Open Letter To President-Elect Obama

Okay, I know I haven't posted in a while, but I'm back now. I'm blog inspired again. I think this is a good one, which means that everybody else will think it sucks and I'll get like 3 comments. LOL

Dear Mr. Obama,

I don’t usually do this. I’m not the type that asks for help from his government, but in light of recent events, I feel compelled to intervene on behalf of those that do not have a voice. We’ve all seen what the government has done with recent bailout of the financial sector, most notably AIG (who I used to work for.) We’ve heard the requests of the Big Three automakers for federal assistance. I know that you are probably reticent to provide additional bailouts with the criticism levied your way about being a Socialist, but this group needs help. And if the government doesn’t do it, I don’t know who will.

Let me give you a little background. I’ve been noticing that the declining economy has been affecting this industry for awhile. Parking lots that once were full languish half empty. People that once would spend their hard earned paycheck in these establishments, now only indulge on special occasions. There just has not been as much disposable income to stimulate the economy in these tough times. But Thursday really drove the point home. As much as one hears about Black Friday, there’s another big day that drives spending… at least in Atlanta. It is affectionately known as Booty Shaking Thursday!

Booty Shaking Thursday is the fourth Thursday in November. It’s a tradition that after all the football, after all the food and after all the family time, men (and lesbians) from all over the city descend on their favorite strip club to give thanks for what God has given…to the strippers (or if you would prefer me to be more politically correct, we can call them dancers.) What’s more American than leaving your family and indulging in hedonistic behavior? Well, this Thursday I saw the unthinkable: There were virtually no patrons at the club as I drove by. Quelle Horror! It’s often been posited that stripping was a recession proof occupation. People will always pay to see women in various states of undress. Well, I’m here to tell you, Mr. President-Elect. The old ways of thinking are wrong. We need fresh ideas in order to stimulate our economy. We need our government to bail out some strippers (and not in the normal way of bailing out because she got a little too “friendly” with an undercover or her cocaine fell out of her boot.)

The ramifications of BST are far reaching. Imagine if there were no strip clubs. It wouldn’t just affect the owners and employees. It would damage our economy. Sales of Coronas and Patron would plummet. Who would buy those clear heeled shoes? The local beauty shop’s business would dry up because no strippers = no lace front weaves and no hideous blonde wigs. Glitter would be used only by kindergartners with school projects. What about that guy in the bathroom that hands you a paper towel after you wash your hands? He would have to get his crack by robbing people instead of the tips of drunken patrons. What about babysitters? If these dancers don’t have to work until 4 in the morning, then they can take care of their own kids. And the big meaty looking bodyguards and bouncers? The NFL ain’t hiring them, so where will they work? They can’t fit in a cubicle! Where else can you find a pack of Blacks for $7, everywhere else they are 3 dollars! That’s $4 dollars a pack stimulating our economy. Think about the economy, Mr President-Elect.

While some people may oppose this plan, I urge you to look at it objectively. It wont cost nearly as much as bailing out GM, and unlike American cars, people actually like strippers. Can you imagine a world where there are more dancers than customers? I, for one, don’t want to live in a world like that. I know you are anti-lobbyist, but if it would help, I can send Persuasion, Peaches and Chocolate Tiger to Washington to plead our case. And don’t worry, I won’t tell Michelle.

Sincerely,

Rashan Jamal