I Killed Plies

Charlotte, North Carolina August 10, 2008

I was hanging out with Jameil and some of her friends. The topic of Bernie Mac and Isaac Hayes’s deaths came up. Somebody, I can’t remember which somebody it was, made the comment that death often comes in threes. I’d heard that before. It was one of the old ladies I worked with at St Joseph’s hospital favorite phrases. Granted, she would know. She often perused the obituaries looking for people she grew up to be dead. In fact, I don’t think she ever read the paper other than to find out about somebody passing. Digression, I know, but that’s what I do. Anyway, it was at this point that I became a potential murderer. I don’t know why I said it, but I did.

“Can number 3 be Plies?” (click here if you don't know who Plies is..)

The room fell silent for a few awkward moments before erupting into laughter. Maybe it really didn’t, and that’s my overactive imagination, but that’s what it seemed like to me. Oh my God, I killed Plies…

Why Plies of all people? I don’t know. I guess he was just in my head from my ride up to Charlotte. It seemed like if it wasn’t Lil Wayne on the radio, it was Plies. He’s pretty ignorant, but I’m not particularly hating on him. To me he’s amusing. I laugh when I hear his inane, profane and mundane lyrics. I chuckle at how since he did Buss it Baby, he now samples other late 80’s music in an attempt to recapture the magic of that hit. It’s mad obvious to me that he’s trying to find his niche amongst the millions of other wack rappers out there. But I don’t hate him. I don’t really want him dead. God, I hope I don’t really have the power of life and death in my tongue. I would hate to be responsible for someone’s death by one of my insensitive jokes.

So, if any of you know Plies, I need you to do me a favor. Be a bodyguard for him. If you see some goons threatening him, get his back. If you see him bout to drink and drive, tell that friends don’t let friends do that. If you see him about to eat a baconator from Wendy’s, educate him on the dangers of trans fat and heart disease. I know thugs don’t really get down with the bungee jumping too tough, but if he does, check his straps. Make sure them platinum teeth are set properly, I don’t want him choking. Okay, maybe that would be a little funny, but for God’s sake, give him the Heimlich!!! I’m saying…don’t let Plies die. I can’t deal with that on my conscience. LOL

PS – What’s the statute of limitations on me speaking death on somebody? Like if he dies in a year, am I still responsible? 5 years? What about 7 years? That sounds like a good legal number! Do I have to carry the weight of my reckless words for the rest of my life? Somebody, please… anybody help me out here! Heaven, I Need A Hug (Gratuitous excuse to post a video. LOL)