The Ride Home

For real, ask me a question people! Thank to Pserendipity for her queries. I need some more though. I can't make a post out of 3 questions. Well, I can, but I don't want to. Audience participation please. This is your chance to control what I write about. Ask me some off the wall mess. Ask me something that you been thinking, but are not sure about. Ask me anything. Okay, I'm done begging now.

On to today's post. I intended to post this last week when I was talking about my ex's but I somehow got tired of writing about them.

The Ride Home

Dateline: Sometime in 1996 - Savannah, Georgia

As was customary, this day I met Lisa at the Biology building. She was pre med, I was an English major. We had coordinated our schedules so that our classes coincided with each other. I parked my 1987 VW Fox, you know the one with the fresh Cerulean Blue paint job and the airbrushed license tag that said Rashan X and was adorned with a tiger, Savannah State's mascot, across from the library. I walked in the building to find Lisa sitting in the lobby.

"You ready to go?"

She didn't say anything, just nodded and stood up. I grabbed her books and we walked towards the exit. I opened her the passenger side door, put her books in the back seat and then she sat down. Closing the door after her, I scampered around to the driver's side, got in and turned the car on. Loud hip hop blared from the 6 x 9 speakers that my homeboy Ashley had just recently installed for me. I quickly lowered the volume, realizing that I had forgotten to remove the detachable face for the cd player.

"My bad."

Lisa used to get on me about blasting my music in front of the biology building. Something about not wanting her professors to hear my profanity laced booming. She didn't say anything this time, so I considered myself lucky. I changed the CD to something that we both liked, I wanna say it was Monifah's Mood...Moments album, but I can't quite remember. I depressed the clutch, put the car in gear and rode around the campus towards the Victory Street exit. We usually stopped over at her cousin's house right outside the campus for a while before going home, so I drove in that direction.

"I'm not feeling too good. Can you just take me home?"

Not a problem. I didn't want to go over there anyway. They were okay, but I always felt a little anti social over there. I usually just wound up watching Jenny Jones or Tempestt Bledsoe's talk show while the family did whatever they did. I rode back around the campus, exiting at the Skidaway entrance.

"Hey, Lisa. You need something to drink or something?"

She shook her head, still not very talkative. Really, I wanted to stop and get a Mystic or one of them Lifesaver drinks, but I could tell that I should probably get her home. The music played softly in the background as I made the right turn onto DeRenne Ave. We rode without talking, which was rare, but had been known to happen from time to time. We stopped at a red light at DeRenne and Waters.

"How did you do on that test?"

Lisa didn't respond. I scanned my memory banks to see what I had done wrong. I don't think she knew about my trip to the ghetto ass strip club (please someone remind me to write about Lady Lou's and BoMays - hilarious stories in those clubs) the other night. Kareem and Tori weren't around so they couldn't have gotten on her nerves. Matter of fact, we rarely if ever argued about anything, so I wasn't sure what I had done to rate a silent treatment. Was she really mad about me blasting my music? Nah, she's not that type. But what's up? The light turned green and I inched forward slightly when I heard her say something.

"What'd you say?"

Again, Lisa didn't respond. I figured she was deep in thought and decided not to push the issue. I hit another red light right in front of Candler Hospital. It took an eternity for the light to change. It was what passes for rush hour in Savannah so there were cars in front and behind me. I stared ahead into traffic waiting for that confounded light to change to no avail, car in first gear, my foot on the clutch. I heard a rustling noise coming from my right. I turned my head to see what Lisa was doing. To my surprise she....

Let's back up a little...

I'm only kidding. I'm gonna tell the story now. Lisa was in the midst of a seizure. Her body convulsed, and strange guttural sounds emanated from her throat. I threw my Fox in neutral and reached over to help my girlfriend. The seat belt was tightening across her throat, so the first thing I did was to unbuckle it. I turned her over on her side, so in case she had to vomit, she wouldn't choke on it. In the midst of this, I caught a couple of shots from her flailing arms right in my eye. But the adrenalin masked any pain I was feeling. The light turned green. A cacophony of car horns blared behind me. My car, in neutral, started to roll backwards a bit. I managed to find the parking brake to stop the backward momentum, and of course ignored the drivers behind me that didn't know what was going on. The convulsions continued for what seemed like ages, although it really was not long at all. Lisa began to look like she was choking, so I did what seemed like a good idea at the time, but in fact was the exact wrong thing to do. I put my finger in her mouth to stop her from choking on her tongue. Of course, she bit the shit outta my finger, but I didn't care as long as she could still breathe. When the seizure ended, I busted a right turn on to Reynolds and took her directly to the emergency room at Candler, which fortuitously was right there.

