved to the A, and left all them behind, with the exception of Kareem. Yeah, I tried to keep in touch for awhile, but people kept getting their phones cut off or moving and I just didn't put in the effort. Even here, I had a nice little circle of friends at first, but I became increasingly annoyed with them. We all worked together, and played together and eventually it was just too much of seeing the same people all the time. I retreated once again, and when my and my ex broke up, she got custody of those friends. I was more than okay with that, because if I had to listen to the same stories one more time I might have taken a long walk off of a short pier.



This is when my anti socialness really took hold. For months, I didn't do a damn thing. No going out to eat, no hanging out with people. I stayed in the house and really came to enjoy being by myself. I've always liked myself, but this period of reflection made me like me even more. I wasn't really interested in looking past other peoples BS anymore. It was easier to just do me, than have to compromise with others. If I wanted to go out, I went by myself or with my brother who at that time was crashing on my couch. I didn't really need friends, or more accurately I didn't want them invading my solitude.



That being said, I don't think I can really be described as anti social. If you were to see me at work, you would really think I was an outgoing, vibrant personality. I crack jokes and flirt and hold conversations like normal people do. When I tell people that I don't like going out, they tend not to believe me. Maybe it is time for me to break out of my self imposed solitude and connect with the rest of the world. It sounds good in theory, but before it can happen in earnest, I'd have to find a way to not get annoyed with people so easily.

So, what's the point? Why did I spend so much time thinking about this? I honestly don't know if there is a point. That's just the way my brain works sometimes. Crazy talk, I guess.

You Talking To Me?

You gotta read this shit, yo! Go read it, and then come back. I'll wait....

Eb the Celeb decided to call out the male bloggers. I wouldn't be me if I didn't respond. Yes, I know I have already posted twice today, but you know what? This requires a response.

Let me first say this. If it sounds like I'm getting snippy with her, that's not my intention. Sometimes my sarcasm doesn't come across well unless you actually hear me. But this is all in good fun.

First of all, I need to not be lumped in with other dudes. Rashan is an original, for better or for worse and much of what Eb was writing about doesn't apply to me. I've never used my blog to detail my sexual exploits, even when I had some. LOL. I think it was Jameil that called herself the blog prude, but when it comes to sex that's me. I can only think of once or twice (out of 380 some odd posts) that I've even talked about sex on either one of my blogs, and that was always in past tense (aside from when I was doing tags that required that kind of talk.) And to be sure, you have never heard me talk about size or performance. That just ain't me, and I think that's part of the reason I don't really hang with guys. The locker room talk played out in high school for me at least. What's done in the dark is my business, and I don't talk about that with y'all.

Then Eb talked about how we seem perfect on the blog. Like we are all the take her out and wine and dine her types. Let's run that back. I've been blogging for 2 years, and I can't recall ever writing about doing that kind of stuff. I mean I might have done it once or twice, but I haven't written about it. At least not in detail. Again, that part of my life is private. All you get is some cursory delineations, not the full unabridged version. I don't pretend to be Mr. Romance or advertise any romantic inclinations to make the ladies happy. In fact, its more like the opposite. I come off as more of a lame than a Casanova.

She says we (male bloggers) put ourselves on a pedestal with our posts, and wants us to write about our flaws. I think, again, this doesn't apply to me. I'm all about telling you the good, the bad and the ugly. I don't hold back just because it'll make me look bad. In fact, some of my favorite posts are the ones where I just come extra real and talk about my dirt. I think I'm very honest about my flaws. Blog Rashan is very much like real life Rashan. He thinks he is the shit, but understands that not everyone holds that same opinion, and he is okay with that. I don't try to make myself seem a certain way to make the ladies swoon. In fact, some of the characteristics I display on the blog are enough to turn people off. But that's real life. I know I'm not perfect, and don't try to be.

