Reflection Eternal

I apologize in advance for the cryptic and rambling nature of this post. Insomnia is kicking my ass tonight. I promise I'll be back to normal tomorrow. It's damn near daybreak and I'm up for no reason, just reflecting on my life. I do this every now and then when I can't sleep. That's why I always have the TV on or some music to distract me. Today, I'm watching the History Channel (with the close captioning on), and got the Erykah Badu blasting, but I can't shake the feeling. I gotta reflect.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, because half the shit going through my brain, I can't even talk about. Or more accurately, I choose not to talk about. I've become more selective about the pieces of me that I share on the blog. You know the basic personality, you know the motivations, you know some of the major events, but there is so much I don't say. When I get like this, I sometimes wish I had the guts to just say what was on my mind, damn the consequences. If you could see some of the posts I have in my drafts, you may have an entirely different perception of me. I wrote about some of the ill shit that I have done, some of the mistakes I have made, some of the ill shit that has been done to me. I just can't bring myself to post them. Part of me thinks that I should just let it all out, cuz it makes for some damn good reading, if I say so myself. But the other part of me worries about the effect of what my words would cause. Would you see me differently? Probably. Would you see some of your favorite bloggers (intentionally plural) differently? Undoubtedly, you would.

I reflect on the last couple of years and I see it like a movie. Maybe it's because I did nothing this weekend but watch DVD's, but my thoughts are real cinematic right now. I think I could pass off some of my experiences as fiction and sell them to Hollywood. I guess everybody's life is like that. Maybe it only seems dramatic to me, but the last two years would make a pretty good rising action in a plot. There is one big story that I have been itching to tell, but for the sake of keeping the peace, I've kept to myself. I mean, nobody, blog world or otherwise knows this story. Bits and pieces may have slipped out after a couple shots of Jack, but the whole story is locked up in my vault. People may think they know, but they have no idea. I'll take the blame for that. I've refused to talk about it, I've lied about it, I intentionally planted misinformation to avoid talking about it. I've been trying to psyche myself up to tell the whole story, but every time I get to the point where I wanna let it out, I self censor myself. And if you been reading me for awhile, its not the story you think I'm talking about, although it is somewhat related.

I guess the reason I've kept quiet is that I really don't like confrontation. I try my best to avoid conflict with people, to the point that I let them get away with their slanderous words and misperceptions of who I really am. And that's my justification for keeping quiet. It really wouldn't do any good to talk about it, except for the cathartic possibilities. I may feel better talking about it, but after that momentary feeling of relief, nothing will change. Drama would be all stirred up for no reason other than me wanting to get some shit off my chest. And is that really worth it? Once again, a rhetorical question. I've already decided that it's not worth it. Except on nights like this when I can't get my brain to stop working no matter how many times I put "Mama's Gun" on repeat.

I know I'm not the only one that keeps stuff to himself. I can always tell when I'm reading blogs where information has been intentionally omitted. I just decided (like as I'm typing this sentence) this week I'm going to try to tell you guys something that I have been holding in. Not necessarily the aforementioned story, but something that I have intentionally kept secret. I have to decide what it's gonna be. I think it will be good for me to unburden myself, as long as nobody else gets hurt. Check back tomorrow and I'll hopefully will have come up with something from my drafts that I was hesitant to post. This is gonna be my week of full fledged, unbridled honesty, whether it paints me in a bad light or not. Bear with me, it may not be pretty, but it should be interesting.