Thursday Thirteen: 13 Ways I Am NOT Hip Hop

Everybody who knows me, knows that I am hip hop. Yeah, except for when I'm not. Here are 13 ways I am NOT hip hop:


1 Buffy Gilmore in the OC – I be watching some of the whitest shows in the history of television. It doesn’t matter to me. I just enjoy good writing, compelling plots, acting ability. At the same time, I don’t watch a lot of the black shows. It’s not a self hating thing, it’s a them hating thing. I hate wackness and I won’t settle for it just because we are the same race.

2 French Club President – How hip hop is that? I was French Club president in high school. I wish I could still speak French, but I can’t. I remember my French teacher, Mrs. Lebos found me a French rapper’s cd. His name was MC Solaar. I would link stuff, but I’m at work and lazy. He was okay, but I didn’t understand much of what he was saying.

3 Can’t Take That Away From Me – yeah, I know way too many songs from musicals. I don’t even know how I know them, cuz I don’t be watching musicals. But invariably at some point of a conversation, one of Gilbert and Sullivan’s greatest hits may pop in my head. Not very hip hop I know, but if Jigga can sample Hard Knock Life and get a hit, then I can randomly tell people that once you’re a jet you’re a jet to your last cigarette…

4 DJ Overrated On The Wheels of Steel – I really think the DJ gets too much credit. It’s not like back in the day when they would actually produce and scratch. Why do you get props for playing already made music? I can do that. I can put my ipod on shuffle and achieve that. And the talking over the beat? Just mad annoying!

5 Scared of guns – Can I be part of the hip hop culture without owning or ever firing a gun? I guess its even worse that I’m deathly afraid of guns. I have good reasons (almost getting shot 3 times) but I guess that ain’t really hip hop.

6 Radio Ethics – Okay, follow me on this one. Rappers are all about saying whatever they want. I don’t have a problem with that. But I do have a problem with the radio playing all kinds of lewd, profane, and drug promoting music when kids can hear it. The obvious “Lollipop” should by no means be played when kids can hear it. That’s why you got lil 4 year olds talking about giving head and not even knowing it. Or even worse, they do know what they are talking about. If you gonna make a radio edit, then edit it right. If you say mother fu.. its very obvious that the next part is cker. I don’t believe in censorship, but I do believe that there is a time and place for everything.

7 Hate jewelry – Yeah, no bling for me. Even back in the day with the truck jewelry like Slick Rick, I wasn’t interested. Now cats are finding new places to encrust with jewels. It’s ridiculous to me. I really don’t need to see platinum eyelashes with diamond teardrops. You are men, so how about not overdoing it with “Girls Best Friend”

8 No homeboys – I ain’t got no posse, no clique, no crew, no mob, no thugs, no wack dudes that I want to sign to my record label. In fact, all my friends are women. Is that hip hop?

9 Sneaker Pimp – I’m not so much into sneakers. I’ve only owned one pair of Jordans – the first ones Red and Black, but I’ve just never been into them. I know that’s a big part of the hip hop culture. We love our kicks, but that’s just not my steez.

10 Dancing Machine – I can’t dance. Phil Collins 1992. How can I be hip hop when all them cats do is make songs telling me to dance? You know what I’m talking about. I can 2 step, but I’m not about to be walking it out to the left and dip baby dipping while doing the butterfly, uh uh that’s old..lemme see you tootsie roll…

11 Chorus – Harmonizing, sight reading, tuxedo shirt, bowtie, cummerbund, singing Christmas Carols. I did manage to keep it hip hop though. I rocked my box and my pants sagged a little and I pimp walked on the stage. LOL

12 N.E.R.D. – I’m a big fat nerd. I know this, and I don’t accept it, I embrace it. I like being the smartest guy in the room. I like knowing about stuff I’m not supposed to know about. I like being weird, odd, whatever you wanna call it. I’m a proud nerd, but a cool one!

13 Start Snitchin’ – Yeah, I know you ain’t supposed to snitch, but there are some times where dropping a dime is necessary. I’m not saying I would snitch on the weedman, but the crack man? Shooooooot! You kill somebody and confess to me? You better hope that I wanted that person dead too… and there’s no reward… and I don’t think that I could possibly be next. I’m a tell. You my co defendant and it comes down to either you or me going to jail? I’m straight snitchin on you! I’m a be just like Mike Vicks homeboys. I’m a be like OJ’s co –ds? I’m too pretty for jail, dawg!!! LMAO!