So, Eb the Celeb I feel where you are coming from, but you ain't talking about me. I have never been one to tell anyone what they want to hear, unless I believe it. A perfect example was on that post about the lying guy on your blog. I could have said, dude is dead wrong for that, but instead I told you the real. I lack the placating gene. That might answer one of your other questions about why I'm still single and haven't been snatched up yet. LOL. And really, the freaks of nature that I meet are all real. I couldn't make this shit up. LOL. Perhaps, the poetry spitting brothers in the blogosphere cater to the women, but me?? I keeps it realer than most (I know you feelin' it- Jay-Z "Feelin' It" 1996) Most of my readers are women, but that's not at all because I say what I think they want to hear. Its just because there are far more women bloggers than males, and males are extremely territorial when it comes to this blog thing. I wrote about this... way back when. You ask if I'm really as good as I seem. The answer to that is an unequivocal yes, if in fact I seem good. I don't know about good or bad, Rashan is just Rashan, nah mean?

Now I open this up to the readers: Do you think I write to pander to the ladies? Do you think I try to portray myself in only a positive light? Do you think Eb was talking to me? I know what I think, but its always interesting to see what other people think of you. Discuss!

Similar, But Not Synonyms

"Ugggh, Rashan! You are so damn cocky!"

That's what someone told me the other day. I can see why she thought that was the case. I did kinda imply that she wanted me. But the thing is, I was right. She does want me. I wasn't being cocky, I was just being real. I was trying to put some things in check, so there were no misunderstandings. But for real, I'm not cocky. Sure I have my moments, but who doesn't? I really don't think I'm as arrogant as some people think I am.

The truth is, I know what I know. I don't think that everybody wants me. I know my limitations. I know that I'm a short chubby guy, and that women want tall muscular guys. I know my pockets aren't deep as some. I know that I have no game to speak of. I would never put myself out there like I'm God's gift to women. But every once in awhile, some woman will come around that for some reason finds me irresistible. I don't know why, but I don't look a gift horse in the mouth, whatever that means.

So, yeah. I'm confident in certain situations. I'm not afraid to big myself up. I know that I'm the shit, but I also know my shit stinks, so to speak. I'm very realistic about who I am, and what role I play. I know that I have a beautiful, yet eccentric mind. That I am confident in. I don't care if nobody else gets me, I'm always gonna think my brain is amazing. If its something I'm good at, I'll say I'm good at it. That's not being cocky, that's just being real. If its something I'm not good at, then I'll cop to that too. That's not being self deprecating, its just being real. It is what it is. Doesn't make me cocky, or does it?

The way I see it, cocky and confident are similar, but not synonymous. There's a family resemblance. They have some DNA in common, but not like identical twins. When I acknowledge my strengths, that's me being confident. It's not done to make someone else feel bad, but rather to make myself feel good. After all, as they always say, if you don't love yourself, then who will?

New Year's Resolutions - Revisited

Last year, I made some New Years Resolutions. Since 2008 is upon us, I thought I would revisit these and see how I did. The first 10 were not serious resolutions, but let's check them out anyway. New comments are in BOLD RED

1. I resolve to make at least one comment per day that makes someone call me a jerk, an asshole or if I'm feeling especially sarcastic, a douchebag (like the girl at work called me when I made fun of her furry shoes.) Mission Accomplished!!! While it wasn't everyday, I pretty much held fast and true to this one. My funny-only-to-me jokes had people exasperated all year.

2. I resolve to shock the hell out of people by actually showing up to their function and not being anti social every weekend. I had a nice little run of going out for most of the year. True, I still had my sit around and do nothing moments, but not as many as in the past.

3. I resolve to become addicted to some activity, be it blogging, Playstation, internet porn, or Comcast On Demand. No real new addictions to speak of. I guess you can say I was re-addicted to blogging in November and December, but I think its still within healthy levels.

4. I resolve to look longingly at women and then not talk to them because of my self diagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder. *sigh* I guess I have to admit that I still do this.

5. I resolve to make excuses for my behavior, rather than changing it (see # 4) Not really, In 2007 I became more about accountability. Even if I didn't change any behaviors, I accepted responsibility for it.

6. I resolve to mock whatever form of music is popular in '07, and secretly like some of it. Yep, for as much smack as I talked about the radio this year, you could catch me rapping or singing along with it from time to time. Even that ridiculously bad T. Pain... I wouldn't necessarily turn off "Buy You A Drank"

7. I resolve not to buy a CD again before I hear it. Thanks Nas for helping me out with this one. I really want to like Hip Hop is Dead, but it ain't working out for me. I eventually did like Nas' album, and I bought 3 CD's just off the strength of liking the artists and it worked out for me. Other than that, Limewire is my best friend.

