Thursday, October 30, 2008

13 Odd Things I Can Do

1. I can say the most outrageous things and people will not get mad at me. Don't know why that is, but people often laugh it off instead of cursing me out. It's a gift and a curse though, cuz when I try to make people mad they don't follow suit. Or people get mad over stuff that I think is really innocuous.

2. I can identify what type of Latino or Asian someone is. I can tell the difference between Cubans, Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, and Colombians etc. I don't think Japanese people and Chinese people look alike. Same with Vietnamese and Korean. Don't go asking me about Laotians and Cambodians though. It only works with the major countries.

3. I can easily go 24 hours without eating or sleeping. Sometimes I just forget to eat. Sometimes I can stay up a full day without being tired. The flip side of that is when I do eat, I eat a whole lot and sometimes I'm almost narcoleptic like a couple of weeks ago when I was visiting Jameil. I swear I fell asleep every 20 minutes for 2 days straight.

4. I can remember minuscule details about stuff that happened weeks, months or years ago. But sometimes I forget what I was saying mid sentence. And there are entire sections of my life that I can't remember. Like college for instance. It's strange that I remember my 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade teachers names (Mrs. Polivy, Mr. Silverman, Mrs Bierman), but I can't remember some of my college professors names.

5. I find myself fully conscious during my dreams. What I mean is that I know that I'm dreaming while I'm dreaming. It still doesn't change anything that happens in the dream. Par example, I once had a dream that (that was in French with English Subtitles) about... well, it really doesn't matter what it was about. LOL. In the dream, I actually said "I'm dreaming. This isn't real." But that didn't stop it from feeling very real, even though I knew it wasn't.

6. I learn very quickly. I never study, but if I hear or read something, it will stick in my head and I'll be able to regurgitate it. I think because knowledge comes so easily for me, that I don't apply myself.

7. I can make up the harmony to songs. I can't sing a lick anymore, but I will arrange some harmony in my head. The melody? Not so much. I'm mad off key most of the time.

8. I think I mentioned this before, but I can recite all the Presidents backwards from Obama to Teddy Roosevelt. It gets a little murky in the 1800s though.

9. I can say the alphabet backwards. I read or heard somewhere that if you got pulled over for drunk driving, that was one of the sobriety tests. So, whenever I would be drinking (or smoking out) I would practice. I can do it better drunk than sober.

10. I can crack just about every bone in my body. Not so much a talent as something that freaks people out, but from my legs to my knees to most recently, my hip, I can pretty much do it on demand.

11. I have a knack for making people tell me their secrets. I think the trick is not asking, or showing any semblance of interest. That usually makes people spill the beans. I like it because I'm mad nosy, but the drawback is that I often learn stuff that I don't want to know. Or I learn stuff that I just can't keep to myself.

12. I can take a whole lot before losing my temper. Even when I do get upset, it never comes across the same way that it does with most people. I don't get violent or verbally abusive, I just say something sarcastic and then walk away. I don't wanna say that nothing bothers me, but a lot of things that would cause others to lose their religion, I can just shrug off. Maybe it's because I always expect the worst in people, so when they disappoint me, I'm not taken aback.

13. I don't have to go to the bathroom often. And no, nothing is wrong with my kidneys and yes, I do drink a ton of water. Perhaps it stems from my aversion to public restrooms, (cuz really what is more gross than doing your business with someone standing next to you) but I've trained myself to wait until I get home from work. Now, when I'm drinking, all bets are off, but otherwise, I can hold it.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Today I Should Have Been Anti-Anti-Social

It’s been well established that I am anti social. I just don’t feel like being bothered. I haven’t hung out with the girl that I would have until recently considered my best friend in almost 4 months. I haven’t called her, haven’t really responded in a timely manner to her text messages. I avoided 2 after work functions with the co workers last week. I regularly avoid invitations from people to go out. Not that I am ever doing anything else, but I just didn’t feel like hanging out with them. The thing is, I have readily accessible excuses for not hanging out. Sometimes, I don’t even want to NOT hang out, but I have conditioned myself so much that its like a reflex. Sometimes, its just a reflex….

For instance, let’s take today. I’m at work when one of the Unit managers calls us (the training team) into the office. At first, he’s looking all dire like we did something wrong. He’s fidgeting with papers on his desk looking all nervous…

“You know, I believe in being direct.”

I’m anticipating what could possibly have gone wrong already. It’s only been one day of training so far.

“Anybody want to go to the Thrashers game tonight?”

And then he hands us tickets. That jerk got us good. LOL. Also, they aren’t just regular tickets; they are tickets for our company’s luxury suite at the Phillips Arena. I’ve never gone luxury box before. I’m not much of a hockey fan, but it would be a good experience on the company dime. But in order to get that, I would have to hang out with these same cats I see all day at work. Without thinking, I say:

“Aaaahhh, I wish I would have known. I can’t make it tonight.”

Why did I do that? It was just a reflex. I didn’t even mean it. I wanna go. I guess I can try to say I rearranged my plans, but I’m sure by now, he’s already given my ticket away. Darn this reactionary nature. Darn this anti social behavior. There’s got to be a pill I can take to get rid of this.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Quote of the Day

"Damn, Bobby is nasty. He need to stop with that snuff. Teefs all brown and sh*t. I may not have many teef, but least dey be clean"

- Random Delivery Guy at Work...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

That Guy

Ladies and Gentleman, I have a confession to make. I'm that guy. I'm the one that's focused on the present and the future, not the past. I'm that guy that may or may not answer the phone, and I'm certainly that guy that will not ever be calling you to see how you are or to catch up about old times. It's nothing personal, it's just who I am.

You may be wondering why I'm bringing this up. Even if you're not, I'll tell you anyway. LOL. A few months ago, I joined this facebook like reunion site for my high school (and later my college). It was cool for about a week. Seeing how old friends were, catching up in platitudes and cliches (life is good. I'm staying busy.) I really just wanted to see how much better I looked than them. LOL But then I got bored with it. I'd found everyone I wanted to find, and the novelty wore off. However, because I'm me, people from my past seem to love to reconnect with me. That in itself is not a bad thing.

