Hire Me?

Amidst all the talk about my company being "in a position of strength" and "poised for the future" comes the reality that we are just like everybody else. People will be getting laid off, bonuses are being cut, belts are being tightened. I can see the writing on the wall. I'm not saying I'm gonna be without a job, but I need to prepare for the possibility. Okay, I know that sounds depressing on Christmas Eve, but we had a meeting yesterday that pretty much sealed what I already knew. Times are tough. It's a recession, and I need to find a new job. I've been looking, but there really aren't too many jobs out there. Especially, ones that fit my unique skill set. Instead of sulking or stressig myself out, I'll deal with this the same way I deal with just about everything. By mocking it...

The following is a tongue in cheek list of my qualifications just in case any of you wanna hire me:

I can belittle people with my above average intelligence: I may not be able to do the job the way you want me to do it, but I'll come up with a better way to do it, all the while making my peers and superiors feel stupid. At every job I've had, I've always been the go to person, even when managers and/or people that have worked at the company for 10 years are around. It gives me a dual reputation of an uppity negro and savior. Every company needs that dude you love to hate. You need that in your company? Then, hire me.

I can effectively manage all my sick and vacation time: You know those people that have 10 days of vacation left at the end of the year, or never use any of their alloted sick days? That's not me. I can guarantee you that I will schedule all my vacation in advance and that I will not work the week of Thanksgiving. You don't have to worry about scrambling trying to find days to give me off at the end of the year. Also, that pesky sick time? You wont have to worry about paying me for that (if your company does that.) I'll use it effectively throughout the year. I won't be sick, but I'll use those days anyway.

I can figure out ways to beat the system: You know how some people have problems adapting to changes? That's not me. If you change our goals, then I'll figure out a way to manipulate said goal for my benefit. Things that most people complain about, well let's just say, instead of complaining, I'm figuring out a loophole. Ask my last job. They've changed our goals 7 times in 12 months. But I've always managed to find a way to avoid the pitfalls that other employees fall in. I'm still standing!

You don't have to feed me: Office parties, potlucks, bringing donuts to the office. That can get expensive. Well, let me tell you that I won't be participating in those. That's one less greedy person that you have to spend money on. That can add up. I'm helping your company's bottom line.

Overtime? Are you serious: Yeah, I won't be doing overtime. You don't have to pay me no time and a half. I'm all about 8 hours and going home. I've had jobs previously where I worked 12 hours a day, and I'm not down for that anymore. So, yeah, don't have to worry about me taking all your loot.

I can attract work stalkers like nobody's business: You may wonder how this is a good thing. Well, you can guarantee that these work stalkers will be at work early and every day to see me. It doesn't matter if I don't pay them any attention, they'll be there. That has to be good for your productivity!

I won't ever leave: When I get a job, I'm way too lazy to find another one. I've worked a place for 5 years, one for 6 years, 2 for 2 years. I'm what you may call loyal. You don't have to worry about me running to the competition. I'm a be there until you kick me out.

Okay, that's enough being silly. Merry Christmas Eve! I'll be posting tomorrow on Christmas: 13 Things I Love About Jameil... a kind of follow up to last weeks Thursday Thirteen. If you are around, check it out. If not, Merry Christmas, and I hope you get all the presents you wanted. ONE!