Conversations With Aristide

So, I’m at work early today doing some training. Got an hour lunch and it’s way too early for me to eat. I decided to sit in the cafeteria and watch some CNN. One table over, Jean-Bertrand Aristide (you know, cuz he’s Haitian) is sitting there talking to everybody and anybody that is in the area. I didn’t have my ipod, but I had my phone. I call Jameil, but she didn’t answer. As a result, the following conversation ensued.

Aristide: Hey, where do you live?
Me: Huh?
Aristide: I see you driving on 285, so you must live out in Stone Mountain.
Me: Tucker (not really, but close enough)
Aristide: These f*ckers are getting on my nerves.
Me: Who?
Aristide: These bastards at (insert company I work for)
Me: Oh
Aristide: They are playing games with my salary.

Five minutes later, he is still talking about something or other about medical leave, and wrong paychecks.

Aristide: Did that ever happen to you?
Me: Did what ever happen?
Aristide: They give you wrong pay.
Me: Nah, I never had a problem.

Aristide: You know, this is first time I hear you talk. I thought you were deaf-mute.
Me: Obviously I can talk if I’m working here.
Aristide: I don’t know… Maybe you use the machine..(imitates typing) What do you call it when deaf people use phone?
Me: The TTD machine?
Aristide: Yes, the DDT machine….

Aristide: I think they soon change dress code. The women are dressing too provocatively.
Me: *laughs*
Aristide: I see this girls entire p****. (points at woman who is too close to be having this conversation)
Me: *blinks*
Aristide: I think she have, what do you call it.. toe of the camel.
Me: *cracks up* Aiight, man. I’m about to go. I’ll see ya around.
Aristide: They leave nothing to imagination.
Me: *walking away* Aiight, I’m out.
Aristide: I can see the crack of…

Man, I wish people would not talk to me.

10 Things I Hate About You

Dedicated to my annoying co worker....

1. You're pretty dumb. You've been working here long enough to know the things that you ask me on a daily basis.

2. Your voice is annoying. I don't know where that accent comes from, but can you give it back?

3. MuthaFu... my name is not Rashad. It's on my name badge, its on my desk, its on my email, my instant messaging. I've told you. Not a "D", an "N".

4. You have the same conversation several times a day. I know the Lakers won. I'm not happy about it either, but it is what it is. No need to rehash it every hour.

5. You think you are an expert in sports, but as far as I can tell you've never picked a winner. Celtics, Rockets, Nuggets, Cleveland.. Its one thing to root for the team, but don't talk big about what's gonna happen, and then come up with excuses once the opposite happens.

6. You be interrupting people's conversations. Son, do you see me talking? Well, I wasn't talking to you. Wait your turn, better yet raise your hand and wait for me to call on you.

7. How old are you anyway? You look like about 60, but your wife just had a baby? And you got Rick Ross as your ringtone? I don't hate you for being old, I hate you because I can't figure out how old you are. LOL (yes, I know this one was a stretch.)

8. You be looking over my shoulder. Don't worry about what I'm doing on my computer. Don't be trying to look at my Facebook pictures. Or at the very least, at least be discreet about it.

9. You be lying. Why is you lying, yo? Whenever a celebrity is brought up, you say you know them. For real, you went to school with Gabrielle Union? For real, you homeboy is Dwight Howard's step father? For real, random NFL player used to date your sister? Stop lying!!!

10. You talk to me. While I don't mind some people talking to me, you aren't one of them. We aren't friends. I don't like you. That's why I ignore you when you speak. Or pretend to be on the phone, or elongate conversations with other people so I don't have to talk to you. It's also the reason I changed my desk at work. I don't want to hear you drone on and on about stuff I don't care about.

Overheard at Work

Conversation 1

Lesbian Co-Worker: GOD I HATE MEN!!!

Rashan: We hate you too! LOL

Lesbian Co-Worker: Not you, Rashan. You and Al (another co worker) are cool. In fact, you are the only men besides my daddy I like.

Rashan: Wow.

Lesbian Co-Worker: Oh, and Lebron James. You, Al, and Lebron. I hate the rest of them mutha...

Conversation 2:

Rashan: Aiight, y'all. I'm outta here. Good Night.

Co-Worker: You need to stop being so mean.

Rashan: What is you talking about?

Co-Worker: Stop being so mean and you'll find you a good woman.

Rashan: I got one, for about 8 months now.

Co-Worker: See, I know your type. You like pushing people away.

Rashan: Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be working now.

Conversation 3:

Redneck Electrician: Yeah, boy. I tell you my woman dragged me to yoga class.

Black Electrician: Yoga?

Redneck: Yeah, I tell you what. That's not a place that you wanna be with your women.

Black: Why not?

Redneck: There some fine lil honeys bending over and contorting. You cain't help but look.

Black: (laughs)

Redneck: I wanted to do some of them girls downward doggie-style...

Oh, and I forgot to tell you April Fools. LOL!

Segregation

I'm here to tell you that segregation is alive and well. At least it is at my job. I guess it always has been, but I took break at a different time yesterday, with people I don't know, and realized how much birds of a feather truly flocked together. And its not just race, although that is a big factor as well. Here are some of the cliques I noticed...

The Black Group - You'll conversations about For The Love of Ray J, Beyonce and 'em.

The White Group - Usually talking in hushed tones about Obama or Bill O'Reilly. They are out numbered, so they usually huddle together when the topic is controversial.

The Asians - Talking about computers or something.

The Latinos- Don't really know what they are talking about because they alternate between English and Spanish.

Samoans - Do the Humpty Hump.. Do the Humpty Hump... (Just kidding, their aren't any Samoans, but do you remember in that song when randomly bust out with Samoans? Ridiculous..)

Then it breaks down even further....

The Black Hot Girls - These are the ones wearing the tight jeans and heels in the summer, or the tight jeans and furry boots in the winter. They always got their hair done and are talking on the phone or to each other about going out to some club where a celebrity is gonna be.