Reminiscing is a good thing. But after the initial "how have you been for the last 10 years" session ends, so does my interest. I can only take so much of the "remember when" conversations. I do remember. Now, I'm gonna go do something else. Truth be told, we aren't really friends anymore. If we were, then I would have known that you have 2 kids by the lame dude in high school that people liked even less than me. I would have known that you got divorced; maybe might have even received an invitation to your wedding. I would have known you just did a stint in the Mount Pleasant Iowa State Correctional Facility for taking a joy ride on your neighbors tractor and destroying his crops. But I didn't know any of these things, so upon hearing about it, I'm interested. But after hearing, I'm done. It was a good story, but now let's move on. I'm sure you have way more stories to tell, but let's pace this thing out. You don't have to tell me everything that happened over the years. Leave something for your memoirs. Let me be surprised!!!

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't look at these reconnections as an opportunity to relive the past. My life, as uneventful as it is, is my life. I don't lack stimulation. I don't wish to recapture the glory days. I'm not bored or trapped in a loveless marriage and need to escape my life. I just want to say Hi, satisfy my curiosity and move on. Maybe we can go for drinks if we are ever in the same city, maybe I'll talk to you again in 6 months, but I'm not looking for a lifelong friend. I'm certainly not looking to be your "in case of emergency, break glass" d*ck in a jar. Really, I'm not. Sorry (not really) to be that guy, but I'm not gonna answer my phone all the time. I may or may not call you back. It depends on what I feel or what I'm doing at the time. Just because we were cool when we were teenagers, doesn't make you a priority as an adult. (By the way, wanna know how to ensure I will not call you back? Call me multiple times on the same day during business hours when most people are at work. Or call me mad early in the morning. That'll guarantee that I will be too annoyed to ever call you back.)

But you should know all this about me already. You know how I am. I'm a loner. More than likely the reason we stopped talking back in the day is because I disappeared on you. Maybe even relocated to another city without telling you. Maybe I just stopped calling when I got a girlfriend. Or found a new set of friends when I stopped working with you. Or maybe I just needed my alone time. You know what? Whatever the reason, I'm that guy. You might just be better off not even making an effort. I'd hate for you to get your feelings hurt trying.

So to recap... No, I'm not gonna call you when I go to Savannah. No, I'm not going to Homecoming. No, I'm not going to meet you somewhere so we can catch up. No, you can't stay with me when you come to Atlanta. No, I'm not gonna answer my phone when you call. No, I'm not even going to listen to the message, so don't bother leaving one. Let's just make this easier for all involved. Send me an email. I'm pretty good at responding to them, unless of course I decide to ignore those too. I'm that guy sometimes too. LOL

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The All Black Cabinet

I'm getting pretty tired of all the political talk on blogs lately. It has more to do with the fact that I already know who I'm voting for and just wish the election would hurry up. I don't really need to read anybody else's opinion on the matter. Besides pretty much everyone I read thinks the same as I do. Obama is the man, McCain is not the man, and Palin is an idiot. I don't really need to read that same post every day. Never the less, I know its important to people, so I'll just deal with it for the next 3 weeks.

That being said, today's post is about politics. LOL.

Don't worry, this ain't one of those serious posts that decry Republican attacks, or talk about how good Barack is. This is some of that good old fashioned sarcasm that you've come to expect from Rashan.

White people are funny to me. I don't if they actually believe half of the negative things they say or not, but it's ridiculous to me when they talk about how Barack is possibly anti-white, possibly Muslim (like being Muslim is a crime) or anti American. They act like he is some big time militant hell bent on destroying America. Whether you agree or not with the man's politics, it's seems pretty clear that voting for him is NOT going to bring about some revolution. But that got me to thinking... Do these people actually think that Obama will go out of his way to appoint unqualified people to his cabinet in an attempt to bring down the country just because they are Black? Which led me to come up with some totally fake cabinet appointments that made me laugh. And yes, I often laugh at my own jokes even if other people think they aren't funny. LOL

Secretary of State - Louis Farrakhan - He'll be in charge of changing America into a Black state. Plus he got something going for him if he's still alive with all the stuff he's said over the years.

Secretary of the Treasury -50 Cent. Who got more money than this guy?

Secretary of Defense - TI - You know he knows where to find the guns.

Attorney General - OJ Simpson - Don't nobody know more about the court system than this guy.

Secretary of the Interior - Little Richard. Mainly because I have no idea what this department does, but it sounds like interior design, which I think Little Richard would have a knack for.

Secretary of Agriculture - Freeway Ricky Ross. No, not the rapper, but the drug kingpin. You know this dude knows how to plan a crop and sell it.

Secretary of Commerce - George Foreman. If he can get rich of some cheap ass grills, then he definitely can get our trade going.

Secretary of Labor - Robert Johnson formerly of BET. If he can keep horrible Black comedians and horrible Black musicians working for all these years, he may just be the answer to unemployment.

Secretary of Health and Human Services - Dr Dre. Come on, he's a doctor for Pete's sake!

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development - Tiger Woods - I know what you are saying. Tiger ain't Black. LOL But follow me on this one. He got so much money and so many houses, that he could easily turn some of them into projects or subdivisions or little townships, villages or incorporated cities.

Secretary of Transportation - The dude that came up with the Expedition. Cuz niggas love big trucks. LOL

Secretary of Energy - Flavor Flav - you need energy, you call a hypeman.

Secretary of Education - KRS ONE - Who better to lead the way on education than The Teacher? Even if he sounds ridiculous and would be better served to just rap than to try to inform us.

Secretary of Veterans Affairs -Barry Bonds. Just cause white people hate him. A 20 year veteran who couldn't find a job last year. I'm sure he'll fix that when he gets this job.

