Excuse Me, Sir or Madam (as the case may be)

Excuse Me, Sir? I don’t know if you realize this but you are wearing bright purple pants. I mean, perhaps you got dressed in the dark and didn’t realize that you are wearing your woman’s pants, but I just thought I should let you know. You probably noticed that them slacks were tight when you put them on, but for some reason that didn’t deter you. And while some may applaud your bold choice of adding black cowboy boots to your ensemble, this untrained eye just thinks you look silly. Perhaps, its Prince day in your department and you are going for the androgynous look. If so, I apologize for bringing this to your attention. I just thought you should know how much of a clown you appear to be.

Excuse Me, Madam? I wanted to let you know that you have the most irritating voice known to man. I wish you didn’t not start sitting directly across from me. Your voice sounds like you swallowed some helium from a balloon, only not as high pitched. I got it: its like you swallowed the helium and its starting to wear off, but it never quite gets back to a normal pitched voice. Also, I don’t hear an accent, but the words you use make me think that English is not your first second or fourth language. Could you kindly do me a favor and reduce the volume of your voice? I know you can’t do anything about the quality of it, but you can at least use what preschool teachers call “your inside voice.” Thanks in advance.

Excuse Me, Ma’am? I can tell you that I really don’t care about you and your girlfriend or as you call her, your wife. I don’t need to know when you fight. I don’t need to hear about what you cooked for her. I don’t need to hear about your bedroom activities. I sure don’t need to hear about how your grown daughter doesn’t liker her. Can you please just keep a few aspects of your home life at the house? I don’t begrudge you having the rainbow so prominently plastered all over your desk, but so much of what you prattle on about would fall into the TMI category by anybody’s standards. Just thought I would let you know.