8. I resolve to avoid phone calls from people that I used to be cool with and then call them a month or two later and act like nothing happened. Did that. Also, just never called some people back at all.

9. I resolve to drive around aimlessly while trying to decide what to get to eat, then get fed up and come home starving and eat oatmeal. Let me count the days I did this one, except instead of oatmeal, it was usually a peanut butter and jelly sandwich until I inexplicably became allergic to peanuts about halfway through the year. Then I switched it up to hot pockets or cereal.

10. I resolve to start an ambitious project and then get bored or writer's block and just stop, while leaving people hanging. Yeah, I'm still not finished with my novels, but at least I didn't keep the blog hanging. When I started a story, I finished it.


Then I got serious and came up with some real resolutions. Let's check my progress...

1. I resolve to have, in the words of everyone's favorite oversinging R&B diva, "No More Drama." I'll say about 80% of the year, I was drama free. That's a whole lot better than last year. I did have some war of the exes stuff going on in the beginning, but I think that's all over.

2. I resolve to make myself a priority and make sure the people around me treat me as such. Wow, I took this one to heart. I actually think I took this one too far. I became inflexible in 07. It was all about me, and if you couldn't get with it, then too bad for you. I may need to pull this one in a little in 08. With the exception of my family, I didn't do anything I didn't want to do, no compromise in me at all. That's not good. LOL

3. I resolve to start going out more or at the very least get a life outside the internet. I went out some. Lots of going to the bar, some dates, a concert or two, couple of football games, clubbing, general hanging out. Nothing excessive, but good enough for me.

4. I resolve to get promoted within 6 months. If you can call it a promotion, it took 8 months. I actually don't want anymore promotions until I can figure out my next move. I guess I shouldn't have put that application in at work today.

5. I resolve to take care of my health better this year. And yes that includes finally getting some new contact lenses. Mixed bag here. I got new contacts and glasses. I had only needed them for like 3 years. I actually went to the doctor when I was sick instead of letting it go away on its own, so that's progress. On the flip side, I gained back 10 of the 40 pounds I had lost in 06. I guess losing weight by doing nothing doesn't last forever.

6. I resolve not to become involved in other people's mess. See # 1. Absolutely, I killed this one. For once, nobody could say, Rashan said this or Rashan said that. Hell, they couldn't even find Rashan. I was so self absorbed this year that anybody else's mess had no chance of getting on my radar. Its also hard to get caught up when you don't answer the phone. LOL

7. I resolve to stop being late. I'm actually doing a lot better at this one. I get to work like 45 minutes early b/c I'm trying to avoid traffic. I still get to work on time, but I have been known to show up at functions 2-3 hours late. Mostly, its because everything goes down either too early or on the other side of town. Why can't my friends get together at night like normal people? They act like they got a curfew or something. LOL

8. This is a repeat from last year, but I resolve to spend more time with my family. I'm doing pretty good at this one too so far. Another winner! You can see from all the pictures I put up, that my family is a very big part of my life. And you know what I love about this? We can just BE, it doesn't have to be a big emotional deal when I take the kids out to the mall or to dinner. It's just a cool Uncle hanging with his cool nephews and niece.

9. I resolve to force myself to eat, even when I am not hungry. No more going two days without eating. Big fat stinkin' failure. Although I haven't gone 2 days without eating, I have skipped a day here or there. And I still only eat one big meal a day, messing up my metabolism. I can't seem to manage to eat more often.

10. Finally, I resolve to continue my journey of personal growth, understanding that I don't know all the answers and I'm not always right. (It killed me to type that last sentence.) Here's the deal. The more I try to humble myself, the more I realize that I am always right. Okay, realistically I know that I'm not always right, per se, but lets just say, my first impressions are usually correct. I don't know why or how, but in 07, I've been right way more than I've been wrong about people. That being said, I know I don't have all the answers. But I think I have grown to the point where I am accepting of people's differences, and don't particularly judge them for disagreeing with me. I know I just typed a whole lot to say a whole little, but dig this. I know my journey of personal growth will never be over, but I like where I am at this point.

