7 Years Ago

This is one of those "I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there" posts. It's not a "whoa is me still hung up on the past" posts. Its certainly not a "trying to make anyone mad by rehashing past drama" posts. It's really just "I thought about today being your birthday and remembered what happened 7 years ago and it makes for a good story" post. If you are reading, Happy 30th, C! I hope you and your family are doing well. You may wanna just skip the rest of the post, I know how much you hate it when I bring up old shit.

Introduction...

7 years ago today, I learned a valuable lesson. One that for good or bad, has changed the person I am. I'm not angry or bitter about anything anymore, if that tone comes across its only because I've yet to learn the art of completely detaching myself from my past experiences. I can still remember how I felt that day and the emotions that took over me. I guess I should stop hemming and hawing and get on with the story.

April 29th, 2001 - Marietta, Georgia...

Today is my girl's birthday. All week I've been planning what I am going to do. On my last birthday she took care of me. She bought me that hot sweater, the engraved Zippo lighter with my initials and "I Love You" on the back. She cooked my favorite meal, did my favorite things in the bedroom, bathed and massaged me. In short, she catered to me. In the 5 months since my birthday, I plotted a way to make her day just as special. Now, I can't cook, but I know what my baby likes. Her favorite restaurant for lunch, a grown up jazz place for dinner. Hell, I may even wear a tie. I got them warming oils she likes, and a few other things that I probably shouldn't talk about on my blog. And her present? I hope she likes it. I spent HOURS going from jewelry store to jewelry store trying to find just the right one. Lord knows how much I despise the mall. I thought about asking her cousin for help, but knowing the way they talk, it wouldn't be a secret for too long. Damn, I really love this girl. Yeah, I know sometimes I crave my alone time. I pray that she will leave our apartment so I can have a moment's rest, but word life, son, I can't imagine my life without her.

On the way home from lunch...

Lunch at Pappadeux was good, but what was up with her being in the bathroom for so long? I was sitting at the table alone for awhile. She was probably on the phone with her cousin. They talk all the damn time. Anyway, I think I'll give her her present when we get home. That should make her happy. Maybe sneak in some grownup time before we go back out tonight. I've never been to Sambuca, but everyone tells me that its the place to go for a romantic evening. Can you believe that my disorganized ass actually made reservations somewhere? This should be interesting. I wonder if I can get away without wearing a tie. I'm so not a tie person. I mean, I'm 26 and I'm hip hop. I have my whole life ahead of me to conform. Nah, I think I will. I'll get dressed up, and she'll get dressed up and we'll just have the time of our lives. I can't wait to see her face when we get there. She has no idea what this evening has in store.

Sitting On The Couch In Our Townhouse...

I think it's time. I should give her the present now. Look at her, sitting there half sleep. She's so cute. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Who woulda thought when we first met that we would have been living together, moved to Atlanta, and still going strong after all this time? I remember the first time I saw her that day at work. There was just something about her that intrigued me. When she asked me to give her a compliment, and I told that I don't compliment girls that have boyfriends. When she kept badgering me for a compliment and I sarcastically told her "I like your weave." When she laughed instead of getting offended, I knew then that this could be special. When she left her boyfriend for me, when she moved in with me 6 days later, all signs pointed to this being ill fated. But we made it. Through the drama with the feds, and the being so broke that all we could afford was 2 for $4 whoppers, and sleeping on my sister's sofa bed for a month, we made it. Hold up, let me go do this. "Hey, baby. Stay right there. I'm about to go get your present."

Upstairs in the loft...

I really should have wrapped this gift. But it'll be fine. She'll be so happy when she sees it, that it wont matter that it's just in a gift bag. It's kind of a nice bag anyway. It came from the jewelry store that I purchased it from. Let me just get it out of my hiding place. I can't believe she didn't find it seeing how I hid it in pretty much plain sight. I'm walking down the stairs now. I can see the look of anticipation on her face. She's damn near doing her happy dance as she is awaiting my descent down the stairs. Wait a minute, what's that look about? What happened to the big Kool-Aid smile that was on her face? Where did that anticipatory squeal go? Is she... Is she crying? Did she really just say what I thought she said? I mean, really? Do my ears deceive me? She's not ready to get married?

Her on the couch, Me on my chaise lounge...

What was that about? She saw the jewelry store bag and assumed I was going to propose to her. I mean, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it. But today was not the day. Good to know how she really feels though. Should I even bother to present her actual present to her? It's not a ring... It's a diamond tennis bracelet with a matching necklace. She had been dropping hints for the last few months and I picked them up. Hence me spending time at my least favorite place in the world: the mall. I thought that she would be happy. I thought she would be appreciative. Hell, I thought that she wanted to marry me, even though this wasn't the right time. I'm not ready to get married either, but to hear her say those words out loud really hurt my pride. Let me swallow that shit for a minute. This is her day. Take a look, baby. See, its not a ring. Oh, yeah, pretty embarrassing, isn't it? All those tears and angst over nothing. Come on, Rashan. Put that out of your head. Don't ask her why. You know why. Both of you are young. She's younger than you. Remember how you were at 23. Do you think you were ready to get married then? "Why don't you want to get married?" I can't believe I actually asked that.

I Need A Drink...

No really, don't tell me that. I don't want to know that. I can't fathom the thought. Regardless of whatever issues we have, I am yours and you are mine. We don't need a marriage certificate to tell us that. It's been R and C for the last 22 months. We been through it all and came out of it stronger for the experience. Don't tell me that we can make it through all these trials and tribulations unscathed, only to be undone by boredom. I know I pushed you to go out, but I didn't mean for you to be giving your cell phone number to random dudes and I damn sure didn't intend for you to be kissing a guy you met at the club. Why the fuck are you telling me this? On this day of all days. What about the special day I had planned for you? Take it back. Undo this. How about I pretend that I didn't hear this? Or better yet, it was a bad dream. There's no way this could happen to us. We are that couple. The ones that everybody looks up to. The ones that when you see one, the first question that's asked is where is the other one. Trust, I had opportunities to cheat, but I didn't take them. You know I cut off all those situations that you felt threatened by. You know all my female friends in Savannah got eighty sixed, even the ones I never did anything with. You know that YOU are my life now. And you throw it away for a kiss at the club. God, I can't believe I'm asking you this. Please somebody stop me from asking this. "What else happened? Did it go any further?" Her mouth is saying no, but her eyes...

Driving Around Aimlessly...

