Thursday, July 31, 2008

Thursday Thirteen: Movies I Can Watch Over (and over) Again

Today's Thursday Thirteen topic is :Movies I Can Watch Over (and over) Again. These are not necessarily my favorite movies, but ones that I will watch repeatedly. They are in no particular order, but you'll see that halfway down the list it gets all alphabetical. That's because I was looking at my Netflix 5 star movie ratings so I didn't forget anything. Turns out, I didn't need any help. I got way more than 13.

1 Pulp Fiction My favorite movie. This joint is just sick.

2. Fight Club I fought watching this for years because I wasn't interested in a movie just about dudes punching each other. The movie is so much more and has a crazy plot twist that I wont spoil in case someone hasn't seen it.

3. Friday I watched this movie so many times when I was still a weed smoker. I pretty much can recite this movie.

4. Belly The coolest looking movie ever. Hype Williams was my favorite video director and this movie is like a video turned movie.

5. Happy Gilmore Whenever I feel like a light and silly movie, this is one of my favs.

6. Scarface - I actually haven't seen it in a few years. Mostly because every Black man under the age of 43 likes this movie. LOL Still one of the classics.

7. Mo Betta Blues - Another great stylish looking movie. My favorite Spike Lee joint. It has all his trademarks in it.

8. Arsenic and Old Lace Classic comedy from the 40's I think. My favorite line. "There are thirteen bodies in the cellar" Regardless of how macabre that sounds, this is just a slapstick comedy perfectly done.

9. The 40 Year Old Virgin - I swear I saw at least 10 minutes of this movie everyday for 3 months when it was on HBO (and the litany of HBO channels)

10. The Killer - This is a cool movie. Choreographed gun fights. Slow motion shootings. Doves flying out of nowhere. Get the dubbed version for the awkward, but still somehow compelling dialogue. Also featured in one of my favorite albums: Raekwon's Only Built 4 Cuban Linx.

11. From Dusk Till Dawn - Another Tarantino joint, although he didn't direct this one, just wrote it. Good mindless entertainment with some good acting by Harvey Keitel and George Clooney.

12. Purple Rain - Prince. I don't really need to say anything else, but to see my views on this movie, check this old post from a coupla years ago

13. Fear of a Black Hat - A mockumentary about hip hop that is 1 million times funnier than CB4. Not many people I know have seen this one. Me and my brother and sister used to crack up at this one. Got it from the video store one day when nothing else was out and wound up loving this movie.

Part 2 - cuz I couldn't narrow it down to just 13. Here are 13 more movies...

14. Kill Bill - QT, again. The fight scenes are ridiculously entertaining. The story is good too.

15. The Matrix - Everybody has seen this, right? Started all kinds of trends in film making. I don't usually go for science fiction type joints, but this one got me.

16. Rocky III - Man, everytime I see this, I still root for Mr. T to beat Rocky. Me and Kareem used to crack up at this movie. My favorite quote from Mr. T: "Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man." (fast forward to 1:30)

17. Raw - Mad funny, yo! Its like 25 years old and still funnier than any other comedy movie. Plus that whole "It Wasn't Me" thing? I'm laughing just thinking about it.

18. Se7en - I love movies about serial killers. I know that sounds weird, but I do. I like to see the new ways to kill people. I have a list myself... for fiction purposes only, of course. This was one of the best. Plus the atmosphere of the movie was just dope.

19. Shaft - The original, not that Samuel Jackson remake crap. Shaft was a bad mutha...(shut yo mouth)

20 Silence of the Lambs - Classic, right here. Love the Hannibal Lecter performance and the dynamic between the lead characters. I'll watch this pretty much anytime I see it on TV.

21. South Park Bigger Longer Uncut - Hilarity personified! Its crude, profane and politically incorrect, but I kinda love this movie. Blame Canada!!!

22 Tommy Boy - Kinda like Happy Gilmore, its just a dumb, funny movie.

23. A View To A Kill - My favorite James Bond movie. I've seen them all but I think this was the first one I saw in the theaters so therefore its my favorite.

24. Foxy Brown - Blaxploitation? yep! Sexploitation? indeed! Pam Grier naked for most of the movie? I'm there! LOL

25. Amelie - A French movie about a woman who makes it her mission in life to make other people happy and then finds love herself. Its not corny as it sounds. It's quirky, strange and just heartwarming. Don't tell anybody I said that. LOL

26. Love Jones - Another movie I can probably recite. Everything about this movie I like. The music, the actors, the fact that they looked like regular old Black people that I could hang out with, even the *gasp* poetry. I do kinda hate this movie for inspiring legions of horrible wannabe spoken word artists, but taking the film on its merits, I'm still a fan.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Do You?

Do you think God cares who wins the Super Bowl? Does he let the team with the least heathens come out victorious?

Do you not realize that my last post was out of this world brilliant? Why only 11 comments in 2 days?

Do you think that "Do you" is one of the most overused phrases now a days?

Do you ever have moments when life is beating you up, then you go to church and get inspired and then everything is alright?

Do you ever have moments when life is beating you up, then you go to church and get inspired and then everything is alright, and then you forget those blessings and wind up back in the same place?

Do you worry about gas prices or do you just get the gas cuz you know you need it anyway?

Do you allow other people to change your mind for you even after you made it up?

Do you know that African chicks dig me for some reason?

Do you cringe when you hear people talking ignorantly. For example, if someone continuously says up most, instead of utmost do you say anything or just let it ride.

Do you think its weird that I only eat once, maybe twice a day?

Do you got $5 i can hold?

Do you realize I have to wake up at 8, so I'm gonna stop writing random "do you" questions now and go to sleep?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Delusion World

Welcome to Delusion World!!! Your number 1 vacation destination for those that like to lie to themselves. My name is Rashan Jamal and I'm your host for today's tour. Is real life not good enough for you? Do you want to fool yourself into thinking things are better than they are? Then come to Delusion World! Our resort features luxury suites for almost every delusion you can think of. Here are several of our delusion themed rooms.

I'm Gonna Make It In The Music Business!

Popular with the 30 something crowd. This room is designed for people that want to live their dreams of being a star, but have no actual talent. Typical clientele have their own record labels without any artists, or entertainment companies that get shouted out on low quality demo tapes, but never promote anything. This room is also for all the producers that don't have their own equipment, singers trying to relive their talent show win 10 years ago, and rappers that rhyme about drugs and guns but really have white collar jobs.

"He's Gonna Leave His Wife"

Perfect for all of the mistresses out there. You can even bring that married guy with you. Features of this suite include lots of Kleenex to wipe away your tears when he stands you up to be with his wife, earplugs for when your friends try to tell you that he's no good, and a untraceable cell phone so you can call the wife and hang up on her. Men, be sure to check out our "She's Gonna Leave That Dude" suite.

I'm Not Really A Smoker

The only smoking room in our resort. This room is for all them cats that smoke Black N Milds or Djarums and think its okay because they aren't cigarettes. Rooms are stocked with incense and gum and Egyptian musk oil to mask that familiar smoke smell. This suite is also perfect for that special weed head in your life.

She Don't Really Like Me

You know that girl that you keep around because you like the attention or you don't want to hurt her feelings? She's not really a stalker is she? Her declarations of love not withstanding, you can totally stay in this room with her without her trying any funny business. Amenities include separate beds, flannel pajamas, and the complete lack of anything that can put her in the mood. She gets too close to you? Push the red button on the night stand and a noxious fume will kill the vibe instantly. She'll think the smell is coming from you, but its really ours!

I Am The Father

When you want to pretend that your wife is NOT sleeping with your best friend, check into this suite. You can play Nintendo Wii with those kids that may or may not be yours, while she spends your child support money on gifts for that other guy. Special mirrors in the room make that kid actually look like you. DNA kits are also available, but we've yet to have any requests.

I'm Super Sexxxy

Our slimming mirrors and on site make up consultant can make you look as good as you think you do. We also have a closet full of clothes which are too tight or too loose (depending on your size) and preserve your sexy. A highly skilled group of staff sycophants will tell you exactly what you want to hear. "No, those jeans don't make you look fat." "Whoever told you that you look like Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask, was just joking." "I'd totally do you if I wasn't gay!" These are just a few of the delusion feeding amenities of this suite.

