I Couldn't Be In A Cult

I couldn't be in a cult. It's just not for me. I'm sure even people in cults didn't ever think they would be in one, but I know for a fact it wouldn't work out for me. By now, you're probably wondering exactly what the hell I am talking about. It's not normal for people to just make declarations of their un-cult worthiness, but I actually have a reason for thinking about this. As you may know I am a bit of a history buff. I actually minored in history in college and often times when I can't sleep I will watch the History Channel or something like that. Well, last night, I was watching a show about the Jonestown Massacre. If you don't remember that, it was when this preacher convinced his followers to give up all their belongings and move to Guyana. And when shit went bad, he convinced them to commit a mass suicide by drinking cyanide laced Kool Aid. Over 900 people died. That's the condensed version.

Later in the day, I was talking to someone I wouldn't normally talk to, and they were talking about how Amway was a cult. It could have been a coincidence that cults came up twice in one day. But you know what they say, right? There is no such thing as coincidence, just blog topics! It made me think, how do people get caught up in a cult? I know it couldn't be me. There are just certain characteristics that I lack. I know I couldn't be in a cult and here's why.

Materialism: I'm not a very materialistic person, but damnit, I'm not giving you shit I worked for. You always read about how people give up all their worldly possessions to the cult leader. Ain't no way in hell that's happening with me. If you need to hold like $200, I got you, but you are not gonna take my ride or my computer or anything I paid for myself. That just wont work for me.

The Names: I'm not calling a grown man Daddy or High Priest, or anything other than his name. I'm a man just like you. I can see that getting me in trouble in the cult. I'll be put in cult prison for not showing the proper respect to the reincarnation of Jesus/Buddha/Dalai Lama.

Sex: I'm sorry but nobody is having sex with my wife but me. I'm not sharing her with the cult leader. And even if I wasn't married, why does the leader get all the women? I'm hating. Share some of them with ya boy, ya greedy bastard! I have needs too. After a long hard day of toiling in the hemp garden, it would be nice to come home to a woman. But, no, you get to have a harem while the rest of us just have blueballs. That's not gonna work for me. And why do cult leaders always have to have sex with underage girls? I can't hang around a bunch of sick perverted muhfuckas, its bad enough that I listen to his music.

Mind Control: Ask anybody who has ever tried to get me to change my mind, its damn near impossible. The cult's mind control tactics wouldn't work on my stubborn ass. Some stuff I just know that I know, and no amount of manipulation will convince me. I honestly can't see myself being brain washed. I'm way too cynical about everything. Case in point, you remember that email that was going around about the guy who had that elaborate proposal? I think that was made up. And no matter how many people tried to convince me it was real, I still say it was staged as a publicity stunt for the photographer. Nothing short of actually meeting that couple and getting an invitation to the wedding will convince me otherwise. So, see, there is no controlling my cynical mind.

Taking Orders: I know we all take orders in our day to day life, but there's a difference. If I don't do my job, then they can fire me, and I'll find another job. In a cult, if they tell me what to do, and I don't do it, they might kill me. I would be dead quickly, because I can't stand people telling me what to do. More than anything, that is the best way to repulse me. Maybe I have some sort of latent psychic connection with my slave ancestors, but whenever some calls themselves giving me an order, I go a little Nat Turner. That's probably why I didn't pledge a fraternity in college. I wouldn't make it through rush week with people telling me what to do.

Social Aspect: I just don't like a lot of people. I couldn't live with a bunch of people who all think the same. I would be bored out of my mind. Besides, can you really just say you want some alone time, when you are sleeping in a barn with 10 roommates and bunk beds? I have a feeling my bouts of not talking to people for weeks at a time wouldn't exactly endear me to my fellow cultists.

The Apocalypse: Cults are always talking about the end of the world. Shit, I'm trying to live for as long as I can. I can't mess with all that morbidity. I can't live my life thinking that the world is going to end at any moment. I know its in the Bible, but the limited amount of the Bible I know also says that no man knows when the end is coming. Stop trying to make Doomsday happen sooner than its supposed to.

Charisma: I know the definition of the word, but I can honestly say, I don't find people charismatic. I don't put people up on a pedestal (except Gabrielle Union, but that's a different kind of charisma.) I can't see myself following someone because of charisma. Sorry, I'm just not a follower. I think that is a prerequisite for being in a cult.

See, it just wouldn't work out for me. Maybe instead of joining a cult, I can start one. I've been told that I have a knack for making people see my point of view. People have been known to adopt my characteristics if they hang around me long enough. And I know I can make people fall in love with the idea of me. Maybe that'll be my new venture. I just have to think of a name. You wanna join my cult?