Confessions: The Stalkee Becomes The Stalker

You asked for it. By an overwhelming margin, people wanted to hear the story of how I became a stalker. Well, how can I deny my blog fam? If you've ever read my blog, then you know I have a tendency to meet crazy people that don't like to go away no matter how much I tell them to. Well, one time I found myself doing something similar. Here goes nothing. The Stalkee Becomes The Stalker...


She stood silently, mouth slightly agape, her visage flickering in the candlelight. A slight hint of her hazel eyes flashed through her trademark squint. As she leaned in closer to me, I felt compelled to maneuver my hands under the edges of her shirt which fell an inch short of her waistline. Tenderly caressing the smooth skin of her back, I gently moved her a little closer to me. Our eyes locked first, followed closely by our lips. A first kiss to remember for a lifetime...



Wait a minute.. Let me not start in the middle, I should back it up a bit. I don't think anyone was reading my old blog when I first wrote about her. I made the mistake of using her real name (which I wont do this time), and rather than edit the post, I deleted it. Of course back then I wasn't willing to admit that I was in fact displaying stalking tendencies. To me it was a potential love story. Enough hemming and hawing, I guess I should tell the story.


I had known Renee since I was a senior in high school and she was a freshman. We lived around the corner from each other and rode the same bus to school each morning. We were friendly, I guess, but she was a little girl to me. Not that I was so grown up, as a 16 year old at the start of the school year, but she was 3 grades behind. Renee had a little bit of a crush on me, which I encouraged seeing as how I wasn't exactly beating the girls off of me in high school. But all in all, it was completely innocent. We would talk on the way to school and in Chorus class. Now that I think about it, she was my dance partner in one of our choral concerts. I remember how good she smelled. See, I'm talking like a stalker already and I haven't even gotten to that part of the story yet. Let's get out of high school and move on to college.


A couple of years went by and I was starting my second junior year at Savannah State University. I saw Renee standing in front of Payne Hall. I didn't really forget about her, because I passed her house everyday, but I wasn't thinking about her. College had been good to me. Apparently what passes for nerdiness in high school translates into a sort of intellectual coolness in college. As a result, I had loads of fun Freshman and Sophomore years. My first Junior year was all about Lisa, my first real serious girlfriend. So, no, I wasn't really thinking about Renee. Until I saw her that day. She was all grown up. No longer the little girl that used to follow me around school, she had transformed into a beauty.


I was attracted instantly to this older version of Renee. Physically, she was just gorgeous without making an effort. You know the type that can wear jeans and a t-shirt and throw their hair in a ponytail and still be dead fine? That was Renee. (Here is gonna be some extra crazy stalking stuff... but here's her picture. This is what she looks like now. If you know her, don't let her know that I used to stalk her. LOL) It was her beguiling smile and the way she would laugh like her life depended on it that drew me in. The fact that I had a girlfriend that I'd been with for a year, pulled me back. The reality was that as cool as she was, I wasn't the type to type to stray and who knows what Renee was thinking. So I kept it cool with her. Talking and flirting when we would see each other, but never pushing up on her. We stayed friendly throughout the rest of my college days, but of course I did my thing and she did hers so we didn't see each other that often.

Renee and my paths crossed again towards the end of 1997. It was a real interesting time in my life. I had met some eclectic people that joined my circle, one of which was Lesbian Roommate. By sheer coincidence, Renee and Lesbian Roommate were friends. So, Renee started hanging out with us at our place on 40th and Paulsen. I was girlfriend-less at the time for the first time in 3 years, and Renee was looking good to me. Even better than that, I loved the way her mind worked. It was often put on display during some of our all night hangout sessions. Those were crazy. My friends and I would light incense and candles, sit on the floor and talk about anything and everything for hours on end. Most nights, Lesbian Roommate and I would have people crashing at the spot, just because they fell asleep while talking about infinity or something faux deep like that. And for the most part, we weren't high or drunk. Just stimulating, intellectual conversations with friends. My favorite sessions were the ones that included Renee.

One night after all the rest of the crew had long since fallen asleep, Renee and I remained awake talking the night away. As she got up to leave, something, perhaps the candlelight, perhaps the Maxwell playing in the background, came over us. We kissed for the first time that night. You already read about that. Now I should tell you what happened next.

"You aren't ready for me, Rashan."

I remember that phrase like it was yesterday. I knew what she meant since we had talked about it during one of our marathon conversations. Truth be told, it had only been a few months since me and Lisa broke up, and I wasn't ready to jump into another relationship. And Renee was not the type that you give less than 100% to. She wasn't rebound girl, she was wifey material and she knew it. I was taken aback that she cut it off before it really even got started. I still remember the dimple on her left cheek as she smiled and kissed me goodbye that night. I thought if only this happened a little later, everything would be cool. Renee and I could be together if only the timing was right.

I know you are wondering when the stalking is gonna start and here it comes. This confession isn't easy to make, ya know! The rest of the week, my only thoughts were those of Renee. I laid awake at night daydreaming about her soft lips upon mine, the sweet smell at the nape of her neck, her baby smooth skin. I ain't gonna front, I had it bad. Any bad cliche you can think of, I was doing it. Staring at the picture that we took together at my Memorial Day BBQ - check. Listening to her voice on my answering machine - check. Writing horrendous poetry - check. I thought of strategies to win her over, to make her forget that I was just getting out of a relationship, to show her that I was ready to make her mine. I thought of ways to see her without making it seem creepy. But the manifestation of these desires was just that: creepy.

On several occasions, I went to see her at the mall where she worked part time under the guise that I was buying CDs. I would conveniently stop by when I knew she was working. She always greeted me kindly and had conversation with me, but there is no way that she didn't know that I was only there to see her. Ain't that much good music in the world. One afternoon, I actually sat in the parking lot until I saw her pull up and then walked up on her like it was a coincidence. I know, that's some stalker stuff right there. I also just happened to be riding through campus at the time when I knew she would be walking from the library to the student center. As a graduate, I had no business being on campus, but just the chance of seeing Renee was enough for me. At the time, I knew what I was doing, but somehow didn't realize that she could (probably) see right through me. To her credit, she never called me out on my stalkerish behavior, but she had to know. This went on for about 3 weeks.

One day it all hit the fan. I went to visit my grandmother, whose house I grew up in around the corner from Renee. As I was driving past Renee's house, I found myself looking in the driveway for her familiar car. Tres stalkeresque!!! All of a sudden it hit me. Rashan, you are losing your cool. You are on the verge of being a full out stalker. You hated when your stalker did that to you. What are you doing? Are you really gonna be one of those sucka-for-love-ass-tricks that you make fun of all the time? Get a grip, homey!

So, I did. It was like an epiphany. I turned off the creepy and got back to being Rashan. I found my rebound girl and although she turned out to be even creepier and stalkerish than I ever could conceive of, I realized that Renee was right. I wasn't ready for her. I needed time to not be serious. I needed to keep it light for awhile before I was ready to dive back into a relationship. Hell, I needed a damn intervention for all the crazy stuff I was doing.

I saw Renee again a couple of years ago. Like most refugees from Savannah, she's living in the Atlanta area. As we conversed at dinner I thought about the crazy things I did back then and said a silent prayer of thanks that I got my mind right. Renee is still the type of woman I'd like to end up with one day, but I'm glad that I know no matter how stimulating the conversation, or how attracted I am, there is no excuse for crazy stalkerish behavior. This was just my time to slip up, I guess.

And that my friends is the story of how the stalkee became the stalker. These are my confessions...