That Rash Will Go Away On Its Own

A completely sterile environment, this suite features all sorts of distractions to make you forget that rash, burning sensation, or lesion. You won't even entertain the possibility that you have an STD in this room. Check out our WebMd manuals for alternate explanations. Even better, our minibar is stocked with Old Wives Tale Home Remedies. Who needs a doctor when you have us?

You Say She's Just A Friend

You want to trust his female friend. You don't want to believe everybody that tells you to watch out for that trick. So what do you do? Get this suite featuring adjoining rooms and bring her on vacation with you guys. You can get to know her and maybe even befriend her on this trip. Use our suggested passive aggressive hints that she needs to back off, conveniently located under the Gideon Bible. Make her listen to you and your man's "sexy time" through our patented extra thin walls. Before you know it, she'll lose all interest in your man.

He Actually Wants To Get Married

That man really wants to marry you. He's just scared. This room can help you help him get over that fear. Our TVs only show Bridezilla, or Wedding Story. In conjunction with the bridal magazines strategically placed in this suite, your man will have no choice but to get in the matrimonial spirit. Before you leave, you'll have that promise to get engaged... one day in the future...when he gets his money right...and he can see himself sleeping only with one woman for the rest of his life...etc, etc, etc.

See what I mean? Here at Delusion World we have just what you need to keep on lying to yourself. Our resort is always packed with self deluders and megalomaniacs, so plan your trip now! What do we charge for our services? Whatever you believe it costs, that's what it costs. So call us at 1 800 Delusion or check us out on the Web at

Delusion World - When the truth is just not good enough for you.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

I'll Sleep When You're Dead

I'm just typing out thoughts. Totally random. I was told that if you look up random in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me. Hopefully, I'm giving the "bathe her and bring her to me" (face #2) look. LOL

Nights like this I wonder what's wrong with me. I mean, I'm used to staying up late. But then we have nights like this when I just don't fall asleep at all. Want to, but I can't bring myself to do so. I stayed up til..well I'm still up at 9:00 in the morning. I was keeping Jameil company at work, but she left me like 3 hours ago. You would think I would take this opportunity to catch up on the sleep I've been missing all week, but nope. I'm up...for no reason.

I just been downloading music all night. Dont tell the industry people, but so far I've gotten 14 entire albums this morning. Don't know when I'm gonna listen to all these, but I got them. I've listened to a few so far. Pretty sure my neighbors hate me for bumping the N.E.R.D all loud at 0 dark thirty, but you know what?: it is what is. I can't sleep, so why should they? I'm kidding, sorta. For the most part the volume was at a manageable decible, but I may have cranked up Sooner or Later and geeked out at the guitar at the end 6-7 times around 4 AM. But other than that, I've been respectful. I probably could have blogged, or read a bo... LOL I can't even finish that. I don't read. I know that is not something that most intelligent people say, but I don't. Hell, I barely read your blogs. I just be skimming til I find something that I can comment on. I'm kidding again, but you all know there are bloggers that do that mess. I need them to cut that out. Them cats that got like 196 bloggers on their blog rolls? You know they are NOT really reading your posts, right? First of all, I don't care how unemployed you are, who has time to follow that many people? And then look at their comments. You talking about apples, they commenting about papayas or something. Is it so important to be popular that you have to post nonsensical comments on everybody's blog and add them all to your blog roll?

I guess its not for me, because I've never been the popular type. I mean at work and for awhile on blogger, I was that popular dude, but for the most part, popularity escapes me. I don't have the tolerance to be dealing with that many people. Especially when popularity depends on being nice to people. Yeah, I'm not a nice person. I mean, I am nice sometimes, but I'm also a big jerk!!! You should hear some of the stuff that I say or read some of the emails I sent to Jameil tonight. It's just ridiculous sometimes how much I make fun of people. But it's fun and I can make fun of myself too, so hopefully God gives me a pass on Judgement Day. I can see it now "Come on, Lord and Savior, you know that stuff was funny. Let me in!!! Quit Playing, Jehovah! You made me this way!!!"

Okay, so maybe I'm not tired, but my brain is. I start talking and thinking crazy when I'm sleepy. I'm pretty sure I was hallucinating the other night while I was fighting sleep. I had a myriad of strange images pop up in front of my face. I can't remember them all, but it involved Nelson Mandela, an afro and a purple leather jacket like Eddie Murphy wore in Raw. Yeah, it doesnt make sense to me either. Lucky for me, I embrace being strange, cuz sometimes I am. I can already tell I'm gonna reread this after a few hours of sleep and not remember half the stuff I wrote. Its almost like being drunk, but I didn't partake at all. Still got that bottle of Patron though. Maybe I'll get on that tonight.

Wanna know one of my pet peeves? People that say I don't tell them anything and then when I try, they start talking. I had a conversation that went something like this at work.

Me: Guess what? I'm dating someone.
Her: Really? You?
Me: Yeah, when I was outta town last week, I was meeting her.
Her: We are going out of town Labor Day.
Me: ....

That's all the time I get to talk? I get 2 lines? Don't ever, ever, ever complain about me not telling you stuff again in your life. This is the same friend that for some reason thinks I'm a pimp, despite the fact that I'm always 3rd wheel when we go out and have never brought any woman around. I love you like an annoying step-sister, but you don't really know me at all, do you? That just furthers my resolve to keep stuff to myself. Well, myself and my blog, cuz you know I can't stop talking on here. That would make for a pretty boring blog if I didn't write about anything remotely personal.

Wait... this rapper Chaundon just said. "We never got next, cuz we alway got now/forever connected like Al B's eyebrow. Sorry, that may not excite anybody else, but that was a hot line. I love hip hop. I love the beats and word play. I actually like a Nas album too. The last few joints I've had to talk myself into liking, but I heard his joint tonight and I really dig it. I still call it Nigger. I don't care if he changed the title. It's still Nigger to me. I wonder how many people are gonna google the word Nigger and find my blog. Hi, dirty racists! Welcome to Beats, Rhymes and Life. I hate y'all punk asses, dirty racist bastards. Now, kindly click the X at the top of the page and go back to planning the Republican convention and watching The O Re.illy Fa.ctor. Everybody say goodbye to the racists... "Bye Racists!!! I'll Holla!!!"

Okay, on that incredibly odd note, I know that I need to stop typing and lay my butt down somewhere. I'm looking forward to my requisite Saturday afternoon phone session, so I should probably try to get a few z's before that. I'll get at you all later. One!

Thursday, July 24, 2008

I Confess

Check it out, yo! I got a confession to make. I know, you probably wont believe this cuz I be lying all the time, but I swear to you it's true. I can see you right now looking at your computers with skepticism. What outlandish tall tale is Rashan gonna tell now? What can he say now to get us all emotionally involved only to pull the rug out from under us at the last minute? Why he be making stuff up all the time? I understand if that's your reaction. But I'm gonna tell you anyway. You may not believe me, and I am aware that I've cried wolf far too many times to get upset if you doubt my veracity. But here goes my confession: Last Wednesday, I traveled 5.5 hours to hang out with a woman I met on the internet.

I know what you are thinking. Rashan + Woman from internet = Crazy, dramatic story time. But I have to tell you that it's nothing like that at all. I know my history, and my self professed theory that everyone on the internet is crazy. I know, I've repeated that so many times that it's like a mantra. Post about your blog crush; I'll say "everybody on the internet is crazy." Ask me about what I think about the latest hot blogger chick; my reply "everybody on the internet is crazy." Try to get me to come hang out with you; my inner thought: "Uhhh, no. Everybody on the internet is crazy." But this situation is different.

I've been talking to her for a while now. What started on the internet has moved past that. Marathon phone calls, forgoing sleep to talk to her, it just was all so " Love Af.fair" you know, if Alicia was mad old and never met the person she was singing about. Anyway, the opportunity arose to meet in person, and I jumped at it. She lives up North, so we planned to meet halfway in Hillsville, Virginia, home of the .19 % Negroid population. It's a little town in the middle of nowhere, but they had hotels and restaurants and it was perfectly halfway in driving length according to M.apqu.est: Like 5 hours and 30 minutes. We met on Wednesday, July 16th!! (always has to have 2 exclamation points following it.)