Director of National Drug Control Policy - Marion Barry. Need I say more?

I know, I'm crazy. You got any to add?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Sleepy Time

I'm back in town after 5 days in Gainesville with Jameil. It's been 3 months as of the 18th. Wow, who da thunk I could actually make it that long? LOL. Anyway, I've officially burned through all my sick time at work for the rest of the year, but it was totally worth it. I had a great time and I have vacation days in November and December, so I'll be all right. The only problem is the same problem I have every time I get back from out of town. I can't get to sleep.

Knowing I have to get up for work in about 5 hours, you would think that I should be sleep, but it doesn't seem to work that way for me. First, I had to take all my stuff out the car. I brought one of my TVs with me this time so Jam could watch 8 hours of Project Runway. Then I had to check my email. Read some blogs that I hadn't read for the last 5 days. Catch up on the sports highlights. Procrastinate a whole bunch.. and I'm still not sleepy. I guess I'm just wired from the 5 hour ride (which I completed in a little more than 4 hours this time. It's amazing how much time I can waste wandering around gas stations.) Anyway, the point is that I should be sleeping now. Its not that big of a deal. I only have to work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday this week. I guess I can catch up on sleep on Wednesday (which I have off because I was supposed to work on Saturday, before my *cough cough* sick time. Let's see what else is going on with me...

I came up with my preliminary plan to bring R Jizzy back to the blog world. I hope it works out. I'm gonna start that in November. The plan is to post every day next month. I did that last year and that's how me and Jam got cool. Speaking of Jam.. she's coming to Atlanta in a couple of weeks as Joy already knows from the text messages Jam sent from my phone. I promise none of those messages came from me, Joy! Any inappropriate comments were all her. My mom is having elbow surgery tomorrow, so think happy thoughts for her. She's funny. She called me tonight and told me to tell "my friend" she said hi. LOL. I'll be 34 in 34 days, so get your money together to buy me stuff. Okay, let me stop putting all my random thoughts in this one post and force myself to get some sleep. I'll be around your neck of the blog woods later today. Peace!!!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Team Chat

I mentioned before that I work with the greediest co workers on the earth. This is an actual group IM session from last Friday. They talk about food all day...

Jr [1:21 PM]:

kj [1:23 PM]:
hey sf

sf [1:24 PM]:
good afternoon

Rashan [1:24 PM]:

RF [1:24 PM]:

TW [1:26 PM]:

JR [1:28 PM]:
JR [1:28 PM]:
Please let me know I have menu's at my desk....

TW [1:29 PM]:
i hate when i have to order food when im full, i never want anything

sf [1:30 PM]:

sf [1:30 PM]:
u will later cafe is closed

ll [1:34 PM]:
Hi team do you want to do a pot luck or order out on monday

rf [1:35 PM]:
now you KNOW LL I don't get paid until Wednesday.....

sf [1:35 PM]:
good thought since cafe is clsd

jr [1:36 PM]:
I want to

sf [1:36 PM]:
we could do pizza

tw [1:36 PM]:
i'm making spaghetti sunday. i could being that

tw [1:37 PM]:
it will be plenty

sf [1:37 PM]:

Jr [1:37 PM]:
Rf you know you have a box a brownie mix on hand at all times

tw [1:37 PM]:
i dont have any money

tw [1:37 PM]:

tw [1:37 PM]:

tw [1:37 PM]:
hush jr

tw [1:38 PM]:
i mean sf

tw [1:38 PM]:
good grief

tw [1:38 PM]:
i need a nap

rf [1:38 PM]:
Good tw, that will go well withmy boloney sandwich.

tw [1:38 PM]:

sf [1:41 PM]:

rf [1:41 PM]:

rf [1:50 PM]:
can we adjust the ac?

rf [1:50 PM]:
tw is burningup

sf [1:51 PM]:

sf [1:51 PM]:
sh ecan move her seat

sf [1:51 PM]:
she can

lw [1:54 PM]:

lw [1:54 PM]:

lw [1:55 PM]:

jr [1:59 PM]:
If you order a small crack fries $2.45 lg $3.95

tw [2:11 PM]:
aint nobody trading your baked spaghetti.

yw2:12 PM]:
unless you want to some clam chowder!

tw [2:12 PM]:
from a can.....

sf [2:12 PM]:
i have meatballs

tw [2:13 PM]:
im sure you do Sf....I've always known that you have "meat"balls

ll [2:13 PM]:

lw [2:14 PM]:

tw [2:15 PM]:
who has a menu

kj [2:15 PM]:

sf [2:17 PM]:
you know i love "meat"balls

tw [2:23 PM]:

lw [2:24 PM]:

tw [2:25 PM]:
then you should really enjoy it

tw [2:25 PM]:
i am being so mean today!

rf {2:25 PM]:
uh huh.....

tw [2:26 PM]:
i think its because bm isn't here

tw [2:26 PM]:
i'm filling in for her

tw [2:26 PM]:
so don't blame me, blame her

tw [2:26 PM]:
sorry Lw! I still love ya

jr [2:30 PM]:
would anyone be interested in karoke

tw [2:31 PM]:

jr [2:31 PM]:
rf and I think it would be fun

jr [2:33 PM]:
tw are you having crack fries today?

tw [2:33 PM]:
no fries but maybe something else

jr [2:34 PM]:
ohh ok

jr [2:37 PM]:
kj are you ordering w/ us today?

kj [2:54 PM]:
sorry jr for the delayed response.....

kj [2:55 PM]: going to eat chik fillet

kj [2:55 PM]:
however u spell it

kj [2:55 PM]:
thanx tho

tw [3:01 PM]:

jr [3:01 PM]:
No problem

tw [3:01 PM]:
but you go ahead and eat your chik fillet kebony, im sure it will be good

sf [3:04 PM]:
ice cream, small

sf [3:04 PM]:
in cup w/cone on top, pls

tw [3:16 PM]:
can i get some ice cream too?

