Our First Argument

"Rashan, you've changed"

Three little words. Quite simple words, in fact. But these eighteen letters had the potential to mess up a good thing. My first reaction was to become defensive. When I'm on the defense, it usually goes one of two ways: bad or worse. Either I just shut down and disregard what she's telling me, which on its own is bad enough. But I was feeling worse coming on. When worse comes to worse, the jerk comes out. Previously, I would have called it something else, a word that starts with a and ends with hole, but I've been making a conscious effort not to curse as much around her. When I think back no longer than a year ago, I had a potty mouth. I still do to an extent, but not around her. See, I respect her, but word is bond, she's getting on my last nerve. I fought the urge to be "that guy" and simply asked for an explanation.

"What do you mean, baby? How have I changed?"

She spoke in a muted tone, eyes cast downward to avoid my inquisitive glare.

"I mean, you used to think of only me. Now I'm not so sure that you still feel the same."

"What do you mean? We talk daily. If not daily, then at least most days."

"Yeah, but even you have to admit it's not the same."

As usual, she was right. I hate when she does that. Disarms me with proof that I don't always have all the answers. I like to think that I'm always right, even when I'm left, but since I've been dealing with her, I've had to admit far too often to my liking that her way is the right way. This was yet another time where I would have to swallow my pride and acquiesce.

"You're right, baby. Things are different. I don't know how we got here, but I know I'm willing to do whatever it takes to rekindle our relationship."

"It's not that simple. You can't just wave a magic wand and fix this. I've been thinking..."

"No, baby. Hold that thought. Once you put that out there, there is no turning back."

The fear wrapped around me like a blanket on an invalid's legs. I didn't want her to utter those words. There was no way that I was gonna let her go without a fight. We've been through too much in a relatively short period of time to just give up now. I needed her in my life.

"No, Rashan. Relax. I'm not going there. I just think some things have to change. I'm not as happy as I used to be."

"So we are having our first argument, huh? Should I mark the date?"

"That's what I'm talking about right there. You never take me seriously. Here I am trying to pour my heart out to you and you make jokes."

"You used to love my jokes. I remember you told me that was one of the first things that attracted you to me."

"I still love them. I cracked up at your post the other day. But there's a time and place for jocularity. This is not it."

"Okay, baby. Go ahead. I'm listening."

"I feel..."

Here we go. Feelings and stuff. I mean I should have expected it. Its normal in these situations for emotions to get involved. But, I honestly did not ever intend to hurt her feelings or make her feel neglected. I guess like most men, sometimes I do things without thinking about the consequences. By no means do I think I am perfect, but I do think I am perfect for her. Me and her together are unmesswitable, nah mean? Look at that. A year ago, that phrase would have been much more vulgar, but I'm trying. I'm trying to be the man she wants me to be.

"What do you feel, babe?"

"I feel that you need to pay more attention to me."

The defensiveness is bubbling up in me. I want nothing more than to state my argument, but from the tone of this conversation, I realize that is probably not the best tactic. I slump down on the love seat and continue listening.

"You used to be all about me. Along with your sense of humor, that was another thing that attracted me. You were so attentive. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that you don't still feel the same way about me, but I need you to show it."

"Yeah, you're right."

"I don't want to be an afterthought in your life. It's like everything else comes first now and then you think of me."

"Yeah, but...

I couldn't help it. I had to say something. I felt like she was maligning my character. I just wanted her to know that she is still an integral part of my life.

"But what? You just got finished admitting that things are different. Were you just saying that? I don't need your platitudes. I don't need you patronizing me."

"I'm not. I swear to you I'm not. I honestly see where you are coming from, but I just think you are making way too big a deal out of this."

"So, now what I feel is not important. Way to be sensitive there, Rashan!"

"You know that's not what I meant."

I'm so not an arguer. I really am all about the solution, rather than the rehashing of the problem. Me and her have never really argued before though, so I'm still learning her rules of engagement. From what I can tell, we have totally different styles of communication. I had no choice but to follow hers.

"What did you mean then? Cuz it sure sounded like you were discounting my feelings and I have to tell you I DON'T LIKE IT ONE BIT!!!"

"You don't have to yell. I'm right here. Can't we discuss this like two rational adults?"

"OH, SO NOW I'M A CHILD!!!!"

"Come on, relax. I'm just saying we've identified the issue, now lets see what we can do to rectify it. What is it that I can do to make you realize that I still care for you the same way?"

"I have to come up with all the answers? You are supposed to be this brilliant guy. That's what you said in your little wack post the other day. You need to find a way to fix this. Use that brain you are always bragging about."

At this point, I felt an unfamiliar twinge in my gut. I don't get mad, but I'm pretty sure that the feeling I was experiencing was anger. I've felt it a few times in my life, like when I swung on Earl at Freaknik 94. But generally, in my 33 years of living, I've found anger to be the easiest emotion to suppress. It doesn't accomplish anything in my opinion. People say I will snap if I don't let it out, but this was not the right time to let it out. I was trying to keep her around; anger would push her away. Let me take a deep breath. No, that's not working. Count to ten. That didn't do it either. "Nam-Myhoho-Renge-Kyo" - Okay, I'm cool!

"Okay, baby. I understand you are upset. I completely get that. Here's what I'm going to do."

"This should be good," she stated sarcastically. I taught her that. Her sarcasm was a direct by product of her being around me.

"I pledge this to you. Starting right now, I'm gonna make you feel like you are important to me again. I can't tell you how, honestly I don't really know that yet, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to make you feel special"

"I've heard that one before."

"Look at this face. Do you see my resolve face?"

"Wait, did you just quote Buffy The Vampire Slayer? You are so odd."

"See, the mere fact that you knew where that quote came from is proof that we are meant to be together. You like what I like, I like what you like. We are one. We can't lose sight of that."

"I guess you are right. I can't believe you got me interested in all your strange interests. How did I get hooked up with someone so incredibly weird?"

"Just lucky, I guess!"

She let out a light chuckle. She tried to hold it in, but I could see that smile, no matter how hard she tried to obscure it. I sensed that we had turned the corner. She was back on my side. I know that I have to do better though. Consider this my wake up call. I don't want to lose her because of laziness. I don't want to lose her because I have new interests. I don't ever want her to feel neglected. I'm trying to keep her around for the long haul, if she'll have me. I dodged a bullet this time, but I guess I have to show and prove.

I can't believe that I just had an argument with my blog. She sure is high maintenance!!! What, did you think I was talking about a person? LMAO!!! I dare you to tell me that was not brilliant! Don't be lying, you know you liked it! Have a good weekend, folks!