I had to get out of there. I have never felt like this before. I just wanted to break stuff and since every thing in that apartment is at least partially mine, it's probably not a good idea. Also, she looked kinda scared of me. I mean, come on, regardless of what goes down, I'm not gonna hit her. I might smash the hell outta a coffee table, but violence? That's so not me. Right now, I'm a walking R&B cliche. I can't sleep, I can't think. I can't eat. I'm so weak. What in the hell is this about? We need to spend some time apart? I don't want to spend time apart. I want what we had back. I want to rewind time before she felt the need to bare her soul to me. I want another chance to make things right. If I had another chance to make her happy I'm sure I could do it. But really, I should have known this was coming. I shouldn't have been blindsided. They say the way you start the relationship is the way that it'll end. I probably should not have escalated things with her until she broke up with that other guy. She probably should have taken some time before jumping into a relationship with me. I probably should have spent more time WITH her, rather than just spending time in the same crib as her. You know what... I can't do anything about that now. I need to focus on the future. She wants to date for awhile, to get back to the way things were in the beginning. I don't know if I can do that. I can't have it all and then step backwards to just a little. Shiiiiitttt, I'm greedy and I know it. It's all or nothing with me. I don't do halfway. But if that's what I have to do to hold on to a piece of her, I'll guess I'll have to try. It won't be easy. Every time I kiss her, I'm sure I'll be thinking that some other guy has tainted my perfection. I'll be reminded that the love that I thought was perfect, was in fact flawed.

Epilogue...

7 years ago today, I learned a painful lesson. I learned that it can happen to me. I learned that I should never get complacent. I learned that people you love and that love you, can hurt you far worse than anyone else. We stayed together for another several months in a futile attempt to recapture the magic, but it was no use. In the back of my mind, I knew it was over on that April day in 2001. It would make for a great ending if I immediately took these lessons and became a better person and a better boyfriend but it didn't work like that. I can't front, I was an angry, bitter man. I resisted any form of commitment for a couple years after that. Although, I never reached the level of a manwhore (I'm too anti social for that), I had no meaningful relationships for awhile. I was all about that "I don't love them hoes" mentality. I was jaded, never willing to put any emotions into anything, lest I get hurt again. Somehow, I finally broke free. I can't believe I'm actually putting this out there. I better hit publish before I change my mind.

Brandy

Dateline: Savannah, Georgia - 1992

I was 17 years old and dating this girl we'll call Brandy, cuz she kinda looked like the star of Moesha. She was a couple of years younger than me, we got hooked up through a mutual friend at our high school. I didn't have a car or a job, so we didn't really go out too much. A couple of movies maybe, but for the most part all of our time was spent in the 2 bedroom apartment she shared with her mother. At first, Brandy's mom would sit in the room with us, but eventually once she became convinced that I wasn't irresponsible enough to impregnate her daughter, she allowed us to hang out by ourselves.

One day in August, I borrowed my mom's Ford Tempo, and drove the 3 minutes to Brandy's crib. We were just chillin sitting on the floor and listening to the new Mary J Blige's "What's The 411?" album that I had recently copped and became obsessed with. Brandy's mother was upstairs, leaving us to our own devices in the living room. We were doing a little light making out, nothing too serious as her mom was upstairs. Brandy got up from the floor and walked to the kitchen.

"What's wrong, B?"
"Nothing, I just have a headache."
"You need something?"
"I'm okay. I'm just gonna take this medicine."

The darkness of the room was briefly interrupted by the light emanating from the refrigerator. Brandy poured two glasses of orange juice and walked back to the living room and sat with her back to me between my legs. She handed me the second glass and we sat there quietly for awhile listening to Mary's unpolished voice over Puffy's hip hop soul production. Brandy began breathing heavily and even in the dark I could see on her face that she was in pain.

"Hey, you want me to turn this off?"
"No, keep it on. Sound doesn't bother me, it's mostly light."
"Okay, let me know if you need anything."
"Thanks, but I'm cool just sitting here with you."

Okay, maybe she didn't exactly say that. It was 16 years ago, but it was something like that. LOL. We sat quietly in the dark, the only movement being me stroking her hair. This wasn't really anything new. Brandy often had bad headaches, the result of an expanding blood vessel in her brain. I don't know much about science, so I'll spare you the details, but from what I understood, it wasn't life threatening, but caused terrible migraines. When this happened, Brandy would need to be in total darkness, so we spent a lot of our time without light. Most of the time, she would fall asleep and then wake up feeling better. This night? Well, this night was different.

Brandy was sleeping in my arms by the time the CD ended. We were still on the floor, so to make her more comfortable, I picked her up and laid her on the couch. I sat on the adjacent recliner rifling through a CD organizer before finally settling on Jodeci's "Forever My Lady." It was still mad dark, so as I fumbled with the eject button on the stereo, I bumped my knee on the entertainment center. The loud thud echoed in the dark, silent room.

"OWWW!!!" I whispered under my breath along with a myriad of curse words. I was trying not to awaken Brandy, but as I looked back towards her direction, I saw her eyes opening.

"Sorry, baby. Go back to sleep."
"Wha-
"I'm still here."
"You best ta keep quiet... You gon' get us in trouble."

Da hell? I recognized the voice, but the tone was different. She sounded like a little kid. And what was she talking about? I brushed it off, thinking that she was still half sleep.

"You better hii-iide"
"Huh?"
"You better hide, fo they see you"
"Brandy, what are you talking bout?"

She fell back asleep and I sat back down in the recliner. I wasn't sure what just happened, but I was ready to chalk it up to me interrupting a dream. I sat there listening to the music for awhile. It was getting late and I had to get the car home, so I woke Brandy up to tell her I was leaving.

"Hey, I'm about to go. You wanna walk me out?"

She stood up and let a squeal escape her lips as she stretched. I held her hand as we walked toward the door. As she opened the door, the light from outside illuminated her face. That's when I saw it. Her eyes were red. No, I'm not talking about the white part of her eyes, I mean the iris part was red. It was freaky as hell. It looked like something straight out of a horror movie.

"Brandy, you aiight? Your eyes are red."

She didn't respond. She just stood silently at the door.

"Brandy?" I repeated.

Again, she didn't say anything. I led her back into the apartment and I sat her down at the dining room table. She was still not responding to me. I turned on the light to get a closer look at her eyes. Logically, I knew that it had to be an optical illusion, the result of the light hitting her hazel contacts the wrong way. No way someone could actually have red irises. I figured when I looked in direct light, I would see that I was wrong. But no, her eyes were still red. What puzzled me more was that she was still not talking.

"Brandy? I'm gonna get your mom. I'll be right back"
"My mama's coming?
"Yeah, I'm gonna go get her."
"Mama's coming! Mama's coming! Mama's coming!"

There was that voice again. I saw Brandy's lips moving, but if I didn't I woulda swore there was a kid in the room. It got even stranger.

"I hope Mama lets me wear my favoritest dress."
"..." Really, I didn't know what to say.
"I promise I wont get it dirty like last time. Mama said if I get it dirty, she gon' beat me"
"..."
"Do you like my yellow dress?"
"uh...yeah. It's nice"
"My mama says I'm the prettiest girl in my school"

At this point, I'm thinking I'm the victim of a practical joke. My girlfriend is talking like a 5 year old, her eyes are red, and I just don't understand. Brandy started singing a song. I can't remember the words to it, but it was one of those hand clap game songs, like Miss Mary Mack or something. I ran up the stairs to get her mother.