kj [3:30 PM]:
how long does it take (redacted)

tw [3:30 PM]:
ill tell you if you buy me an ice cream

sf [3:30 PM]:
2 days

tw [3:31 PM]:
thanks a lot sf

tw [3:31 PM]:
2 days Kj

sf [3:31 PM]:
ur late

tw [3:31 PM]:

tw [3:31 PM]:
im hustling here

tw [3:33 PM]:

kj [3:35 PM]:

tw [3:36 PM]:
so KJ, is that a yes on the ice cream?

jr [3:40 PM]:
I am ordering from wing factory at 4 anyone else?

kj [3:40 PM]:
what r u gonna buy me?

jr [3:41 PM]:

tw [3:41 PM]:
IF they take credit cards you good.

kj [3:41 PM]:

tw [3:41 PM]:
i can definitely afford Nothing!

tw [4:18 PM]:
kj, what time do you have lunch?

kj[4:18 PM]:
5 pm

tw [4:18 PM]:
aer you going to chik fil a

jr E [5:08 PM]:
For Monday are we just bringing in items like potlucking or are we going to order pizza?

rashan [5:10 PM]:
thanks jr for the fries

dw [5:13 PM]:
(redacted achievement)

lw [5:14 PM]:

jr [5:24 PM]:
ur welcome

rw [6:10 PM]:
(lesser redacted acheivement)

ll [6:10 PM]:

dw [6:11 PM]:
that doesnt top my (redacted achievement)

sf [6:11 PM]:

Rashan [6:11 PM]:
wasn't trying to

Rashan [6:11 PM]:

dw [6:11 PM]:
but u failed

ll [6:11 PM]:

Rashan [6:11 PM]:
i cant fail if i wasn't trying

dw [6:11 PM]:

Rashan [6:11 PM]:
i want you to feel good about yourself today

Rashan [6:12 PM]:
i know how low your self esteem is.

JR [6:12 PM]:

JR E [6:13 PM]:

Dw [6:13 PM]:
yea ouch foreal

Rashan [6:13 PM]:
too much? lol

DW [6:13 PM]:
maybe your confusing me with your girlfriend??

LL [6:13 PM]:

TW [6:13 PM]:

RW [6:13 PM]:
nah, she got mad high self esteem

DW [6:14 PM]:

DW [6:14 PM]:
i thought you were my friend!

DW [6:15 PM]:
my heart is broken

RW [6:15 PM]:
I am... that's why I want you to feel good about yourself and your lil (redacted achievement)

RW [6:15 PM]:
you know your (redacted achievement) and my (redacted lesser achievement) gets us the same amount of points, right?

DW [6:16 PM]:
im done with this conversation

RW [6:16 PM]:
don't go

RW [6:16 PM]:
i have more sarcasm left!!!

TW [6:16 PM]:

JR [6:17 PM]:

90 Minutes later...

LW [7:45 PM]:

LW [7:45 PM]:

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

And Now... A Word From Our Sponsor

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Monday, October 13, 2008

Things I Did At Work Today

Today is Columbus Day, which may not be a big deal for you, but in the banking industry, it means that offices are closed. Well, most offices. Not mine for example... We are here... but I'm not doing a thing. Here's what I did at work today...

Clock watched.
Completed 2 USA Today Crossword puzzles
Watched TV on my computer.
Made snarky comments to other people
Clock watched some more.
Rated movies on Netflix.
Made a grocery list that I wont use
Read in depth analysis of week 6 of the NFL
Clock watched one mo gin
Listened to the greediest co workers in the world talk about food for 5 hours.
Listened to my iPod.
IM'd with my cool coworker.
Listened to a dude go through marraige counseling in the office.
Played spades.
Talked on my cell phone at my desk contrary to company policy.
Clock watched a whole bunch more.
Got paid time and a half for nothing.

I probably should have been blogging but I didn't feel like it. Plus there weren't too many updates today. Okay, I'm off to watch the clock for one more hour. I'M SO BORED!!!! Have a good day!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Honest Blogger Award

Tom Gurl, Veronica, and Joy all hit me with this certified honest blogger thingy. I read the rules and it doesn't say anything about adding 10 Honest Things, but that became the de facto way of doing this tag in the blog world. I guess I'll participate... First the rules... then the honesty:

1.) When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2.) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3.) Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’
4.) Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5.) And then we pass it on!

1. I once inadvertently slept with a prostitute My homeboys set it up for my 24th birthday. I just thought the chick was into me. I never told anyone about this...

2. I'm not really a jerk, its just my blog persona. I created this niche when I first started and I didn't know how to let it go. It's hard to keep it up. I even act this way when I'm talking to people from the blog world in person. Jameil is the only one that knows that I'm a really a nice guy.

3. I cried watching The Notebook... and Bridges of Madison County...and The Lake House.

4. I was born with 12 toes. The extra two were removed, but I'm still self conscious about my feet to this day.

5. I have a cousin that is in a catatonic state. I can't bring myself to go visit him. I went once and was so freaked out that I haven't been back in 4 years.

6. I was in a rap group that you may or may not have heard of before they blew up to semi famous status. I quit the group cuz they didn't like to practice and were high all the time when we were supposed to be in the studio. Next thing you know they were on the radio and I was sitting at home mad and broke.

7. I used to be a small time weed man. I wasn't really that good at it, since Kareem and Tori used my stash as their own personal candy store and I let them. Plus I was always scared to carry more than an ounce on me, cuz that's a felony and under an ounce is a misdemeanor.

8. I'm gonna stop blogging on December 10, 2010. That'll be 5 years in the game. I want to have 1000 posts by then. I'm only at about 600 now, so I'll have to post pretty regularly for the next couple of years.

9. I think I maybe, possibly, could have a daughter. The mother says its not mine, but the timing seems to fit. The uncertainty kills me, but I don't really have any legal right to DNA test someone's kid.