I knew that Lisa had seizures. I knew that she took medicine daily to control them; I think it was called Dilantin. I knew that she didn't drive because of the possibility. Only she hadn't had one in the two years I knew her. In retrospect, we probably should have talked about what to do in the event of a seizure, but under the circumstances, I think I did pretty well. Sure, I had a black eye and a bloody finger, but at least Lisa was all right. I called her Mom at work and told her what happened, Lisa's father also soon showed up. Moms was giving me the side eye like it was my fault, like I short circuited her brain or something. Her father was just grateful that I didn't punk out.

"Thank you for taking care of my little girl."

Those were the most words he ever said to me in the entire 3 years Lisa and I dated. I saw Lisa have a seizure one more time. This time we were at her sister's house in that little bedroom that we spent so much time in. I was so much more prepared the second time, and I knew for the sake of my appendages, to keep them as far away from her mouth as possible. Before you ask, I don't know how she is. I haven't talked to her in like 3 years. Last I heard, she was getting her 2nd Masters degree in Tennessee. but that's another story for another day.

7 Years Ago

This is one of those "I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there" posts. It's not a "whoa is me still hung up on the past" posts. Its certainly not a "trying to make anyone mad by rehashing past drama" posts. It's really just "I thought about today being your birthday and remembered what happened 7 years ago and it makes for a good story" post. If you are reading, Happy 30th, C! I hope you and your family are doing well. You may wanna just skip the rest of the post, I know how much you hate it when I bring up old shit.

Introduction...

7 years ago today, I learned a valuable lesson. One that for good or bad, has changed the person I am. I'm not angry or bitter about anything anymore, if that tone comes across its only because I've yet to learn the art of completely detaching myself from my past experiences. I can still remember how I felt that day and the emotions that took over me. I guess I should stop hemming and hawing and get on with the story.

April 29th, 2001 - Marietta, Georgia...

Today is my girl's birthday. All week I've been planning what I am going to do. On my last birthday she took care of me. She bought me that hot sweater, the engraved Zippo lighter with my initials and "I Love You" on the back. She cooked my favorite meal, did my favorite things in the bedroom, bathed and massaged me. In short, she catered to me. In the 5 months since my birthday, I plotted a way to make her day just as special. Now, I can't cook, but I know what my baby likes. Her favorite restaurant for lunch, a grown up jazz place for dinner. Hell, I may even wear a tie. I got them warming oils she likes, and a few other things that I probably shouldn't talk about on my blog. And her present? I hope she likes it. I spent HOURS going from jewelry store to jewelry store trying to find just the right one. Lord knows how much I despise the mall. I thought about asking her cousin for help, but knowing the way they talk, it wouldn't be a secret for too long. Damn, I really love this girl. Yeah, I know sometimes I crave my alone time. I pray that she will leave our apartment so I can have a moment's rest, but word life, son, I can't imagine my life without her.

On the way home from lunch...

Lunch at Pappadeux was good, but what was up with her being in the bathroom for so long? I was sitting at the table alone for awhile. She was probably on the phone with her cousin. They talk all the damn time. Anyway, I think I'll give her her present when we get home. That should make her happy. Maybe sneak in some grownup time before we go back out tonight. I've never been to Sambuca, but everyone tells me that its the place to go for a romantic evening. Can you believe that my disorganized ass actually made reservations somewhere? This should be interesting. I wonder if I can get away without wearing a tie. I'm so not a tie person. I mean, I'm 26 and I'm hip hop. I have my whole life ahead of me to conform. Nah, I think I will. I'll get dressed up, and she'll get dressed up and we'll just have the time of our lives. I can't wait to see her face when we get there. She has no idea what this evening has in store.

Sitting On The Couch In Our Townhouse...

