I'm Having A Party...or maybe I'm not

Last week, I (or Jameil) had the bright idea to have some people over to the crib. Jameil was already gonna be there, and then Adei was coming to town too. We decided that we should make it a blogger meetup and invite Joy and I heard La was in the A too. The plan was we would have a get together, not so much a party, but just people eating and/or drinking at my crib.

Well, as things tend to do, plans got muddled. It was on, then it was off. Such and such was coming, then they weren't. Jameil was gonna cook, then she wasn't. I woke up this morning not really knowing if it was going to happen. It continued on to my work day. I didn't find out for sure that people would still be coming over until just before lunch. Right now, I'm at work and Jameil is either at the grocery store getting ready or laying around doing nothing. Not really sure. I'm pretty confident that when i get home, there should be food and drinks waiting, but we'll see. Anyway, the point is this: If you are in the A right now, and want to hang out with other bloggers and promise not to just show up at my crib whenever you feel like it, send me an email (visionz74@yahoo.com) and I'll let you know where the gathering is. (Magnolia - I know you don't blog but once every fortnight, and probably won't read this but you are last minute invited too. LOL) That is unless plans fall through again in which case I will sit at home drinking beer and watching tv. Either way, it sounds like a plan to me. One!

A Very Special Christmas Edition of Thursday Thirteen: 13 Things I Love About Jameil

Merry Christmas, everybody. I'm not sure how many people will be reading, but if you are, here is another collaboration with Jameil. Actually, she hasn't read this ahead of time, but the idea was constructed together. Be sure to check out Jam's list of what she loves about me.

1. Our Long Phone Calls - Being in two different states, the majority of our time is spent on the phone. I love how we can always find something to talk about or even just enjoy each other's silent company as we do different things. I think the longest we've talked on the phone has been 15 hours in one day.

2. Following Dreams - I love that Jameil is following her dream to make documentaries. A lot of people have lofty ideas, but never do anything about them - present company included. I'm so proud that she is actually taking action to make this a reality.

3. Sense of Humor - We have some of the craziest, most hilarious conversations. I wish I could put some of them on the blog sometimes, but I'm not quite sure everybody would get the joke, or if they did get the joke, they may not appreciate us laughing at you. Needless to say, in a 15 hour phone convo, there has to be lots of humor to keep it interesting. Jameil has that part covered.

4. Passion about the news - Okay, this may get on some people's nerves, but I love it. Whenever we are watching any local news show, Jam immediately starts critiquing it. This comes from her background as a news producer. She knows how things should be done, and always points it out if its done incorrectly. I've learned a lot just from hearing her rant about the news, and you know I like learning new stuff.

5. Accepting My Weirdness - I'll be the first to admit that I'm not normal. In fact, I wear weirdness as a badge of honor. This can turn some people off, but Jameil seems to take it in stride. It's a good thing, because my brain isn't turning normal anytime soon. LOL

6. Talking About Anything - I don't know if there is any conversation that is off limits with us. We can talk about the past without any strangeness. We can talk about the future without any nervousness. We can plan our hypothetical kids names without either of us running for the hills. I love that no matter what the topic, we can keep everything in perspective and not have to be all guarded around each other.

7. Long Hugs - When I first see Jam after two or three weeks, you can bet that we are going to be locked in an embrace for several minutes. I can tell that she is genuinely happy to see me, and the feeling is definitely mutual.

8. Making Fun Of Each Other - We are ridiculous with this one. The same way we make fun of other people, we make fun of one another. It's all good natured teasing. She loves to call me old because I am 7 and 3/4ths years older than her. She likes making gay jokes about me since I like a lot of TV shows and movies that most heterosexual black males don't watch (i.e. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Gilmore Girls, etc.) She knows she can do this because I can take a joke. I'm not one of those sensitive cats that's gonna run off crying in a corner because somebody ribbed me. I do the same to her, but I'll leave those off the blog. I'm not crazy, ya know.

9. Food - Whether she cooks or we go out to a restaurant to eat, we gonna eat. And we gonna eat good. And I love that she is not scared to try new places. It's cool being able to go to some new spot and experiencing new culinary delights. I've had situations before where we always went to the same restaurant week after week. We definitely have our go-to spots, but there's always some new food adventure around the corner. Also, she's introduced me to the wonderful world of brunch. Where has that been my whole life?