10. I'm not supposed to tell anyone yet, but since I'm being honest I will. I'm moving to Gainesville to be closer to Jameil when my lease is up in January. I already put in for a transfer at the job and I'm just waiting to hear back about an apartment down there. She doesn't believe in shacking up, so we are gonna live separately until we get married. October 17th is the big day!! I hope she doesn't kill me for spilling the news.

Now, I'm supposed to tag 7 people, but I don't do that... Also, I should tell you that all of these are lies. LOL. I couldn't think of 10 more honest things about me. I do that all the time. Also, why is this called an award? Am I the only one that noticed this is just a tag. Don't dress it up as something it's not.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Thursday Thirteen: Stalkers!!! *NOW WITH LINKS!!!*

My favorite subject. LOL. Today's Thursday Thirteen is all about my stalkers. These are people that have for one reason or another chosen to fixate on me, give me unwanted attention and generally harass me. I'm also aware that this post is on some epic Tolstoy length stuff, so get over it and get ready to laugh. Or don't. See if I care. LOL

EDIT - I finally added the links... If you read them already, just skip 'em. If not, feel free to peruse at your will. Also, something is wrong with my comments again. I have to refresh like 3 times to see them. If you don't see your comment, it probably got saved, but it's just not showing. Refresh and it should come up.

1 . Nigerian Stalker – gave her my phone number to help her with an interview. She got the job and to show her undying thanks, she decided that she would become my woman, whether I wanted it or not. She started calling incessantly, coming by my office at work, offering to take me out. (Here's a link from when it was actually happening. I had forgotten about some of this.)I got out of that situation by being a Rashan… I mean being a jerk. I was so mean to her and it was funny to me. I couldn’t be overtly hostile to her since we worked together, but I found ways to psychologically injure her. The final straw was when she got her hair cut and was so proud of it. I just looked at her with the stank face and said:” You cut your hair. Hmm.” It really did look good, but she wasn’t getting no encouragement from me. She started crying and left me alone for about 3 months.

2. Michaela – She was a friend of a friend. I knew her in high school, but I guess I didn’t become a catch to her until after I graduated. I used to give my other friend a ride home, and without fail, Michaela used to be outside her house when we got there. I was still green, so I thought it was a coincidence until one day the three of us were talking. She went on for about 5 minutes about my lips and gave me her phone number despite my protestations that I had a girlfriend. After that, she would show up at my friends crib at 8:00 every night. I wonder how long she waited out there on the days I didn’t give her a ride home.

3. Janelle – not her real name, but some people that know her may be reading this blog. Anyway, she was this real dumb girl I used to work with. Let me not call her dumb, cuz I found out that she was in a car accident and wasn’t that way before. Anyway, she used to follow me around the building all the time, despite the fact that she had a live in baby daddy and was getting steadily knocked down by this lame dude in the office. When I used to walk by her desk, she would always try to smell me. “Rashan, you smell so good. Come closer.” Then she would try to molest me. LOL. She also was found of touching my tie and gazing lovingly in my eyes as she spoke. I wrote about her on my old blog. It’s called No-Doz Girl. That was a wild story.

4. Sallie – She was a little different. She didn’t have any romantic notions about me. She just wanted my money. Well, technically it was her money since I borrowed it from her, but apparently I wasn’t coming fast enough with it. Son, when I tell you she used to track me down. I mean, from my crib, to my grandma’s crib, to the job, Sallie was always around or always calling. I eventually gave her the money so she would stop harassing me. Darn student loans. Sorry, it took so long Sallie Mae.

5. Rosilyn – When I wrote about this one before, I called her my first stalker. I now realize she wasn’t. But she definitely the creepiest at the time. I was 19 working in the kitchen area of a hospital. It started out with secret admirer notes and progressed to crappy gifts. I was flattered at first, but by the time she revealed herself I was getting really annoyed. I had a girlfriend and these anonymous letters and promises to show herself were wack. I wish she woulda stayed secret though. Ol girl was 41.. Had a daughter 2 years younger than I, and looked like Biggie Smalls. After I rebuffed her, she followed me home one day, and I used to see her driving down the cul de sac peering out the window. Creepy.

6. Raquel – this one was kinda sweet. She lived down the street from me. She was a freshman when I was a senior. She had liked-ed me in a sweet innocent type of way. The thing is she used to come to my door to hang out after school, while I was trying to watch Rap City. Or knock on my door to escort me to the bus stop. Or show up outside my classes. She wasn’t so much a stalker as had a school girl crush, but I need 13 of these things so I’m stretching. LOL

7. Colonel Whatever-his-name-was – Yeah, so in high school they made us take the ASVAB (I think that’s what it’s called) Apparently my scores were phenomenal, cuz this dude kept calling my crib trying to get me to join the army as an officer. If you knew me in high school, you know the LAST thing I was gonna do was join the military. First of all, I had issues with being told what to do. Secondly, I didn’t even say the Pledge for Pete’s sake so I’m sure not gonna go fight for America. Thirdly, I don’t know if you remember a little conflict called Operation Desert Storm? Yeah, that was around this time. So, no, I’m not going into the army. But the colonel kept calling, coming up to the school and even was waiting at the crib one Saturday afternoon, while I was out playing football with the boys. Crazy military stalker!

8. Brian – Back when I was a budding rapper (LOL!!!) I was always trying to find someone to give me some beats that I could flow to. Brian was a producer from out of Atlanta. He said he had some beats for me to rhyme to. So, I took the tape home and listened and that mess SUCKED!!! I mean, the beats all sounded like they were made on a home Casio, all generic drums and synthesized melodies. I told him it wasn’t my style and thought that was the end of it. Every week, Brian kept coming back with wack Maxell tapes of wack beats. I couldn’t escape this dude. I started varying my patterns around the school, but he always found me. I wonder where he is now. He’s probably making beats for Jim Jones or somebody.

