You Are NOT The Father

My biggest fear in life, besides midgets and conjoined twins, is to one day have a child and then find out its not really mine. I'd like to think it couldn't happen to me, but I realize that most people cheat, so it's always a possibility. I couldn't imagine being in a position where I was unsure if my child was really mine. The reason I'm writing about this today is a conversation I was having at work yesterday. This woman is pregnant and has no idea who the father is. What's worse, is there are 3 possibilities. I'm all for free love and all but with that comes responsibility. You would think that if there are going to be multiple partners there should at least be some sort of safe sex going on. Call me old fashioned, but I think that cheating should only be done with one person at a time. How dare you cheat on the dude that you are cheating with? It's just not right.

I'm making jokes about it, but it really bothered me when she was talking about it. I don't really know her like that and she was just volunteering all her business to a bunch of strangers. It's like we were on a talk show. I was trying to stay out of the conversation, because I know my smart ass would have said something inappropriate, like "were you trying to win a Guinness World Record for Most Guys did in a 24 hour period?" But then she asked me straight up what I thought about it. I started to be diplomatic, then I thought better of it and kept it real with the woman. I told her that I thought she was being irresponsible and that as soon as the child is born she needs to have a blood test to determine paternity. (I know they have those tests you can get while the child is still in the womb, but I doubt she would pay for one of those.) I feel strongly that she shouldn't allow her boyfriend to get all attached to the child if there is a possibility its not his. Of course, she's not going to do that. Whether the child is his or not, his name will be on the birth certificate because he has no idea about her extra curricular activities.

What happens when they break up? Does she continue to have him claim a kid that may not be his? Do they go on Maury Povich and have paternity tests? I don't know what's the deal with her. Or maybe I'm just not being realistic. Maybe there are too many men out there that don't take care of their children and she feels like she needs to keep the one that will, even if its not his child. And to confess to infidelity would probably ruin their relationship, although its probably already ruined if she needs to sleep with two other dudes. I don't have the answers. What do you think? You ever known someone in that situation? What advice did you or would you give them? I know I'm looking at it from a man's perspective and I know I would be devastated if it happened to me. I'm interested to know what everyone else thinks.

Quick Question(s)

Why do people like Keyshia Cole?

Now that I have made salmon and a roast this week without a recipe, does that officially mean I can cook?

How come every time I cook, I don't eat it until the next day?

What did she mean by "maybe we should go out and have some fun?"

Is she talking sex, dating or just hanging out?

Why did I give her my number?

Why have I started and stopped 4 different posts this morning?

How come you calling this damn early in the morning? So what if I didnt go to sleep yet?

How come you won't let me beat yo baby daddy ass? The offer still stands

Why don't I have any plans yet for this weekend?

Why is everybody gonna call me at the last minute to go out?

Why am I a white girl magnet this week?

How come I listened to the radio (I forgot to charge the Ipod) for the first time in a month and they are playing the same damn songs?

How come everybody tells me their secrets and I don't reciprocate?

Why are you trying to make us drink the Kool-Aid? This is a job, not a cult.

What kind of promotion comes without a salary increase?

Why is it 9:00 AM on my day off and I still haven't been to sleep yet?

Can We Fire Him Now?

I am a lifelong New York Knicks fan. Peep the blog colors. These are the colors of the Knicks (and my college Savannah State University.) Seriously, since 1983, I've loved them. The year I fell in love with hip hop (Run-DMC's "Rockbox") is the same year I fell in love with Knicks. I remember like it was yesterday, Bernard King and the boys running over the league only to fall to the Celtics in a 7 game playoff series. I remember thinking at the time, in my 9 year old mind, next year will be our year.



Over the years, we (and I say we, cuz that's how much of a fan I am) had some close calls, but something always seemed to get in the way of our championship. Michael Fucking Jordan (I hated him until like 98) every year dunking on my boys, Reggie Fucking Miller (I still hate him to this day) scoring 8 points in 16 seconds, Patrick Ewing blowing a layup when he should have dunked it at the end of the game, Charles Smith missing like 6 shots in a row on the same possession, John Starks going 1 for 18 in game 7 of the NBA finals against Houston. We got to the finals but never won it. Through all that I was a proud Knicks fan. I could always count on them to put a competitive team on the floor and be on national TV so I could see them play. But then something strange happened. A saboteur was named President of the New York Knickerbockers. His name: Isiah Thomas.





Isiah is an NBA legend. He was a great player back in the day. I didn't like him because his team, the Pistons were a rival, but I always respected him. Even when he kissed Magic Johnson at center court, I still had respect for him. I didn't even trip when he bankrupted an entire basketball league when he was the owner of the CBA. When I heard he was gonna be running my Knicks, I was actually excited. We had been slumping for awhile and fresh blood was needed to turn things around. How wrong was I?