"Ms. Moesha.. I think something's wrong with Brandy."
"Hold on, I'll be right there."

I went back downstairs to see Brandy doing hand movements while singing her song. Her mother followed downstairs quickly. She hugged Brandy and told me to leave.

"I'll take care of her. Go head and go on home."
"What's wrong with her?"
" Just go now. She'll be fine."
"But did you see her eyes?"
"Rashan, go home. I'll have Brandy call you tomorrow."

I was basically kicked out the house wondering what the hell happened. I went home as instructed, but I couldn't sleep that night. I didn't have the internet, so I was looking up the symptoms in the encyclopedias we got some years back. No luck. I finally drifted off to sleep, worried about Brandy and hoping that she would call soon.

The next morning Brandy called me. I was still sleeping.

"Hey, you coming over today?"
"Yeah, I'll be there."
"Cool, I didn't hear you leave last night."
"You don't remember me leaving?"
"I must have been sleep. The last thing I remember we were on the floor."
"For real? You don't remember anything else happening?"
"Like what?"
"Umm..like you talking like a 5 year old?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Nevermind, I'll see you around 3."

Brandy had no idea what I was talking about, so I figured I would just let it go for now. I went to see her before her mom got home from work. A couple of times I made reference to the previous nights events, but I could see that Brandy was oblivious. When her mom came home, I eventually was able to get some information. Apparently, when she would get one of those headaches, it would cause a personality shift. Brandy reverted to a 5 year old. Quite possibly a 5 year old from the sharecropping days. As if that wasn't strange enough, she never remembered it happening. It was like 2 totally distinctive personalities lived in that thin frame of hers. This alternate personality didn't happen all the time, but I experienced it a couple more times before we broke up. It was one of the strangest things I had seen at that time in my life. Keep in mind, that this was before all the crazy people in the world began to follow me. If this happened now, I probably wouldn't even notice. LOL. Aiight, have a good Monday!

Twan-o-phobia*

I started not to tell this story because I was afraid that people would think I was being anti gay. That's not the case though. If it was a woman in the story I wouldn't hesitate to tell it, so why should I hold back? Anyway, sorry Diva. I know you've already heard the story, but I can't think of anything else to write...

There's this gay dude at the job that has been subtly trying to get at me. I think he was trying to figure out if I played for his or the other team. It started like a month ago. I was new in the department and apparently he had been out of work on some disability thing for awhile. When he came back to work, his computer access hadn't been granted, so he was sitting with me as I did my work. He introduces himself and over the course of the day, we make small talk related to the job and its functions. Later in the day, he decides to get a little more personal.

"I see you don't have any pictures of your wife and kids up."
"Nah, I'm not married."
"Hmmm..."

I went back to working. I didn't think anything of it. So what the gay dude was asking me if I was married. That's no big deal. Later in the conversation....

"So where do you live?"
"I'm out in Stone Mountain" I'm not really in Stone Mountain, but I've been so trained to hide where I live, that's always the automatic answer. I'm close to Stone Mountain. LOL.
"Do you live alone or do you have a roommate?"
"Nah, its just me. I got some family with me right now, but no roommate."
"I have a roommate, but I'm bouts to kick him out."

Okay, now I'm thinking, do we really have to keep talking? Again, at this point I'm not even putting 2 and 2 together, I'm just generally anti social and don't like talking to strangers.

"Word? Why what's wrong?"
"That bytch is getting on my nerves taking me for granted all the time."

OOOOHHHH!!! That kind of roommate. Anyway, I finally figured out where he was going with all the questions when he said..

"You should come to the club with me and my boyz" l'm imagining he spelled it with a z. LOL.

I had to shut that one down...

"Nah, I'm good. I only go to clubs where I can make it rain. Thanks though"

A couple of days later, he came back and was asking the same questions over and over again. I guess he didn't believe me.

"You said that you aren't married, right?"
"I'm not."
"And you have no kids"
"Not yet"
"Hmm.. So you must spend all your time with your girl when you get off work." You have to had been there to hear how he said girl. Girl meant boy, I think.
"I mean, I don't really have a girl. I got a few that I hang out with but nothing serious."
"Oh, so you a pimp. Rashan is a playa."
"I don't think I said that. But if that's what you wanna call me, I've heard worse."
"MmmHmm. Well why don't you bring your pimpin ass out with us this weekend. We'll show you how its really done"
"I told you, I only go to strip clubs. You wanna hit up Body Tap and I'm there."
"I know some people that'll strip for you..."

For real, this was getting a little weird. I pretended to get a phone call to dead that conversation real quick. As the night was coming to an end, he came up to me again.

"Do you take 75 to get home?"
Remembering my lie... "Nah, I take 285. Why?"
"I was gonna ask if you could drop me home. My ride is being a real bytch."
"I guess so. I don't get off until 10. Let me know if you don't find anyone else."
"Okay."

At 10, I tried to sneak out the building through one of the side doors, but my homegirl stopped me to talk before I could complete the ditch move. As we were talking, here comes GD. Apparently he didn't find a ride. I hugged my friend goodbye and we bounced to the parking lot. He told me what exit to get off on, and I sat there in the car making small talk, hoping someone would call me. They didn't, so I got to hear all about how much he pays for rent, how he can spend an entire paycheck in Ikea, how he was mad because his "roommate" was driving his car, how 1 in the morning is his "hoeing time", etc etc etc. I got off on his exit and then I realized something. I was in Midtown. Now for you non ATLiens... Midtown is homosexual central in Atlanta. Where the gay come to live and play. Where you see almost as many rainbow flags as American flags. Okay you get the point..oh wait... one more...It's a gayborhood. Okay, now I'm really done. LOL

"You can drop me off right here.."
"Aiight, I'll see you tomorrow." I'm ready to bounce, right.
"Oh there's my car right there. I'm gonna cut that bytch."

Why does the car have a bumper sticker that states "2Cute2BStr8"? I was like oookay. I found the highway again and rolled out.

Let's fast forward to Friday. You may remember my day of swagger where everything was going Rashan's way. I told you about the girl that came to my desk and was playing in my hair. GD was giving her the side eye, (yes, the side eye) as she was leaving. Lips were all contorted in a "who is that bytch" kinda way. Then when the girl did the model walk for me... that sealed it for him. He realized that I don't play for his team and was a little salty about it.

"Oh, you like that?"
"What you talking about?" I played dumb, but I knew what he was talking about.
"Mmm, so you feeling ____ now?" I don't feel like thinking up a blog name right now, although in the time it took me to write this sentence, I could have already came up with one.
"Man, I keep business and personal separate." At least I've been trying to.
"Whatever, I seen you looking at that. She looked-ed a hot mess"
"Okay, GD."