No resolutions this year. At least none that I care to share with anyone else. I have a few in mind, but they are gonna have to take place later in the year. January 1st is too close to accomplish these. But you know me, it wont be long before I spill the beans, especially on one of those nights when I have nothing left to blog about. Everybody have a Happy and safe New Years Eve and I'll see you in 08. *insert corny rhyming 2008 saying here*

In Love With Myself (3rd Post)

I gotta admit that I'm in love with myself. I have a very high view of Rashan. Some might call it cocky or arrogant. I don't deny that. That's not all I am, but it's part of who I am. The thing about it, I don't care. I'm not interested in apologizing for liking me. That's how it's supposed to be, right? If I don't like me, then who will?

But every now and then, I have to check myself. I have to pull the reigns on my ego and say "wow, that was arrogant even for you, Rashan." Yes, I talk to myself and I use the third person when I have those conversations. And yes, sometimes those self conversations are out loud. And yes, sometimes I like talking to myself better than talking to other people. That doesn't make me self-centered does it? Oh, it does? Oh,well. I'll be that.

The strange thing about it is by recognizing my own tendency for self absorption, I make me like myself even more. How, you ask? Check it out: Some people go through life being selfish, but don't realize it. I, on the other hand, recognize my shortcomings, so that makes me better than them. LOL. I know that's crazy Rashan logic, but it is what it is. Perhaps, I'm just a little sleepy right now, and shouldn't be posting my inner most thoughts. Probably, I'll wake up in the early afternoon and wonder what the hell I was thinking by sharing this. More than likely, I'll have one or two comments telling me how crazy I am. At least I hope so. Cuz that would mean that Rashan was right again. And Rashan loves being right.

It's funny how sleep deprivation mimics drunkenness. I haven't had a drop tonight, but you wouldn't know it from reading this rambling. I'm off to sleep for 10 hours. Somebody wake me up when its happy hour.

Reflection Eternal

I apologize in advance for the cryptic and rambling nature of this post. Insomnia is kicking my ass tonight. I promise I'll be back to normal tomorrow. It's damn near daybreak and I'm up for no reason, just reflecting on my life. I do this every now and then when I can't sleep. That's why I always have the TV on or some music to distract me. Today, I'm watching the History Channel (with the close captioning on), and got the Erykah Badu blasting, but I can't shake the feeling. I gotta reflect.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, because half the shit going through my brain, I can't even talk about. Or more accurately, I choose not to talk about. I've become more selective about the pieces of me that I share on the blog. You know the basic personality, you know the motivations, you know some of the major events, but there is so much I don't say. When I get like this, I sometimes wish I had the guts to just say what was on my mind, damn the consequences. If you could see some of the posts I have in my drafts, you may have an entirely different perception of me. I wrote about some of the ill shit that I have done, some of the mistakes I have made, some of the ill shit that has been done to me. I just can't bring myself to post them. Part of me thinks that I should just let it all out, cuz it makes for some damn good reading, if I say so myself. But the other part of me worries about the effect of what my words would cause. Would you see me differently? Probably. Would you see some of your favorite bloggers (intentionally plural) differently? Undoubtedly, you would.

I reflect on the last couple of years and I see it like a movie. Maybe it's because I did nothing this weekend but watch DVD's, but my thoughts are real cinematic right now. I think I could pass off some of my experiences as fiction and sell them to Hollywood. I guess everybody's life is like that. Maybe it only seems dramatic to me, but the last two years would make a pretty good rising action in a plot. There is one big story that I have been itching to tell, but for the sake of keeping the peace, I've kept to myself. I mean, nobody, blog world or otherwise knows this story. Bits and pieces may have slipped out after a couple shots of Jack, but the whole story is locked up in my vault. People may think they know, but they have no idea. I'll take the blame for that. I've refused to talk about it, I've lied about it, I intentionally planted misinformation to avoid talking about it. I've been trying to psyche myself up to tell the whole story, but every time I get to the point where I wanna let it out, I self censor myself. And if you been reading me for awhile, its not the story you think I'm talking about, although it is somewhat related.

I guess the reason I've kept quiet is that I really don't like confrontation. I try my best to avoid conflict with people, to the point that I let them get away with their slanderous words and misperceptions of who I really am. And that's my justification for keeping quiet. It really wouldn't do any good to talk about it, except for the cathartic possibilities. I may feel better talking about it, but after that momentary feeling of relief, nothing will change. Drama would be all stirred up for no reason other than me wanting to get some shit off my chest. And is that really worth it? Once again, a rhetorical question. I've already decided that it's not worth it. Except on nights like this when I can't get my brain to stop working no matter how many times I put "Mama's Gun" on repeat.

