7 Years Ago

This is one of those "I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there" posts. It's not a "whoa is me still hung up on the past" posts. Its certainly not a "trying to make anyone mad by rehashing past drama" posts. It's really just "I thought about today being your birthday and remembered what happened 7 years ago and it makes for a good story" post. If you are reading, Happy 30th, C! I hope you and your family are doing well. You may wanna just skip the rest of the post, I know how much you hate it when I bring up old shit.

Introduction...

7 years ago today, I learned a valuable lesson. One that for good or bad, has changed the person I am. I'm not angry or bitter about anything anymore, if that tone comes across its only because I've yet to learn the art of completely detaching myself from my past experiences. I can still remember how I felt that day and the emotions that took over me. I guess I should stop hemming and hawing and get on with the story.

April 29th, 2001 - Marietta, Georgia...

Today is my girl's birthday. All week I've been planning what I am going to do. On my last birthday she took care of me. She bought me that hot sweater, the engraved Zippo lighter with my initials and "I Love You" on the back. She cooked my favorite meal, did my favorite things in the bedroom, bathed and massaged me. In short, she catered to me. In the 5 months since my birthday, I plotted a way to make her day just as special. Now, I can't cook, but I know what my baby likes. Her favorite restaurant for lunch, a grown up jazz place for dinner. Hell, I may even wear a tie. I got them warming oils she likes, and a few other things that I probably shouldn't talk about on my blog. And her present? I hope she likes it. I spent HOURS going from jewelry store to jewelry store trying to find just the right one. Lord knows how much I despise the mall. I thought about asking her cousin for help, but knowing the way they talk, it wouldn't be a secret for too long. Damn, I really love this girl. Yeah, I know sometimes I crave my alone time. I pray that she will leave our apartment so I can have a moment's rest, but word life, son, I can't imagine my life without her.

On the way home from lunch...

Lunch at Pappadeux was good, but what was up with her being in the bathroom for so long? I was sitting at the table alone for awhile. She was probably on the phone with her cousin. They talk all the damn time. Anyway, I think I'll give her her present when we get home. That should make her happy. Maybe sneak in some grownup time before we go back out tonight. I've never been to Sambuca, but everyone tells me that its the place to go for a romantic evening. Can you believe that my disorganized ass actually made reservations somewhere? This should be interesting. I wonder if I can get away without wearing a tie. I'm so not a tie person. I mean, I'm 26 and I'm hip hop. I have my whole life ahead of me to conform. Nah, I think I will. I'll get dressed up, and she'll get dressed up and we'll just have the time of our lives. I can't wait to see her face when we get there. She has no idea what this evening has in store.

Sitting On The Couch In Our Townhouse...

I think it's time. I should give her the present now. Look at her, sitting there half sleep. She's so cute. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Who woulda thought when we first met that we would have been living together, moved to Atlanta, and still going strong after all this time? I remember the first time I saw her that day at work. There was just something about her that intrigued me. When she asked me to give her a compliment, and I told that I don't compliment girls that have boyfriends. When she kept badgering me for a compliment and I sarcastically told her "I like your weave." When she laughed instead of getting offended, I knew then that this could be special. When she left her boyfriend for me, when she moved in with me 6 days later, all signs pointed to this being ill fated. But we made it. Through the drama with the feds, and the being so broke that all we could afford was 2 for $4 whoppers, and sleeping on my sister's sofa bed for a month, we made it. Hold up, let me go do this. "Hey, baby. Stay right there. I'm about to go get your present."

Upstairs in the loft...

I really should have wrapped this gift. But it'll be fine. She'll be so happy when she sees it, that it wont matter that it's just in a gift bag. It's kind of a nice bag anyway. It came from the jewelry store that I purchased it from. Let me just get it out of my hiding place. I can't believe she didn't find it seeing how I hid it in pretty much plain sight. I'm walking down the stairs now. I can see the look of anticipation on her face. She's damn near doing her happy dance as she is awaiting my descent down the stairs. Wait a minute, what's that look about? What happened to the big Kool-Aid smile that was on her face? Where did that anticipatory squeal go? Is she... Is she crying? Did she really just say what I thought she said? I mean, really? Do my ears deceive me? She's not ready to get married?

Her on the couch, Me on my chaise lounge...

