Lies: The Science Fair Project

I was supposed to add some details to my post about lying last week. Here is one of those stories:


When I was a kid, I was a horrible student. Don’t get me wrong, I was probably one of the smartest kids in my school, but I was lazy, disorganized, and generally determined not to do homework. My natural intelligence usually got me out of any jams, but in 7th grade, the situation came to a head. *EDIT* Now that I think about it, it may have been 8th grade. I actually might be mixing 2 stories up. Dang, I’m getting old.

It was time for the annual science fair. As always, I procrastinated. I started my project with good intentions about a month before it was due, but never quite picked it up where I left off. My project was something about determining the different kinds of metals in US Coins. I know even the topic was lazy. I could look all that up in the library. But whatever, my teacher approved it, so I was on my way. I had everything I needed: triptych, stencils – so the writing would be neat, chemistry set… All I needed was to actually do the tests, and write the report. But I didn’t… When it got time for the day of the Science Fair, I had a half finished triptych, no actual testing done and a report that consisted of 3 handwritten pages with no bibliography, no conclusions and I’m pretty sure I didn’t even put my name on it. My mom didn’t really supervise my work at that point, so I was able to get out of the house without her checking it. I carried my triptych to the bus, and took the bus ride across town to DeRenne Middle School. As I sat on the bus, I was thinking, “I can’t turn this in. It would be better to get an F for not turning it in, than for turning in a sub par product.”

But then I caught a break. My homeroom teacher told us to set up our projects in the library. The bright idea hit me then. It was a lie, not a very good one, but one that I stuck to. “I put my Science Fair project in the library. I don’t know what happened after that.” As all the other kids walked to the library, I walked the other way to the dumpster. I dumped my half finished triptych in the dumpster behind the cafeteria. I then walked nervously, yet coolly to the library to join my classmates. I was a bit of a loner, so I didn’t have to really worry about people questioning me about my project.

About a week later, the teacher returned the Science Fair projects reports to our class. Kids exclaimed as they got their A’s, some winced as they got C’s, but of course, I didn’t get a paper back.

“Mrs. Spann – I didn’t get my report back”

“Well, we need to talk about that after class. I never got a science fair project from you.”

“I put it in the library.”

“Well, I never got it. We’ll need to discuss this with your parents.”

Man, I was shook. I never had any bad parent teacher conferences. Sure, I got some poor progress reports telling my mom that I needed to do my homework, but I never showed them to her. As long as my grades were good at the end of the semester, that was all she needed to know. Now, we were gonna have to meet with Mrs Spann, and there was no way I could avoid that. I decided to do a preemptive strike when I got home. I had thought about it on the bus ride home. I needed irrefutable details. The slightest deviation from the story and the lie would fail. I practiced the perfect mix of disappointment and righteous indignation. I even planned out the sad look I was gonna throw out. I was a lying machine. I know I sound like a sociopath, and I guess I was back then. Everybody lies, but not everybody would go to the lengths that I did to avoid getting in trouble.

“Mom, they lost my science fair project. I put it in the library with the rest, and now it’s gone. Mrs. Spann says I’m gonna get a zero.”

She musta knew I was running game cuz she looked skeptical. But after giving her made up details of the project including when and where I did the tests, she started believing me. It was hard to keep up the lie, but I did it. I somehow managed to not only convince my mother, but myself that I did the project. It was almost like I was telling the truth, that’s how convincing I was. So convincing that my mom had my back and got me a do over on the project. I still didn’t put my all into it and wound up getting a C, but a C is much better than a zero. LOL

I know, lying is wrong, but it worked out this time. Go ahead and scold me for lying to my mom. I think the statute of limitations has run out sometime over the last 20 years. LOL