Now every day this week, GD got another sarcastic, catty remark to make. What'd I ever do to him?

"Rashan is just a big pimp. You should see these trifling heifas that come visit him."

or the line from Monday...

"You hittin' that too?"

or my favorite from today...

"Can you tell your girls to fix their weave before they bring they stank asses over here?"

Shit is just hilarious, yo!. GD is really hating on these women. This is the first time I've been approached albeit subtly by a man in my 33 years. That's my story and I'm sticking to it, Diva! Man, I wonder what tomorrow's comedy will be.

* I hate how everything is labeled homophobia. Just because that lifestyle isn't for me, doesn't mean I hate gay people. And I'm definitely not afraid of gayness. Just another one of my pet peeves. I guess.

7 Things I Think

7 Things I Think

1. Everyday should be Jeans Day… or better yet, everyday should be summer dress day. Yesterday was…wow!
2. An 82 Tercel is NOT a classic car. I need you to take them historical plates of that bucket.
3. It is never acceptable to say “astin” instead of asking.
4. I shouldn’t eat pizza at 2 AM and then wonder why my lactose ntolerant self got the bgs today.
5. I’m hating on these inferior bloggers that got triple the number of comments I got. I shouldn’t care, but I do. Where’s the justice?
6. I’m ashamed of myself for liking that Lil Wayne “Lollipop” song. I need to hear that in the club just once.
7. I’m gonna miss my sister and her kids when they move to Savannah next month.

What do you think?

The Faucet

I walked into the bathroom to wash my face. I turned the hot water knob and the water streamed out of the faucet. I splashed my face with the hot water washing the remnants of another day out of my pores. It felt great! Water continued to flow from the faucet. Eventually the flowing water decreased, with only droplets trickling out. The hot water still felt good, but the anemic water flow was nothing like it was when it was on full blast. I turned the knob clockwise trying to recapture the feeling of the free flowing water, but inexplicably it turned completely off. Such is the story of my life.

I started to just leave this post as is, sans explanation, but decided against it. As much as I like to make you guys think I am weird, its been pointed out to me that I am not really as abnormal as I present myself. So, let me go ahead and explain that metaphor.

When I find myself getting to know someone new, the possibilities are endless. I dive in headfirst and don't think about the logistics of it. And it feels great. The getting to know you and initial infatuation phases are the best. Every waking moment is spent either with or thinking about that special someone. Inevitably, that honeymoon phase wears off, and although I still may like the person, reality creeps in. I start to see that perhaps the person I was feeling so much, may not be the right one from me. Things that I may have ignored in the beginning start to become glaring. Spending time becomes more of a chore than an adventure. Obstacles arise out of nothing. Disagreements are not worked out as easily. I will have moments where the possibilities still exist but they become fewer and more far between.

Then it happens. The feelings shut off completely. Through no fault of hers, I just don't feel it anymore. I stop initiating phone calls. I stop trying to see her. When we are together, we don't talk or do other things like we used to. To borrow a phrase from BoyzIIMen, the water runs dry. My mind wanders to other possibilities, or even worse, to ways to isolate myself from her. I turn my feelings off like that metaphorical faucet. The worst part about it is, I don't know why this continues to happen.

I've had people belie my uncanny ability to turn it on and turn it off. I've hurt people that I cared about, although that has never been my intention. I wish I could explain it. It would make life a lot easier if the water continued to flow. It would make things a lot easier if there was a discernible reason for me losing interest as I do. I hope that I can break this pattern when I finally meet her. I can only think of one time in my dating history that my interest was maintained unfettered. And that wasn't such a good thing. When the relationship ended, I found myself still feeling the effects of that hot water, so much so that I was not able to give my all to any other possibilities for an unhealthy amount of time. But that's once out of all the years, and I'm mad old. Too old to still be following this same pattern of throwing myself into the deep end, only to quickly swim back to more shallow water.

I have issues I guess. I know this post is pretty much a polar opposite of my post on Friday. Honestly, I think I'm just writing this post because all I did this weekend was sleep and think. I should have known better than to sit around with no TV and no music. Whenever I do that, I get to thinking too much. And that's never a good thing. I need a distraction. Or I need therapy. Or both. I'll settle for some more sleep now. Have a great Monday.

PS - Myo - email or text me your address. Sorry, I didn't make it out this weekend, but I got something for you and your little girl. Hope you guys had a good time. One!

Prince Week: Baby I'm A Star

Baby, I'm a star.... Might not know it now, baby but I r I'm a...Star

I'm on some superstar stuff today. I can't even tell you the reason, but the forecast for today includes a high probability of swagger. I'm just saying.. I'm a star!

Every now and then, I just get in one of those extremely arrogant moods where nobody can tell me nothing. I woke up like that today. Yesterday, I didn't sleep at all since I already have horrible sleeping habits, plus I had to go to work at 8 AM, meaning I would have been able to get at the most 2 hours of sleep. I said forget it, and just stayed up. I worked, (if you can call sitting in a classroom work) all day without a lick of sleep. I didn't even fall out at lunch like I thought I was going to. Anyway, when I got home, I stayed up some more until I finally crashed around 1 AM. 9 1/2 hours later, I woke up refreshed and feeling good. The good feeling lasted through out the rest of my day.

So, like I was saying, baby, I'm a star! It started out early. I went to the gas station to fill up for the ride. I was leaning up against my ride at the QT while the 16.23 gallons of $3.49 unleaded filled up the near empty tank. This girl at the next pump just kept looking at me. Today, I was not even self conscious about why she was looking. I already knew. Baby, I'm a star. LOL. Let me stop, I just put that in there to make you laugh.

Then when I got to work, my star-nessocity was on full blast. It was like everybody I knew in this huge building came to see me today...except for the stalkers. LOL. I was like Mr. Popularity for a minute. I don't know what it was about today, but it was cool. I kept getting the looks all day too. Again, I can't call it. I'm just wearing some khakis and a blue shirt, I kinda look like I should be working at Gap, but if it works for them, it works for me. Had one girl come and rub my hair today. I told y'all I was growing it out, right?

Then at lunch, since nobody wanted to answer their phones... I was sitting out in the back just chillin. Reading email and blogs on my phone and stuff. A car is driving by, but I wasn't really paying attention to it. All of a sudden I hear a screeeeecchhh and see the car backing up. It's this girl I used to work with before we both got promoted. She stops the car in the middle of the street and is like "Hey! Rashan!." I said, "Hey, what's up!" She says..."wait right there. Don't move. Let me go park and I'll be right back." So, she goes and parks and we talk for a minute. Then she hits me with this one. "Since we don't work in the same department anymore, we should go out sometime." Today, I'm a star. This is an actually attractive woman, Jameil, not one of the parolees.