You still with me? Think I'm making it up? I promise this is the truth... Let's continue. So, we arrived within 10 minutes of each other and gave each other a big hug. I have to admit, it was a little weird at first. I mean, hanging with someone that you've been talking to for awhile, but never interacted with in the flesh is enough to weird you out. I tried my best to hide my uneasiness so as to not make her any more uneasy. Eventually, we got past any uncomfortableness we may have been feeling and settled down and had a good time. We pretty much just hung out and watched TV and talked and enjoyed each other's company. She made me watch Pro.ject Ru.nway, which was bearable because I was drinking beer. It's like the beer canceled out the ghey qualities of the show. LOL. We also watched Ru.n's Ho.use, where my new favorite phrase was coined: Boneless Chicken Dinner. It's an egg. LOL Okay, I digress but that should prove that I'm telling you the truth. Who makes up that level of detail for a lie?

There wasn't much to do in Hillsville. We discussed going to a nearby winery or drive in movie, but didn't. Besides, it was more a trip to get to know each other in person. The second day we had Mexican and Margaritas. I brought a bottle of Patron, but we never got around to drinking it. I'm gonna take my confession one step further. I'm in like. I really like this woman. Perhaps, I should pretend that I don't, but you know, whatever! She knows and now you know. Stop shaking your head at me. I swear this is all true. I didn't make any of this up. No embellishment...

Oh, I get it. You need visual proof, right? Maybe a few pictures or something? Okay, well check this out. Click this link and you will see that I am not joking. Go ahead, I'll wait... So, right now either you are clicking the link or saying to yourself, "Rashan is trying to trick me. I'm not gonna click the link." Again, I promise it's real.

You back? Good. So now you know I was telling the truth...and yes, that is who you think it is!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The Epidemic

Ladies, I don’t want to be that dude. The one that tells you how to be a better woman, but I have to this time. There’s an epidemic spreading that needs to be nipped in the bud before it gets out of control. Maybe I’m too late. Maybe the situation is already too untenable to be managed. I don’t know. But I do know that I in good conscience cannot sit idly by and watch you continue to do this to yourselves and our community. It’s just really, really unacceptable.

You pride yourselves on your appearance. I mean, you are some of the most stylish people on the planet. You come to work immaculate, or as Al .Re.yn.olds would say…“clea.ner than the boa.rd of he.alth.” Fresh to death in your stilettos, and tight skirts, with the tops displaying just the right amount of cleavage. You keep your hair done in the latest fashions, accessorized to the nines. Physically, you are what every man dreams about and lusts for. To have a woman like you on his arm would every man’s fantasy.

So, what’s the problem? Behind this physical attractiveness lies a huge problem. I really don’t want to be the one to tell you this, but I feel that it’s my duty. As fine as you are, you cannot expect to keep a man if you don’t stop doing this. No man, in his right mind, will claim you as his woman as long as you keep up this behavior. If you want to know why you don’t have a man, as fine as you are, allow me to enlighten you. Ladies, here’s the problem…

STOP SPITTING!!!! That is some gross ish right there. How you gonna just be all fresh, but then spit on the sidewalk? Cut that mess out. It’s bad enough when a man does it, but it is so unladylike. You may be thinking, “Oh Rashan is just the only one that cares”, but no, it’s not just me. I was talking to my homeboy the other day. He was clocking this tall, mahogany honey. Just as he was about to approach, she hawked one back and let it loose on the concrete. Dude was disgusted, as was I. That just ain’t cool. I mean who wants to romance a woman that is reminiscent of a baseball player with some chew. Nasty!!! Please, ladies. I need you to stop with the spitting. Come on, if you won’t do it for yourselves, then please do it for me!!! Please!!!!

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by the good folks at Beats, Rhymes and Life…

PS – If you are a spitter, please don’t tell me in the comments. I don’t wanna taint my image of you. Just stop with the spitting please!!! LOL

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Rashan Talks To Inanimate Objects

And now another episode of Rashan Talks To Inanimate Objects... presented with limited commercial interruptions by Charter Hospital...If you don't get help at Charter, please get help somewhere.

Word, job? You sure you wanna do this? I mean, I’m not complaining about the new relaxed dress code. This should help me get to work earlier. I sure don’t feel like ironing every morning. I don’t mind wearing jeans to work. And I wont be rocking sneakers or Timbs in accordance with your new dress code, but are you sure? You know where we live right? This is Atlanta . You can’t really give people an inch, cuz they will take a mile. Have you seen the way these ladies dress on casual days? Heck, even on regular days they push the envelope, but you are really gonna give them free reign? Don’t say I didn’t tell you so, when our building starts looking like Friday night at Esso. Wait, it already looks like that some days. When it starts looking like Roosters, then you gonna see I was right. But again.. Not a complaint. Just wanna make sure you know what you are doing.

Time, what are you doing? Why are you going so slowly? You gonna make these 3 weeks seem like 3 weeks? Can’t you just speed along like you do when I’m having fun instead of being torturous, maddening and mad long? Come on, do it for me!!!

Traffic, I’m a need you to not do what you are doing right now. I just wanted a 6 piece Chick Fil A nugget joint. Its 3 minutes to get there, 3 minutes to get back. Why am I sitting in you, stupid traffic! This ain’t even the highway. I’m gonna really spend ¾ of my lunch hour messing with you. Now you gonna just block my shortcut back to the office.? I’m bout to get out and walk. Wait a minute, I’m a liar. It’s 97 degrees out here. That’s another thing. You got me burning that AC which means gas which means money. Again, I just wanted some nuggets, yo! Give me my free, traffic. GIVE ME FREE!!!

Hey Patron Bottle. I'm sorry I left you in the trunk for 4 days. I hope you still taste good. I mean, you are unopened and wrapped up in a jacket, but I hope the extreme heat hasn't messed with you. You cost $46 so I'm gonna drink you no matter what, but I hope you still taste right. My bad, shawty!

Hey, poetry. Do me a favor and stop being all poetic. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. I ain't got time to be figuring out hidden meanings and symbolic phrases. By the way.. winter as a metaphor for death...its been done to winter, nah mean?

What's the deal, car? I never did give you a name. Didn't imagine you'd stick around as long as you have. I appreciate the longevity. You did good last week. We got 3 more trips to go in the foreseeable future, so just make sure you stay up. I'll do my part feeding you gas and oil, and making sure there's air in the tires. You in turn, don't come up with some obscure problem that I couldn't anticipate in a million years. You know how you and the rest of my cars have done. None of that this time, we got business to tend to.

Chalazion. Good looking out on finally going away. I was getting mad tired of that bump over my left eye. Although I could have done with out the oils seeping into my eye and making me feel like I was crying, I understand you did what you had to do. But for real. Remember a couple of years ago, when I told you not to come back. I even stopped wearing my contacts for 6 months at a time without cleaning or changing them. But you came back anyway. Jerk!!! Can you make this the last time please?

Sunglasses. I don't understand you. What makes you so cool? Why everybody wanna have some of you. Why people wear you at the club, especially the real dark ones? Why women have the real big ones that cover 1/2 their faces? Do you think you look good like that? I don't quite get it. Perhaps, I'm just hating cuz you don't look right on me, but I just don't get your appeal. Stupid shades!

Okay that's enough talking to things that can't talk back to me. I'm out!

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Rashan's Dating Resume

A Tongue In Cheek Dating Resume

123 Evergreen Circle
Atlanta Georgia 30302
Phone 678 592 XXXX


To obtain a meaningful relationship with the right woman. Preferably someone with a big booty, nice lips and conversational skills.

Proficient in the art of monogamy. Highly skilled in laughter providing. Always remember birthdays and anniversaries. 33 years domestic violence free. Opens car doors, holds doors open, and respectful to parental units. Currently gaining "Just Because" gift certification.

