Rashan vs. The Security Guard

The female security guard spoke in a half nice, half nasty tone...

“Excuse me, sir. You can’t park where you parked.”

“Huh? I’m in the deck.”

The deck is the parking structure that’s about a 4 minute walk up a hill. I don’t even try to park close to the building anymore. It’s a waste of time to circle around in vain and then inevitably have to go park down there anyway. Every now and then, you may catch somebody leaving on a fools errand, but most of the time, people guard their parking spaces with their lives. Only on Fridays, when people take vacation and leave early is it possible to get a spot if you start work after 8:30am or before 4:30 pm. Anyway, I digress.

"You are parked in visitor parking. You can’t park there!"

"Nah, I just walked up the front of the building. But my car is down in the deck."

I kept it moving and tapped my badge on the magnetic card reader. The light turned green and I made my way into the revolving door which I determined only exists to slow the flow of traffic and annoy me when it hits the heel of my size 12s. Seriously, I’m clumsy enough without having a slow moving door attack me from behind. Suddenly, the door stops and I’m standing in the middle of a no longer revolving door. The intercom beeps and the security guard speaks:

“I told you. You can’t park there. I need you to move your vehicle”

I’m blowed, but I try not to let it show. I know how I am. You can read the emotion on my face. My natural inclination was to say something sarcastic while giving her the smirk, but I refrained. I mean, I could have told her that maybe the weave was in her eyes and she couldn't see the video monitor clearly, but really what would that accomplish. Anyway, the revolving door started moving backwards, this time hitting me in the toes of my shoes. I backed up along with it until I was smack dab back in the lobby from whence I came. I composed myself before speaking.

“What car do you think is mine? I’m telling you I parked out in the deck.”

“Don’t lie to me, sir! I saw you get out of that Accord.”

“Did you see me get out or did you see me walk by it? I don’t have an Accord.”

Even if I was driving someone else’s car, or got a new car that I didn’t register, do you really think I’m gonna stand here arguing with someone that can tow my car? I’m a contrarian, but not that much. It really is not that serious. But for real, why you gotta just straight up call me a liar?

“We have ways of finding out.”

“I promise you that is not my car. Go ticket it! Tow it for all I care! Right now, you are making me late with this conversation. Can I go please?”

“Well, if you just move your car…”

“Look, here is my badge. Look up what kind of car I have. Look up if I swiped my badge in the parking deck like 5 minutes ago. Just do it on your own time. I gotta go.”

“I don’t need your name. I know who you are..”

“Cool, can I go to work now?”

“Go ahead…but if I'm right...”

“You are wrong.”

I swiped my badge again. This time the card reader stayed orange. Access denied. I shot her a look and she pushed a button and the doors started moving. Do you know what she had the nerve to say?

“Have a nice day, sir!”

In honor of this interaction, may I present to you... N.W.H. from the movie "Fear of a Black Hat" - Don't watch at work... or around small children... or security guards... It's hilarious, though!