Unscheduled Meeting

I think I'm in the minority of workers. I actually love meetings. While some people go out of their way to avoid them, I pray for an interruption to my work day. I used to love Fridays at work because we would have an hour and 45 minutes worth of meetings on the last day of the week. It made the day go by very quickly. True, I never really pay attention in the meetings, preferring to either surf the web if a computer is handy or write out my thoughts or mock the person that is saying something inappropriate or just plain stupid. Either way, I enjoy not having to work...

Unscheduled meetings, however, are the worst. You never know what's coming, but you know its not going to be good. The last unscheduled meeting we had, we found out that they were cutting monthly bonuses. One before that, turned out to be a shilling session for the United Way, and one before that was to tell us that some of our leadership team were being reassigned, leaving us in the hands of unproven management. Needless to say when my manager told us to go to the conference room around 6:45 on Friday, I had a little trepidation.

I knew it wasn't going to be good when our team sat down, and then the site leader and two department managers joined us. Never being one to be able to hide my reactions, the shock showed on my face. I wondered what was wrong now. Were we going to lose our jobs? Did someone do something especially egregious that warranted this massive show of management? I really had no idea. Then the site leader spoke.

"I can see on your faces that you are surprised to have all of us here. Let me first say that this is not about anyone losing their jobs."

Relief poured through me. He continued..

"I do have to share some bad news with you though. Earlier today, one of your teammates, Jeffrey passed away."

I knew Jeffrey was sick. When I first met him, he was coming back from leave. He had been out of work for several months. Then later he had a stroke and missed some more time, before coming back and leaving again. He hadn't been at work for several months before his death. There had been talk about him coming back to work in March, but I didn't know if that was true. And now he was dead. People around me started crying, others, such as myself maintained a solemn facade. Nobody really knew what to say, as happens when bad news strikes. I scanned the room and took in the grief that some were feeling and wondered why I didn't feel the same. I mean, it was definitely bad news, but it didn't affect me deeply.

The words droned on, as people shared their memories and tried to work through it to get to a happy place. The phrase "that's what Jeffrey would have wanted" popped up several times. I started to feel bad that I had nothing to share. I didn't want him to die, but I didn't exactly have any appropriate memories to relay at the time. We weren't friends. Truth be told, he was annoying. I didn't like being around him because he was always begging for food, a ride, or $5. I was uncomfortable at his intrusive nature and his not so subtle attempts to find out if I was either gay, or messing with every girl that came by my desk. I actually wrote about him here *click link*. He was nosy, and I felt like anything he found out about me would soon become the office gossip. So, I did like I always do. I don't tell anyone about myself. No matter how many times he would try to interrogate me, I deflected, avoided, and flat out told him to mind his business.

So, yeah, we weren't friends. I didn't want him to die though. I felt bad that I was thinking about the things that annoyed me at a time like this. Why couldn't I just be like everyone else and be in mourning? Was something wrong with me? Do I really not care that Jeffrey died? Maybe, its just a man thing. Maybe men aren't in touch with emotions like that. No, that wasn't it. I did care. It just didn't hit me that strongly because we weren't close. I'm sure if it was someone I was friendly with I'd feel... something. As it was though, I just couldn't be like everyone else. I couldn't pretend to be broken up, because in truth, I wasn't. I didn't want him to die (I know I keep repeating this, but I want you to realize this is the truth), but it didn't personally affect me.

Monday, they had grief counselors on site to help people that needed it. People kept making vigils to Jeffrey's desk and crying. Some people came by just to be nosy. People I know didn't even know him. It was very annoying. I understand if you knew him, but if you don't even know who he was, why are you crying? They would ask "which one was Jeffrey?" The answer was always "Remember that dude that did the split at the meeting?" Or "Remember the people meeting when the guy went crazy bobbing for apples?" And then there would be tears. You don't know him! Now take your sobbing and be out. And then they all want to know how he died. I don't know. I have my suspicions, but I'm not gonna tell you. You don't even know him, and you don't know me, so it is entirely inappropriate for you to be asking.

There's a memorial service on Saturday. I'm going to be out of town, so I won't be going. Let's be honest though. I wouldn't have gone even if I was in town. I don't want to sound callous, but we weren't friends. I'm sorry that he's dead, but I don't have a desire to sit around and see people have emotions that I couldn't quite conjure up. Or even worse, see people displaying phony emotions. I just wish that I could feel some kind of way about it. I feel like a bad person for not having any emotion.

Damn, I hate unscheduled meetings.