Employer - Dedra W.
Position - First Boyfriend
Duties - Duties included meeting in the chorus room after 3rd period. Getting phone number but being too scared to call her. Not knowing what to do with a girlfriend.
Reason for Leaving: Position was entry level and temporary. Mutually agreed to seek other opportunities.

Employer - Shaylinda J.
Position - High School Sweetheart
Duties - Duties included helping her mother find new clientele for her weed business. Stolen moments at the high school football games. Escorting to Junior prom in a tuxedo with a hideous purple bow tie and cummerbund to match her equally hideous purple dress.
Reason for Leaving: Position lived across town and neither one of us had a car. Plus, going to different schools put a strain on the relationship as did her mother's arrest on drug charges.

Employer - Brandy L
Position - High School to College Bridge Operator
Duties - Letting her say that she was dating a senior while she was a freshman. Borrowing my mom's Ford Tempo to hang out with her at her mama's crib. Indulging her crazy sayings and personality quirks.
Reason for Leaving - Started attending college classes at Savannah State which fueled her (unfounded at the time) insecurities about hot co-eds.

1994 -1997
Employer - Lisa T.
Position - First Love/Long Term Boyfriend
Duties - Duties included seeing at least 6 days out the week. Picking up and taking home from classes. Standing Friday night date of dinner and a movie, followed by hanging out at her room in her sister's house. Patiently waiting for sexual activity. Constant companionship. Forging good relationships with her family. Introducing to mom and grandma. Successfully balancing quality time with her and my friends.
Reasons for Leaving: Mutually agreed to part ways a few months after College graduation, but remain friends, which was the strongest part of our relationship. No animosity or ill will exists.

1998 -
Employer - Veronica H.
Position - What the hell was I thinking?/Stalkee
Duties - Getting stalked. Liking the attention so much that I looked past the glaring signs that she was crazy. Protected her daughter from vicious ass-beatings (I was the only one she listened to and that was only sometimes.) Never going out in public. Refusing to marry her even though she asked me multiple times. Refusing to lie and say I loved her. Confusing all my friends by staying with her for 6 months even though it was clear I didn't even like her. Did I mention getting stalked?
Reason for leaving - I know I'm supposed to be positive on my resume, but I can't muster up anything except...THIS CHICK IS NUTS!!! I GOT EMAILS TO PROVE IT!!! Who tries to put roots on their exes? Who threatens to kill themselves because they got dumped. 10 Years of ignoring and being mean to her and she still sends me messages on MySpace.

Employer - Nicole T.
Position - Live in Booty
Duties - Moving in together after 6 days of dating. Running off all my female friends for her. Committing white collar crime together (allegedly) Moving to Atlanta with her after alleged white collar crime blew up in my face. Falling in love with her. Living together for 2 years. Remaining non violent when she confessed her infidelity.
Reason for leaving: She decided to fill my position with a new employee.

2001 - 2003
Employer - Free lance
Position - Manwhore/Hermit
Duties - Not caring about them hoes. Not loving them hoes. Not being bothered with them hoes.
Reason for leaving - Got back to being the real me, the serial monogamist

Employer - Tweety B.
Position - Long Distance Relationship Guy
Duties - Making 3 hours drive bi monthly to see her. Long phone conversations when we weren't in person. Managing not to snap when she questioned me all the time. Not changing when she wanted me to. Fought through incompatibility to remain warm and friendly.
Reason for leaving: Realized on the eve of our one year anniversary that there was no marriage potential due to our great incompatibility and decided to end it before any more time was wasted.

2004 - Present
Employer - Freelance
Position - Picky Guy/Fun Haver/Wrong woman chooser
Duties - Trying new things such as dating just to date, meeting people in non traditional ways and not being so serious all the time. Meeting people and quickly dismissing them for a myriad of reasons. Forming intense relationships that never go past the friendship phase. Helping a series of married woman to realize that they should stay with their husbands. Just hanging out and keeping it light until I find Miss Right.
Reason for Leaving - Want to be prepared if /when Miss Right will have me.

References Provided Upon Request.

Friday, July 18, 2008


Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I was gonna be incognegro for a couple of days. When I was on IM, I was infamous for doing that all the time. I would just leave mid conversation and then like 12 hours later, remember that I didn't even tell anybody I was gone. No BRB. No Hold Up. Just disappearing in to the ether and then coming back like no one would even notice. This time it was intentional, but, I'm back now. I'll give you all the sordid details later, but suffice it to say I had a good couple of days, and wish it could have lasted longer. But for now, I'm back... Did you miss me? Any answer other than the affirmative will be considered a personal affront and punishable by me bringing down my considerate blog wrath upon you. LOL. Going to take a nap now, and then check out all your blogs later this evening. Hope your week was good! Mine sure was!!! One!

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Thursday Thirteen: Old School Rappers

As you already know by now, I am a hip hop head. Been that way since 1983. Don't ask me that question from Brown Sugar, or we'll be here all night. I got stories of how I fell in love with hip-hop. For the most part, I still got love for hip hop, but its getting increasingly hard to find some that I actually like. I don't wanna say that hip hop is dead, because there's always been bad music that was popular. I can't blame Soulja Boy for killing it, because there were always jokers that I felt should never pick up the mic. For Thursday Thirteen, I'm gonna show some appreciation to some of the cats I used to rock with, and others that were put on my sucker list. Some of the people I didn't like may surprise you, so stick around. For the most part, I've gained an appreciation of what role they played in my upbringing, so I don't hate like I used to. Anyway, without further adieu, here are my 2 Thursday Thirteen lists: The Old School Rapper edition...

13 Artists I Used To (And Still) Dig:

1. Big Daddy Kane
2. Eric B. and Rakim
3. GangStarr
4. Public Enemy
5. Boogie Down Productions
7. NWA
8. Pete Rock and CL Smooth
9. Tribe Called Quest
10. MC Lyte
11. LL Cool J
12. Special Ed
13. De La Soul

13 Artists That I Did Not (But Might Now) Dig

1. MC Hammer
2. Vanilla Ice
3. Run DMC
4. Too Short
5. 2 Live Crew
6. Beastie Boys
7. Easy E
8. Roxanne (any of them)
9. Kool Moe Dee
10. Rico Suave
11. Marky Mark
12. Kool Keith (Ultramagnetic MC's)
13. Any R&B cat that tried to rap

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Other Half Of The Story...

So yesterday, I asked you to finish the story. Had some good guesses, but here is what really happened.

Story One:

I'm in 7th grade at DeRenne Middle School. I was a recent transplant from New York, and didn't really get on too well with the kids at my school. A bit of a nerd, but thought I was the bee's knees cuz I came from up top. One day, I'm riding on the school bus on the way home and this lil skinny kid that I couldn't stand named James Jackson started messing with me. He was talking mad trash talking about how I thought I was better than the rest of them cuz I was from New York. The words meant nothing to me. I was listening to my walkman tuning him out because I knew he wouldn't dare touch me. Then he did it. He grabbed my New York Mets baseball cap off my head and ran to the back of the bus. I was heated. I couldn't believe this clown tried me like that. I... (finish the story for me)

So, I got up with fire in my eyes. I yelled at James. "Gimme my hat, yo! Quit Playing!!!" He said something about make him. So, I decided to do just that. I threw down my book bag and motioned to him like a taunting wrestler. I was gonna beat that skinny little punk down on the moving bus. Never mind the fact that I can't fight, I wouldn't have needed any skills, just my superior size. The only problem was... I tripped over the cord to my earphones and did a face plant right in the aisle. How embarrassing!!! Everybody started laughing, and James stood over me and tossed my Mets hat down on me. I was the butt of jokes for about a week, until Samuel peed his pants at school and replaced me as the school whipping boy.

