Analyze That

Normal is boring. I love having a mind that works differently than others. In fact I thrive on it. But every now and then, even I have to say "huh? What was that about?" It usually happens while I sleep. That brings me to some of the strange dreams I've been having lately. Several of them involve blogging and bloggers. I hope no one gets embarrassed by popping up during my R.E.M, but here is one of the ones from yesterday whenever I first wrote this post. And yes I am aware that this is a filler post. I can't seem to gather my thoughts today. Maybe tomorrow!?!?

Dream #1: Guest Starring Opinionated Diva and Minerva Exertion...

It's a cold dreary day. The sky is grey and a steady misty rain is falling. I'm sitting up in an old school Oldsmobile, which is also grey. I'm wearing dark ass sunglasses, I think the kids call them stunna shades. Like how I just made my self sound old? I pull up at an decripit high rise apartment building, I think it's the projects, but I'm not sure. Diva comes out the building also wearing stunnas. Don't ask me how I know it's Diva, cuz I've never actually seen her besides her jawline profile picture, but its her. I say what's up using her gov't name and she gets in the passenger side. We ride out over a bridge. I think it's the Tappan Zee bridge in NY. Next thing I know, its sunny out and we take off our shades. I have a Newport behind my left ear and black OJ gloves on my hands. We pull up at a row house that reminds me of the ones in Downtown Savannah. I honk the horn 3 times and out comes Minerva Exertion. She sits in the back seat holding a .38, with a pearl handle. She's wiping it down with a bandana like O Dog in Menace, and filling it up with copper plated bullets. Diva then pulls out a 9 and starts loading it.

"You ready for this?" Diva says.

I shake my head like yeah, and speed up the car. There is a crowd of people gathering outside a club. The sign is neon blue and its flashing MAMA's.

"Abort..." Minerva says.

I drive away from the club and she puts her gun behind my ear.

"You ain't gonna snitch are you?"
"Nah, I'm good"
"You look like you gonna snitch!"
"I'm not, I promise"

I roll back to around to the spot. Roll down the windows. Diva is hanging out the passenger side. M-E is hanging out the driver sides rear window, I'm driving with my right hand, and holding an unidentified gun out the window. I speed up, and all of a sudden it gets sunny again...

I'm sitting on a park bench, smoking a blunt. A few teenagers are hanging around waiting for me to pass it. I don't. I smoke the entire blunt down and toss away the roach. The teenagers dive towards the floor and are fighting over the remnants of my weed. All of a sudden a bright light flashes and all of a sudden nobody else is around. I'm sitting there by myself. And then I wake up...

Analyze That!

The Matchmaker

I was chillin' at my table sipping a caipirinha at Eclipse di Luna when I first noticed her. Kristie sat to my right in a corner table overlooking the restaurant. We were cracking jokes and making conversation when I first felt her eyes on me. I managed to shake off the liquor long enough to get a good glimpse. She was pretty cute. She stood about 5'4", give or take an inch. I couldn't get an exact measurement because of the heels she was wearing. I held my glass up to my lips and downed the rest of my drink.

The sugar in the bottom of the glass combined with the excessive lime wedges to create a sweet, yet sour concoction. I waited for the waiter to bring me my 3rd drink, while continuing to shoot the breeze with Kristie. Ever my pimp, Kristie pointed out that the woman was looking at me.

"Why is she staring so hard?" she asked
"Who?" I coyly responded.
"The girl in the white and khaki."
"Like you wouldn't stare at me."

That was just a little joke. My friends are under the mistaken impression that I'm some kind of player. Truth be told, I have no game and the only women that make themselves available to me these days are, putting it kindly, unstable. I've never been a player, just extremely conceited, outwardly at least.

"You should go talk to her."
"Nah, I'm good."

The true me was shining through. The one that doesn't talk to strangers, the one that has blown many opportunities because of his fear of rejection, the one that has lame like tendencies. Besides I only had 2 drinks. I wasn't ready to put myself out there.

She was sitting with a group of multi cultural friends. Every hue was represented. There was a white one, a latina, an Asian (I think Korean) woman. And when you added in her caramel complexion, it formed a Rainbow coalition Jesse would be proud of. Her hair was a spiral cascade of curls, one falling after another. It looked very nice, although you can tell she just got out of the salon chair. She wore no makeup other than some shiny stuff on her lips, and her eyebrows were arched ever so slightly. Enough to notice, but not enough that it looked unnatural. Her smile was crooked, lips forming more of a smirk than an actual smile. She seemed to be having a good time with her girls, but she kept looking in my direction, hopefully at me. Not to be presumptious, but I thought to myself: Time to put your game face on.

After about 10 minutes, she got up and approached the table where Kristie and I were dining on tapas. She sat down in an empty chair and spoke.

"Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt but is your name Rashan?"

She pronounced it correctly, with emphasis on the RA. That's something that most people don't do. Regardless, I wasn't sure how to respond. I chose the truth.

"Yes, it is. How did you know?"
"I know your sister. She used to teach for Decatur city schools, right?"

I noticed she had a slight New York accent. It was not replete with loud, beligerrance of some NYers, but with a definite twinge of attitude.