I know I'm not the only one that keeps stuff to himself. I can always tell when I'm reading blogs where information has been intentionally omitted. I just decided (like as I'm typing this sentence) this week I'm going to try to tell you guys something that I have been holding in. Not necessarily the aforementioned story, but something that I have intentionally kept secret. I have to decide what it's gonna be. I think it will be good for me to unburden myself, as long as nobody else gets hurt. Check back tomorrow and I'll hopefully will have come up with something from my drafts that I was hesitant to post. This is gonna be my week of full fledged, unbridled honesty, whether it paints me in a bad light or not. Bear with me, it may not be pretty, but it should be interesting.

Insatiable

I'm gonna be all the way real with you. I gotta problem with never being satisfied. I don't mean that in a good way, like I don't stop til I reach my goal. What I mean is, when I get what I think I want, I find something wrong with it. It makes no sense, but I might as well just be honest with you. I may just be a tad bit out of my mind.

If you go to a strip club, there's always a guy trying to hit on the waitress...

I've been that dude before. In the midst of all the ladies willing to dance butt ass naked for me, I had my eye on the waitress. She was like 4'11" and had these hypnotizing grey eyes and a smile that lit up the smoke filled club. Shawty had me open, ordering drinks I didn't even want, tipping her like she just was working on the pole. Wondering how much it would take to get her to start stripping. There was a point to this rambling, I think. Oh yeah, some people (by that I mean me) are just never satisfied.

By now, you are probably wondering what in the blue hell I am talking bout, so let me explain. I said I didn't want a relationship and I don't. I like the whole "just dating" thing. I like the fact that Sunday-Thursday, I can just do me and not have to worry about placating someone else. I like that Friday and/or Saturday I can chill with someone without all the expectations of a relationship. I've been getting exactly what I want. So why the hell was I thinking crazy this week?

I found myself wanting more. Now hold on, before you get the wrong idea, let me clarify. I don't want a girlfriend right now. I think what I want is someone who wants to be my girlfriend. Maybe its an ego thing. I'm so used to having people doing their damnedest to get my attention. Even though I don't want someone who is gonna call me all the damn time, I wonder, why doesn't she call me all the time. How come she doesn't want more from me than I'm willing to give? I know it's nuts and I should just be happy that I'm getting what I want, but my brain is thinking otherwise. Could it be that I really do enjoy the stalker bugaboo thing? Do I want someone who is way more into me than I am with them? What the hell is wrong with me that I can't just be content with things the way they are?

My ex told me yesterday that this was good for me. Now I can see what I always do to people. She said that I act all sweet in person, and then aloof when we're apart. I hate to admit it, but she's right. It's like looking in a mirror. I know I keep people at arms length, but I'm not used to it happening to me. I'm used to looking at my phone and smirking because someone is calling too much, not looking at my phone and not seeing any missed calls. And at the risk of repeating myself, this freedom and Rashan time is what I want. But what do I do if its not what I want anymore?

I'm not really asking for advice. These are just rhetorical questions that I've been asking myself. By the time anyone even reads this post, I'll probably have come to my senses and be thanking merciful God that I'm not being pressured into a relationship. I'm just never satisfied I guess. Either that, or I'm out of my mind. God, I hope she never stumbles across my blog. That would really, really suck. LOL

Another Edition of Rashan Thinking Too Much: Sports and Racism

What's the deal, blog fam? I hope you all had a safe and enjoyable Labor Day weekend. Mine was cool. I didn't do too much of anything this weekend, other than go to my niece's birthday party. Other than that, I overdosed on college football this weekend and watched a few movies. My "girly" date with PHD was postponed as she had a paper to rewrite this weekend, so I pretty much chilled.

Monday, I realized something about myself. I just might be a racist. It started out innocently enough. I was half - watching the US Open tennis tournament and there was a match between a (half) Black dude and a White dude. The names escape me right now. Well, subconsciously, I decided that I wanted the Black dude to win. I realized I had no other reason for rooting for him than a common possession of melanin. When I think about it, its not anything new, I think I always root for the Black guy to win, but I wonder does that make me racist? I imagine if a Caucasian said the same thing, I would think it was racism, but for me, it just came natural to root for the Negro. Hell, I even find myself rooting for Ti.ger Woo.ds sometimes, even though he strikes me as the least Black Black person in America.