Story Two:

Freaknik 98. Freaknik has lost all its luster pretty much, but there are still loads of beautiful Black people that gathered in Atlanta not knowing that the city has decided to shut down most of the festivities and crack down on our unruly behavior. I'm rolling with Kareem and Tori in Downtown Atlanta. I wanna say we were on Peachtree St. We were high..and maybe drunk, and we are riding in my Tercel blasting some east coast hip hop that is getting drowned out by the boomin' systems of the dudes in the Jeeps, the lex coupes, beemers and the benz (for all my ladies and my mens - I used to love this song.) Anyway, Tori gets the attention of some ladies from Maryland (at least that's where their car tags said they were from.) They tempt him to get out the car and talk to them. That was pretty much a no no with the Atlanta Police Department. They made it clear that they didn't want people getting out their cars. I told Tori not to get out, but he did anyway. He's dancing in the street for the ladies and the next thing you know the cops roll up and handcuff him. I had to decide what to do next. I... (finish the story for me.)

Kareem tried to get me to pull over to at least figure out what jail Tori was being taken to. I refused. I told that clown to stay in the car, and it ain't my fault he got knocked. Besides, traffic wasn't moving and I couldn't pull over if i wanted to. Traffic crawled until finally I was able to bust a left out of the jam and onto a slightly less congested road. Kareem pontificated about bail money, but I didn't even consider it. Ain't no way I was bailing them jokers out of jail again. I told them that the first and only time I did that. "He just gonna have to call his mama." Next thing I know, Tori walks up to the car and hits the roof. We let him in and rolled off. Apparently the cops didn't really intend to arrest him, they were just making a show out of it. He was pretty heated at me for just rolling away, but guess who didn't care? Me, that's who!!!

Story 3:

Myo.. you can't answer this one. LOL. I'm working as a manager in a bank call center. I'm kinda a big deal. LOL But for real, the chicks at the job used to love them some Rashan. I don't know if it was really me, or if it was the perceived power they thought I had, but there was always someone trying to get at me. If I was a man of lesser morals, like my man D, I could have cleaned up in that place. Anyway, back to the story... I'm interviewing this woman and throughout the interview she's giving me the come hither look. I hired her. Not because of the look, but because she answered the questions correctly. Stop looking at me like that. There were 2 of us doing the interview, so it wasn't just my decision. Okay, so her first day at the job, she sees me and greets me with a hug. I had a strict no touching rule because I wasn't trying to get no harassment lawsuit or anything, but she caught me off guard. She was pretty, but had a shifty look about her. Throughout the day, she came to my desk quite often, flirting with me, looking at me like she wanted something I couldn't provide at work. Toward the end of the day, she told me that she was having a birthday party at a club and asked if I wanted to go. Now, I was the cool manager that wasn't above hanging with my reps on occasion, and she was pretty fly, and I wasn't dating anybody, so...(Finish this story for me...)

Yeah, right. I didn't go anywhere with that girl. I politely declined her invitation citing management - employee relations rules. She said "What if you just show up at the club? Nobody will know you came for me. It would just be a coincidence." Nah, I'll still pass. She came back later and asked me again, but I still wasn't trying to hear it. In the coming weeks, she kept up her flirtatiousness, but I wasn't biting. There was just something shiesty about her. Come to find out, the baby daddy she would reference was actually her husband. And I'm pretty sure that she was having relations with this other dude at the job. Better him than me.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I'll Tell You Half The Story, The Rest You Fill It In

long as the villain win/I spend Japan yen at 10 major events... Fast forward to 1:55 if you wanna hear the line. Yep, another Jay-Z lyric as the title..

I'm just gonna tell you half the story. You fill in the ending in the comments. Let's see how well you know me.

Story One...

I'm in 7th grade at DeRenne Middle School. I was a recent transplant from New York, and didn't really get on too well with the kids at my school. A bit of a nerd, but thought I was the bee's knees cuz I came from up top. One day, I'm riding on the school bus on the way home and this lil skinny kid that I couldn't stand named James Jackson started messing with me. He was talking mad trash talking about how I thought I was better than the rest of them cuz I was from New York. The words meant nothing to me. I was listening to my walkman tuning him out because I knew he wouldn't dare touch me. Then he did it. He grabbed my New York Mets baseball cap off my head and ran to the back of the bus. I was heated. I couldn't believe this clown tried me like that. I... (finish the story for me)

Story Two:

Freaknik 98. Freaknik has lost all its luster pretty much, but there are still loads of beautiful Black people that gathered in Atlanta not knowing that the city has decided to shut down most of the festivities and crack down on our unruly behavior. I'm rolling with Kareem and Tori in Downtown Atlanta. I wanna say we were on Peachtree St. We were high..and maybe drunk, and we are riding in my Tercel blasting some east coast hip hop that is getting drowned out by the boomin' systems of the dudes in the Jeeps, the lex coupes, beemers and the benz (for all my ladies and my mens - I used to love this song.) Anyway, Tori gets the attention of some ladies from Maryland (at least that's where their car tags said they were from.) They tempt him to get out the car and talk to them. That was pretty much a no no with the Atlanta Police Department. They made it clear that they didn't want people getting out their cars. I told Tori not to get out, but he did anyway. He's dancing in the street for the ladies and the next thing you know the cops roll up and handcuff him. I had to decide what to do next. I... (finish the story for me.)

Story 3:
Myo.. you can't answer this one. LOL. I'm working as a manager in a bank call center. I'm kinda a big deal. LOL But for real, the chicks at the job used to love them some Rashan. I don't know if it was really me, or if it was the perceived power they thought I had, but there was always someone trying to get at me. If I was a man of lesser morals, like my man D, I could have cleaned up in that place. Anyway, back to the story... I'm interviewing this woman and throughout the interview she's giving me the come hither look. I hired her. Not because of the look, but because she answered the questions correctly. Stop looking at me like that. There were 2 of us doing the interview, so it wasn't just my decision. Okay, so her first day at the job, she sees me and greets me with a hug. I had a strict no touching rule because I wasn't trying to get no harassment lawsuit or anything, but she caught me off guard. She was pretty, but had a shifty look about her. Throughout the day, she came to my desk quite often, flirting with me, looking at me like she wanted something I couldn't provide at work. Toward the end of the day, she told me that she was having a birthday party at a club and asked if I wanted to go. Now, I was the cool manager that wasn't above hanging with my reps on occasion, and she was pretty fly, and I wasn't dating anybody, so...(Finish this story for me...)

Monday, July 14, 2008

Please Don't Like Him

Please don't like him.. He's no item.. He don't wife em. He's hardly nice to em...

Yeah, so I had to switch up the lyrics a lil bit. I don't be one nighting anyone. Well, maybe once, but that was almost 15 years ago. But for real, I wish I could tell some people out there not to like me. I ain't the one for you. Honestly, I don't understand why some women react so strongly to me. Don't get me wrong. I know that I'm extremely good looking and that my sparkling personality is extremely attractive, but come on. There is no reason that I can determine that I should get stalked and fixated on so much. Lest you think this is an ego thing, just read some of my archives and you'll see that I get more than my share of unwanted attention. But why me?

I mean, I'm not the type that women typically go for. I'm not tall, there ain't no six next to feet in my height. I'm not muscular, bout the only thing that's diesel on me are my shoulders and powerful calves. I don't be flashing money. Hell, I got a little bit of change, enough just to get by. I don't have a new whip, my car is a teenager. So what does that leave? Maybe its my personality. Yeah, but I'm weird. I'm sarcastic, standoffish, difficult if you will. If you get on my nerves, I might say something mean to you. It's just the way it is. All that is not normally conducive to people liking you. But for me its the opposite. No matter how much I push people away, they keep coming back for me. I really don't get it.

That's not to say that I'm like that when I'm interested in someone. They get to know the real me. The one that is, dare I say, nice. The one that people label "sweet", which I just don't like for everybody to know. The one that knows how to control his jerkish tendencies. But I need to know, what is it about me that causes random people to like me so much? Do I be sprinkling crack on my blog? Do my conversations have extra addictive qualities? Is ignoring people and making jokes at their expense what's hot for the 08? I even told a woman that she was a stalker to her face, and she laughed it off. I just don't get it. Please don't like him if he doesn't like you back. It'll make things easier for both of us. Thanks in advance.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Your Kisses Taste Like Amaretto

^^^^^That's what you would tell me if you were here with me and my lips right now.^^^^^

Jameil hates disclaimers, but here's one anyway...Let me just warn you that this post is gonna be extremely stream of consciousness, cuz I have nothing really to write about, but I wanted to post anyway.