10. Strong Personality - I love how UN wishy washy Jameil is. She knows what she likes, she knows what she believes in and she doesn't waver. The way she presents her self is the way she is. There's no fakeness in her. I never have to wonder if she is just saying something to keep me happy. If she doesn't agree, she'll tell me forcefully that she doesn't agree. You never have to guess if she feels strongly about something. Jameil is an antonym for the word sycophant.

11. Falling Asleep - I love when we fall asleep together. It feels like the most natural thing in the world, holding her while we watch a movie. Or her rubbing my head til I drift off. It's the sweetest thing. I definitely miss that when I'm not with her.

12. Competition - Lots of things between us are competitions. We've had 3 day long sessions trying to outdo each other. For example, once we had a competition to see who could say the most outrageous thing about a certain blogger. That thing dragged on forever until I finally was tapped out. It started on personal email, moved to work email, and continued on the phone. Neither one of us wants to give in first. These are friendly competitions by the way. Neither of us are sore losers. (If she would ever lose, she might be a sore loser. She always seems to get the best of me in these competition with her ol' stubborn self. LOL) By the way, we don't often have comment competitions, but when we post about the same thing, best believe its a battle. The posts when we announced we were dating, she won that time. Last week's T-13 was a tie. I'm hoping that my bloggers will represent for me this time! COMMENT ON MINE, NOT HERS!!!!!

13 Hey... - Cuz I know it's gonna be followed by "I Love You." It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside no matter how many times I hear it. I love you, too babe!

Hire Me?

Amidst all the talk about my company being "in a position of strength" and "poised for the future" comes the reality that we are just like everybody else. People will be getting laid off, bonuses are being cut, belts are being tightened. I can see the writing on the wall. I'm not saying I'm gonna be without a job, but I need to prepare for the possibility. Okay, I know that sounds depressing on Christmas Eve, but we had a meeting yesterday that pretty much sealed what I already knew. Times are tough. It's a recession, and I need to find a new job. I've been looking, but there really aren't too many jobs out there. Especially, ones that fit my unique skill set. Instead of sulking or stressig myself out, I'll deal with this the same way I deal with just about everything. By mocking it...

The following is a tongue in cheek list of my qualifications just in case any of you wanna hire me:

I can belittle people with my above average intelligence: I may not be able to do the job the way you want me to do it, but I'll come up with a better way to do it, all the while making my peers and superiors feel stupid. At every job I've had, I've always been the go to person, even when managers and/or people that have worked at the company for 10 years are around. It gives me a dual reputation of an uppity negro and savior. Every company needs that dude you love to hate. You need that in your company? Then, hire me.

I can effectively manage all my sick and vacation time: You know those people that have 10 days of vacation left at the end of the year, or never use any of their alloted sick days? That's not me. I can guarantee you that I will schedule all my vacation in advance and that I will not work the week of Thanksgiving. You don't have to worry about scrambling trying to find days to give me off at the end of the year. Also, that pesky sick time? You wont have to worry about paying me for that (if your company does that.) I'll use it effectively throughout the year. I won't be sick, but I'll use those days anyway.

I can figure out ways to beat the system: You know how some people have problems adapting to changes? That's not me. If you change our goals, then I'll figure out a way to manipulate said goal for my benefit. Things that most people complain about, well let's just say, instead of complaining, I'm figuring out a loophole. Ask my last job. They've changed our goals 7 times in 12 months. But I've always managed to find a way to avoid the pitfalls that other employees fall in. I'm still standing!

You don't have to feed me: Office parties, potlucks, bringing donuts to the office. That can get expensive. Well, let me tell you that I won't be participating in those. That's one less greedy person that you have to spend money on. That can add up. I'm helping your company's bottom line.

Overtime? Are you serious: Yeah, I won't be doing overtime. You don't have to pay me no time and a half. I'm all about 8 hours and going home. I've had jobs previously where I worked 12 hours a day, and I'm not down for that anymore. So, yeah, don't have to worry about me taking all your loot.

I can attract work stalkers like nobody's business: You may wonder how this is a good thing. Well, you can guarantee that these work stalkers will be at work early and every day to see me. It doesn't matter if I don't pay them any attention, they'll be there. That has to be good for your productivity!

I won't ever leave: When I get a job, I'm way too lazy to find another one. I've worked a place for 5 years, one for 6 years, 2 for 2 years. I'm what you may call loyal. You don't have to worry about me running to the competition. I'm a be there until you kick me out.