"Yeah, she did. What's your name?
"Hey, I'm Kim."
"Nice to meet you Kim. This is my friend Kristie"

Pleasantries were exchanged and then she got to the point.

"I just want to tell you that I really enjoy your blog. You should have a career as a writer."
"Wow. Nikki told you about the blog? She didn't mention anything to me."
"I kinda shoulder surfed her one day. And you were just so damn interesting."
"Uh..thanks"

I told you that I don't take compliments very well, but I managed to express my gratitude.

"So how long have you and Kristie been dating?" she asked.
"Ewww... he's like my brother." Kristie replied.
"I was wondering, because you didn't mention it on your blog. I was wondering if that was PHD."

I turned to Kristie who had a quizzical look on her face.

"She's talking about Monica. That was my blog nickname for her."
"Oh, I see. Nah, he's single. What about you?"

I shot Kristie a look like WTF are you doing? She just shrugged and went back to sipping her Sangria.

"You wanna join us for a drink?"
"I really should be getting back to my friends. I just wanted to come say hi."
"Well, okay. You take care."

Kristie continued her role as matchmaker.

"You guys should go out sometime."
"Don't mind her. She's a lightweight with the liquor now a days."
"Well, why don't you call me anyway? Here's my number."

She wrote it on a red book of matches and passed it to me.

"Okay, I'll talk to you soon. Have fun with your friends."
"You too."

I wanted to curse Kristie out for putting me in that situation, but I couldn't. It had worked. I didn't leave the house with the intentions of meeting someone, but I sure wasn't gonna turn the opportunity away. I sat back in my chair, a quiet confidence resting upon my visage, even though Kristie had done all the work for me.

And then I woke up. I grabbed my phone and saw no entry for Kim in it. My mind was playing tricks on me again. It felt so real, but in fact it was just another one of my vivid dreams. Sonofabitch!

Dreamy RJ!

What up Jade! I'm jacking your name for this post!

You wanna know why I didn't post anything like I said I would? Dreams. Dirty, nasty confounding dreams. I kept waking up in a cold sweat like WTF just happened. Thinking the dream was real. Vivid, in 3D, with smells and tastes... My mind played tricks on me. Every time I fell back asleep, I was awakened by some strange surreal dream. I been seeing everybody talk about their dreams in blogland the last few days, so I guess its my turn...This is just one of the many from yesterday...Blog prudes may want to skip this one. LOL!

I can tell you I fell asleep at 8:15 in the morning. This dream lasted only until 8:36. How do I know the time? Because somebody called me at 8:36 in the morning. Someone who knows I don't get off work until 1 AM, someone who know I don't go to sleep before 7 AM, someone who knows I am not a very nice person when I just wake up. If they didn't interrupt this dream/nightmare I would probably have cursed them out, but instead I was thankful. Not thankful enough to pick up the phone, mind you, but thankful nonetheless.

In my dream I was taking a road trip with some guy, I think he was a blogger, but I couldn't tell you who it was. Anyway, we are driving down the highway when we stop at a gas station. At this gas station, (it was in the middle of nowhere, you know like in the movies where theres a dusty road and an isolated gas station) I'm pumping the gas into a 65 Mustang. I know it was a 65 because the license plate said "65 Mustang." LOL. How's that for symbolism? All of a sudden a tour bus pulls up and there are like 20 white people dressed in bikinis and bathing suits and there was like one token black person there. They are whooping and hollering and having a good time. My blogger buddy says "Lets follow them!" I say, "cool," So, we drive off. Only the gas nozzle was still inside the car. It breaks off from the pump and gas starts spurting everywhere. My blogger buddy pulls out one of those Zippo lighters and throws it at the gas pump. It explodes!!!

Boom! I felt the heat on my face so I squinted to protect my eyes. An old man in a cowboy hat carrying a shotgun starts shooting at us. I'm looking like WTF? The blogger dude is cracking up as we speed off on some Thelma and Louise shit. Fast forward a little bit, we catch up to the tour bus with the white people. We are at a mansion type crib, with a pool and lots of liquor. I go inside the house and chill while Blogger cat gets drunk. Inside, I'm being nosey and looking around, opening closed doors trying to see what I can see. I open one door and I see...

Hold up, I'm gonna wait to the end to tell you who it is. She tells me to come in and help her with her bathing suit. Its a black bikini and her breasts are popping out. I help her out, although I dont know how much help I could be, and she says thanks. She asks me to rub some lotion on her back, which I do. I kindly oblige and my hand "accidentally" rubs against her booty. She looks back over her shoulder and says, "if you wanted to cop a feel, all you had to do was ask." I say "May I?" (I know its corny, but that was the actual conversation in the dream. LOL) She nods seductively. We start getting close and one thing leads to another and then some oral copulation pops off and I'm such a cunning linguist.

At this point of the dream, I'm screaming to myself to stop. It was like I was watching what was happening, but I couldn't stop it. And probably, you are like why would you want to stop it... Well I'll tell you. After the "head" session, I hit it... raw dawg. And despite my own pleading within the dream, I couldn't stop myself. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but was helpless to stop it. Then the phone rang... Phew!