What made it worse is the announcers. I usually watch sports with the volume down to tune out the inane babbling of the so called experts, but today I was listening to them. It seemed to me, that every time the Black player made a good shot, it was attributed to his athleticism, rather than his skill. The opposite was in effect for the White player. He, according to the announcers, was skillful, not athletic. I thought about that for a minute. Was I wrong in thinking that racism had something to do with their characterizations of the players? And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it was malicious in nature, but it seemed to be a double standard going on. I then thought about my own perceptions of the races when it comes to sports. Almost subconsciously, when you see a White athlete, he doesn't give you the athletic vibe. That's why in basketball, its 10 times worse to get dunked on by a White guy, than a Black guy. Or in football, why we still have conversations about Black quarterbacks when almost half of the starters in the league are Black. I came to the conclusion that I am just as racist as everyone else, because I think these same thoughts sometimes.

Here are some of my racist thoughts when it comes to sports:

If I watch a Mexican boxer, I think he's gonna be really tough. I also know he is gonna get cut about halfway through the fight.
I'm always shocked when a White basketball player dunks instead of shooting three pointers or mid range jumpers.
Black soccer players must be from Africa because we don't play that in the hood. (like I know anything about the hood.)
Have I ever seen an Asian Football player?
I got more, but I think I've put my own prejudices out there enough for one day.

I've heard the argument that Black people can't be racist because we don't have the power in this country. With all due respect, I think that's some bullshit. Since when does power factor in to the way we think? If I call someone a ho.nky ala Geor.ge Jeffe.rson, isn't it the same as them calling me ni.gger, regardless of whether or not we have one Black senator, or fifty. I don't think that is particularly a bad thing, its just tribalism. Most people are more comfortable with people that they share a common experience with. I am of the opinion that most people have some racism in them one way or another. It doesn't make them bad people necessarily, it just is what it is. The key is to be able to put aside your racism and treat people the same regardless of race.

I know racism is a touchy subject and I don't mean to make light of it. Since sports is what made me think about it, I just discussed it from a sports perspective. I could probably find more examples of my racism in other aspects of my life, but I don't want to come across as an even bigger bigot. I honestly believe in the equal rights of all Americans, but I also realize that when it comes down to it, most people are gonna cheer for their own tribe. What do you think? Am I just thinking too deeply, or am I a racist for these thoughts? Does rooting for your race or countryman make one a racist? I'd be lying if I said I knew the answer.

And I'm outta here...like last year... (more old school ish for ya!)

Forgiveness and What Not

Today's Random Thought: Next time I decide to go to a strip club, I'm gonna call ahead and make sure that PacMan Jones isn't there. People have a tendency to get shot around him.

Consider this my public apology. I know this is gonna be cryptic, but hopefully, the people know who they are. If not, then I guess I really didn't owe them an apology.

I'm sorry that I just stopped returning your calls. Life was getting hectic and I had to take a break for my own mental health. It's nothing that you did, the walls were closing in on me for a minute and I didn't know how to handle it. I want to call you now, but what can I say at this point. Maybe the Lord will bless me with some courage for what I know is going to be a difficult conversation.

I'm sorry that we couldn't get our timing right. I really do feel you, but I couldn't wait forever. And now that everything is different, I hope you can realize that its actually the same. Ya dig?

I'm sorry that I can't be what you want me to be. I think under the circumstances you would be able to understand my hesitancy. It doesn't mean what you think it means, it just means that I am living my life. You gotta respect that and not jump to dramatic conclusions all the time.

I'm sorry that I hold so much animosity in my heart towards you. I can't seem to shake it. I'm pretty good at forgiveness, but for some reason, I can't do it with you. You probably don't even care, but I thought I would throw this out there for you anyway.

I'm sorry that I had to leave. I keep telling you all that you will be just fine without me, and I hope that you really are. I know times are rough and there is nobody like me, but you are gonna make it. Change is constant in business, so you have to adapt. It's a struggle, but I'm doing it, so you have to as well.

