The People's Court
This message is for "Frustrated Blog Reader" (frustratedblogreader@lycos.com) ... or whatever your real name is. This post is for you. You inspired it. You feel better now that you've sent that email and gotten all that off your chest? You feel better now that you took the time to try to tell me what's wrong with my blog? You think that by sending me an anonymous email, you are going to make me do what you want me to do? Let's get one thing straight: I'm Rashan!!! I write what I want, when I want, how I want. I don't do what you want me to... Except this once. This post is for you. Hope you don't embarrass easily, but if so, you kinda brought it on yourself. I hope in reading this post you see how utterly ridiculous you are. And no, I don't care if you EVER come back to read my blog after this. Prepare to get ethered!!! But take pride in the fact that you have just inspired another moment of lunacy from Rashan Jamal.
EDIT: EMAIL TEXT ADDED AT BOTTOM OF POST
The People's Court
"Everybody's talking about the honorable Marilyn Milian, the hottest judge on television. Real cases, real litigants. Here, in our forum: The People's Court."
Introducing the plaintiff: Anonymous Lurker… 30 years old from Washington, D.C. She claims that the defendant led her on with promises of great and consistent blogging, but hasn’t delivered. She’s suing the defendant for damages and 5 blog posts a week.
Introducing the defendant: Rashan Jamal…33 years old from Atlanta , Georgia . He claims that he can blog whenever he feels like it. There was no contract with the plaintiff and that she should get a life. He’s counter suing her for being a punk and sending him unsolicited emails.
Judge Marilyn Mirian: Welcome to the People’s Court. Today’s case is set in the wonderful world of blogging. Let’s start with the plaintiff… Ms. Lurker, please state your case.
Rashan: Objection, Your Honor!
Judge Marilyn: The plaintiff hasn’t even said anything yet. What could you possibly be objecting to?
Rashan: Why she get to go first? What’s up with that? Besides, I don’t even know this chick. How she gonna be anonymous like that?
Judge: She goes first because I said so. And I’ll thank you to stay quiet until its your turn.
Rashan: My bad, Judge Judy. Go head, Lurker!
Ms. Lurker: Well, Your Honor. I’m suing Rashan because he be frontin’. He get me all excited for a blog post, then I click on his page and he ain’t even update.
Rashan: That’s a lie, your honor.
Judge: Mr. Jamal. You need to be quiet until it’s your turn.
Rashan: But I’m saying, Judge Mablean.. that ain’t even the real. I posted like 4 times last week.
Judge: Do I need to get the bailiff to restrain you? Continue, Ms. Lurker.
Ms. Lurker: As I was saying… I don’t appreciate his lack of posting. He don’t even respond to his comments no mo’. Its unconscionable.
Judge: So are you saying that Mr. Jamal has been derelict in his duties?
Ms. Lurker: You got it, your honor! He been slacking on his blogging. I don’t know what is wrong with him but he owes me. He owes me blog posts. How am I supposed to get through work without him posting? And sometimes, he even be posting like at 5 PM. My workday is over. He needs to get back to having his posts ready when I get to work.
Rashan: Judge Hatchett, Can I say something?
Judge: That’s not my name, but go ahead.
Rashan: Well, see it’s like this, Judge Cristina… I don’t even know this lady. And she gonna send me an email telling me that I don’t post enough. Can you at least comment once before you take such liberties? And who is this anyway? An anonymous email? That’s a punk move if I ever saw one.
Judge: Are you saying that you do in fact post enough?
Rashan: Word up, Judge Alex!!!
Judge: That’s not even a woman!!!
Rashan: My bad, you know I don’t be watching these wack court shows like that. I can’t even believe y’all got me in this courtroom. I believe I was promised some chicken wings in exchange for appearing on this show???? Hint Hint!!!
Judge: Lets get back to the case. Ms. Lurker, did you have a contract with the defendant that stated he would post 5 times a week?
Ms. Lurker: Well, your honor…
Rashan: That means no!!!
Ms Lurker: Whatever, Rashan… You need to shut up and let me speak.
Rashan: Word? You just gonna let her talk to me like that, Judge Rachel?
Judge: Ms Lurker, Direct your response to me. And Mr. Jamal, you are about 2 seconds from being in contempt!
Rashan: You do realize this ain’t no real courtroom, right? This is a tv set, dawg! You ain’t got no real power. And where’s my teriyaki wings, yo! You know I only eat once a day. It's about that time,
Ms. Lurker: I’m saying, your honor. I don’t have it on paper, but there was implied consent on his blog. If you look at the post dated 11/30, he clearly stated that he would post everyday.