Oh yeah, I forgot one star moment. Why I got girls doing the model walk for me? Like I was sitting at my desk talking to someone, and this woman was walking down the aisle. She did the suck in your cheeks model face and proceeded to shake it as she sauntered past. Then she looked back over her shoulder just to make sure I saw it. LOL I seent it.

Boy, I don't know what it is about today, but I don't want it to end. Baby, I'm a star!

Prince Week: Joy In Repetition/Anotherloverholenyohead

She only said the words again and it started 2 rain (Rain, rain, rain)/ 2 words falling between the drops and the moans of his condition /Holding someone is truly believing that there's joy in repetition /There's joy in repetition {x4}

She said - "Love me, love me" /What she say? She said - "Love me, love me"/ Joy in repetition

It's Not Me, It's Them!

It's Not Me, It's Them!

It's Not Me, It's Them!

It's Not Me, It's Them!

Its Not Me, It's Them!

Phew, I feel better now. Now for the real post.

U need another lover like u need a hole in yo head (baby, baby)

Dear Married Chicks,

Please stop giving me your phone numbers. It's not a good idea for me or for you. The grass is not greener over here. I don't know what it is about me that makes you think that I'm that guy, but I'm not anymore. Yeah, I admit, I've done my share of dirt, but Karma has taught me that messing with you all is not a good idea. For real though, if you are that unhappy, then get a divorce. Stop cheating on these dudes. Or at the very least, stop trying to make me an accessory to your crime. I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there that would jump at the opportunity for meaningless, no strings attached sex. I'm not one of them. I'm getting mad old, and I would like to get married one day. So that means that I can't waste my time in situations that will never go anywhere. Yeah, it could be fun for a few months, but then what. You stay married and I'm stuck on the sidelines still looking for my betrothed. Also, you are souring me on the concept of marraige. I try not to let it affect me, but there are just too many of you women that step out on your vows. I'm sure each and everyone of your husband's thought it could never happen to them either. In conclusion, married chick...you need another lover like you need a hole in your head. You damn sure don't need me. Dead that cheating stuff, please!

Thanks in Advance,

Rashan Jamal

P.S. -To the married co worker chick: I have to go to work today at 8 in the morning and I haven't slept a wink. Don't mistake my sleepiness as weakness. Sure, I'll talk to you in that training class today, but its only to keep myself awake. It might look like it, but I am not flirting. That's just the way I talk. Got it? Good. I'm out!

Prince Week: International Lover

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Prince Week: The Beautiful Ones

Dedicated to the sheer genius that is Prince Rogers Nelson... I had a couple of ideas in my head for blog titles that just so happened to coincide with some of my favorite Prince songs. So, being the weirdo that I am, I decided to do like I did with Nas' Illmatic and create a series of posts based on the Purple One's songs. I'm not gonna do one specific album, because that would require more work. I mean I can come up with a post about "Let's Go Crazy" but "I Would Die 4 U" is kind of a foreign concept for me. If you don't know what Prince album those songs are on, I'm a need you to kill yourself and get reincarnated and this time pay attention when classic music is played to pick up a copy of "Purple Rain" the album and the movie and be prepared to become a fan.

So where do I start this... I kinda already wrote one for "If I Was Your Girlfriend," but I think I'll hold that one back while I decide if it is too strange even for me. It will more than likely make an appearance, but in a far diluted version. Let's start Prince week, with one of my favorite Prince songs, (and that's saying something) "The Beautiful Ones." A song so perfect in its simplicity that not even the wack combination of Mariah Carey and Sisqo could mess it up with their remake. Without further adieu, let's get to it.




The Beautiful Ones

Paint a perfect picture/Bring 2 life a vision in one's mind/The beautiful ones/Always smash the picture/Always everytime

Something I heard a while back has been sticking in my head for the last few months. It came from the mouth of one of my exes...

"Rashan, your type is cute. You don't go for the real beautiful girls."

In spite of the many times that I have called her beautiful, I guess she felt she fell in the cute range. That's neither here nor there. Strange though, that this particular piece of analysis sticks in my head so much. In a way, it's true. I don't think I consciously avoided the beautiful ones, more so that I got along with the cute girls better. And besides, they have been beautiful to me, even if the outside world doesn't share my ideals. Regardless of that, those words continue to resonate with me. It made me wonder why that is.

First of all, to undertake this endeavor, I'll have to define a certain standard of beauty. It is really in the eye of the beholder, but certain things are true for most people. The thing is I'm not like most people. I tend to have a skewed view of things. As an example, Halle Berry. Remember when, niggas would give their left testicle to get at Halle? I was never really impressed. Don't get me wrong, she was definitely pretty, but I've seen prettier walking in the mall. Or Beyonce? Dudes think Bey is the standard of beauty now a days, but I'm not feeling it. Partially it's because she always talks like she is reading from a teleprompter and partially because her overexposure in the music world annoys me, but I just don't think she is that beautiful. See what I mean? The ones that everyone else thinks are beautiful are not to me.

The Beautiful Ones are the ones that make you speechless when you see them. The ones that every guy wants to get with. The ones that get compliments that are not only related to anatomical structure. With The Beautiful Ones, you notice their face before their ass and you keep your eyes above the waist when they walk by. They make you just utter nonsensically at their beauty. Just say "Daaaaammmnn!"

Where was I going with this... Aaahh. I remember. Why don't I go for The Beautiful Ones? I don't think I can truthfully provide an answer. Maybe my need to be different is so great, that it extends to my choice of girlfriends. But that's real life. The Beautiful Ones, with their swagger and self assuredness don't really do too much for me. I'm more about what a person is about mentally than physically. That's why I half jokingly said in my previous post that I would date ugly girl. You'd be surprised what good conversation and mental stimulation can make up for with me. That's not to say that I'm actively seeking someone that I find physically unattractive, its just that looks are not enough for me.

I've dated one or two Beautiful Ones before. Their beauty wasn't enough to keep me interested. After you get past that initial infatuation stage, I found myself not really invested in what they were all about. People, please don't misread what I'm writing. I'm not saying that its impossible for a woman to be the total package, I'm simply stating that the Beautiful Ones that I've dealt with haven't been. I'm sure there are a few reading this post right now, taking umbrage to my words, but that's not really the intent. I'm sure that you are as fine and intelligent as you think you are. I'm not talking about you. LOL.

Or maybe I'm just full of shit. Maybe, I just don't want to have to fight dudes off my girl all the time. Maybe I don't want to play the Fred Flintstone to her Wilma. Maybe The Beautiful Ones just don't like me, so I don't like them back. I don't know. I do know this much though. Give me a girl with a cute face, and some great conversation and I'll be in heaven. She doesn't have to be a certain height or weight, or look like the video vixen du jour. Whatever the case is, it doesn't really matter. I like what I like. Nobody else's standards really apply. The Beautiful Ones can have everyone else chasing them; I'm good on that. I guess when it comes down to it though, I always choose The Beautiful Ones, I just have different standards of what it is beautiful to me.