Okay, that's enough being silly. Merry Christmas Eve! I'll be posting tomorrow on Christmas: 13 Things I Love About Jameil... a kind of follow up to last weeks Thursday Thirteen. If you are around, check it out. If not, Merry Christmas, and I hope you get all the presents you wanted. ONE!

Overheard While Checking The Mail

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Open up! I know you in there"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Stop playing, I see your car out here"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Why you got me out here looking like a fool? Just open the door. Let's talk about this."

*BANG BANG BANG*

"Who is she? Why you picking her over me?"

*BANG BANG BANG*

"I'm a beat that bitch ass when I find her."

*Door Opens - It's another woman*

"Why you making a scene out here. Go on home, you knew what this was"

"But baby..."

*Door Slams*

Thursday Thirteen: Things I Do To Annoy Jameil

Today's T 13 is things I do to annoy Jameil. It's usually not on purpose, but sometimes it is. Also, don't be reading this and thinking that there's trouble in paradise. These are just minor things that we've noticed over the last 5 months. At least, they are minor to me. When you get done reading this one, go ahead and check out her list of what she does to annoy me. We collaborated on these the other day, and I think they are pretty funny. Let's get started.

1. Stand by car door with door open - Okay, I don't do this one anymore. But when we first started seeing each other with frequency, when I would open her car door, apparently I didn't move to my side of the car quickly enough. I would leave the door open while we finished our sentence or I would just pause long enough to make sure I didn't slam the door on any of her body parts. Sounds reasonable, right? Not to her. LOL. So, being the jerk that I am, once she brought that to my attention, I switched it up. I opened the door, closed and sprinted around the car to my side and said "Was that quick enough for you?"

2. Say "I'll call you tomorrow" - I guess its supposed to be a given that we'll talk tomorrow. When we are getting off the phone, she feels it unnecessary for me to say that. Perhaps it is, but sometimes I do.


3. Eating, or rather not eating - Sorry, babe. I have horrible eating habits. I eat once a day, and I know you thought that you could fix me, but I've been doing this for almost 20 years. Even when I do make it to 2 a days, it never lasts more than a week. I've tried to change it, but it just doesn't work. She likes to tell people that I don't eat, which is not accurate. I have gone 24 hours without eating before, but I don't think I've done that recently. Plus whenever we are together, I'm gonna eat at least twice, sometimes 3 times a day like a normal person. But when I get back home, I revert to what I know best.


4. Talk like I have a G.E.D - That's what she calls it. I call it just making fun of people around me. People in Atlanta say Collipark (College Park) and East Pernt (East Point). Rapper say funny things on these hood songs. I like to imitate them. I actually can speak the English language, but every now and then I don't and that annoys her.


5. Leave the room - I should clarify. Leaving the room without telling her where I'm going. Or if I tell her where I'm going, not having a good enough reason to leave. It's crazy. When we are at my place, if I leave the room or stop being her (as V Dizzle called me) her man pillow, Jam gets really annoyed. So what if I have clothes in the washer or if I have to see a man about a horse? I can guarantee if I move, I will hear the following phrase: "Where are you going?" Sometimes, its a question, other times its akin to a threat. Like "Nigga, did I say you could move?!?" LOL

6. YouTube rapping - As just about anybody that has talked to me can attest, I speak in lyrics. There's always a hip hop lyric that correlates to what we are discussing. For example, if someone says "They need to get it together", immediately that Jay-Z lyric from Mya's "Best of Me" song pops in my head.

Ma get it together or forget it forever
When I go at you hard I can get it through leather
You actin like Jigga can't get at whoever
Talking you got a man, okay ma, and?
That's high school making me chase you round for months
Have an affair, act like an adult for once...

Okay, so I know that's ridiculous, but then I decide I need to hear that song. And another song that reminds of that one, and then next thing you know, I'm rapping along to all of the songs from that era. Then I you tube it back a few years and listen to some obscure rap song that got played on Rap City three times, yet I know all the lyrics to. I understand that may be annoying, but do I complain when she starts singing Danity Kane or Mariah? Nope! LOL

7. Wear old fubu stuff - Even if she doesn't see it, she gets annoyed with my hoodie. And I had this old FUBU T shirt that I wore when she was here, complete with a hole from a blunt I dropped on it 10 years ago. Truth be told, I just wore it to bother her.