Pandemic

For real, son. I’m on the lookout for the swine flu. I don’t know how people really get it, but I’m gonna do this my way. If you nasty, I’m avoiding you. If you sneezing, I’m avoiding you. If you bring food into work, I’m avoiding both you and it. Nah, I don’t want none of your potato salad with the special swine flu sauce. I’m good on your instant death spaghetti. I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to get dead from the sniffles. Also, don’t touch my computer. I can handle my own germs, I don’t need yours. That’s ain’t what’s hot in the ’09.Which leads me to today’s tomfoolery. I’m in the restroom washing my hands, which I tend to do compulsively when I think about pandemics. This dude walks in, goes to the urinal, then before I’m even finished washing my hands, walks straight out. Doesn’t stop at the sink for even a pretend washing, just walks straight out. I was appalled. You read stories about stuff like this happening, but when it happens to you… *holds back tears* I felt so violated. His germs were all over the place. I’m looking around like I’m on Punk’d or something. Grown men don’t do this, do they? Professional cats wash their hands, right?

So, now I’m wondering where on the door did this dude touch. Did he use the handle? Or did he click the handicap easy open button? Anywhere on the wood? I can’t touch this door. I’m like Monk. Everywhere I look I see little pathogens waiting to kill me. Why don’t I have some rubber gloves? A hazmat suit? A surgical mask? This junk could be airborne. Great, now I’m dodging imaginary viruses and bacteria surrounding me. I probably should get the heck out of this bathroom, but I can’t help but wash my hands one more time. Hopefully, I’ll avoid this flu, but just any case, does anyone have one of those radiation scrubbing things? I didn’t know where the germs were, so I just kicked open the door. Luckily, it opens automatically once it cracks, so I didn’t have to touch anything.

I swear to God, when I see that dude again, I’m gonna find out who he is, and I’m a totally tell everybody that he’s nasty. I’m gonna paint a scarlet SF (for swine flu, duh!) on his suit. I’m gonna spray Lysol on that cat. It’s gonna be on!!! Or more likely, I’ll just head in the other direction for fear that his non hands washing self might be emanating staph infections and swine flu. Even if he ain’t sick, that’s pretty nasty. How you gonna handle your junk and not wash your hands. Nasty Bastid!!!

10 Years Ago

Ten years ago today, I stopped smoking weed. I know most people don't remember the exact day, but I'll never forget. I made a vow to stop and I (with the exception of 2 slip ups) stuck to it. Weed was fun, but it also got me into some situations I shouldn't be in. I originally was gonna just repost an entry from my old blog, but there were way too many stories that involved weed. Before I moved to Atlanta, I was a weekend weedhead. I was never that type that had to smoke everyday, but you best believe on the weekend, it was on. But I'm good now. I still think it should be legal, but thats another post. I don't miss weed, but every now and then, I wonder what it would be like now. I should celebrate my 10 year anniversary with a Philly. LOL

Anyway, if you are bored over the weekend, or just want to know some more about young and crazy Rashan, check out these posts from my old blog. There's probably more cursing than I do here, so be warned. Also, if you see me refer to myself as T. or Terrance, that was my old blog name. If you comment, please comment here, cuz I will not be checking the old blog. Otherwise, I'll be back Monday with a new post.

So High I Could Kiss The Sky

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Thursday Thirteen: 13 Lies I've Told

Let me know if you want additional details or a post about any of these.

13 Lies I've Told:

1. Convinced my mom (and myself) that I actually did my science fair project in 7th grade.

2. Told people I was in the Whodini video for “The Freaks Come Out At Night”

3. Convinced stalker ex girlfriend that I was married.

4. Told Bear I didn’t know who robbed him. (Two guesses who it was? LOL)

5. Yeah, I’ll be there at 10 O’ Clock (and then just don’t show up.)

6. I was home all night. Nope, I didn’t go anywhere.

7. No, I didn’t see you. You were there too? Wow, we should have hung out!

8. I’ve never seen that girl outside of work. You know co workers are off limits.

9. No, I wasn’t paying attention. What did she look like?

10. I emailed you that report last night. It must have gotten caught up in my Outlook. I’ll resend it right away.

11. I left my last job as a result of lay offs.

12. Convinced myself that my first fake girlfriend was actually real. (Not like a imaginary friend. I made the story up and forgot it wasn’t true.)