May U Live 2 See The Dawn

Saturday Night In Pictures

Monie didn't think I was gonna do it, but ha ha, the jokes on you. I accomplished 75% of my going out plans. Where's my $15??? Here is Saturday night at Kristin's birthday get together. I don't really know her, but she is my friend's fiancee's little sister, and they asked me to come along, so I obliged.

I got there before everybody else. So not like me. For example, I was 2 hours late on Friday because of traffic and the obsessive compulsive barber who wanted to make sure every strand of hair was appropriately sheared with scissors. But anyway, as I waited for the rest of the party to arrive, I did what I do best: Camera whoring. These are some flicks I took whilst waiting in the car.







I actually took a bunch more, but you know I had to weed out the ones where I looked crazy. After the rest of the folks arrived, we drank and ate and I talked to the people that were on my side of the table. There wound up being like 12 of us, but I don't remember anybody's name, so there will be no labeling. The first one is me and my best friend/lil sister Kristie and her fiancee's hand.

There were other guys there, but how I look taking a picture of some dude? LOL. This last picture was me preparing for the drive home. If you notice my eyes are a little more closed, but I still look the same. Good looking out, Desy for getting me home safely. Remember, you can't make fun of me for anything I said while in that state. LOL

And just because these pictures were on my camera when I uploaded the rest, here a couple of my nephews. The first one is Carlin and Justin. The second one is Justin at his dedication a few weeks back. That's my finger he's holding.

Awww, ain't they cute!!! Funny story. My gas tank was on E on the way home, but I didn't feel like stopping to get gas in my inebriated state. I went home and just crashed out. So early this morning, after being awakened by another blogger's phone call, I decided to hit the gas station. Why did I run out of gas? LOL I can be so stupid sometimes. Luckily there's a gas station directly outside the gate of my complex, so no big deal, but man imagine if that woulda happened while I was driving home. Okay, its now like 8:30 and I'm gonna go back to sleep. Have a great day!

Three Day Weekend

Forgive me, Blogger for I have sinned...

Yep, I know I've been slacking on my blogging. It's not like me to take Tuesday and Thursday off but you know it be's like that sometimes. This is the part where I insert some lame excuse that nobody wants to hear. Truth is, I just haven't felt like it. I mean, I have excuses galore. For example, I could tell you that I haven't been posting because of my allergies. The pollen is so thick in Atlanta that all the cars, parking lots, mailboxes, etc are covered in yellow powder. It's so bad that I'm either sneezing, or I'm out of it from taking that medicine. That's a good excuse right? Or I could tell you that work has been crazy and I've not had as many spare moments to write at work like I used to. When I come home the last thing I want to do is be on the computer again. How about that one? Does that excuse work for you? If not, then try this one. I've been stressed out by all the money I've spent over the last 2 weeks getting my car fixed twice, getting a new phone, taking care of family. I could tell you that, but that's not really the truth.

Truth is, I just didn't feel like blogging. I got plenty of blog ideas, but when I sat down to write them, I just wasn't feeling it. Same thing with reading. I just didn't feel like reading blogs either. I don't know, it was just that kind of week. I didn't really want to do anything except sit around watching dvds. It was kind of a lost week as far as blogging goes for me, but I think I'm back now. Or at least I should be after my 3 day weekend.

Got big plans this weekend. Well, maybe not big plans, but I do have smedium plans. I'm supposed to get out the house and be social. I'm off work tomorrow since I had to work last Saturday, so I'll be able to catch happy hour with Kristie and them. It'll be good to hang out with my friend, and my drunk wrestling partner (Jameil and Diva, she is NOT a man, camera phone pics if I can) is supposed to be there too.

Tangent: I got to get my haircut first. I'm thinking about letting my hair grow out some. Not like a fro or anything, but not so close to my scalp as I usually get it. I'm not gonna get my Gregory Abbott on like this picture

But I want a little more hair so I can get past this fuzzy sticking up phase that its in right now. Maybe let it grow a little more like in this picture.

Did I tell you I'm bringing the box back for '09? It's gonna be like 1990,1991 and 1992 all over again. Like these high school pictures. Yes, those are beads and Africa around my neck. LOL.

What was I saying... oh yeah. Happy Hour. After that, I'm supposed to go hang with some of my coworkers at some grown and sexy club. I can already see myself flaking out of this one. Last time I went there, I got hit on by a woman old enough to be my mama, and did I mention how much I hate those do-this-dance-to-my-instruction-dances? If I wanna sliiiide to the left, I'll do it, but not because you told me to. Plus, I don't know how these work people will act outside of the job. If I get enough get-right fluid in me during Happy Hour, perhaps I'll still slide through.

Saturday, I'm supposed to hit up a birthday dinner and drinks thing for someone I know from someone else. I don't know when it is, but its supposed to be at my usual spot. Even though, the birthday girl sometimes comes across a little bougie, it should still be fun. At the very least, I'll get a few caipirinhas and talk lots of shit and make somebody, anybody call me a jerk. That'll be fun. Oh yeah, and I'm supposed to get up with an old friend for dinner and/or drinks if she can ever fit me into her schedule. Yes, I'm talking to you! You know I don't be making an effort like this, so I'm a need you to get it together. LOL. Sunday will be my day of rest. At least I hope so. The last couple of weekends all kinds of stuff has been popping up, but hopefully I'll just be able to chill.

Hopefully after and/or because of my three day weekend, I'll come back refreshed and ready to be a full time blogger again. Maybe I'll even find the inspiration to do part 8 of Making The Blog. Yeah, maybe not. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend. I'm sure I'll be checking your pages out sometime this weekend. One!

That Itch

I'm what you might call a serial monogamist. I'm that guy that's always in a relationship. I've had 3 year, 2 year and 1 year girlfriends. I'm no good at the whole dating just to be dating thing. I've tried it over the last couple of years, and it just doesn't work for me. Inevitably, I get bored as soon as I can tell its going nowhere. It's not so much that I want to get married, as I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm not that easy to put up with, so that's a long shot. But it's more that I like to form connections with people. Once you are in my life, its very hard to extract yourself from my circle. Even if it's not in a romantic way, I usually stay friendly with the people that I've been intimate with.