I've had entirely too much amaretto today. Not because it has made me drunk, but just because I had too much without getting drunk. You may ask why am I drinking amaretto anyway? Well, it was the only thing containing liquor in the house other than the bottle of Hennessy that Senita left in the freezer last week and the hand sanitizer. But I was not feeling the Hen tonight, plus I had no chaser. I've had this particular bottle of Amaretto over 7 months. In fact, I remember when I bought it. It was New Years Day, and I was going to hang out with some friends. I bought this bottle and a bottle of Bacardi Select. The Select got kilt, but the amaretto remained untouched so i took it home with me. That was also the last time I've been to a liquor store. Wait, no I got some beer for a cookout a couple of months ago, but that doesn't count cuz I wasn't buying it for me. I mean, seriously, do I look like the type to drink Budweiser? I'm not that old...although I could be considered an elder statesman, especially in the blog world. It's like all you bloggers are 24-28, and me at 33 I seem mad old. Magnolia Peach (everybody go to her blog and harrass her about posting more. LOL) made me feel old the other day when she was writing about being in 4th grade in 1993. Yo, I was in college in 93! Sophomore year to boot. That was the time when I was hanging out with Tori in the student center every day after class and before work. That was when I was just coming into my own with the ladies. I got my first little taste of women appreciating me for my crazy, crazy brain. That was cool. Back then I used to wear Hilfiger, Fubu and Karl Kani. True story, I was in a store today and I saw all three of those designers clothes. I was dying laughing. I started to buy some just cuz I know how much you all love my 10 year old yellow hoodie. You know I live to entertain you guys. I just realized that if you haven't been reading very long, you may not know what I'm talking about, so I'll link that old post. You have to read the comments though. People roasted me for that hoodie for like months on end. Utter hilarity! Before I went off on that (those) tangent(s) I was talking about the song.

The Sweetest Thing by Lauryn Hill... If you didn't know that's where I got the title from then I don't wanna be your friend. LOL I'm just kidding. I'll still be your friend cuz apparently that's what I do. Someone told me that I don't know how to cut people off. I don't necessarily agree, but the way I cut people off is a little different. I'll take all I can take and then just stop answering the phone. It's mad abrupt and usually people don't even know what they did to make me stop messing with them. This is mostly on a friendship level. When it comes to a dating/relationship level, I usually make the woman break up with me. Like just do everything I can to make her mad enough to leave, short of cheating. I'm so not a cheater. I did it one time in my life and felt like a total heel. That was over 10 years ago, so the statute of limitations is up on that one. I'm officially not a cheater anymore. Speaking of Cheaters...where do they find these people to be on the show. I could never act an ass on TV like that. I ain't signing no release for nothing. If I ever was there, my face would be mad pixilated. Wait, what was I supposed to be talking about? Oh that's right, The Sweetest Thing.

Say, sweet thang. Can I buy you a fish sammich? Man, I love that movie. Can anybody name that movie without clicking the link? He also says.. Listen, I was wandering. Can I ask you a question? Uh... was your father a meat burglar? Here's why I ask: because it looks like somebody stole two fine hams and shoved them down the back of your dress. Hilarious!!! I don't buy DVDs but I would watch that one over and over again. (Hey, you asked me that question last night. Add this movie to that list.) I just tangentized again. Yeah, I made that word up. I often make up words. It's okay cuz I have an English degree and I'm being ironic. I'm a highly qualified word maker upper. Don't try this at home. If people don't know that you know that your made up word isn't real then they may just think you are stupid. Speaking of stupid people, Jesse Jackson. Uggh, for real Jesse? You just gonna go on Fox News and talk about cutting off another mans 'nads? I can't stand you, Jesse. Why were you on that channel anyway, bruh?

Anyway, let me get back to the original point of the post. The Sweetest Thing. I like that line about a kiss on a collarbone. I could totally do that to someone right now. That song was on the Love Jones soundtrack. I remember when I first saw that movie. I was with my college girlfriend and we were the only people in the theater that liked it. The Savannah hood figures were talking about how boring it was. Did I mention that I hate Savannah? That mentality is part of the reason. I also wrote a review for LoveJones for my college paper. I need to see if I can find that. It's probably in my sun room/storage area. I did find 3 notebooks of old rap lyrics. Some of them were written in pencil, so I can barely read them. The others were written in pen, but my handwriting looks like I had a stroke, then got hit by a car, then I tried to write during a train ride during an earthquake. You get it? I have horrible penmanship. I've told this story before I think, but I'm naturally left handed. My 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Bierman, decided that she wanted me to write with my right hand. I guess they didn't have any left hand desks at the time. Anyway, long story short. I never quite got the hang of neat penmanship with my right hand, and I no longer can write with my left hand. I do just about every thing else with my left hand, including holding the phone. I can't hold the phone to my right ear. It just feels wrong. Same thing with taking pictures of myself which I do daily now. Camera is always in my left hand. My left arm is exponentially stronger than my right arm. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a lame arm like dude from the Two Live Crew, but I can tell the difference. Dang it, I just strayed again..

What was I gonna say about "The Sweetest Thing?" Oh yeah, I like that song. The End!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Lemme Tell You What I'm NOT Gonna Do - Pt 2 of ???

Yeaaaahhh, Lemme tell you what I'm NOT gonna do... I did this one before, but I wanna do it again, so deal with it. LOL

Yo, I'm not gonna be your do boy and go to get you sodas and chips and chicken wings?!?!? Dog, who begs for chicken wings?

I'm not gonna hang out with you for awhile. I need my alone time, or my phone time, or my not being with you and your drama time. Sorry, if that puts a crimp in your plans.

I'm so not having secks with you. I don't care if you make it seem like a business proposal. You already call me enough, I'm not trying to increase that to too much.

I'm not gonna accept you as a MySpace friend so I can see your kids. Yeah, I don't care about your kids. I don't know them. I really don't know you anymore. It's been a good long time since I've seen you and even longer since I wanted to. What will it take for you to leave me alone? Ignoring isn't working. Being mean didn't work. You having kids didn't stop it. Telling you to leave me alone, didn't accomplish anything. For real, cut that mess out.

I'm not gonna argue with you over something I know is true. Yeah, I like to be right, but if you don't beleive it, its no skin off my nose. Believe what you will, yo!

I'm not gonna front like I am not mad excited for next week. Maybe I should, but I'm not gonna.

I'm not gonna forget Casablanca and Patron.

I'm not gonna stop being cryptic, even if I sound like La? For real, what was that post about? LOL

I'm not gonna respond the way you want me to. It's not in me. If I feel the slightest twinge of manipulation, I'm gonna switch it on you. Don't feel bad. It's happened before you, it will happen after you.

I'm not gonna be motivated by your wack emails. Say it with me...Rashan (Rashan) Doesn't Do (Doesn't Do) Inspiration (Inspiration).

I'm not gonna go to work next Wednesday!!!

I'm not gonna leave my car in the parking deck after dark anymore. It was raining yesterday, so I didn't move my car at lunch like I usually do. Why did I run smack dab into 2 silver foxes chillin' by the entrance. No rabies, please!

I'm not gonna be an active participant in your conversation. Guess what? I have a secret for you... Come Closer *whispering* I don't care!

I'm not gonna admit that I like that Lookin Boy song. I think I just did though.

I'm not gonna stop being weird so you should just get used to it. I got 33 years of practice. It's not gonna change.

What aren't you gonna do?