13. I really liked your CD. My favorite song? Uhhh – track 5?

Another Edition Of Rashan Decides To Be A Jerk

So, I’m on break yesterday when I decided to be a big fat jerk. The situation is as follows. This guy I kinda know came outside looking for someone. Then he decided to involve me. The following conversation ensued. He started it off...

“What’s up man!”

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing much, I’m supposed to meet someone out here.”

“Okay”

“Did you see anyone out here?”

“There were a few people out here. Who are you looking for?”

“I’m supposed to meet someone out here.”

“So you said…”

I leave it alone. He obviously doesn’t want to talk about it. He looks around some more, looking really suspicious and impatient.

“Man, where is she?”

“Who?”

“The person I’m supposed to meet.”

He was being mad cryptic, and it was annoying. If you don’t want to talk about it, then don’t bring it up. And that’s when I decided to be a jerk…

“Why are you being so cryptic? You on some corporate espionage stuff? Are you looking for your weed dealer or something?”

He laughs.

“You get set up on a blind date at work?”

He laughs again..

“Ugly girl? Or better yet, it’s a dude, isn’t it?

More laughter…

“I just don’t know what she looks like. It’s not a date. I’m supposed to give her something.”

“You mean ‘him’? You gonna give it to him?”

No laughter…

“Too far?”

“Yeah, a little bit…”


This post has no ending. He just left after that and I laughed at my jerkitude. I guess that’s one way to get people to leave me alone.

Ten Things I Don't Understand

I’m sure I’ve written about this previously, but I don’t feel like looking for the link. Here are some things I currently don’t understand.

1. Why people talk with their hands while there on the phone. The person can’t see you. No need for the gesticulation. She can’t see you flipping her off or pointing wildly in the air.

2. Why sidewalks have cracks. I’m not talking about the wear and tear cracks, but the intentional cracks that grass and bugs come out of. I know this one makes no sense, but I was thinking about it, so I decided to type it.

3. Why men dye their hair. Nothing is crazier than seeing a dark skinned dude with light brown hair. Cut that stuff out.

4. Why men wear colored contacts. *insert own smart comment here*

5. Why I am scared of bees. Not the ones that sting, but those big bumble bee types that don’t even have stingers. They can’t sting me, so why do I jump every time I see one flying near me?

6. Why people actually want to see that new Beyonce movie. The previews make it look horrible. Then again, most people like Tyler Perry too, which I NEVER have understood.

7. The correlation between oil prices and gas prices. Jameil explained it to me a while ago, but I forgot.

8. Why people think they know who is going to win the Super Bowl, NBA Championship, World Series etc, before the season starts. Anything can happen. People can get hurt, or arrested or just have a bad year. I understand making a prediction, but arguing people down about something that hasn’t happened yet seems like a waste of time.

9. Why I listen to Sports Radio. See above for reasons I shouldn’t. It annoys me to no end, so why do I subject myself to it voluntarily?

10. The inspirational quote of the day. Every day at work we get a quote. Most of them are from people that I’ve never heard of. How is that supposed to inspire me? What makes them worthy of being quoted? Or it’ll come from an unknown source? Basically, what that means to me is that you made up that quote. Or even worse… whenever the quote of the day comes from a black person, they’ll say… African American poet, or African American actor. True story… The quote of the day last week was from Steve Harvey…African American actor/comedian. For real? The quote of the day is from Steve Hightower? What’s next, Piggy gonna be our CEO? And wait??? Steve Harvey is black??? I had no idea, and further more, how is that relevant?


That last one should have been a post in itself... Oh well, I'll stop now before this turns into a Thursday Thirteen.