Instead of being a savior, Isiah has made the Knicks even less competitive. He is the king of making stupid trades, giving fat contracts to scrubs and signing too many players that play the same position. I thought after last year, I would have been rid of him, but then he named himself as the coach too. Everybody kept telling me, give him a chance. It's not his fault. Things will get better. The Knicks played pretty well for awhile. Things were starting to look up again. There was a chance I could see the Knicks in the playoffs again. Then they gave Isiah a contract extension and the Knicks immediately took the first train to Suckyville again. I knew it was gonna happen. For 3 years I've been calling for the Knicks to fire Isiah, but they didn't do it.



Fast forward to yesterday. Isiah was found liable for sexually harassing a female executive while working for the Knicks. Can you please fire him now? What has to happen before you get rid of this guy? I'll admit, I don't know if he did it or not, but can we please just use this as an excuse to get rid of Isiah? I'm tired of the Knicks sucking and not making the playoffs. I would like to see them win a championship some time before I die. I don't want to be like those Boston Red Sox fans that waited their entire lives to see them win a World Series. I would like to be able to see the Knicks on TV without buying that damn NBA Season Pass. Can they please come on free TV? That's not gonna happen until they get good again, and they wont be good again until they fire Isiah Thomas. So, please lets make that happen...expeditiously. Stop letting Isiah sabotage my team. February 29th, I will be at Phillips Arena when the Knicks come to play Atlanta. Please don't let Isiah be there. This lifelong Knicks fan's patience is running thin.

What I Wanted To Say/What I Actually Said

It's been well established that I have problems. My internal dialogue is a mess. Sometimes I say the first thing that comes to my mind, other times I say the last thing that comes to my mind, sometimes I don't say anything at all. It's all a result of my trying not to say the wrong thing. Here are some of the things I wanted to say at work followed by what I actually said.

I wanted to say... Don't you see I'm listening to music. The ear buds mean don't talk to me. In fact why would you go out of your way to talk to me, when I'm obviously not trying to carry on a conversation. Let's see how long I can ignore you before you get the fucking point.
I actually said... Were you talking to me? What's up?

I wanted to say... Son, you are new around here. Let me school you on how this works. In order to manage a team, you actually have to talk to them. You can't disappear for 4 hours and then show up like you were here the whole time and expect them to respect you. I know its your first day and you are busy, but seriously, you couldn't tell them when you would be back? They think you are just a big ass slacker. That's why they keep coming to me with every little problem, but its not my job.
I actually said... Hey, maybe when you go to these long meetings, you can send an email so the team knows when to expect you back.

I wanted to say...Why would I want to know your favorite song?
I actually said... Why would I want to know your fav... I mean, what is it?

I wanted to say...Really? You like that T. Pain song? How old are you? I'll admit his songs are catchy and grow on you, but that's your favorite song? Wait, you do know that isn't his song. He's just singing the hook. The guy rapping's name is Plies. He sucks. Have you heard the lyrics? They are pretty bad. I'm mean, he rhymed "yours" and "blow it." That doesn't rhyme... at all. I'm sorry but if that is your favorite song, we can't be friends. I thought you were cool, but now... I have to reevaluate that.
I actually said... For real? Hmm. Do you vote for it on 106 and Park with the rest of the 16 year olds? Stop hitting me. LOL

I wanted to say... God, you are so beautiful. We work together, so I don't want to date you or anything, I just think someone as beautiful as you are needs to hear it at least once a day. Please forgive me if you caught me staring, I just couldn't look away.
I actually said... Hey, how you doin'?

I wanted to say... Would you please stop looking at me like you want to eat me? I must look like on Tom and Jerry, when Tom is hungry and everything he looks at is a big ass turkey leg. I am not a turkey leg, so stop it, dammit.
I actually said... (nothing, I just kept quiet. I guess this is what you ladies feel everyday. It just made me feel dirty.)

I wanted to say... No, you are not blacker than her. You are White. You are a Caucasian, You hail from Europe. Stop talking like that. You sound about as Black as Tyra Banks with her fake ass sista girl speech. Stop trying to do the neck roll thing. Did I mention that you are White? Just talk normally. Besides, since when does being Black have anything to do with the way you talk? All you are doing is just being a parody of what you think a Black girl is supposed to sound like. Listen to your friend. She doesn't talk like that and she is an actual real life African American. You are killing me with this conversation, so please cut it out.
I actually said... Being Black has nothing to do with the way you talk. We are far more diverse than you think.

I wanted to say... Didn't you have to take an assessment of some sort before you were hired? How come you don't know how to use email? You send the email by clicking the button that says send. You can read right?
I actually said... After you finish typing, you just click this button (pointing to the screen.)