I think it's time. I should give her the present now. Look at her, sitting there half sleep. She's so cute. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Who woulda thought when we first met that we would have been living together, moved to Atlanta, and still going strong after all this time? I remember the first time I saw her that day at work. There was just something about her that intrigued me. When she asked me to give her a compliment, and I told that I don't compliment girls that have boyfriends. When she kept badgering me for a compliment and I sarcastically told her "I like your weave." When she laughed instead of getting offended, I knew then that this could be special. When she left her boyfriend for me, when she moved in with me 6 days later, all signs pointed to this being ill fated. But we made it. Through the drama with the feds, and the being so broke that all we could afford was 2 for $4 whoppers, and sleeping on my sister's sofa bed for a month, we made it. Hold up, let me go do this. "Hey, baby. Stay right there. I'm about to go get your present."

Upstairs in the loft...

I really should have wrapped this gift. But it'll be fine. She'll be so happy when she sees it, that it wont matter that it's just in a gift bag. It's kind of a nice bag anyway. It came from the jewelry store that I purchased it from. Let me just get it out of my hiding place. I can't believe she didn't find it seeing how I hid it in pretty much plain sight. I'm walking down the stairs now. I can see the look of anticipation on her face. She's damn near doing her happy dance as she is awaiting my descent down the stairs. Wait a minute, what's that look about? What happened to the big Kool-Aid smile that was on her face? Where did that anticipatory squeal go? Is she... Is she crying? Did she really just say what I thought she said? I mean, really? Do my ears deceive me? She's not ready to get married?

Her on the couch, Me on my chaise lounge...

What was that about? She saw the jewelry store bag and assumed I was going to propose to her. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. But today was not the day. Good to know how she really feels though. Should I even bother to present her actual present to her? It's not a ring... It's a diamond tennis bracelet with a matching necklace. She had been dropping hints for the last few months and I picked them up. Hence me spending time at my least favorite place in the world: the mall. I thought that she would be happy. I thought she would be appreciative. Hell, I thought that she wanted to marry me, even though this wasn't the right time. I'm not ready to get married either, but to hear her say those words out loud really hurt my pride. Let me swallow that shit for a minute. This is her day. Take a look, baby. See, its not a ring. Oh, yeah, pretty embarrassing, isn't it? All those tears and angst over nothing. Come on, Rashan. Put that out of your head. Don't ask her why. You know why. Both of you are young. She's younger than you. Remember how you were at 23. Do you think you were ready to get married then? "Why don't you want to get married?" I can't believe I actually asked that.

I Need A Drink...

No really, don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. I can't fathom the thought. Regardless of whatever issues we have, I am yours and you are mine. We don't need a marriage certificate to tell us that. It's been R and C for the last 22 months. We been through it all and came out of it stronger for the experience. Don't tell me that we can make it through all these trials and tribulations unscathed, only to be undone by boredom. I know I pushed you to go out, but I didn't mean for you to be giving your cell phone number to random dudes and I damn sure didn't intend for you to be kissing a guy you met at the club. Why the fuck are you telling me this? On this day of all days. What about the special day I had planned for you? Take it back. Undo this. How about I pretend that I didn't hear this? Or better yet, it was a bad dream. There's no way this could happen to us. We are that couple. The ones that everybody looks up to. The ones that when you see one, the first question that's asked is where is the other one. Trust, I had opportunities to cheat, but I didn't take them. You know I cut off all those situations that you felt threatened by. You know all my female friends in Savannah got eighty sixed, even the ones I never did anything with. You know that YOU are my life now. And you throw it away for a kiss at the club. God, I can't believe I'm asking you this. Please somebody stop me from asking this. "What else happened? Did it go any further?" Her mouth is saying no, but her eyes...

Driving Around Aimlessly...

I had to get out of there. I have never felt like this before. I just wanted to break stuff and since every thing in that apartment is at least partially mine, it's probably not a good idea. Also, she looked kinda scared of me. I mean, come on, regardless of what goes down, I'm not gonna hit her. I might smash the hell outta a coffee table, but violence? That's so not me. Right now, I'm a walking R&B cliche. I can't sleep, I can't think. I can't eat. I'm so weak. What in the hell is this about? We need to spend some time apart? I don't want to spend time apart. I want what we had back. I want to rewind time before she felt the need to bare her soul to me. I want another chance to make things right. If I had another chance to make her happy I'm sure I could do it. But really, I should have known this was coming. I shouldn't have been blindsided. They say the way you start the relationship is the way that it'll end. I probably should not have escalated things with her until she broke up with that other guy. She probably should have taken some time before jumping into a relationship with me. I probably should have spent more time WITH her, rather than just spending time in the same crib as her. You know what... I can't do anything about that now. I need to focus on the future. She wants to date for awhile, to get back to the way things were in the beginning. I don't know if I can do that. I can't have it all and then step backwards to just a little. Shiiiiitttt, I'm greedy and I know it. It's all or nothing with me. I don't do halfway. But if that's what I have to do to hold on to a piece of her, I'll guess I'll have to try. It won't be easy. Every time I kiss her, I'm sure I'll be thinking that some other guy has tainted my perfection. I'll be reminded that the love that I thought was perfect, was in fact flawed.