Whole Bunch of Nothing

That's what I did this weekend. I only left my crib for about 10 minutes to get something to drink. Other than that, I was plopped down on the couch watching tons of tv, talking on the phone or eating the food I cooked. When I got off work Friday night, I went to the grocery store so I wouldn't have to go out to get anything to eat this weekend. Saturday, I made turkey burgers and nachos (not to eat together, but because I have to be in the mood to actually cook, and who knows when that will strike again.) Then I proceeded to watch 18 out of 20 episodes of Battlestar Galactica season 2, both on dvd and online. I had to tell you what I was watching because Jameil thinks it weird. I promise I'm not a sci fi nerd, but that show is really, really good. Besides, I don't think its any stranger than her goal of watching 750 movies in this year. I also watched 5 episodes of Rome on HBO On Demand, and a few episodes of 30 Rock on the computer. Then Sunday night, I watched a couple of movies with Jameil over the phone.

Yep, I sat around all weekend. Did not a thing. For most people that would be boring, but not me. I enjoy my nothing weekends when I have no demands on my time, or nothing to worry about. But alas, its over. Today, its back to the grind. Clients, and coworkers, and management demands. My company reports its first quarter earnings today, so hopefully that'll go well. Our CEO already has a town hall meeting scheduled for all the employees. Its hard to tell if this will be a celebratory propaganda meeting or a reassuring propaganda session in the face of bad numbers. Either way, I'm ready for the propanda. Let's hope for the best.

Hope everybody has a productive Monday. Talk to you all later.

I Want A Divorce

I've been thinking lately that I need a divorce from rap music. Not hip hop, although its becoming increasingly difficult to find the distinction nowadays. I never thought I would be that guy. You know the one that waxes philosophic about the good old days, I have to admit that I am. I've always had an appreciation for the music I grew up with, but I used to be able to keep an open mind about new stuff. Whereas, I would rather listen to Rakim, I could still appreciate T.I.'s music. Or, Nas has been my favorite, but that wouldn't preclude me from listening to Ludacris. To me, it wasn't as good as the music I grew up with, but I still liked it. Maybe I couldn't listen to an entire Fabolous album all the way through like I did with Das Efx, but it still had its moments.

But lately, rap sucks. If you can even call it rap anymore. There are too many adolescents copying each other's wack styles, using wack similes, rapping over wack beats, exhibiting total and utter wackness. Its not the subject matter to me. One thing that hasn't changed about me is that I don't care what you rap about, as long as you have a good flow and some clever lyrics. I mean, I listened to NWA talk about murdering dudes and selling drugs and causing general mayhem. Stuff that was far from my reality, but it sounded good so I dug it. Don't get me started on Jay-Z's materialism and drug smuggling rhymes. I don't know nothing about that, but he had a flow that was amazing and his rhymes weren't just run of the mill. I know this was a serious digression, but I just want you to know that I haven't grown into a prude in my old age. I will still rock some old gangsta stuff. Just gangsta stuff from the 90's.

I turn on the radio and I hear, for lack of a better word, garbage. And I'm aware that there has always been garbage on the radio, and will always be garbage on the radio. It never used to bother me. In fact, I would take pride in the fact that I hated that garbage. The only difference between now and then, is that I used to have an alternative. I could watch Rap City and Yo! MTV Raps and hear stuff that didn't get played on the radio. Hell, I could even turn on Hits From The Street, or Miss Cita's World and hear some non radio songs. I bought albums nobody ever heard of (for instance, I had that Jay-Z Reasonable Doubt album before anybody in my city even really knew who he was.) I can't tell you the last time I bought an album. (Actually, I can. It was Kanye's Graduation album) With the exception of a few cats out, I'm just not moved by any of the new music, underground or commercial.

