Pandemic

For real, son. I’m on the lookout for the swine flu. I don’t know how people really get it, but I’m gonna do this my way. If you nasty, I’m avoiding you. If you sneezing, I’m avoiding you. If you bring food into work, I’m avoiding both you and it. Nah, I don’t want none of your potato salad with the special swine flu sauce. I’m good on your instant death spaghetti. I don’t know about you, but I’m not trying to get dead from the sniffles. Also, don’t touch my computer. I can handle my own germs, I don’t need yours. That’s ain’t what’s hot in the ’09.Which leads me to today’s tomfoolery. I’m in the restroom washing my hands, which I tend to do compulsively when I think about pandemics. This dude walks in, goes to the urinal, then before I’m even finished washing my hands, walks straight out. Doesn’t stop at the sink for even a pretend washing, just walks straight out. I was appalled. You read stories about stuff like this happening, but when it happens to you… *holds back tears* I felt so violated. His germs were all over the place. I’m looking around like I’m on Punk’d or something. Grown men don’t do this, do they? Professional cats wash their hands, right?

So, now I’m wondering where on the door did this dude touch. Did he use the handle? Or did he click the handicap easy open button? Anywhere on the wood? I can’t touch this door. I’m like Monk. Everywhere I look I see little pathogens waiting to kill me. Why don’t I have some rubber gloves? A hazmat suit? A surgical mask? This junk could be airborne. Great, now I’m dodging imaginary viruses and bacteria surrounding me. I probably should get the heck out of this bathroom, but I can’t help but wash my hands one more time. Hopefully, I’ll avoid this flu, but just any case, does anyone have one of those radiation scrubbing things? I didn’t know where the germs were, so I just kicked open the door. Luckily, it opens automatically once it cracks, so I didn’t have to touch anything.

I swear to God, when I see that dude again, I’m gonna find out who he is, and I’m a totally tell everybody that he’s nasty. I’m gonna paint a scarlet SF (for swine flu, duh!) on his suit. I’m gonna spray Lysol on that cat. It’s gonna be on!!! Or more likely, I’ll just head in the other direction for fear that his non hands washing self might be emanating staph infections and swine flu. Even if he ain’t sick, that’s pretty nasty. How you gonna handle your junk and not wash your hands. Nasty Bastid!!!