Epilogue...

7 years ago today, I learned a painful lesson. I learned that it can happen to me. I learned that I should never get complacent. I learned that people you love and that love you, can hurt you far worse than anyone else. We stayed together for another several months in a futile attempt to recapture the magic, but it was no use. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over on that April day in 2001. It would make for a great ending if I immediately took these lessons and became a better person and a better boyfriend but it didn't work like that. I can't front, I was an angry, bitter man. I resisted any form of commitment for a couple years after that. Although, I never reached the level of a manwhore (I'm too anti social for that), I had no meaningful relationships for awhile. I was all about that "I don't love them hoes" mentality. I was jaded, never willing to put any emotions into anything, lest I get hurt again. Somehow, I finally broke free. I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there. I better hit publish before I change my mind.

Brandy

Dateline: Savannah, Georgia - 1992

I was 17 years old and dating this girl we'll call Brandy, cuz she kinda looked like the star of Moesha. She was a couple of years younger than me, we got hooked up through a mutual friend at our high school. I didn't have a car or a job, so we didn't really go out too much. A couple of movies maybe, but for the most part all of our time was spent in the 2 bedroom apartment she shared with her mother. At first, Brandy's mom would sit in the room with us, but eventually once she became convinced that I wasn't irresponsible enough to impregnate her daughter, she allowed us to hang out by ourselves.

One day in August, I borrowed my mom's Ford Tempo, and drove the 3 minutes to Brandy's crib. We were just chillin sitting on the floor and listening to the new Mary J Blige's "What's The 411?" album that I had recently copped and became obsessed with. Brandy's mother was upstairs, leaving us to our own devices in the living room. We were doing a little light making out, nothing too serious as her mom was upstairs. Brandy got up from the floor and walked to the kitchen.

"What's wrong, B?"
"Nothing, I just have a headache."
"You need something?"
"I'm okay. I'm just gonna take this medicine."

The darkness of the room was briefly interrupted by the light emanating from the refrigerator. Brandy poured two glasses of orange juice and walked back to the living room and sat with her back to me between my legs. She handed me the second glass and we sat there quietly for awhile listening to Mary's unpolished voice over Puffy's hip hop soul production. Brandy began breathing heavily and even in the dark I could see on her face that she was in pain.

"Hey, you want me to turn this off?"
"No, keep it on. Sound doesn't bother me, it's mostly light."
"Okay, let me know if you need anything."
"Thanks, but I'm cool just sitting here with you."

Okay, maybe she didn't exactly say that. It was 16 years ago, but it was something like that. LOL. We sat quietly in the dark, the only movement being me stroking her hair. This wasn't really anything new. Brandy often had bad headaches, the result of an expanding blood vessel in her brain. I don't know much about science, so I'll spare you the details, but from what I understood, it wasn't life threatening, but caused terrible migraines. When this happened, Brandy would need to be in total darkness, so we spent a lot of our time without light. Most of the time, she would fall asleep and then wake up feeling better. This night? Well, this night was different.

Brandy was sleeping in my arms by the time the CD ended. We were still on the floor, so to make her more comfortable, I picked her up and laid her on the couch. I sat on the adjacent recliner rifling through a CD organizer before finally settling on Jodeci's "Forever My Lady." It was still mad dark, so as I fumbled with the eject button on the stereo, I bumped my knee on the entertainment center. The loud thud echoed in the dark, silent room.

"OWWW!!!" I whispered under my breath along with a myriad of curse words. I was trying not to awaken Brandy, but as I looked back towards her direction, I saw her eyes opening.

"Sorry, baby. Go back to sleep."
"Wha-
"I'm still here."
"You best ta keep quiet... You gon' get us in trouble."