So, yeah, I digressed majorly. The point of the post was to say, I want a divorce from the rap game. I don't care about all the fake beef, I don't care about people that can't seperate their real lives from their rap lives. I don't care about these ringtone rappers. I don't care about people that rap about the same thing people been rapping about for 20 years, and can't find a new way to say anything. I don't care about these rappers that don't even enuciate enough for you to realize that what they are saying doesn't really rhyme. I don't care about these rappers with no craft, no talent, no intelligence, no other word in their vocabulary besides swagger. I just don't care. I want a divorce from rap. If you need me, I'll be laid up in the cut listening to some neo soul or my Boogie Down Productions CD from 1988.

The Hook Up

Remember when you were in high school and where ever you went, you'd get the hook up? Go to Burger King and that girl that thinks you are cute gives you an order of free fries. Or order a small cone at Dairy Queen, and your homeboy makes it a large with two scoops? Or that loser in your gym glass gave you free filet o fishes at Mickey D's so you wouldn't beat him up the next day? Or go to Chik Fil A, no... wait, I couldn't ever get the hook up at Chik Fil A. It's like they count the nuggets by hand or something. Anyway, the point is, as you get older, its harder and harder to get a hook up. For real, hopefully your friends aren't still working in fast food, and if they are, one would hope they are the manager...

This weekend, however, the hookup came out in full effect. Jameil and I went to this restaurant in Gainesville. I wont put the name because of what happened that night. It was pretty empty, but a nice atmosphere. It was a tapas type place, so we ordered a bunch of different tastes and a couple of drinks. The waiter at first seemed like it was his first day or something. He didn't really know too much about the menu, and didn't even know about the drinks on the menu. It was still cool, though. The food was banging...I'm sure Jam will tell you about it on her blog. My first drink.. a tanqueray and tonic was okay, but not real strong. When it came time for the second drink, the waiter asked if I wanted another one. He said he would make it himself because "they act like they don't know how to make strong drinks." That was cool with me. When I got the drink, it was like 97.3% Tanq, and 2.7% tonic. That's what I'm talking about.

That was the first hook up, but when it came time for the check, I was shocked. This dude didn't put any of the 4 drinks we had on the bill. And one of the dishes wasn't on the check either. Dinner and drinks for two for $33!!! I gave him a nice tip and bounced before he could change his mind. Yo, I got the hook up for the first time in years. It made me remember those good old days when you could get something from nothing. I wonder if this can be the start of a new trend. Can grown people get the hook up? Like can you go to your doctor for a physical and get a prostate exam for free? I'm saying.. buy one house get a foreclosed property for the free? (My blog OCD wants me to come up with a third example, but I can't think of anything...) I don't know, but anyone wanna give me the hookup, just let me know. I'll be cool and I won't snitch. LOL

Snap Out Of It

I'm feeling annoyed for no good reason. I can't figure it out. I was off work yesterday, and instead of enjoying the solitude like I usually do, I just found myself restless. What I thought was the cause of my annoyance, as I thought about it, was only a secondary cause. I was feeling annoyed since I woke up yesterday morning. Whatever the cause, I need to snap out of it. I can't stand feeing annoyed with the world. It causes me to say stuff that hurts peoples feelings or just avoiding people altogether. This doesn't happen often, but I usually have some things I can do to get rid of this blah feeling.

Step One: Sleep - I tried this last night. I went to bed at a decent hour, but found myself waking up annoyed every couple of hours. Usually, I can go right back to sleep, but it wasn't working last night. Every little thing woke me up. The dog across the way that barks incessantly that I can usually tune out, the train whistle that I never hear when I'm sleep, the sirens emanating from the fire station that's close to me. Last night, I heard all of those things. Sleep didn't work, so let's move to step two.

Step Two: Long Hot Shower - Something about the hot water soothes me. I did this today before going to work. We'll see how it goes. I felt great while in the shower, but as soon as got dressed to leave, that old familiar annoyance came back.

Step Three: Talib Kweli's "Get By" - Something about this song gets me going when I'm not feeling it. It's one of my artificial hypeners (yes, i know that's not a word.) If that doesn't work, then I can move on to Raekwon's "Glaciers of Ice." One of these should get me pumped up to face the day at work. If not, then I just have to fake it at work today.