Rashan: A brotha can’t change his mind? What’s the deal? And plus, I didn’t put any numbers on my posting. I think I post enough anyway. It’s not like I’m getting paid for this. You wanna pay me, I’ll post everyday, including Jewish Holidays. What you think this is?
Ms. Lurker: Blogger is free!
Rashan: But my time isn’t. In the immortal words of that dude from Jay-Z’s first album.. Beep you, pay me!
Judge: MR. JAMAL!!!! YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!!!!
Rashan: I’m saying??? I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole damn court is out of order!!!
Judge: Bailiff.. restrain Mr. Jamal!
Rashan: Son, for real.. touch me and we gonna see the inside of a real courtroom, not this soundstage!!! You don’t know me like that, son.. I’m crazy! Have your read my blog? Did you know I have a list of ways to kill someone? It’s all theoretical now, but don’t test me…
Bailiff: You know, Judge Marilyn.. he’s right. I’m gonna just sit back and watch.
Ms. Lurker: What about me? Rashan has breached his contract with his readers. I need remediation!
Rashan: Remediate these! Don’t you ever in your life send me another email like that. I’ll post when I want to post. I’ll misspell whatever word I misspell. This is my blog! You think you can do better, then how about you get your own blog instead of hassling me about mine.
Ms. Lurker: Well, I never…
Rashan: Yeah, you never… you never commented. You never wrote a post, You never introduced yourself. You don’t have the right to say nothing to me.
Ms. Lurker: Wha—
Rashan: Objection, Judge Wapner!!!
Judge: I give up. I find for the plaintiff. Rashan, you are hereby ordered to post more often. In addition, you have to respond to your comments in a timely manner and be more interesting.
Rashan: Ordered? Word? I don’t do what I’m supposed to do. I’m a rebel, son! Black Power!!!
Judge: You will do what you were ordered to do. Otherwise, I’ll place you in contempt!
Rashan: Old fake judge and her toy cop! You ain’t gonna do nothing to me. What’s the worse that can happen? This old lurker stops coming to my blog? I’m all for that! Go away if you don’t like it. "I don’t need you, let welfare feed you."
Judge: Did you just recite a lyric in my courtroom?
Rashan: Sure did! That’s what I do. I bet you can’t identify it!
Bailiff: Jay Z “Stick to the Script”
Rashan: Aiight, brother. There maybe some hope for you yet. Now if you could just lay off the make up and stop showing out for the Man!!!
Bailiff: Word Up!!!
Ms. Lurker: I’m not coming back to your stupid little blog anymore. I'll just go read Raw Dawg's blog. He appreciates his readers.
Rashan: You’ll be back. They always come back. I'm sure I’ll be seeing your IP address on my site meter quite frequently, reading this post over and over again. How does it feel to inspire such madness?
Ms. Lurker: (blushing) I kind of like it. You so clever.
Judge: Hello, I’m the judge! Both of you need to listen to me.
Rashan: I'm done, son! I'm not gonna sit here and be berated by some old lurking ass lurker and some fake judge.
Judge: Get Out Of My Courtroom!!!
Rashan: Aiight, I'm outta here. But I'm finna take you to Judge Joe Brown. I still ain't get them waings you promised me. I'm suing for breach of contract!!!
(Theme Music Plays)
Yes, I know I took this to the extreme. And no, I'm not mad. I just think it's ridiculous for anyone to try to tell me what to do on my blog. Who does she think she is? Better yet, who does she think I am? Doesn't everybody realize how much of a jerk I can be? LOL
HERE IS THE EMAIL TEXT
Sunday, September 21, 2008 3:27 AM
From:
"Frustrated Blogreader"
To:
visionz74@yahoo.com
Hi, you don't know me, but I've been reading your blogs for a couple of years. I have to say that lately you haven't been delivering like you used to. I don't know if you heart isnt in it anymore, but I don't like your blog like i used to. I only tell you this because I want to give you a chance to to keep me as a reader. Rashan, I think you need to post more often. I used to be able to look forward to reading you blogs every morning at work, but now you only post sporadically. Sometimes you don't even post until I'm already gone from work. You need to post more consistently if your want to keep your readers. I'm sure you noticed that you don't get as many comments as you used to. Mabye if you kept a schedule or managed your time better, people would read more. Also, you ! dont seem to Be trying to entertain us. You used to talk about all kinds of interesting things, now you only bitch about work. Nobody wants to read about that. You supposed to entertain us, but you not doing that. Well, sometimes, but not all the time. You act like you don't appreciate your readers. Without us, you are nothing. I hope you will think about this and start to blog better like you used to when you first started on your other blog. I want to keep reading, but if you don't get it together, I'll just have to find new people to read. Thanks for reading this email.
---A Frustrated Blog Reader
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