The (Fairly) Young and The Restless

Warning: This is one of those complaining self deprecating posts. The kind that's going to make you say "Get over it!" I know because I found myself telling myself the same thing as I was writing it.

I'm bored, y'all. I mean really, really bored. I feel like my life is in a holding pattern. I'm a 747 circling the airport waiting for clearance to land. It seems that every week is the same thing. Go to work, come home and repeat. Even on my off days, I rarely do anything of consequence. I know that I'm never going to be a social butterfly, but it would be nice to every once in a while have drinks with some friends or something. I can't seem to motivate myself to do that though. It's my fault, I know. I have people that would love for me to hang out with them, but I always seem to blow them off. I spent some time recently trying to come up with a game plan to stop being a recluse. But as they say the best laid plans...

I pride myself on being pretty self aware. But the thing that I don't understand about myself is this: when I go out, I have lots of fun. So why don't I do it more often? Try as I might, I can't seem to come up with a legitimate answer to that one. Is it Social Anxiety Disorder, which I have self diagnosed myself with? Doubtful, because its not like I don't know the people I would be hanging out with. Is it laziness? Not really, because its not like I'm staying home just for the sleep. I'm up at all hours of the night and morning anyway. What is it? I'm still working on that. My latest theory is that I'm just fucking selfish. I want what I want when I want it. (Love Jones 1997) I think that if people were On Demand, like my Comcast cable, I would be okay with it. It would be cool if I could just call someone up and say lets go hang out at Atlantic Station one day, and then not talk to them again until I'm ready to go out again. But I know that's not realistic. It would be cool if I could make people do what I want to do, without having to accommodate their preferences and tastes. Again, not very realistic.

Another problem I have is over analyzing situations. I talk myself out of going out sometimes. I don't know why, but it happens often. I'll give you an example. Last month, I missed both the Nas and De La Soul concerts that I was going to go to. In both instances, I was all excited about the prospects of attending the concert, but then found some inane reason for not going. It doesn't make sense, really. It's not only nighttime maneuvers that I put off. Little simple shit like going to see Spiderman, or getting a new CD player for my car, or updating my resume gets put to the side for no good reason. I really need to work on this. Cuz at 6 in the morning, when its quiet and nothing's on TV, I think about this stuff and get frustrated with my own self and then you have to read my whiny posts.

I don't have the answer to this problem yet. I just know that I'm getting restless. I don't want to spend Friday nights alone watching DVD's or surfing the internet all the time. I want to get out every once in a while and meet new people, or reconnect with old people. I'd like to be the one to initiate an interaction every once in a while. I guess I just have to do it. Like I said in the preface, I need to get over it. Nothing left to do now, but to do it. Wish me luck! Or better yet, wish me a fine, bold Gabrielle Union look-alike that won't take no for an answer. I bet I'll get out of the house then. Anyway, have a wonderful weekend, and I'll get at cha next week.