Step Four: Don't Talk To Anyone -If all else fails, I just have to go solo today. No team building. No laughing and joking with the co workers. Just me and my computer and my work. Conversations that I usually find funny will just annoy me when I'm in this mindstate. People will seem infinitely dumber than they usually do.

I sure hope these work. I usually don't feel blah for more than 24 hours and hopefully the trend will continue and I can go back to being the easygoing, funloving, jokecracking dude you all know and love. I'm just saying though, there better not be no traffic today. I don't wanna have road rage today. I'm already annoyed enough at little things. I need to snap out of it.

Overheard at Work

Conversation 1

Lesbian Co-Worker: GOD I HATE MEN!!!

Rashan: We hate you too! LOL

Lesbian Co-Worker: Not you, Rashan. You and Al (another co worker) are cool. In fact, you are the only men besides my daddy I like.

Rashan: Wow.

Lesbian Co-Worker: Oh, and Lebron James. You, Al, and Lebron. I hate the rest of them mutha...

Conversation 2:

Rashan: Aiight, y'all. I'm outta here. Good Night.

Co-Worker: You need to stop being so mean.

Rashan: What is you talking about?

Co-Worker: Stop being so mean and you'll find you a good woman.

Rashan: I got one, for about 8 months now.

Co-Worker: See, I know your type. You like pushing people away.

Rashan: Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be working now.

Conversation 3:

Redneck Electrician: Yeah, boy. I tell you my woman dragged me to yoga class.

Black Electrician: Yoga?

Redneck: Yeah, I tell you what. That's not a place that you wanna be with your women.

Black: Why not?

Redneck: There some fine lil honeys bending over and contorting. You cain't help but look.

Black: (laughs)

Redneck: I wanted to do some of them girls downward doggie-style...

Oh, and I forgot to tell you April Fools. LOL!

Sports and Race: If Jay Cutler Was Black

Sorry, Non- Sports Fans, but I had to rant about this. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google Jay Cutler. He’s an NFL quarterback

If Jay Cutler, he wouldn’t get the benefit of the doubt like he currently is receiving. There wouldn’t be throngs of teams clamoring to trade for him. Teams would avoid him, sports radio would vilify him, fans would shun him. Not real fans, but those that expect their athletes to be perfect, instead of people. They’d spout venom about his immaturity and tell America that he’s exhibiting prima donna behavior. They’d suggest that he’s a distraction that needs to be fined, suspended, cut from the team. There wouldn’t even be a discussion about who’s right or wrong. The team is more important than one player. They need to make an example out of him. Be harsh with him and the rest of the league will understand that conduct detrimental to the team will not be tolerated. You can’t stand for that. No player is bigger than the team. No player can be allowed to show up his coach like that. No player can just not return the owner’s phone calls. He’d be considered a cancer, America’s favorite word to describe black athletes.

But he’s not black. So he gets exactly what he wanted. He doesn’t have to pay any fines. He's not suspended. He gets to leave the team that he’s under contract to. He gets the benefit of the doubt from the sports public. I’m not saying this situation is racism (at least not deliberate racism), but there definitely is a double standard at work. If you wanna take race out of it, call this post… If Jay Cutler was Terrell Owens…or If Jay Cutler was Allen Iverson… or If Jay Cutler was Manny Ramirez… Basically, any man of color can’t assert himself like Jay Cutler did and get away with it with his reputation unscathed.

Thursday Thirteen: Things I Do NOT Want At My Wedding.

Thirteen Things I DON'T Want At My Wedding

1. Electric Slide - Or bus stop, or cha cha slide, or whatever new "I'm doing the same organized dance as the other 200 people on the dance floor" dance that's out. I know its a black tradition to throw on the Earth Wind & Fire and sliiiiiide to the left, but that's verbotten at my wedding.