I wanted to say... Hey, Kool Aid Man!! Just shut the fuck up! I really don't wanna hear anything else you have to say unless it's "OH YEEAAAHH" followed by you busting through the wall with a pitcher of grape liquid refreshment. I get that you think you are really fresh with the all red outfit on, but seriously, you look like the Kool Aid Man. On a side note, where does one get red gators from? Let me know, cuz I would like to burn down that store so nobody ever rocks those again. I got the Zippo and I always wanted to see if I could throw it in a streak of gasoline like they do in the movies and watch something blow up.
I actually said...Wow...red gators and me without my camera.

What I Wanted To Say... Some tattoos are sexy. That one that you are showing me right now of the rose and the misspelling of the word "special"--not so much. You do realize that for eternity, you and your tattoo artist are gonna go down as the dumbest people on the face of the earth. You permanently have a misspelling affixed to your lower back. I was watching some show and they called it a tramp stamp. Now not only are people gonna think you are a tramp, they are going to think that you are a stupid tramp. Seriously, how hard is it to consult a dictionary before debasing your body? Specail, really? Do you even know its spelled wrong?
What I Actually Said... Ummm... I don't know how to tell you this, but you don't spell special like that. Maybe you already know, but yeah, that's not cool. (She actually thought I was kidding. Had to pull up a dictionary online.)

All of these scenarios actually happened. I often find myself surrounded by the weirdest people. What does that say about me? Maybe I'm the weird one.

Pictures And Stuff

This weekend I hung out with the ex co workers. I didn't ask anybody's permission to post their picture so if you know them, just don't tell them about it. This will be our little secret. These are all people I used to work with.


Me after a few


Me and Loquacious Girl. That's what I called her on my old blog. She used to sit right outside my office and eavesdrop on my personal phone calls and talk all day.


Me and K (aka half of the Maybe-Weds)


Shot # 4? or was it 5? I lost count.


Me and Inappropriate Cleavage Girl. It's covered today, but when I used to be her manager, the twins were always on display


They are doing shots called BlowJobs. Supposed to do it with no hands.



Me and C. I couldn't think of a nickname for her. But she's mad cool.


Me and Chi-Town. If you read the old blog, this is the one who used to come over all the time to watch the Sopranos and drink all my liquor.


Me, Chi-town, Loqacious Girl, and K


Will somebody tell them to hurry up and get married already?


I don't know how I actually got them to pose together. They actually hate each other in many different combinations.


A bunch of ex co-workers including B.A.N. (Bitchazznigga)


Another group shot.

The Apple Picking thing pretty muched sucked. It wasn't like I remembered it as a kid. Maybe because that was in New York and here I was in the mountains of Georgia. There weren't hardly any apples left to pick. But there was a petting zoo. The kids got to play with some animals. I of course, hate animals and have horrible allergies so I stayed on the outside and took pictures. Here are some of the flicks I snapped.



T.


D.


C.


Me and the Boys



Me and C.

The rest of these pictures are from just chilling around the house.


My niece and nephew on my computer


My nephew on his laptop. Yes, the 11 year old has a laptop and I don't. He paid for most of it himself.


I do have more than one shirt, but this is from a couple of weeks ago, about to go to the Stevie Wonder concert. I would have put up a pic of me and PHD, but Diva told me not to.

And finally, here is my little nephew again. He's going through potty training now. They sing him a song "Potty like a Big Boy" to the tune of "Party Like a Rockstar" I wish I could upload video, because I got one of him on the potty with his stunner shades on, rocking along to the song. It just might be the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life.


POTTY LIKE A ROCKSTAR


Okay, sorry for overloading you with pictures, but it's easier than writing a real post. Have a great start to your week! I'll holla on Tuesday.

Not Much Of A Post Today

Just a short post today. I couldn't find anything in my drafts that didn't need extensive editing and I don't feel like doing that...

The weekend is upon us again and this time I got stuff to do. I had to find alternate plans since PHD is going to be hanging out with her sorors at her undergrad homecoming this weekend. My old job is closing their office here in Atlanta and sending the jobs to Mexico or something, so I'm supposed to hang out with the old co workers as they celebrate unemployment. I told them I was coming early in the week, but then I looked at the Evite invitation list and there are some people coming I just don't want to see. Well, really just one, but I guess I'll suck it up and worse come to worst, I'll just get drunk and curse somebody out. I'll be sure to take lots of pictures of the drunken debauchery.

Saturday is going to be a family day. I mentioned in my Dear Autumn post about how I used to go apple picking every fall as a kid. Well, the next day my sister told me she was taking the kids to do that this weekend. So, I invited myself to hang out with them. The apple orchard is somewhere up in North Georgia and we'll be going in the morning provided that we get our procrastination in check. I don't have anything to do that night, but the Atlanta Football Classic is this weekend, and the city will be packed, so if I want to I'm sure I can find somewhere to go. More than likely, I'll just stay home and watch those DVD's (Knocked Up, Grindhouse, and Next) I got from Netflix. Sunday, I'm supposed to get up with PHD in the afternoon. Probably just go to lunch or something before I go to work, but I'm not sure yet.