Thursday, July 10, 2008


I was still wet behind the ears when I met her. Young dumb and full..well, you know. Let's just say that I was smelling myself. I saw her getting her groove on, cutting a rug with some thugged out looking brother. He gave the image of being a real tough cookie, but in reality, he was soft as a baby's bottom. Who me? I was with my guys. My brothers from another mother Kareem and Tori. It was a Friday night and I just got paid. I was sharp as a tack in my Girbaud jean shorts and brightly colored Hilfiger shirt. I was feeling cool as a fan. I'm not telling a tall tale when I say that time stood still for a minute when I saw her. It was like nobody else in the world existed. She took my breath away. I took a minute to get my ducks in a row, then waited for opportunity to knock. The guy she was dancing with had left her on the dance floor to answer a page. She stood there looking like she lost her best friend. That's when I made my move. I was ready to stick a knife in his back to meet this girl. Was it wrong? Sure, but I had to look out for number 1.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

Yeah, it ain't trickin' if you got it. That's what all the rappers say, so it must be true. Even though I was just a college boy, I worked my fingers to the bone at my j-o-b. I'm pretty sure I could manage to get her a glass of Alize. Now, as I reminisce, that in itself was mad cliche. Everybody and their mama was getting their drink on with that Ze. Myself? This was back before I knew any better and was drinking that liquid crack. If it wasn't Cisco or MD2020, you might find me 3 sheets to the wind off that Christian Brothers brandy. Or maybe some Seagrams Gin. Sometimes both. Well that night I was sipping on gin and juice. You know what they say. "Gin makes you sin." I thought of all the sinful things I could do with her. Matter of fact, before I move on, let me confess, I wasn't exactly rolling in the dough. I was NOT keeping up with the Jones'. In fact, my money was funny, but frankly, I didn't give a damn. They say romance without finance is a damn nuisance, but I figured let's roll the dice and see if I can hit the mark.

So back to the girl. She smiled a smile that lit up the room. She was finer than all outdoors. I mean, she could have been a model. What should I call her on the blog? I think I'll call her Nashville - cuz she was the only 10 I see. Or saw. Or.. never mind, that doesn't work out. I thought I would run it up the flagpole and see if it flies. Anyway, she told me her name. It was Keisha. What a surprise! A black girl named Keisha. I've never met one of those before. I think that there must have been a come to Jesus meeting for all parents between 1974 and 1984. They decreed that every 5th Black female child shall be named Keisha. It was written...and forever more shall be.

But I digress... Keisha was rocking the styles of the day. She had the white K-Swiss on with some Daisy Dukes shorts that fit like a glove. Her white tee was tied up around her navel, revealing a butterfly tattoo on her stomach. You have to remember this was when I was still mad young, and not set in my ways like I am now. A cliche tat like that back then was exciting, especially the strategic placement and "blue like the sky" coloring. Keisha's hair was gelled up in a french roll, and a long (weave?) curl cascaded over her left eye. Yeah, she was hotter than a sinner in church. She was hotter than July. She was hotter than a fat chick's butt crack and I was hooked like a crackhead. She had my nose open like some Vicks.

I paid for her drink and then we walked to the corner to chop it up. I mean we were talking, not getting blowing trees. Although by that point, I was probably high as Bob Marley. But guess what? You most certainly can't judge a book by it's cover. Turns out Keisha was dumb as a box of rocks. She was a few fries short of a happy meal. Her conversation was so wack, that I considered finding the dude she was with and returning her. "Here, you take her. I don't want her no mo'." Ain't that the way the cookie crumbles? You never trust a big butt and a smile. All that glitters isn't gold. I had to bounce out of there. I guess that's the story of my life. Oh well, another one bites the dust!

Oh yeah, this story was fiction. You know how I be lying. LOL Or more accurately it was fiction based on a composite of true stories. Did you notice all the cliches? If not, read it again and look for them. I lost count of how many I threw in there.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

So I Was Wondering... (edited to add my answers)

15 questions about blogging. Feel free to answer some or all of these in the comments. If you wanna name names, its cool. You can even do it anonymously. I should warn you though, that I'm extremely nosy, so I will attempt to match up anon comments with my site meter. I don't wanna do it, but I have a compulsion to do so. LOL Don't worry, I wont tell nobody what I find out.

1. How did you find my blog? Most of you I found from Jameil or Diva.. Some of the people that I've been reading probably come from Tam... if you wanna know about you specifically let me know in the comments

2. How many blogs do you read a day? On a regular day 10, on a catch up day, probably like 20.

3. Do you get mad when people don't comment on your blog daily? nah, I go back and forth on this one though. Sometimes I'm a comment whore, but right now I'm not. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.

4. Do you need a certain number of comments before you move on to the next post? Nope. I used to have to hit 15 or i would feel the post was wasted. That was on the old blog.

5. Whose blog is the first one you read each day? Jameil, then Diva

6. What are some of your blog pet peeves? Way too many to list. Some are wack poetry, music players that you cant turn off, people that don't post often enough. I could keep going, but I'll stop now

7. Who is the funniest blogger that you read? Magnolia Peach is hilarious..She should post more. Do you feel guilty now? LOL

8. Who has the funniest comments? I'm a go old school with this one. She don't post no more...but I Like Liquor and TV was the most hilarious commenter ever. I wonder where she is now...

9. Without naming names, is there a blog that you read because you feel like you are obligated to, but don't really want to read? Yep, I wont say anything else about that one. LOL

10. Are there any blogs that you lurk on? If so, why don't you comment? I am a lurker to start with. The conditions have to be just right before I'll comment. Like for instance, she probably don't know this, but I used to lurk on Monie's page. I can't remember why I never said anything until she commented here first.

11. You got a blog crush? I don't get those. I'm immune. Instead I'd rather have a real life crush. I got to at least talk to you before that develops.

12. You got a blog beef? Not really, although there are plenty of people that don't like me and the feeling is mutual. No active beef though. I'm very civil with mine. You ignore me, and I'll ignore you.

13. You got a blogger that you wish would stop posting and disappear from the blog world forever (forever ever? forever ever?) - One down, 2 to go...LOL

14. How do you feel about anonymous commenters? I like them as long as I know who they are. Part of the reason I got haloscan so they can still comment even if they have no blog.

15. You tired of me asking questions? Nope, I can get inquisitive all night long. Ask anyone that's ever talked to me. I'm good for getting info out of people without having to share any of my info. LOL

I'll answer some of these later..

Monday, July 7, 2008

Love Sucks

You know what? Love sucks. Let me just say right now that no, I'm not in love now. That's not what this post is about. I just was thinking about it. Too many people I know are going through drama in the name of love. Marraiges deteriorating. Relationships doomed. Fathers not being there for their kids. Cuz when the love goes wrong, everything else goes out the window.

Why is it that people that supposedly love each other are so hurtful to one another? How is that you love that woman, but you are cheating on her with every random chick that'll let you? Or if you love that man, then why are you entertaining thoughts of the next man? Or if you really love your children, then why do you either stop the father from seeing the child, or not make an effort to see your kids? That ain't love!

It's enough to make a man jaded and sour on the concept of love and marraige. But not me. I choose to wear my rose colored glasses and maintain my blind faith that things will be different for me. I can't live any other way. If there is no hope, than what's the point? True, I'm mad old now to have no wife and/or kids, but I won't adopt a defeatist attitude. Somewhere out there, there's someone that's made for me. If not, then I'll just be that old cat up in the club, trying to pull young nubile chicks with my wad of money. LOL I'm kidding about that of course. No matter how much love may suck, I'm still down for it.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

July 4th Likes and Dislikes


A recap of my July 4th, in not so chronological order.

Beginning of the day. Mugging in the mirror(s) before I went out.

Like: Being invited to hang out with friends at Lak.e La.nier for a cookout.
Dislike: Not being told that we would be going to the water park first before the actual food portion of the day.

Like: Not paying to get into the water park.
Dislike: Being mad over dressed. I really need to get some shorts. What I look like walking around a water park in pants while other people are rocking shorts and bathing suits.

Like: Realizing that I no longer have a bad ash problem and that my powerful (LOL) calves would look good in shorts.
Dislike: Totally inappropriate swimwear. We aren't even gonna talk about the adults who were wearing stuff they shouldn't have worn. But can you please stop dressing your 11 year old daughter like a hoochie? Why must your kids be so hypersexualized (is that a word?) at a young age? It's just not right. Protect your daughters, please.

Like: Playing Uno while the rest of the people went on the water slide.
Dislike: Sitting in the grass, because I didn't know to bring a towel or blanket.

Okay, I have to suspend the whole Like/Dislike couplet thing. I'm not generally a complainer, but if I'm keeping it real, then I have to admit that yesterday was my time for things to get on my nerves. Most of these are gonna be dislikes, even some of the likes...