What kind of man can't enjoy his own sex dream? Me, that's who! Because my partner in this dream was.... T.ila Te.quila from that show on MT.V. I don't even watch that show, why is she popping up in my dream? She is so not my type, either. I have no idea what that one was about. Is it possible to get an STD from a dream? LOL

I GOT ANOTHER ONE READY TO POST BEFORE I GO TO WORK THIS AFTERNOON. IT'S ALREADY WRITTEN, SO I PROMISE IT WILL BE UP BY 5:00.

This Is Why I'm Hot

I'm hot because I got a 101 fever right now. I feel crazy as hell. I got a doctor's appointment tomorrow and hopefully they will give me some good drugs to knock this stuff outta my system. I'm still going to work, but I'm isolating myself from everybody. They are gonna have to hit me up on IM if they need me.

I had some weird fever induced dreams this morning. I dreamt that I was hanging out with several bloggers (some that I don't even know what they look like) and we were at a shooting range. After a short time of shooting at the targets, someone had the bright idea of shooting at each other. It was crazy. Bullets were flying in slow motion like in The Matrix. Cats was hopping around like Ninjas. One blogger even looked like Jessica Alba in "Dark Angel" (I'm probably the only one that used to watch that.)

Later, we were all hanging out at the base of a volcano when it started to erupt. It was nuts. People were melting and shit. I touched the lava with my bare finger though and didn't get burned. All of a sudden helicopters arrived and threw ladders to help us escape. So, as we are flying above the erupting volcano hanging on to the ladder, more ninjas showed up and started throwing Chinese stars at us. A couple people fell into the volcano but I was able to get away.I know this makes no sense but that's what a fever will do to you.

Okay, I guess I should be doing some work instead of blogging. My temp has gone down to 99.8, so that's a good thing. Sorry for not visiting your blogs, but I've been under the weather. Have a good rest of your day and I'll get with you tomorrow.

Babies, Burgers, Stalkers, Strippers, Dreams

Well, if you read the title, then you know what the post is all about. I wanted to post last Friday, so I could actually go a week straight writing in my blog, but some other stuff came up. Maybe this week, I can do it. Anyway, here is my weekend recap in true Rashan random fashion.

First of all, I'm an uncle again!!! My brother and his wife welcomed their child into the world early Friday morning. A healthy 8 lb 2 oz boy. He is too freakin cute. You know I love the kids right? He didn't open his eyes the whole time I was visiting in the hospital, but I got to hold him. Babies are amazing to me. They went home yesterday and mom and baby are doing fine. Got me thinking about my re-instituting my 90 day rule for knocking up the next woman I can put up with for 3 months. My male biological clock is ticking kinda loud right now.

I had the best burger I have ever had in my life on Saturday. Okay, maybe that's a hyperbole, but the mushroom and bleu cheese joint from Burger Joes in Decatur was ridiculous. I don't usually get excited over food, but I was just sitting there like DAMN!!! It was a good freakin' burger. Not sure why I wrote about this.

This is being my fourth time being an uncle, of course I had to go and celebrate the best way I know how: The strip club. LOL I'm kidding. I mean I did go to the strip club, but it was totally unrelated. I was bored Saturday, so I went to shoot some pool with the maybe-weds. I can't play to save my life, so I just watched and talked some shit about this and that. By 11, they were on their way home and I was not quite ready to call it a night, so I decided to hit up Pin Ups, home of the $5 dance. Here's a rhetorical question for you? Why do strippers insist on talking to me? Do I really have to hear your (often intoxicated) thoughts? Does it really matter if I'm married? Do you really have to tell me that I'm cute? I'm already paying you, save the flattery for the next man. Do I have really have to explain that the reason why I don't want you to dance for me (that horrid blond wig you are wearing)? Do I really look like an undercover cop? Okay, so that was more than one rhetorical question. I had a good time, but it really just reminded me that I'm not getting none in real life. LOL

I've become convinced that the more I'm mean to people, the more they are attracted. I don't know how to get rid of people. Even the whole honesty policy doesn't work. Whoever said that's the best policy never had to deal with a persistent suitor. When honesty didn't work, I decided to just be the biggest jerk in the world, something with which I have had practice. The one word answers, veiled insults and straight ignoring isn't working either. In fact it seems to make her want me more. In her words "you are a tough nut to crack, but I'm gonna do it." WTF? Short of pretending to be gay, I don't know how I'm gonna get rid of this one.

I've been having some really vivid and lucid dreams lately. I don't know what its about, but I actually look forward to sleeping. My R.E.M. stage has me going on some strange adventures. I can't remember them all, but in one of them I was dating Marion Jones after the steroids (except in my dream she was a disgraced swimmer instead of a disgraced track and field star.) In another one, me and Common were freedom fighters against a totalitarian government. We were being chased across the country and kept getting into adventures and free-styling along the way. In yet another, I was running from zombies who turned people into Republicans if they bit you. The zombie boss was Bill O Reilly. Shit is just weird, but I am actually looking forward to going to sleep to see what's next. I need to start writing in my dream blog again.

And that's about it. I hope everyone has a good start to your week. I'll get back with ya tomorrow. One!