What was that about? She saw the jewelry store bag and assumed I was going to propose to her. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. But today was not the day. Good to know how she really feels though. Should I even bother to present her actual present to her? It's not a ring... It's a diamond tennis bracelet with a matching necklace. She had been dropping hints for the last few months and I picked them up. Hence me spending time at my least favorite place in the world: the mall. I thought that she would be happy. I thought she would be appreciative. Hell, I thought that she wanted to marry me, even though this wasn't the right time. I'm not ready to get married either, but to hear her say those words out loud really hurt my pride. Let me swallow that shit for a minute. This is her day. Take a look, baby. See, its not a ring. Oh, yeah, pretty embarrassing, isn't it? All those tears and angst over nothing. Come on, Rashan. Put that out of your head. Don't ask her why. You know why. Both of you are young. She's younger than you. Remember how you were at 23. Do you think you were ready to get married then? "Why don't you want to get married?" I can't believe I actually asked that.

I Need A Drink...

No really, don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. I can't fathom the thought. Regardless of whatever issues we have, I am yours and you are mine. We don't need a marriage certificate to tell us that. It's been R and C for the last 22 months. We been through it all and came out of it stronger for the experience. Don't tell me that we can make it through all these trials and tribulations unscathed, only to be undone by boredom. I know I pushed you to go out, but I didn't mean for you to be giving your cell phone number to random dudes and I damn sure didn't intend for you to be kissing a guy you met at the club. Why the fuck are you telling me this? On this day of all days. What about the special day I had planned for you? Take it back. Undo this. How about I pretend that I didn't hear this? Or better yet, it was a bad dream. There's no way this could happen to us. We are that couple. The ones that everybody looks up to. The ones that when you see one, the first question that's asked is where is the other one. Trust, I had opportunities to cheat, but I didn't take them. You know I cut off all those situations that you felt threatened by. You know all my female friends in Savannah got eighty sixed, even the ones I never did anything with. You know that YOU are my life now. And you throw it away for a kiss at the club. God, I can't believe I'm asking you this. Please somebody stop me from asking this. "What else happened? Did it go any further?" Her mouth is saying no, but her eyes...

Driving Around Aimlessly...

I had to get out of there. I have never felt like this before. I just wanted to break stuff and since every thing in that apartment is at least partially mine, it's probably not a good idea. Also, she looked kinda scared of me. I mean, come on, regardless of what goes down, I'm not gonna hit her. I might smash the hell outta a coffee table, but violence? That's so not me. Right now, I'm a walking R&B cliche. I can't sleep, I can't think. I can't eat. I'm so weak. What in the hell is this about? We need to spend some time apart? I don't want to spend time apart. I want what we had back. I want to rewind time before she felt the need to bare her soul to me. I want another chance to make things right. If I had another chance to make her happy I'm sure I could do it. But really, I should have known this was coming. I shouldn't have been blindsided. They say the way you start the relationship is the way that it'll end. I probably should not have escalated things with her until she broke up with that other guy. She probably should have taken some time before jumping into a relationship with me. I probably should have spent more time WITH her, rather than just spending time in the same crib as her. You know what... I can't do anything about that now. I need to focus on the future. She wants to date for awhile, to get back to the way things were in the beginning. I don't know if I can do that. I can't have it all and then step backwards to just a little. Shiiiiitttt, I'm greedy and I know it. It's all or nothing with me. I don't do halfway. But if that's what I have to do to hold on to a piece of her, I'll guess I'll have to try. It won't be easy. Every time I kiss her, I'm sure I'll be thinking that some other guy has tainted my perfection. I'll be reminded that the love that I thought was perfect, was in fact flawed.

Epilogue...

7 years ago today, I learned a painful lesson. I learned that it can happen to me. I learned that I should never get complacent. I learned that people you love and that love you, can hurt you far worse than anyone else. We stayed together for another several months in a futile attempt to recapture the magic, but it was no use. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over on that April day in 2001. It would make for a great ending if I immediately took these lessons and became a better person and a better boyfriend but it didn't work like that. I can't front, I was an angry, bitter man. I resisted any form of commitment for a couple years after that. Although, I never reached the level of a manwhore (I'm too anti social for that), I had no meaningful relationships for awhile. I was all about that "I don't love them hoes" mentality. I was jaded, never willing to put any emotions into anything, lest I get hurt again. Somehow, I finally broke free. I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there. I better hit publish before I change my mind.