I'm sorry I haven't called you yet. To be honest, half of me thinks you aren't serious. The other half is intrigued, but not ready to put you through my mess. Give me a little more time to get my mind right, and I'm there.

I'm sorry that I don't comment on everybody's blog like I used to. It's a combination of not being on the computer as much as I was before and not having anything intelligent to say. Rest assured that I do read most of the time, and I know that I should comment, but I haven't gotten back into the swing of things. I guess that excuse is getting old, since I have had this new blog for 6 months, but this is one of those "it is what it is" moments.

I'm sorry that we can't talk like we used to. I know with my work schedule and your home life, it's pretty impossible. But shoot me an email or a text message to let me know if you are cool. I have to admit that I was pretty worried with our last conversation a couple of weeks ago. I hope all is well.

I'm sorry that I haven't kept in touch. I know it didn't seem like it, but I really am a loner at heart. You may have thought I was outgoing from the persona that you met, but that's not the real me. The real me is boring, a hermit, an introvert. I'm not going to insult your intelligence with false promises of doing better either.

I'm sorry that my sorrys are chock full of excuses. I hate apologies coupled with excuses, but it seems like I did it. I just want you all to know that I don't say sorry unless I mean it. If you have any doubt about whether or not I am being sincere, think back to your interactions with me. Have I ever apologized for anything? If I think I'm right, do I ever back down to keep the peace? And if by some fluke, I did apologize, wasn't it like pulling teeth to get me to do it? So, just know I'm so sincere.

The (Fairly) Young and The Restless

Warning: This is one of those complaining self deprecating posts. The kind that's going to make you say "Get over it!" I know because I found myself telling myself the same thing as I was writing it.

I'm bored, y'all. I mean really, really bored. I feel like my life is in a holding pattern. I'm a 747 circling the airport waiting for clearance to land. It seems that every week is the same thing. Go to work, come home and repeat. Even on my off days, I rarely do anything of consequence. I know that I'm never going to be a social butterfly, but it would be nice to every once in a while have drinks with some friends or something. I can't seem to motivate myself to do that though. It's my fault, I know. I have people that would love for me to hang out with them, but I always seem to blow them off. I spent some time recently trying to come up with a game plan to stop being a recluse. But as they say the best laid plans...

I pride myself on being pretty self aware. But the thing that I don't understand about myself is this: when I go out, I have lots of fun. So why don't I do it more often? Try as I might, I can't seem to come up with a legitimate answer to that one. Is it Social Anxiety Disorder, which I have self diagnosed myself with? Doubtful, because its not like I don't know the people I would be hanging out with. Is it laziness? Not really, because its not like I'm staying home just for the sleep. I'm up at all hours of the night and morning anyway. What is it? I'm still working on that. My latest theory is that I'm just fucking selfish. I want what I want when I want it. (Love Jones 1997) I think that if people were On Demand, like my Comcast cable, I would be okay with it. It would be cool if I could just call someone up and say lets go hang out at Atlantic Station one day, and then not talk to them again until I'm ready to go out again. But I know that's not realistic. It would be cool if I could make people do what I want to do, without having to accommodate their preferences and tastes. Again, not very realistic.

Another problem I have is over analyzing situations. I talk myself out of going out sometimes. I don't know why, but it happens often. I'll give you an example. Last month, I missed both the Nas and De La Soul concerts that I was going to go to. In both instances, I was all excited about the prospects of attending the concert, but then found some inane reason for not going. It doesn't make sense, really. It's not only nighttime maneuvers that I put off. Little simple shit like going to see Spiderman, or getting a new CD player for my car, or updating my resume gets put to the side for no good reason. I really need to work on this. Cuz at 6 in the morning, when its quiet and nothing's on TV, I think about this stuff and get frustrated with my own self and then you have to read my whiny posts.

I don't have the answer to this problem yet. I just know that I'm getting restless. I don't want to spend Friday nights alone watching DVD's or surfing the internet all the time. I want to get out every once in a while and meet new people, or reconnect with old people. I'd like to be the one to initiate an interaction every once in a while. I guess I just have to do it. Like I said in the preface, I need to get over it. Nothing left to do now, but to do it. Wish me luck! Or better yet, wish me a fine, bold Gabrielle Union look-alike that won't take no for an answer. I bet I'll get out of the house then. Anyway, have a wonderful weekend, and I'll get at cha next week.