8. Try to manage her time - Okay, this is one that I don't do, but she thinks I do. All I do is take an interest in her school work. If there's a film or a paper due, what's wrong with me asking how far along she is? As much as I may want to manage her time, I don't actually try it. But I'm sure to hear the following phrase if I ask what time she is going to the library: "CAN I MANAGE MY OWN TIME?" I shouldn't really put a question mark on that, because it wasn't a question. It's a statement telling me to back off. I seldom do though. I just wanna know what's going on. Lord knows, that between the two of us, there is no time whatsoever being managed. I don't know which of us is the bigger procrastinator. Anyway, that sentence is sure to annoy her, if she isn't laughing too hard.

9. Not asking the question that I want to know the answer to - I call it conversation, she calls it annoying. The only way I can explain this one is to give an example:

Me: Did you go to the library today?
Her: Yes.. blah, blah, blah.
Me: Did you get a chance to read my blog today?
Her: That's what you wanted to know. How come you didn't just ask that?

See, I wanted to know that, but I also wanted to know the first part. If she didn't go to the library, then I know she didn't read my blog. I don't see anything wrong with following a line of questioning instead of just jumping right to the point. Does this make any sense? Which one of us do you think is right? LOL


10. That I have no friends - I really don't see why this one is a problem. More time for me to spend with her, right? On the real, I've become a self contained unit. I like my own company better than most people's company. Plus, I never disappoint, don't listen or make me go places I don't wanna go. It's seems like a winner to me. It really has to do with the people I've been meeting and hanging out with. They just don't share my same interests, and why should I subliminate my interests to hang out with people that care about other things. I'm perfectly fine with hanging by myself.

11. Avoidance of conflict - Me and my family don't talk about bad stuff. We just prefer to let it fade away. If something is bothering me today, it'll be gone by tomorrow. No need to have hurt feelings too. Jameil can't stand that. She feels I should slap various members of my family. Okay, I'm being bratty. She just feels that we should talk more. I understand, but what works for her fam doesn't work for my fam. It annoys her when I just let things go without talking about them.

12. Book on Tape Voice- She calls it my gay voice. LOL. It's not that at all. When I'm reading her something, which I sometimes have to do with her lack of consistent internet, I sometimes break into a very deliberate, slow paced and emoting voice. It's almost like I do characters when I'm reading. It's funny to me, not so much to her.

13. Over explain who I'm (or she is) talking about - Sometimes, I just need clarity. She knows a lot of people, and I get them confused sometimes. Like she'll mention her line sister, and I'll say Nichole? Or I'll talk about Eric and say, you know Kristie's fiance? It's just for clarity's sake. I get that I don't have that many people in my life, but she has tons of people she knows. They be getting mixed up in my head, yo! I just have to make sure we both are talking about the same person. Do I see it as being annoying? Nah, but it is what it is (that phrase could probably be # 14 if I were to keep going. LOL)

I Just Might Be Crazy

Crazy

That’s me… Why am I crazy this time, you ask? Go ahead and ask...
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I’m glad you asked. I’ll tell you. I’m crazy because I was up until well after the sun came up this morning. What in the world was I doing awake until 8:09 AM, you ask? Again, go ahead and ask…
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Thanks for asking! I was up until 8:09 AM playing around with ITunes. This is what happened. I’ve had the same 806 songs on my iPod for ummm, about 3 months. When Jameil was here the 1st time, she accidentally took my iPod charger with her. She brought it back Thanksgiving, but I’ve been too lazy to go through my thousands of songs and pick new ones to put on there. I only have the 4 gig joint, which is more than enough, but that means I have to switch my music out. Anyway, last night, I decided to give Kanye another chance (I actually like it now that it’s been mastered properly. The bootleg joints I was listening to were pretty annoying), so I downloaded his CD. THEN… I decided to add some more old music from my cd collection. I found my Faith CD that I’ve been looking for for awhile. The Mary J My Life was all scratched up, but then I found my old favorite group from high school: Gang Starr. THEN… as I was importing these, I noticed that a lot of my bootleg mp3s didn’t have the correct information on them. Like they would be missing an artist name, or the wrong album was listed, or the name of the song was just totally wrong. That’s what you get when you don’t actually pay for the songs. Well, I started editing the information. THEN.. I saw that I had duplicates of some songs, so I figured I should go through and delete those to free up more space on my computer… THEN…I noticed I had some stuff in my iTunes that I would never ever listen to, so I deleted those too.