9. Blog Stalker – Yeah, this can be one of three, so if you are one of them and you think I’m bringing up old stuff by talking about you, I’m not. I’m talking about the other one. LOL

10. Nailah – Go head Diva. Tell me told you so. A chick I knew from back in the day who tryna hard to get at me. I mean, walking around my crib buck naked trying to entice me. I wrote about it here. I had a girl. I chose my girl over her. We were friends so she didn’t get labeled as a stalker at the time. Fast forward 9 years, I see her again. We get cool for a minute, but then she tries that same old stuff. This time she was staying with me and was supposed to be in the spare bedroom. I go to turn off all the lights and stuff and next thing I know, she’s buck naked in my bed. When that didn’t work, a couple of days later she sends me text messages offering herself up and just in case I thought she was joking, she called and made it clear. I was like nope, I’m good. So then, I’m meeting Jameil. I told Nailah I was out of town with Jameil, but she kept calling and texting. One text said “Do you have a hairy back.” I was done. I was like no more nice guy for me. I’m just not gonna have any contact with her at all. So, I ignored emails, calls, texts and myspace messages for about a month and she slowed up. I just hope she don’t show up at my crib.

11. Lawrence J. Silvers – Back when I was managing at another bank, I rarely took phone calls from customers. It had to be an extenuating circumstance to get me on the phone. This guy was one of them. He had been calling and harassing my employees for 2 days over nothing. I personally thought he was just a nut who wanted someone to talk to and berate. After the 5th rep spoke to him, I told her to send me the call. I started off with my spiel like always, but this dude was not having it. I swear he kept me on the phone for an hour. An hour that I could have used to blog or do payroll whichever was more pressing at the time. Anyway, we weren’t talking about a thing, so I ended the call. He called back and someone gave him my direct number. I told him what his options were. We can talk about business or we can NOT talk. That was my show stopping line. That usually kept things moving, but not with this guy. He called me a “young aggressive arrogant punk” and vowed that he would get me fired. I wasn’t scared, but I was done talking to him. Remember when I said someone gave him my direct number? Well, one morning I checked my voicemails from home (which I often did b/c I was often not in the office when I was supposed to be) and had 17 messages from him. This cat was cursing me out, threatening me, all kinds of buffoonery. I contacted our Office of the President and told them what was up. They closed his account and told him not to call anymore, but yeah, he wasn’t hearing it. He started calling from pay phones and blocked numbers. This kept up for a good 3 months. Oh and get this… he said he was a lawyer, but he lived in various seedy hotels and picked his mail up from the post office, so nobody could trace his whereabouts.

12. The (most recent) Work Stalker – She got my number b/c a group of us were supposed to go out one day. She used it for her own personal gratification. I talked to her once and then she started calling like 3 times a day. I told her to cool out. She did. I should have seen the signs but I forgave her thinking, she doesn’t know I don’t like people calling me that much. We IM’d at work, were pretty cool at work. She invited me to her birthday party. Turned out to be just me and her. She tried to put the moves on me, which I rebuffed. (different link) She sent me an email basically fed exing the drawers to me. I posted it on my blog. She said she was 35, she was really 42. She phone stalked, IM stalked, eye stalked at work. After I called her a stalker to her face, she said that I’m not really this mean and she was gonna get to know the real me. Sorry, this is the real me. LOL Finally got rid of her by changing departments at work.

13. Veronica – No, not the blogger. You’re cool with me. But this crazy girl did and does so much crazy I don’t know where to start. Let’s see… I should start with the burying chicken bones in my yards trying to put roots on me. Or should I start at the brewing weed in my iced tea so I wouldn’t go home. Or perhaps, the telling people that I was the father of her kids that were conceived well before I met her. Or perhaps, how she threatened to beat up my girlfriend and my female friends. Or how she threatened to kill herself when I broke up with her. Or how she found my grandma’s house (she had never been there) and went looking for her there. Or how she got my mom’s phone number out my phone and called her and told her that we were getting married (she had no idea who Veronica was.) Or how she still sends me a MySpace message every month even though its clear I will not be responding to anything she has to say. Or… okay, let me stop before this post gets even longer. LOL I always tell people, if I’m inexplicably murdered or kidnapped, start with Veronica, Queen of the Stalkers!!!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Rainy Day Reflections

It hasn’t rained in Atlanta since September 12th. No I didn’t count the days. I read that on yahoo or something.

The first 2 songs that played on my iPod today: "It Never Rains in Southern California" by Tony!Toni!Tone! and “Rainy Dayz” by Raekwon. Spooky, my iPod has psychic abilities. Darn artificial intelligence!!! It’s gonna kill us all!!!

Speaking of rain songs… I need to download Guns N Rose’s “November Rain.” That song rocked!

Why come women that wear wigs are afraid to let the rain touch them?

If you are a man and you have an umbrella that is any other color than black, brown or blue, you are suspect to me.

If you are a man and you have a rainbow colored umbrella, you are ghey!

Why are people scared of thunder? Lightning I could understand, but thunder is just sound.

When I was a kid living in NY, whenever it rained there would be hundreds of earthworms all over the sidewalks. Have you ever cut one in half and see both halves still moving? Me either, that’s like serial killer stuff. *plays it off by whistling*

Here’s what I want to happen. Next time there’s a loud thunder clap, I want nobody to say, Can we go home? You aren’t going home. The computers will not go out. The lights may go out for .72 seconds. We have generators. The phones will still work. The cables are underground. You aren’t going home so stop asking. Thanks in advance.

Is it weird that I spent my lunch standing outside in the rain? Yes, I had an umbrella. It was just soothing. I do that sometimes.

What is it about rain that makes it more conducive to sleep than say a blizzard? Or 100 degree heat. Everybody says that rain is sleepy weather, but not so much for me. Then again, nothing is sleepy weather for me.

Guess what? It’s just water. It’ll dry. So what my shirt is peppered with rain drops. I’m not soaked, I’m not drenched, its’ gonna be okay.

I really should do something about the water that leaks into my car. But what? A sealant or something? It trickles in right at the front windshield.