And that's it. Not much of a post today, but it's the weekend, why should I have to do work? Have a great weekend, and I'll get at cha next week.

From My Drafts: How To Remain Celibate (Without Really Trying)

Sometimes I just think of a concept I like and try to write about it. Sometimes it works out, other times the tone completely changes in the middle of the post. That's what happened with this one. When I started writing this post, it was intended to be lighthearted and jocular. I soon realized that most of it is actually true and it wasn't so funny to me anymore. I also sounded like I was biting the Humanity Critic's style, so I never posted it. Anyway, maybe you will find some humor in this one. I wrote this back in early July. More sad truth about Rashan!

How To Remain Celibate (Without Really Trying)

It's amazing how easy it is to not have sex. Sometimes just a simple word or action will keep you chaste. I sat down and thought about what's (not) going on. Here are some of the ways I have managed to maintain my unintentional celibacy over the last few months.

Not Returning Phone Calls - I don't ever answer my phone. Usually its because I'm busy or sleep, but sometimes I just don't feel like hearing about the same old stuff over and over. I had an old partner call me a couple of months ago. It had been a while and I just assumed it was the regular old catching up phone call. I didn't even listen to the message until a couple of days later. When I finally returned the call, I was quickly informed that I suck and I should have called back sooner and all the rest of the lecture that I always get when I neglect to call people back. And then just to make matters worse, it turns out my one missed call was a booty call (do people still use that term?). Chalk one up for the abstinence police.

Inappropriate Memory - Met this girl named something or other. Thought I knew her, but couldn't remember where from. After a couple of days talking on the phone, it hit me. She used to dance at the Blue Flame. Her stripper name was Black Desire. I found a pretext to ask her about it, and she lied at first and said it wasn't her. She told me the real deal a couple days later. As much as I like strippers, I can't see myself messing with one. Hypocritical? You damn right, but it is what it is.

Post Coital Pillow Talk - The last time I had sex, we did what we did and I was damn near sleep. She kept fidgeting and talking to me. I accidentally said "Are you still talking?" I know that was messed up. I was thinking it but I didn't mean to say it out loud. Oops. Coincidence or not, there has been no return engagement.

Multiple Personalities - Occasionally, T. Cas decides that he wants to come out and play. Rashan is a nice guy who sometimes has a smart mouth. T. Cas is a smart ass with a mean streak. T. Cas usually lies dormant until the liquor gets in me, but on a few occasions, he has come out saying shit that Rashan regrets. Like the time when this girl read me a poem she wrote. Rashan would have said something like "oh that was pretty good." But T. Cas said something like "I see where you were trying to go, but the rhyme scheme was a little juvenile." Not the best tactic for convincing a girl to swallow my babies.

Clueless - I sometimes get my Stacy Dash on and get real clueless. I have no idea that a chick is feeling me. I miss all the signs until its too late. I don't see a light touch on the arm as the flirting it really is until I analyze the situation later. Then I curse myself out for being so dense. Probably also not a good idea to ask "Why?" when she asked me to put my number in her phone.

Nerd Alert - I have to remind myself that not everybody gets me when I'm in nerd mode. Instead of finding me scholarly, they find me pedantic. So instead of saying "talk a lot" I say "loquacious" or instead of just saying I don't like Lil Wayne, I break off into a ten minute diatribe about how he just babbles incoherently in the hopes that the listener doesn't realize that what he said doesn't actually mean anything. Or coming up with specific examples of how that line that everybody else thinks is so hot is actually a bad simile that would make Rakim commit suicide so he can turn over in his grave. See I'm doing it again. I gotta remember to dumb it down for my audience if I'm gonna actually have relations sometime this year.

Just Plain Not Trying - Here in lies the major reason. By no means do I consider myself to be God's gift to women, but damn, some of the ugliest, no job having, treat women wrong type brothers can get some, so why can't I? I guess its because I don't try. I could analyze myself and say its a fear of rejection, or maybe it's because I just I don't wanna be bothered with people. I don't know, I haven't gotten that far in therapy yet. That old adage applies to my dealing with women: "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." Shit, maybe I just want someone to chase me and do the hard work.

Whatever the reason, I'm in a dry spell. Nah, check that. My shit is like the Mojave. I have been unintentionally celibate for, nope I'm not even going to type how long. I started this post making jokes, but now looking at the truth of the situation, I'm actually kinda depressed. LOL. I might as well start looking in to a monastery.

Alternate Titles: We're Not Making Love No Mo', Unintentional Celibacy, No Sex And The City, How To Talk Your Way Out Of Sex...