Next thing I know, its 7:30 and I still haven’t picked what songs I was gonna put on my iPod. Since I had to get up in 3 hours, the prudent thing to do would have been to just go to sleep and deal with that tomorrow, but I’ve never been one to be a slave to prudence… In the words of Eric Cartman: Whatever I Do What I Want!!! (That would have been more effective I wasn’t at work, and could link it. I’ll just go ahead scratch out this whole sentence. LOL I really need to go to sleep!) I went through my library and picked about 400 songs, and then couldn’t take it anymore, so I crashed. I knew if I went to my bed, I would never in a million years actually wake up, so I curled up on my loveseat, turned my Netflix instant viewing to a PBS documentary about the Statue of Liberty and fell asleep. Two hours later, my phone started yelling at me to wake up and I somehow managed to wake up and make it to work on time. Crazy, huh?

You may ask why I would do something like this. You know how this works by now… ASK ME!!!
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Well, I’ll tell you. Refer to the title of the post. I’m crazy! Not all the time, but sometimes, I just can’t control the way my brain works. It’s almost like OCD, except I don’t have to go in 5s or 3s. I just can’t stop a task until I’m finished. Anyway, I’ve written enough in this sleep deprived diatribe. I guess I should do some work now. Peace!

The Secretive Cradle Robber Conversation.

Actual Work Conversation.

Cast Of Characters:
Rashan
Dark Skinned White Girl (DSWG) - The white girl that talks like a Vivica A Fox movie character.
Yes, I'm A Lesbian (YIAL) - The woman that likes to offer details about her sexuality even when nobody asks.
Kenyan Like Obama (KLO) - the African that talked about the election every day since the primaries.

DSWG: Was that yo guhl I seent you wit at Gladys Knights? (Chicken N Waffles)

Rashan: Yeah.

DSWG: She was SUPER CUTE!

Rashan: I know. (turns away)

DSWG: I didn't want to interrupt that's why I just waved and ish.

Rashan: Yeah, that's cool.

KLO: You saw Rashan's girlfriend? He really has a girlfriend?

DSWG: MMM-HMM. I seen him and his boo. They were super cute together.

YIAL: I thought she lived in Florida.

Rashan: She does. She was up here for Thanksgiving.

YIAL: Hey, she's younger than you right? She's in college?

Rashan: She's getting her Masters. She's not like an 18 year old. I'm not R Kelly or nothing.

YIAL: But she's a young tenderroni, right?

KLO: Rashan, are you a dirty old man?

DSWG: She looked like she was about my age.

Rashan: She's 26.

YIAL: And how old are you?

Rashan: 34.

YIAL: STOP LYING!! YOU ARE NOT 34!

KLO: He is. I've seen his license. I didn't believe him either.

DSWG: SHAWN W(she always calls me by my first and last name) You that old?

Rashan: Yeah, I'm 34.

YIAL: Go head, player! I like young girls too. My wife is a lot younger than me too.

Rashan: She's not a lot younger.

KLO: Yes, she is! That's how men in Kenya are. They like their women younger.

Rashan: Okay, the Rashan portion of this conversation is over...

DSWG: Daaang...it's like that, boo? He don't never talk about his personal life. I knew him for a year and he ain't never said nothing to me.

KLO: How did you know he had a girlfriend? He never talks about himself.

YIAL: Girrrl, you know how I am. I wanna know something, I'm gonna ask.

DSWG: He don't be telling me nuffin'

Rashan: Anytime you want to change the subject...

Rashan Vs. Dem Gangsta Cats Part 2*

If you read this post, you already know about the cat population by my crib. Actually, read that post when you get a chance. I'm freakin' hilarious. LOL. Anyway, I had another run in with a cat last night. ..



I was coming home from a long boring day at work. My manager, who for some reason went to culinary school, cooked for us. We had chicken leg quarters, some kind of fish, roasted potatoes, 4 cheese mac and cheese and a broccoli- carrot concoction. The food was pretty good, but being that I don't like to eat at work, I brought most of it home. Anyway, I get out of my car and walk up the stairs to my apartment, when all of a sudden a kitten comes running towards me. Normally, cats are scared of strangers, but not this one. She started purring and rubbing up on my leg. I'm like go away... Actual quote was "Hey, dawg! Beat it!" Yes, I know it was a cat and not a dog, and yes I know that he doesn't speak English. Anyway, I unlock my door and open it a little, but the kitten runs toward the door. I quickly shut the door, so she wouldn't get inside, but I didn't get inside either. Every move I make, the kitten followed. Jameil, who was on the phone with me tells me to stamp my foot in the kitten's direction. I tried that, but she wasn't scared. I made menacing movements, I lifted it up with my foot and moved it out of the way, I kicked it (softly, don't call PETA on me), but this little thing was determined to hang around and climb up my pants leg. Finally, I got an idea...