I really wish Make it Rain never made it out the clubs. I don’t need to hear the phrase being used at inopportune times. Like at work for instance. Someone sells something and they talk about making it rain… No, that’s not what that means. Stop it. Sincerely yours, A former strip club connoisseur.

Remember Acid Rain? Back in the 80’s that was supposed to be the big thing that was gonna kill us all, but I haven’t heard anything about it lately.

You see how I did an entire post about rain? I really need some blog inspiration. I’m stretching for stuff to write about. LOL

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

One Man Poll*

Breaking Poll Results…. 100% of members of Rashan Jamal’s household are tired of polls.

Further Polling reveals the wide gap between those that want more polls and those that wish they would just stop. 98% of participants say that polling is unreliable while 2% remain undecided.

Another Gallup Poll of 1 registered voter in Dekalb County, Georgia presents some shocking results. 97% of those surveyed say that polls can be manipulated to suit any point of view. One poll participant added, “depending on what newspaper or tv station you watch, either Obama’s gonna win or McCain is gonna win. Guess what? I did not know that. Thanks for explaining 50/50 to me.”

Pollsters continued to survey voters in an effort to paint the true picture of how people feel about polls. A recent
CNN/USA TODAY poll reveals that some voters (99%) believe that polls should only be conducted by people you’ve heard of. This serves as a bad sign for the Beauxdreaux Aloyishus Polling Academy which has been training annoying people to poll since 2006.

And in a surprising turn of events, a whopping 99.9% of sarcastic bloggers that have nothing else to write about reveal the truth about polling. The numbers mean nothing in most cases. They only serve as false security for dummies or false hope for the deluded. The campaign is never over based on what 750 people or some other ridiculously small cross section of society that answers unknown phone numbers think. Also, people lie. They’ll say one thing but vote another. Bradley Effect anyone? (I should really link that.) Or how about the 2000 election when people went to bed thinking Gore won and woke up finding out that nobody won. Then finding out that Bush’s brother stole Florida for him… Wait, that’s not what I was talking about. The point is anyone can do a poll and get any answer they want. I’m just tired of it.

*all polls have a margin of error of +/- 4%.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I'm Barack Obama

and I approve this blog post!

Let me start from the beginning. Last week, I was serving as a mentor for some new hires. They call it On The Job training coach. The way that works is this: There is one coach responsible for every 2 new hires. Our job is to get them acclimated to our computer systems, our clients, basically get them ready to be successful in their new job. There are 3 weeks of OJT. Each week, the number of coaches is reduced. The 2nd week the ratio is 3 to 1, the last week its 5 to 1. The way that we determine which coaches will return each week is kind of like "Survivor." The new hires do a survey evaluating their coach and the ones with the highest scores stay "on the island." This training class, the OJT manager decided to add an additional wrinkle to the voting process. This time, not only do the new hires evaluate you, the fellow coaches also do a survey.

This brings us to Friday. The work week officially ended at 7 PM. The only thing left to do was to find out which coaches would be returning the following week. The OJT manager decided to not only tell us who was returning, but to also give us feedback as to why or why not. She did it in alphabetical order, and with my last name starting with W, I was the last of the 8 coaches to find out. I sat there for 55 minutes just waiting. I wasn't anxious, because I knew it was a popularity contest that I had no control over. If I came back, fine, if not, that was okay too. At least I had one week of doing no work. When she finally called me, I was ready for either eventuality.

She started going over my scores. My mentees graded me perfect 10s, the highest possible score. They had some nice things to say about me. I already knew this because even though they weren't supposed to discuss their responses with me, they did. Then came the peer reviews. Mostly 9s and 10s from the first few with some good feedback. I was feeling pretty good about my chances for return. Then the manager reads the last one...

"Rashan can be kind of arrogant. He thinks he knows everything and often will disagree with other coaches in front of new hires."

What!?!? That was a bit of a shock. This is not the first time I've been called arrogant, but not in the training class. I had no idea where this was coming from. I had no run ins with anyone, or no occasions where I corrected any of my fellow coaches. I didn't understand this one. The manager continued.

"Rashan can be elitist. He doesn't participate with the rest of the coaches"

Word?!? I talk to everyone. I remembered specific examples when I not only shared my ideas, but asked for input from my peers. I'm an elitist in real life, but I'm not that way at work. This was a collaborative effort and I made a concious effort to contribute to the team environment.

"Rashan does not always communicate well with his fellow coaches. He does what he wants to do regardless of if the rest of us are doing it."

Ummm... yeah, I'm a need an example of that. It's a pretty structured environment. We are all doing the same things at the same time. This sounds like a hater is in the building. This person rated me 6 and 7. The OJT manager was taken aback too. She said that she didn't see any of these characteristics from me and was not sure where it was coming from. She considered it flawed feedback, and would try to get some clarification from the person that provided it. The only thing is, the surveys are anonymous, so she didn't know who it was.

The thing about it is, I do know who gave it. Not exactly, but I can narrow it down to 2 suspects. I hate to say it, but it had to be one of the two white men that were in the group. The others in the group, I could identify by the words they used. Like the black woman who spells "implement" incorrectly all the time and did in the survey. Or the Hispanic guy that always says "elaborate" and did in his survey. Someone calling me "arrogant" and "elitist" was just too reminiscent of what they were saying about Barack. I guess they wanted me to stay in my place and stop being so uppity. My face was hot as I heard this feedback, but I took it like a man, a professional man and kept it moving. With this hater's rating, I was .002 percentage points from being able to return to coaching next week. That didn't bother me too much. If I just didn't get chosen because I wasn't good enough, or if I did something wrong that would be no biggie. But for someone to straight up lie to keep me out of the training class bothered me.