Dislike: People that argue in public. For real, does everything have to be an issue with you two. Can we all just get along?

Dislike: People that smoke in front of their kids. I saw a lady holding a little baby no older than 6 months old in one hand and a cigarette in another. I wanted to slap the Marlboro out of her hand.

Dislike: Non listening people. If I'm trying to tell you a story, I expect to at least to have your attention for the little bit of time it takes to finish. I don't be talking War and Peace or nothing. My story is short, its sweet and you'll laugh. Listen to me, you jerks! Or at the very least, don't complain that I don't tell you nothing.

Dislike: Us against them mentalities. The park ranger telling you to be careful with the grill has nothing to do with you being Black. It has to do with the fact that you are barbecuing on top of dry leaves. And no, he didn't say anything to anyone else. Maybe because nobody else is grilling so he didn't have to tell him. There is plenty of racism in the world, lets not create any extra.

Like: Online booking, DJs (cuz that's my DJ) and the phone convos I was having on the way to and fro the Lake.

Dislike: Hom.othu.ggery... I'm just saying, if you ghey, be ghey. Don't try to be a thug with it too. One of the first things I saw when I arrived at the parking lot was a group of rubbing lotion on each other. Not cool...

Dislike: Unexpected house guests. I figured my friend would stay with me one night after we went out, but to get a call at 4:30 in the morning when I'm chilling in my bed and caking on the phone was a little disconcerting. I didn't even clean up yet. Then after I directed her to the spare bedroom, I went to turn off the lights in the living room to find her in my bed. I'm like, you are in the wrong room. I had to sleep in the couch in my own crib. (I wasn't going in the spare room cuz there might still be guinea pig remnants that the vacuum didn't capture.)

Like: Hanging out with S.enita and her friend at the Pin Ups.

Dislike: Them acting like they didn't want to be there when it was her idea to go to the club. I'm just saying, I'm good on the strip club. I just went last month. Regardless of what some people think, I'm not really the strip club king. I woulda been more than happy to stay home and be on the internet all night. Also, the public urination was a bit unladylike. Don't ask! LOL

Dislike: Being the 5th wheel with 2 couples.

Like: Not subjecting any woman I actually like to the dysfunctional relationships of my friends.

Like: Making mean and sarcastic jokes about said dysfunctionality to their faces.

Like: Firework shows...

Dislike: Fireworks shows that go on for too long. 24 minutes was too long. Trim that in half and have just the good fireworks and eliminate the lull from the not so good ones.

Dislike: Remembering that the day we are commemorating technically doesn't apply to my people because we were not independent on July 4th, 1776. My day of Independence??? November 4th!!!

Like: Role playing conversations!! You should really hear them. You would die laughing.

This picture was towards the end of the night. The Ro.c A W.ear joint had been replaced by a plain black tee. And I was taking pictures of myself while people called me weird. I also might have poured hot candle wax on my arm too.

And that was my July 4th. I hope yours was productive.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Thursday Thirteen

I stole this from Jameil because I wasn't feeling like being original today. But you know I wouldn't be me if I didn't put a twist on things... Allow me to present, Thursday Thirteen: The Many Faces of Rashan Jamal (All pictures are simulated. Don't try this at home)
1. "Rashan last night from 12 - 6:30 AM" face

2. "The Come Here Girl!!! Rashan" Face (also known as "Bathe her and bring her to me" face.)

3. "The Smirk tm.. By Rashan" face.

4. "Rashan reacting to a crazy email from Jameil" face.

5. "Rashan is mad sleepy" face

6. "Rashan being pensive" face.

7. "Rashan after a few dranks" face.

8. "Umgawa Black Power" Rashan face.

9. The "Did you really just say that to me blank expression" face.

10. The "Don't make me won't like me when I'm angry" Rashan face

11. The "Happy, but don't get used to me smiling all big cuz I'm nobody's coon" Rashan face.

12. "Rashan with bloggers block... so he resorts to posting pictures" face.

13. And finally... "The I'm RAH-SOME!!!" face.

I dare anybody reading to do this... you know, that's if you have the cajones..LMAO!!! Aiight, y'all I'm out! One!!!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

A Tourist In My Own City

When people find out that I'm from Savannah, they usually react the same way. "Ohh, I love Savannah. It's so pretty." To which I respond, "Yeah, I actually hate Savannah." They can never understand my antipathy for the city in which I spent my formative years. To me, Savannah isn't the beautiful tourist town that they see. It's a place where all eyes are on you at all times. The police watch you. The thugs watch you. Random people in the mall watch you. It's like everybody wants to see what you got, and hate on you if they ain't got it. And it's mad hood too. There are certain areas that are hood and many people that fit that description. Add to that, the racist tendencies (even though the city is predominantly Black, the wealth is definitely not equally distributed), the lack of career opportunities (as a college graduate, I couldn't find a job. The last job I was offered before I moved to ATL was at a sugar packing plant for $6.25 an hour) and the steaming hot weather (I have nothing else to elaborate on, but since I put parentheses on the first two, I thought I should do it on this one too LOL) and I'm done.

I had some good times in the S-A-V, mostly in college and the years immediately following, but I could never move back. For one, I don't smoke weed anymore, and that is what made it fun. LOL And two, I'm kinda used to big city life now. Whenever I go to Savannah, I feel like I have taken a trip in a time warp. Nothing much seems to change. When I was in the club in June, the people looked exactly like they looked in 98 when I used to club hop 3-4 times a week. For the most part, the same landmarks and buildings are there. The only thing different is that S.CA.D is developing the downtown area. That makes sense in a city that's built on tradition, but every now and then it would be nice to see something new.

I've been gone for about 8 and a half years, and I think its about time that I come to terms with the city. Time to stop hating. I was there a couple of weeks ago, and it was cool. But I'm gonna take it one step further. I'm gonna see the Savannah that everybody else loves. I'm a do it like a tourist. I was looking online tonight and planning out an itinerary for later this summer. I'm gonna see some of the sights that I took for granted in my 14 years there. I've been to River Street quite often, but I've never taken the Riverboat tour. I'm a do that. I often drove around the Squares, but never took the time to appreciate their beauty. I've never been to some of the most famous restaurants in Savannah, but I'm gonna do that too. Hopefully by the time I'm done, I'll have a new appreciation of the Seaport City.

Anyone wanna come with me? LOL

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Dear Summer

Dear Summer,

It's your dude, Rah! You ready to get it in? I know I'm a few days late, but I want to take this time to touch bases with you. Summer, you know what I need, so let's make it happen. Just in case you don't know, let me delineate for you. I NEED FUN!!!

That's what I need you to provide for me, nah mean? I'm talking about forgetting that I'm anti social. I'm talking about parties and cookouts. I'm talking about dancing and drinking (well other way around). I'm talking about road trips! Last year, what did I do with you summer? Don't think too hard on it. It was nothing. I mean I went to work. I came home. I went to work. I came home. Lather, rinse, repeat! At least that's how it was in June and July. You waited until August to provide me with some entertainment. Is that any way to do your boy? After all these years we rode together, you gonna give me 33% effort? That's wack, summer!

Remember the old days when we used to roll thick in the summer? Remember the riding the bike far beyond where my mom thought I was. Or how good it was to see the ice cream man after a long hot day of playing outside? The hanging out with friends from the early morning until the street lights came on? I know I got a job now, so that's not possible. But I just wanted to remind you of whence we came. How about trips to the beach, and 4th of July cookouts? Hell, the cookouts just because we wanted to hang with our people? Remember that? Or hitting up Chicago for the Taste, road trips to Dallas, or weekends out of town just for the heck of it? That's what I'm talking about, Summer. Let's get back to the fun.

So, what you got for me? I'll be anxiously awaiting your entertainment. You do your part and I'll do mine. If you build it, I will come. We missed about a week of fun, so I'll expect you to double up on it post haste. Don't front on me, kid! You know my favorite season is coming up in just a few months. Why don't you see if you can give Autumn a run for her money?

Thanks in Advance,

Rashan Jamal