Why am I thinking about this now? I don't know, I think I'm starting to get that itch. The ice that formed around my heart is melting away now and I think I want a girlfriend again. Calm down, it's just a theory. Real life may dictate differently, but I kind of miss having someone to spend all my time with. But at the same time, I've gotten used to retreating to the solitude of my crib and not having to completely share my world. It's oxymoronic (or just moronic), I'm aware. What kind of guy wants a girlfriend, but also wants to be left alone? Rashan, that's who.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not looking for a woman to take away my loneliness. I don't think I have that emotion. I'm (some would say way too) comfortable being by myself. But at the same time, going out on the town, or even staying in, running my fingers through her hair while she lays on my lap sounds appealing as well. And my reasons for not having a girlfriend now have nothing to do with sowing oats. It's been quite some time since I had some oatmeal. I chalk it up to bad timing, bad luck and just a general lack of trying. Most of all, its all about not settling. I refuse to be in a situation that doesn't live up to my meager expectations. I'm not that picky, but I do have certain dealbreakers. Dumb girls, no matter how hot they are, will not capture my attention. Women with poor attitudes (i.e. complaining about everything or hateful) won't last with me. People with no real sense of humor will be shown the door expeditiously. I love to laugh and make people laugh, and if we can't agree on that, it just wont work out. (Did I ever tell you that PHD had never seen an episode of Chappelle's Show? I shoulda known then, that ish wasn't gonna last. LOL)You'll notice that none of my requirements refer to the physical. I'm not saying that's not important, but for me those other qualities trump that one. I'm saying, ugly people need love too. LOL

I think I've gotten off track, but that's nothing new on this blog. I often start off one place and end up somewhere totally different. But let me get back to the point. I was talking about that itch. I'll probably change my mind about this by next week and decide that in fact I don't want a woman. I'll meet someone that sparks my interests and like the fickle man I am, revert to that guy that wants a girl when he wants a girl, and when he don't want a girl, wants a girl that understands that. (fast forward to 2:30). Or maybe I wont. Maybe I'll get my brain to align with my heart and remember that feeling I have when I'm in a relationship. Remember how much I like making those connections and stuff. Okay, I'm officially rambling now. Lemme stop writing and catch some ZZZZ's. Have a good day.

The Trap House

Okay, I think one of my neighbors is operating a trap house. I think I mentioned seeing some crackheads the other day. But this morning my fears were all but confirmed.

It's 5AM and I'm outside smoking a black. I know its a nasty habit and I'll stop one day soon. But that's not the point of the story. This is the point. I'm in the parking lot just chillin', playing with my new phone, when I see those same 2 characters from the other day. They are walking fast as hell. I decide to get my surveillance on and see where they are going. They are being trailed by a woman this time. They go to an apartment that I thought was empty which is across the way from me, but no more than 100 yards from where I stay. The 2 men go inside, while the woman stays outside. 4 minutes later, they emerge from the apartment and start walking back towards the entrance of the complex. The woman keeps looking back at me, looking mad paranoid. Of course, I didn't do anything to allay her fears, I stared back as if to say "get the hell out of here" which they do.

Another one of my neighbors comes out of her apartment and asks me if I just saw that. I replied that I did. She tells me that they moved in 2 weeks ago, but didn't have a uhaul or boxes or anything. Gotta love Rosie the Nosy Neighbor. She says that she thinks it's a drug front. Says someone needs to drop a dime on them. As we are talking, another unsavory looking character does the quick walk to the same apartment only to leave 2 minutes later. I'm thinking, damn she's right. This really is a trap house going on. Now, usually I'm not one to knock one's hustle, but for real? You gonna just open up a trap house in an apartment complex? You just gonna bring crackheads (and I have no idea where they are coming from because its not the type of hood where I would expect crackheads to live) right where the school bus comes and picks up kids every morning. I don't know what to do next. I hate to see another Black man go to jail, much less be responsible for it, but this shit right here? Not gonna work for me.

I can also be completely wrong. I could be jumping to conclusions. After all, there hasn't been a rash of break ins or broken crack vials all over the place. For the most part, other than just coming and going at all times of the morning (which I do too) there is no evidence that my new neighbors are d-boys. Perhaps I'm just falling into that trap (pun intended) of suspicion that so many others do. But I know this much, I'm gonna keep my eyes open. Can someone get me McNulty's phone number?

Phone Boning*

*phone boning - the act of talking sweet or making love on the phone... also known as caking. That's not what this post is about. This is about my phone boning me. LOL

Spring strikes again… I’m saying, I think there’s a conspiracy to detach my money from my bank account. I blame Spring. I bet you are getting tired of hearing about it, but its so sincere. I already told you about last year when I was going through 4 cars in a 3 month span. Or this year, when I just last week paid a grip to fix some obscure car problem that could only happen to me or a member of my family. Now, today, I had to buy a new phone. I just got a new one in November, but that one is a wrap. And because of the way that the damage was inflicted on the phone, it was not covered by the warranty.

My phone was already kinda bootleg to begin with; You kinda expect that when you only get the free upgrade phone, instead of spending any loot on it. Ask anyone that’s talked to me on the phone, and they will tell you that my phone would turn off at least once during any extended conversation. I’m not talking about dropping calls, I’m talking completely powering down, then recycling and turning back on. Plus my beard rubbing against the phone sounded like ashy hands rubbing sandpaper in a blender. It was all part of the package deal. You get what you pay for. No biggie. Well, Friday morning, I realized that the phone was not charging at all. I plugged it in, but no charge. I even thought it might be the phone charger, so I bought a car charger, since I couldn’t get to the Sprint Store before they closed. Tried that, and that didn’t work either. I talked sparingly on the phone last night trying to preserve a little bit of battery life until I could get to the store to see if they could fix it, or possibly get a new phone. When I woke up this morning after a long insomnia filled night, I realized that I forgot to turn the phone off before I went to sleep. There goes that extra battery life. Plus I woke up mad late and didn’t have time to make it to the store.

So, I went to work. Did I mention this is the one Saturday a month that I have to work. So, yeah, I was at work. Finally on my lunch break I went to the Sprint Store and had them check out my phone. Apparently, the charging connectors were shorted out, and would no longer charge the phone. Guess what’s not covered by warranty: electrical damage. My punk ass apartment has hella electrical problems. Like when my dryer blew the electrical socket or when my TV and VCR got struck by lightning, even though they were in a surge protector. Or when the microwave just randomly decides to turn on and off. You get the point? It’s messed up. Anyway, enough complaining about that, lets move on. I decided to go ahead and actually pay for a phone for the first time in my life. The damage to my phone may be covered under my renter's insurance, but I'm not sure yet. Gotta check the policy details to see if it would even be worth it to file a claim.

Cool! I have a phone now. It’s nothing special but its not the free free wack joint that I always get. But of course, there’s another problem. My old phone died and all my numbers are trapped in the purgatory of the unchargeable phone. Sure, I can get some of the numbers from my phone bill, or from my voice mail, but the numbers that I haven’t called in a while are all gone. So much for trying to reconnect with the ghosts of my past (like I would really do it anyway.) If any of you have my number and I act like I don’t know who you are, now you know why. I’m a be screening like a mug for a few days. LOL Aiight, so, I know I owe you a MTB amongst other posts, but you’ll just have to deal with it until I get back right. Spring just keeps trying me... but I’m cool. Bout to go get some drinks, if I can remember my people’s phone number so I can meet up with them. Dammit, man! This is getting annoying. One!

