Return of the Asshole

I went to work in a great mood today. My Stevie Wonder tickets came by Fed -Ex, my new IPod came by UPS (Hey, Diva I got it with my spirit points), and I actually felt rested even though I only slept 4 hours. But once I got to work, I was in rare form. The asshole in me was on full blast today. I don't even remember half the shit I said, but I had 3 people call me an ass at work today. They said it with a smile so I guess they found it endearing. I have been making a conscious effort to be less sarcastic with people, but today they just brought it out of me. You ever have somebody say something that just begs for a smart ass answer? Well, I had that all day today.

Example #1 - I sent an email to my team letting them know when and where our team meeting was today. When the meeting started, this guy on the team didn't show up. When he finally joined us 10 minutes later, he said he didn't know we were having a meeting. I innocently told him, that I sent an email to the team to which he abruptly and quite rudely stated "I didn't get the email." Okay, this dude got a little loud with me, but I counted to 10 and held my tongue. I felt my smart assedness coming on, so I deliberately didn't say anything. But this guy kept griping about how he didn't get an email and how he should be included, blah blah blah. I couldn't take it anymore... I said "lets go to your desk and we can see if I included you on the email (which I already knew I did because I sent it to a distribution list.) This cat didn't even have Outlook open. That's when the sarcasm took over. I said, "its kind of hard to get an email if you don't even have your email open." He started hemming and hawing. I continued "You think next time I should send you a smoke signal, instead of an email?" Everybody started laughing and he looked embarrassed, which should have made me stop, but actually encouraged me to continue. I started listing other ways I could communicate with him like passing notes, carrier pigeon and finally mental telepathy. I know I am such an asshole sometimes. But the rest of my team shouldn't have encouraged me.

Example #2 - It was another one of our employee appreciation days. At least once a month they feed us fattening foods in an attempt to make us forget that they don't pay us shit and keep reducing our bonuses. Well today, they brought us wings. Would you believe that this girl had the temerity to ask "what kind of wings are we getting, like chicken?" I looked around for a minute to make sure she actually said what I thought she said. And said, "Huh?" She repeated herself. I asked "What other kind of wings are we gonna get? Cow wings? Pig wings?" She realized what she said and tried to back track, but the damage was done. Another asshole moment for me today.

Example #3 - I am NOT the manager. I'm just a lowly employee like everyone else. True enough I do help out from time to time, but I have my own work to do too. I was on the phone with a client, and this dude was standing at my desk (too close to me for my liking) waiting for me to finish. I threw up the finger to indicate "give me a minute." This muhfucka sighed real loud and rolled his eyes like a woman. WTF? Who the hell do you think you are? Just because I helped you out before doesn't mean that I am gonna stop what I'm doing. I finished my call and he immediately launched into his question, with no sense of manners at all. The asshole in me took over again. I motioned with my hand for him to back up (actually, I shooed him away), but he didn't move. By this time people are watching us, waiting to hear what smart comment I say next, since I had been doing it all day. I fought the urge to say something sarcastic, but, well, I lost. I kinda accidentally told him to "take about three steps back, respect my personal space, and then ask his question." He turned red for a second, but eventually started laughing. I guess nobody can really stay mad at the asshole for too long.

Until today, I was doing a pretty good job of controlling my sarcasm. I guess being in a good mood made me wanna joke with people today. I said some other stuff today, but I can't remember it. It was like instinct took over today and made me be a jerk. Hopefully, my coworkers didn't go home and start sticking needles in a voodoo doll with my likeness. I know I'm an ass sometimes, but it's just so fun. Well, for me at least. Look at that, I posted two days in a row. Maybe, I'll go for three in a row tomorrow. Peace!