2. Visible tattoos - I was in my cousins wedding and all the bridesmaids, in addition to looking like strippers, had these hideous prison tatts showing on their bare arms and backs. I'm not trying to see a tattoo of your baby daddy who got shot in 04 in my wedding pictures.

3 White Tux - Having worn a white tux in both my aforementioned cousin's and my mother's wedding, I can categorically say that I do NOT look good in a white tux, therefore there will be no white tuxedos in my wedding. *Sidenote* my cousin tricked me into the white tux thing. I got measured in a black tux, and then when I went to pick it up in Dallas, it was white. I was heated, yo!

4 Trendy hairstyles - Let's keep it classy and timeless. (I sound like Puffy.) I don't want my groomsmen rocking cornrows or a fauxhawk. And I don't want the latest ghetto bright hair color for the bridesmaids. Again, these wedding pictures are gonna last a lifetime. Let's try to think about the future.

5. Long sermon - I don't want the officiant to use my wedding as practice for Sunday's sermon. Keep it short and sweet. We can have communion another time.

6. Candles - If I'm gonna be up in a hot church in a monkey suit, last thing I need is more heat radiating and making me hot. I'm a sweater by nature, and I just might be nervous, so let's just pass on the extra open flames. (I've been talked into the Unity Candle - but candles as decoration are out)

7. Exes - Yeah, they can't come. No matter how cool we are, they just gonna have to miss out on this event. I can just see one of my old stalkers showing up trying to object to my impending nuptials. Pass on that.

8. Pinning Money - I think its tacky to pin money on the bride. Plus, I don't really want no one getting that close to her bosoms like that. Bad enough people gonna be hugging and kissing on her all day. LOL - We can do this Godfather style, just hand me an envelope stuffed with cash and we are all good.

9. Cake Fights - I don't like the whole smashing cake in the face thing. I know people get a kick out of it, but shove some cake in my face and see what happens. Nothing? Okay, so I'm all talk, but let me shove cake in Jameil's face and see what happens. LOL.

10. A Mean Wedding Coordinator - I don't want to plan my whole wedding. In fact, I'd like to just show up and say I do. But, I can't take people talking to me all kind of way. I know that the coordinator has a high stress job, but I tend to do the opposite of what I'm ordered to do. They need to watch how they talk to me.

11. A Huge Wedding Party - Some weddings are just too big. You really gotta have all 9 members of Wu-Tang as your groomsman. Do you really need every girl that went to summer camp with you as bridesmaids? And the kids? I love the kids. Kids are cute. But there needs to be a limit to the number of kids you have in your wedding. Not all kids can handle it. You may need to break out the American Idol style tryouts to whittle the list down.

12. No Wedding Crashers - You wanna come? R.S.V.P. I'm thinking that I might need to have bouncers and a velvet rope. You ain't gonna mess up my seating arrangement.

13. Coonin' - No pimpin' down the aisle. No flashing grills. No canes. No oversized T Pain top hats. No Stanky leggin'. None of that ghetto stuff. Be hip hop on your own time.

Internal Monologue

1 AM:

What am I waiting for? I love her. I need her. I can't stand being away from her. When I'm not with her, she's all I think about. We are perfect together. Everybody says it. Her mom likes me. My mom likes her. I think I've done okay with her friends. I don't have any friends so that's not an issue. We talked about it. Said we would wait for a least a year before we got engaged. But, I don't want to wait. I want her in my life forever. I want her to have my kids. I want two, she wants three, but we can work that out later. The first step is to do this.

3 AM:

I'm really gonna do this. I can't wait any longer. If I leave now, I can be there by 8. I know she'll be surprised. She better be surprised. She doesn't know about the ring. The only secret I've been able to keep from her.

5 AM:

What am I doing? I'm not spontaneous like this. I wanted to plan out something elaborate. I should just turn around and go home. What if she says no? Man, I didn't think about that. What if she says no???

8 AM:

I gotta do it. I've never felt like this before. She is my future, my love, my forever... Let's do this...

9 AM:

She said YES!!!