I had fish in my tupperware container. I opened it up, and threw some towards the adjacent apartment. Then when the kitten went to eat it, I opened the door and made my way in... Only, I underestimated the speed of this little kitten. Next thing I know, she's inside the apartment, and I'm outside looking stunned. She runs around my living room for a few seconds, as I am comically chasing her. She zig zags past me at each attempt to pick her up. Finally, I open my container of food again and throw another piece of fish outside. She runs out the door and I slam it shut, laughing at myself. For the next hour, this little cute kitten (yeah, I said it. she was cute) was meowing at my door. Poor little thing wanted to get out of the cold and get some real food. She had a collar on, so she probably belonged to somebody, I hope they found her.

*Technically, this cat was more stalker than gangsta, but I just wanted to use that title again. LOL

Thursday Thirteen: My $100 $150 Or Less Christmas Wish List

Since I have a killer case of the hiccups that wont allow me to sleep, I decided that I would do a Christmas Wishlist. I realized while writing this, I probably am a nightmare to shop for, cuz I never really care what I get, and I'm not good at dropping hints. It probably stems from all these years of not getting any gifts. My siblings and I don't exchange gifts, and mom and grandma usually go the gift card route. Anyway, here some of the things I would like for Christmas. All linked products are merely suggestions unless specified by name in the description.

1. Bose Computer Speakers- Most of the TV I watch is on the computer. I also watch alot of movies on Netflix Instant Viewing. I need to upgrade from these factory speakers I have.



2. GPS System - Do I need to elaborate on the many ways I get lost... even in my own city. I need this in my life.



3. A Watch - I'm tired of looking at my cell whenever I need to know what time it is. Plus, I would feel a little more like a grown up if I had a watch.



4. Car Audio - I'm always in my car. 35 minutes to work, 5hrs to Gainesville. I have an iPod adapter but it plays through the FM stations and in certain places it doesn't work. I would never buy this for myself, but it's Christmas, so someone can do it for me.



5. George Foreman 360 Grill - My old Foreman crapped out on me, probably because I submerged it in water several times trying to clean it. Glad this one has detachable grills.



6. Music Box Sets - Like Marvin Gaye , Stevie Wonder , or Al Green. Something classic.



7. Restaurant Gift Cards - Brother gotta eat, right?



8. Clothes - I didn't link cuz I don't know what I want. Plus Jameil was supposed to fix me, but it hasn't happened yet.



9. Shoes - see #8 I'll let you pick out what I should wear. Size 12 please.



10 Atari Flashback 2.0 - cuz the Wii is too expensive to put on this list.



11. External Hard Drive - gotta find a place to store all my porn mp3s. LOL



12. Cold Hard Cash - or gift cards if you think giving cash is tacky. LOL



13. Digital Camera - don't really need one, so much as I just want to get a new one. I keep seeing people with these cool cameras and I want one.

3

Do you know what today is? (TonyToniTone 1992) It’s my anniversary. I’ve been in this blog game for 3 years today. I had big plans on writing something profound or writing a post pretending to quit, but I didn’t, so now I’ll just freestyle something. It’s been good and bad, exciting and mundane, brilliant and pedestrian. I’ve met some cool people, some not so cool people, some people I thought were cool that turned out to be not so cool. I’ve met blog friends, blog stalkers, blog girlfriends, blog phonies, blog peeps I wouldn’t mind hanging out with. I’ve read interesting blogs, terrible blogs, annoying blogs, blogs that make me think, blogs that make me sick. I’ve been blog obsessed, blog apathetic, and where I am now, somewhere in the blog middle. I’ve had blog beef, blog drama, blog crushes, blog debates. Basically, I’ve done it all except get paid for this thing. Anybody got any ideas on how I can do that? LOL

Anyway, it’s my anniversary (I refuse to use that word that combines blog and anniversary.) Who knows how much longer I can go, but I don’t have any plans on quitting any time soon.

