Sabre Tooth Tiger*

Disclaimer: Like anybody cares about my disclaimer.. but I'm gonna put it out there anyway. This entire post is a joke. It's not to be taken seriously. I just am saying/writing the craziest thing possible. That's what I do. Okay, disclaimer over.


I've always had that kind of face. You know the one that says "old ladies talk to me." I don't mean any harm, but for once can I get someone that is not 20 years older than me to wanna get with me? I mean, I'm a reasonably attractive, reasonably young man. Aren't there any women not old enough to be my matriarch that want to get with me? (That wasn't a rhetorical question, LOL!) From my first stalker to Grape Ape to the other lady at work that loves me to death, older women seem to flock towards Rashan. I don't know what it is. Maybe its cuz I'm outwardly respectful, or maybe its cuz I don't wear my pants hanging off my ass, or maybe its just cause I have an old soul, but these cougars dig me. Matter fact, I don't even want to call them cougars. These women are more seasoned than your average older woman trying to get with a younger man. These women are less cougars, and more sabre tooth tigers. Get it??? Cuz they are extinct. That's mad old, kid. I crack myself up!

It happened again this weekend. I attended yet another function with Kristie and 'em where there were no women in my age range. We ate, and drank and played cards and had a general good time, but for real I had no one to spit my (lack of) game to. But the older women enjoyed my company. I ain't gonna call nobody's mama out... but yeah, I was introduced thusly: " I wanna introduce you to Shawn. He's my baby's best friend and I have a huuuge crush on him. He knows it, everybody knows it." I did my best to not visibly squirm at these words, but its true. I do know it. I remember one time on her birthday, we were at this restaurant in College Park. She damn near pitched a fit to get me to dance with her. I don't dance, especially not in an area where there is light and people can see me. But I had to acquiesce to the tiger's roar. For the record, I don't know how old she is for real, but my homey turns 30 this year. Just doing the math...

So what does one do when constantly surrounded by cougars sabre tooth tigers? I don't know, but imagine what it would be like. It wouldn't be all bad I guess. Here are some pros to dating a sabre tooth.

1. I could use her senior discount to get into movies for the cheap. I'm sure I can get a discount at the local Golden Corral or IHOP. Just flash the AARP card, and get 20% on those Rockports I had my eye on.

2. All the prescription drugs I could ever want. Free cholesterol medicine. High blood pressure? No problem, my sabre baby got them pills on lock. Do you know how much percoset goes for on the streets? I'm a be rich, son!

3. I can use all of her ex husbands stuff. I don't care if that watch is inscribed To My Loving Husband, don't nobody need to look at the back. I'm a rock that Rolex, son. Besides, he's dead now, ain't no sense in letting them golf clubs go to waste. And don't even get me started on the flat screen plasma joint.

4. I'm a ride out in a Caddy or a Lincoln. You know how smooth them things ride? Its like you driving on air. Air, son! And them leather seats? Me and my sabre tooth tiger got that Corinthian.

5. While we riding in that luxury automobile, we are gonna get the best parking spots. I'm sure my Sabre Tooth is gonna have one of those handy handicap placards after one of her many surgeries. No more parking way in the middle of the parking lot. We up front baby.

6. Three words: Fruit and Tea. I like both, but I never buy them. She's gonna keep me laced with my daily dose of Vitamin C. I'm talking oranges, grapefruits, tangerines, scuppernongs, whatever. And the tea? I'm gonna be relaxing sipping on some Earl Grey Orange Pekoe with just a drop of honey. Talk about the good life.

7. I get to catch up on those seasons of Law and Order and CSI: Miami that I missed. Ain't nothing like some formulaic tv. It's familiar and non threatening. Don't let Murder She Wrote come out on DVD, that's almost as good as watching Jag. Why go out when me and Sabre can veg out in front of the TV until almost 10 PM.

8. If I ever want to wash that grey right out of my beard, I can just borrow her hair dye. I kinda like the grey that adorns my chin, but I don't wanna look too old for my Sabre Tooth. She picked me cuz she likes them young, the least I can do is play the part.

9. Two More Words: Hard Candy. I'm saying, you ever just want a Wurther's Original but don't wanna buy a whole bag? No? Me either...but you know them cinnamon disks are the shit. Butterscotch? Not sure if anybody actually likes those, but if I want one, all I gotta do is go in her purse, and I got one.

10. Finally, and most importantly, I'll get a chance to plunder through her classic vinyl collection. I love old music. Lemme get some Isley's or Marvin Gaye, perhaps she'll have Isaac Hayes Hot Buttered Soul. At the very least, Curtis Mayfield will be up in the collection. Picture me sitting up in her green lazy boy, glass of prune juice, reading the obituaries, Sam Cooke playing in the background, wearing a smoking jacket, slippers on my feet, cigar ablaze, yelling at kids to get out of her yard. If that ain't good times, please tell me what is.

I'm bugging out. None of these reasons are good enough for me to actually start dating a Sabre Tooth Tiger. Well, maybe the music collection, but I guess I can find that old music on Amazon.com. I'm actually just fulfilling my stated goal of saying/writing the craziest thing possible. It's all jokes though. Don't think I'm gonna try to get with your mama or something. LOL. Aiight, I'm out.

* "Sabre Tooth Tiger" is a registered trademark of Rashan Jamal - 2008. Any commercial usage of said term on Best Week Ever, Extra, or Entertainment Tonight must mention rashansbeatsrhymesandlife.blogspot.com. Term may be used in perpetuity by not for profit bloggers and other cats that dig my style without charge. You can stop reading now because I have nothing else to say. One!