I'm Barack Obama and I'm arrogant and elitist. But also like Barack, I didn't lose control and show them that it bothered me. Sure, inwardly, I was heated by this, but outwardly I kept my cool. Never let them see you sweat.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Thirteen Words I Use Too Frequently

Thirteen Words I Use Too Frequently (Not to be confused with words YOU use too frequently LOL)

1. Crazy – everything is crazy. Did you see that car right there? That joint was crazy. Did you hear Andre 3000’s verse? It was crazy, yo! That dude over there talking to himself? He’s crazy! I think my overuse of the word diminishes the actually crazy things that I see all the time.

2. So – I always start my sentences with so… Par example.. So, I was drinking some Hennessy last night… Or… So, why exactly do you expect me to care? I use it on my blog all the time, but I can’t stop.

3. Jerk – most often used to describe myself. I wear it like a badge of honor. But I still use it too much.

4. Mad – Mad is my favorite qualifier. Saying it’s hot is not enough. I have to say its MAD hot. Or it Mad Sahara Desert like in here. I sometimes forget that I haven’t lived in New York in over 20 years. I need to let the slang go.

5. Dramatic – I don’t know if you know this, but I think just about everybody is dramatic. Like they get excited and emotional over things that don’t require excitement and emotions. I’m always calling somebody dramatic, thus the word is overused in my vocab.

6. Nah – I don’t say no, I say Nah. Nah, I ain’t hanging out with you. Nah, I’m not gonna call her back. Etc. Etc. Etc.

7. Uh –Huh – I don’t say yes. I say, “uh-huh” Except when I’m at work, and then it’s a conscious effort to actually say yes and stay professional.

8. Wayne – this one is not my fault. If Lil Wayne would stop making so many songs, and people would finally catch on that he’s not that good, then I would be able to stop saying “Lil Wayne Sucks!” Come on, help me out with this one please!!!

9. Yeah – I not only say this when I’m responding in the affirmative, I also say it like Blumberg in Office Space. Elongated.. Yeeeeah, I’m gonna need you not to talk to me for about 3 hours and twelve minutes.”

10. For real? – I know, technically a phrase, but I use it a lot nonetheless. It expresses my minor surprise and/or disgust with what someone just said or did. Ex. For Real? You really came to work wearing plaid pants, a striped vest and a tie with our company logo on it? (True story, btdub)

11. Nigga- I don’t really say this one out loud too much, but when I’m writing or thinking it comes out. I’m not tryna get into a debate about the N word. I’m not telling anyone else to stop using it, I’m not gonna stop using it. But I’m trying to cut down. LOL

12. Hey – I don’t really use this one too much, but I’m self conscious about it for two reasons. First, this is the most Southern thing that I say. Even though, I’m Georgia born, and Georgia bred (after age 11), when I first moved down South, people were saying “hey” instead of hello or what’s up. I prided myself on trying to be more New York than them. The second reason is that TV show “Felicity.” Yes, I watched a show about a white college girl, but I don’t wanna talk like one. I know these are ridiculous reasons, but they are honest ones.

13. Yo! – Yo to me is what MFer is to Bernie Mac. I can use it a number of different ways in the same conversation. I can use it to refer to a person. (What up, Yo!?!) I can use it to respond to someone who is trying to get my attention (Rashan? Yo? What’s Up?) I can use it to emphasize a point. (Yo, for real, I was bugging out when I seen that.) I can use it to get someone’s attention (Ay, yo!! Come here for a second!) I can use it to express shock (YOOOOOO!!! I can’t believe you sent me that video with the two girls and one cup!) The list is infinite. I still have to figure out how to use it as a verb. LOL

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Reason # 4

Reasons why Rashan should not eat lunch in the cafeteria at work:

Reason # 1: I get the itis something serious. Like I eat and immediately find myself in need of a siesta.

Reason # 2: It cuts down on my blogging time. They actually had me doing work this morning, so I wasn’t able to read and comment like I expected to.

Reason # 3: It’s mad expensive. Well, not mad expensive, but it costs more than going to Chik Fil A or Wendy’s. They have this food of the day bar that costs like 5.99 a pound. That may not sound like a lot, but it can add up. Today was Soul Food day. Once people got through piling chicken, macaroni, greens and biscuit on their plates, it can easily go over the $10 range (and no, I didn’t get that.)

Reason # 4: My least favorite. People feel like if I’m eating lunch, that they can talk to me. I don’t have that kind of face. I know I don’t. I don’t smile or make eye contact, but these people still come and sit down with me. Never mind, that I was listening to my iPod, or playing with my phone, they still come to hang out with me. It happened again today…

I’m sitting in the cafe eating my Stromboli, listening to some Tony!Toni!Tone! when this dude comes and sits down. Mind you, I didn’t invite him to sit, nor did I express any interest in having company. But he did it anyway. A little background, this is a guy I used to work with about 6 months ago. He left and just came back last week. We affectionately used to call him “Serial Killer” cuz he was just creepy (behind his back of course. I ain’t tryna get serial killed.) I also wrote this post about him when I thought he was a child molester. He had a way of leering at people (men and women) and walking up close to people when they were talking that was just off putting. To top it off, this dude could insert himself in any conversation, and then hold it by himself. So, when he sat down I knew what I was in for. He proceeds to tell me why I haven’t seen him in 6 months. I didn’t ask of course, but he told me nonetheless. The story started out with a car accident, then led to a thyroid condition and then led to anxiety attacks and trouble breathing. He talked for 7 minutes straight. Yes, I counted. I didn’t say anything to encourage him. Instead, I kept my ear buds in and listened to Raphael Saadiq sing “Still A Man.” I kept my eyes on my food and my phone in the hopes that he would just go away, but nope, he was not dissuaded. When I finished my food, I got up to throw my food away, told him goodbye, and started back up the stairs to my desk. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THIS NUT FOLLOWED ME?!?! Yep, he kept on talking as I kept on not listening. I got up the stairs, and said “Aiight, man. I gotta go back to work now.” When I was sure he was gone, I ducked back outside through the side stairwell to make a phone call. Guess who I saw? The serial killer dude!! Oh well, now he knows that I was avoiding him. I hope he doesn’t make me his next victim.