Excuse Me, Sir or Madam (as the case may be)

Excuse Me, Sir? I don’t know if you realize this but you are wearing bright purple pants. I mean, perhaps you got dressed in the dark and didn’t realize that you are wearing your woman’s pants, but I just thought I should let you know. You probably noticed that them slacks were tight when you put them on, but for some reason that didn’t deter you. And while some may applaud your bold choice of adding black cowboy boots to your ensemble, this untrained eye just thinks you look silly. Perhaps, its Prince day in your department and you are going for the androgynous look. If so, I apologize for bringing this to your attention. I just thought you should know how much of a clown you appear to be.

Excuse Me, Madam? I wanted to let you know that you have the most irritating voice known to man. I wish you didn’t not start sitting directly across from me. Your voice sounds like you swallowed some helium from a balloon, only not as high pitched. I got it: its like you swallowed the helium and its starting to wear off, but it never quite gets back to a normal pitched voice. Also, I don’t hear an accent, but the words you use make me think that English is not your first second or fourth language. Could you kindly do me a favor and reduce the volume of your voice? I know you can’t do anything about the quality of it, but you can at least use what preschool teachers call “your inside voice.” Thanks in advance.

Excuse Me, Ma’am? I can tell you that I really don’t care about you and your girlfriend or as you call her, your wife. I don’t need to know when you fight. I don’t need to hear about what you cooked for her. I don’t need to hear about your bedroom activities. I sure don’t need to hear about how your grown daughter doesn’t liker her. Can you please just keep a few aspects of your home life at the house? I don’t begrudge you having the rainbow so prominently plastered all over your desk, but so much of what you prattle on about would fall into the TMI category by anybody’s standards. Just thought I would let you know.

Message

FYI to the Holiday Decorators…

The Cat in the Hat has nothing to do with Christmas. Perhaps you meant to do something with the Grinch? He stole Christmas, not that cat. I know times are hard and we are not gonna put up that huge Christmas tree and all the lights to save money, but could you at least get that right for me? Just because its low budget, doesn’t mean it has to be tacky. Thanks in advance!

Lazy Blogging

In an attempt to not let Jameil post 100 times more than me this year, I present to you some lazy blogging. I'm supposed to bold the things that I've done, so I did.


1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a lawsuit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

I ALREADY GAVE!!!

The biggest pimp I know? The Un.i.t.ed W.ay. Now before you get all up in arms and think I'm disparaging one of the countries biggest and most well known charities, just hear me out. The UW is ubiquitous. Not only do you see their commercials during every NFL game, chances are the company you work for is working with them. I know every job I've ever worked has had some kind of fund raising effort for the U.ni..te.d Way. Don't get me wrong, I think its a very good cause, its just... too much.

Look, I'm all for working for the community. Charity is a good thing. But I personally feel that if you give me a choice and I don't want to donate, then that should be the end of it. Every year it's the same thing, no matter what company I work for. There's an introduction to the UW followed by a request to pledge a donation. They take checks and credit cards, but to make it easier, just let them take it directly out of your paycheck. If you don't wanna give, then that's fine too. HOWEVER, you still need to go online and say that you aren't gonna give any money. I guess that's so some people will feel guilty saying no. That's easy enough. It takes 5 minutes to make your pledge or to say you aren't gonna give. Like I do every year, I made my little pledge to the UW. But wait, there's more...

Next, the companies have to supplement the donations. Just having everybody in the major corporation donate is not enough. It's like UW says, "Get back on that corner and get me some more dough." So, like a good hoe, the companies go back on the stroll. They have to get creative to create more cash flow. Some of the things I've personally seen at my jobs have been bake sales, silent auctions, car washes, golf tournaments, raffles to sporting events, and my personal favorite meetings with pseudo celebrities. You too can meet the third string offensive tackle from Atlanta's Arena Football team for a nominal donation to the UW. Yeah, how about no! I ALREADY GAVE MY DONATION. Can you back off me with the crappy contests? But wait, there's more...

Then come the emails. The emails that tell you how far away from our donation goal we are. The emails that tell you that you can always increase your pledge. The emails that tell you about the next fundraiser. The emails that come from an over exuberant coordinator that try to guilt you into giving more money. The excessive sometimes 2-3 times a day emails that flood your work email box. The emails that I actually no longer read because they just get on my nerves. When I was out of the office for a week, I returned to 23 emails about the UW. I was only gone for 7 days! There can not be that much information to provide. If I'm gonna give, I'm gonna give. If not, you aren't gonna change my mind. The worst part about is that I ALREADY GAVE!!! I don't need the constant reminders. But wait, there's more...