The Dominican Hot Girls - Always seem angry. Always for some reason sound like they are from New York. Can be heard cursing some one out in English and Spanish loudly. Quick to call the person they are talking to on the phone "stoooopid."

The Black Gay Guys - They sound like a walking stereotype. Many "giirrrrls" and lispy talking about American Idol.

The Black Straight Guys - Sports, Women, Music all day, every day.

The Seth Rogan White Guys - They look like the guy from Knocked Up with the scruffy beard, slacker look. Talking about electronics and World of Warcraft. They are sarcastically funny and never cease to crack me up with their strange sense of humor.

The Mom Jeans group -Talk about their mini vans, or home improvement shows or something that their kid did at school.

The Real Lesbians - look like a guy, talk like a guy, dress like a guy. talk about girls booties.

The Fake Lesbians - look like a girl, talk like a girl, dress like a girl. like girls (most of the time).

The Big Girls - for some reason they all hang out together.

The Storytellers - doesn't matter what race they are, they all hang out together. In the course of 15 minutes you can hear them competing to see who has the most outrageous story. I don't think they even listen to each other, just waiting for a lull to start talking.

The Black White Girls - always talking about how fly Rashan is. How can they get Rashan? Why wont Rashan talk to me? LOL

The Rashan - always by himself. Either on the phone or got the iPod playing. People from all groups talk to him, especially when he doesn't want to hear what they have to say allowing him to notice and document the many different segregated groups at work. Wants to be segregated, but they wont let him. LOL


Is your workplace segregated? What are some of the groups you see at your job?

The Tri-Cities Doppelganger

Apparently I have a doppelganger somewhere in Atlanta. People keep asking me if I went to Tri-Cities High School. Yeah, I didn't. The thing that bugs me the most, is that dumb question that follows: Are You Sure???. Of course, I'm sure. Like I don't know where I went to school. Or if I decided to lie about it, then why would I change my answer just because you asked a second time. The first time I noticed this was this girl at my job. I noticed she was staring at me, but not in that normal "Rashan, I want you" kinda way. LOL. Anyway, I had no idea who she was, but finally after a few days, she decided to speak. This was over a year ago.

"Did you go to Tri Cities?"

"Nah, I didn't go to school up here."

"Are you sure?"

See, that stupid question. I was pleasant about it, but she asked me several more times over the coming months. Apparently, I look just like him. I mean, obviously I wasn't who she was looking for unless I changed my name, or if she never knew that guys name either. A few months later, somebody else asked. This time a guy at the office:

"Ay, dawg. You look real familiar. Did you go to Tri-Cities?"

"Nah."

"You sure?"

Son, come on! I just told you that I didn't go there. I went to school in Savannah. I don't know who this dude is, and whether he owes you money, but I'm not him. Could you please stop looking at me? Again, I'm wearing a name tag. Is Rashan Jamal that dude's name? No, then I guess you can stop giving me that skeptical look.

Then today: I'm getting my hair cut at this barber shop that I've never been to. I'm sitting there getting my hair when the barber asks me.

"You mind me asking where you from?"

"I'm from Savannah."

"Oh, cuz I was about to say, you look just like this n*gga I went to Tri Cities with."

"Nah, wasn't me."

"You sure, my n*gga? That cat, I can't remember his name, but he had that good hair like you."

"Yeah, man pretty sure it wasn't me."

For real, I wonder who this nameless dude is and why these people who are at least 5 years younger than me think I'm him. Apparently, they know him, but they can't remember his name and he must look an awful lot like me. To be honest, I don't even know where Tri-Cities High School is. The only reason I know what it is from an Outkast song. I didn't grow up in Atlanta, didn't move here until I was 25, and I don't know these people. I only hope that my doppelganger doesn't go committing any crimes and send the police my way. Seems like it would be hard to convince them that I'm not him...

Conversation With Mom

"How's Jameil?"

"She's good."

"You guys are hanging in there, huh?"

"Yeah, 7 months."

"Wow, that's good for you. I'm glad you finally have someone that's on your level."

"Yeah."

"I'm glad she's not like all those other girls that used to follow after you."

*laughs*

"She seems like she's not the type to just give you your way all the time."

"Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, I'm happy for you. You guys are cute together. I saw that picture on Facebook."

"Thanks."

"Tell her I said hello."

"Will do."

You, Ma'am, and Your Husband...

... are bad parents. I know what you are going to say. I don't have kids, so who am I to judge? Well, let me answer that for you. I'm a human being. And I have common sense, which apparently, along with basic decency is something you lack. Besides, it's your own fault for telling all your business all unsolicited like that...

So, you and your husband fight. It happens all the time. I'm not saying you should stick together, but for you to just leave the state and not tell your kids where you are going, when you are coming back or if they will ever see you again is NOT acceptable. And you wonder why once you finished going through your "mess" they are reluctant to open up to you. It's not natural for a mother to abandon her kids like that. I don't care what you say, you will not get me to understand that. Let's be clear, if your husband has custody, that's acceptable. For you to not know anything about what's going on in their lives for three years, thats unacceptable. And now you want to be part of their lives again? I pray that they give you a second chance, but I don't blame them if they don't.

Now, your husband? He's an equally piece of crap parent. I understand it may be tough to care for two children on your own, but suck it up. Women do that every day. Get some help, or get over it, but do NOT under any circumstances, abandon your children who have just been abandoned by their mother. Seriously??? You leave your kids with your ex-mistress after you break up? She is not their mother. How in the world could you just dip out on your kids and leave them with a woman they barely know? That is some bull. So, let's just get this straight. 2 kids... mother left them...father left them... How can the two of you live with yourselves?

You, ma'am, and your husband are bad parents. Scratch that, you are bad people. Think I'm being harsh? So what! The opinion of someone who could do that to their kid means nothing to me.

Can We Talk About Something Else?

Anything? Please? I don't want to be anti social (okay, that's a lie), but do we really have to have the same conversation every day? I know we aren't exactly friends, but if we must converse, can we talk about a topic that doesn't involve sports, music, or some woman you think is hot?

I know the Falcons lost. I saw the game, I saw SportsCenter, I read about it on the Internet. I know the college football championship game is on Thursday. Yes, I'm gonna watch it. I know the Celtics have been slumping even losing to my Knicks the other day. Basically, I'm up on all the sports news. I don't really need to recap it with you every day.

And the music? No, I haven't gotten anything new. Even if I did, when I tell you about it, you have NO IDEA who I'm talking about, so why do we continue to have this facade of a conversation? We don't listen to the same music. You like that down south hood music. I like hip hop with actual lyrics and beats that don't sound like they were made on a Casio keyboard. And while I can appreciate a clever line about drugs as much as the next man, "quarter brick, half a brick, whole brick ayyy" doesn't exactly qualify. If that's your ish, as you say, we don't need to talk about music ever again.

And the women? Dawg, for real. I'm 34 years old. I think you are even older than I am. I left the locker room talk when I was actually required to be in a locker room. That's high school stuff, dude. There's nothing wrong with looking at women, but do you really have to look like you been in jail for two years and they done let you loose (Andre 3000, 2008). Do you not see women every day? Is it really a surprise that in a building that is 75% female, there are some attractive ones? Is calling them b*tches really what we are still doing in the '09? It's time to grow up.

Basically, I'm saying this on my blog, because I'm not gonna say it in real life. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU! But if we must can we please find another topic? I don't care what it is. We can talk about the migratory patterns of monarch butterflies for all I care. Anything but sports, music and women. That's been overdone. You're about to make me go back to the old school Rashan that spent his lunch break in the car to avoid these inane conversations. I guess this is why I don't have male friends.

Overheard While Checking The Mail

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Open up! I know you in there"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Stop playing, I see your car out here"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Why you got me out here looking like a fool? Just open the door. Let's talk about this."

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Who is she? Why you picking her over me?"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"I'm a beat that bitch ass when I find her."

*Door Opens - It's another woman*

"Why you making a scene out here. Go on home, you knew what this was"

"But baby..."

*Door Slams*

The Secretive Cradle Robber Conversation.

Actual Work Conversation.

Cast Of Characters:
Rashan
Dark Skinned White Girl (DSWG) - The white girl that talks like a Vivica A Fox movie character.
Yes, I'm A Lesbian (YIAL) - The woman that likes to offer details about her sexuality even when nobody asks.
Kenyan Like Obama (KLO) - the African that talked about the election every day since the primaries.

DSWG: Was that yo guhl I seent you wit at Gladys Knights? (Chicken N Waffles)

Rashan: Yeah.

DSWG: She was SUPER CUTE!

Rashan: I know. (turns away)

DSWG: I didn't want to interrupt that's why I just waved and ish.

Rashan: Yeah, that's cool.

KLO: You saw Rashan's girlfriend? He really has a girlfriend?

DSWG: MMM-HMM. I seen him and his boo. They were super cute together.

YIAL: I thought she lived in Florida.

Rashan: She does. She was up here for Thanksgiving.

YIAL: Hey, she's younger than you right? She's in college?

Rashan: She's getting her Masters. She's not like an 18 year old. I'm not R Kelly or nothing.

YIAL: But she's a young tenderroni, right?

KLO: Rashan, are you a dirty old man?

DSWG: She looked like she was about my age.

Rashan: She's 26.

YIAL: And how old are you?

Rashan: 34.

YIAL: STOP LYING!! YOU ARE NOT 34!

KLO: He is. I've seen his license. I didn't believe him either.

DSWG: SHAWN W(she always calls me by my first and last name) You that old?

Rashan: Yeah, I'm 34.

YIAL: Go head, player! I like young girls too. My wife is a lot younger than me too.

Rashan: She's not a lot younger.

KLO: Yes, she is! That's how men in Kenya are. They like their women younger.

Rashan: Okay, the Rashan portion of this conversation is over...

DSWG: Daaang...it's like that, boo? He don't never talk about his personal life. I knew him for a year and he ain't never said nothing to me.

KLO: How did you know he had a girlfriend? He never talks about himself.

YIAL: Girrrl, you know how I am. I wanna know something, I'm gonna ask.

DSWG: He don't be telling me nuffin'

Rashan: Anytime you want to change the subject...

Excuse Me, Sir or Madam (as the case may be)

Excuse Me, Sir? I don’t know if you realize this but you are wearing bright purple pants. I mean, perhaps you got dressed in the dark and didn’t realize that you are wearing your woman’s pants, but I just thought I should let you know. You probably noticed that them slacks were tight when you put them on, but for some reason that didn’t deter you. And while some may applaud your bold choice of adding black cowboy boots to your ensemble, this untrained eye just thinks you look silly. Perhaps, its Prince day in your department and you are going for the androgynous look. If so, I apologize for bringing this to your attention. I just thought you should know how much of a clown you appear to be.

Excuse Me, Madam? I wanted to let you know that you have the most irritating voice known to man. I wish you didn’t not start sitting directly across from me. Your voice sounds like you swallowed some helium from a balloon, only not as high pitched. I got it: its like you swallowed the helium and its starting to wear off, but it never quite gets back to a normal pitched voice. Also, I don’t hear an accent, but the words you use make me think that English is not your first second or fourth language. Could you kindly do me a favor and reduce the volume of your voice? I know you can’t do anything about the quality of it, but you can at least use what preschool teachers call “your inside voice.” Thanks in advance.

Excuse Me, Ma’am? I can tell you that I really don’t care about you and your girlfriend or as you call her, your wife. I don’t need to know when you fight. I don’t need to hear about what you cooked for her. I don’t need to hear about your bedroom activities. I sure don’t need to hear about how your grown daughter doesn’t liker her. Can you please just keep a few aspects of your home life at the house? I don’t begrudge you having the rainbow so prominently plastered all over your desk, but so much of what you prattle on about would fall into the TMI category by anybody’s standards. Just thought I would let you know.

YES, WE CAN!!!

Can We Get On Your Nerves… Yes, We Can!!!

Being the jerk that I am, I’ve taken to subtly annoying those around me that did not join the Obama movement; Those that thought “No we can’t”. Yeah, you guys were wrong. For the first time in 8 years, its my turn to gloat. Certainly, we can’t be so jerky as to rub the victory in the non believer’s faces.. Wait… YES, WE CAN!!! It’s fun and the best part about it is that, I just work it into regular conversation so they know I’m being sarcastic, but they can’t prove it. Here’s some examples:

Someone at works asks me about a company policy. She say we cant do such and such… YES, WE CAN!!!

Talking to a client manager who asks me if I can do such and such… YES, WE CAN!!! (okay, I don’t know if he was on the team or not, but he was a Red Stater – LOL)

The unit manager that asks "Can we all commit to coming to work on time?" YES, WE CAN!!!! (except for today, I needed a haircut. LOL)

See, it’s fun. You all should try it out when you get a chance. The looks on their faces or the pauses in their voices are priceless. You wont have long to gloat, might as well get it out before the Inauguration!!! Let me know how that works out for you.

Time: 11/02/08 8:00 PM.
Place: The Swamp Restaurant - Gainesville, Florida...

I had just polished off my Hawaiian Burger... The majority of Jameil's Hickory Burger was in a take out box. Also, the waitress just brought the key lime pie that we ordered to go. I'm watching the Simpsons on mute, while waiting for the server to bring the check. Jameil opens the box and tastes the pie. Then she gives me a little piece. We are sitting inside, directly next to the door that leads to the outdoor dining area. An older (60's???) white woman comes inside...

"What were you just feeding him?"

Jam and I look around for a minute to make sure she was talking to us...She was...

"Key Lime Pie"

The woman stands there with her mouth wide open. I didn't get it at first. Okay, now I get it. She's pretending like she wants to taste some of our pie. We laugh and she starts to walk off. Then she comes back...

"Have you guys voted yet?"

We tell her that we are going to vote on Tuesday. I start to mention something about my experiences trying to early vote, but then realize that would prolong the conversation so I hold my tongue. The woman starts telling us about the importance of voting and how people have to vote...unless they are McCain supporters. They can stay home or vote on Thursday
We laugh some more, but through the jocularity, it hits me... as it hits me every time something like this happens... WE MIGHT HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT!!!

I'm not one for inspiration or motivation, but even cynical old me can't help but feel inspired that in a nation that once considered us 3/5ths of a person, and didn't allow us to vote or even use the same water fountains, a person of African descent is being strongly considered to hold the highest office in the land. And he got there by appealing to all races in this melting pot. If that ain't the American Dream, I don't know what is... I don't know, I guess I'll get back to my regularly scheduled cynicism later, but conversations like this make me feel good about this country. Honestly, I didn't think it was possible. I've never been happier to have been wrong about something in my life. One more day!!!

Today I Should Have Been Anti-Anti-Social

It’s been well established that I am anti social. I just don’t feel like being bothered. I haven’t hung out with the girl that I would have until recently considered my best friend in almost 4 months. I haven’t called her, haven’t really responded in a timely manner to her text messages. I avoided 2 after work functions with the co workers last week. I regularly avoid invitations from people to go out. Not that I am ever doing anything else, but I just didn’t feel like hanging out with them. The thing is, I have readily accessible excuses for not hanging out. Sometimes, I don’t even want to NOT hang out, but I have conditioned myself so much that its like a reflex. Sometimes, its just a reflex….

For instance, let’s take today. I’m at work when one of the Unit managers calls us (the training team) into the office. At first, he’s looking all dire like we did something wrong. He’s fidgeting with papers on his desk looking all nervous…

“You know, I believe in being direct.”

I’m anticipating what could possibly have gone wrong already. It’s only been one day of training so far.

“Anybody want to go to the Thrashers game tonight?”

And then he hands us tickets. That jerk got us good. LOL. Also, they aren’t just regular tickets; they are tickets for our company’s luxury suite at the Phillips Arena. I’ve never gone luxury box before. I’m not much of a hockey fan, but it would be a good experience on the company dime. But in order to get that, I would have to hang out with these same cats I see all day at work. Without thinking, I say:

“Aaaahhh, I wish I would have known. I can’t make it tonight.”

Why did I do that? It was just a reflex. I didn’t even mean it. I wanna go. I guess I can try to say I rearranged my plans, but I’m sure by now, he’s already given my ticket away. Darn this reactionary nature. Darn this anti social behavior. There’s got to be a pill I can take to get rid of this.

Team Chat

I mentioned before that I work with the greediest co workers on the earth. This is an actual group IM session from last Friday. They talk about food all day...

Jr [1:21 PM]:
HEY

kj [1:23 PM]:
hey sf

sf [1:24 PM]:
good afternoon

Rashan [1:24 PM]:
peace!!!

RF [1:24 PM]:
hi

TW [1:26 PM]:
HELLO!!!!!!!!

JR [1:28 PM]:
WE ARE ORDERING FROM WING FACTORY AT 4:00PMISH
JR [1:28 PM]:
Please let me know I have menu's at my desk....

TW [1:29 PM]:
i hate when i have to order food when im full, i never want anything

sf [1:30 PM]:
lol

sf [1:30 PM]:
u will later cafe is closed

ll [1:34 PM]:
Hi team do you want to do a pot luck or order out on monday

rf [1:35 PM]:
now you KNOW LL I don't get paid until Wednesday.....

sf [1:35 PM]:
good thought since cafe is clsd

jr [1:36 PM]:
I want to

sf [1:36 PM]:
we could do pizza

tw [1:36 PM]:
i'm making spaghetti sunday. i could being that

tw [1:37 PM]:
it will be plenty

sf [1:37 PM]:
being????

Jr [1:37 PM]:
Rf you know you have a box a brownie mix on hand at all times

tw [1:37 PM]:
i dont have any money

tw [1:37 PM]:
BRING

tw [1:37 PM]:
sorry

tw [1:37 PM]:
hush jr

tw [1:38 PM]:
i mean sf

tw [1:38 PM]:
good grief

tw [1:38 PM]:
i need a nap

rf [1:38 PM]:
Good tw, that will go well withmy boloney sandwich.

tw [1:38 PM]:
lol

sf [1:41 PM]:
bologne

rf [1:41 PM]:
bologna

rf [1:50 PM]:
can we adjust the ac?

rf [1:50 PM]:
tw is burningup

sf [1:51 PM]:
lol

sf [1:51 PM]:
sh ecan move her seat

sf [1:51 PM]:
she can

lw [1:54 PM]:
WHATCHYALL EATIN TODAY?

lw [1:54 PM]:
I HAVE BAKED SPAGHETTI IF NE ONE WANTS TO TRADE...

lw [1:55 PM]:
IT'S HOMEMADE

jr [1:59 PM]:
If you order a small crack fries $2.45 lg $3.95

tw [2:11 PM]:
aint nobody trading lw...eat your baked spaghetti.

yw2:12 PM]:
unless you want to some clam chowder!

tw [2:12 PM]:
from a can.....

sf [2:12 PM]:
i have meatballs

tw [2:13 PM]:
im sure you do Sf....I've always known that you have "meat"balls

ll [2:13 PM]:
lmao

lw [2:14 PM]:
LOL

tw [2:15 PM]:
who has a menu

kj [2:15 PM]:
me

sf [2:17 PM]:
you know i love "meat"balls

tw [2:23 PM]:
lol

lw [2:24 PM]:
MY SPAGHETTI IS REALLY GOOD

tw [2:25 PM]:
then you should really enjoy it

tw [2:25 PM]:
i am being so mean today!

rf {2:25 PM]:
uh huh.....

tw [2:26 PM]:
i think its because bm isn't here

tw [2:26 PM]:
i'm filling in for her

tw [2:26 PM]:
so don't blame me, blame her

tw [2:26 PM]:
sorry Lw! I still love ya

jr [2:30 PM]:
would anyone be interested in karoke

tw [2:31 PM]:
sure

jr [2:31 PM]:
rf and I think it would be fun

jr [2:33 PM]:
tw are you having crack fries today?

tw [2:33 PM]:
no fries but maybe something else

jr [2:34 PM]:
ohh ok

jr [2:37 PM]:
kj are you ordering w/ us today?

kj [2:54 PM]:
sorry jr for the delayed response.....

kj [2:55 PM]:
...im going to eat chik fillet

kj [2:55 PM]:
however u spell it

kj [2:55 PM]:
thanx tho

tw [3:01 PM]:
chik-fil-a

jr [3:01 PM]:
No problem

tw [3:01 PM]:
but you go ahead and eat your chik fillet kebony, im sure it will be good

sf [3:04 PM]:
ice cream, small

sf [3:04 PM]:
in cup w/cone on top, pls

tw [3:16 PM]:
can i get some ice cream too?

kj [3:30 PM]:
how long does it take (redacted)

tw [3:30 PM]:
ill tell you if you buy me an ice cream

sf [3:30 PM]:
2 days

tw [3:31 PM]:
thanks a lot sf

tw [3:31 PM]:
2 days Kj

sf [3:31 PM]:
ur late

tw [3:31 PM]:
hush!!!!

tw [3:31 PM]:
im hustling here

tw [3:33 PM]:
?

kj [3:35 PM]:
thanx

tw [3:36 PM]:
so KJ, is that a yes on the ice cream?

jr [3:40 PM]:
I am ordering from wing factory at 4 anyone else?

kj [3:40 PM]:
what r u gonna buy me?

jr [3:41 PM]:
nothing

tw [3:41 PM]:
IF they take credit cards you good.

kj [3:41 PM]:
nothin

tw [3:41 PM]:
i can definitely afford Nothing!

tw [4:18 PM]:
kj, what time do you have lunch?

kj[4:18 PM]:
5 pm

tw [4:18 PM]:
aer you going to chik fil a

jr E [5:08 PM]:
For Monday are we just bringing in items like potlucking or are we going to order pizza?

rashan [5:10 PM]:
thanks jr for the fries

dw [5:13 PM]:
(redacted achievement)

lw [5:14 PM]:
WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jr [5:24 PM]:
ur welcome

rw [6:10 PM]:
(lesser redacted acheivement)

ll [6:10 PM]:
congrads

dw [6:11 PM]:
that doesnt top my (redacted achievement)

sf [6:11 PM]:
lol

Rashan [6:11 PM]:
wasn't trying to

Rashan [6:11 PM]:
lol

dw [6:11 PM]:
but u failed

ll [6:11 PM]:
lol

Rashan [6:11 PM]:
i cant fail if i wasn't trying

dw [6:11 PM]:
terribly

Rashan [6:11 PM]:
i want you to feel good about yourself today

Rashan [6:12 PM]:
i know how low your self esteem is.

JR [6:12 PM]:
wow

JR E [6:13 PM]:
ouch

Dw [6:13 PM]:
yea ouch foreal

Rashan [6:13 PM]:
too much? lol

DW [6:13 PM]:
maybe your confusing me with your girlfriend??

LL [6:13 PM]:
lol

TW [6:13 PM]:
wow.....

RW [6:13 PM]:
nah, she got mad high self esteem

DW [6:14 PM]:
rahsannnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!

DW [6:14 PM]:
i thought you were my friend!

DW [6:15 PM]:
my heart is broken

RW [6:15 PM]:
I am... that's why I want you to feel good about yourself and your lil (redacted achievement)

RW [6:15 PM]:
you know your (redacted achievement) and my (redacted lesser achievement) gets us the same amount of points, right?

DW [6:16 PM]:
im done with this conversation

RW [6:16 PM]:
don't go

RW [6:16 PM]:
i have more sarcasm left!!!

TW [6:16 PM]:
lmao

JR [6:17 PM]:
wow

90 Minutes later...

LW [7:45 PM]:
ANYMORE SNACKS???

LW [7:45 PM]:
I AM HUNGRY...

Reason # 4

Reasons why Rashan should not eat lunch in the cafeteria at work:

Reason # 1: I get the itis something serious. Like I eat and immediately find myself in need of a siesta.

Reason # 2: It cuts down on my blogging time. They actually had me doing work this morning, so I wasn’t able to read and comment like I expected to.

Reason # 3: It’s mad expensive. Well, not mad expensive, but it costs more than going to Chik Fil A or Wendy’s. They have this food of the day bar that costs like 5.99 a pound. That may not sound like a lot, but it can add up. Today was Soul Food day. Once people got through piling chicken, macaroni, greens and biscuit on their plates, it can easily go over the $10 range (and no, I didn’t get that.)

Reason # 4: My least favorite. People feel like if I’m eating lunch, that they can talk to me. I don’t have that kind of face. I know I don’t. I don’t smile or make eye contact, but these people still come and sit down with me. Never mind, that I was listening to my iPod, or playing with my phone, they still come to hang out with me. It happened again today…

I’m sitting in the cafe eating my Stromboli, listening to some Tony!Toni!Tone! when this dude comes and sits down. Mind you, I didn’t invite him to sit, nor did I express any interest in having company. But he did it anyway. A little background, this is a guy I used to work with about 6 months ago. He left and just came back last week. We affectionately used to call him “Serial Killer” cuz he was just creepy (behind his back of course. I ain’t tryna get serial killed.) I also wrote this post about him when I thought he was a child molester. He had a way of leering at people (men and women) and walking up close to people when they were talking that was just off putting. To top it off, this dude could insert himself in any conversation, and then hold it by himself. So, when he sat down I knew what I was in for. He proceeds to tell me why I haven’t seen him in 6 months. I didn’t ask of course, but he told me nonetheless. The story started out with a car accident, then led to a thyroid condition and then led to anxiety attacks and trouble breathing. He talked for 7 minutes straight. Yes, I counted. I didn’t say anything to encourage him. Instead, I kept my ear buds in and listened to Raphael Saadiq sing “Still A Man.” I kept my eyes on my food and my phone in the hopes that he would just go away, but nope, he was not dissuaded. When I finished my food, I got up to throw my food away, told him goodbye, and started back up the stairs to my desk. WOULD YOU BELIEVE THIS NUT FOLLOWED ME?!?! Yep, he kept on talking as I kept on not listening. I got up the stairs, and said “Aiight, man. I gotta go back to work now.” When I was sure he was gone, I ducked back outside through the side stairwell to make a phone call. Guess who I saw? The serial killer dude!! Oh well, now he knows that I was avoiding him. I hope he doesn’t make me his next victim.

Barbershop Talk

Real Conversations from the Barbershop. The language is cleaned up a little bit, but you'll get the point.

Barbers on the economy

Barber #1: Man, this economy is effed up!
Barber #2: Shoot, pretty soon, we gon' be chargin' $40 for a haircut.
Barber: #1: I know. Brothas be coming through like once every 3 months. Every nigga gonna have an afro.
Barber #2: Cats gon be looking like them Rastas cuz they can't afford a cut.
Barber #1: White folks gonna be rocking the Jesus hairdo.

Barbers on gas:
Barber # 3: Ain't no gas around here nowhere.
Beautician: I was on Moreland yesterday and all the gas stations are out.
Barber #3: And when they do have gas, they put a limit on how much you can get. I was behind a lady that wanted $22, they said they couldn't give no more than $20
Beautician: $20 gonna make me come back in 3 hours. I can't get nowhere on $20.
Barber # 3: Ain't we been at war for like 10 years to get that oil? When we gonna get it?
Barber # 5: I'm saying. I'm bout to buy me some skates. You gonna see me roller skating down 285 in some lil ass shorts if these gas prices don't go down.


Barbers on Obama:
Barber #4: They sayin we ain't supposed to vote for Obama just cuz he black.
Barber #1: Sheeeeeet, that nigga better take what he can get. Why it matter why I vote for his black tail?
Barber # 3: Nah, I been listening to the dude and he makes a lotta sense.
Barber # 4: Nigga, you ain't been listening to ish. What he say?
Barber #3: (stammers)
Barber #4: You just like the rest of us. Ain't nothing wrong with voting for him cuz he black. You think them white people ain't gonna NOT vote for him cuz he black.
Barber # 1: He ain't really black. I mean he ain't all black. His mom was from Hawaii. She one of them Somalians.
Barber # 3: What?
Barber 1: Somalians. You know them big Hawaiian lookin' mugs.
Barber 4: You mean Samoans! Dag, you dumb homey!

Barbers on McCain/Palin
Barber 1: How you feelin' man?
Customer: Aww, man. I'm feeling good. You see McCain trying to get out of the debate? He scared, dawg. I heard he gonna drop out the race.
Barber #2: Oh for real?
Customer: I mean, not really, but he might as well. Don't nobody wanna vote for a dude who got Alltimer's Disease and a chick that went to 5 different colleges.
Barber #2: Man, I went to 5 different colleges.
Barber #3: And you still ain't graduated yet.
Barber #1: And I sure don't want you dumb ass being assistant president.
Customer: McCain know he ain't got nothin on Barack. That's why he trying to punk out of the 'bate. He can't 'bate Barack. You ain't gonna outtalk no nigga...

Barbers on Weed:
Barber # 6: I ain't even got no cigarette money. Them things is expensive.
Barber # 5: That's why I quit smoking. If I'm a spend $5 on something, I'm a need to get high or something.
Barber #6: Yeah, cigarettes don't do nothing for you. That weed though???
Barber #5: I smoked some purp last night that had me knowing everything. I mean, I coulda been on Jeopardy or some ish.
Beautician: I backslid last week and hit a swisher. It had my mind open.
Barber #5: Don't fall for that! It's a trick. You start out with an open mind, next thing you know you leaving your customers under the dryer while you go get high.
Barber #6: Yeah, but it's good for you.
Barber #5: Sheeeiiitt, it ain't good for you. It's good to you. But that ish ain't medicine!

Barbers on Women:
Barber #1: (tapping me on my shoulder): Hey, man look at that!
Me: Huh?
Barber #1: Shawty bowlegged as hell.
Barber #2: Hey, sweet thing. Thanks for coming in the shop today. You sure brightened it up.
Woman: Thanks!
(she leaves)
Barber #2: That b*tch think she look good. I ain't have the heart to tell her she looked like Dennis Rodman in the face.
Barber #1: Her body bangin' though.
Barber #2: I'd hit it, as long as it's dark. But can't be no moonlight peeking in through the windows. I bet her shadow ugly as hell too.

Barbers on "It Ain't Trickin' If You Got It"
Barber #3: I'm bout to buy Tasha them J's.
Beautician: You bout to buy her some bootleg Jordan's?
Barber #3: It ain't trickin if you got it. I ain't got it, so she get the bootleg joints.

Barbers on Barack pt 2
Barber # 4: Man, Barack is cool and all, but he look like that lame we all went to high school with.
Barber # 2: He was that dude that passed all his tests.
Barber #1: That's what you supposed to do. That's why he bout to be president and you in here cutting hair.
Barber #2: Nigga, you cuttin' hair too.
Barber #1: I'm saying though, don't knock the brotha for being smart.
Barber #2: (turns to 10 year old sitting in his chair) Stay in school, little man!

Barbers on Fashion:
Barber #6: Tell me that cat don't have on no hoodie!
Barber #5: Where!!!! It's like 85 degrees.
Barber # 6: Right there in front of the shop! AYYY, DAWG! TAKE OFF THAT HOODIE!!! YOU LOOK SILLY AS HELL!!!

Barbers on Police:
Siren Sounds:
Barber #3: You mugs got quiet as hell!
Barber #4: I'm saying you know at least half of these cats in here got warrants or weed. Or warrants and weed!
Barber #3: Shoot, the tv even got quiet for a minute. Jerry Springer didn't even wanna say nothing for a minute!

Rashan's Uncomfortable Interaction Of The Week

Okay, this is getting to be a regular occurrence and I wish it would stop... The Date: Saturday 9/13. The time: around 2:00 AM. The place: Pilot Gas Station in Tifton Georgia.

I'm on my way down to Florida for the weekend. I already got gas before the prices shot up to $5. That's a whole nother post. I actually saw gas for $5 Friday night. Crazy! Anyway, I'm mad thirsty so I pull off on an exit that has light and looks like it would be free of the Klan. I go inside to get me a soda and a honey bun. As I'm wandering the aisles (cuz that's just what I do) I see these two young ladies doing the same. One of them speaks, so I return the pleasantries. One of them looks like a regular old female. She had a scarf over her permed hair, some jeans and an entirely too small t-shirt. But that's neither here nor there. The other one was wearing one of those women's wife beaters and some green soccer type shorts. She had some Poetic Justice type braids on and she looked kinda familiar. About a minute later as I'm picking up my caffeine free root beer, it hits me. This chick looks like Miss J from Top Model. It wasn't a very pretty sight.

Okay, so I go to the register and I get there at the same time as the two young ladies. I let them go in front of me. Miss J says to me..

"Ooooh, you such a gentleman."

It's at this moment that I realize that this is not a woman at all. IT'S A MAN!!! So, I'm trying to hide my shock, cuz my face shows everything. I'm staring down at my shoes as to not make eye contact. They are, however, taking forever at the register. This other guy comes into the gas station. Apparently he was waiting for his friends in the car.

"What is taking you bytches so long?"

Yep, he was sugary sweet too. The Twan twins start cackling and Small T Shirt is just standing there looking embarrassed.

"This guy behind us let us go in front of him. Ain't he a gentleman?" That was Miss J.

"Oooh, how sweet." This was the guy in the car. He continued. "You going to the club?"

"Nah" I said tersely as to not encourage any further conversation.

"You should come to the club with us. Our homegirl need a boyfriend."

"Nah, I'm good" I pull out my phone and pretend to take a call.

"You guys are so embarrassing!" Small T shirt says and then turns to me. "I'm sorry, I can't take them nowhere."

"Whatever, bytch. We trying to find you a man."

I heard Car guy say this as I got out of the line and pretended to get some potato chips. They left, so I went back to the cashier and paid for my stuff and left. Why do people insist on talking to me?

Thursday Thirteen: Things Me and My Brother Say!

Me and my brother have our own language sometimes. Most of it is from TV shows or movies that we watched together over the years. Here are 13 of our favorite sayings that most people wont get:

Thursday Thirteen: 13 Things Me and My Brother Say!

1. Chato will take you to the Airstrip: From this tv show called Kingpin about Mexican drug kingpins. Chato was a viscious killer. That phrase right there meant you were about to meet Jesus, and I’m not talking about the Mexican bodyguard either.

2. Ow, my liver!!! Came from Beavis and Butthead. We used to watch that all the time. That episode stuck with us for some reason.

3. I gots to find Mecca ! – Mecca was a guy. The movie was called Thug Life and it starred Nephew Tommy from the Steve Harvey show before anybody knew who he was. The Lady of Rage (remember Afro Puffs) was in it too. This movie was horrible, or should I say horribly entertaining. It was such a bad movie, that me and my brother couldn’t stop laughing at it. There was also a gang scene in which the gang members chanted… KILL KILL KILL –REVENGE!!!!. I recommend if you ever have about 84 minutes to waste to check this movie out. But only if it comes on cable. Hilarious.

4. Brother’s don’t shake hands, brother’s gotta hug! – Chris Farley in Tommy Boy. What’s so funny is that my brother and neither hug nor shake hands. We adhere to a very strict no touching policy unless violence is involved. LOL. We also like "Fat Guy in a Little Coat"

5. Hello, QVC? This one requires a video companion. Brian Fellow off Saturday Night Live is hilarious. It’s nothing for me to call my brother and when he answers say “Hello, QVC…It’s Brian Fellow. I want to buy a birdcage with solid gold bars." Forgive me, I’m having a moment. I'M BRIAN FELLOW!!!

6. Hey son… wanna see my missles? Followed by “No I never want to.” Okay, let me explain. When my brother was like 6 or 7, he drew this picture of a big monster talking to a little monster. That was the caption. I verbalized the characters for him. The first guy had a gruff abrasive voice. The little one had a innocent baby voice. It still cracks me up and right now I’m realizing that you are just blinking at your computer screen like this dude has lost it.

7. Can I borrow your… The object of this one is to think of the most obscure or unlikely thing for the other to have. For example, Can I borrow your.. Celine Dion boxset? Or can I borrow your first edition of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice? Try it, its fun...

8. Man, ain’t no eagle! Read this post for a greater explanation. But the eagle was some money that was supposed to be coming our way.

9. You don’t have the largest arms in wrestling cuz I have the largest arms in wrestling. We used to watch WWE all the time and there are tons of hilarious sayings. This was one of the most ridiculous. Scott Steiner vs Triple H. Another favorite is TAKER... You haven't broke me.. I'm still standing...

10. Can it be babies? - From Buffy the Vampire Slayer. There was a guy that got turned into a troll. He liked to eat babies. I'm aware how strange this sounds, but it's really funny. I know in real life, baby eating is frowned upon, but its just a tv show. It's funnier if you actually see the clip, but here's the surrounding dialogue. Its a line that we always repeat when one of us says he's gonna get something to eat.

11. You gonna help me sell these guns? - Another horrible hood movie called 5th Ward. I can't even remember why dude was selling guns, but he really needed his friend to help him. Cracks me up!

12. But I’m the one holding the box - This was from the TV show Alias. Quentin Tarentino was guest starring as a guy that was torturing people. He used this phrase to mock his victim...

13. Men and women are different - Our way of mocking the mediocre to terrible Comic view comedians that all seem to tell the same joke about how men and women are different.

Rashan Talks To Inanimate Objects

And now another episode of Rashan Talks To Inanimate Objects... presented with limited commercial interruptions by Charter Hospital...If you don't get help at Charter, please get help somewhere.


Word, job? You sure you wanna do this? I mean, I’m not complaining about the new relaxed dress code. This should help me get to work earlier. I sure don’t feel like ironing every morning. I don’t mind wearing jeans to work. And I wont be rocking sneakers or Timbs in accordance with your new dress code, but are you sure? You know where we live right? This is Atlanta . You can’t really give people an inch, cuz they will take a mile. Have you seen the way these ladies dress on casual days? Heck, even on regular days they push the envelope, but you are really gonna give them free reign? Don’t say I didn’t tell you so, when our building starts looking like Friday night at Esso. Wait, it already looks like that some days. When it starts looking like Roosters, then you gonna see I was right. But again.. Not a complaint. Just wanna make sure you know what you are doing.

Time, what are you doing? Why are you going so slowly? You gonna make these 3 weeks seem like 3 weeks? Can’t you just speed along like you do when I’m having fun instead of being torturous, maddening and mad long? Come on, do it for me!!!

Traffic, I’m a need you to not do what you are doing right now. I just wanted a 6 piece Chick Fil A nugget joint. Its 3 minutes to get there, 3 minutes to get back. Why am I sitting in you, stupid traffic! This ain’t even the highway. I’m gonna really spend ¾ of my lunch hour messing with you. Now you gonna just block my shortcut back to the office.? I’m bout to get out and walk. Wait a minute, I’m a liar. It’s 97 degrees out here. That’s another thing. You got me burning that AC which means gas which means money. Again, I just wanted some nuggets, yo! Give me my free, traffic. GIVE ME FREE!!!

Hey Patron Bottle. I'm sorry I left you in the trunk for 4 days. I hope you still taste good. I mean, you are unopened and wrapped up in a jacket, but I hope the extreme heat hasn't messed with you. You cost $46 so I'm gonna drink you no matter what, but I hope you still taste right. My bad, shawty!

Hey, poetry. Do me a favor and stop being all poetic. Just say what you mean and mean what you say. I ain't got time to be figuring out hidden meanings and symbolic phrases. By the way.. winter as a metaphor for death...its been done to winter, nah mean?

What's the deal, car? I never did give you a name. Didn't imagine you'd stick around as long as you have. I appreciate the longevity. You did good last week. We got 3 more trips to go in the foreseeable future, so just make sure you stay up. I'll do my part feeding you gas and oil, and making sure there's air in the tires. You in turn, don't come up with some obscure problem that I couldn't anticipate in a million years. You know how you and the rest of my cars have done. None of that this time, we got business to tend to.

Chalazion. Good looking out on finally going away. I was getting mad tired of that bump over my left eye. Although I could have done with out the oils seeping into my eye and making me feel like I was crying, I understand you did what you had to do. But for real. Remember a couple of years ago, when I told you not to come back. I even stopped wearing my contacts for 6 months at a time without cleaning or changing them. But you came back anyway. Jerk!!! Can you make this the last time please?

Sunglasses. I don't understand you. What makes you so cool? Why everybody wanna have some of you. Why people wear you at the club, especially the real dark ones? Why women have the real big ones that cover 1/2 their faces? Do you think you look good like that? I don't quite get it. Perhaps, I'm just hating cuz you don't look right on me, but I just don't get your appeal. Stupid shades!

Okay that's enough talking to things that can't talk back to me. I'm out!