What I Wanted To Say/What I Actually Said

It's been well established that I have problems. My internal dialogue is a mess. Sometimes I say the first thing that comes to my mind, other times I say the last thing that comes to my mind, sometimes I don't say anything at all. It's all a result of my trying not to say the wrong thing. Here are some of the things I wanted to say at work followed by what I actually said.

I wanted to say... Don't you see I'm listening to music. The ear buds mean don't talk to me. In fact why would you go out of your way to talk to me, when I'm obviously not trying to carry on a conversation. Let's see how long I can ignore you before you get the fucking point.
I actually said... Were you talking to me? What's up?

I wanted to say... Son, you are new around here. Let me school you on how this works. In order to manage a team, you actually have to talk to them. You can't disappear for 4 hours and then show up like you were here the whole time and expect them to respect you. I know its your first day and you are busy, but seriously, you couldn't tell them when you would be back? They think you are just a big ass slacker. That's why they keep coming to me with every little problem, but its not my job.
I actually said... Hey, maybe when you go to these long meetings, you can send an email so the team knows when to expect you back.

I wanted to say...Why would I want to know your favorite song?
I actually said... Why would I want to know your fav... I mean, what is it?

I wanted to say...Really? You like that T. Pain song? How old are you? I'll admit his songs are catchy and grow on you, but that's your favorite song? Wait, you do know that isn't his song. He's just singing the hook. The guy rapping's name is Plies. He sucks. Have you heard the lyrics? They are pretty bad. I'm mean, he rhymed "yours" and "blow it." That doesn't rhyme... at all. I'm sorry but if that is your favorite song, we can't be friends. I thought you were cool, but now... I have to reevaluate that.
I actually said... For real? Hmm. Do you vote for it on 106 and Park with the rest of the 16 year olds? Stop hitting me. LOL

I wanted to say... God, you are so beautiful. We work together, so I don't want to date you or anything, I just think someone as beautiful as you are needs to hear it at least once a day. Please forgive me if you caught me staring, I just couldn't look away.
I actually said... Hey, how you doin'?

I wanted to say... Would you please stop looking at me like you want to eat me? I must look like on Tom and Jerry, when Tom is hungry and everything he looks at is a big ass turkey leg. I am not a turkey leg, so stop it, dammit.
I actually said... (nothing, I just kept quiet. I guess this is what you ladies feel everyday. It just made me feel dirty.)

I wanted to say... No, you are not blacker than her. You are White. You are a Caucasian, You hail from Europe. Stop talking like that. You sound about as Black as Tyra Banks with her fake ass sista girl speech. Stop trying to do the neck roll thing. Did I mention that you are White? Just talk normally. Besides, since when does being Black have anything to do with the way you talk? All you are doing is just being a parody of what you think a Black girl is supposed to sound like. Listen to your friend. She doesn't talk like that and she is an actual real life African American. You are killing me with this conversation, so please cut it out.
I actually said... Being Black has nothing to do with the way you talk. We are far more diverse than you think.

I wanted to say... Didn't you have to take an assessment of some sort before you were hired? How come you don't know how to use email? You send the email by clicking the button that says send. You can read right?
I actually said... After you finish typing, you just click this button (pointing to the screen.)

I wanted to say... Hey, Kool Aid Man!! Just shut the fuck up! I really don't wanna hear anything else you have to say unless it's "OH YEEAAAHH" followed by you busting through the wall with a pitcher of grape liquid refreshment. I get that you think you are really fresh with the all red outfit on, but seriously, you look like the Kool Aid Man. On a side note, where does one get red gators from? Let me know, cuz I would like to burn down that store so nobody ever rocks those again. I got the Zippo and I always wanted to see if I could throw it in a streak of gasoline like they do in the movies and watch something blow up.
I actually said...Wow...red gators and me without my camera.

What I Wanted To Say... Some tattoos are sexy. That one that you are showing me right now of the rose and the misspelling of the word "special"--not so much. You do realize that for eternity, you and your tattoo artist are gonna go down as the dumbest people on the face of the earth. You permanently have a misspelling affixed to your lower back. I was watching some show and they called it a tramp stamp. Now not only are people gonna think you are a tramp, they are going to think that you are a stupid tramp. Seriously, how hard is it to consult a dictionary before debasing your body? Specail, really? Do you even know its spelled wrong?
What I Actually Said... Ummm... I don't know how to tell you this, but you don't spell special like that. Maybe you already know, but yeah, that's not cool. (She actually thought I was kidding. Had to pull up a dictionary online.)

All of these scenarios actually happened. I often find myself surrounded by the weirdest people. What does that say about me? Maybe I'm the weird one.