Now, it's the last week of the donation period. It's time to have a representative from UW come pimp us, I mean talk to us. As if we hadn't heard enough about them over the last 2 months, now we get to hear personal anecdotes about UW and see inspirational and uplifting videos about them. Like I said, I'm all for charity, but one thing I can't abide is someone trying to manipulate my emotions. Don't show me pictures of snotty nosed kids, or old infirm people in wheelchairs, or welfare mothers who couldn't comb their hair before getting on camera. I'm not drinking the UW Kool-Aid. Like I said...I ALREADY GAVE!!! I mean for real, all this harassment makes me want to rescind my pledge and just give it to the first homeless person I see.

Like I said, I know the U.ni.ted W.ay is a good organization. They work with all kinds of community groups and provide help to a lot of people. I support them. But something has to be done about the browbeating and constant haranguing for donations. There has to be a more dignified way to do this. Am I the only one that notices and gets annoyed by this? Also, I don't know if you heard, but we are in a recession. People can't just be giving to charity, when they can't afford their mortgages or food for their kids. Wait a minute, scratch that... I guess they can donate to the Un.it.ed W.ay, and then the Un.it.ed W.ay can use that same money to help them out.

PS - I was gonna call this post "Rashan Gets All Worked Up Over Nothing!" LOL

Open Letter To President-Elect Obama

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm back now. I'm blog inspired again. I think this is a good one, which means that everybody else will think it sucks and I'll get like 3 comments. LOL

Dear Mr. Obama,

I don’t usually do this. I’m not the type that asks for help from his government, but in light of recent events, I feel compelled to intervene on behalf of those that do not have a voice. We’ve all seen what the government has done with recent bailout of the financial sector, most notably AIG (who I used to work for.) We’ve heard the requests of the Big Three automakers for federal assistance. I know that you are probably reticent to provide additional bailouts with the criticism levied your way about being a Socialist, but this group needs help. And if the government doesn’t do it, I don’t know who will.

Let me give you a little background. I’ve been noticing that the declining economy has been affecting this industry for awhile. Parking lots that once were full languish half empty. People that once would spend their hard earned paycheck in these establishments, now only indulge on special occasions. There just has not been as much disposable income to stimulate the economy in these tough times. But Thursday really drove the point home. As much as one hears about Black Friday, there’s another big day that drives spending… at least in Atlanta. It is affectionately known as Booty Shaking Thursday!

Booty Shaking Thursday is the fourth Thursday in November. It’s a tradition that after all the football, after all the food and after all the family time, men (and lesbians) from all over the city descend on their favorite strip club to give thanks for what God has given…to the strippers (or if you would prefer me to be more politically correct, we can call them dancers.) What’s more American than leaving your family and indulging in hedonistic behavior? Well, this Thursday I saw the unthinkable: There were virtually no patrons at the club as I drove by. Quelle Horror! It’s often been posited that stripping was a recession proof occupation. People will always pay to see women in various states of undress. Well, I’m here to tell you, Mr. President-Elect. The old ways of thinking are wrong. We need fresh ideas in order to stimulate our economy. We need our government to bail out some strippers (and not in the normal way of bailing out because she got a little too “friendly” with an undercover or her cocaine fell out of her boot.)

The ramifications of BST are far reaching. Imagine if there were no strip clubs. It wouldn’t just affect the owners and employees. It would damage our economy. Sales of Coronas and Patron would plummet. Who would buy those clear heeled shoes? The local beauty shop’s business would dry up because no strippers = no lace front weaves and no hideous blonde wigs. Glitter would be used only by kindergartners with school projects. What about that guy in the bathroom that hands you a paper towel after you wash your hands? He would have to get his crack by robbing people instead of the tips of drunken patrons. What about babysitters? If these dancers don’t have to work until 4 in the morning, then they can take care of their own kids. And the big meaty looking bodyguards and bouncers? The NFL ain’t hiring them, so where will they work? They can’t fit in a cubicle! Where else can you find a pack of Blacks for $7, everywhere else they are 3 dollars! That’s $4 dollars a pack stimulating our economy. Think about the economy, Mr President-Elect.

While some people may oppose this plan, I urge you to look at it objectively. It wont cost nearly as much as bailing out GM, and unlike American cars, people actually like strippers. Can you imagine a world where there are more dancers than customers? I, for one, don’t want to live in a world like that. I know you are anti-lobbyist, but if it would help, I can send Persuasion, Peaches and Chocolate Tiger to Washington to plead our case. And don’t worry, I won’t tell Michelle.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal