Thursday Thirteen: Things I Do NOT Want At My Wedding.

Thirteen Things I DON'T Want At My Wedding

1. Electric Slide - Or bus stop, or cha cha slide, or whatever new "I'm doing the same organized dance as the other 200 people on the dance floor" dance that's out. I know its a black tradition to throw on the Earth Wind & Fire and sliiiiiide to the left, but that's verbotten at my wedding.

2. Visible tattoos - I was in my cousins wedding and all the bridesmaids, in addition to looking like strippers, had these hideous prison tatts showing on their bare arms and backs. I'm not trying to see a tattoo of your baby daddy who got shot in 04 in my wedding pictures.

3 White Tux - Having worn a white tux in both my aforementioned cousin's and my mother's wedding, I can categorically say that I do NOT look good in a white tux, therefore there will be no white tuxedos in my wedding. *Sidenote* my cousin tricked me into the white tux thing. I got measured in a black tux, and then when I went to pick it up in Dallas, it was white. I was heated, yo!

4 Trendy hairstyles - Let's keep it classy and timeless. (I sound like Puffy.) I don't want my groomsmen rocking cornrows or a fauxhawk. And I don't want the latest ghetto bright hair color for the bridesmaids. Again, these wedding pictures are gonna last a lifetime. Let's try to think about the future.

5. Long sermon - I don't want the officiant to use my wedding as practice for Sunday's sermon. Keep it short and sweet. We can have communion another time.

6. Candles - If I'm gonna be up in a hot church in a monkey suit, last thing I need is more heat radiating and making me hot. I'm a sweater by nature, and I just might be nervous, so let's just pass on the extra open flames. (I've been talked into the Unity Candle - but candles as decoration are out)

7. Exes - Yeah, they can't come. No matter how cool we are, they just gonna have to miss out on this event. I can just see one of my old stalkers showing up trying to object to my impending nuptials. Pass on that.

8. Pinning Money - I think its tacky to pin money on the bride. Plus, I don't really want no one getting that close to her bosoms like that. Bad enough people gonna be hugging and kissing on her all day. LOL - We can do this Godfather style, just hand me an envelope stuffed with cash and we are all good.

9. Cake Fights - I don't like the whole smashing cake in the face thing. I know people get a kick out of it, but shove some cake in my face and see what happens. Nothing? Okay, so I'm all talk, but let me shove cake in Jameil's face and see what happens. LOL.

10. A Mean Wedding Coordinator - I don't want to plan my whole wedding. In fact, I'd like to just show up and say I do. But, I can't take people talking to me all kind of way. I know that the coordinator has a high stress job, but I tend to do the opposite of what I'm ordered to do. They need to watch how they talk to me.

11. A Huge Wedding Party - Some weddings are just too big. You really gotta have all 9 members of Wu-Tang as your groomsman. Do you really need every girl that went to summer camp with you as bridesmaids? And the kids? I love the kids. Kids are cute. But there needs to be a limit to the number of kids you have in your wedding. Not all kids can handle it. You may need to break out the American Idol style tryouts to whittle the list down.

12. No Wedding Crashers - You wanna come? R.S.V.P. I'm thinking that I might need to have bouncers and a velvet rope. You ain't gonna mess up my seating arrangement.

13. Coonin' - No pimpin' down the aisle. No flashing grills. No canes. No oversized T Pain top hats. No Stanky leggin'. None of that ghetto stuff. Be hip hop on your own time.