Da hell? I recognized the voice, but the tone was different. She sounded like a little kid. And what was she talking about? I brushed it off, thinking that she was still half sleep.

"You better hii-iide"
"Huh?"
"You better hide, fo they see you"
"Brandy, what are you talking bout?"

She fell back asleep and I sat back down in the recliner. I wasn't sure what just happened, but I was ready to chalk it up to me interrupting a dream. I sat there listening to the music for awhile. It was getting late and I had to get the car home, so I woke Brandy up to tell her I was leaving.

"Hey, I'm about to go. You wanna walk me out?"

She stood up and let a squeal escape her lips as she stretched. I held her hand as we walked toward the door. As she opened the door, the light from outside illuminated her face. That's when I saw it. Her eyes were red. No, I'm not talking about the white part of her eyes, I mean the iris part was red. It was freaky as hell. It looked like something straight out of a horror movie.

"Brandy, you aiight? Your eyes are red."

She didn't respond. She just stood silently at the door.

"Brandy?" I repeated.

Again, she didn't say anything. I led her back into the apartment and I sat her down at the dining room table. She was still not responding to me. I turned on the light to get a closer look at her eyes. Logically, I knew that it had to be an optical illusion, the result of the light hitting her hazel contacts the wrong way. No way someone could actually have red irises. I figured when I looked in direct light, I would see that I was wrong. But no, her eyes were still red. What puzzled me more was that she was still not talking.

"Brandy? I'm gonna get your mom. I'll be right back"
"My mama's coming?
"Yeah, I'm gonna go get her."
"Mama's coming! Mama's coming! Mama's coming!"

There was that voice again. I saw Brandy's lips moving, but if I didn't I woulda swore there was a kid in the room. It got even stranger.

"I hope Mama lets me wear my favoritest dress."
"..." Really, I didn't know what to say.
"I promise I wont get it dirty like last time. Mama said if I get it dirty, she gon' beat me"
"..."
"Do you like my yellow dress?"
"uh...yeah. It's nice"
"My mama says I'm the prettiest girl in my school"

At this point, I'm thinking I'm the victim of a practical joke. My girlfriend is talking like a 5 year old, her eyes are red, and I just don't understand. Brandy started singing a song. I can't remember the words to it, but it was one of those hand clap game songs, like Miss Mary Mack or something. I ran up the stairs to get her mother.

"Ms. Moesha.. I think something's wrong with Brandy."
"Hold on, I'll be right there."

I went back downstairs to see Brandy doing hand movements while singing her song. Her mother followed downstairs quickly. She hugged Brandy and told me to leave.

"I'll take care of her. Go head and go on home."
"What's wrong with her?"
" Just go now. She'll be fine."
"But did you see her eyes?"
"Rashan, go home. I'll have Brandy call you tomorrow."

I was basically kicked out the house wondering what the hell happened. I went home as instructed, but I couldn't sleep that night. I didn't have the internet, so I was looking up the symptoms in the encyclopedias we got some years back. No luck. I finally drifted off to sleep, worried about Brandy and hoping that she would call soon.

The next morning Brandy called me. I was still sleeping.

"Hey, you coming over today?"
"Yeah, I'll be there."
"Cool, I didn't hear you leave last night."
"You don't remember me leaving?"
"I must have been sleep. The last thing I remember we were on the floor."
"For real? You don't remember anything else happening?"
"Like what?"
"Umm..like you talking like a 5 year old?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Nevermind, I'll see you around 3."

Brandy had no idea what I was talking about, so I figured I would just let it go for now. I went to see her before her mom got home from work. A couple of times I made reference to the previous nights events, but I could see that Brandy was oblivious. When her mom came home, I eventually was able to get some information. Apparently, when she would get one of those headaches, it would cause a personality shift. Brandy reverted to a 5 year old. Quite possibly a 5 year old from the sharecropping days. As if that wasn't strange enough, she never remembered it happening. It was like 2 totally distinctive personalities lived in that thin frame of hers. This alternate personality didn't happen all the time, but I experienced it a couple more times before we broke up. It was one of the strangest things I had seen at that time in my life. Keep in mind, that this was before all the crazy people in the world began to follow me. If this happened now, I probably wouldn't even notice. LOL. Aiight, have a good Monday!