Let's Try This Again

When I got home from work yesterday, I sat down at the computer and tried to read your blogs, but I couldn't. I tried to write a post, but I couldn't. I tried to even focus but I couldn't. I was so tired that words started to blur together and I think I may have fallen asleep mid sentence on the phone. Not sure. But one thing I do remember is an email I got for the good folks at Ticket.Master... Erykah Badu is coming to Atlanta on 5/23 at the Fox.

You may remember my adventure trying to get the Jill Scott tickets, but there was no problem this time. I've already put my vacation day in (actually I did that yesterday before I even knew she was coming) and bought my tickets (Orchestra row KK) and I'm good to go. Anybody wanna come with? LOL. I have to get ready for work now, but I'll try to give you a substantial post later during my 2 hours of Friday meetings.

If I Ruled The Blog World...The Making The Blog Edition

If I ruled the blog world...The Making The Blog Edition...



You already know what annoys me about blogging. If not then check this link. This is something different. The blog world is mine! If I could make certain bloggers do certain things, this is how it would go down. In no particular order.



La - I would make La write every damn day. I love her writing style, no lie. I don't even care if she posts any of it, just email me a post to read everyday, and I'm good. If not, then send me pages from her diary, essays, half finished novel, something! If I could have a blog crush on someone based solely on her writing, it would be La (although I did see your MySpace page, so now I know what you look like too. LOL)



Jameil - Keep doing what you do, ma! I wish I had the dedication to post every day like you. Even when I don't know what you are talking about, like the Project Runway joints, I still find myself mad entertained. Thanks for getting me back to regular posting.



Opinionated Diva - Read what I said to Jameil. You two are the first blogs I check when I log on. Of course you already know that, since you are even more obsessed with your site meter than me. LOL. Keep it rolling.



Magnolia Peach - I would make her post a picture on her blog. Shallow, yep! But it is what it is. That way if I see you out in the streets, I can be like, hey, that's Magnolia Peach!



Dejanae - I would change the colors of her blog. I'm tired of straining my old eyes to read that maroon on black page. Oh, and turn off that bootleg music player. Even though sometimes you have some hot stuff on there, I'm already listening to music.



Pocahontaz - I would make her post more personal stories on her blog. I'm not much for the celebrity gossip and critiques, but when you talk about your life, I'm always entranced.



Cannon - I would make you stop cursing so much. It gets in the way of your posts. I can see your potential, but its muted by your constant foul language. I don't see anything wrong with cursing, but let it punctuate your point, not be your point.



The Goddess - Don't ever let 2 weeks go by without posting again. I'm just saying, If I ruled the blog world, that wouldn't happen.



Monie - I would make you respond to your comments in a more timely manner. I know I'm good for doing the same thing, but we aren't talking about me. LOL



Desy - Stop trying to put me in a room with your group of ragtag bloggers. The cool kids are over here. LOL Keep up the blog obsession. I already told you that you are hitting your blog stride right about now. Don't be getting all busy with school and abandoning us.



Stace - Just do what you said on your post and be mad honest. I'm saying, I don't care how grimey it gets, I'll ride with you.



X Factor - The comment moderation joint would be gone. I'm saying, let me see what everybody else said before I type my comment so it doesn't look like I'm copying.



Epsilonicus - I would know what the hell your name means. What is that... Latin?



Tom Gurl - I would have loads of Utterz posts from you. I know you hate your voice, but I kinda love it. Also, post more!





I limited this to the bloggers that are still in Making The Blog, but I probably got ideas about the rest of you too. That post would take all day. LOL. Turnabout is fair play. Go head (if you want) and tell me what you would do about my blog if you ruled the blog world. Of course, stubborn as I am, if you did rule the blog world, I'd have to pull a Toussaint on you and revolt. Ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do. LOL!

I'm Done, Son!!

I quit. I wanted to be dignified about this, but I can't do it. This is gonna be my last post and I'm gonna put some people on blast. That's right, I'm quitting this blog shit. Too much damn drama to contend with. Too many people trying to ingratiate themselves in my life. Too many fake ass people hiding behind the anonymity of blogging. So, I'm out. I should stayed away last year when the last drama went down, but no, like a fool I thought I could get past it. The fact is everybody on the internet is crazy, some not in a good way. Some bloggers, no matter how cool they seem are really just really effed up people. I know I'm being cryptic, but don't worry... I'm a name names...

First let me say to the cool bloggers out there... I'm talking about Jameil and Diva amongst others, I'm glad to have made your acquaintance. I hope this blog thing works out better for you than it did for me. Diva, you were right about so many things. I'm sorry I lied to you, but I tried to keep that part of my life secret. And Jameil, you were right. I am full of excuses for my behavior. I should have been more forthcoming. I hope that even after I disappear out of cyber space, you will remember me. Maybe shoot me an email or call me once in a while. Just not right now, I'm not ready to tell the whole story. But I'll give you the gist of it.

I hinted at this a couple of times, just because I wanted to see how everybody would react. My original confession was this: I have been dating a fellow blogger casually for the last 6 months. I'll pause for a minute to let that sink in. We played it off so nobody would get upset or treat us differently in the blog world. Even stopped commenting on each other pages so people wouldn't put 2 and 2 together. I know I should have told you all about it, but I wanted to keep at least one aspect of my personal life private. I was initially apprehensive about the whole internet dating scene, but I thought this was something special. We didn't have any labels, but it was without a doubt, a relationship. Well, turns out that this chick that I thought I could eventually fall in love with is PSYCHO!!! Pretty much everything she told me was a lie. I don't know why a messed with yet another Aries chick.

No, this time it wasn't a fake picture. I won't fall for that one again, but everything that she represented about herself turned out to be fallacious. I don't want to get into specifics because I can't believe I found myself in this place again. Tricked by a duplicitous female into letting down my guard, catching feelings from the written word, and involving myself in a situation that was better left alone. I don't know how I get myself into these situations.

I said I was gonna put people on blast so I guess I should stop beating around the bush. You probably wanna know who I was dating. Probably want to know what happened to sour me on blogging. I kinda don't wanna tell you, because even though she played the hell outta me, I still have a measure of affection for the person I thought she was. Maybe she'll tell her side of the story and it'll turn out that I am crazy one. I don't know and I really don't care anymore. You can have this internet shit. Screw blogging, screw instant messaging, screw trying to connect with people that I've never met in real life. This shit's for the birds or for the lames that get punked by them. I just wanna say to everybody that came by and read my blogs, that I'm sorry, but I can't take this no more. I'm done, son! And to make sure that I don't vacillate or backtrack, I'm gonna go ahead and burn this bridge and call out her name.

I hope the blog world is happy without me! You won't have Rashan to kick around anymore. Signing off for the last time, I am...

Rashan Jamal


Click this link to see who I am talking about. Be sure to curse her out for me!