I Wasn't Always This Way

You know I think too much. Sometimes my brain is overactive, and it makes me contemplate that which need not be contemplated. I've always been this way. I am prone to zone out and retreat into my thoughts without regard to what surrounds me. The best way to describe it would be a state of oblivion. I had another one of those moments tonight. I got so wrapped up in my own neurons firing that I drove straight past my exit and wound up 10 miles off course. That's not to say that I was a danger to my fellow drivers, but rather to acknowledge that my multi tasking took me off course. Today's topic of thought was my so called anti social behavior. I realized that I wasn't always this way.



I claim that I'm anti social, but I'm not sure if that's even accurate. I still go out from time to time. If I'm being honest with myself, I think its purely a matter of not wanting to be bothered. I'm never one to turn down an invitation when I think there will be fun involved. Its just those situations where I might have to do something I may not derive pleasure from that I avoid. Situations that might lead to someone not being able to handle their liquor, or where there is the potential for conflict are the ones I avoid. Situations where control freaks try to maneuver every aspect of the evening, rather than just going with flow are also on my list. I think I'm just selfish, but in a good way. I know what I like and I'm no longer going to put myself in environments that don't meet those requirements.



I wasn't always this way. Hell, before I moved to Atlanta I was the king of socializing. If I wasn't out at the club, then people were over my crib. And not just the usual suspects like Kareem, although he did basically bogard his way into every apartment I ever had. I didn't mind. I liked my alone time, but he was pretty much just like me. We could chill in the same spot, and not say a word until it got time to play some Madden. But there were others as I remembered tonight. My homeboy Lorenzo and his wifey Angela would come over and get lit on any given night. Boo Trotter could have had a key to my place and I wouldn't have minded. Senita would spend the night after a long night of spades playing and liquor. Tasha and Charita, Marcia and Andria, even the 2 white boy junkies. I would hang out with anyone at anytime. Even though there wasn't much to do in the S-A-V, I always found something to get into. My circle of friends was immense, whether they were close or not.



So how did I turn into the hermit I am today? I thought about it as I circled I-285 tonight. I think a lot of my anti social behavior stemmed from trying to get away from the drama. Cuz even though I was cool with all kinds of people, they always had a problem with each other. Boo and Senita could never get along. When Kareem and Tasha started dating and had a kid, it wasn't all fun and games anymore. My girl didn't trust me around Andria and overcompensated by trying to befriend her. (I'll never forget the time I came home and my girl was doing Andria's hair in my crib. Talk about awkward.) The two white boy junkies were always trying to break some shit after they smoked out. Et cetera and all that. See there was always some mess going on. I got to the point where I just couldn't take all that anymore.



Somehow I got stuck there. Stuck in the place where I would rather be alone than deal with other people's personality issues. I moved to the A, and left all them behind, with the exception of Kareem. Yeah, I tried to keep in touch for awhile, but people kept getting their phones cut off or moving and I just didn't put in the effort. Even here, I had a nice little circle of friends at first, but I became increasingly annoyed with them. We all worked together, and played together and eventually it was just too much of seeing the same people all the time. I retreated once again, and when my and my ex broke up, she got custody of those friends. I was more than okay with that, because if I had to listen to the same stories one more time I might have taken a long walk off of a short pier.



This is when my anti socialness really took hold. For months, I didn't do a damn thing. No going out to eat, no hanging out with people. I stayed in the house and really came to enjoy being by myself. I've always liked myself, but this period of reflection made me like me even more. I wasn't really interested in looking past other peoples BS anymore. It was easier to just do me, than have to compromise with others. If I wanted to go out, I went by myself or with my brother who at that time was crashing on my couch. I didn't really need friends, or more accurately I didn't want them invading my solitude.



That being said, I don't think I can really be described as anti social. If you were to see me at work, you would really think I was an outgoing, vibrant personality. I crack jokes and flirt and hold conversations like normal people do. When I tell people that I don't like going out, they tend not to believe me. Maybe it is time for me to break out of my self imposed solitude and connect with the rest of the world. It sounds good in theory, but before it can happen in earnest, I'd have to find a way to not get annoyed with people so easily.

So, what's the point? Why did I spend so much time thinking about this? I honestly don't know if there is a point. That's just the way my brain works sometimes. Crazy talk, I guess.