Insatiable

I'm gonna be all the way real with you. I gotta problem with never being satisfied. I don't mean that in a good way, like I don't stop til I reach my goal. What I mean is, when I get what I think I want, I find something wrong with it. It makes no sense, but I might as well just be honest with you. I may just be a tad bit out of my mind.

If you go to a strip club, there's always a guy trying to hit on the waitress...

I've been that dude before. In the midst of all the ladies willing to dance butt ass naked for me, I had my eye on the waitress. She was like 4'11" and had these hypnotizing grey eyes and a smile that lit up the smoke filled club. Shawty had me open, ordering drinks I didn't even want, tipping her like she just was working on the pole. Wondering how much it would take to get her to start stripping. There was a point to this rambling, I think. Oh yeah, some people (by that I mean me) are just never satisfied.

By now, you are probably wondering what in the blue hell I am talking bout, so let me explain. I said I didn't want a relationship and I don't. I like the whole "just dating" thing. I like the fact that Sunday-Thursday, I can just do me and not have to worry about placating someone else. I like that Friday and/or Saturday I can chill with someone without all the expectations of a relationship. I've been getting exactly what I want. So why the hell was I thinking crazy this week?

I found myself wanting more. Now hold on, before you get the wrong idea, let me clarify. I don't want a girlfriend right now. I think what I want is someone who wants to be my girlfriend. Maybe its an ego thing. I'm so used to having people doing their damnedest to get my attention. Even though I don't want someone who is gonna call me all the damn time, I wonder, why doesn't she call me all the time. How come she doesn't want more from me than I'm willing to give? I know it's nuts and I should just be happy that I'm getting what I want, but my brain is thinking otherwise. Could it be that I really do enjoy the stalker bugaboo thing? Do I want someone who is way more into me than I am with them? What the hell is wrong with me that I can't just be content with things the way they are?

My ex told me yesterday that this was good for me. Now I can see what I always do to people. She said that I act all sweet in person, and then aloof when we're apart. I hate to admit it, but she's right. It's like looking in a mirror. I know I keep people at arms length, but I'm not used to it happening to me. I'm used to looking at my phone and smirking because someone is calling too much, not looking at my phone and not seeing any missed calls. And at the risk of repeating myself, this freedom and Rashan time is what I want. But what do I do if its not what I want anymore?

I'm not really asking for advice. These are just rhetorical questions that I've been asking myself. By the time anyone even reads this post, I'll probably have come to my senses and be thanking merciful God that I'm not being pressured into a relationship. I'm just never satisfied I guess. Either that, or I'm out of my mind. God, I hope she never stumbles across my blog. That would really, really suck. LOL